i swear i'll end up crazy, regardless of effort...

*  my math test killed me. at least, that's the official word. out of 10 questions, i managed to successfully complete one. no bueno, as the saying goes. all i could think about afterwards was to cuss my self out and ask my self if the past 7 years of not being in school were worth it. i hated my self, and i had to vent somehow, so taking it out on my self was the best and easiest option. where do we go from here? not sure, aside from thinking about taking advantage of the assistance of the math tutors in the library. that's gotta be the solution, because otherwise i am stumped.

*  all of that got me thinking about my childhood and growing up, and how much i wish certain things could've been different. to start off: my success in life was predetermined years ago, but it was my advanced academic abilities which allowed me to overcome certain obstacles. now, it seems said abilities have diminished considerably and i must resort to being a super-student, something i am not used to and am presently struggling with, just to make sure i pass the aforementioned math class. but this goes beyond a simple math class.

  this speaks to the difficulty of raising a child for immigrant parents. on one hand, it would be so easy to blame my parents lack of parenting ability for the way my life has ended up, but on the other hand i know only i can bear the full responsibility for my lack of success. it's been almost ten years since i graduated high school and 7 years since i left college, and i've bee "in charge" of my life ever since. hell, i left my house at 17 because things had grown difficult and impossible at home. however, even that statement shows glimpses of some of the difficulties i have had to overcome. throw in the raging hormones of a post-adolescent, and all of the myriad of distractions life has managed to throw my way and it becomes clear that i am not the same well-equipped boy who graduated from high school. when did things change?

  the answer to that question lays within this year and last. somewhere along the way my mental fortitude diminished and weakness seeped in, and my inability to adapt to an ongoing failure only made things worse. now, i'm at the point of having to answer some of lifes hard-hitting questions, only i continue to feel as alone as ever in having to deal with such great issues. who do you blame when a child feels as if he's had to raise himself all of his life and he demonstrates certain inevitable failures? who is to blame for my lack of discipline and for my inability to perform at a certain ability? who is to blame for my lack of success? again, the scales do not weigh more on either side. i refuse to allow my self to become a victim of circumstance, but i'm also at an age where i'm at a crossroads. i dont want to alienate my self further from my family by stirring up another argument, but certain truths, as perceived by me, will undoubtedly never be discussed. at least, not until i graduate with a degree.

*  and we return to the pressures and expectations of growing up, only i'm not a boy anymore. i am a full grown man, but i certainly do not feel this way. hell, in the past year, after everything i've been through, i feel like i've lost a part of my self. part of the outgoing spirit i used to feel and possess is gone, and i dont know how to replace it. i havent felt like myself ever since i got out of the hospital for the third time back in april, and even then, it's hard to say i was "my self". the only thing which is certain is that i'm a lunatic and i'm having a difficult time feeling like a "normal" person. anxiety and stress take a hold of me and i freak out, but i dont recall this being the case before i was diagnosed with my illness of bi-polar. what the hell happened to me?

*  the answer might never be found out. some of the experiences i have lived through might never be repeated, so i will have to find a way to make my self happy by focusing exclusively on my self, something which is unnatural to me, because i usually work best in the service of others. what's certain is that things must change, and that time will provide me with unexpected surprises along the way. my life has always been that way. i dont know what the turnaround time is for someone who has gone through something similar to my experiences this year, but i have to believe that it takes a while to get back to being ones self. a few weeks ago i thought i had felt something come alive which had been dormant for months, but i guess it was just a reminder from the real world that sometimes i need to play by the rules, especially when in public places. no need to elaborate beyond that.

  i guess it's just a matter of time and effort. time is a constant and effort is a variable which i most certainly control. let's prioritize and hopefully things will turn out well in the end. after all, this is just life we're talking about, not some random equation for something super complicated. i make things complicated, which i guess is how i ended up with the desire to want to write this blog. i have to get off my ass and begin putting the effort necessary to see my desired results.

  and that's the line i've been walking lately, between wanting to try harder and wanting to give up. giving up wont accomplish anything, beyond setting me back a full year, and trying harder has yet to be attempted, with all honesty included. what happened to creating a better structure for success around me? i guess i forgot that it takes time and effort...

thanks for reading...

edwin

sweltering heat induced rant about nothing; in other words: the usual...

  had a job interview today and was given a second interview, which will take up all of my thursday, and then i hope to move on to the third and final interview session. folks, wish me luck so that i may be granted said job. it's a promotional gig working for a large local sports and entertainment marketing company. somehow i stumbled upon their listing on craigslist and they contacted me about the aforementioned interview. i think someone "up there" really likes me, ha ha ha.

  that being said, i have some things to share...

* school started and my pre-calculus (trigonometry) class is already kicking my butt. or rather, chapter 1, with the inequalities and algebraic equations, is kicking my butt. i have to study them more to regain the aptitude which i demonstrated many moons ago. somehow, i am not surprised by my lack of a grasp on this subject matter. i feel like i lost some of my brain throughout this year's crazy ride, i was bound to lose something of significant value which i knew would be very difficult to replace. alas, we must not give up before a real effort has been attempted.

* maybe it's the fact that it's been so long since i shared myself so intimately with someone, maybe i just need to get laid, or maybe the feeling that has been gnawing at me for the past couple of weeks is real: i think i'm ready to find a girlfriend again. not that i'm in any rush, but i am certainly open to the idea. and why not? a man of humble means can be an excellent lover! money doesnt drive a man to explore a woman's body like she has never been explored before. money doesnt give a man the passion and desire necessary to fuel his desire. money can be used as a tool to reward a man to improve upon his behavior, but money alone does not make the man. so why do i have such a hangup about putting myself out there when everything around me is less-than-perfect? it probably has something to do with the fact that i'm a broke college student, ha ha ha. however, i know better than to let that stop me, but somehow it continues to paralyze me.

  i overanalyze these sorts of things all of the time. i know i'm fine just the way i am, but i want people to see that i am actively taking strides to improve upon the mediocre man i consider myself to be. mediocrity was never my ambition, and as recently as 5 months ago i was feeling the way i desire to feel right now: in tune, in shape, and out of control. well, not so much with the out of control, but you get what i'm saying; i was feeling like "my self". it's a feeling i continue to strive to reach. sooner or later my body will become entirely acquainted with this medication and i'll go back to feeling like my old self again. at least, i continue to hope that i do. maybe then my irrational fears will disappear and i'll go back to being the smooth-talking straight-shooter that i consider to be "me". in the meantime, i have to focus on mastering the first chapter in my pre-calculus book, ha ha ha. being a nice guy only goes a certain length...

* i guess that's all i really have to report at the moment. i'm back to catching my self getting lost in certain moments, so i know that i'm close to regaining what i feel i have lost this year. it's just a matter of time. and time is a constant which we can all count on, because no one controls it and we are all subject to it. yes, my friends, i can feel my self slowly returning to my old self, and when that is finally complete i firmly believe my enjoyment will go skyrocketing. this time i will not let things get over my head, i will be more patient, and i will do my due diligence by remaining calm. i have had a strange trip so far this year, but that doesnt mean that we cant improve upon the way things ended up, which was badly. in any case, thanks for reading...

edwin

old school values, new school rules...

  and people wonder why i'm such a picky bastard. i overanalyze everything to the point of paralysis, and i end up looking like an idiot, no matter how many times i try to play it cool. honestly, it makes me smile, because i'm always kicking myself after every thing, trying to figure out if the decision i made was the best possible one. after a lot of thinking about the subject and after some careful observations these past couple of months i've noticed one glaring thing: life is one big crapshoot.

  sure, it's easy to believe that successfully putting oneself through the college experience should lead to a steady job, but that's hardly the case. throw in the pressure to find a suitable partner and one's growing angst to eventually be ready to start a family, and i honestly dont know how most people live with themselves. it's like i'm endlessly supposed to be getting ready for the next big step in my life, it's difficult to explain. and where exactly is a charming young man such as myself supposed to find the love of his life when i'm still reeling from certain emotional baggage which came to the forefront this year? surely, no one knows, ha ha ha.

  the truth, as i see it, is that the best one can do is to better oneself to be in a better prepared position to make the next big decision. i'm lucky in the sense that i dont have children or any other serious commitments to attend to, so that the random adventures i have put myself through do not affect others beyond my immediate family. right now i can afford to decide if i want my life to move fast or slow and it only affects me, and i like that, but there is a growing desire for change. something inside me yearns for a partner, craves something meaningful which rests on one basic fact that is difficult to argue against, at least for a hopeless romantic like me: love trumps all.

  it should seem easier to me, to find such a love, since i have none of the usual prerequisites which i've mentioned above, or so one would believe. either way i look at it, i find it to be a difficult proposition to address. my heart is wide open and my brain is at least open to the idea of cooperating with it, but the same silly variables rear their heads. most revolve around money and my growing insecurity that it (money) is somehow important to the overall equation. sure, it would help if i had more financial security at the moment, but that doesnt make me less qualified a candidate for love, which it is said money cannot buy. instead, i'm left to deal with a sea of excuses and reasons for why i believe things are imperfect for love. maybe that's why i crave it, because i know what the following steps in my life will be and i'm almost too excited to get started with them. in my heart i feel as if having a suitable partner, one who is capable of loving me for who i am and nothing more, could propel me to perform at levels unseen in some time, but alas. maybe i'm just kidding my self and this entire rant is just the manifestation of it.

  i'm old school in many ways, mostly in that i am easy to please. however, i do ask for the basic respect and dedication any lover would ask for and deserves, which is to work just as hard on your life as i am working on mine. i'm new school in the sense that i dont believe in closed monogamy. when i put the two worlds together in my brain and i attempt to overlap the real world on top of it, it's enough to make my head spin, and that usually leads to trouble, and not always the good kind, though it has been found before. the real world provides a horrendous level of excuses and reasons to fear ending up alone, but the fantasy world only reminds me that i have bested these odds before and that i have been fully capable of finding a woman to love me just as i have stated. something within me never let those women in completely and unabashedly, and this is something which i've been wrestling with for the past couple of months. i feel as if i've failed in love up until now, but that's merely me being too harsh a critic of my self. i now feel as if i've learned enough from said past failures to know to jump in when i feel the proverbial water is right.

  i have much to be grateful for with regards to love and loving, of this i am entirely certain. that i have been unable to put all of the important variables in my life together to have made one of my past loves my bride is another issue altogether. i was born with a rebellious albeit honest spirit. i dream in amazing colors and sounds, but at the end of the day i have accomplished no more than when i graduated high school almost ten years ago. does this qualify me as a failure? i have no girlfriend and am not sure i would be considered "boyfriend material" at this point; does that mean i have failed, or am failing, somehow? not exactly.

  the game to which i am making mention is much like golf in that it is played against ones self. in the competition to have an amazing and exciting life i failed to properly recognize and overcome my handicaps. not that i'm trying to make excuses. for starters, it must be publicly declared that yes i am crazy and i am happy with that diagnosis. but what the means exactly will depend on the audience member who chooses to listen to my story. i'm still a little shy discussing the particulars of this years mental breakdown with strangers, but i try and remind my self that it was a simple breakdown, that the system, which is me, can be repaired and improved upon; that nothing is over yet, and that time is of the essence to make a comeback. after all, i've heard that people like a good underdog story, and i'm planning to place myself as a great underdog in an imperfect circumstance. i've had to overcome long odds just to be alive, so fixing my life and making it what i deserve for it to be shouldnt be too difficult, ha ha ha.

  when i think about it, my life has been a roller coaster ride, but i have always felt that the best parts of the ride were yet to come. i have my lifes experiences to measure against, but as much as i might try it's still too difficult to imagine love existing in my world any time soon. i've got plenty to work on before i'll feel comfortable enough to entertain it, but at the least i'm aware of the growing pains and angst which are fueled by my desire for a mate. or maybe, i just need to get laid, ha ha ha. that could very well be a possibility.

  it's just so easy for me to get caught up in the details surrounding my unhappiness that i forget that i'm also reverse-engineering my happiness at the same time. but when it comes to a woman in my life, all i'm looking for is an old school spirit who loves and works hard. like i said, i'm easy to please. if only life was as simple, maybe then it would be easier to deal with the realization that i've paralyzed my self for different reasons over the years and the academic progress i may hope to make is simply a delayed manifestation of the happiness i have deserved to feel all along.

  without naming them, all of the women i have loved have attempted to help me to learn this lesson but i failed myself when i refused to put it all together. what could any man ask for other than for a partner who loves him and will be by his side through the good and the bad? isnt that in itself enough to be publicly delared as being married? i can admit that i'm looking for a woman, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to meet her, nor should i be sure, that's what time is for, right?

  every thing changes next week when i go back to school and i will be forced to look for another job. i know i have to practice better managing my money and expenses, but i'm also committed to saving for a potential trip to el salvador this winter. i havent been back in over 12 years and i'm itching to go see my native home as i've never seen it before: as an adult. we'll see how things play out in the next couple of months, but for now i'm not going to put any pressure on my self. i have school to focus on and then a job to worry about, that's the extent of my preoccupations. i believe everything else will fall into place on it's own, or i'll make the necessary changes when i'm good and ready.

  in the meantime, i have much to be thankful for with regards to family, so i'll continue learning my lifes lessons through them while i prepare myself for the next opportunity to meet the right woman who will hopefully fit into my long-term goals.

edwin