* we could start with the obvious (i was locked up in the mental hospital again for 8 days) or we could start with what is most recent (watched my boy, MadBum, handle the indians today), but let's just go ahead and start...
* i'll just say that it isnt easy being me, but from taking a peek at me, you'd never guess that. i make it look "easy" on purpose, i understand we're all going "through" it and no one wants to look "weak". but, there ARE tell-tale signs, none of which i will share, i'll just admit that keen-eyed observers would be right about me in ways i'd be initially shy to share. none of it changes the FACT that i'm certifiably crazy.
it's not a title everyone aims to have placed on them someday, but it was one of many that i aspired to. sure, you could call me "ahead" of my time, but you must admit that i'm unlike many you have met before. i'm wild, i'm strong, and if you give me the chance, i'm pretty damn funny. my only problem is that i prefer to live my life with the bullshit turned "off" and not many traditional folk seem to enjoy it. suits me fine, however, and they are things about me that those who know me best would never change.
i'm not rude on purpose, just by habit. i dont offend for mere shock value, i hold stock in my own words and i'm capable of throwing down with the best of them, if only because it keeps me "young". people have to know when they're entering strange territory, and i, for one, have no qualms with sharing my honest opinion. that isnt to say that i'm "right" about whatever it is i'm presently rambling about, i'm just aiming to prove to you that i've put more THOUGHT into my words than you considered before uttering yours. no matter, in the end i'm only competing with my self.
* there i go again getting lost in translation. i aim to transcribe what i feel are my free-flowing thoughts and i end up caught in the middle between "conscious" and "writing", two active channels which have yet to learn to co-exist. "one of these days", i keep telling my self, but the ellipse never finishes, it's ongoing. it isnt easy when you're living with a mental illness, or what some would call a "damaged" brain, but you do the best you can.
i'm fortunate because i actively embrace the difference between me and other "sane" people. i value my difference and the "benefits" it holds. for starters, i'm NEVER bored. EVER. not even for a second. i literally do NOT know what that word even means. people laugh when they hear me say this, which is only proof they have NO IDEA what i'm referring to.
* do you honestly think i've forgotten about "the game"? *sinister laugh* my friends, this ends when I say it ends, regardless of what happens. all i WILL say is that it is only going to end badly. many will be hurt before this is through, and i will have my vindication before it is all said and done, but it WILL end badly, that's all i know for certain.
*deep sigh*
and then i am reminded of just how lonely my existence really is. come, i welcome thee into the darkness which is my "mind". i welcome you into the shadow world of truth and the impossible, all one must do is give up one's sense of "control" and accept the fact that it has all been "written". i'm writing my part right now, and i GUARANTEE you it would be deserving of an academy award nomination on mars. they "get" me there and love my humor. maybe, if you gave me a chance...
* i've never much desired to be wanted. all i'm looking for is a sense of comfort. you know, something i can grow old with, a routine if you will. being eccentric is NOT easy. people think that what you naturally are going through is a "process". attention: NOTHING i go through can be properly described. you either have and enjoy "backstage passes" to reality or you live in a comfortable bubble which prevents you from seeing "clearly". surely, there was a time when you could imagine such impossible possibilities. i am not the last of my kind, just the one choosing to purposely suffer through it in order to find a greater sense of "purpose".
i'm putting those words in quotations ("") in order to test the value you place on them. i chose them to see if you cared what i wrote or if you're aimlessly reading anything i write. the exercise is trivial and strictly for my own personal enjoyment, which i guess is the honest truth. i'm not laughing about it now, and i most certainly will NOT be laughing about it later. i'll probably be playing the role of "sloth" wonderfully in my day's "shoot".
oh, you didnt know i had my own shitty reality TV show? yeah, we're filming daily and trying to come up with a concrete story to sell, but we're presently out of ideas. come back later, once we've "medicated" and feel free to join the open forum discussion between my self and the various "characters" i have hidden inside me. or dont, it really doesnt matter to me. i'm crazy and will enjoy whatever happens to me, no matter what, ha ha ha.
* maybe i'm part of the "lucky" ones. maybe i get to enjoy life unfiltered because i've demonstrated the capacity to go where no man has gone before. there's got to be a REASON why i was chosen for this experiment. i didnt purposely choose this ending. is this the part where i get married and start a family, because i thought i was supposed to reach that conclusion a long time ago? have i been purposely getting this whole thing wrong? when do the editors step in and rectify the situation? oh boy, i can already tell where this is going.
it would be much easier to accept my fate as a no-name nobody, the equivalent of a failure, but it's just too much fun pushing up against life and telling it "i have not yet begun to fight!" it is too much fun picking a fight with the neighborhood bully in a neighborhood i have no business being a part of in a part of town which has seen better days. i love being the unknown underdog. the mysterious antihero, once you get to know me. in short, i am what i am. in my mind i am just a boy who never stopped dreaming.
it wasnt always so complicated, but in order to find the rhythm behind the music you have to go very far back to a time when i knew less an craved more. a time when love sprung eternal and i felt a victim to it as opposed to anything else. how come love seems to follow me? and as the circumstances faded into more ordinary so did my lovers become more ordinary. in truth, they were ALL extraordinary in their own right. i could never give any of them their proper due without somehow compromising my personal code. they ALL meant something, even the temporary ones. they knew what they were getting into, nobody forced them.
this wall of solitude i've erected is my personal exile; my personal hell. i have isolated my self in order to find the root of the problem. i was right all along, which only disappoints me. does ANYONE understand how it feels to be let down by the one you considered to be your "one true love"? is this what some go through before deciding to commit to a loveless marriage "for the children"?
* you REALLY want to know? i'm crazy about her. the kicker is that i'm crazy about the other bitch, too, and i've convinced my self that i'd be the happiest man on earth if i could have them both.
the reality is that NEITHER will give me the time of day. i've managed to realize my dream of becoming a lifelong hopeless romantic. there's an entire wing of romantic comedies which is dedicated entirely to the "friend who will never be more than a friend." all jokes aside, i kind of like it here. it's my own personal purgatory in the form of a "hell". at this point, it's the only type of "love" i find honest enough to put my self through. women play too many games to get attached to them for very long, and the ones who are most desired marry into prearranged marriages. it's kind of sad and pathetic, until you remember that this is how things have been done for hundreds of years.
no one EVER really had a choice. we were ALL brainwashed to believe that a nice person from the other side of the tracks would make life easier for us somehow, someway. a pipe dream nonetheless, but a dream in the vaguest of definitions. WHO CARES once the children are born? nobody will tell them the truth until they're too old to care simply about the truth and will instead be preoccupied with how it makes them look bad. oy vey, the drama of life is never completely written. even beyond our deaths, the gossip continues. may they ALWAYS speak of me, regardless of the tone.
* the truth is that if i could have either one of them, i know i could have the other. but, i've set my bar at the highest it could ever possibly be set.
scarlett johansson? are you kidding me? *laughs at self* folks, i didnt make "the game" up, i just stumbled into it somehow. and dont ask me to explain the "score". someone is "winning" but it certainly is NOT me. i am beginning to think my role is simply that of a medieval court jester: pure nonsensical entertainment, which suits me just fine.
some day i'll have the money to start growing my crops and that will be a day sooner to my overall happiness. WHY is this so hard to understand? i just want to grow medicine, that's it. we can use it to barter and enter the financial system, but if we never did, we'd be wiser for it. how come i'm having such a hard time finding a way into this world? i can already see my future self laughing at this sometime in the future. it's funny to me now, but not as funny as it will be to me then. it's great to be able to make comedy in the past, present, AND future. i'm talented that way.
* recap: crazy man seeks love who will enable him to realize untapped potential into the present to manifest wildest dreams. you figure out what that means and explain it to me. just DONT dial 911, unless it is an emergency. i mean this, ha ha ha...
edwin
* i'll just say that it isnt easy being me, but from taking a peek at me, you'd never guess that. i make it look "easy" on purpose, i understand we're all going "through" it and no one wants to look "weak". but, there ARE tell-tale signs, none of which i will share, i'll just admit that keen-eyed observers would be right about me in ways i'd be initially shy to share. none of it changes the FACT that i'm certifiably crazy.
it's not a title everyone aims to have placed on them someday, but it was one of many that i aspired to. sure, you could call me "ahead" of my time, but you must admit that i'm unlike many you have met before. i'm wild, i'm strong, and if you give me the chance, i'm pretty damn funny. my only problem is that i prefer to live my life with the bullshit turned "off" and not many traditional folk seem to enjoy it. suits me fine, however, and they are things about me that those who know me best would never change.
i'm not rude on purpose, just by habit. i dont offend for mere shock value, i hold stock in my own words and i'm capable of throwing down with the best of them, if only because it keeps me "young". people have to know when they're entering strange territory, and i, for one, have no qualms with sharing my honest opinion. that isnt to say that i'm "right" about whatever it is i'm presently rambling about, i'm just aiming to prove to you that i've put more THOUGHT into my words than you considered before uttering yours. no matter, in the end i'm only competing with my self.
* there i go again getting lost in translation. i aim to transcribe what i feel are my free-flowing thoughts and i end up caught in the middle between "conscious" and "writing", two active channels which have yet to learn to co-exist. "one of these days", i keep telling my self, but the ellipse never finishes, it's ongoing. it isnt easy when you're living with a mental illness, or what some would call a "damaged" brain, but you do the best you can.
i'm fortunate because i actively embrace the difference between me and other "sane" people. i value my difference and the "benefits" it holds. for starters, i'm NEVER bored. EVER. not even for a second. i literally do NOT know what that word even means. people laugh when they hear me say this, which is only proof they have NO IDEA what i'm referring to.
* do you honestly think i've forgotten about "the game"? *sinister laugh* my friends, this ends when I say it ends, regardless of what happens. all i WILL say is that it is only going to end badly. many will be hurt before this is through, and i will have my vindication before it is all said and done, but it WILL end badly, that's all i know for certain.
*deep sigh*
and then i am reminded of just how lonely my existence really is. come, i welcome thee into the darkness which is my "mind". i welcome you into the shadow world of truth and the impossible, all one must do is give up one's sense of "control" and accept the fact that it has all been "written". i'm writing my part right now, and i GUARANTEE you it would be deserving of an academy award nomination on mars. they "get" me there and love my humor. maybe, if you gave me a chance...
* i've never much desired to be wanted. all i'm looking for is a sense of comfort. you know, something i can grow old with, a routine if you will. being eccentric is NOT easy. people think that what you naturally are going through is a "process". attention: NOTHING i go through can be properly described. you either have and enjoy "backstage passes" to reality or you live in a comfortable bubble which prevents you from seeing "clearly". surely, there was a time when you could imagine such impossible possibilities. i am not the last of my kind, just the one choosing to purposely suffer through it in order to find a greater sense of "purpose".
i'm putting those words in quotations ("") in order to test the value you place on them. i chose them to see if you cared what i wrote or if you're aimlessly reading anything i write. the exercise is trivial and strictly for my own personal enjoyment, which i guess is the honest truth. i'm not laughing about it now, and i most certainly will NOT be laughing about it later. i'll probably be playing the role of "sloth" wonderfully in my day's "shoot".
oh, you didnt know i had my own shitty reality TV show? yeah, we're filming daily and trying to come up with a concrete story to sell, but we're presently out of ideas. come back later, once we've "medicated" and feel free to join the open forum discussion between my self and the various "characters" i have hidden inside me. or dont, it really doesnt matter to me. i'm crazy and will enjoy whatever happens to me, no matter what, ha ha ha.
* maybe i'm part of the "lucky" ones. maybe i get to enjoy life unfiltered because i've demonstrated the capacity to go where no man has gone before. there's got to be a REASON why i was chosen for this experiment. i didnt purposely choose this ending. is this the part where i get married and start a family, because i thought i was supposed to reach that conclusion a long time ago? have i been purposely getting this whole thing wrong? when do the editors step in and rectify the situation? oh boy, i can already tell where this is going.
it would be much easier to accept my fate as a no-name nobody, the equivalent of a failure, but it's just too much fun pushing up against life and telling it "i have not yet begun to fight!" it is too much fun picking a fight with the neighborhood bully in a neighborhood i have no business being a part of in a part of town which has seen better days. i love being the unknown underdog. the mysterious antihero, once you get to know me. in short, i am what i am. in my mind i am just a boy who never stopped dreaming.
it wasnt always so complicated, but in order to find the rhythm behind the music you have to go very far back to a time when i knew less an craved more. a time when love sprung eternal and i felt a victim to it as opposed to anything else. how come love seems to follow me? and as the circumstances faded into more ordinary so did my lovers become more ordinary. in truth, they were ALL extraordinary in their own right. i could never give any of them their proper due without somehow compromising my personal code. they ALL meant something, even the temporary ones. they knew what they were getting into, nobody forced them.
this wall of solitude i've erected is my personal exile; my personal hell. i have isolated my self in order to find the root of the problem. i was right all along, which only disappoints me. does ANYONE understand how it feels to be let down by the one you considered to be your "one true love"? is this what some go through before deciding to commit to a loveless marriage "for the children"?
* you REALLY want to know? i'm crazy about her. the kicker is that i'm crazy about the other bitch, too, and i've convinced my self that i'd be the happiest man on earth if i could have them both.
the reality is that NEITHER will give me the time of day. i've managed to realize my dream of becoming a lifelong hopeless romantic. there's an entire wing of romantic comedies which is dedicated entirely to the "friend who will never be more than a friend." all jokes aside, i kind of like it here. it's my own personal purgatory in the form of a "hell". at this point, it's the only type of "love" i find honest enough to put my self through. women play too many games to get attached to them for very long, and the ones who are most desired marry into prearranged marriages. it's kind of sad and pathetic, until you remember that this is how things have been done for hundreds of years.
no one EVER really had a choice. we were ALL brainwashed to believe that a nice person from the other side of the tracks would make life easier for us somehow, someway. a pipe dream nonetheless, but a dream in the vaguest of definitions. WHO CARES once the children are born? nobody will tell them the truth until they're too old to care simply about the truth and will instead be preoccupied with how it makes them look bad. oy vey, the drama of life is never completely written. even beyond our deaths, the gossip continues. may they ALWAYS speak of me, regardless of the tone.
* the truth is that if i could have either one of them, i know i could have the other. but, i've set my bar at the highest it could ever possibly be set.
scarlett johansson? are you kidding me? *laughs at self* folks, i didnt make "the game" up, i just stumbled into it somehow. and dont ask me to explain the "score". someone is "winning" but it certainly is NOT me. i am beginning to think my role is simply that of a medieval court jester: pure nonsensical entertainment, which suits me just fine.
some day i'll have the money to start growing my crops and that will be a day sooner to my overall happiness. WHY is this so hard to understand? i just want to grow medicine, that's it. we can use it to barter and enter the financial system, but if we never did, we'd be wiser for it. how come i'm having such a hard time finding a way into this world? i can already see my future self laughing at this sometime in the future. it's funny to me now, but not as funny as it will be to me then. it's great to be able to make comedy in the past, present, AND future. i'm talented that way.
* recap: crazy man seeks love who will enable him to realize untapped potential into the present to manifest wildest dreams. you figure out what that means and explain it to me. just DONT dial 911, unless it is an emergency. i mean this, ha ha ha...
edwin
