"it's the EDWIN SHOW!!!"
ha ha ha, i just had to write that down for no apparent reason.
* so the other day (read: yesterday) i posted something cryptic concerning a girl as my status update on facebook, and lo and behold i was taken aback by the responses i received. basically, everyone wants me to ask out the girl in question.
i wont play coy. there is definitely a girl i have in mind, but it's not with the seriousness which i can imagine. i mean, what am i really looking for anyway, and is looking back to find it better than looking forward? what i mean is: should i be looking back at women i've met and never gave a chance to, or should i be looking for someone new who knows nothing about me? the more questions i ask myself, the more confused i become.
* all of which made me think about people from India and how they arrange their children to be married later on in life. now that i put more thought into it, it's not such a bad idea. just think of all of the hassles they're eliminating by arranging for everything ahead of time. ha ha ha, i kid, i kid. i know that a prerranged marriage isnt for everyone, but i did want to take time to acknowledge my minor realization of why it works for another culture.
* i may given away a piece of the puzzle, but who cares. my style is that of a bull in a china shop, which means, i dont care. "dude, there are times when you should care." i know, but right now isnt one of those times.
i want to scream it out loud. i want to get it out of my system. i want to know which answer lies in wait, but in the end...well, in the end i know not much of it is going to be satisfying. it's going to disappoint me in a very obvious way, which in turn will only prove my brilliance. "dude, you're playing both sides now, stop it." oh well, it was worth a shot.
the reality: i like a girl and am too much of a coward to say anything to her because i KNOW my present circumstance is less than ideal AND i know that she deserves better, because she's been through so much.
"dude, you're pretty much summarizing what a lot of men and women are going through. you're no different, get out there and find out if this chick likes you!" dont tell me you're believing the hype now. bro, just look at your self, what could you POSSIBLY have to offer anybody. "love, brotha, we got love to offer and that is more than enough." yeah, but it wont pay the rent. "well, let me worry about that when i get to it."
* all i managed to do was to place my two primary "inner" voices into conflict with each other. honestly, i have my doubts about this girl, which is why i'm acting all shy and dragging my feet. but then, i can have doubts for just about anything or anyone. hell, i doubt my self sometimes and it has led us nowhere. *SCREAMS OUT LOUD*
"you thought you knew what you were doing when you began writing this, now it seems like it was all a hoax. you need to better organize your thoughts and ideas before committing them. or, at least commit to rewriting to improve upon your intended results. maybe then you wont feel like such a hack."
okay, okay, okay, so i'm in turmoil. what does that even mean? oh wait, here comes the next wave of nonsense which is supposed to push aside the previous wave in order to make way for progress and logic to take place. somehow, i have the feeling that this will all end in disappointment...
"there you go again, edwin. you're sending out mixed signals again."
dont you see. all i want to do is to BE SOMEBODY! i want to DO SOMETHING! i want to BE REMEMBERED!
"edwin, we can't have a serious conversation when you're acting out asking for attention. you've gotta be in control and at least pretend you have an interest in your immediate future."
even in my head, i can't win for trying...
* no, i dont think this is "the" girl, so i'm going to remain quiet about how i feel about her. sure, i'll say that it's nice to feel my heart be tickled by the notion of love, but i'm too rational to have it sneak up on me. i have not recently met anyone who would be daft enough to consider me interesting enough for any relationship which wasnt disposable or convenient. people have desires which are beyond me. people live with their heads in the clouds believing that everything they want they can have.
my reality is much more limited in it's scope, and i'm okay with that. mediocrity rules my existence, and no matter what i try and do to avoid it altogether, i'm destined to fall back into it, pulled in by the undertow. watch out everybody, because i've summed up the entire purpose of my life in one word: mediocrity.
it was only a tad bit depressing to realize with the nigga Dave that THAT is what i have to look forward to. no matter how hard i try, the best i can imagine for my reality is mediocrity. i guess, with the right people it would seem like more of a realistic goal, but still.
*sigh*
i've got to get back into mental and physical shape. all of this nonsense cluttering my "mind" is going to drive me further insane. one of these days things will make sense. today, however, is not that day.
one day i will feel her stroking my face, pulling it closer towards hers, and the kiss will be...
edwin
ha ha ha, i just had to write that down for no apparent reason.
* so the other day (read: yesterday) i posted something cryptic concerning a girl as my status update on facebook, and lo and behold i was taken aback by the responses i received. basically, everyone wants me to ask out the girl in question.
i wont play coy. there is definitely a girl i have in mind, but it's not with the seriousness which i can imagine. i mean, what am i really looking for anyway, and is looking back to find it better than looking forward? what i mean is: should i be looking back at women i've met and never gave a chance to, or should i be looking for someone new who knows nothing about me? the more questions i ask myself, the more confused i become.
* all of which made me think about people from India and how they arrange their children to be married later on in life. now that i put more thought into it, it's not such a bad idea. just think of all of the hassles they're eliminating by arranging for everything ahead of time. ha ha ha, i kid, i kid. i know that a prerranged marriage isnt for everyone, but i did want to take time to acknowledge my minor realization of why it works for another culture.
* i may given away a piece of the puzzle, but who cares. my style is that of a bull in a china shop, which means, i dont care. "dude, there are times when you should care." i know, but right now isnt one of those times.
i want to scream it out loud. i want to get it out of my system. i want to know which answer lies in wait, but in the end...well, in the end i know not much of it is going to be satisfying. it's going to disappoint me in a very obvious way, which in turn will only prove my brilliance. "dude, you're playing both sides now, stop it." oh well, it was worth a shot.
the reality: i like a girl and am too much of a coward to say anything to her because i KNOW my present circumstance is less than ideal AND i know that she deserves better, because she's been through so much.
"dude, you're pretty much summarizing what a lot of men and women are going through. you're no different, get out there and find out if this chick likes you!" dont tell me you're believing the hype now. bro, just look at your self, what could you POSSIBLY have to offer anybody. "love, brotha, we got love to offer and that is more than enough." yeah, but it wont pay the rent. "well, let me worry about that when i get to it."
* all i managed to do was to place my two primary "inner" voices into conflict with each other. honestly, i have my doubts about this girl, which is why i'm acting all shy and dragging my feet. but then, i can have doubts for just about anything or anyone. hell, i doubt my self sometimes and it has led us nowhere. *SCREAMS OUT LOUD*
"you thought you knew what you were doing when you began writing this, now it seems like it was all a hoax. you need to better organize your thoughts and ideas before committing them. or, at least commit to rewriting to improve upon your intended results. maybe then you wont feel like such a hack."
okay, okay, okay, so i'm in turmoil. what does that even mean? oh wait, here comes the next wave of nonsense which is supposed to push aside the previous wave in order to make way for progress and logic to take place. somehow, i have the feeling that this will all end in disappointment...
"there you go again, edwin. you're sending out mixed signals again."
dont you see. all i want to do is to BE SOMEBODY! i want to DO SOMETHING! i want to BE REMEMBERED!
"edwin, we can't have a serious conversation when you're acting out asking for attention. you've gotta be in control and at least pretend you have an interest in your immediate future."
even in my head, i can't win for trying...
* no, i dont think this is "the" girl, so i'm going to remain quiet about how i feel about her. sure, i'll say that it's nice to feel my heart be tickled by the notion of love, but i'm too rational to have it sneak up on me. i have not recently met anyone who would be daft enough to consider me interesting enough for any relationship which wasnt disposable or convenient. people have desires which are beyond me. people live with their heads in the clouds believing that everything they want they can have.
my reality is much more limited in it's scope, and i'm okay with that. mediocrity rules my existence, and no matter what i try and do to avoid it altogether, i'm destined to fall back into it, pulled in by the undertow. watch out everybody, because i've summed up the entire purpose of my life in one word: mediocrity.
it was only a tad bit depressing to realize with the nigga Dave that THAT is what i have to look forward to. no matter how hard i try, the best i can imagine for my reality is mediocrity. i guess, with the right people it would seem like more of a realistic goal, but still.
*sigh*
i've got to get back into mental and physical shape. all of this nonsense cluttering my "mind" is going to drive me further insane. one of these days things will make sense. today, however, is not that day.
one day i will feel her stroking my face, pulling it closer towards hers, and the kiss will be...
edwin
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