post mother's day updates...

* thanks to all who expressed their concern over my last post. i didnt intend to disappoint anyone, my self included, but i felt it was the right thing to do. i'm glad i shared with you the stupidity of my actions, if only to remind you, and my self, that i am only human. i realize now that not only do i have plenty to live for, it would be a shame if i left just yet. there's plenty of hell i have left to raise, plenty of joints i have yet to smoke, and too many beautiful women who will possibly compete for my attention once i FINALLY begin doing the comedy tip real big.

  in the meantime, i'm reminding my self that i have to take it one day at a time, but that everything will turn out alright. i have all the tools i need to be successful, and am currently enrolled in school to acquire more tools to broaden my horizons in the future. needless to say, it was a VERY stupid thing i attempted, and that i'm glad was unsuccessful, though in hindsight, i have to admit i came pretty damn close. if i hadnt reacted by lifting my head and puking my guts out, i would have likely ended up choking on my own vomit. i can't think of a more disgusting, and avoidable, way to die, ha ha ha.

* mother's day came and went and with it any remaining "love" i feel for my mom. i wont go into too many details here, but i've basically reached my wits end with regards to caring for her. she doesnt need me to do squat for her, and i intend to prove to her that i CAN and WILL have success in my life raising crops, regardless of what they think about it. every day that i continue to live under their roof is one less day i am living my personal dream, and since they've already been informed of the money-making potential of said venture, they're purposely keeping me from realizing my humble dreams. not that it matters, because i'm going to do everything i can to find a job in order to move out as soon as possible. i have an idea of what i'd like to do with my life, and since i am a legal patient there is nothing to keep me from pursuing my humble dreams.

  i just wish my family had a better understanding of what i deal with inside my head on a daily basis, but their lack of support only serves to motivate me. i dont need anybody, i only ask certain people to be a part of my life. and that's all it is, is an invitation. i'm confident that i will find the happiness i crave on my own, just as i usually have in the past. it's just a little sad to have to reach certain realizations on your own, especially when your whole life people spend their time telling you they'll always be there for you, and other terrible lies. it's very pathetic to have to accept people for who they really are, in spite of their words.

* the pacquiao vs mosley fight was a huge letdown, but only because mosley wouldnt let pacquiao hit him more. can't say that i blame him, but he could've taken more of a beating for the millions he was certainly paid. it would've made for better television than what was shown. instead, we all had to hope anxiously that pacquiao would connect more on any of the multiple combinations he landed all night. mosley had a solid career, and at times i found my self cheering for him, but his final fight was nothing to see. i guess i'm glad it's not my money that was spent this weekend buying said fight. then again, i'm glad i got to watch it, regardless of how it turned out.

* i'm focusing on being more concise and to the point with my blogs, so with that i'm off to do whatever the hell i was doing before i decided to write this blog. gotta keep up the job search and hope that i get a call for an interview real soon. wish me luck!

edwin

almost an abrupt ending...

* the pills tasted bland, but they went down my throat just the same. i didnt hesitate to shove the contents of both bottles down my throat, it just felt like the thing to do. it didnt matter how i felt, i knew that soon all of it would be no more. or so i believed.

  the next thing i remember is waking up puking my guts out. i heaved as hard as my body could manage in order to purge my self of said pills. what the hell had i been thinking, and why had i allowed my self to take it this far? was i seriously up to the task, or was this just a desperate cry for attention? it didnt seem to matter, because all i could do was hold my self up on all fours, gasping for air as chunks continued to fly out of me. no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt focus. it was difficult enough having caught my self in the middle of it, i didnt quite understand how i was supposed to survive. i tried to breathe but more chunks continued to fly. there was no one around, save for the tracks and the different trains which passed by me. surely, someone would have been alerted to my presence beside the tracks?

  i laid back down and attempted to breathe clearly as i stared up at the stars. they definitely felt welcoming, but to a silly man like my self that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. at the moment, i was having a hard time thinking straight, since the effects of 64 sleeping pills had begun to make me woozy and delirious. i knew there was no way i could ever explain this to anyone without seeming like the bad guy, so i wasnt even going to try. i figured that since i was unsuccessful in my attempt, i was better off telling my self that i had never tried it to begin with. of course, the lingering effects would last for the better part of 2 days and they would make it nearly impossible for me to leave my house. i say "nearly" because somehow i managed to leave my house to visit my nigga dave.

* he could tell something was amiss from the moment i walked up the stairs and into his living room. i gave him the brief version of what had transpired and he warned me that since i had tried once before, i would probably try again. somehow, the thought didnt seem as appealing when he mentioned it as when i had thought of it on my own. not to say that it continues to seem appealing, but i've definitely had some conversations with my self to talk my self away from such stupid choices. let's just say that i was feeling frisky/ballsy and decided to make a choice which ultimately did not have the intended consequences i had desired, leaving me with more questions to answer from people who seem more interested in my well being than care to demonstrate with actions.

  i feel as alone as i ever have, but somehow i have found a reason (as minute as it may seem) to delay the inevitable. at least, i feel like leaving it in the hands of life as opposed to taking matters into my own hands. i realize now the choice i made a few nights ago was a hasty one and that i must fight to live on in this life if i am ever to see the success i envision for my self. sure, it may seem like one extreme to another, but in this life all i have left is to dream. i figure that if i'm going to dream, i may as well dream big. at least, until those dark and dreary thoughts come back and i feel like i can't fight them off on my own. who will i call for assistance when the darkness overwhelms me again? that's a rhetorical question, since i've never relied on anyone to get me out of my darkest funks.

  in the end, i imagine it will be me and whatever creative way i decide to end things. no more, no less. there will be no need for tears, because it will be the ending i desire; of this much i am certain. the question remains as to "when?" when will things seem perfect enough for me to bid farewell to? when will i throw in the proverbial towel and call it quits? when will my disillusioned self finally cave in to the pressures of life? hopefully, not anytime soon.

  i've tried to remind my self these past couple of days that the end i was seeking is not for me, that i have plenty more to live for, even if it is difficult for me to imagine any happiness. i dont know how i ended up in such a sad and helpless state, but i am committed to seeing my self to a better level. there is just no other way. if i managed to save myself unexpectedly by sitting up as i was beginning to heave my guts, then it must've been on purpose. i didnt spend a whole day out in the sun woozy and delirious, trying to find my legs beneath me, only to try such stupid acts again. i told my self that if i managed to survive it would be the last time i did what i did. certainly, there's no reason for me to try again.

* telling my closest friends and family was difficult enough, but i'm still here. that's the part i must remember. i wasnt successful, which means that i still have a chance at realizing my wildest dreams. all that's needed is a better gameplan and a lot more patience, but i have the firm belief that things will eventually turn for the better. what else am i supposed to tell my self as i suffer quietly through this dark period? no, i'm not asking anyone who is reading this for help, i'm simply informing you of what i've been dealing with the past couple of days. i dont expect anyone to talk any sense into me, regardless of how much i respect you. this is a battle i have to win on my own, and i'm confident that i am capable of winning it.

  it still is not easy to digest the details of that night, but the facts are the facts. i wasted money unnecessarily attempting to bring to an end a life that many have fought to keep alive. it was so foolish of me to believe that ending it so abruptly was the answer to everything. i understand now, more than ever, that it was hasty thinking on my part which led me to that conclusion. at least now i have the experience itself to remind me that i do not wish to repeat it. perhaps i do not have a completely vested interest in this existence, but i'm confident that i will find my calling if i just stay out of trouble. everything i've put my self through has been with a purpose and this experience is no different.

* i remember the last time i came that close to death it was with my dear friend badru, back in high school. he had made the choice to end his life and all i, or anyone else, could do was to assist him. sure, it didnt seem like the "right" thing to do, but what else could you say to someone who was convinced that ending it was the way to go? i never thought that i'd have a turn in that role, and having lived through it, i dont wish those feelings upon anyone.

  i only share these details now with you all because pretending they never happened would be disingenuous. i dont expect any of you to understand how i was feeling, but if you do, thank you. loneliness to that degree should never be experienced by anyone, and i'm a better person for having suffered, and lived, through all of it. i know now that i intend to live the rest of my life with a purpose, and that it will take me time to deliver on the promises i have made to my self. i WILL do something with my life that is worthwhile. i WILL become something more than i presently am. i WILL live to die of natural causes, or die by any other means life deems fit for me. just, not at my own hands. that experiment is over and i'm glad i get to live to tell about it.

* there are so many more thoughts and feelings i wish to share, but for now this will be all. i've got plenty to think about in the following days, i just hope a job follows shortly to help distract me from thinking too much. earning a paycheck is a pleasure i have missed for far too long, hopefully soon that will change...

edwin

through the doldrums...

...one must go in order to find a happier place.

* folks, i'm trying and it isnt working. i guess i'm going to go to sleep upset and frustrated. at least i can say i'm used to it by now, ha ha ha. there, i managed to make my self laugh. maybe a career in comedy isnt such a ludicrous idea.

  but how do you channel every thing you've got when you feel like you havent got a thing. ah, the conundrums of life and how seemingly stupid i am at figuring them out. action or inaction, sometimes it all feels the same. like a terrible catch-22: you're damned if you, you're damned if you dont. i dont know which to pick sometimes, because everything i thought i knew turned out to be bollocks. sure, i can name the president and the year, but neither of those things concerns me. i'm a lunatic and only crazy thoughts satisfy me. as in, the crazier, the better. that's what i get for buying into every idea and delusion served up to me. that's what i get for having such an awesome imagination. i get placed on 5150. even the cops dont understand the scope of my "work".

* sigh.

  lately, very few things have made sense to me. i still dont even think i've managed to figure out exactly WHY the cops placed me on 5150. was i REALLY stupid enough to nod my head in agreement at everything the cops said? ugh, there's no way to know for sure, unless you ask me to roll back the tape. you dont want me to do that, believe me. the more i explain, the less every thing will make sense. the less my life will make sense to me, and the more i will have to admit to my self that i am crazier than even i understand.

  people have come into my life and i believe it's all been for a reason, yet when i try to tie every thing together, nothing makes sense. folks, who can live this way? it's becoming increasingly more frustrating because of my lack of a support system. it's as if i will have to manage every thing on my own, as usual. can't rely on others because they're busy making the most of their lives. how weak could i possibly be to have to ask anyone for help? it's a rhetorical question, since asking for help is actually a sign of strength than of weakness.

* all i want is to perform on-stage and for people to laugh. i hear that's the key to everything. maybe, it's even my way out of this hell-hole i've dug my self into. no, wait, that's actually a limitation that exists inside my head. ugh, when will i ever figure this whole thing out. i dont think i want to play anymore, but when did the game(s) begin? here we go again with the same questions that will never be answered. what i saw is what i saw. what i did is still confusing to me. what the hell did i do to end up on 5150 4 separate times, and why does going back seem like an attractive option.

  i'll tell you one thing: they sure do listen to you in the hospital. they dont help you figure anything out, but they'll listen to you. the question is if you're listening to your self. i think i may have done more to place scarlett johansson on alert to my "presence" than i understand. just exactly do you explain to a celebrity that some random nobody they've never met is asking to meet them, and why would she even listen? then again, where the hell did the notion of scarlett johansson come from? i'm blurring the line again and it's not even funny.

  i thought i knew what i was getting into and now i realize i'm in over my head. WHO THE HELL WAS I TALKING TO!?

  never mind. this is more difficult than i thought. nothing left to do but to end this blog. there's more going on inside my head than anyone realizes, and even i dont understand the whole of it. undergoing treatment will only aggravate the situation. this will only end badly...

edwin