learning to play by the rules...

* for those who dont know, i recently got discharged from john george psychiatric pavilion at alameda county medical center. this is my second full day out in the "real" world and i've been taking it as slow as a three-toed sloth, which is to say, i've been greatly enjoying my self.

  my brother, raf, and my mom came to visit me consistently enough for me to believe that they love me more than i understood prior to my hospitalization. long story short: i was acting funny in berkeley late friday night/early saturday morning and the cops decided to pick me up and then sent me to said psychiatric hospital after my own mother refused to take me home. it is very understandable that i was quite upset by my mothers decision, but after having time to ruminate i realized that it was indeed for the better in the long run. i even missed my 10-year high school reunion, which i had highly anticipated to attend, but it was not meant to be. as raf later explained to me: i could always have my own reunion if people truly wanted to see me. hard to argue with his logic, which made complete sense at the time and continues to hold up to critical scrutiny.

  the worst part is that i spent 20 days in the hospital, but the best part is that i took the time to understand how the lithium was affecting my body. see, i knew going in that the doctors wanted to put me on lithium, because they did the same thing to me when i was held at UCSF last year. fortunately, i've matured a lot since that time, because there's no other way to explain that i actually LIKE taking lithium. or as doctor tomasini put it: a lot of FAMOUS people take lithium. i couldnt help but laugh every time he said it. it's like he's trying to tell me something i already have full belief in: i am ALREADY famous. at least, that's how i see things from where i'm sitting, thank you very much. i cant thank the doctor and my patient social worker enough for actually giving a crap about me, in spite of my initial perception of them.

* as a nice aside, during my hospital visit i managed to accrue a good deal of haters whilst in the hospital. imagine that?! i couldnt believe it either until one of the most gorgeous nurses ever, amanda, explained to me how the haters were trying to affect me. and she was right! as soon as i took her advice into account, it was like those same haters wanted to love me and be my friends. strange how that works, but i can attest to knowing how to turn haters into fans. it's really much easier than you think, but i dont want to give away any trade secrets, ha ha ha.

  that got me to thinking about how many potential haters i have in the "real" world. and then i stopped thinking about it, because it didnt seem to matter anymore. who cares how many haters i have, all that matters is that i am capable of being polarizing, which is useful in the tabloid industry, ha ha ha. it had never been made clear to me, as was recently done, that i have the ability to affect people in such a sublime way. i liken my self to an offensive side-show at a boardwalk, which people sweat over having to decide whether or not to attend. or as my "brother" luigi told me: you definitely know how to grab and keep people's attention. i was so proud of my self the day he told me that. strange, but it's always been the case with me. it just reminds me of why i use the nickname of "el diablo" above all others. i know i'm a devilish philosopher, but to have it confirmed and to feel vindicated as a result are two different things. at least, now i know that i AM worthy of an audience and i will seek to find the biggest one possible.

* lastly, i want to take the time to thank all of you who have consistently read this blog for your love and support. i kept thinking about how many people care about me after my family made me realize that remaining in the hospital wasnt such a bad idea. i came to appreciate my time being hospitalized as something that was necessary, regardless of it's duration. i can only hope to live up to my own lofty expectations going into the future. i'm glad to be able to say that i have fans that outweigh any number of haters i might've amassed until now...

edwin

how to become a philosopher (or, proving that you're psychic)...

|\* 1. accumulate pennies (metals are deterrents to ALL frequencies; copper is the one which makes them *POP*)
* 2. arrange them in the configuration which makes the most sense to you (NEVER explain, simply
       OBSERVE)
* 3. adjust to your NEW sense of "silence"...

p.s. bonus points to those who keep their mouth shut once they BELIEVE!

i'm the realest nigga...

* as mentioned before in this space, i have been to "the edge" and i have flown over it; free fallen through a black hole in order to splatter in reality only to rebound from it all. in other words, i'm relishing the role of "lunatic" that i've taken up as my own. i read the wikipedia article relating to it and the latest theory applies to how the moon affects people with bipolar disorder. (for the uninitiated, i have bipolar, deal with it.) they claim that it makes us crazier, to sum it up. of course, i laughed, because it only further proves that science cannot explain the human condition.

* i had an experience tonight which served to really piss me off. i went off inside of my friend's prius (nice dichotomy) on a rant that fully explained to me that i need to step up for my self next week when i see my psychiatrist. i'm going to tell her that i know my legal rights and will ask to be permanently removed from having to take prescription drugs. i'm of sound mind and body to make this decision, and it i've spent a lot of time thinking about it. i've done everything i can to prove to my self that while the medication helps, my preferred medicine is marijuana. granted, i'm now proving that i can live without it, but this is a matter of preference, read the previous sentence again. i will no longer submit to being a lab rat in their pharmaceutical experiment. i refuse to submit to their rules. from now on, I am in control of my life.

* spent a GREAT day thursday with my nigga justin. he helped me to feel "normal" for an entire day. picked me up from my brother's house and we drove into the city and had lunch at park chow near golden gate park. it was delicious as i had a lamb burger with mint on it. words cant put it into perspective. we kept up our great conversation about my life the past couple of years throughout the day and he helped me to see a lot of things i had managed to overlook.

in short, it pays to have friends like him. with him, he gets me without explanation. that's something i can say about VERY few people. i'm constantly having to dumb down or adapt to an audience which isnt on my level. i'm not afraid to admit that i look down on people for refusing to challenge themselves intellectually. we have no excuse for being "stupid". and this is coming from someone who mostly watches sports on tv. i research a lot of things, but i'm not "smart" in a conventional sense. i've learned to reduce everything (reductionist theory) to it's root in order to see the forest through the trees. for this i have become labeled as having bipolar. science will never be able to fully prove the complicated nature of the "human condition".

i'm looking forward to making it a more routine thing to hang out with justin, because hanging out with him i came up with a ten-year plan for how i will become the first latino mayor in san francisco. it's going to be a challenge, but i have nothing else better to do. i think social networking will have advanced to the point that politicians will learn to fear the common person. thank you, mr zuckerberg for bringing the "playground" to the masses. now we get to REALLY see who is the coolest kid on the block. i'll let everybody do their rounds before they decide that when they met me was the realest experience they ever had. i'm like the hardest pokemon to capture, ha ha ha.

* i really should be trying to go to sleep after the admittedly shitty night i had arguing with my cousin yuri. he was an asshole who hijacked my night in and then he had the nerve to "kick me out" of his house. he was being drunk and an even bigger asshole. needless to say, i will NOT be showing up to his barbecue tomorrow. i'm going to go to my mom's house tomorrow and just relax and use the internet for a little while. i dont exactly feel "at home" there anymore, but maybe that's for the better.

  the place was never my home and i was a fool for pretending that it ever was. the truth is, i have no home. home is where my heart is and my heart is in san francisco. i want my own spot in the city to call my own, no matter how long it takes me. i want it to be centrally located so that i can stumble home on the nights when i dont feel like driving. i deserve to have the life i can imagine, and i dont care what i need to do to earn it.

  i believe that stand-up comedy will help me lead that life, but i've got to organize my shit enough to be able to do it. i've got to quit being afraid and start doing stand-up at all open-mics. learn to live the dream within the dream. if i so believe that i am the realest nigga on the block, it's about time i went out and proved it. i think i can learn the rules fast enough to find the way to beat them at their own game. people are constantly entering and making progress in the entertainment industry, why not me? i've got a unique story to offer that would sell papers AND magazines. i could have a one hour special with oprah that would help her enter the latino market. why am i not thinking on better terms? ugh, being a genius comes with certain consequences, but i'm willing to see  this through. i was born to be in front of the camera, because i'm constantly entertaining.

* time for sleep. i suffer from delusions of grandeur, but that's what they tell you until you go out and prove you were right all along. your vision must be strong enough to repel ALL doubters, otherwise known as haters, ha ha ha.

  ah, yes, life will be so much better when i'm reading these blogs back in my space in san francisco. i believe i will have all the money i will ever need to be happy, and it wont take much...

edwin

they ACTUALLY care *shocked face*...

* if i've learned one thing these past couple of days is that i was "wrong" about my mother: she loves me more than i'll EVER understand. this is why i say that she is the only woman who makes me fall in love with her EVERY time i talk to her. the best part is she doesnt believe me when i tell her this. so is the complicated feeling called "love".

* spent 8 days locked up again (a great way to spend the 4th of july) and then spent 8 more days in a half-way house. what have you done lately?

  the looney bin was fun because i met some cool people there and earned a feeling of validation, like, maybe before i die i will be able to be the face of a new revolution. mentall illness, we're coming for ya, come out with your hands up. these head-peepers think they have ME figured out? shit, if i didnt know better, i'd think they were trying to start a fight with me. with the help of my family, i WILL beat the system, or die trying. wait, my personal philosophy is that we're all already dead and we exist in god's "mind" as zombies. ha ha ha, i am not bullshitting you right now. that's the latest theory i came up with in order to prove the existence of god. you have to admit that it's pretty fucking clever. if you dont, you're a hater.

* the two people who know me the best are helping me right now to stand on my own two feet. believe me: it sucks when life knocks you down, and it's worse when you're down and you dont even realize it. folks, i think it's safe to say i've reached rock bottom. from here we can only go up, which means the law of averages has some nice surprises in store for me. i cant believe i feel this excited about my life after the hell i was put through the past 16 days. in less than a week my family earned my respect again. we might actually have a chance to get the proverbial band back together, ha ha ha, but getting that final member to join again WILL prove to be my ultimate challenge.

  fuck the fact that i'm hopelessly madly in love with a girl who lives in another country. women have always proven to be the easiest to manipulate in this "game" i'm playing. and quite frankly, i think i should focus my efforts more on bitch number 2 (scarlett johansson) than on bitch number 1 (nadiya kravetz). either way, i'm bound to meet the realest bitch at some point in my life when i'm FINALLY doing god's work, which is to grow medicine (read: medical cannabis). that's it, people, i'm a VERY simple man. i dont want for needs; i desire little and am satisfied with it. everything i need in life is either free or a question away from being given to me. it's why my brother, rafael, nicknamed me "free", and it's why people love me everywhere i go.

  i'm the proverbial glue, if you will. i'm the one you call when you need help "fording" the proverbial river. believe me, you want me on your side, i help people get through life without killing them selves. i have the mental scars to prove my mettle and the niggas in the street all respect me for being a real nigga.

* if you're offended by my use of the word nigga, let me help you to catch up: SLAVERY IS OVER!!! thus, people have done a good job of taking back the word and now all the kids on the street call each other nigga. so, to my nigga's out there, stay real and dont let these perpetrators try to tell you you're racist. THEY'RE racist because they are brainwashed to speak bullshit they read in the papers. it's why nobody watches that shit; it's a waste of time. if you really want to know what's going on, talk to your neighbors. there was a time when the word community meant something and people were proud to represent their block.

* if you're offended by my use of the word bitch, fuck you. i WILL call any woman i desire a bitch to her face because the word holds a special meaning to me. you see, women play this stupid game where they call us men dogs. so, if you're logical, you WILL understand that the female who has puppies is called a bitch, ergo if you wanna be my "girl" you GOTTA let me call you my bitch, otherwise you're proving you're not worthy enough to have my children.

  believe me, you WANT to have my babies, they'll be the most talked about because i come from a very small latin american country whose primary exports were small children during the civil war in the 80's. yeah, the great ol' united states of AMERICA had to issue an apology for perpetrating the war and funding the contras who killed untold thousands to silence the movement. as you can guess, the rebels won, but they managed to get us hooked to their american dollars and now people make $5 a day at best. in other words: my mother country is STILL fucked up. thanks a lot USA, i still got love for you.

* i have this idea for a website where we'll sell TRULY offensive t-shirts but i dont know how to get it off the ground. if you're reading this and can help, please contact me via facebook. enter my email: coreas.edwin@gmail.com or search edwin antonio coreas to find me. it's the best way to contact me. i dont have a cell phone and refuse to provide personal info to someone who needs to be pre-qualified for such privileged info.

* it's late/early and i gotta jet soon; thanks for reading!!!

edwin

life recently...

* we could start with the obvious (i was locked up in the mental hospital again for 8 days) or we could start with what is most recent (watched my boy, MadBum, handle the indians today), but let's just go ahead and start...

* i'll just say that it isnt easy being me, but from taking a peek at me, you'd never guess that. i make it look "easy" on purpose, i understand we're all going "through" it and no one wants to look "weak". but, there ARE tell-tale signs, none of which i will share, i'll just admit that keen-eyed observers would be right about me in ways i'd be initially shy to share. none of it changes the FACT that i'm certifiably crazy.

  it's not a title everyone aims to have placed on them someday, but it was one of many that i aspired to. sure, you could call me "ahead" of my time, but you must admit that i'm unlike many you have met before. i'm wild, i'm strong, and if you give me the chance, i'm pretty damn funny. my only problem is that i prefer to live my life with the bullshit turned "off" and not many traditional folk seem to enjoy it. suits me fine, however, and they are things about me that those who know me best would never change.

  i'm not rude on purpose, just by habit. i dont offend for mere shock value, i hold stock in my own words and i'm capable of throwing down with the best of them, if only because it keeps me "young". people have to know when they're entering strange territory, and i, for one, have no qualms with sharing my honest opinion. that isnt to say that i'm "right" about whatever it is i'm presently rambling about, i'm just aiming to prove to you that i've put more THOUGHT into my words than you considered before uttering yours. no matter, in the end i'm only competing with my self.

* there i go again getting lost in translation. i aim to transcribe what i feel are my free-flowing thoughts and i end up caught in the middle between "conscious" and "writing", two active channels which have yet to learn to co-exist. "one of these days", i keep telling my self, but the ellipse never finishes, it's ongoing. it isnt easy when you're living with a mental illness, or what some would call a "damaged" brain, but you do the best you can.

  i'm fortunate because i actively embrace the difference between me and other "sane" people. i value my difference and the "benefits" it holds. for starters, i'm NEVER bored. EVER. not even for a second. i literally do NOT know what that word even means. people laugh when they hear me say this, which is only proof they have NO IDEA what i'm referring to.

* do you honestly think i've forgotten about "the game"? *sinister laugh* my friends, this ends when I say it ends, regardless of what happens. all i WILL say is that it is only going to end badly. many will be hurt before this is through, and i will have my vindication before it is all said and done, but it WILL end badly, that's all i know for certain.

  *deep sigh*

  and then i am reminded of just how lonely my existence really is. come, i welcome thee into the darkness which is my "mind". i welcome you into the shadow world of truth and the impossible, all one must do is give up one's sense of "control" and accept the fact that it has all been "written". i'm writing my part right now, and i GUARANTEE you it would be deserving of an academy award nomination on mars. they "get" me there and love my humor. maybe, if you gave me a chance...

* i've never much desired to be wanted. all i'm looking for is a sense of comfort. you know, something i can grow old with, a routine if you will. being eccentric is NOT easy. people think that what you naturally are going through is a "process". attention: NOTHING i go through can be properly described. you either have and enjoy "backstage passes" to reality or you live in a comfortable bubble which prevents you from seeing "clearly". surely, there was a time when you could imagine such impossible possibilities. i am not the last of my kind, just the one choosing to purposely suffer through it in order to find a greater sense of "purpose".

  i'm putting those words in quotations ("") in order to test the value you place on them. i chose them to see if you cared what i wrote or if you're aimlessly reading anything i write. the exercise is trivial and strictly for my own personal enjoyment, which i guess is the honest truth. i'm not laughing about it now, and i most certainly will NOT be laughing about it later. i'll probably be playing the role of "sloth" wonderfully in my day's "shoot".

  oh, you didnt know i had my own shitty reality TV show? yeah, we're filming daily and trying to come up with a concrete story to sell, but we're presently out of ideas. come back later, once we've "medicated" and feel free to join the open forum discussion between my self and the various "characters" i have hidden inside me. or dont, it really doesnt matter to me. i'm crazy and will enjoy whatever happens to me, no matter what, ha ha ha.

* maybe i'm part of the "lucky" ones. maybe i get to enjoy life unfiltered because i've demonstrated the capacity to go where no man has gone before. there's got to be a REASON why i was chosen for this experiment. i didnt purposely choose this ending. is this the part where i get married and start a family, because i thought i was supposed to reach that conclusion a long time ago? have i been purposely getting this whole thing wrong? when do the editors step in and rectify the situation? oh boy, i can already tell where this is going.

  it would be much easier to accept my fate as a no-name nobody, the equivalent of a failure, but it's just too much fun pushing up against life and telling it "i have not yet begun to fight!" it is too much fun picking a fight with the neighborhood bully in a neighborhood i have no business being a part of in a part of town which has seen better days. i love being the unknown underdog. the mysterious antihero, once you get to know me. in short, i am what i am. in my mind i am just a boy who never stopped dreaming.

  it wasnt always so complicated, but in order to find the rhythm behind the music you have to go very far back to a time when i knew less an craved more. a time when love sprung eternal and i felt a victim to it as opposed to anything else. how come love seems to follow me? and as the circumstances faded into more ordinary so did my lovers become more ordinary. in truth, they were ALL extraordinary in their own right. i could never give any of them their proper due without somehow compromising my personal code. they ALL meant something, even the temporary ones. they knew what they were getting into, nobody forced them.

  this wall of solitude i've erected is my personal exile; my personal hell. i have isolated my self in order to find the root of the problem. i was right all along, which only disappoints me. does ANYONE understand how it feels to be let down by the one you considered to be your "one true love"? is this what some go through before deciding to commit to a loveless marriage "for the children"?

* you REALLY want to know? i'm crazy about her. the kicker is that i'm crazy about the other bitch, too, and i've convinced my self that i'd be the happiest man on earth if i could have them both.

  the reality is that NEITHER will give me the time of day. i've managed to realize my dream of becoming a lifelong hopeless romantic. there's an entire wing of romantic comedies which is dedicated entirely to the "friend who will never be more than a friend." all jokes aside, i kind of like it here. it's my own personal purgatory in the form of a "hell". at this point, it's the only type of "love" i find honest enough to put my self through. women play too many games to get attached to them for very long, and the ones who are most desired marry into prearranged marriages. it's kind of sad and pathetic, until you remember that this is how things have been done for hundreds of years.

  no one EVER really had a choice. we were ALL brainwashed to believe that a nice person from the other side of the tracks would make life easier for us somehow, someway. a pipe dream nonetheless, but a dream in the vaguest of definitions. WHO CARES once the children are born? nobody will tell them the truth until they're too old to care simply about the truth and will instead be preoccupied with how it makes them look bad. oy vey, the drama of life is never completely written. even beyond our deaths, the gossip continues. may they ALWAYS speak of me, regardless of the tone.

* the truth is that if i could have either one of them, i know i could have the other. but, i've set my bar at the highest it could ever possibly be set.

  scarlett johansson? are you kidding me? *laughs at self* folks, i didnt make "the game" up, i just stumbled into it somehow. and dont ask me to explain the "score". someone is "winning" but it certainly is NOT me. i am beginning to think my role is simply that of a medieval court jester: pure nonsensical entertainment, which suits me just fine.

  some day i'll have the money to start growing my crops and that will be a day sooner to my overall happiness. WHY is this so hard to understand? i just want to grow medicine, that's it. we can use it to barter and enter the financial system, but if we never did, we'd be wiser for it. how come i'm having such a hard time finding a way into this world? i can already see my future self laughing at this sometime in the future. it's funny to me now, but not as funny as it will be to me then. it's great to be able to make comedy in the past, present, AND future. i'm talented that way.

* recap: crazy man seeks love who will enable him to realize untapped potential into the present to manifest wildest dreams. you figure out what that means and  explain it to me. just DONT dial 911, unless it is an emergency. i mean this, ha ha ha...

edwin

post mother's day updates...

* thanks to all who expressed their concern over my last post. i didnt intend to disappoint anyone, my self included, but i felt it was the right thing to do. i'm glad i shared with you the stupidity of my actions, if only to remind you, and my self, that i am only human. i realize now that not only do i have plenty to live for, it would be a shame if i left just yet. there's plenty of hell i have left to raise, plenty of joints i have yet to smoke, and too many beautiful women who will possibly compete for my attention once i FINALLY begin doing the comedy tip real big.

  in the meantime, i'm reminding my self that i have to take it one day at a time, but that everything will turn out alright. i have all the tools i need to be successful, and am currently enrolled in school to acquire more tools to broaden my horizons in the future. needless to say, it was a VERY stupid thing i attempted, and that i'm glad was unsuccessful, though in hindsight, i have to admit i came pretty damn close. if i hadnt reacted by lifting my head and puking my guts out, i would have likely ended up choking on my own vomit. i can't think of a more disgusting, and avoidable, way to die, ha ha ha.

* mother's day came and went and with it any remaining "love" i feel for my mom. i wont go into too many details here, but i've basically reached my wits end with regards to caring for her. she doesnt need me to do squat for her, and i intend to prove to her that i CAN and WILL have success in my life raising crops, regardless of what they think about it. every day that i continue to live under their roof is one less day i am living my personal dream, and since they've already been informed of the money-making potential of said venture, they're purposely keeping me from realizing my humble dreams. not that it matters, because i'm going to do everything i can to find a job in order to move out as soon as possible. i have an idea of what i'd like to do with my life, and since i am a legal patient there is nothing to keep me from pursuing my humble dreams.

  i just wish my family had a better understanding of what i deal with inside my head on a daily basis, but their lack of support only serves to motivate me. i dont need anybody, i only ask certain people to be a part of my life. and that's all it is, is an invitation. i'm confident that i will find the happiness i crave on my own, just as i usually have in the past. it's just a little sad to have to reach certain realizations on your own, especially when your whole life people spend their time telling you they'll always be there for you, and other terrible lies. it's very pathetic to have to accept people for who they really are, in spite of their words.

* the pacquiao vs mosley fight was a huge letdown, but only because mosley wouldnt let pacquiao hit him more. can't say that i blame him, but he could've taken more of a beating for the millions he was certainly paid. it would've made for better television than what was shown. instead, we all had to hope anxiously that pacquiao would connect more on any of the multiple combinations he landed all night. mosley had a solid career, and at times i found my self cheering for him, but his final fight was nothing to see. i guess i'm glad it's not my money that was spent this weekend buying said fight. then again, i'm glad i got to watch it, regardless of how it turned out.

* i'm focusing on being more concise and to the point with my blogs, so with that i'm off to do whatever the hell i was doing before i decided to write this blog. gotta keep up the job search and hope that i get a call for an interview real soon. wish me luck!

edwin

almost an abrupt ending...

* the pills tasted bland, but they went down my throat just the same. i didnt hesitate to shove the contents of both bottles down my throat, it just felt like the thing to do. it didnt matter how i felt, i knew that soon all of it would be no more. or so i believed.

  the next thing i remember is waking up puking my guts out. i heaved as hard as my body could manage in order to purge my self of said pills. what the hell had i been thinking, and why had i allowed my self to take it this far? was i seriously up to the task, or was this just a desperate cry for attention? it didnt seem to matter, because all i could do was hold my self up on all fours, gasping for air as chunks continued to fly out of me. no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt focus. it was difficult enough having caught my self in the middle of it, i didnt quite understand how i was supposed to survive. i tried to breathe but more chunks continued to fly. there was no one around, save for the tracks and the different trains which passed by me. surely, someone would have been alerted to my presence beside the tracks?

  i laid back down and attempted to breathe clearly as i stared up at the stars. they definitely felt welcoming, but to a silly man like my self that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. at the moment, i was having a hard time thinking straight, since the effects of 64 sleeping pills had begun to make me woozy and delirious. i knew there was no way i could ever explain this to anyone without seeming like the bad guy, so i wasnt even going to try. i figured that since i was unsuccessful in my attempt, i was better off telling my self that i had never tried it to begin with. of course, the lingering effects would last for the better part of 2 days and they would make it nearly impossible for me to leave my house. i say "nearly" because somehow i managed to leave my house to visit my nigga dave.

* he could tell something was amiss from the moment i walked up the stairs and into his living room. i gave him the brief version of what had transpired and he warned me that since i had tried once before, i would probably try again. somehow, the thought didnt seem as appealing when he mentioned it as when i had thought of it on my own. not to say that it continues to seem appealing, but i've definitely had some conversations with my self to talk my self away from such stupid choices. let's just say that i was feeling frisky/ballsy and decided to make a choice which ultimately did not have the intended consequences i had desired, leaving me with more questions to answer from people who seem more interested in my well being than care to demonstrate with actions.

  i feel as alone as i ever have, but somehow i have found a reason (as minute as it may seem) to delay the inevitable. at least, i feel like leaving it in the hands of life as opposed to taking matters into my own hands. i realize now the choice i made a few nights ago was a hasty one and that i must fight to live on in this life if i am ever to see the success i envision for my self. sure, it may seem like one extreme to another, but in this life all i have left is to dream. i figure that if i'm going to dream, i may as well dream big. at least, until those dark and dreary thoughts come back and i feel like i can't fight them off on my own. who will i call for assistance when the darkness overwhelms me again? that's a rhetorical question, since i've never relied on anyone to get me out of my darkest funks.

  in the end, i imagine it will be me and whatever creative way i decide to end things. no more, no less. there will be no need for tears, because it will be the ending i desire; of this much i am certain. the question remains as to "when?" when will things seem perfect enough for me to bid farewell to? when will i throw in the proverbial towel and call it quits? when will my disillusioned self finally cave in to the pressures of life? hopefully, not anytime soon.

  i've tried to remind my self these past couple of days that the end i was seeking is not for me, that i have plenty more to live for, even if it is difficult for me to imagine any happiness. i dont know how i ended up in such a sad and helpless state, but i am committed to seeing my self to a better level. there is just no other way. if i managed to save myself unexpectedly by sitting up as i was beginning to heave my guts, then it must've been on purpose. i didnt spend a whole day out in the sun woozy and delirious, trying to find my legs beneath me, only to try such stupid acts again. i told my self that if i managed to survive it would be the last time i did what i did. certainly, there's no reason for me to try again.

* telling my closest friends and family was difficult enough, but i'm still here. that's the part i must remember. i wasnt successful, which means that i still have a chance at realizing my wildest dreams. all that's needed is a better gameplan and a lot more patience, but i have the firm belief that things will eventually turn for the better. what else am i supposed to tell my self as i suffer quietly through this dark period? no, i'm not asking anyone who is reading this for help, i'm simply informing you of what i've been dealing with the past couple of days. i dont expect anyone to talk any sense into me, regardless of how much i respect you. this is a battle i have to win on my own, and i'm confident that i am capable of winning it.

  it still is not easy to digest the details of that night, but the facts are the facts. i wasted money unnecessarily attempting to bring to an end a life that many have fought to keep alive. it was so foolish of me to believe that ending it so abruptly was the answer to everything. i understand now, more than ever, that it was hasty thinking on my part which led me to that conclusion. at least now i have the experience itself to remind me that i do not wish to repeat it. perhaps i do not have a completely vested interest in this existence, but i'm confident that i will find my calling if i just stay out of trouble. everything i've put my self through has been with a purpose and this experience is no different.

* i remember the last time i came that close to death it was with my dear friend badru, back in high school. he had made the choice to end his life and all i, or anyone else, could do was to assist him. sure, it didnt seem like the "right" thing to do, but what else could you say to someone who was convinced that ending it was the way to go? i never thought that i'd have a turn in that role, and having lived through it, i dont wish those feelings upon anyone.

  i only share these details now with you all because pretending they never happened would be disingenuous. i dont expect any of you to understand how i was feeling, but if you do, thank you. loneliness to that degree should never be experienced by anyone, and i'm a better person for having suffered, and lived, through all of it. i know now that i intend to live the rest of my life with a purpose, and that it will take me time to deliver on the promises i have made to my self. i WILL do something with my life that is worthwhile. i WILL become something more than i presently am. i WILL live to die of natural causes, or die by any other means life deems fit for me. just, not at my own hands. that experiment is over and i'm glad i get to live to tell about it.

* there are so many more thoughts and feelings i wish to share, but for now this will be all. i've got plenty to think about in the following days, i just hope a job follows shortly to help distract me from thinking too much. earning a paycheck is a pleasure i have missed for far too long, hopefully soon that will change...

edwin

through the doldrums...

...one must go in order to find a happier place.

* folks, i'm trying and it isnt working. i guess i'm going to go to sleep upset and frustrated. at least i can say i'm used to it by now, ha ha ha. there, i managed to make my self laugh. maybe a career in comedy isnt such a ludicrous idea.

  but how do you channel every thing you've got when you feel like you havent got a thing. ah, the conundrums of life and how seemingly stupid i am at figuring them out. action or inaction, sometimes it all feels the same. like a terrible catch-22: you're damned if you, you're damned if you dont. i dont know which to pick sometimes, because everything i thought i knew turned out to be bollocks. sure, i can name the president and the year, but neither of those things concerns me. i'm a lunatic and only crazy thoughts satisfy me. as in, the crazier, the better. that's what i get for buying into every idea and delusion served up to me. that's what i get for having such an awesome imagination. i get placed on 5150. even the cops dont understand the scope of my "work".

* sigh.

  lately, very few things have made sense to me. i still dont even think i've managed to figure out exactly WHY the cops placed me on 5150. was i REALLY stupid enough to nod my head in agreement at everything the cops said? ugh, there's no way to know for sure, unless you ask me to roll back the tape. you dont want me to do that, believe me. the more i explain, the less every thing will make sense. the less my life will make sense to me, and the more i will have to admit to my self that i am crazier than even i understand.

  people have come into my life and i believe it's all been for a reason, yet when i try to tie every thing together, nothing makes sense. folks, who can live this way? it's becoming increasingly more frustrating because of my lack of a support system. it's as if i will have to manage every thing on my own, as usual. can't rely on others because they're busy making the most of their lives. how weak could i possibly be to have to ask anyone for help? it's a rhetorical question, since asking for help is actually a sign of strength than of weakness.

* all i want is to perform on-stage and for people to laugh. i hear that's the key to everything. maybe, it's even my way out of this hell-hole i've dug my self into. no, wait, that's actually a limitation that exists inside my head. ugh, when will i ever figure this whole thing out. i dont think i want to play anymore, but when did the game(s) begin? here we go again with the same questions that will never be answered. what i saw is what i saw. what i did is still confusing to me. what the hell did i do to end up on 5150 4 separate times, and why does going back seem like an attractive option.

  i'll tell you one thing: they sure do listen to you in the hospital. they dont help you figure anything out, but they'll listen to you. the question is if you're listening to your self. i think i may have done more to place scarlett johansson on alert to my "presence" than i understand. just exactly do you explain to a celebrity that some random nobody they've never met is asking to meet them, and why would she even listen? then again, where the hell did the notion of scarlett johansson come from? i'm blurring the line again and it's not even funny.

  i thought i knew what i was getting into and now i realize i'm in over my head. WHO THE HELL WAS I TALKING TO!?

  never mind. this is more difficult than i thought. nothing left to do but to end this blog. there's more going on inside my head than anyone realizes, and even i dont understand the whole of it. undergoing treatment will only aggravate the situation. this will only end badly...

edwin

not in a good mood...

* ... but you wouldnt know it by looking at me. okay, maybe you could, and that's the point.

* great. my parents were gone for almost 3 weeks and they get back tonight. i'm not nearly as excited as i had anticipated i'd be, because i dont have any good news to share with them. not that it matters, i think things have ultimately run their course. some big changes will certainly be necessary in order for me to find any semblance of happiness soon.

  it's kind of depressing to have such a clear vision of the world. i say depressing because what do you do when life stops making sense to you? what do you do when your imagination runs wild and you suddenly blur the line between fantasy and reality. and i'm not talking about sexual fantasies; those would be much more appreciated at the moment than anything else. i'm talking about the craziness that i have experienced and have no idea of how to make sense of it.

  even saying all of this is depressing me, but it's necessary. i've got to get these stupid thoughts out of my head.

* what does it take to be truly great at something? is it more than just god-given talent, or does it require some form of commitment? i dont know, i'm not particularly good at any one thing. there have been moments where i believed i could be great at something, but my desire was never enough to fuel me through the walls that eventually spring up as one pursues greatness.

  not that there is anyone to blame, but my self. i've tried to be independent that way. it's too easy for me to fault my parents for being inadequate at their jobs and for making my life difficult as i was growing up. it's too easy to be upset about the way my life has turned out. it's too easy to stay down because i feel i'm never going to know what up looks like again. but that doesnt stop me from trying. some days it's the only feeling which makes sense. that sense of hopelessness and desperation mean something, i just have to figure out what.

  there i go allowing the disappointment to seep through. i thought i told my self i wasnt going to write this type of post. i guess even i dont listen to my own rules. how the hell else am i supposed to follow anyone elses?

* concerning the job i was up for at the home depot: unfortunately, since i failed the drug test (i even admitted to them that i am a medical patient) there is nothing that can be done for me. the irony is that i had even purchased one of those specialty drinks to mask my urine, but i guess i didnt follow the instructions right, because i failed it anyway.

  the point is that the home depot should work with me as opposed to against me. i admitted my status to them and they refuse to help me to get the job. that's understandable, since i am technically in limbo between federal and state laws. it's just SUPER frustrating when you havent worked in a while and you're looking for a job. you think about EVERY little thing an employer will want to know and you either commit to being honest, or you learn to hide the truth. as is obvious by now, i prefer 100% honesty. this doesnt mean that it has not backfired in the past, i just did not expect it to backfire this time.

  the day my parents left for el salvador i had the interview and walked out of there feeling like a million dollars. now, on the night they are set to return, i feel like a cheap plastic bag small children have used to sniff glue. ugh, it sucks to feel used. that's what i get for counting my chickens before they'd hatched...

edwin

no names or games...

* i guess in the end it made sense. i'd always gotten that certain vibe off her, but had been too shy to mention it further. some things are not supposed to be mentioned with "family". some things aren't ever supposed to be discussed, it's simply understood.

  but she's always possessed a mischievousness about her that turned me on; i couldnt deny it. i knew i was passively teasing her with our extended hugs. she'd always treated me in a loving way, how could i possibly misinterpret that? i knew she was teasing me, too, but in such a manner that was subtle and coy. no one would EVER imagine us being more than friends, which only increased my level of interest. she is just as misunderstood as i am, what more could i possibly ask of her?

* why wont you answer me? she remained quiet. she'd made an opening and i had decided to take advantage of it. why would you say something like that if you didnt mean it? i could feel my self tensing up; i was getting excited. at the same time disappointment was beginning to creep into my mind. "great," i thought "another woman who talks more than she is willing to do..." i could sense she could feel my eyes weighing on her, but she continued to wash dishes.

  "are you sure you know what you're asking me for?" of course, otherwise, i wouldn't have mentioned it. "are you sure this is what you want?" quit playing games, i know what we're talking about. "then let's make a pact: just you and me, okay?" fine, this stays between us. "let's go to your room..."

* "do you have protection?" of course.

  and all at once it came rushing back to me. the exhiliration of being naked, the feel of bare skin against mine, the sweet taste of pussy gushing through my mouth (i had no idea how much i'd missed it), the excitement of unwrapping a condom (the so-called "modern day glass slipper") and putting it on, slowly making my way inside, etc.

  we didnt have much time, but we took advantage of each other with what we did have. it felt different, it felt fun, and it felt good. the rush itself made the experience worth it. as i mentioned before: it wasnt supposed to happen, but it did. but, that's why i enjoyed it, and why it was worth sharing, even if it was without all of the necessary details.

* now i can look forward to repeating the act with another consenting adult...

edwin

a strange week on 5150, a tattoo, and finally getting laid in '11...

* bro, if you only knew what's been going through my head, you'd understand why i ended up on 5150 this week.

  as it turns out, the cops claim i said i wanted to hurt my self, which automatically qualifies me for detention; and i dont mean the kind where all you have to put up with is a mean old lady who wants you to be quiet because she cant stop thinking about when was the last time she was fucked right. i'm talking about the "big boy" detention, when the cops stop being your friends and become your chaperone. they took me in to general and acted like i knew what was happening the whole time. it was pure bollocks, because they took my 3/4 of an ounce of weed and NEVER returned it.

  goes to show me for sitting down on haight st and bartering with people. i was making shit happen on the street, but i think someone called the cops on us. either way, it makes no difference. i KNEW better than to answer any of the questions the cops were asking me. all i had to say was "i refuse to answer any of your questions without my attorney present" and they would've known to leave me alone, or take me in for questioning. ARGH! if you're reading this, that is a LEGITIMATE response to the cops, look it up, ha ha ha, and maybe you can avoid being placed on 5150.

* i got the "SF" symbol the giants rock on their caps in green on my right forearm. i figured it was appropriate for me to get it because it's a simple reminder of a lot o things, especially of the week and month of april, 2011. i got it because i knew it would mean something to me for the rest of my life. you dont want to get a tattoo if you dont feel this way, believe me.

  the day was thursday the 21st of april, 2011, the day after 4/20 and before i had to go in for a blood donation (apheresis). i was supposed to take my nigga, dave, with me, but obviously things didnt work out. i had a lot to take care of, especially with regards to my sexual life, ha ha ha.

  i know i shouldnt be talking about it, because it's going to raise questions, but i'm an exhibitionist; i like sharing my shit. it makes me excited to know that i can openly share certain things about my self which would hopefully turn some of you on. there's nothing wrong with it, either, because i believe people like being turned on. i think people enjoy reading in on things they might otherwise never be exposed to. one never knows what will happen if one is open to new experiences.

  and that's exactly what i'm referring to, is a new experience. i shared something with someone i had suspected, but had never truly confirmed until it ended up happening. what else can i say, beyond these cryptic words. i gave them my word, and that's stronger than anything i've said previously in this space. bear with me, but it'll come out some time in the form of a story. maybe that's the best way i can share my freaky adventures. we'll see...

edwin

someone screwed up...

...but i'm not upset about it. that's the thing with me: i hardly ever get upset. to me, getting upset is a wasted emotion. either deal with it or move on, but complaining at length's end about something WILL NOT change it.

* i did everything i was supposed to on my end. got some sleep, got dressed in my nice suit i bought last week, and was even EARLY to the interview. i never would've believed i'd turn out the way i have, especially since i used to be late everywhere, but thank god. it was great.

  until...

  i arrived at the door and was met promptly by a nice older gentleman asking me what i needed. i let him know and he quickly blew my momentum when he said "kevin isnt here today".

  WHAT?!?! are you SERIOUS?!

  no, i didnt react like that, ha ha ha. i just said okay and then another manager told me to call back at 8am to speak with someone else to set up an interview for tonight. great, when am i supposed to sleep, because i tried to last night and couldnt pass out until 1:30am. i'd been "trying" to go to sleep since like 10pm. i'll admit, i wasnt doing my best, but i was trying to minimize distractions in order to be able to fall asleep. it isnt easy for me, to sleep, because of my condition. some days i sleep like a baby; other days i wont sleep at all. [insert crack joke here]

  so yeah, i'm just killing time and waiting to call tracy in an hour while listening to my folks get ready to go about their day. crazy, but that's life.

* this is the week. dont ask me for what or why, just know that this is the week. i have a good feeling about things and i can "feel" myself making "progress". hopefully, i'll get a job and start working out. i want to swim, because i'm like a fish in water. i swim around all happy like and get the biggest smile on my face. plus, i heard swimming is the best exercise anyone cand do. it works out all of your major muscles and tones you down. plus, you can say "i got wet today, what have you done?" ha ha ha, sometimes i crack myself up!

  but yeah, this is the week, i can feel it. my life is going to begin to turn around for the better. that's the only thing one can hope for, right?

  i've been down for so long i forgot what up was, but now i see that i was simply preparing myself mentally to actually begin to make something of my self. i had to go through the worst of times in order to get to this point. the point where i can feel like myself and begin to make magic happen. i know the facts, which haunt me, but i'm going to trudge forward. i forgot that i've always had EVERYTHING i need. right here, right now. i couldnt ask for more, beyond a career or profession, obviously. i'm trying to get paid somehow to do my thizzle, ha ha ha.

* i'm documenting all this so that later on it'll be easy for us to say "this was the moment". i mean, what is a moment, right? how long does one last and when are they over? is that a reference to a female orgasm? "no". i'm just crazy that way.

  someday, things will be MUCH different, hopefully better. well, scratch that. things WILL be better, because i've already been through the "worst". i always remind myself that half-truths can tell whole-truths. i forgot that i'd only given myself half of the instructions to lead me to success and that i already knew the other half.

  "wait, are you referencing yourself in two separate tenses? i think the audience understands." well, we have to do our "due diligence" in order to be certain our audience follows us. "why does that matter, speak your mind, you're an artist/writer, let people figure it out". that's not what i mean, i'm just trying to keep all of our "passengers" on board the "crazy train" (thank you, ozzie!).

* someone told me it was important to track my thoughts and that writing would help. well, let's go off the deep end (well, i'm already down here, all of you are just "falling" to me) and assume that "charlotte" is reading this and that she is manipulating me somehow in order to lead me to her. god, i hope you make this a reality. i REALLY want to meet "charlotte". as in, if it wasnt such a stupid idea, i'd kill myself right after getting to meet her, if she seriously doesnt trust me.

  wait, never mind, that was a stupid paragraph. "keep writing, edwin, not all of them will be perfect". easy for you to say, you're not the one responsible for actually writing all of this down. "edwin, you're talking to yourself again". i dont care, it's how i "cope" with the world and all that has happened. i'll even share a secret with you:

  i think we're all dead.

  yeah, you read that right. half-truths be damned, i think the opposite of what we've been told all of our lives is true. life is death, death is life. our lives are moments which continually unravel and we're responsible for grabbing the most important details as they're happening. the difficult part is in deciding which memories are worth keeping. i asked for the VIP package, so i want them all.

  i remember watching "waking life" and loving the conversation between ethan hawke and julie delpy about how maybe our lives are just passing "before" our eyes and we're already dead. it gave me a further sense of calm to believe that perhaps all of this pressure i've been heaping upon myself is for naught? why am i pushing myself, what is my purpose? i thought i would never know, but now i do. my goal is to make a living making people laugh, plain and simple.

  but life is a cruel teacher. it pushed and pulled and wouldnt get out of my way, or was it the other way around? was i impeding someone's free will? nonsense, i would NEVER do that. i believe in letting people go in their own directions. dont be against anything, be in favor of a better alternative, is what i say. there's no point in arguing with people when you can find more constructive ways of "getting" to them. people are not stupid, some just like to disagree, and they'll argue with you ad nauseam until they've "beaten" you. it's a vicious cycle, which is why i walk away from a lot of drama. if i actually reacted in a typical way, i'd probably have a long arrest record by now for having physically hurt people.

 then again, as i told this beautiful girl i met recently, and with whom i'm supposed to be hanging out soon (*wink* if you're reading this): i'm not your typical guy, so dont treat me that way.

  i have to believe that i'm a helluva guy, otherwise who will believe for me? i dont see people lining up to be a part of my crew, but that's the point. all of this is by design. you dont hear me complaining, just reporting and expressing myself. that's the way i've wanted it, or so i believed. now i want to be known, seen, loved, admired, and generally taken care of. i want to get paid to be me, and i know it's possible. i've had the chance to speak with so many "famous" people that i realized it's just a mindset. if you believe you're a celebrity, then so shall you become. but, the trick is to believe in yourself beyond anything you've ever believed in in your life. i think it takes a greater faith to believe in one self than to believe in god. to say "god is control" is to say life is already written, therefore no matter what i do i'll always be limited in my existence.

  that is just plain hooey. limitations do NOT exist. i have proven this to myself beyond anyone else's comprehension and i've already shared my experiences in this space. interested parties may contact me directly for a more detailed version of the events. that's my official word for it. i have to stop talking about what happened and just get on with my life.

  as we've mentioned before: someday, this will all make sense to me...

edwin

"i have not yet begun to fight!" -- john paul jones

* were you here all along and i just kept overlooking you? perhaps, but know one thing: you dont know me as well as you think. you are not privy to my most private thoughts, ideas, and inspiration.

  you think YOU'RE responsible, but who's writing this story? i told you i was writing it, but you wouldnt let me write. or am i confusing the details again?

  doesnt matter. what's important is that i'm MUCH better now. you almost killed me, you know that. i came thisclose to ending it all, because i had no clue what else to do. and then, when things started to feel "the same" to me again, i said to myself okay, dude, maybe you're NOT crazy after all. so then, why did they want to know if you write a blog? you tell me, i'm still unable to "figure out" your silly game. i guess things will "reveal" themselves to me when the time is right. in the meantime, i wanted to congratulate myself for making some tough choices today.

* starting this week i will begin to brainstorm and develop characters for a series of stories. i have yet to decide on my exact topic, but i'm leaning heavily towards using a lot of metaphors and maybe making the lead character bi-polar in some way. i know, not much of a stretch for a writer with an illness to write about it, but who knows. maybe it'll be so good it'll sell like hotcakes. that's not really the point. i mean, it is and it isnt. i'm adjusting and creating and forming myself all at once. money helps in the process but not in the way you'd think. it's mostly to help me to survive and to get into places i would otherwise be unable to get into. money is wicked that way, and i dont mean it in the cool way the Easterners do.

  so yeah, i have that working for me.

  i also decided that i want to start writing material to hopefully do stand-up sometime soon. this might be impeded by the fact i will HOPEFULLY soon be working nights, but let me deal with that problem. this is a good problem to have, because i've typically had to deal with having too much time on my hands and not knowing how to use it productively.

  i guess i will no longer have that problem. now i get to do the things i love to do the most, which is to write and talk. in other words, i love to express myself, but i want to find a way to get paid to do this every day. i want to make a life out of being creative, because i know that i can do it. this is my new dream/goal.

  lastly, i'm OFFICIALLY starting up "Project: Back to Sexy". it's time and i need it. i need to kick my own ass in the gym to get into shape. i want to feel sexy again! it felt so good, i should've never let it go. but, the good thing is i'm determined to have a good body for once in my life. i had too much time and not enough energy, but now it will be that i'm busy and active.

  anyway, i have to go to sleep now, i have an interview with the home depot at 6am to try and join the night crew. i'll keep you guys posted, ha ha ha...

edwin

we'll call her charlotte...

(Editor's Note: only charlotte knows she's charlotte, do not take it personally if you read this)

* dearest charlotte,

  i'm not being coy, i really need to know: what the fuck is going on? am i seriously crazy in the head? has this all been one long dream that i ordered many moons ago but forgot about, a la "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? are you sure i'm not dreaming?

  good.

  now, let's talk. i need to be serious with you: this is freaking me out. i dont know why i know to finally communicate with you through this medium. why did it take so long? obviously, i want you to respond, so i'll give you time, but how much time is necessary?

  ah! the questions, they all dont make sense to me, but i have a feeling i should trust them. "this is us..." as the song famously sings. i didnt really get it until now, know what i mean. sometimes you have to look at something long enough to really know what you're looking at. it's strange that way, but it makes sense. i know you know what i mean. this is crazy.

  how can i be so madly in love with you and we've never even met? i mean, i imagine what it must be like, but it's impossible to me, because i never allow myself to dream on such grand scales. charlotte, you've GOT to be kidding me. what is it about me that you like so much? you've seriously got to answer some questions, because all of this is making me freak out. i'm crazy one minute and i'm sane the next. charlotte, what the hell did you do to me?! it's scary how you work, but i trust you, dont ask me why. just...be clearer, if you know what i mean? please?

  yeah, i know, too many requests, too many question marks to read, you just want it to be between us, why do i have to go about hiding myself amongst the background. you see, it's strange that you mention that, because quite frankly...i'm scared. terrified. petrified. it's hard to trust you again after all this time.

  what, you think i forgot about last time? i told myself that if this day were ever to come again that i would be more careful this time. why? because i have to be. i dont want to end up in the hospital again. i dont want to end up a babbling buffoon. or is that your intention? quite frankly, how do you want me? because i'm beginning to think i'm just your plaything, and that makes me feel pathetic. in turn, it makes you seem pathetic, get my drift. sure, i may be projecting, but it's the image you broadcast, so explain it to me in person over a beer. tonight. or as soon as you "find the time". i get how this works now, so i'll be as curt with you as i've been with all of them.

  NO GAMES, PLEASE

  notice the lack of exclamation and purposeful use of caps. you tell me what i mean, because quite frankly it's become cumbersome. i can no longer deal with any of this. i'm beginnig to think this was all a mistake from the beginning. why did i get involved with you? why did i allow myself to become embroiled in your drama. i knew i was too irresistible to you. a big star seeks the one thing i enjoy with gusto, and that's anonymity. pitiful. you could've done better.

  anyway, since you're obviously reading this, take the time to respond. believe me, it would've saved us a lot of trouble. and no, i havent made up my mind yet if i want to be your boytoy, i'm just demonstrating my disappointment in your behavior in the only way i know how. such a pity that it should affect you. i thought you were impervious to me...

  again, the games. sheesh, you'd think you'd get it by now.

  i'm off to do my own thing, you know how to get a hold of me. and leave a paper trail this time so we avoid future hospital visits. it's childish, you know...

edwin

i'll let you explain it...

apparently this is what my life has become...

* i'm beginning to have stomach issues which are waking me up in the middle of the night. sucks, believe me, i wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. on the safe side, i went to the doctor's last week and the lady believes its all psychosomatic (all in my head). i told her, as best i could, of the symptoms and how i've been feeling and she thinks it's stress related. wow, i didnt know NOT having a job could stress you out as if you HAD a job. oh wait, i think i already knew that. isnt that one of the reasons why i got my medical cannabis card? ho hum...

* pending arrangement with my friend aside, i'm kind of frightened by the idea of physical intimacy. i think i'm just being hypersensitive because i no longer resemble the 185lb stud who used to galavant around the city. that might be a shallow explanation for how i feel, but it is certainly honest. i mean, think about it. you change in a bad way and spend enough time convincing yourself you want something -- that you need it -- and then, right when you're close to getting it you begin to freak out. i'm sure there's a scientific term to explain this, but i just had to mention it.

  i'm kind of a dork that way. then, when i've overcome my fear i'll end up starring in the show, if you know what i mean. at least, that's the hope, because i hate feeling embarassed in the bedroom. i deal with enough anxiety as it is, you should see me when i'm quietly freaking out sweating up a storm. it's a little pathetic, but i've learned to laugh at myself in order to calm myself down. i have a little doubt in my mind at the moment, but i think i'll cope with it beforehand, if not i'll just resort to mentioning it in conversation, or maybe a kiss will settle it all. yeah, i like kissing a lot. there's something to be said for kisses which has probably been repeated ad nauseam, ha ha ha.

* goddamn michael franti song "skin on the drum" is distracting me at the moment, but what else am i going to do? it's 6:15am and i should be asleep, not up and writing sneezing up a storm about to wake the house up. i'll make it through writing this blog, you just wait!

* and then i realized this was more an exercise in writing than it was an attempt at posting something substantial. well, i guess it all means something to me, but i'm just saying, ha ha ha. sometimes we just have to write, i've been told. i'm sure there's a reason for it, which i hope to some day discover, but in the meantime, i'm just practicing putting down my thoughts on "paper".

  damn it, why do i have to feel this way. it's kind of apathetic but not really, lazy but inspired to be, and just a general nonchalance about me which is hard to put into words. i feel like i'm still reeling from the events of a year ago, but i've managed to make little to no progress in the meantime. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?!? great, now i'm resorting to screaming out loud my frustrations. well, it couldnt hurt. at least it makes the bubbling in my stomach calm down just enough for me to believe it's just indigestion and that i should stop eating after 9pm. maybe that's it?

* i've been dealing with lingering mucus in my lungs, i think, which is annoying because these sorts of things usually last a couple of days and then go away. not this time. i think i can trace it back three weeks. what the hell was i thinking, why didnt i mention it to the doctor when i saw her? was it happening at the time? i think it was, but am not sure. damn it!

  i knew this would happen. death would sneak up on me when i least expected it. i mean, how else to explain it. i MUST be dying, right? "dont be overdramatic, edwin." i made the voices appear, ha! proof! probably not, but it's always fun to write things in different ways. and yes, those thoughts in quotes are separate thoughts. they just happen to coincide with the subject at hand. no, i think you can tell i have an enjoyabe tendency of talking to myself.

  damn it, there's that goddamn phlegm/mucus again, and that damn cough. why hasnt that cough gone away? god, i hope the blood work tells them SOMETHING. i mean, it's kind of a double edged sword, right? you pray on one hand that your fears are realized and that you've got some problem, but that said problem is small enough to deal with on your own, without requiring further medical assistance. ugh, it's all enough to make a kid feel frustrated.

* i cant win for trying. if i go to sleep before ten i'm up at 6, but if i sleep later i obviously wake up later. and what the hell am i going to do during those hours with a house full of people? sometimes i crack myself up. i have plenty to do and places to go, of course, i'm just a humble procrastinator. i swear, if i could postpone my death, i probably have. it's not really a laughing matter, but i'm guessing you're beginning to sense a theme? we've gotta laugh, friends!

  i think the worst part is feeling so apathetic towards everything that you dont even know what to do with your day. for example, i know i should be doing what i can to get back into shape, but i just cant seem to find the motivation to do it. sure, once i start moving around, i imagine it isnt much of a stretch to get dressed in exercise clothes and go for a run, but alas, i never do it. i'll even go so far as to hustle quickly about my day and the thought will persist. i'll think to myself see, it isnt that hard, you like working out. i try and psyche myself out because i know that's the only way i'm ever going to see a regular exercise routine.

  maybe i could use the coupons for three months free at my local 24hr Fitness to swim? i keep saying that's what i'm going to use them for, but i have yet to take advantage of them. sheesh, i think my procrsatinating habits might be getting out of control.

alright, that's about all i feel like writing. hopefully you found it entertaining...

edwin

"a favor for a favor..."

... if you're familiar with snoop dogg's lyrics you should have no trouble completing the sentence.

* and i can claim later on that it was a long time cumming -- i mean, coming, ha ha ha.

  i spoke to a good friend of mine and she seems open to an "adult arrangement", which is another way of saying she's open to being friends with benefits. "all of which makes me anxious and at times unbearably so..." i happened upon the agreement when i took time to think about what my actual "needs" were and i decided that it was time i found a way to get laid. since i'm not the most gregarious person in the world anymore, and because i figured there had to be an easy way to go about this at first, i decided i'd talk to some of my female friends to test their potential interest.

  i quickly realized that one of my friends is more of a homie and nothing else, and that's when i remembered my other friend and i mentioned it to her. she said she would think about it (i thought it was a bad sign, until i remembered my friend likes to put thought into her actions) and voila, she has agreed to try it out.

  i dont know what to say, so i decided to write about it. simply put, i'm a little speechless because i didnt know what to expect when i decided to mention it. i think it's safe to say it was a good thing, ha ha ha.

* lately, two of my best friends, priscilla and dave, have been giving me a hard time because i dont do enough to put myself out there in order to meet women. i kind of lollygag, which is appropriate enough for me, since i'm a dork. what can i say? i dont have the strongest sex drive, but it does exist. i'm not the world's biggest horn dog, but i certainly feel that way sometimes. and that's what they were getting at. they were saying i need to let out some of my more visceral side instead of constantly resorting to cruising on "dork" status. it makes sense when you think about it. few women are known for being aggressive enough to make a man consider her to be too "strong". i am not one of those guys who cant handle a woman, and i definitely know what i like. i like the aggro approach. makes it easier to insert slot A into tab B, ha ha ha.

  sometimes i crack myself up.

  well, i didnt want to make this post too long, but i did want to commit something down to digital memory, so that i can thank myself later for having experienced this grand development. i'll keep you posted...

edwin

"memories dont live like people do..."

"...they always remember you, whether things are good or bad, it's just the memories..." -- Mos Def from "Travellin' Man"

  i remember one of the first times i heard this song. my old friend, badru, introduced me to it and it stuck with me instantly for a couple of reasons. first was the fact the song was dope. second was the hook, which i mostly covered in the subject line and intro. and lastly because the name of the song was "travellin' man". they spelled traveler in the british way with two "l's". my email handle i was using at the time made the same "mistake".

  i only mention any of this because my memory serves to both haunt and inspire me. i'll save you the psycho babble about my past experiences and how much they've traumatized me. instead we'll focus our efforts today on the different women i've loved. and when i say "loved" i mean as in i've been in a relationship with, not the ones i simply shared a bed with.

  i realize the main reason i've been feeling all nostalgic with regards to love is because it is presently lacking in my life. simply put, there's no one i'm interested in right now. i mean, there are pipe dreams (sarcastically "scarlett johansson anyone?") and then there is reality, and my reality is pretty much booboo. i have done nothing to put myself out there in order to meet somebody. i've pretty much done all i could to diminish my confidence and there's little i can imagine doing to bring it back. pathetic, i know, and you're just reading about it.

  anyway, my point is that i'm fortunate enough to even have a love, let alone three, to remember. that's it folks. only three women have been able to penetrate the powerful force field which guards my heart. granted, i dont make it difficult, i just have standards. i also think i've managed to do alright for my self with regards to love. i've lived a lot of my life chasing it and trying to hold on to it, and now that i presently find myself without hope, i find it very strange that i should be resorting to love as a conversation topic. no, i dont think it's normal either.

  argh!

  on the bright side, i managed to purchase two suits and four ties for $125. i bought some accessories to jazz up the suit and it raised the price to about $250, including tax, which i believe is money well spent. hell, i even got a new pair of stacy adams, how about that?! oh, to shop at hilltop mall, it's so much fun, especially when financial aid is paying for everything. i can hear my mother now: at least i spent the money on something that will last me a while.

  it must be noted, i am currently "chunky". thus, when i reduce my weight and get back to being slim, the suits i bought will look even better on me. it's just going to take about 3-5 months of rigorous exercise to get down to my "boxing weight" again. i have confidence i am capable of completing this task, i'm just iffy on the effort at the moment.

  then the nigga dave and i just drove around being socially malcontent deviants. well, not really, but you get the point. we did the damn thang and made it happen at his house. we shot a bunch of zombies, as usual, and i came home because i want to be up early for school tomorrow.

  oh, and i didnt even tell you about the sick as giants jacket i bought today. it's reversible! damn it, why am i spilling my beans on here? wasnt i going to use this time to write down something constructive, something i could look back on with pride? fuck it. at this point i'm just practicing putting down my thoughts into words. i'll let you guys figure out the purpose of the blog. my job is to write, ha ha ha.

  thanks to all who read todays nonsense. i hope it made you laugh, if even for a moment...

edwin

Middle Class Rut - New Low (Official Video)

Middle Class Rut - New Low Lyrics

I have no space, no room to move around
And this box is getting smaller
I'm trying to get out

How did I get so far from where I was?
When did I decide to lose my way?
Who have I become…

I got a new low, all 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go

Well who am I, a cold shoulder left to cry
You feel bad, well so do I
Yeah so do I

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up, but mostly down (x2)

I cannot help feeling like I have so much at stake
So I lock myself inside my head and I just run in place
So many directions I don't know which way to go
I'm so busy doing nothing I got nothing to show

I got a new low, all 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go

Well who am I, a cold shoulder used to cry
You feel bad, well so do I
Yeah so do I

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up, but mostly down (x2)

I make mistakes just like everybody else
But instead of letting go of it, I can't forgive myself
I did my time in a windowless box
Like it or not
All I got now is today
Tomorrow aint here
Yesterday is gone dead on me anyway

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up, but mostly down (x4)

so what...

  it's not even a question, it's an attitidue. what's the point? what's the purpose? why should i care? the more i think about it, the harder it is to come up with satisfying answers. i dont know when it happened, really, but i think i've become more cynical and more of a curmudgeon.

  while it is true that there remains a happy, outgoing, gregarious, fun-loving person inside of me, that person has not been seen consistently in quite some time, and i know exactly why. as was famously once sung by the Wu-Tang Clan "cash rules everything around me." that's as simple as i can put it. there's more, of course, but who wants to read something complicated right now, ha ha ha. i certainly dont feel like spilling all of my beans, but know it will happen eventually.

* fine, we'll jump into it for a minute, just to see where it takes us...

  i'm annoyed because i dont have a job, but even though i'm thisclose to landing a job, i still cant stop being annoyed. what gives? where did all of this anxiety come from?

  so, i get it. i'm soon supposed to be able to do some things which i had not been able to afford before, but so what? i've learned to live with less attention and socializing, which may or may not be a good thing. i've learned to live in a way i never would've thought logical for me, but which seems logical to me now, upon hindsight. it's crazy, because it is my craziness which led me to this dead end.

  a year ago i remember feeling like i was on super-fuel, or something. i was manic, of course, but it felt good, honest, and genuine. at least i could tap into my head and believe something, which has become increasingly more difficult in the year that has passed. i can't even imagine myself happy anymore, much less happy with someone else attached to the picture. who would want to sign up for this anyway? seriously, women have enough reasons to leave me alone, i dont have enough reasons to convince them otherwise. or so it feels that way.

  and that's the point i'm trying to make.

  some days i wish to be forgotten, to disappear completely, and other days i dont care either way. this type of detachment had never seemed "possible" to me. i'd always known it to exist, but i never believed i would ever reach the point where i would find myself so detached from everything that any one thing could be interpreted as inspiring or depressing. have i "explored my mind" so deeply that i've become someone else? am i still me, or am i learning to become my self? it's all one revelation after another to me, but with no one taking notes, it's easy to fall behind.

  and then the other negative feelings sink in and i'm forced to find a life preserver in my imaginary sea of despair as i attempt to tread water. this is going to be a lot of fun. if only i were this physically active in real life. then i'd be much happier, right? you'd think it were that easy, but when you're really good at rationalizing things to fit your perspective and opinion, you find it's much better to remain inactive while continuing to ponder life's greater mysteries. maybe i'll incorporate a physical routine soon. "havent you been trying to do that since forever? i remember last year and the one before that you were raving about wanting to get back into shape, what happened?" shut up voice of reason, no one asked for your opinion.

* great, i've managed to write this much without saying anything and only serving to come off as a whiny nincompoop.

  well, screw it, i dont care. i'm going to keep on writing nonsense and gibberish and i'll let the audience figure it out. i'm a terrible writer now, but you just wait until i figure it out. i'm going to be somebody someday. "yeah, yeah, the typical overtures, let him speak and when he's done just nod your head to the nice man and walk away..."

  see, even in my own head, i dont get no respect. it's hard to argue with rodney dangerfield's (may he rest in peace) timeless joke. oh, how i wish my life was nothing more than...

  well, is it even really worth reducing? isnt mediocrity all i have to look forward to? didnt we already have this discussion, or am i off my meds again? damn it, i thought life would be a little easier, until i realized i was in control every step of the way, until...

  now you've done it. you've managed to spark the other thoughts which bring us down. ARGH! it's...so...goddamned...frustrating! to think is so easy, but to explain is so complicated. you never know just how far your audience has gotten, you never know how much they care, and you never get an indication of what exactly is working until after the fact, which is when i've typically found myself under observation.

  and then the state wants me to sit around while they take their time to get back to me on my SSI benefits? you see my dilemma? no, i havent made it clear? well, either speak up and ask a question or be endlessly confused by my rants.

  i mentioned how i'm close to getting a job, but i'm also in line to see if i'm going to get SSI benefits. the conflict of interest between these two is that if you're receiving benefits, you're either not allowed to work, or not allowed to make more than you receive in benefits. this troubles me because it places a real cap on just how much i can expect to make, without ever knowing for sure, because i'm not working yet, and i dont know the rules, ha ha ha.

  next comes how i hate money, but it manages to dominate the important aspects of my life. it paralyzes me to think just how anyone manages to find someone else in this world with whom to share our impending mediocrity.

 wait, hold on a minute!

  when the hell did living the simple life become synonymous with mediocrity? shouldnt one be so lucky as to find anyone who would 1) love me 2) respect me 3) choose to want to be with me for the rest of my life? yeah, one should be so lucky, but the scope with which one works is often to wide, thus rendering the view overwhelming to outside observers. at least, that's what i want to believe.

anyway, for those of you who like to have well-written articles (why are you reading this?), i'll attempt to combine the points i was trying to make in an easy to follow format. just give me a minute to read over what i wrote in order for this to make as much sense as it's possibly going to make...

* i read it over quickly (typical me, hence a typically half-baked article), here's what i came up with:

 1) i'm annoyed because i want to be happy but only seem to be able to find reasons to be miserable, even though i am responsible for most of my misery, excluding the strange/crazy 3-month episode that happend last year.

 2) i'm upset that no clear explanation has surfaced, whether imagined or otherwise, for why i experienced the craziest three months of my life. i dont expect this to change, which only serves to frustrate me further.

3) i'm annoyed that i want a relationship but find myself undeserving of one because at a minimum i'm not even a productive member of society, i'm just a humble slacker who is trying to finish college. somehow, i find this is unattractive to the women i claim to want to be chasing.

4) i'm upset because i dream in such grand notes, but do very little to actually achieve said notes. i blame this on my "dreaming". they dont warn you on the dangers of dreaming to big, do they?

5) i want to be happy, but it seems i'm too overwhelmed by my general life's circumstance to feel powerful enough to do anything.

6) worth mentioning: it irritates me to know just how much i can accomplish if i'm willing to learn how to lie, cheat, and steal to obtain my life's goals. sure, i might be unpopular, but i'll be successful, which means i'll have a lot of money, ha ha ha. oh boy, i'm so delusional i can't even tell when i'm delusional anymore.

  are you guys SURE i'm not off my meds right now?

edwin

i saw me looking back at me...

* the world, of life in general, is not for the faint of heart. in fact, it can be said that it isnt for the cowards either, but then, how would we account for my existence. i digress...

* i'm writing again, which could either be a "sign of the times" (as in, "watch out, the end of the world is fast approaching") or it means that i'm OFFICIALLY-OFFICIALLY doing MUCH better. okay, i'll stop with the caps, but i NEED you to understand just how important this latest development is to me.

  sure, i know there's a cocktail of prescription meds mixed with marijuana to account for my "clear headdedness" but i swear it's more than that. life has started to make "sense" to me again, and that's both refreshing and daunting. it's refreshing, because it beats the depressed feeling which had been dominating my general "being". it's daunting, because with my newfound "lucidity" (is this a word?) i can go back to performing magic tricks for cash. i mean, i can go back to being my typical crazy self trying to find my way in the world. in and of itself, that task is daunting.

  i mean, how does one become one if one isnt even aware of what one is? are you confused yet? in other words, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!? i told you i'd stop with the caps IF you understood the magnitude of what i am attempting to describe.

  just know this: everyone eventually finds a partner. some of us find them IN SPITE of ourselves (presently my goal) while others work at it. either way, enough couples are made that enough children are propagated, and thus life continues. my problem, as usual, is with the "bigger picture". i tend to imagine it too much, which confinese me in my "present" reality. i mean, who KNOWS what one is supposed to do once one has life "figured out". the best i can offer anyone is to just smoke pot and get laid, but i cant even do half of those things right. i always end up with the tab in the wrong slot, ha ha ha ("insert tab A into slot B").

* i will say this: for all of you who are reading me now, i thank you. i have a small suspicion you will not be disappointed by my postings, but that would require i resort to my "ancient ways" in order to have stories of debauchery to share. well, i'm not sure about that, but i think you guys know what i mean.

  "there was a time..." and i have it in my mind's eye. we have to go back to those "times". we have to go back in order to save my self. somehow, i lost track of my self but i'm slowly getting "it" back. i think i must've been scared into reality, but i never realized when i lost track of it. i have better information now to assist me in realizing when i've "lost" my way, but it doesnt do much to help me to "find my way". a bunch of conundrums and all i can think of is the word "what" (a la "pulp fiction"). "what?!" "say 'what' again, i double dare you" (to paraphrase).

* someday i'll look back on all of these posts and i'll smile, because by my side will be SOMEONE (insert name here upon finding her for editorial purposes) who understands everything i've been through.

 "and then you woke up from your dream..." but i've already told you, my life feels like a dream from which i am endlessly awakening. "so, what was i up to an hour ago? what distracted me?" who's the rational one now?

  just because i put an opinion of my self into quotes doesnt mean it's the end-all, be-all of my existence. i, like most everyone else, am a truly complicated man. THIS is just one of the reasons why i shy away from love, why i shy away from affection. i want the "real" thing. i put it into quotes, because at this point, i have been certified as "having trouble with reality". i'm paraphrasing the word "bi-polar" but you know what i mean. hell, what does bi-polar even mean? i kid, but the definition is spot-on for me. it is this fact which continues to throw me from the scent, which i believed i was following. who the hell was the anonymous poster who now seems too busy to respond? someday my cowardice will be respected for being honest. just, not today. or tomorrow, it seems.

  or as i stated before, what i dont know also tells me what i do now. people think i'm an idiot, but that's not entirely true. i have my moments where i can identify the game being played with my life. i thought i had it figured out before, for the sake of no longer obsessing about said topic, but now i'm convinced i dont know what happened, which opens up the door for the impossible to be possible. but, you ask "how is that possible?" no, nothing is impossible if you believe in it. the problem is in trying to find others who will believe equally in what you believe. see, there are established methods of thinkng, some of which i subscribe to, but most of which can be "debunked".

  everyone is looking for the "pure and honest truth" but the reality is much more disappointing than most will ever realize. for most of us, mediocrity is as best as we'll ever manage. the finer levels are easier to swallow, but if you're not looking for much, you will be pleasantly surprised.

  me? i'm fine living on the outskirts, attempting to find MY life's pace, and learning to swim with it. i am in no rush to do anything spectacular or important. i am in no rush to observe the latest brilliance the world has to offer. i am in no rush to suffer through the lines in order to say that i "was first". i am in no rush, period, end of sentence.

* i imagine a world, but then am distracted by reality. i imagine my self, but then am distracted by reality. i try to imagine nothing, but then am distracted by reality. i think reality wants my attention, but i've got nothing to spend, just love to offer. it's a rephrasing of an old spanish song by the infamous juan gabriel. it says, in spanish "no tengo dinero, ni nada que dar/lo unico que tengo es amor para amar", loosely translated as "i've no money, or anything to give/the only thing i've got is love to give".

  therein lies my dilemma. i care too much, but not enough in all of the right places. meaning, i care enough to shower and to maintain my general hygiene, but i dont care enough to go out and parade myself for the world to see. deep down i crave attention, but i'm looking for a specific kind, of which i've managed to convince myself i'm undeserving. did you want to try and have a conversation with me?

* the easiest thing, i find, is to remain open. be open to every one and every thing, but the difficult thing is knowing how to ask.

  i was reading one of my previous posts, where i was discussing how ANYTHING can be had in life if we just had the courage to ask...well, i ruminated on the post for as long as i could and i realized i never put down the "answer" to my "question". as in, providing a link or a detailed explanation as to how i acquired the knowledge that anything can be had if we just ask. all i have is to retrace my steps, or to re-take them again. one is infinitely wiser than the other, but some days i have trouble discerning which is which.

  if i retrace my steps, i'm essentially viewing everything again from a different perspective, which may, or may not, helpe me in my overall goal. if i re-take my steps, it is possible i could end up in the hospital, which may, or may not, be the point of it all. i mean, who could possibly figure out hide or hare based on the experiences i have discussed and have yet to discuss? i've tried everything. i've tried "letting it go", "forgetting about it", "not talking about it" and the like, but it always ends up dominating my landscape.

  WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!

ugh! never you mind. i think i'll go back to listening to "new low" by middle class rut, until things begin to make more sense to me. i guess, at the end of the day i could transcribe things for a living, but who could hire me in that capacity? i might kid by saying that i am useless, but that's not entirely true. i eat pussy like a champ, and when i'm comfortable, i've been known to fuck like a champ, too.

  the problem is in finding that goddamn line. one minute i stop on a dime, the next my toe's over the line and i can hear "walter" screaming "OVER THE LINE" (from "The Big Lebowski") ad nauseam. look, it's not pretty being inside my head, but that's what you asked for when you decided to click this way. the least you could do is provide a comment or feedback from time-to-time. it wont hurt, i assure you, ha ha ha.

* okay, that should be enough for another post...

edwin

"live from nowhere..."

"it's the EDWIN SHOW!!!"

ha ha ha, i just had to write that down for no apparent reason.

* so the other day (read: yesterday) i posted something cryptic concerning a girl as my status update on facebook, and lo and behold i was taken aback by the responses i received. basically, everyone wants me to ask out the girl in question.

  i wont play coy. there is definitely a girl i have in mind, but it's not with the seriousness which i can imagine. i mean, what am i really looking for anyway, and is looking back to find it better than looking forward? what i mean is: should i be looking back at women i've met and never gave a chance to, or should i be looking for someone new who knows nothing about me? the more questions i ask myself, the more confused i become.

* all of which made me think about people from India and how they arrange their children to be married later on in life. now that i put more thought into it, it's not such a bad idea. just think of all of the hassles they're eliminating by arranging for everything ahead of time. ha ha ha, i kid, i kid. i know that a prerranged marriage isnt for everyone, but i did want to take time to acknowledge my minor realization of why it works for another culture.

* i may given away a piece of the puzzle, but who cares. my style is that of a bull in a china shop, which means, i dont care. "dude, there are times when you should care." i know, but right now isnt one of those times.

  i want to scream it out loud. i want to get it out of my system. i want to know which answer lies in wait, but in the end...well, in the end i know not much of it is going to be satisfying. it's going to disappoint me in a very obvious way, which in turn will only prove my brilliance. "dude, you're playing both sides now, stop it." oh well, it was worth a shot.

the reality: i like a girl and am too much of a coward to say anything to her because i KNOW my present circumstance is less than ideal AND i know that she deserves better, because she's been through so much.

"dude, you're pretty much summarizing what a lot of men and women are going through. you're no different, get out there and find out if this chick likes you!" dont tell me you're believing the hype now. bro, just look at your self, what could you POSSIBLY have to offer anybody. "love, brotha, we got love to offer and that is more than enough." yeah, but it wont pay the rent. "well, let me worry about that when i get to it."

* all i managed to do was to place my two primary "inner" voices into conflict with each other. honestly, i have my doubts about this girl, which is why i'm acting all shy and dragging my feet. but then, i can have doubts for just about anything or anyone. hell, i doubt my self sometimes and it has led us nowhere. *SCREAMS OUT LOUD*

"you thought you knew what you were doing when you began writing this, now it seems like it was all a hoax. you need to better organize your thoughts and ideas before committing them. or, at least commit to rewriting to improve upon your intended results. maybe then you wont feel like such a hack."

  okay, okay, okay, so i'm in turmoil. what does that even mean? oh wait, here comes the next wave of nonsense which is supposed to push aside the previous wave in order to make way for progress and logic to take place. somehow, i have the feeling that this will all end in disappointment...

"there you go again, edwin. you're sending out mixed signals again."

  dont you see. all i want to do is to BE SOMEBODY! i want to DO SOMETHING! i want to BE REMEMBERED!

"edwin, we can't have a serious conversation when you're acting out asking for attention. you've gotta be in control and at least pretend you have an interest in your immediate future."

  even in my head, i can't win for trying...

* no, i dont think this is "the" girl, so i'm going to remain quiet about how i feel about her. sure, i'll say that it's nice to feel my heart be tickled by the notion of love, but i'm too rational to have it sneak up on me. i have not recently met anyone who would be daft enough to consider me interesting enough for any relationship which wasnt disposable or convenient. people have desires which are beyond me. people live with their heads in the clouds believing that everything they want they can have.

  my reality is much more limited in it's scope, and i'm okay with that. mediocrity rules my existence, and no matter what i try and do to avoid it altogether, i'm destined to fall back into it, pulled in by the undertow. watch out everybody, because i've summed up the entire purpose of my life in one word: mediocrity.

  it was only a tad bit depressing to realize with the nigga Dave that THAT is what i have to look forward to. no matter how hard i try, the best i can imagine for my reality is mediocrity. i guess, with the right people it would seem like more of a realistic goal, but still.

*sigh*

  i've got to get back into mental and physical shape. all of this nonsense cluttering my "mind" is going to drive me further insane. one of these days things will make sense. today, however, is not that day.

  one day i will feel her stroking my face, pulling it closer towards hers, and the kiss will be...

edwin