anything worth talking about is worth talking about across all formats.
today i watched the movie time by korean director kim ki-duk. i stumbled upon it at pusplay.com, after a friend sent me a link to a film she wante me to watch. the service seemed attractive for the price ($2.95/month for unlimited streaming) so i decided to take a chance.
little did i know that i'd discover a gem which would make my impulse purchase entirely worth it.
time deals with two lovers who are perfectly flawed. the problems arise when the neurotic female lead feels insecure about herself and decides to up and leave her boyfriend and change her face. sure, sounds like a simple plot, but the problems which arise are simply the beginning to this tragic tale. eventually, the boyfriend cant eat, sleep, drink, or even shit, without feeling confused about his existence, because all he wants to know is how he fits in, but she literally will not let him. he is too tortured to let her go and too hurt to believe she would resort to such antics, especially when she continually rejects his love in all forms.
eventually, he decides to play her game and things do not turn out well for either one. it is a story which deals with the universal theme of identity and happiness, things which philosophers have been discussing since the dawn of recorded history.
this is not a movie which is light of heart, but it is highly stylized, something which i see more american films becoming, although they keep their goofball lighting tricks, which makes it hard to take the popcorn fare seriously. time is an arthouse film with a feel for the mainstream, with scenes shot in modern looking places. it is at once beautiful with a sense of tragedy building throughout the movie until you almost feel like the endgame is well worth it. this is something most films fail to accomplish, because we are used to seeing people who endure through suffering to be rewarded. but what end does such a flawed character deserve when she begins to realize she should never have begun to play with true love? the answer awaits and it is a beautiful journey to observe...
on a side note...
the movie helped me to feel much better about my personal circumstance. again, i will reiterate that my muse is culture, specifically all expressions of culture, because they remind me that as human beings we have so much love to offer the world, and every thing which exists on it. worlds are subjective in that they can be individual or universal, and in my case i'm referring to my personal experiences on this world. or, my world within this world. or the 4th dimension relative to the 3rd. so on, and so on.
my point is that whenever i feel down i can turn to culture and it lifts me up, and i realized that i had been failing to satisfy my appetite for film, which is voracious, so this current lull in my life provides me a perfect opportunity to continue to explore the one subject which trumps all others: culture.
blah, blah, blah, i'm rambling again, but somewher out there i'm sure there's someone who can relate to all of what i'm attempting to say. at least, i hope there's a woman out there who is taking notice of me *wink*, because there's only one on my mind, but to ask me to asnwer that question will reveal only one answer: the world.
i decided i should go back to loving the world and my "one true love" will reveal herself to me. culture is complicted in that it requires words, symbols which are easily misunderstood and can lead to confusion. thus, while my spirited search has ended, so begins a passive beginning which i had hoped to never have to endure. tough luck to my self, since i didnt leave my self a contingency plan, and i had sincerely relied on love to get me through all obstacles i could've (and did) endure.
you see, my greater plan is known only to me, since i'm the only one who knows the value and truth beind my voice. i am the great joker who governs "my" world. thus, it is my laughter which gives me away, and i know it is wonderful laugh, which reminds me of the only job i ever want to hold: comedian.
until i have accomplished my childhood dreams, or until said dreams manifest themselves before me, i can properly leave this world. because i know how to live forever, but i'd be a fool to try to accomplish this mission all on my own. all great leaders were supported by someone, who has usually been their lover. einstein had his cousin, but it took him forever to admit to the world that he loved her more than anyone in the world, and to accept her proposal for marriage. if it can be said that einstein was a fool for this, then i am an equal fool for believing that unrequited love exists for me, because i only had one person in mind when i thought of love, but she has told me that she does not share the same romantic feelings.
thus, i am left reeling and left to make sense of every step of my life i have taken along the way; a true identity crisis. if i have not lived my life for a woman, then i have lived my life out of love for this world. and the earth is my mother, time is my father, and there is no wife to be seen, because this whole joke is a conundrum knowable only to me, which others fail to understand, because exciting me sets off a series of events which scares my audience. again, i'm a comedian, so find a lie within my tale and my confidence deflates. but dare to believe and our worlds expand like bright stars in an infinite uiverse. infinite possibilities, which require the perfect partner/mate with whom to share all of eternity.
this boy dreamed the greatest dream and it was life, but it cannot begin until others cede the control they purport to have over me and begin to understand that i am the writer behind my greatest masterpiece, which is my life. and every day i am denied brings me great sadness and it is felt on this earth through the lifeforce we all share, something over which i have some control, but i have only recently discovered said powers.
anyway, enough said, it's time to try and be productive this wonderful friday evening...
edwin
Friday, April 30, 2010
proof of what i was working on...
the above video is about an Indian (from India) holy man who claims to have not eaten or had a drink of anything in 70 years.
not to sound like a boastful precocious child, but i can honestly say i know how he does it. i was practicing breathing techniques which enabled me to be able to experience some of the same elated highs as the man in the video probably feels. i wonder what happened to lead him to end up in the hospital, but since India probably has free health insurance, he probably isnt too concerned with his stay there.
in america we have the "dont pay your hospital bills and end up with bad credit, which is null if you already have bad credit" health insurance. it's the one i use for all of my hospital needs. i had made an appointment with a medi-cal recruiter, but i guess she was too busy to call me back. i'm going to try her again on monday, because i would really like to be on it. maybe then it'll be easier for me to get respect in hospitals.
more on the healer...it was said that "most importantly" he had not passed any urine or feces. easily accomplished when you realize how the body works. you can hold excreting for quite some time if you stay calm and your body will eventually completely process every thing you had to eat or drink. remember, it is said that urine is full of vitamins, thus if you learn to hold your urine you are only further nutrifying your body. sure, it sounds like hogwash comnig from someone without a ph.D, but believe me when i say i have lived this experience first-hand. i've disappeared for days on end and survived without food or water. hell, i even slept inside of my car with the windows up during a blazing hot day and made it feel cool inside, like i was in the snow. how could i manage to be able to do all of these things? with learning to control my breath and channeling the energy around me.
it all starts with socrates and einstein, and then you fill in the rest. or you can ask the healer in the video and see if he makes sense to you. believe me when i say that, as humans, we are capable of so many magical and mystical things, if we are willing to believe...
edwin
just say his name three times...
my how i thoroughly enjoyed the tim burton gem from 1988 known simply as beetlejuice.
in case you have not seen it, get a hold of a copy, digital or otherwise, and sit down with a beer and enjoy the movie. simply put, it is classic tim burton. if you dont know what that means, i'll give you the quick and dirty explanation. lots of color, outlandish imagination expressed throughout, and a plot which keeps you entertained, not to mention lots of good music by danny elfman. this particular film uses some solid tracks by harry belafonte, which give it a nice latin touch, even though i'm more used to roots-based latino music. call me old fashioned, but i grew up on a different kind of music, but i digress.
i knew that tonight i would have to follow up last night's woody allen gem by watching an old favorite. i havent seen beetlejuice all the way through in many moons, and i knew that it would soothe my soul just a little bit to take a stroll down memory lane. again, it is a movie which deals with the supernatural, something which has been at the forefront of my mind for the past couple of weeks. i'm new to all of this supernatural stuff, so i figured i'd recap things i'd taken for granted before, especially since right now all of the traditional forms of thinking are working against me. or at least, it feels like odds are against me, even though i continue to be reassured by proxy that my ultimate reward is still in play. hey, what do i know, i just do as i'm told, regardless of the results.
anyway, it definitely lifted my spirits. geena davis and a *gulp* young alec baldwin play the roles of a recently deceased happy couple perfectly and michael keaton steals the show as the title character. simply put, the movie is a lesson in "be careful what you wish for" because you dont always know the unintended consequences of asking for help from someone who isnt exactly thinking with your best interest in mind. why does that theme sound so familiar to me? *scratches chin* give me a minute to think about it and i might get it.
oh, that's right, because that's exactly how i feel right now! and people wonder how i am able to pick up on the subliminal messages hidden within culture. as i said last night, i have culture and that trumps everything. i tethered my self to the greatest thinkers ordinary men should consider as such and then i leaped off the proverbial cliff. metaphorically speaking, i'm in an endless freefall. or, to use the alice in wonderland reference, i'm trying to find out just how far the rabbit hole goes, people. the beauty of it all is that i'm constantly living life through multiple perceptions at once, and today i had to work on being "human" within the context of the word. since i have to associate with other humans, and since i am still bound to their world, i must find ways to satisfy the basic requirements expected of me. sure, i have no real desire to continue being a productive member of the work force, but that's something which will hopefully be reconciled later. in the meantime, i'm expected to provide for my self, because heaven knows no one else will; much less my family.
what i do know is that when i'm unhappy i love to watch movies. i like to shut down the old brain and i like to observe cultural expression, all of which are rooted in love. in this particular case it was a love for the world which kept the lead characters bound to the world, but in a supernatural form. beetlejuice was simply destined to live out his afterlife as expected because he would not conform to any of the rules. a vicious cycle, which ends up seeming humorous, and the overall lesson was not lost on yours truly.
my entire life i feel like i've been trying to find a balance, and recent events only informed me that i have not yet mastered this final mission. if i had, i would not have heard that my "friends are afraid of [me]". it does not matter who i am quoting, suffice it to say it was a punch to the gut, especially after every thing i submitted my self to. especially after all of it. to think. well, it's still difficult.
in the end there must be happiness, because my entire life i have felt like i was building up to the greatest entrance by a new actor the world has ever seen. who lives their life as one giant delusion? who honestly believes every thing they think? and why would all of my thoughts make sense when i find an audience member capable enough to think in the most abstract of terms? how come my life makes sense when every one around me treats me like a known lunatic, a maniac? wait! i am a maniac, because i "suffer" from mania, so we've got that solved. i am basically legally insane; a patch i purchased and lost many years ago. one true lament, if ever it could be said of a material possession. i can obtain another, i'm certain.
my point is that sometimes one does not make sense in contemporary terms, so others must rely on unorthodox ideas and thoughts to put the pieces of my life together, because i know that once questions are asked, i am required to answer them honestly. it just hurts that the answers are unsatisfactory. maybe all of this will not have bee in vain, but in the meantime i've got to muscle through this uncomfortable part. no matter, knowing what is at stake, i'm willing to suffer for just a little bit longer. no matter, because either way happiness awaits me, with or without my pound of flesh.
to pretend to be a superhero: someone out there knows the answers to all of my questions, but they arent talking; at least, not yet. i'll get the answers i desire in due time. it's just painful that time is relative and i've got to sit through it. oy vey, doest the suffering ever end? will i ever get to rest my pretty head on the beautiful bosom i can imagine awaits me? ha ha ha, such a romantic pervert i am, and it's because women drive me crazy. for whom else do you think i live my life. i love the world and the world reminds me of women, but women are fertile like the earth, and all i desire in this world is to be a happy father...someday.
cultural expression, my friends, is all about love.
on a side note: i was catching mucho laughs watching old sam kinison videos. i included a link to his first special, and i encourage all to go through all 5 videos to get the full experience. if you feel offended while watching mr kinison, i can only imagine how you'll feel if you ever get to watch my incarnation of humor. believe me when i say that i'm in the same vein as him, without the homophobia and slight racism. at the same time, it's what made him great. he forced us to question our thoughts in order to find a greater truth which everyone seemed to be ignoring at the time.
fast forward to the year 2010 and things are no different. gay people still get a hard time, and minorities dont have it any easier in this country. the only thing which has changed is the level of awareness. just because we have a mulatto president doesnt mean we're less racist. hell, even the fact i used the word mulatto could get me flack; but i dont care. people are hypersensitive, and i believe it is an opportune time for someone to follow in the footsteps of sam kinison. i think someone would make a lot of money speaking their mind openly about ALL issues, and i believe my self to be such a person. it's not like i am unaware of my reputation amongst others. in fact, my reputation has been harnessed ever since i was a boy; something which tells me that i was born to do what i dream of. the only thing which has stood in my way was my blind devotion to my family. well, i think i may have finally reconciled that problem, and all i need is a little more time to recuperate my mental health as it once was and then i'll spread my wings and fly.
i honestly feel much better, folks, and that's saying something. it has been a hell of a week since i was discharged, but i know i'm on a much better path.
as i was telling my proxy online: i'm going to focus on my self right now and i'm going to stop following spirits. if they are interested in obtaining my services or my time, they know where to reach me. she said, i think scarlett's just waiting for the right time, to which i wanted to reply "well, tell her to hurry up already." i think things may yet turn out in my favor, as delusional as it may sound. ha ha ha.
i've always felt like i was writing my life, and that my biggest problem was not knowing what my role was in my own movie. a typical manic thought, but why does it make so much sense? how come i can see through all of the nonsense others spout in order to make sense of what people are trying to say? oh, never mind, i really ought to be in bed. so much thinking wont help a boy who is without assistance. it is almost enough to drive said boy insane, except for the fact that i know i'm not. and i will never go back to a hospital for such reasons unless i desire to be admitted, which i never will.
when i think about it, maybe i've been trying too hard. thus, i must remember the lesson of beetlejuice and be careful about what i wish for. if i'm happy with simple access to all forms of cultural expression, then i'm fully equipped to create my art, which is humor, and any interested parties already know how to contact me. all i'll say is that, like jesus christ *chuckle* i hate being denied, when my entire life i've learned to say yes to every thing others asked of me, unless it was entirely inconvenient to me. well, those days are over, so i cant help but feel excited about finally placing my self first, second, and third. this means i truly will never lose, which, strangely, is a play on words i used to speak of frequently...edwin = ed wins = i never lose = i hate being right because it means someone else is wrong. oh, right, it all made too much sense so i stopped using it.
as they say, classics never die, and love never goes out of style. since i love the world, i get to live forever. to begin to make sense of this you must first learn to see the sun. i've already told you every thing you need to know. good night.
edwin
in case you have not seen it, get a hold of a copy, digital or otherwise, and sit down with a beer and enjoy the movie. simply put, it is classic tim burton. if you dont know what that means, i'll give you the quick and dirty explanation. lots of color, outlandish imagination expressed throughout, and a plot which keeps you entertained, not to mention lots of good music by danny elfman. this particular film uses some solid tracks by harry belafonte, which give it a nice latin touch, even though i'm more used to roots-based latino music. call me old fashioned, but i grew up on a different kind of music, but i digress.
i knew that tonight i would have to follow up last night's woody allen gem by watching an old favorite. i havent seen beetlejuice all the way through in many moons, and i knew that it would soothe my soul just a little bit to take a stroll down memory lane. again, it is a movie which deals with the supernatural, something which has been at the forefront of my mind for the past couple of weeks. i'm new to all of this supernatural stuff, so i figured i'd recap things i'd taken for granted before, especially since right now all of the traditional forms of thinking are working against me. or at least, it feels like odds are against me, even though i continue to be reassured by proxy that my ultimate reward is still in play. hey, what do i know, i just do as i'm told, regardless of the results.
anyway, it definitely lifted my spirits. geena davis and a *gulp* young alec baldwin play the roles of a recently deceased happy couple perfectly and michael keaton steals the show as the title character. simply put, the movie is a lesson in "be careful what you wish for" because you dont always know the unintended consequences of asking for help from someone who isnt exactly thinking with your best interest in mind. why does that theme sound so familiar to me? *scratches chin* give me a minute to think about it and i might get it.
oh, that's right, because that's exactly how i feel right now! and people wonder how i am able to pick up on the subliminal messages hidden within culture. as i said last night, i have culture and that trumps everything. i tethered my self to the greatest thinkers ordinary men should consider as such and then i leaped off the proverbial cliff. metaphorically speaking, i'm in an endless freefall. or, to use the alice in wonderland reference, i'm trying to find out just how far the rabbit hole goes, people. the beauty of it all is that i'm constantly living life through multiple perceptions at once, and today i had to work on being "human" within the context of the word. since i have to associate with other humans, and since i am still bound to their world, i must find ways to satisfy the basic requirements expected of me. sure, i have no real desire to continue being a productive member of the work force, but that's something which will hopefully be reconciled later. in the meantime, i'm expected to provide for my self, because heaven knows no one else will; much less my family.
what i do know is that when i'm unhappy i love to watch movies. i like to shut down the old brain and i like to observe cultural expression, all of which are rooted in love. in this particular case it was a love for the world which kept the lead characters bound to the world, but in a supernatural form. beetlejuice was simply destined to live out his afterlife as expected because he would not conform to any of the rules. a vicious cycle, which ends up seeming humorous, and the overall lesson was not lost on yours truly.
my entire life i feel like i've been trying to find a balance, and recent events only informed me that i have not yet mastered this final mission. if i had, i would not have heard that my "friends are afraid of [me]". it does not matter who i am quoting, suffice it to say it was a punch to the gut, especially after every thing i submitted my self to. especially after all of it. to think. well, it's still difficult.
in the end there must be happiness, because my entire life i have felt like i was building up to the greatest entrance by a new actor the world has ever seen. who lives their life as one giant delusion? who honestly believes every thing they think? and why would all of my thoughts make sense when i find an audience member capable enough to think in the most abstract of terms? how come my life makes sense when every one around me treats me like a known lunatic, a maniac? wait! i am a maniac, because i "suffer" from mania, so we've got that solved. i am basically legally insane; a patch i purchased and lost many years ago. one true lament, if ever it could be said of a material possession. i can obtain another, i'm certain.
my point is that sometimes one does not make sense in contemporary terms, so others must rely on unorthodox ideas and thoughts to put the pieces of my life together, because i know that once questions are asked, i am required to answer them honestly. it just hurts that the answers are unsatisfactory. maybe all of this will not have bee in vain, but in the meantime i've got to muscle through this uncomfortable part. no matter, knowing what is at stake, i'm willing to suffer for just a little bit longer. no matter, because either way happiness awaits me, with or without my pound of flesh.
to pretend to be a superhero: someone out there knows the answers to all of my questions, but they arent talking; at least, not yet. i'll get the answers i desire in due time. it's just painful that time is relative and i've got to sit through it. oy vey, doest the suffering ever end? will i ever get to rest my pretty head on the beautiful bosom i can imagine awaits me? ha ha ha, such a romantic pervert i am, and it's because women drive me crazy. for whom else do you think i live my life. i love the world and the world reminds me of women, but women are fertile like the earth, and all i desire in this world is to be a happy father...someday.
cultural expression, my friends, is all about love.
on a side note: i was catching mucho laughs watching old sam kinison videos. i included a link to his first special, and i encourage all to go through all 5 videos to get the full experience. if you feel offended while watching mr kinison, i can only imagine how you'll feel if you ever get to watch my incarnation of humor. believe me when i say that i'm in the same vein as him, without the homophobia and slight racism. at the same time, it's what made him great. he forced us to question our thoughts in order to find a greater truth which everyone seemed to be ignoring at the time.
fast forward to the year 2010 and things are no different. gay people still get a hard time, and minorities dont have it any easier in this country. the only thing which has changed is the level of awareness. just because we have a mulatto president doesnt mean we're less racist. hell, even the fact i used the word mulatto could get me flack; but i dont care. people are hypersensitive, and i believe it is an opportune time for someone to follow in the footsteps of sam kinison. i think someone would make a lot of money speaking their mind openly about ALL issues, and i believe my self to be such a person. it's not like i am unaware of my reputation amongst others. in fact, my reputation has been harnessed ever since i was a boy; something which tells me that i was born to do what i dream of. the only thing which has stood in my way was my blind devotion to my family. well, i think i may have finally reconciled that problem, and all i need is a little more time to recuperate my mental health as it once was and then i'll spread my wings and fly.
i honestly feel much better, folks, and that's saying something. it has been a hell of a week since i was discharged, but i know i'm on a much better path.
as i was telling my proxy online: i'm going to focus on my self right now and i'm going to stop following spirits. if they are interested in obtaining my services or my time, they know where to reach me. she said, i think scarlett's just waiting for the right time, to which i wanted to reply "well, tell her to hurry up already." i think things may yet turn out in my favor, as delusional as it may sound. ha ha ha.
i've always felt like i was writing my life, and that my biggest problem was not knowing what my role was in my own movie. a typical manic thought, but why does it make so much sense? how come i can see through all of the nonsense others spout in order to make sense of what people are trying to say? oh, never mind, i really ought to be in bed. so much thinking wont help a boy who is without assistance. it is almost enough to drive said boy insane, except for the fact that i know i'm not. and i will never go back to a hospital for such reasons unless i desire to be admitted, which i never will.
when i think about it, maybe i've been trying too hard. thus, i must remember the lesson of beetlejuice and be careful about what i wish for. if i'm happy with simple access to all forms of cultural expression, then i'm fully equipped to create my art, which is humor, and any interested parties already know how to contact me. all i'll say is that, like jesus christ *chuckle* i hate being denied, when my entire life i've learned to say yes to every thing others asked of me, unless it was entirely inconvenient to me. well, those days are over, so i cant help but feel excited about finally placing my self first, second, and third. this means i truly will never lose, which, strangely, is a play on words i used to speak of frequently...edwin = ed wins = i never lose = i hate being right because it means someone else is wrong. oh, right, it all made too much sense so i stopped using it.
as they say, classics never die, and love never goes out of style. since i love the world, i get to live forever. to begin to make sense of this you must first learn to see the sun. i've already told you every thing you need to know. good night.
edwin
Thursday, April 29, 2010
woody allen's metaphysical midsummer masterpiece...
just goes to show me: all i need is love.
in this case it is the observance of love in the form of cultural expression, specifically film. my mood has been gloomy for a week, obvious railing from the deception i feel from my family, as mentioned in previous posts, so i decided to watch a movie via the online service provided by netflix (highly recommended, by the way. no HD yet, but maybe soon?). i figured i needed something to cheer me up, perhaps something by my favorite director woody allen, and lo and behold i stumbled upon a midsummer night's sex comedy. i wasnt sure what to expect, since i dont usually read the synopses of films, i just kind of go off the star rating and use the synopsis as a secondary means if i feel it is necessary.
turns out it was EXACTLY what i needed: a smart metaphysical comedy explaining the complications which arise when love is in play. not to ruin anything, but the whole thing made sense to me. the whole movie felt as if it was written about my life, a clear subliminal message perceivable only to me, since i'm manic and delusional when i am happy. well, maybe i'm still getting there, but my conversation with my father earlier this evening also proved the obvious that i am returning back to my old self. maybe there is yet hope for me, he he he.
woody allen isnt a dear friend of mine, but i have always felt like his movies spoke to me on some subliminal level. i can relate to the characters he creates, especially with regards to the passive aggressive ones who seldom overcome their fears, but tonight i began to associate more with the character of his best friend, in this case, maxwell, as played by tony roberts. however, since i was completely aware of my delusion, i also remembered that my inner child is and will always be similar to woody allen - honest and misunderstood - while my "adult" form desires to be more assertive, a la maxwell. but where is there room for love when both feel completely lost and with little hope, since the pursuit of said love has left us in complete shambles and utterly discombobulated? this, my friends, is to be found out at a later time.
more than anything, i wanted to post something more upbeat; something light by which to say "hey, i'm feeling sad, but i know i'm going to be alright, so if you're reading this, please dont worry about me." unfortunately, the difficult conversations i've been having with my family have failed to generate any progress, especially with regards to basic communication, and i fear that i may soon reach a difficult decision much sooner than anticipated. what else am i to say about this, besides to speak of it in cryptic tones? my family is completely out of touch with me and i no longer care to maintain any flicker of a connection which might remain. i no longer care to stoke the flame of familial appreciation. it is utterly the saddest thing i have ever had to decide, since the only other thing sadder than this was a joint decision ultimately left in someone else's hands; and even that brought me closer to said person in the end. this, however, is the saddest thing for me, because i have to bury something which i hold dear to me, and i wont be able to resuscitate it until the time is right.
since time is relative to me...well, let's just say i dont know when the concept of family might again seem to make sense to me. i'll need all of the time i can get, and if my most ambitious life's work is of any support...well, who's to say how long that may take? clearly, i was functioning with assistance prior to my hospital stay, and a part of me continues to believe said assistance may yet return to aide me, since words were spoken to me which i believed were intended to reassure me. unfortunately, it is beginning to seem that perhaps a sense of post traumatic stress disorder is beginnig to settle in; an unfortunate dilemma in that it distracts me from the ambitious work i was developing, which was to prove einstein's theory of relativity.
imagine that, even my thoughts have been compromised. oh, how i long for that moment on the door step when it seemed that i would soon be the happiest man on earth. if only i could go back in time, because i have been reduced to a fraction of my former self. i have believed the doctors for too long because i thought they represented a greater meaning in the overall picture, and i now realize that my previous suspicions about the medical commuity were all right. *shakes head* there is no consolance for a lonely boy, and tears serve no function in this equation. again, i can only rely on my self at the moment; i am too paralyzed to reach out and i do not possess a telephone line on which to dial out (cell is only receiving calls at the moment, sorry, friends).
*sigh* serves me right, i'll say. leave no built in safety net, put all of your eggs into one basket, and one cannot complain about the result. my only lament is that i did not speak sooner the only words i've ever longed to say. pick your choice of which you'd like to hear, but i'd endear my self to you either way: 1) i'm sorry for any undue pain i may have caused you or 2) i've loved you my entire life and have longed to be with you. an audience is unnecessary, my commitment to my self binding me to say these words to my self first. i'm sorry i have always neglected my self, and i love my self more than anyone else, because i have always suffered from a lack of the truest love i've always wanted to share with others. now it is time for me to focus solely on my self and to allow for time and space to revolve around me appropriately enough so that my destiny may finally reveal itself.
i'm armed with the only tools i'll ever need, because all i have is all i'll ever need: my self. the machines i've acquired will assist me, and a great assistance they do provide, but they are tools and a philosopher only needs his brain to truly exist in this world. there is a whole world which is crying without my laughter, and i will do every thing i can to remedy this fault. i will soon laugh louder than i have in some time because i deserve it, and because the world deserves to hear me laugh again. i'll be damned if these incorrigible people take me down to their level forever. i should've made this decision before i went channeling other spirits, but, as a precocious child, i have never observed the rules in the same way as others. which is why i have always been misunderstood.
my father asked me tonight if i knew the law. i had to bite my tongue from telling him the truth. i am responsible for more than he is aware, and it is a responsibility i welcome gladly, because it is a part of my destiny. who i must become is for me to reveal to my self. i am the lone driver on life's super highway, because only i know what it takes to travel through my life. it isnt a sad prospect, because there are passengers waiting to be picked up along the way. all i have to do is to find the way to rid my self of the responsibilities of ordinary men. i must find my way to the top of the proverbial metaphysical mountain, now that i know i do not need a sherpa. strange, my friends. i learned every thing i know through culture, and if mania is my muse, then i have never been more in love with any concept in my life.
so, to all wayward spirits who might want to contact me i say that i welcome you into my body. i welcome the rest of my life in an instant. i welcome all of existence in one breath. i welcome the infinite possibilities i can imagine, and i long to lose my self in the greatest love story i have ever imagined. the story of a boy who fell in love with a girl he can no longer remember, because he loved her so much he had to hide her from the world, but in so doing he remembered that he loved the world, because he loved her. it's a perpetual cycle, which reminds me that i love women because i love the world, so if i want to have one for temporary companionship i must express my love for the world first. who's on first? ha ha ha, a dirty sex joke. who's on top first? who is on first? damn it, i think i'm working through this haze in spite of the complications doing so is creating in my life.
but it hurts...it will hurt for some time, and until the pain is gone i wont truly be happy. when one loves it is forever. i've known this from the moment i was born, and to be denied means to find a different explanation to ones existence. plenty abound. theories make the world go round, and scientists spend lifetimes attempting to concoct a theory which can be proven by others to be turned into law. any famous name worth knowing in science is tied to a theory or law, and i told my self that i would know i was succeeding in proving einstein's theory of relativity when everyone around me began to treat me as if i was crazy.
well, einstein built in the safety net that if you thought you were crazy then you were not, because only someone who was doing the same thing and expected a different result was crazy. i have culture and that trumps everything. i tied my self to socrates because he asked why, and einstein proved him. there is a 4th dimension which exists and the next time i have the chance to get lost in it, i will remember all of the pain of this world and i'll leave this all behind. there is no longer any thing left to tie me down to the ordinary world of men.
at the end of a midsummer night's sex comedy a theory is revealed. it is one that goes along with many other theories which cannot be proven by ordinary science, which requires a firm belief in the metaphysical. well, i have always been a different thinker, so...ha ha ha. i write too much, but it isnt necessarily a bad thing.
i'll figure this whole thing out at my own speed, folks. and thank you for reading my updates, as non sequitir as they may seem...
edwin
in this case it is the observance of love in the form of cultural expression, specifically film. my mood has been gloomy for a week, obvious railing from the deception i feel from my family, as mentioned in previous posts, so i decided to watch a movie via the online service provided by netflix (highly recommended, by the way. no HD yet, but maybe soon?). i figured i needed something to cheer me up, perhaps something by my favorite director woody allen, and lo and behold i stumbled upon a midsummer night's sex comedy. i wasnt sure what to expect, since i dont usually read the synopses of films, i just kind of go off the star rating and use the synopsis as a secondary means if i feel it is necessary.
turns out it was EXACTLY what i needed: a smart metaphysical comedy explaining the complications which arise when love is in play. not to ruin anything, but the whole thing made sense to me. the whole movie felt as if it was written about my life, a clear subliminal message perceivable only to me, since i'm manic and delusional when i am happy. well, maybe i'm still getting there, but my conversation with my father earlier this evening also proved the obvious that i am returning back to my old self. maybe there is yet hope for me, he he he.
woody allen isnt a dear friend of mine, but i have always felt like his movies spoke to me on some subliminal level. i can relate to the characters he creates, especially with regards to the passive aggressive ones who seldom overcome their fears, but tonight i began to associate more with the character of his best friend, in this case, maxwell, as played by tony roberts. however, since i was completely aware of my delusion, i also remembered that my inner child is and will always be similar to woody allen - honest and misunderstood - while my "adult" form desires to be more assertive, a la maxwell. but where is there room for love when both feel completely lost and with little hope, since the pursuit of said love has left us in complete shambles and utterly discombobulated? this, my friends, is to be found out at a later time.
more than anything, i wanted to post something more upbeat; something light by which to say "hey, i'm feeling sad, but i know i'm going to be alright, so if you're reading this, please dont worry about me." unfortunately, the difficult conversations i've been having with my family have failed to generate any progress, especially with regards to basic communication, and i fear that i may soon reach a difficult decision much sooner than anticipated. what else am i to say about this, besides to speak of it in cryptic tones? my family is completely out of touch with me and i no longer care to maintain any flicker of a connection which might remain. i no longer care to stoke the flame of familial appreciation. it is utterly the saddest thing i have ever had to decide, since the only other thing sadder than this was a joint decision ultimately left in someone else's hands; and even that brought me closer to said person in the end. this, however, is the saddest thing for me, because i have to bury something which i hold dear to me, and i wont be able to resuscitate it until the time is right.
since time is relative to me...well, let's just say i dont know when the concept of family might again seem to make sense to me. i'll need all of the time i can get, and if my most ambitious life's work is of any support...well, who's to say how long that may take? clearly, i was functioning with assistance prior to my hospital stay, and a part of me continues to believe said assistance may yet return to aide me, since words were spoken to me which i believed were intended to reassure me. unfortunately, it is beginning to seem that perhaps a sense of post traumatic stress disorder is beginnig to settle in; an unfortunate dilemma in that it distracts me from the ambitious work i was developing, which was to prove einstein's theory of relativity.
imagine that, even my thoughts have been compromised. oh, how i long for that moment on the door step when it seemed that i would soon be the happiest man on earth. if only i could go back in time, because i have been reduced to a fraction of my former self. i have believed the doctors for too long because i thought they represented a greater meaning in the overall picture, and i now realize that my previous suspicions about the medical commuity were all right. *shakes head* there is no consolance for a lonely boy, and tears serve no function in this equation. again, i can only rely on my self at the moment; i am too paralyzed to reach out and i do not possess a telephone line on which to dial out (cell is only receiving calls at the moment, sorry, friends).
*sigh* serves me right, i'll say. leave no built in safety net, put all of your eggs into one basket, and one cannot complain about the result. my only lament is that i did not speak sooner the only words i've ever longed to say. pick your choice of which you'd like to hear, but i'd endear my self to you either way: 1) i'm sorry for any undue pain i may have caused you or 2) i've loved you my entire life and have longed to be with you. an audience is unnecessary, my commitment to my self binding me to say these words to my self first. i'm sorry i have always neglected my self, and i love my self more than anyone else, because i have always suffered from a lack of the truest love i've always wanted to share with others. now it is time for me to focus solely on my self and to allow for time and space to revolve around me appropriately enough so that my destiny may finally reveal itself.
i'm armed with the only tools i'll ever need, because all i have is all i'll ever need: my self. the machines i've acquired will assist me, and a great assistance they do provide, but they are tools and a philosopher only needs his brain to truly exist in this world. there is a whole world which is crying without my laughter, and i will do every thing i can to remedy this fault. i will soon laugh louder than i have in some time because i deserve it, and because the world deserves to hear me laugh again. i'll be damned if these incorrigible people take me down to their level forever. i should've made this decision before i went channeling other spirits, but, as a precocious child, i have never observed the rules in the same way as others. which is why i have always been misunderstood.
my father asked me tonight if i knew the law. i had to bite my tongue from telling him the truth. i am responsible for more than he is aware, and it is a responsibility i welcome gladly, because it is a part of my destiny. who i must become is for me to reveal to my self. i am the lone driver on life's super highway, because only i know what it takes to travel through my life. it isnt a sad prospect, because there are passengers waiting to be picked up along the way. all i have to do is to find the way to rid my self of the responsibilities of ordinary men. i must find my way to the top of the proverbial metaphysical mountain, now that i know i do not need a sherpa. strange, my friends. i learned every thing i know through culture, and if mania is my muse, then i have never been more in love with any concept in my life.
so, to all wayward spirits who might want to contact me i say that i welcome you into my body. i welcome the rest of my life in an instant. i welcome all of existence in one breath. i welcome the infinite possibilities i can imagine, and i long to lose my self in the greatest love story i have ever imagined. the story of a boy who fell in love with a girl he can no longer remember, because he loved her so much he had to hide her from the world, but in so doing he remembered that he loved the world, because he loved her. it's a perpetual cycle, which reminds me that i love women because i love the world, so if i want to have one for temporary companionship i must express my love for the world first. who's on first? ha ha ha, a dirty sex joke. who's on top first? who is on first? damn it, i think i'm working through this haze in spite of the complications doing so is creating in my life.
but it hurts...it will hurt for some time, and until the pain is gone i wont truly be happy. when one loves it is forever. i've known this from the moment i was born, and to be denied means to find a different explanation to ones existence. plenty abound. theories make the world go round, and scientists spend lifetimes attempting to concoct a theory which can be proven by others to be turned into law. any famous name worth knowing in science is tied to a theory or law, and i told my self that i would know i was succeeding in proving einstein's theory of relativity when everyone around me began to treat me as if i was crazy.
well, einstein built in the safety net that if you thought you were crazy then you were not, because only someone who was doing the same thing and expected a different result was crazy. i have culture and that trumps everything. i tied my self to socrates because he asked why, and einstein proved him. there is a 4th dimension which exists and the next time i have the chance to get lost in it, i will remember all of the pain of this world and i'll leave this all behind. there is no longer any thing left to tie me down to the ordinary world of men.
at the end of a midsummer night's sex comedy a theory is revealed. it is one that goes along with many other theories which cannot be proven by ordinary science, which requires a firm belief in the metaphysical. well, i have always been a different thinker, so...ha ha ha. i write too much, but it isnt necessarily a bad thing.
i'll figure this whole thing out at my own speed, folks. and thank you for reading my updates, as non sequitir as they may seem...
edwin
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
what's the alternative?
surely, it has crossed my mind. to say that suicide has never crossed our minds is to say one has never gazed into the abyss hidden within each of us and pondered the alternative to life. it's simple, really: there is no alternative.
it's a trick question, much like a lot of perplexing questions i ask. my personal favorite: we can do this the easy way or the hard way? this, again, is a trick, because the easy way isnt so easy and the hard way isnt that hard. it's a test of patience and understanding, and let's just say a lot of people fail it, but i aim to help them to understand my complicated ways. if i offered everyone the easiest way to do something i already know they will not always listen to what i have to say in order to accomplish their desired objective. it's a game i play in order to measure the value of the person in front of me. sure, it may sound manipulative, but how else is one supposed to determine the level of trust one can have with another person? i've often been accused of being too trustworthy, and while this is true, it has always led to a lesson with a hard-earned moral which has helped me to mature as a person.
case in point, my present situation.
i followed my heart and attempted to better myself for my family and i ended up heartbroken, or at least feeling this way. now, because i continue to refuse to follow convention i'm being alienated by the only people i have ever claimed to be serving, which are my family. it's a lovely way for them to show their appreciation. since i refuse to conform to their ideas of normality i'm deemed the bad guy. i'm given the unenviable task of succeeding as an outcast because i refuse to accept their help on their terms, regardless of the fact that it is meaningless help. to posture for the sake of pride is to spit in my face, and i consider it offensive that they should even attempt to question my intelligence. there is nothing left to hide, i'm aware of all of the flaws which make my existence and their own, and it has always felt like i am the only one who is willing to take accountability of this.
well, it's all over. there is no more niceness for me to share with my family. and as a result they have expedited the frustration, they are giving me more stress as has always been typical of them. it was foolish of me to believe that they would ever begin to attempt to understand me. to them, i have always been an enigma, because they have never chosen to listen to the explanations behind my rationale. it is seriously something which causes me heart-felt grief, and it's pathetic.
that was the purpose of yesterday's post. what does family mean to you, because i think of what it means to me and i have no clue. family is a word that is thrown around by too many people, and at the end of the day i am left alone. however, i blame no one. i blame my self for not building in a safety net. i knew that money would be the ruin of my connection with my family, and not because we would ever have too much of it, but because some would feel that we do not have enough of it. well, that day is finally upon me and i welcome it with open arms. i'm going to find the way to get on government assistance and i'm going to make something of my life. when one has no one else to turn to, there is always trusty uncle sam. i certainly qualify for being in a hardship, so we'll see what kind of lovely assistance i qualify for, including medical, which will hopefully help to settle some of the hospital bills i never asked to incur.
you see, people, i'm like a cat, a misunderstood cat, a cheshire cat. let's look at the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland. he would appear and disappear at will, and he always warned her of things to come, but she never listened. she always knew he was around because she could see his smile, but she never fully trusted such a mysterious creature. well, he was always laughing, which certainly didnt help, but it was she who misunderstood his levity. he could peer into the future to see where she'd do wrong and all he wanted was to aide her, but she would not listen. the days of me being alice are over. i am going to be the cheshire cat, and i will rest on the moon and attempt to help any who are wise enough to listen. but i will be smarter about when i appear, in order to always surrender the illusion of control to those who wish to obtain it. control is just an illusion like time, and i refuse to attempt to control either. i recognize both because it is necessary, but i will not fall victim to them as vices.
my family wants to control me, but they fail to recognize that they have little say in the matter. the only person who controls my life is my self; no one else. i'm tired of feeling like i am under their control, and i'm going to do everything i can to begin to be completely independent. it is something i have always desired, but for foolish reasons, i always felt i could rely on my family for assistance than to ask the government for the same. whatever remnants remained of the "boy" they once knew is no longer available to them. from now on, i will choose when i want to reveal my true self to them, but i already know they hate who i am, so it is easier to exist amongst them in silence. it is a simple game which every child knows works: the quiet game. the more quiet i remain, the more they have to recognize that i have done no wrong. if i speak no evil, there is none to perceive, only the projections of their fears and insecurities.
if i can convince others that i am a mute, then how do people know the sound of my voice? this whole time i never knew i was playing a game, because no one ever told me to my face. now that i have finally figured out the game and it's rules, i am the master of my domain, which is all that i survey. but i do not wish to govern, i simply wish to observe, and in so doing i am empowering my self to live as an artist, the greatest of all creators. my heart is my guide and happiness my goal, so let's keep things light and frolic in the wind, sweet warmth awaiting us when we finally find comfort. money is not the enemy, it is a necessity, which i have long ignored for humbler alternatives. even it has a remedy, because my thoughts abound and money-making ones appear frequently. all i need is a starting point and i will survive, to reference an amazing song.
it is a sad day for me, i simply cannot overstate it. i held such high hopes and beliefs for my family, but i now realize that i truly am alone in this world. i still have friends, thank goodness, but i must first alleviate my pain before i appear amongst them again in order to continue my life's work. i must reconcile this grief which weighs heavily on my heart.
edwin
it's a trick question, much like a lot of perplexing questions i ask. my personal favorite: we can do this the easy way or the hard way? this, again, is a trick, because the easy way isnt so easy and the hard way isnt that hard. it's a test of patience and understanding, and let's just say a lot of people fail it, but i aim to help them to understand my complicated ways. if i offered everyone the easiest way to do something i already know they will not always listen to what i have to say in order to accomplish their desired objective. it's a game i play in order to measure the value of the person in front of me. sure, it may sound manipulative, but how else is one supposed to determine the level of trust one can have with another person? i've often been accused of being too trustworthy, and while this is true, it has always led to a lesson with a hard-earned moral which has helped me to mature as a person.
case in point, my present situation.
i followed my heart and attempted to better myself for my family and i ended up heartbroken, or at least feeling this way. now, because i continue to refuse to follow convention i'm being alienated by the only people i have ever claimed to be serving, which are my family. it's a lovely way for them to show their appreciation. since i refuse to conform to their ideas of normality i'm deemed the bad guy. i'm given the unenviable task of succeeding as an outcast because i refuse to accept their help on their terms, regardless of the fact that it is meaningless help. to posture for the sake of pride is to spit in my face, and i consider it offensive that they should even attempt to question my intelligence. there is nothing left to hide, i'm aware of all of the flaws which make my existence and their own, and it has always felt like i am the only one who is willing to take accountability of this.
well, it's all over. there is no more niceness for me to share with my family. and as a result they have expedited the frustration, they are giving me more stress as has always been typical of them. it was foolish of me to believe that they would ever begin to attempt to understand me. to them, i have always been an enigma, because they have never chosen to listen to the explanations behind my rationale. it is seriously something which causes me heart-felt grief, and it's pathetic.
that was the purpose of yesterday's post. what does family mean to you, because i think of what it means to me and i have no clue. family is a word that is thrown around by too many people, and at the end of the day i am left alone. however, i blame no one. i blame my self for not building in a safety net. i knew that money would be the ruin of my connection with my family, and not because we would ever have too much of it, but because some would feel that we do not have enough of it. well, that day is finally upon me and i welcome it with open arms. i'm going to find the way to get on government assistance and i'm going to make something of my life. when one has no one else to turn to, there is always trusty uncle sam. i certainly qualify for being in a hardship, so we'll see what kind of lovely assistance i qualify for, including medical, which will hopefully help to settle some of the hospital bills i never asked to incur.
you see, people, i'm like a cat, a misunderstood cat, a cheshire cat. let's look at the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland. he would appear and disappear at will, and he always warned her of things to come, but she never listened. she always knew he was around because she could see his smile, but she never fully trusted such a mysterious creature. well, he was always laughing, which certainly didnt help, but it was she who misunderstood his levity. he could peer into the future to see where she'd do wrong and all he wanted was to aide her, but she would not listen. the days of me being alice are over. i am going to be the cheshire cat, and i will rest on the moon and attempt to help any who are wise enough to listen. but i will be smarter about when i appear, in order to always surrender the illusion of control to those who wish to obtain it. control is just an illusion like time, and i refuse to attempt to control either. i recognize both because it is necessary, but i will not fall victim to them as vices.
my family wants to control me, but they fail to recognize that they have little say in the matter. the only person who controls my life is my self; no one else. i'm tired of feeling like i am under their control, and i'm going to do everything i can to begin to be completely independent. it is something i have always desired, but for foolish reasons, i always felt i could rely on my family for assistance than to ask the government for the same. whatever remnants remained of the "boy" they once knew is no longer available to them. from now on, i will choose when i want to reveal my true self to them, but i already know they hate who i am, so it is easier to exist amongst them in silence. it is a simple game which every child knows works: the quiet game. the more quiet i remain, the more they have to recognize that i have done no wrong. if i speak no evil, there is none to perceive, only the projections of their fears and insecurities.
if i can convince others that i am a mute, then how do people know the sound of my voice? this whole time i never knew i was playing a game, because no one ever told me to my face. now that i have finally figured out the game and it's rules, i am the master of my domain, which is all that i survey. but i do not wish to govern, i simply wish to observe, and in so doing i am empowering my self to live as an artist, the greatest of all creators. my heart is my guide and happiness my goal, so let's keep things light and frolic in the wind, sweet warmth awaiting us when we finally find comfort. money is not the enemy, it is a necessity, which i have long ignored for humbler alternatives. even it has a remedy, because my thoughts abound and money-making ones appear frequently. all i need is a starting point and i will survive, to reference an amazing song.
it is a sad day for me, i simply cannot overstate it. i held such high hopes and beliefs for my family, but i now realize that i truly am alone in this world. i still have friends, thank goodness, but i must first alleviate my pain before i appear amongst them again in order to continue my life's work. i must reconcile this grief which weighs heavily on my heart.
edwin
no apologies for dissecting the word family...
my only disclaimer, as usual, is that if you're reading this you have agreed to read my raw thoughts, which i edit at my leisure; no complaining or whining if you get offended.
the question begs itself: what does family mean to you?
because right now i'm fed up and frustrated by my immediate family, my family by name. i say by name because we share the same name, or at least they know me well enough to call me their family member in public. this post is intended to be about them, but i will give shout outs right now to every friend who considers me to be an extended member of their family. let me take care of mine right now for a minute and we'll touch base when a brotha is no longer inundated with stress by his blood. seriously, people, the hood nigga (tracy morgan said i can use the word, quit your bellyachin'!) in me is coming out tonight, so be prepared, as usual, for surprises, because this brotha is really upset, and the only thing which has ever helped me to feel better is to write and be myself while doing it.
so appropriate that i consider every cultural expression to be a derivative of love, yet when i express this basic emotion to my immediate family members all they do is ask for more, without ever reciprocating it in the manner i feel is commensurate with the effort i put in. in short: i give way too much of my time and abilities to my family, and simply put, they do not deserve either anymore. i mean, for crying out loud, i thought family was supposed to support each other in their time of need. well, right now, after spending time in the hospital, and after following my own path, which led me to the hospital, all i'm asking for of my family is for them to listen to me. i get to decide what kind of help i need, not them. i get to decide what the exact causes were (stress, loving too much) which led me to the hospital, not them. it's preposterous just how ridiculously bad they're treating this situation. like, if i had the nerve to eat shit right now i'd pack a bag and go to a shelter in order to get away from the stress and lack of communication, but i'm not an ungrateful person, i'm just disappointed.
sure, blast the folks online, where they probably wont access the information, right? ha ha ha, that's why this is my blog; i get to write whatever i want. the only reason i write about any of this is because writing is my release, and it sure beats wanting to smoke weed to "forget my troubles." i smoke weed because it is a form of medicine which helps me to focus my talents and abilities, and once i have enough money i am going to obtain a medical marijuana card. people have common misconceptions about me, but when you read something on this blog, you are getting the truth straight from the horses mouth. yes, i am a horse *whinny*, ha ha ha.
to me, family is about giving each other time when we feel we'd rather be doing something else. it means helping someone whom you trust would do the same for you if you were in their position. however, since i'm a man of humble means and i have a terrible problem with asking for help, i never bother my friends with requests i feel immediate family members are better suited in filling. it doesnt seem reasonable to me that i should bother a friend with money when i know my own family members could fill the same basic needs, especially when they're the only ones to whom i've told everything. what makes the situation more pathetic is that i'm privy to all of the knowledge about them which makes me well qualified to ask them for help, because i know the answers to all of their problems, but do you think they listen? this is a 50-50, so you are guaranteed to get it right.
simple answer: no. my family has made it a special event to essentially ask for and then ignore my advice, with their disrespectful answer being simply that if i know so much how come i dont have any money? yes, a slap in the face to this humble philosopher, but believe me i will no longer accept much of their speak as worthy for my ears. not that i intend to ignore them completely, i'm just going to simplify everything for them so they have less chances to deny me the basic care they purport to be providing me. if it can be said that i'm smarter than the average bear, which my family tells me and i believe, then shouldnt it follow they should be seen as valuable assistance rather than as pests? they're not booboo so much as the ranger (hooray for yogi bear fans!), and you guys know how much yogi loooved to get his hands on them picnic baskets.
i am the same way. i'm trying to make enough money in order to survive living on my own while pursuing my dream of being a stand up comedian. sure, not exactly the glamorous life my mother envisions i can live if i go the traditional route, but couldnt any artist make the same complaint about their family? isnt that what i am, an artist? isnt the way i use words and art form, especially when they're used to make large groups of people to laugh, and subsequently to like me? how come none of my immediate family members gets this? how come they refuse to join me on my terms unless there's a built-in "carrot" to keep them entertained?
so many stupid questions i ask when the answer is simple: leave it all behind.
i made a commitment to myself when i was in the hospital that i would leave any person whom i deemed was creating stress in my life. this would refer specifically to my mother, whom i love more than any other woman on the planet, but whom lives in such a warped sense of reality that she'd rather ignore me and pretend it's doing me well than to meet what basic requests i've already made of her. denial is not only a river in egypt, as the joke goes. quite frankly, i should've made this decision years ago, if not weeks ago. maybe then i could've avoided the multiple trips to the hospital i made? maybe then i'd be sitting beside scarlett johansson right feeling like and believing that i am the luckiest guy in the world? instead, i'm sitting at home annoyed out of my mind that i fucked up the greatest entrance to an opening scene for any non-actor making their debut in this little movie i'm writing called "story of my life." you're going to love it, folks. scarlett's executive producing while i wear all of the other hats, like my favorite director of all time, woody allen, whom she made blush.
believe me, people, if i'm delusional, then my delusions make waaay too much sense. i didnt consciously think all of this through, because if i had i would've known to drop my immediate family for a new family a long time ago. or in other words, i didnt know about my "special powers" until about a month ago, and in order to fully comprehend them i HAD to spend those 11 days in the hospital. i feel like my friends, nadiya and scarlett, wanted me to. it felt like they were thanking me for accepting being taken to the psych ward in order for me to better learn about my mental health and the conditions under which i am considered to be "suffering."
my favorite is the diagnosis of bi-polar (true, which basically means "dont piss me off") with mania (seriously, the best feeling in the world) and some psychotic episodes (what happens when you piss me off. implied: i dont get upset unless others make me). people, when we break down the equation all the diagnosis means is that i have a condition, of which i am now fully aware, but it didnt have to get to the point where i was hospitalised for it. i admitted myself into the hospital and they put me in triage, but "someone" thought i should go to the psych ward at langley-porter, so i trusted their good advice and went along with it, even putting on a smiley face when my appeal to be released after three days was denied. i found the silver lining and said "someone is trying to tell me something" and just muscled through it, and i was almost rewarded by the night nurse *wink* on my final night there, had i simply stayed conscious instead of falling back asleep.
what does all of this mean? i'm willing to play by the rules others create, but i am constantly asking myself: when do i get to be in charge? when will others begin to understand that the ideas i give are worth more than the perception people receiving said ideas have of me? i am not an idiot, i just play the role really well, because i always focus on wanting to help others to be happy instead of just being selfish and hogging the spotlight all to myself. it's why when i was in the middle of one of my "delusions" i was confused that someone should ask me to leave my "old" things behind in favor of "new" ones. why can't people be more direct and specific with their requests? and isnt it better to have certain conversations with someone face-to-face, regardless of your identity? regardless of your perceived value to society? a philosopher sees everyone as being the same: worthy of being educated and to be learned from. we dont draw lines between "upper" and "lower" society. when i speak, i expect others to listen to me and to meet me halfway, be they celebrities, doctors, or *gulp* family members.
again...all of this has turned into a rant, but considering the way i've been feeling the past week, it's much needed.
i was practicing learning to prove einstein and i built in a safety net that once everyone started to treat me like i was crazy i would know i was succeeding. well, we've reached the point that pretty much every member of my immediate family thinks i'm crazy and is basically being nice to me in order to not piss me off. i would say we're getting there, but i'm disappointed because i thought that by playing the game according to the rules given to me i would be rewarded. turns out i was disappointed by the pair of women whom i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.
so recap: can't count on mom and had heart broken by the two women i believed were guiding me "home." where does that leave me? releasing my inner self and letting my inner light shine, like zion i taught me years ago (met zumbi and he is a cool motherfucker). do you want to know who i looked like to my cousin rick, on that fateful evening when i saw my inner light for the first time? he said i looked like scarlett johansson and all i saw when i looked at my reflection was my self. i'm not kidding you, but i'll have a difficult time getting rick to talk about it. i mean, he told me it hurt him a lot when i got taken away to the hospital the FIRST time, i can't even imagine how the poor kid felt when i got taken away a SECOND time and then stayed, voluntarily, for 11 days. he said to me "cuz, i didnt want to believe you were crazy, because i know you're not". practically broke me down to tears. he's a valued family member and all he wants is to see me happy with whom i told him he would soon see me (because i believed i was going to meet her via nadiya that night): scarlett johansson.
*laughs out loud*
*sigh*
if i didnt live the experiences my self, i too would think i was crazy. believe me, people. once we start asking the heavy hitting questions about HOW i ended up at the hospital the answers begin to perplex. wait a minute, how do i KNOW where to find scarlett johansson? doesnt she live in hollywood? how is she connected to my friend nadiya, and how would i know that they were connected somehow to begin with?
go ahead, folks, try and find the lie amongst the truth i've offered. ask me the questions you believe i havent answered in order to prove me wrong and i swear i'll go back on my medication believing it is the best thing in the world for me. the worst part was that i had an appointment to get my medical marijuana (the only real medicine, no respect to pharmaceuticals) card the week i was first placed into the hospital, courtesy of, you guessed it, scarlett johansson. i couldnt keep it and i subsequently ended up missing my appointment to donate blood, too, which means i let down a different group of people altogether because i was trying to satisfy the two most beautiful women in the world, as decided by me, thank you.
*laughs again*
as the song says nearing the end of "inner light" ... "this aint a game this is life." and i'm writing my life, so only i remember all of the fine details; only i know the sound of my own voice better than anyone, regardless of those who have access to my innermost thoughts. only i know when i'm being sarcastic or sincere, and it is the inability of others to trust me blindly as they have asked for me to do which has led directly to my gross dissatisfaction. i thought someone told me to my face that they thought they loved me? i thought i was playing a game where i would be declared the winner based on my ability to follow the rules of others.
it would appear the joke is on me, folks. especially as it stands with regards to the F word which everyone uses but very few people respect: family. i can now publicly say fuck in public and correct anyone who would claim that i was being rude (go along with me, it's a joke). the word family is more misused and used to abuse than the word fuck (an homage to mr carlin). if i say fuck in the right context, i WILL get your attention. meaning, fuck, i want to fuck, but fuck, there's no one to fuck. no problem with the context there, but i can make the whole room cringe in collective disgust if i mention the word family.
why do you think people both love and hate the holiday season? because everyone wants to put on a smiley face for their family even though it makes them uncomfortable to sit through painfully awkward conversations? do you want to know who i am in this example? i'm the ho-hum optimist who always has something nice to say about my family, even though i know they're the reason for a lot of my stress. you dont find many guys like me, and my personal stories are interesting, even if i hold a menial job. i can make the most uninteresting thing interesting, and i credit my self for having learned to do this on my own.
it's a question i often ask my family, but they never care for the answer: how come i am generally well liked by others? i've come to discover that this is the greatest gift i possess, and i'm going to make sure it pays me before i die. i will see my pound of flesh, as it was promised to me by me. i'm no no longer going to concern my self with the promises which were made to me, because i forgot my own rule: no promises made, none accepted. the moment i went against my built in safety nets was when trouble began to brew, because i believed my honest fear was easy to understand. apparently, i was wrong. it seemed perhaps someone was more interested in removing from me something which i never asked for (their breath), so now i will focus and vow to satisfy the only person who has been present every step of the way: my self.
i write the word self separately because it was proven to be separate by psychologists. freud introduced the concept, which was revolutionary for its time and remains as such to this day. people take so much shit for granted that they forget to thank their selves. i will no longer make this mistake. i cant afford to, because every time i follow someone else's rules i end up getting fucked (how else do you describe 11 days in the hospital when you were on the door step of your happiness). all i know is that someone owes me an apology, which they've avoided giving to me because for some reason they thought i should "pay" for making their life inconvenient for what seemed like an instant.
*shakes head*
the tone is all wrong, it's going to be easy for someone to misinterpret my good intentions...wait a minute, who cares?! this is my blog, remember? ha ha ha. people worry about the tone never understanding that it reveals their insecurities. sometimes nice things are said at high pitches, live with it. it's why you have to know what yelling sounds like and the reasons behind such behavior in order to understand people, but someone, to whom privileges were given before a certain age would fail to understand this. someone, to whom beauty is an empowerment and not a humbling quality, would fail to make sense of the hoi polloi (common people).
i took the road less traveled in order to return to the starting point of my choosing. i put my self through the muck on purpose, because i knew that when i finally made it back to the point from where i wanted to start writing my life, everything would make sense to me. i purposely designed my life's story as a solo journey, and i'm purposely writing all of this down for all of you to share in the experience. and since it is easy to remain anonymous, i want to thank all of you who have held bit parts and starring roles all of these years.
i especially want to thank everyone who has read every word of this blog, and of the previous incarnations as well. i have written countless words to express my unhappiness and dissatisfaction, but seldom have i openly shared the joy which i have found in my life. well, the joy is minimal at best right now, but it has been plentiful in the past, so i am simply saying that i want to return to those times in the future. i am going to make my life the happiest it has never been, and i will begin by focusing on my self first. i will stop wondering about psychic communication for the time being because it is my belief that i need a time out. who knows what the voices i no longer hear would say, but i have a sneaky suspicion they want me to leave them alone. how else can i explain the events of the past couple of weeks? it's possible i inadvertantly stumbled unto the most secret of secret societies and i never even knew i was an invited guest. well, if anyone wants to see me, they know my address, it's public.
i'm going back to mine. i'm going back to understanding cultural expression better than other person alive, and this time i'm going to make sure i get paid up front. that was the sucker version of me you met before. no more free services, the bartering system is back in effect. because when you're down and you think you're asking for help, you will also come to realize what the streets (a group) were saying on their album "a grand dont come for free": it was supposed to be so easy. i did everything that was asked of me and received nothing, so now i will follow my own happiness and begin to reap the rewards and benefits of which i am truly deserving.
i've applied for some jobs and will pull one down shortly and will go fast-forward with my plan of becoming a paid comedian. good comedians get considered for movie roles. successful movie stars comingle with others as such, and so, it should follow that if i dream my biggest dream and believe in my self more than i ever have in my life, one day i will be able to meet scarlett johansson "the old fashioned way" and then i can ignore her and say, with all honesty, she had her chance to meet me years ago, but she was always afraid to meet me in-person.
the level of detachment required for anyone to believe my delusions is unimaginable, because it is required that you be able to imagine infinite possibilities before you will be qualified to find my plane. and that's a joke as well, because when i fly, i fly alone. there isnt a woman alive whom i now consider to be worthy of co-pilot status. in fact, the only person who ever made the best co-pilot was my homeboy, mike nielsen, whom i consider to be my lifetime agent, held on a pro buono status, becaue i told him that when i finally called on him it would be because my wildest dreams were going to come true. believe me, that nigga has been with me through everything, and i can only imagine how much it has torn him up to know that i was in the hospital and he couldnt do a goddamn thing because he's busy chasing his dream. oh wait, i told him not to worry about me and i ended up in the hospital.
*heavy sigh*
i guess no matter how i try to put the finishing touches on this post it's going to end nasty. just remember that i'm very frustrated right now. imagine how you would feel if you felt like every person who asked you to respond to their basic questions refused to see your answers from your perspective. then imagine that you're someone who is typically counted on to keep things light and humorous, because every one loves your sense of humor. how alone would you feel in this world if you felt like your voice was completely misunderstood? where would you turn when you discovered your family cannot be counted on to take care of you the way they claimed they would your entire life? what would you meditate on in order to calm your self if you realized the only reliable thing in your life is your brain? as i jokingly tell my self while pointing to my head "that's my nigga brain right there, he's been with me through every thing." ha ha ha.
*sigh*
i think i can sleep now. i think i'm satisfied now. writing therapy has succeeded yet again. and to think of what i will be capable once all of my abilities have returned. then i will really seem delusional, because i will believe to have nothing which will enable me to receive everything. all of the greatest teachers were trying to teach the world some basic things, and i will continue my life's work in their breath. i will help to teach the world to laugh at its self, and goddamn if i dont turn it into a profitable venture. because i told my self that my ultimate life's ambition would be to make my self the most famous person from el salvador, which would elevate me into the pantheon of latino's in history.
this is how i choose to measure my self, and i believed that i could accomplish this goal with the help of my immediate family. how wrong i was, but i also told my self that 27 was the critical age when i had to stop fucking around. why 27? think of how many famous rock stars died at 27? jim morrison, jimi hendrix, janis joplin, curt cobain...greatness which has stood the test of time. and doesnt everyone wish to be treated like a rock star? i've been told i carry myself like a movie star, and that made me blush. damn drugs made me gain 15lbs, so i have to work at taking it off again, but, because i know how to do it, it wont be so hard.
for every problem there is a solution, and only i know all of the answers to my life. help and assistance are appreciated, but what i had to learn in the hospital was to be assertive. i intend to do just that.
as i wrote on my facebook page:
no more moping, if you dont like what i say or do, leave me alone. i am not interested in dissenting opinions, i want constructive critics, not jealousy. your fear is not my own; i can imagine infinite possibilities, so aide me if you care for me, dont get in my way...
'nuff said,
edwin
the question begs itself: what does family mean to you?
because right now i'm fed up and frustrated by my immediate family, my family by name. i say by name because we share the same name, or at least they know me well enough to call me their family member in public. this post is intended to be about them, but i will give shout outs right now to every friend who considers me to be an extended member of their family. let me take care of mine right now for a minute and we'll touch base when a brotha is no longer inundated with stress by his blood. seriously, people, the hood nigga (tracy morgan said i can use the word, quit your bellyachin'!) in me is coming out tonight, so be prepared, as usual, for surprises, because this brotha is really upset, and the only thing which has ever helped me to feel better is to write and be myself while doing it.
so appropriate that i consider every cultural expression to be a derivative of love, yet when i express this basic emotion to my immediate family members all they do is ask for more, without ever reciprocating it in the manner i feel is commensurate with the effort i put in. in short: i give way too much of my time and abilities to my family, and simply put, they do not deserve either anymore. i mean, for crying out loud, i thought family was supposed to support each other in their time of need. well, right now, after spending time in the hospital, and after following my own path, which led me to the hospital, all i'm asking for of my family is for them to listen to me. i get to decide what kind of help i need, not them. i get to decide what the exact causes were (stress, loving too much) which led me to the hospital, not them. it's preposterous just how ridiculously bad they're treating this situation. like, if i had the nerve to eat shit right now i'd pack a bag and go to a shelter in order to get away from the stress and lack of communication, but i'm not an ungrateful person, i'm just disappointed.
sure, blast the folks online, where they probably wont access the information, right? ha ha ha, that's why this is my blog; i get to write whatever i want. the only reason i write about any of this is because writing is my release, and it sure beats wanting to smoke weed to "forget my troubles." i smoke weed because it is a form of medicine which helps me to focus my talents and abilities, and once i have enough money i am going to obtain a medical marijuana card. people have common misconceptions about me, but when you read something on this blog, you are getting the truth straight from the horses mouth. yes, i am a horse *whinny*, ha ha ha.
to me, family is about giving each other time when we feel we'd rather be doing something else. it means helping someone whom you trust would do the same for you if you were in their position. however, since i'm a man of humble means and i have a terrible problem with asking for help, i never bother my friends with requests i feel immediate family members are better suited in filling. it doesnt seem reasonable to me that i should bother a friend with money when i know my own family members could fill the same basic needs, especially when they're the only ones to whom i've told everything. what makes the situation more pathetic is that i'm privy to all of the knowledge about them which makes me well qualified to ask them for help, because i know the answers to all of their problems, but do you think they listen? this is a 50-50, so you are guaranteed to get it right.
simple answer: no. my family has made it a special event to essentially ask for and then ignore my advice, with their disrespectful answer being simply that if i know so much how come i dont have any money? yes, a slap in the face to this humble philosopher, but believe me i will no longer accept much of their speak as worthy for my ears. not that i intend to ignore them completely, i'm just going to simplify everything for them so they have less chances to deny me the basic care they purport to be providing me. if it can be said that i'm smarter than the average bear, which my family tells me and i believe, then shouldnt it follow they should be seen as valuable assistance rather than as pests? they're not booboo so much as the ranger (hooray for yogi bear fans!), and you guys know how much yogi loooved to get his hands on them picnic baskets.
i am the same way. i'm trying to make enough money in order to survive living on my own while pursuing my dream of being a stand up comedian. sure, not exactly the glamorous life my mother envisions i can live if i go the traditional route, but couldnt any artist make the same complaint about their family? isnt that what i am, an artist? isnt the way i use words and art form, especially when they're used to make large groups of people to laugh, and subsequently to like me? how come none of my immediate family members gets this? how come they refuse to join me on my terms unless there's a built-in "carrot" to keep them entertained?
so many stupid questions i ask when the answer is simple: leave it all behind.
i made a commitment to myself when i was in the hospital that i would leave any person whom i deemed was creating stress in my life. this would refer specifically to my mother, whom i love more than any other woman on the planet, but whom lives in such a warped sense of reality that she'd rather ignore me and pretend it's doing me well than to meet what basic requests i've already made of her. denial is not only a river in egypt, as the joke goes. quite frankly, i should've made this decision years ago, if not weeks ago. maybe then i could've avoided the multiple trips to the hospital i made? maybe then i'd be sitting beside scarlett johansson right feeling like and believing that i am the luckiest guy in the world? instead, i'm sitting at home annoyed out of my mind that i fucked up the greatest entrance to an opening scene for any non-actor making their debut in this little movie i'm writing called "story of my life." you're going to love it, folks. scarlett's executive producing while i wear all of the other hats, like my favorite director of all time, woody allen, whom she made blush.
believe me, people, if i'm delusional, then my delusions make waaay too much sense. i didnt consciously think all of this through, because if i had i would've known to drop my immediate family for a new family a long time ago. or in other words, i didnt know about my "special powers" until about a month ago, and in order to fully comprehend them i HAD to spend those 11 days in the hospital. i feel like my friends, nadiya and scarlett, wanted me to. it felt like they were thanking me for accepting being taken to the psych ward in order for me to better learn about my mental health and the conditions under which i am considered to be "suffering."
my favorite is the diagnosis of bi-polar (true, which basically means "dont piss me off") with mania (seriously, the best feeling in the world) and some psychotic episodes (what happens when you piss me off. implied: i dont get upset unless others make me). people, when we break down the equation all the diagnosis means is that i have a condition, of which i am now fully aware, but it didnt have to get to the point where i was hospitalised for it. i admitted myself into the hospital and they put me in triage, but "someone" thought i should go to the psych ward at langley-porter, so i trusted their good advice and went along with it, even putting on a smiley face when my appeal to be released after three days was denied. i found the silver lining and said "someone is trying to tell me something" and just muscled through it, and i was almost rewarded by the night nurse *wink* on my final night there, had i simply stayed conscious instead of falling back asleep.
what does all of this mean? i'm willing to play by the rules others create, but i am constantly asking myself: when do i get to be in charge? when will others begin to understand that the ideas i give are worth more than the perception people receiving said ideas have of me? i am not an idiot, i just play the role really well, because i always focus on wanting to help others to be happy instead of just being selfish and hogging the spotlight all to myself. it's why when i was in the middle of one of my "delusions" i was confused that someone should ask me to leave my "old" things behind in favor of "new" ones. why can't people be more direct and specific with their requests? and isnt it better to have certain conversations with someone face-to-face, regardless of your identity? regardless of your perceived value to society? a philosopher sees everyone as being the same: worthy of being educated and to be learned from. we dont draw lines between "upper" and "lower" society. when i speak, i expect others to listen to me and to meet me halfway, be they celebrities, doctors, or *gulp* family members.
again...all of this has turned into a rant, but considering the way i've been feeling the past week, it's much needed.
i was practicing learning to prove einstein and i built in a safety net that once everyone started to treat me like i was crazy i would know i was succeeding. well, we've reached the point that pretty much every member of my immediate family thinks i'm crazy and is basically being nice to me in order to not piss me off. i would say we're getting there, but i'm disappointed because i thought that by playing the game according to the rules given to me i would be rewarded. turns out i was disappointed by the pair of women whom i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.
so recap: can't count on mom and had heart broken by the two women i believed were guiding me "home." where does that leave me? releasing my inner self and letting my inner light shine, like zion i taught me years ago (met zumbi and he is a cool motherfucker). do you want to know who i looked like to my cousin rick, on that fateful evening when i saw my inner light for the first time? he said i looked like scarlett johansson and all i saw when i looked at my reflection was my self. i'm not kidding you, but i'll have a difficult time getting rick to talk about it. i mean, he told me it hurt him a lot when i got taken away to the hospital the FIRST time, i can't even imagine how the poor kid felt when i got taken away a SECOND time and then stayed, voluntarily, for 11 days. he said to me "cuz, i didnt want to believe you were crazy, because i know you're not". practically broke me down to tears. he's a valued family member and all he wants is to see me happy with whom i told him he would soon see me (because i believed i was going to meet her via nadiya that night): scarlett johansson.
*laughs out loud*
*sigh*
if i didnt live the experiences my self, i too would think i was crazy. believe me, people. once we start asking the heavy hitting questions about HOW i ended up at the hospital the answers begin to perplex. wait a minute, how do i KNOW where to find scarlett johansson? doesnt she live in hollywood? how is she connected to my friend nadiya, and how would i know that they were connected somehow to begin with?
go ahead, folks, try and find the lie amongst the truth i've offered. ask me the questions you believe i havent answered in order to prove me wrong and i swear i'll go back on my medication believing it is the best thing in the world for me. the worst part was that i had an appointment to get my medical marijuana (the only real medicine, no respect to pharmaceuticals) card the week i was first placed into the hospital, courtesy of, you guessed it, scarlett johansson. i couldnt keep it and i subsequently ended up missing my appointment to donate blood, too, which means i let down a different group of people altogether because i was trying to satisfy the two most beautiful women in the world, as decided by me, thank you.
*laughs again*
as the song says nearing the end of "inner light" ... "this aint a game this is life." and i'm writing my life, so only i remember all of the fine details; only i know the sound of my own voice better than anyone, regardless of those who have access to my innermost thoughts. only i know when i'm being sarcastic or sincere, and it is the inability of others to trust me blindly as they have asked for me to do which has led directly to my gross dissatisfaction. i thought someone told me to my face that they thought they loved me? i thought i was playing a game where i would be declared the winner based on my ability to follow the rules of others.
it would appear the joke is on me, folks. especially as it stands with regards to the F word which everyone uses but very few people respect: family. i can now publicly say fuck in public and correct anyone who would claim that i was being rude (go along with me, it's a joke). the word family is more misused and used to abuse than the word fuck (an homage to mr carlin). if i say fuck in the right context, i WILL get your attention. meaning, fuck, i want to fuck, but fuck, there's no one to fuck. no problem with the context there, but i can make the whole room cringe in collective disgust if i mention the word family.
why do you think people both love and hate the holiday season? because everyone wants to put on a smiley face for their family even though it makes them uncomfortable to sit through painfully awkward conversations? do you want to know who i am in this example? i'm the ho-hum optimist who always has something nice to say about my family, even though i know they're the reason for a lot of my stress. you dont find many guys like me, and my personal stories are interesting, even if i hold a menial job. i can make the most uninteresting thing interesting, and i credit my self for having learned to do this on my own.
it's a question i often ask my family, but they never care for the answer: how come i am generally well liked by others? i've come to discover that this is the greatest gift i possess, and i'm going to make sure it pays me before i die. i will see my pound of flesh, as it was promised to me by me. i'm no no longer going to concern my self with the promises which were made to me, because i forgot my own rule: no promises made, none accepted. the moment i went against my built in safety nets was when trouble began to brew, because i believed my honest fear was easy to understand. apparently, i was wrong. it seemed perhaps someone was more interested in removing from me something which i never asked for (their breath), so now i will focus and vow to satisfy the only person who has been present every step of the way: my self.
i write the word self separately because it was proven to be separate by psychologists. freud introduced the concept, which was revolutionary for its time and remains as such to this day. people take so much shit for granted that they forget to thank their selves. i will no longer make this mistake. i cant afford to, because every time i follow someone else's rules i end up getting fucked (how else do you describe 11 days in the hospital when you were on the door step of your happiness). all i know is that someone owes me an apology, which they've avoided giving to me because for some reason they thought i should "pay" for making their life inconvenient for what seemed like an instant.
*shakes head*
the tone is all wrong, it's going to be easy for someone to misinterpret my good intentions...wait a minute, who cares?! this is my blog, remember? ha ha ha. people worry about the tone never understanding that it reveals their insecurities. sometimes nice things are said at high pitches, live with it. it's why you have to know what yelling sounds like and the reasons behind such behavior in order to understand people, but someone, to whom privileges were given before a certain age would fail to understand this. someone, to whom beauty is an empowerment and not a humbling quality, would fail to make sense of the hoi polloi (common people).
i took the road less traveled in order to return to the starting point of my choosing. i put my self through the muck on purpose, because i knew that when i finally made it back to the point from where i wanted to start writing my life, everything would make sense to me. i purposely designed my life's story as a solo journey, and i'm purposely writing all of this down for all of you to share in the experience. and since it is easy to remain anonymous, i want to thank all of you who have held bit parts and starring roles all of these years.
i especially want to thank everyone who has read every word of this blog, and of the previous incarnations as well. i have written countless words to express my unhappiness and dissatisfaction, but seldom have i openly shared the joy which i have found in my life. well, the joy is minimal at best right now, but it has been plentiful in the past, so i am simply saying that i want to return to those times in the future. i am going to make my life the happiest it has never been, and i will begin by focusing on my self first. i will stop wondering about psychic communication for the time being because it is my belief that i need a time out. who knows what the voices i no longer hear would say, but i have a sneaky suspicion they want me to leave them alone. how else can i explain the events of the past couple of weeks? it's possible i inadvertantly stumbled unto the most secret of secret societies and i never even knew i was an invited guest. well, if anyone wants to see me, they know my address, it's public.
i'm going back to mine. i'm going back to understanding cultural expression better than other person alive, and this time i'm going to make sure i get paid up front. that was the sucker version of me you met before. no more free services, the bartering system is back in effect. because when you're down and you think you're asking for help, you will also come to realize what the streets (a group) were saying on their album "a grand dont come for free": it was supposed to be so easy. i did everything that was asked of me and received nothing, so now i will follow my own happiness and begin to reap the rewards and benefits of which i am truly deserving.
i've applied for some jobs and will pull one down shortly and will go fast-forward with my plan of becoming a paid comedian. good comedians get considered for movie roles. successful movie stars comingle with others as such, and so, it should follow that if i dream my biggest dream and believe in my self more than i ever have in my life, one day i will be able to meet scarlett johansson "the old fashioned way" and then i can ignore her and say, with all honesty, she had her chance to meet me years ago, but she was always afraid to meet me in-person.
the level of detachment required for anyone to believe my delusions is unimaginable, because it is required that you be able to imagine infinite possibilities before you will be qualified to find my plane. and that's a joke as well, because when i fly, i fly alone. there isnt a woman alive whom i now consider to be worthy of co-pilot status. in fact, the only person who ever made the best co-pilot was my homeboy, mike nielsen, whom i consider to be my lifetime agent, held on a pro buono status, becaue i told him that when i finally called on him it would be because my wildest dreams were going to come true. believe me, that nigga has been with me through everything, and i can only imagine how much it has torn him up to know that i was in the hospital and he couldnt do a goddamn thing because he's busy chasing his dream. oh wait, i told him not to worry about me and i ended up in the hospital.
*heavy sigh*
i guess no matter how i try to put the finishing touches on this post it's going to end nasty. just remember that i'm very frustrated right now. imagine how you would feel if you felt like every person who asked you to respond to their basic questions refused to see your answers from your perspective. then imagine that you're someone who is typically counted on to keep things light and humorous, because every one loves your sense of humor. how alone would you feel in this world if you felt like your voice was completely misunderstood? where would you turn when you discovered your family cannot be counted on to take care of you the way they claimed they would your entire life? what would you meditate on in order to calm your self if you realized the only reliable thing in your life is your brain? as i jokingly tell my self while pointing to my head "that's my nigga brain right there, he's been with me through every thing." ha ha ha.
*sigh*
i think i can sleep now. i think i'm satisfied now. writing therapy has succeeded yet again. and to think of what i will be capable once all of my abilities have returned. then i will really seem delusional, because i will believe to have nothing which will enable me to receive everything. all of the greatest teachers were trying to teach the world some basic things, and i will continue my life's work in their breath. i will help to teach the world to laugh at its self, and goddamn if i dont turn it into a profitable venture. because i told my self that my ultimate life's ambition would be to make my self the most famous person from el salvador, which would elevate me into the pantheon of latino's in history.
this is how i choose to measure my self, and i believed that i could accomplish this goal with the help of my immediate family. how wrong i was, but i also told my self that 27 was the critical age when i had to stop fucking around. why 27? think of how many famous rock stars died at 27? jim morrison, jimi hendrix, janis joplin, curt cobain...greatness which has stood the test of time. and doesnt everyone wish to be treated like a rock star? i've been told i carry myself like a movie star, and that made me blush. damn drugs made me gain 15lbs, so i have to work at taking it off again, but, because i know how to do it, it wont be so hard.
for every problem there is a solution, and only i know all of the answers to my life. help and assistance are appreciated, but what i had to learn in the hospital was to be assertive. i intend to do just that.
as i wrote on my facebook page:
no more moping, if you dont like what i say or do, leave me alone. i am not interested in dissenting opinions, i want constructive critics, not jealousy. your fear is not my own; i can imagine infinite possibilities, so aide me if you care for me, dont get in my way...
'nuff said,
edwin
Sunday, April 25, 2010
birth of the bi-polar bear...
that's the nickname i came up with for myself many years ago in college when someone mentioned to me that i exhibited symptoms of bi-polar. little did i know the value of such words and how my life has come full circle since then. in some ways it's tragic, but i'd prefer to say this story has yet to really be written in the way that i envision.
the more i research bi-polar, the more i want to live with it without pharmaceutical assistance. simply put, none of this is working. i'm beginning to doubt the initial hope i'd had that i could manage to be myself while on lithium. turns out it puts me in a mental fog where i can barely manage the energy to perform basic tasks, like giving a damn. this is not me, people. and i am writing write now while on lithium just to prove to myself that my mind is stronger than this potentially deadly drug. how strong must i be to fight through difficult side-effects, the likes of which are rendering me plain and uninteresting (even the right word?)? who cares, because i know what i'm passionate about and i'm not able to feel it right now; it's downright depressing.
i tried explaining the full events of the past couple of weeks to my brother tonight and even he admitted to my face that it was "a little difficult to believe everything [i] have to say." this is my life, folks. i give a damn for people who ultimately prove to be unworthy of the love i feel for them. almost as if every immediate member is saying "dude, get a job, be productive, and quit being a bother." they dont understand what i've seen, where i've been, and that it is all real. they want to side with psychiatrists who wont even take the time to prove to me they believe in the higher level concepts of which i speak. and everyone who claims to be qualified to speak on my behalf tries to convince me that everything i've been through was a delusion. um...if you ask me, i've experienced certain things which no person would consider a delusion. in fact, some events have been witnessed by others -- how's that for a delusion.
in short, i'm quickly getting to the end of my rope. and it's a goddamn shame that every time i've had the chance to shed my immediate family i've opted to consider them in my final thought process. with the exception of the mistakes i have made throughout this process, i must admit i should've listened to the advice of interested parties. damn me for being so full of love, and for not knowing calm before. i'm certainly going to consider things with my own personal happiness in mind first, second, and third, because as of this writing it is killing me to still be at home, when i know i could be somewhere else with the two women i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.
instead i feel castrated, unable to think clearly or to rely on the powers i believe to possess, as ridiculous as any of it may sound to you all. does no one remember einstein's theory of relativity and his concept of the 4th dimension? or have i simply surpassed those around me in free-spirited thinking? i honestly refuse to believe that i'm "better" now with the lithium than i was before i ended up in the hospital. surely, there is a greater message at stake that i'm accidentally butchering.
i'm at the point of tears i feel like i dont know what to do. it's not fair that i should know myself so well and have allowed myself to have gotten wrapped up in a cruel game of misdirection and lies. why do i firmly believe that i must not allow doubt to enter my mind? and how come people are so afraid of bi-polar that they feel the need to put "sufferers" on pharmaceuticals? if it can be assumed that it has existed long before pharmaceuticals became the rage, shouldnt it follow that "sufferers" learned to control their symptoms in order to lead healthy and fulfilling lives?
i want to make the world laugh and i'm confident i can succeed at such an endeavor, but on lithium i basically feel like i dont give a damn to do anything, much less to find the energy to laugh at my current situation. this isnt me, people. i'm funny simply by the way i throw my voice to say hello to someone. i'm the guy who can make the shyest person come out of their shell. and right now it's all nothing. i basically have one mood and that's indifference, which leads to unhappiness because i recognize that something is severely wrong with the mood i'm feeling and exhibiting. i told them i would only take lithium until i felt it was no longer allowing me to be myself. well, i believe we're here, folks, and it happened much faster than expected.
i was able to do things before which i can no longer do, and that was the first and last straw i said i wanted thrown out. i recognize that a line has to be drawn, so i must draw it, and i'll be damned if anyone trys to tell me otherwise. i'm the one taking the drug and i dont believe it is benefitting me one bit. i am perfectly capable of controlling all of my own moods. i've been doing it my entire life, and if i needed a reminder that i needed to slow down on my new path, then i've gotten the message. but i will not allow myself to believe that everything i lived in the weeks before i was hospitalised was for naught. i refuse to submit to a system in which i have never believed. doctors and psychiatrists are sparring partners, not trusted friends. we see the world through very different eyes, but we SEE the world, and i am the one who knows how people fit, even the crazy ones. when this perception began to change i knew it was because i allowed for it to change.
i jokingly refer to myself as hannibal lecter at times because i know i'm capable of getting inside anyones head. lately, i havent even been able to get into my own. no mas, as roberto duran once said famously; no mas...
edwin
the more i research bi-polar, the more i want to live with it without pharmaceutical assistance. simply put, none of this is working. i'm beginning to doubt the initial hope i'd had that i could manage to be myself while on lithium. turns out it puts me in a mental fog where i can barely manage the energy to perform basic tasks, like giving a damn. this is not me, people. and i am writing write now while on lithium just to prove to myself that my mind is stronger than this potentially deadly drug. how strong must i be to fight through difficult side-effects, the likes of which are rendering me plain and uninteresting (even the right word?)? who cares, because i know what i'm passionate about and i'm not able to feel it right now; it's downright depressing.
i tried explaining the full events of the past couple of weeks to my brother tonight and even he admitted to my face that it was "a little difficult to believe everything [i] have to say." this is my life, folks. i give a damn for people who ultimately prove to be unworthy of the love i feel for them. almost as if every immediate member is saying "dude, get a job, be productive, and quit being a bother." they dont understand what i've seen, where i've been, and that it is all real. they want to side with psychiatrists who wont even take the time to prove to me they believe in the higher level concepts of which i speak. and everyone who claims to be qualified to speak on my behalf tries to convince me that everything i've been through was a delusion. um...if you ask me, i've experienced certain things which no person would consider a delusion. in fact, some events have been witnessed by others -- how's that for a delusion.
in short, i'm quickly getting to the end of my rope. and it's a goddamn shame that every time i've had the chance to shed my immediate family i've opted to consider them in my final thought process. with the exception of the mistakes i have made throughout this process, i must admit i should've listened to the advice of interested parties. damn me for being so full of love, and for not knowing calm before. i'm certainly going to consider things with my own personal happiness in mind first, second, and third, because as of this writing it is killing me to still be at home, when i know i could be somewhere else with the two women i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.
instead i feel castrated, unable to think clearly or to rely on the powers i believe to possess, as ridiculous as any of it may sound to you all. does no one remember einstein's theory of relativity and his concept of the 4th dimension? or have i simply surpassed those around me in free-spirited thinking? i honestly refuse to believe that i'm "better" now with the lithium than i was before i ended up in the hospital. surely, there is a greater message at stake that i'm accidentally butchering.
i'm at the point of tears i feel like i dont know what to do. it's not fair that i should know myself so well and have allowed myself to have gotten wrapped up in a cruel game of misdirection and lies. why do i firmly believe that i must not allow doubt to enter my mind? and how come people are so afraid of bi-polar that they feel the need to put "sufferers" on pharmaceuticals? if it can be assumed that it has existed long before pharmaceuticals became the rage, shouldnt it follow that "sufferers" learned to control their symptoms in order to lead healthy and fulfilling lives?
i want to make the world laugh and i'm confident i can succeed at such an endeavor, but on lithium i basically feel like i dont give a damn to do anything, much less to find the energy to laugh at my current situation. this isnt me, people. i'm funny simply by the way i throw my voice to say hello to someone. i'm the guy who can make the shyest person come out of their shell. and right now it's all nothing. i basically have one mood and that's indifference, which leads to unhappiness because i recognize that something is severely wrong with the mood i'm feeling and exhibiting. i told them i would only take lithium until i felt it was no longer allowing me to be myself. well, i believe we're here, folks, and it happened much faster than expected.
i was able to do things before which i can no longer do, and that was the first and last straw i said i wanted thrown out. i recognize that a line has to be drawn, so i must draw it, and i'll be damned if anyone trys to tell me otherwise. i'm the one taking the drug and i dont believe it is benefitting me one bit. i am perfectly capable of controlling all of my own moods. i've been doing it my entire life, and if i needed a reminder that i needed to slow down on my new path, then i've gotten the message. but i will not allow myself to believe that everything i lived in the weeks before i was hospitalised was for naught. i refuse to submit to a system in which i have never believed. doctors and psychiatrists are sparring partners, not trusted friends. we see the world through very different eyes, but we SEE the world, and i am the one who knows how people fit, even the crazy ones. when this perception began to change i knew it was because i allowed for it to change.
i jokingly refer to myself as hannibal lecter at times because i know i'm capable of getting inside anyones head. lately, i havent even been able to get into my own. no mas, as roberto duran once said famously; no mas...
edwin
Saturday, April 24, 2010
i say i'm normal, you think i'm crazy...
so i had to make the subject line for this blog post a little bit humorous to counteract the doldrums i've been feeling since i got discharged on wednesday. truth be told, i made a mess of my life by not giving myself a safety net and now i'm reacting like a 4 year old when i should really be an adult about all of this. nothing serious is wrong, beyond being broke, not having money to pay my cell phone bill, and needing a job to pay for insurance and other necessities which will bring me back my liberty.
but i can't help but feel like things are possibly worse because the end result i desired was not obtained. that is such a childish way to react, but it's my honesty in reporting such behavior that others tell me separates me from the rest. "honesty is the best policy", reads the sub-header to my blog, and the honest truth is i feel like i've put myself through the ringer in trying to meet scarlett but perhaps she has not been ready to meet me? or maybe her overall message was to get me to slow down enough to realize i needed help to stabilize my moods? or who knows, really, because all of this guessing and hypothesizing is not healthy for me right now, and i really should just focus on improving my life and letting the other pieces put themselves together on their own.
so who wrote the anonymous response saying that once i figured out who it was i would buy them a meal? *shrugs* at this point, because of the lack of power in my life (no car, no money, no funny; he he he) it might be better if i just stick to what i know. and what i know is that i've made some pretty amazing things happen when i was happy. it's just that right now i'm having the most difficult time finding that happiness again. i really fucked things up for myself, and it is the fact that money is involved in order to improve my personal situation that really makes me sad. i dont have any money, my parents are playing at not having any, and my dumbass is too hard-headed to ask one of my brothers for assistance.
this is where i wish there was some community fund, or something, where one could just take what little one needed, but, alas, socialism is still some years away. *shakes head* oh how beautiful the day will be when the true value of money (none) is known and people can stop feeling depressed or empowered because of it. i dream of the day when people can do anything they want and money will literally be no issue. until then, i have to remember to put on my "big boy pants" and deal with life. nothing i'm dealing with is worth the stress i'm putting on myself, but it may also have something to do with the fact that it is somewhat serious. serious in that it is important, but not serious in that it requires me to obsess over it. but i must admit, i've put myself in a position i told myself i never wanted to reach, so for that i take full accountability.
it is the fact that i know what i've been through, what i've seen, and what was said to me through third parties that makes me feel so passionate about everything. i've had experiences which would make most men blush to even have to consider, but for me it's just another thing i have to accept as truth and real. however, at this point, i feel spent; in every sense of the word. spent my money and time trying to solve this riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery, and where once my super-human thought processing skills reigned supreme, i now feel impotent to think; a truly sad diagnosis for a philosopher.
so many questions, so little answers, and i cant help but to feel that the doubt which is flanking my thought process has a reason for existing. one can only subsist on water and crackers for so long, before the body yearns for the juicy steak it was promised. i'm going to focus more on making myself happy now, versus looking outwards as i've been doing for almost 2 months. i sincerely feel empty and it's killing me to not have something to place in this crater, which i've decided it would be best for me to fill slowly on my own.
i'll continue updating you all about my emotions, but i'm definitely feeling sad, and it's something i was hoping had come and gone in this process, because i thought i had been good and honest with who i am in order for things to play out for me the way i believe i deserve. perhaps someone else does not think so? perhaps an apology is expected of me? i'm sorry for any pain i've caused, it certainly was not my intention. then again, i'm writing this out loud and to no one, since i'm not even sure who my entire audience is. *shrug* it's just one more thing i should waste no time worrying about.
perhaps it is time to take a break until everything appears to make sense to me again. i dont know, and we'll let time and life tell me what should be best, since i'm no good with spirits and the supernatural...
edwin
but i can't help but feel like things are possibly worse because the end result i desired was not obtained. that is such a childish way to react, but it's my honesty in reporting such behavior that others tell me separates me from the rest. "honesty is the best policy", reads the sub-header to my blog, and the honest truth is i feel like i've put myself through the ringer in trying to meet scarlett but perhaps she has not been ready to meet me? or maybe her overall message was to get me to slow down enough to realize i needed help to stabilize my moods? or who knows, really, because all of this guessing and hypothesizing is not healthy for me right now, and i really should just focus on improving my life and letting the other pieces put themselves together on their own.
so who wrote the anonymous response saying that once i figured out who it was i would buy them a meal? *shrugs* at this point, because of the lack of power in my life (no car, no money, no funny; he he he) it might be better if i just stick to what i know. and what i know is that i've made some pretty amazing things happen when i was happy. it's just that right now i'm having the most difficult time finding that happiness again. i really fucked things up for myself, and it is the fact that money is involved in order to improve my personal situation that really makes me sad. i dont have any money, my parents are playing at not having any, and my dumbass is too hard-headed to ask one of my brothers for assistance.
this is where i wish there was some community fund, or something, where one could just take what little one needed, but, alas, socialism is still some years away. *shakes head* oh how beautiful the day will be when the true value of money (none) is known and people can stop feeling depressed or empowered because of it. i dream of the day when people can do anything they want and money will literally be no issue. until then, i have to remember to put on my "big boy pants" and deal with life. nothing i'm dealing with is worth the stress i'm putting on myself, but it may also have something to do with the fact that it is somewhat serious. serious in that it is important, but not serious in that it requires me to obsess over it. but i must admit, i've put myself in a position i told myself i never wanted to reach, so for that i take full accountability.
it is the fact that i know what i've been through, what i've seen, and what was said to me through third parties that makes me feel so passionate about everything. i've had experiences which would make most men blush to even have to consider, but for me it's just another thing i have to accept as truth and real. however, at this point, i feel spent; in every sense of the word. spent my money and time trying to solve this riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery, and where once my super-human thought processing skills reigned supreme, i now feel impotent to think; a truly sad diagnosis for a philosopher.
so many questions, so little answers, and i cant help but to feel that the doubt which is flanking my thought process has a reason for existing. one can only subsist on water and crackers for so long, before the body yearns for the juicy steak it was promised. i'm going to focus more on making myself happy now, versus looking outwards as i've been doing for almost 2 months. i sincerely feel empty and it's killing me to not have something to place in this crater, which i've decided it would be best for me to fill slowly on my own.
i'll continue updating you all about my emotions, but i'm definitely feeling sad, and it's something i was hoping had come and gone in this process, because i thought i had been good and honest with who i am in order for things to play out for me the way i believe i deserve. perhaps someone else does not think so? perhaps an apology is expected of me? i'm sorry for any pain i've caused, it certainly was not my intention. then again, i'm writing this out loud and to no one, since i'm not even sure who my entire audience is. *shrug* it's just one more thing i should waste no time worrying about.
perhaps it is time to take a break until everything appears to make sense to me again. i dont know, and we'll let time and life tell me what should be best, since i'm no good with spirits and the supernatural...
edwin
Thursday, April 22, 2010
11 days in the hospital...*pure imagination*
the above song is dedicated to this blog post. it is called "pure imagination" by anthony newley from the willy wonka and the chocolate factory soundtrack. in case you have not seen the movie, it is an older movie from the 70's, when a lot of crazy things happened and certain movies for kids were greenlit which were trippy in nature that would otherwise not have been greenlit in previous decades. trust me, it is easy to take the movie for granted, just like it is easy to take our civil liberties for granted. and in honor of the spirit of this post, it is just as easy to take life for granted when we do not slow down to consider all of our actions.
*clears throat*
at long last i will attempt to share with all of you just exactly what i am working on. please understand that i have spent the previous 11 days in the hospital, which is why i have not been posting further updates to my blog. i stayed at Langley-Porter on Parnassus at UCSF and they were extremely kind with their treatment of me. i met a lot of really nice doctors, nurses, med students, and inpatients as well, and i couldnt be happier with the way every thing played out. i had every thing taken care of in order for me to focus on my mental health, which i must now share with you was not doing too well. part of it was that i was traveling at a speed which is too fast for life and a part of it was that i was not taking the necessary time to learn to travel at such a high personal velocity.
my belief is that i travel at a personal speed which is incredibly fast compared to those of others. however, in so doing, all the regular laws of physics are altered and i must learn to adjust them to my personal speed. this is made difficult because my entire life i've been an auto-didact and i hardly ever take time to learn from others some of the most essential personal skills, like asking for help, for example. a special skill like this is essential to someone like me, a philosopher, because it enables me to be friends with others who are either just like me or wish to learn to become just like me. in either case, a lack of knowing how to ask and an assertiveness with which to do it can be truly detrimental to one's mental health.
i had to learn all of this in a psychotic episode which was spurred by my current mission, which i have chosen to accept (reference to mission: impossible), but i guess i forgot to discard the message because it certainly feels like it self-destructed on me.
here's the juicy part: i'm in the middle of trying to learn to meet scarlett johansson. read that part again and then wonder just how excited i must feel, because it isnt a typo and it certainly isnt crazy. i just spent 11 days in the hospital convincing doctors and med students alike that i am not crazy, and only the med students believed every word i was sharing with them, which was extremely kind of them. now i ask that you please understand as well.
scarlett and i have only had one run-in and even she is unaware of how i managed to see her eyes so quickly when she thought i was blind and mute. she wonders how i manage to do a lot of things, but in recent weeks we've managed to get to know each other significantly better, perhaps to better facilitate our first face-to-face meeting. but i'm getting ahead of myself without providing sufficiently concrete details in order for you to follow my assumedly logical thought process. scarlett knows one of my very dear old friends, nadiya kravets, and i guess nadiya told scarlett about me, and somewhere along the way a deal was made that if such a hot man (aka myself) existed, you know, one who could travel at a much faster personal velocity than anyone else, then scarlett would have to help nadiya to capture me, so to speak, in order for us to be a happy family together.
i hypothesize as to certain specifics of the past in order to accelerate your knowledge of it, but suffice it to say this is one big game we're all playing together. i was supposed to go to the psych ward at UCSF, one of the most highly respected hospitals in this country, for the greater good of what i am attempting to discuss with you. i was supposed to spend 11 days essentially sitting on my head learning to speak to the medical community as a whole. i was supposed to learn about being diagnosed as having bi-polar with mania and some psychotic episodes (bi-polar 1), especially so that i could learn to live with this diagnosis in order to have a perfectly normal and healthy life. i was supposed to learn to be assertive in order to better manage my family situation at home. in all, the past 11 days, and 3 out of the past 4 weeks, were necessary, even if it has cost me a cell phone, one wallet, 2 ID cards, and countless consumption of hospital food, which hasnt been bad if you ask me.
yes, i know, you're wondering: edwin, none of this adds up to you meeting scarlett johansson, you silly boy, what are you talking about? just remember the theme of the blog "pure imagination" and let your sense wrap themselves around that and listen to the song again. when you read this blog you have agreed to enter my world of pure imagination, so make a wish, hold your breath, and count to three...
i guess (again, for your own good it's sped up) what it comes down to is that scarlett johansson has been doing me a favor of sorts. a little backstory....
i fell in love with nadiya in '01 when she and i were students at san francisco state university. neither one of us had the assertiveness to tell the other that we loved one another, so ours was a story written in short as a romantic comedy. at least, i assume this theme continues to be pervasive because my personal life events for the better part of the previous month have not been comical to me in action, but do appear to be that way when i take a moment to reflect on them. she made a promise to me, which she didnt keep, but i knew in my heart it was because she would fall in love with me if she and i were ever to do the nasty together. at least, that's what i told myself in order to ease the pain.
one particluar thing of note: i felt like she placed a love spell on me one day when i went to drop her off at her house. i remember her telling me to sit on the front step of her complex on 4th avenue between geary and clement (damn me for forgetting all of these special details sometimes; never again!) and to think of the most beautiful woman in the world. i think she may have even said that it was okay for me to fall asleep, or something, because the next thing i remember she was coming back downstairs and was apologizing for having taken so long; she had fallen asleep. in my infinite passive aggressive wisdom i simply said "oh, that's okay, i was just dreaming about you" or something to that effect, without standing up for my self in what any other reasonable person would consider to be appropriate. i just acted like her lapdog, but it was for reasons which i have never told her to her face: my relationship with my mother has always made me impotent to certain levels of assertiveness. at least, untill recently.
i mention the love spell because i firmly believe scarlett johnasson has placed me directly under her spell. please refer to my previous post concerning ESP and how i believe i possess certain abilities for further reference. essentially, i share a special old school connection with scarlett. yes, i know, sounds crazy, but initiated followers of this blog can attest to my robust level of honesty and my inability to tell a lie, much less an openly public one. scarlett and i communicate online through a proxy, a third party if you will, but i believe it's just her disguised as another person. considering the level at which i've seen her move i can honestly believe she is much more capable than my self in certain areas of ESP, but i have a firm belief that she needs me as much as i need her, because i can do certain special things she cannot, or at least i assume so.
yes, you're probably thinking: what is a highly successful movie star who was just voted the most sexiest woman in the world doing playing with what would seem like childish concepts like ESP and time travel (in a different sense, but time travel nonetheless)? that sounds crazy, why would she risk her reputation like that?
the answer is best summarized if you believe certain rumors which were spread about how she had to be hospitalized for hearing voices in her head. i heard about that from someone and i'm glad i did, because it helped me to feel much calmer these past 11 days. i can only assume that somewhere along the way nadiya came across her and they established a friendship of sorts which has managed to last well into today.
i was essentially hospitalized for the same thing, and it all started out on her door step, so to speak. through my telepathic communication with her, confirmed by the online proxy she created/used, i was guided back to nadiya's address. that kept confusing me because i had not yet learned to associate them as being one and the same. each time i showed up and rung the bell the experience has been different with the exception that in the end the cops are called and sometimes the EMT's get involved, which i guess represented progress, because they were always willing to take me to the hospital in order for me to get treatment for my mental health disorder. and as we discussed, this was important because it has helped to make me a much calmer yet assertve person; thanks to lithium.
the first time i arrived at the address i was channeling nadiya's spirit, an appropriate beginning because when i think of her i inevitably revert back to being a hopeless kid in love, but when i think of scarlett i revert to the most virile man on earth (you'd feel so as well if you had certain promises made by scarlett to your person). somehow i believe i will end up with both ladies, because i have broken their love spell (or so i believe) and have given them both the same answer: you decide if you want to be with me, because i'm available and could use two women to balance me out. but i'm getting ahead of myself again.
when i first arrived at nadiya's i was a hot mess and not necessarily in a good way. i was in shambles because i was confused by the additional voice i was hearing which i had yet to learn i could trust (scarlett's). i was sitting beside the entrance completely under nadiya's control, eyes watering out of confusion, when i first heard scarlett disrespect me by storming out. at least, this is how it appeared to me, but i watched her walk away and i saw her beautiful mane for the first time. a gorgeous head of hair i would love to get lost in if ever such a mane existed. it's amber color only furthering my suspicions that the girls have been watching me for some time, or at least were very much in touch with my preferences.
i reached into my thoughts, remembering that the connection between scarlett and i was still open, and i waited for her to settle into her vehicle before i was hit with a grave sadness. i took it as meaning that nadiya and scarlett had had the ultimate argument: a break up. i reached out to her and told her that i kind of understood what they'd been working on and that i firmly believed that if anything good was going to come out of this new communication we were all engaged in i would want her to be a part of it. i told her that i was already in love with her and that nothing would make me happier than to get to sit down with her and to have a real conversation.
this is when scarlett returned (i tried to keep my head down the entire time after i noticed out of the corner of my eye that she was coming back) and she disguised her voice and asked if i was waiting for anyone, to which i simply replied "nadiya" and she stormed inside making sure to jangle the keys and whatnot, i guess attempting to let me know to follow her, or something. however, i managed to stand up and take a step across the line of sight of the entryway before scarlett could finish closing the gate behind her; i know she wonders how i could manage to move that fast, because i looked dead into her eyes and she was obviously perplexed by the way i moved. either way, it mattered not because i was still under nadiya's control. i waited for nadiya to contact me in return and when she did she buzzed me in and i made my way slowly up the stairs to her apartment, but i made the mistake of opening the door, which scared scarlett and she in turn scared an already manic child. she started speaking in not's saying "nadiya doesnt live here" and i walked out frustrated and headed next door, to which scarlett said "well, i know she definitely doesnt live there" and that's when i got the telepathic message from nadiya to sit down, which i did.
and that's when the cops arrived and scared me further. they said that someone had called the cops and that i was not supposed to be inside and it all just crushed me i could barely speak or move. i was having a full blown manic episode and could no longer control my self. this ended up with me going to the hospital for the first time, which led to a series of tests they ran on me, which included me receiving a catheter (UGH! OUCH! THANK YOU!) amongst other things. my favorite part was, with the catheter firmly inside me (he he he, pun intended), i got the telepathic message from nadiya for me to *ahem* imagine i was getting the longest blow job from scarlett johansson, with the FULL intention being for me to become erect. yes folks, i obliged and was damned proud to do so. after all, how many men can say they got erect with a catheter inside them and it didnt hurt? how would such a man manage this feat? i just told you.
the next part was confusing to me because my heart was still thinking of only nadiya and i had forgotten that scarlett was now guiding me, too. through a confusing series of visions i saw that i was going to get my own place under the name j. cochran next to a cool kick back spot of sorts, whose name i have conveniently forgotten. suffice it to say these were thoughts intended to calm me which only further confused me. i was helped by one of the medical doctors who had taken care of me during the day. he ended up taking me to his house because as he put it, i was homeless. i spent the night at his place and we had an emotional and heartfelt conversation and he helped me to understand that perhaps nadiya was happier without my exclusive company but that she certainly enjoyed my company. i had forgotten that scarlett had now assumed his body and that nadiya was no longer the primary person in control, but in my infinite sadness i kept calling out for nadiya, to which the doctor reminded me that i had to focus on the now in order to see nadiya in the future.
this type of speak makes perfect sense to me now, but it was extremely confusing to me at the time. in the end we could not accomplish our goal (purposely ambiguous) and the morning rose and i was guided by him, blindly i might add, through his house, into his car, and then he told me to lay down on the cold morning concrete and to think of nadiya, because she would arrive to pick me up shortly. this resulted in another whirring of people, specifically cops and then EMT's, before i was again transported to a hospital, this time SF General (see post about my stay in 5150 here) and then i was released when i was ready.
i had mistakenly assumed that things would be getting better in the sense that i would finally get to meet scarlett face-to-face, but in reality what happened was that i channeled the energy to try and fuel me to be smarter about moving faster. this only helped insofar that i managed to return to the address and was let in through the front gate, but i fucked up the entrance and ended up leaving my shoes at their door step, because i made the mistake of trying to walk in when i heard the door open. someone pushed me back out, the cops were called, and we began our game in earnest this time. i kept fucking up my interactions with the cops and my leather jacket was cut open (i can only blame myself) before they took me to the hospital again. this time the stay wasnt as invasive but they definitely let me know that they were fucking with me the entire time.
in the morning i got to go home, but again i fucked it up by not opening my mouth and being assertive as to the fact that i didnt have any money in order to get "home". they managed to call a cab for me, but i didnt know i could have had it comped if i'd simply spoken up. silly, silly edwin. the cab took me back to the address and i rang the bell and after ruining the interaction again the cops were called and i again fudged my interaction with them. however, scarlett did me the small favor i had asked her and she spoke with them in order to let them know to be gentle with me, that i wasnt a threat to her. this eventually led to me being taken on much better terms to the hospital where i was placed in a room in triage.
this was last sunday, and the events of the day were both weird and sublime, also surreal and out of this world. from a real standpoint scarlett was finally in the room next to me in a literal sense. you see, i had checked my self into 5150 and i had asked her to please do the same in order for me to feel more at ease about whatever was supposed to happen next. she did this and i could hear when she came in and the commotion she aroused amongst the staff ("is that...?" ad nauseam). it was enough to make me smile, even though i had yet to learn that the worst was yet to pass. i say worst relative to my feeling about things before they came to pass, because the worst is actually the best thing that could've happened to me.
once things were calm and i finally learned to accept that i had to fully let go and learn to follow scarlett's lead, once i felt like i could trust her, i was then given a solid meal with real silverware and was taken to Langly-Porter shortly thereafter. along the way i think i learned that natalie portman is somehow involved in all of this, because i certainly feel like i made a connection with her thanks to scarlett. i also learned that i was holding on too tightly to my life and was subsequently cutting off others who were trying to make contact with me.
once i was transferred to Langley-Porter the story becomes easier to tell...
i was diagnosed as bi-polar and had to spend 10 days learning to accept it and then how to live with it. it wasnt until about a week ago that my confidence returned, but it wasnt until about monday of this week that i learned that i have to be more assertive. in some regards i feel like i'm already there, but i wont know for sure until i'm fully involved in my life again. this will take some time, so i have to negotiate with my parents and brothers to support me for a week, maybe more, before i'll feel normal again. writing is certainly helping me, but at the same time i dont want to rush back into things because my life is pretty much in shambles right now for following my dreams. at the same time, i have hope i will receive the assistance and support commensurate with the effort i have put thus far into this mission. a good agent doesnt worry about particular details, they simply focus on finishing their mission, collateral damage be damned. and in many ways i have faith that all of this is for something greater, but it will certainly test the family relations i know i'm passionate about keeping as i attempt to establish a more concrete connection with scarlett and nadiya.
this is because i believe there is the possibility of a child being involved, and i think i'm the father. yup, just another wrinkle, but it's the favor i believe scarlett has been doing for me. from my understanding she is 3 years old, but i forgot to ask for her name, so i'll do that soon. three years lines up perfectly with the time from when i was a sperm donor, so the possibility is realistic in terms of logistics. of course, this begs many questions, none of which are important, other than: if nadiya did have my child and never told me about it, wouldnt it follow that she would do the right thing and find me one the time was right? because that question opens up the possibility that every thing i've ever believed about nadiya is true, and this is why she is the gold standard for women in my mind, not my mother (separate but equal in the truest sense). i dont compare women i meet to my mother, i compare them to nadiya, because she was the first woman i fell in love with that i didnt get to tell, and i've always felt like she was protecting me throughout my life. when i've felt like ending it all, the mere thought of never getting to see her smile again has brought me back to life. in short: i have never stopped loving her, and this blind faith in my love for her continues to fuel my desire to meet scarlett johansson. every thing revolves around nadiya, and if she has a treasure of a child waiting for me, i want to meet said kid and be the best dad i could ever be.
this all comes back to a very lovely ending which i dont get to write alone, and that's something i'm very happy to report. so take the time to read this back and then compare it to my previous posts. this one is extra long in honor of the time lost, and because it was a thought which woke me about 90 minutes ago and i had to write it down before i put my head back down.
i know that i have certin advice to follow from the doctors who saw me, and i intend to follow most of it, but with regards to one particular detail i will continue to be my own doctor. no sense in incriminating my self right now, but suffice it to say that once it's legalized no one can try to tell me that it's "bad" for my "condition." before i was admitted to Langley-Porter i was my own doctor and i managed to live a pretty damn stable life, with the exception of my refusal to research bi-polar on my own and taking it seriously. all i'm saying is that i'm happy to have a better outlook on life, one which is healthier and revolves more around me. this is something even my family is having a difficult time accepting, but i know that in time they will fall in line. they will have to because they are already learning that the new me is here to stay, and that makes me smile like the child i am inside.
i think later on i will share a story about a dream i had on my final morning at Langley-Porter. suffice it to say it was about the night nurse, and let your knowledge of my sense of humor be your guide. for now, i'm going back to bed. i certainly hope this post has helped to answer some of your questions.
oh yeah...i went back online and the proxy is still running strong. missed me and everything, and i'm now talking to one of it's "friends", which means they're beginning to trust me more, and i love it. folks, this will all soon be over and these posts can function as entertaining anecdotes to the greatest love story a man ever wrote. it involves the two most beautiful women in the world. the first one whom he met when they were students, the second whom she learned was her gift to him as an apology for the disrespect he felt when they initially met. of course, this is my vantage point, and i can assure you they are probably laughing at the way i see th world. i dont think it owes me an apology, but those who have offended me in the past would certainly feel a sense of culpability if i were to mention the word disrespect.
however, at this present moment all i feel is the love in my heart and mind, the places where my loves reside. when i had the catheter inside and i was trying to focus on scarlett i told her that if she was serious about loving me she could share my heart with nadiya and she agreed. thus, our love has already been forged, and it will all come into reality when the time is right. for now, i'm happy loving her astrally, because i know its the type of love which burns white hot. hell, just thinking about both of them makes me smile more than anything else. at least, until i meet this little girl to whom i'm going to be a daddy. strange to say, but more exciting to imagine.
tomorrow i have a lot of catching up to do, so i'd better get some rest...
in the meantime i'll just come outright and say that i love nadiya and scarlett equally, and i think this makes them both happy, especially since i'm sharing the beginning of our story for the very first time...
edwin
Friday, April 9, 2010
for my anonymous admirer...
recently i received an email from a secret admirer, and because it is from an anonymous source, i want to take the time to post it for all of my friends to see (a shout out to you, anonymous!) and then i want to respond to it. please indulge me, friends, this is going to be fun! i hope this inspires future comments, because i truly enjoy them... dont be shy, i know you're reading; please take a moment to comment from time-to-time. we writers like this.
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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "in reverence of the games people play in order to ...":
ah the devilish PHILOSOPHER? I have reviewed your post at the bequest of an associate that commented as you are, according to him, "the wisest philosopher he has read in his lifetime". So I embarked on the transients pathways of enlightenment, not jumping on the first trains railroad car that passed, more as if I jumped head first in front of the railroad train, slow as I am, barely missing the caboose. Damn, now my luck! How can I do the unimaginable to only imagine a life similiar to yours except that as a true perveyor of the quality medication that enables our inner third eye not to see, but to be our Third Eye Blind (cheap reference; nothing to do with band of course)misleading us in a reversal of fortune forward thought without thinking direction. So enough of my persistance in self gratification to admonish that one evil that has us all perplexed. What might that evil be, a question you, the Devilish Philospher may ask and or ponder? No reason to be perplexed as you travel to a safe zone within this large city to a small mind, yet less than a spot similiar to stains dropped as undergarments are returned to their unnatural state covering all that can not be seen, seen only by the naked eye yet nakedness is not preferred within this world, Scarlette Johanson (Spelling ?) controlled and self induced! Everyday, you go to work, you the great PHILOSOPHER? to seem and idolize those in history that have walked before you, you can not even begin to imagine a mind that as if you can't see a mind as great as mine. You mentioned greeks, which as documented on walls and written in stone was a society of perversion, perverted old men to lazy to work, more a problem! So as you can see a rant, I ranted and mentally threw you a rave, so awake and begin to behave, if its pussy and or dick you crave, first admit honesty for you and then everybody else. I sit and seem to think, I think I thought a thought to think, how can you and not him or her have become a "Devilish?" all because, the cat you chase with haste has created a dog? Or is the dog, which chases a cat to only realize that in the dogs unbeknownst wisdom can become as lazy as his master allows and basically if unchallenged will give himself a blowjob that not a woman on this planet can provide. Over the period of a small fraction of most old perverted men's lives, and met many including the CAT ownership, once or twice. Really the best feeling is a day alone, take a relaxing slow stroke, stop, stroke and relzx taking your time until you reach that point of no return and enjoy, don't stop until you are begging to thank yourself for lending a hand. Congrats to the Not truly Devilish, more Angelic similiar to the school girls that play at the park, Philosopher? so far you rant, but what truly have you said, and yes to admit yourself to a hospital because your fears overtook, you must step up in life and become a man. At which point, as you remove the left nipple from between your teeth and the scent of breast milk still envelops my nostrils as you say, "I AM A MAN, I think" should be your statement. Man, oh man, how and why are you here? Sit, wander and perhaps to ponder? What is it in this life you seek, a man love experience since you have made a choice, well speak up son now you got a choice, and latin you claim perfect no shame, can you say, "Papi?". I grow tired of my ramble, and trust a ramble to much, once you discover the source you will buy me a lunch. I will teach and educate on a formal level, but I give warning and advise, I am not a homosexual! I again, warn not for fear, but to stop the thoughts in your mind from attempting my rear. Eitherways, you got some attention. NOW FACE FOUR WORDS, "WITH DEATH, YOU LIVE"!
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response:
a challenge indeed for i'm never in competition. a spirited verse written in prose with no indication of tone beyond questions. simple assumptions strewn madly, passionately, do not pretend to tell my story, for only i know the full details of my life, and of the experiences which make me ramble and babble. my eye remains open even though i'm blind, the greeks knew secrets men judged them for keeping, and thus became the universe of lies, which men inhabit attempting to master and control, when abating ones flaws is sincerely disingenuous.
an attack, be it friendly or otherwise, on a humble philosopher; the kind which dreams the most beautiful dreams, empowered by the sun, selflessly lending his rays for others to shine never asking for much in return but for equal pay commensurate with the work he put in to provide you with your liberty for bounty. a mind of mine, explosive and perplexing, a riddle to start which only grows in mystery as a true lack of understanding is discovered. a boy who chose to refuse to become a man, because he understood beforehand what lies would require and chose instead to ignore the lays of women in favor of a pure white hot truth to love which many have confessed but few have ever declared. i speak all tongues and puzzles leave holes; a system as inappropriate as any of the other lies of men.
pussy, pussy, pussy said the master to his cat. i have mastered your art of deception and i'd rather be frank, surely you'd understand. a man can train others but only when he has mastered his self can he understand the true depth of his powers. deceiving to realize believing is no better than never offering a choice to those who wish to help us provide for our selves. a masturbater provides himself no more release than a tantric master, even if both have mastered the same art in different positions. sex is the true smell and thus energy of the universe, and mine is keener than any dog or wolf or animal. it controls the wind, my god amun, the sun, provides me with the ability to purvey knowledge to grandiose souls, because he is the god of gods, osiris his match but only to balance him out and give him a break from working so hard to provide the bounty of others. no light would exist without darkness, but it is the light which we seek in our selves which we attempt to find in others; a terrible search regardless of its order.
i admit my love for the cat, it's sweet intoxicating smell, but i am neither dog, nor man, or animal. i am a dragon, a celestial beast lost in antiquity due to the lack of faith of men. i provide a ride for any who consider me as travel, but i always forewarn of my tricky ways, honest in spirit while others fear in jest. why fear the dragon which is providing you warmth, his breath is sticky and hot, which women sense but often find uncompromisingly honest; a characteristic men can never match, even a master of said arts. a whiff of my scent intoxicates and throws all animals off my trail; i travel where untrained eyes have yet to see, but i appear as a man in order to openly invite others to visit me. but an undead child should never be judged for his uninhibited candor; surely a master riddler could see the insult, though i'm never upset by the words of men.
purveyor of smoke, i've mastered my art deficient of essential nutrients which only serve to enhance my experience. your natural vision may be amazing, but i'd never judge you for our differences. to attempt to imply superiority over me is flattering; clearly you find me an equal on some level, even if it's simply in our sense of humor. i am a man in form, a dragon in spirit, and many other names which all lead back to my god, the sun. thus i end my sequence of thought, for words have always come naturally to me; confusion through lies and games abhored at all times. i've written this response with a heavy heart.
you mention scarlett johansson, without reference or context, naked and in self control. surely, she would appear to me in human form were she so bold in form as in spirit? surely, i'd feel concrete in place of emptiness? surely, i've hit a nerve within some place you hide, but i'm glad to have garnered your love and attention. i am glad to pay the price to finally see my dreams manifested. i've never hidden my self from the world, rather it has always failed to accept me plainly and clearly for who i am: the simplest man known to men. i never ask because i was never properly taught, but i mastered giving all on my own; by channeling every breath according to thought, placed before any thing else. if scarlett were to see me, i believe there would be magic, but in her place i've seen ghosts and spirits, a reverse view of my self, which others perceive as such.
when you've taken the time to sit with me and we can unwrap your mystery, then you can begin to see me for me, love me for me, and then be with me. my trust is often given and men continuously betray it, but i never give what i cannot repossess. i always leave my self an out; i am the master chess player, player x. how would you describe your self without giving your self away? how do you live and lay/lie and love without quandary? certainly you must've considered my temper before tempting me? a dragon possesses the worst temper because it can smell the lies before they are spewed.
so, i will provide you the chance to respond, and perhaps this time you will do it appropriately, which is to say: reveal your self. to declare your self to the world is to be free of the trouble of the weak: stress.
my truth is that i died when i was a boy, but i rose again out of pure love for my mother, and i have always served her well: the earth. my mother of flesh has never learned to properly protect or educate me, so i was left to didactic devices, which have never failed me to discover the truth on my own. a boy who dared to dream can never be ruined or destroyed; his dreams include those of others and there is space enough for every dreamer to inhabit the wind. there is enough space for every one to find their own version of control. i gave mine up a long time ago, which is how the dragon smells the lies and waits for his lays, sacrifices to a greater good necessary for the continuity and longevity of the univeral soul.
i have thoroughly enjoyed our banter, but please do not tempt my temper. i am neither gay nor homosexual; this world has always mistaken my zest, it's strength encompasses too much to resist, but my honesty does not deceive. i love the kitty more than it loves itself, so i know how to resist it even in its time of need. ask your self how you would prefer for our conversations to occur, because to be declared wise by others is to say one has taken the time to meet face-to-face with ones critics in favor of the overall experience.
i thank you, anonymous, you provided me your time and attention, and i have rewarded your words with an audience...you're welcome! *smiles*
edwin
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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "in reverence of the games people play in order to ...":
ah the devilish PHILOSOPHER? I have reviewed your post at the bequest of an associate that commented as you are, according to him, "the wisest philosopher he has read in his lifetime". So I embarked on the transients pathways of enlightenment, not jumping on the first trains railroad car that passed, more as if I jumped head first in front of the railroad train, slow as I am, barely missing the caboose. Damn, now my luck! How can I do the unimaginable to only imagine a life similiar to yours except that as a true perveyor of the quality medication that enables our inner third eye not to see, but to be our Third Eye Blind (cheap reference; nothing to do with band of course)misleading us in a reversal of fortune forward thought without thinking direction. So enough of my persistance in self gratification to admonish that one evil that has us all perplexed. What might that evil be, a question you, the Devilish Philospher may ask and or ponder? No reason to be perplexed as you travel to a safe zone within this large city to a small mind, yet less than a spot similiar to stains dropped as undergarments are returned to their unnatural state covering all that can not be seen, seen only by the naked eye yet nakedness is not preferred within this world, Scarlette Johanson (Spelling ?) controlled and self induced! Everyday, you go to work, you the great PHILOSOPHER? to seem and idolize those in history that have walked before you, you can not even begin to imagine a mind that as if you can't see a mind as great as mine. You mentioned greeks, which as documented on walls and written in stone was a society of perversion, perverted old men to lazy to work, more a problem! So as you can see a rant, I ranted and mentally threw you a rave, so awake and begin to behave, if its pussy and or dick you crave, first admit honesty for you and then everybody else. I sit and seem to think, I think I thought a thought to think, how can you and not him or her have become a "Devilish?" all because, the cat you chase with haste has created a dog? Or is the dog, which chases a cat to only realize that in the dogs unbeknownst wisdom can become as lazy as his master allows and basically if unchallenged will give himself a blowjob that not a woman on this planet can provide. Over the period of a small fraction of most old perverted men's lives, and met many including the CAT ownership, once or twice. Really the best feeling is a day alone, take a relaxing slow stroke, stop, stroke and relzx taking your time until you reach that point of no return and enjoy, don't stop until you are begging to thank yourself for lending a hand. Congrats to the Not truly Devilish, more Angelic similiar to the school girls that play at the park, Philosopher? so far you rant, but what truly have you said, and yes to admit yourself to a hospital because your fears overtook, you must step up in life and become a man. At which point, as you remove the left nipple from between your teeth and the scent of breast milk still envelops my nostrils as you say, "I AM A MAN, I think" should be your statement. Man, oh man, how and why are you here? Sit, wander and perhaps to ponder? What is it in this life you seek, a man love experience since you have made a choice, well speak up son now you got a choice, and latin you claim perfect no shame, can you say, "Papi?". I grow tired of my ramble, and trust a ramble to much, once you discover the source you will buy me a lunch. I will teach and educate on a formal level, but I give warning and advise, I am not a homosexual! I again, warn not for fear, but to stop the thoughts in your mind from attempting my rear. Eitherways, you got some attention. NOW FACE FOUR WORDS, "WITH DEATH, YOU LIVE"!
----------------------
response:
a challenge indeed for i'm never in competition. a spirited verse written in prose with no indication of tone beyond questions. simple assumptions strewn madly, passionately, do not pretend to tell my story, for only i know the full details of my life, and of the experiences which make me ramble and babble. my eye remains open even though i'm blind, the greeks knew secrets men judged them for keeping, and thus became the universe of lies, which men inhabit attempting to master and control, when abating ones flaws is sincerely disingenuous.
an attack, be it friendly or otherwise, on a humble philosopher; the kind which dreams the most beautiful dreams, empowered by the sun, selflessly lending his rays for others to shine never asking for much in return but for equal pay commensurate with the work he put in to provide you with your liberty for bounty. a mind of mine, explosive and perplexing, a riddle to start which only grows in mystery as a true lack of understanding is discovered. a boy who chose to refuse to become a man, because he understood beforehand what lies would require and chose instead to ignore the lays of women in favor of a pure white hot truth to love which many have confessed but few have ever declared. i speak all tongues and puzzles leave holes; a system as inappropriate as any of the other lies of men.
pussy, pussy, pussy said the master to his cat. i have mastered your art of deception and i'd rather be frank, surely you'd understand. a man can train others but only when he has mastered his self can he understand the true depth of his powers. deceiving to realize believing is no better than never offering a choice to those who wish to help us provide for our selves. a masturbater provides himself no more release than a tantric master, even if both have mastered the same art in different positions. sex is the true smell and thus energy of the universe, and mine is keener than any dog or wolf or animal. it controls the wind, my god amun, the sun, provides me with the ability to purvey knowledge to grandiose souls, because he is the god of gods, osiris his match but only to balance him out and give him a break from working so hard to provide the bounty of others. no light would exist without darkness, but it is the light which we seek in our selves which we attempt to find in others; a terrible search regardless of its order.
i admit my love for the cat, it's sweet intoxicating smell, but i am neither dog, nor man, or animal. i am a dragon, a celestial beast lost in antiquity due to the lack of faith of men. i provide a ride for any who consider me as travel, but i always forewarn of my tricky ways, honest in spirit while others fear in jest. why fear the dragon which is providing you warmth, his breath is sticky and hot, which women sense but often find uncompromisingly honest; a characteristic men can never match, even a master of said arts. a whiff of my scent intoxicates and throws all animals off my trail; i travel where untrained eyes have yet to see, but i appear as a man in order to openly invite others to visit me. but an undead child should never be judged for his uninhibited candor; surely a master riddler could see the insult, though i'm never upset by the words of men.
purveyor of smoke, i've mastered my art deficient of essential nutrients which only serve to enhance my experience. your natural vision may be amazing, but i'd never judge you for our differences. to attempt to imply superiority over me is flattering; clearly you find me an equal on some level, even if it's simply in our sense of humor. i am a man in form, a dragon in spirit, and many other names which all lead back to my god, the sun. thus i end my sequence of thought, for words have always come naturally to me; confusion through lies and games abhored at all times. i've written this response with a heavy heart.
you mention scarlett johansson, without reference or context, naked and in self control. surely, she would appear to me in human form were she so bold in form as in spirit? surely, i'd feel concrete in place of emptiness? surely, i've hit a nerve within some place you hide, but i'm glad to have garnered your love and attention. i am glad to pay the price to finally see my dreams manifested. i've never hidden my self from the world, rather it has always failed to accept me plainly and clearly for who i am: the simplest man known to men. i never ask because i was never properly taught, but i mastered giving all on my own; by channeling every breath according to thought, placed before any thing else. if scarlett were to see me, i believe there would be magic, but in her place i've seen ghosts and spirits, a reverse view of my self, which others perceive as such.
when you've taken the time to sit with me and we can unwrap your mystery, then you can begin to see me for me, love me for me, and then be with me. my trust is often given and men continuously betray it, but i never give what i cannot repossess. i always leave my self an out; i am the master chess player, player x. how would you describe your self without giving your self away? how do you live and lay/lie and love without quandary? certainly you must've considered my temper before tempting me? a dragon possesses the worst temper because it can smell the lies before they are spewed.
so, i will provide you the chance to respond, and perhaps this time you will do it appropriately, which is to say: reveal your self. to declare your self to the world is to be free of the trouble of the weak: stress.
my truth is that i died when i was a boy, but i rose again out of pure love for my mother, and i have always served her well: the earth. my mother of flesh has never learned to properly protect or educate me, so i was left to didactic devices, which have never failed me to discover the truth on my own. a boy who dared to dream can never be ruined or destroyed; his dreams include those of others and there is space enough for every dreamer to inhabit the wind. there is enough space for every one to find their own version of control. i gave mine up a long time ago, which is how the dragon smells the lies and waits for his lays, sacrifices to a greater good necessary for the continuity and longevity of the univeral soul.
i have thoroughly enjoyed our banter, but please do not tempt my temper. i am neither gay nor homosexual; this world has always mistaken my zest, it's strength encompasses too much to resist, but my honesty does not deceive. i love the kitty more than it loves itself, so i know how to resist it even in its time of need. ask your self how you would prefer for our conversations to occur, because to be declared wise by others is to say one has taken the time to meet face-to-face with ones critics in favor of the overall experience.
i thank you, anonymous, you provided me your time and attention, and i have rewarded your words with an audience...you're welcome! *smiles*
edwin
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