if it can be said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, then some of my best friends must be really missing me right now. as in, as soon as i get a cell phone again and i am able to reconnect with the world i should have some good news waiting for me. or at least, i believe this.
sometimes belief trumps everything. hell, it's the reason why i sat through watching both the first and second installments of "the matrix" trilogy, even though i'd already seen them and the only one i have yet to see is the third. it's the reason why i'm contemplating watching the third one tonight AFTER i'm done writing this (1:33am PDT) so late. belief is everything to me, my friends, and my belief in my self is quite strong.
sure, it can be said, and it will later on be written, that this is the absolute lowest of lows that i have ever experienced in my life, so shouldnt it follow that the sweet hereafter will soon be upon me? *shrugs* you're talking to a writer who is half-sauced (drunk) off some swigs of bacardi silver from a secret stash which was ordered almost one year ago. that's how long the bottle has been in my possession and i havent finished it. that's how long i am capable of denying my self the basic joys and pleasures which most people take for granted. that's how long this confusion has existed in my brain; and it's especially how long i've suffered from grand delusions. in short, it's the reason and being for my existence. sure, the previous sentence seems jumbled, but it isnt.
when you're a megalomaniac who "suffers" from mania, every day is just an exercise preparing you for the next. i take my medication because i'm told it's necessary for my progress. i see my self progressing on to bigger and better things, but right now i have to take baby steps. as mentioned before, my life's work is ongoing and proving einstein's theory of relativity has both it's perks and drawbacks, with my present situation being but a simple speed bump accentuated by its severity and timing. never doubt me, however. it's exactly where i like to be placed, as an after thought.
i know certain things, but it can mostly be said that i know every thing about my self. i'll be sure to keep this shorter than you can anticipate, but suffice it to say that i am thoroughly convinced of the "delusions" from which i suffer, and while i have been explicitly disappointed to this point, it has not been without a reason. people tell me things epexcting me to react. my friends, i already know how this is all going to end. it ends with my name in lights and people thanking me for never giving up. if it must pass that i should suffer at the moment, i am strong enough to understand that it is for a reason, a much greater reason than i could ever hope to express, in writing or otherwise.
believe me when i tell you that i will have my day in the sun and it wont cost me a thing, this story is far from over...
edwin
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
a movie pirate is born under pressure...
the above trailer is for this year's (2010) oscar winner for best feature film, "the hurt locker". i normally dont have much good to say with the academy's selection for best picture, but this year i was left speechless. this movie grabs you by the throat from the opening frame and it does not let you go until long after you have finished watching it. it's essentially about a game of cat-and-mouse between the guys in charge of putting out the bombs and the guys who make them, with an excellent story woven into the fabric.
i dont want to ruin anything about this movie, but i did want to admit that i downloaded the torrent and watched it for free. maybe it's too much information to share, but i've always prided myself for being honest.
the past couple of days i've been figuring out the whole downloading torrents thing and have been amassing a small supply of them. i figure i have limited hard drive space until i get money to buy DVD-R's onto which i can then transfer said films. besides, i only want to keep the truly good ones on my computer and i'll undo myself of the rest.
case in point, i downloaded both versions (1951) and (2010) of alice in wonderland, but i only plan on keeping one on my hard drive. take a guess which it is going to be? i'm an old school kid at heart and have always found the original disney version of the film to be perfect with the way it describes mr carroll's story. i love the addition of the caterpillar as well, which doesnt exist in the text. i simply found the script to the new version to be a little unsatisfactory. perhaps they could have turned it into two films and done a complete reimagining, but maybe the studio was too afraid it would end up losing money? i can't imagine why, since this is exactly the subject matter with which tim burton usually shines.
for the record: i did enjoy the new version of the film, and after reading many of the reviews and criticisms of the film, i have to say all of the negative pub was dead on. the film was not absurd enough and the creatures were insufficiently scary for how tame they were made to be with a gentle touch by our beloved alice. i guess it speaks more to the magic of the feminine touch than anything else.
...
i just cant get roberto carlos' "detalles" out of my head. the lyrics go on and on in my head and i cant get them out. i guess there are worse things to feel.
went to dinner with my older brother, rafael, to hometown buffet. my family has this thing for buffet's people, so i always end up holding court in conversation while everyone gets their grub on. i'm never one to be left behind at the table, but i always make sure to not eat too much. or at least, i make sure to enjoy every bite i take. it's always a special event when my older brother and i go to dinner. in fact, we had a pretty serious conversation concerning brotherhood that could have reduced me to tears had i not previously considered the point we ended up discussing.
he asked me if i believed the four of us (abel, raf, myself, and eric, in our respective order) would ever be close. i told him i had my doubts, but that it was out of my hands. i told him that for me i would always be a part of their lives, because it is exactly how i'm wired, but i didnt have the heart to tell him that perhaps no one wants the four of us to be close. maybe we're all too individually spirited that we just cant get along together for more than just special occassions, and even that is a stretch.
one problem is that my oldest brother, abel, lives in arizona and he has completely decided to make his own life away from the main family unit. as i told raf, "i dont blame him". i confessed to him that i dont really like our parents. it's a fact that i've had to live with which i had never wanted to admit to myself. truth be told, i'm not geared to love them the way they want, and they're not wired to support me the way that i ask. it's strange, because they remain a motivating factor for me to succeed in my life, but it's more to succeed in spite of them and not as a result of them. can't really explain it beyond saying that i've always felt a bit detached from my family, and i've always felt like a bit of a loner because of it. this doesnt stop me from making friends or from being social, but the more i grow older and i look at my self, the more i realize i'm living a lie.
i told raf the plans i have for my self, which are basically to find the right situation to move out on my own, then to start growing weed for the government while working a basic nine to five if i chose i wanted one. he translated it as i want to be a bum, which made me laugh, because i dont see it that way. i want to live an old school lifestyle because i dont feel wired for the pursuit of material satisfaction as he and my family do. so what if i only end up owning a 2004 toyota corolla and not some sexy sports car? so what if i dont buy new clothes for my self for some time? what importance is it to me if i dont make a million dollars in the next 20 years? all i know is that there is a lot of money to be made in crops, and that i believe money is on its way out anyway.
i believe in the zeitgeist movement and what the films talk about. money is evil and our lives revolve around lies. with that being said, what are my motivating factors to get out of bed in the morning? to make my self and others happy are all i can think of, but right now i'm not even capable of this. i'm essentially stuck in purgatory after all that has happened. i cant provide for my self and my family is only able to provide me with the most basic care, all of which was available to me in the hospital. of course, had i not made mention of anything, i would probably still be there. in either case...*sigh*
i was telling raf (short for rafael) over dinner that we would soon be getting to the age when we would begin wanting to have a family. he told me that he has already begun to have thoughts about it, and i told him that i wasnt far behind him. however, my main question (as usual i have questions), to my self, is where to start? it's a universal question, i suppose, but i'm different because i'm a megalomaniac. i suffer from grand delusions. for christ's sake, i've been hospitalized consistently these past two months for believing that i was after scarlett johansson and that she loves me. turns out it was all one big joke on me, only i havent laughed yet. sounds like i was punk'd.
even nadiya came up over dinner, and i almost told him i was over it. i mean, i'm literally thisclose to just saying fuck it to every thing, but i cant do that. at least, not yet. *shakes head* if it can be said that all of this has been one big joke, well, i'm not laughing. have yet to, actually, at least not with regards to the intent in which said joke is probably meant.
in fact, i even have a song picked out for the occassion.
it's called "cry for you" by september. i never really knew the name of the song until i decided to search the lyrics just as i was writing this. my gay lover, virgil, gave me over a thousand songs and this was part of his personal collection which didnt have track names included, so i had to uncover the title and artist on my own, even though i was familiar with said song. it's a beautiful song really, with the hook being perfect "you'll never see me again/so now who's going to cry for you". can be dedicated to just about anyone.
if you ask me, i'll take my manic days over any "normal" days. i honestly have no clue what that word, normal, means any more. normal isnt a state of my mind, it isnt a setting, and it certainly is not a way of life. is it normal that i can turn my sleep switch on and off? is it normal for me to believe in ESP while doctors try to convince me that i'm not? why do i have so many unanswered questions? i swear to god all of this is frustrating enough to drive one mad. nothing sounds better than roaming the streets of san francisco, either. i'd rather be like st francis of assisi and wander the streets.
i watched "pulp fiction" again today and it made me think a lot about what it means to "walk the earth" as samuel l. jackson's character famously tells john travolta's character. "i'm going to walk until god puts me where he wants me" to paraphrase the explanation. "and if it takes forever" is the retort "then i will walk forever" is the response. goddamn them for seducing me into the building and then having me remove my most comfortable shoes. good thing i can always buy another pair online once i have the money.
it's getting late. 2:42am as of this writing. i dont even know what i'm going to do with my self tomorrow after i get done helping my parents clean the house. some days i feel like i want to stay in bed all day. which reminds me of the movie "what's eating gilbert grape".
this movie features two young heartthrobs known as johnny depp and leonardo dicaprio. juliette lewis does an excellent job of helping us to determine what in fact IS eating at gilbert grape. it's love, baby, just love. you see, gilbert loves his family so much he is having a hard time focusing on him self. not ruining anything about the movie by saying this, just saying is all. but i highly recommend the film, because it definitely reminded me a lot of my self.
and i guess, therein lies the rub, as shakespeare famously wrote. the rub is that all cultural expressions are rooted in love and i never learned to love my self. this goes beyond the topic of masturbation, this goes to the issue of love itself in an unbiased and unconditional form. i guess i would argue that i love my self so much it's hard for me to leave my family. or am i confusing every thing again? i guess i'd better get some sleep, because there arent any angels who are going to visit me tonight, or in the near future, in order to help me to settle this issue.
some days, i do wish i could wake up in the hospital...
edwin
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
loving lethargic days...
*sigh*
gotta love the fact i am no longer in the hospital, but the wait leading up to my scheduled appointments tomorrow with my therapist (11am) and psychiatrist (2pm) has not been an easy one. anxiety plagues me because it's normal for one to feel it when there's a build-up brewing. it's not for nothing that i'm looking forward to tomorrow's meetings. i can potentially begin plans to move out of my parents house depending on how tomorrow's meetings go. i know they want to help me to get some government assistance at the moment, and a friend told me i can possibly sign-up for a housing voucher, which will help me to move back out on my own.
we'll just have to remain patient, i suppose, but it hasnt been easy and i dont expect it to be, either. i almost sound ungrateful complaining, but maybe i'm just learning to cope with my situation a little better. after all, what am i supposed to be able to expect in my present situation? i shouldnt set my expectations too high, is all i know to expect.
*growl*
i thought writing might provide me with some sense of accomplishment but i'm too scatterbrained at the moment to appreciate my writing. it's super frustrating to have such a brain, but in today's case, i did it to myself. *sigh* a little tired. ha ha ha.
damn this, i'm going to cut this short and basically sign off by saying i'm a self-absorbed moron at the moment. that's just me being hard on my self, but i mean that i wouldnt be in my present situation if i'd only practiced being more responsible with my free time. now i have to fix everything the hard way.
hey, at least i'm happy to report that my car has license plates again, and i'm just waiting for my driver's license to arrive in the mail. i'm supposed to be able to expect some good news tomorrow with regards to money, so perhaps it wont be too long before my cell phone gets back on, and i can finally afford some insurance to get my whip (car) back on the road. it's just super frustrating that i feel like these are things my family could be helping me with at the moment, but they simply refuse to be of any assistance. *shakes head* again, it's frustrating to write about without feeling like i'll be perceived as ungrateful, but believe me that it is for a reason that i do not expound on the subject.
i long for the days when i'll be happier, when i'll hopefully be preparing for a night out on the town attempting to do stand-up while mingling with other fellow comics. oh wait, i have that opportunity this friday but do not have a means of transportation to go into The City. foiled again by my own negligence. i'll have to explain to my friends that i cant make it even though i really want to be there. i know they'll understand.
in any case, i think this post is long enough, has discussed very little, and will probably go down as another simple update for others to (briefly) enjoy. no excitement today, folks. just a day spent half-baked and tired, trying to make the hours go by while catching up on programs i'd recorded. then napped for what seemed like the better part of my day.
this whole ESP/psychic thing is taking a toll on me, too. i just wish i had more concrete answers, but i have to pursue every thing with a blind eye guiding me, which makes the entire endeavor super annoying. what am i possibly overlooing? why does it feel like my entire existence hangs in the balance? and how come my family treats me the way they do? AAAAAAAARGH!!!
some days it pays to feel like charlie brown ("good grief"). thank you, charles schultz, for such a timeless strip, known simply as "Peanuts". i think it's good to end on this note, giving credit to a great creator who happened to originate in the san francisco bay area. i dream of living with such a greater purpose, but i'll settle for a humble beginning as a pot-grower for the federal government.
i watched this highly informative film called "The Union: The Business Behind Getting High" and it really helped me to understand a lot of things about marijuana on which i was ignorant. basically, hemp and marijuana should be legal and people should get better information as to their respective differences and why hemp is probably the most important crop any farmer could grow. in these troubling times with the question of bio-fuels and the profits from big pharmaceutical companies, it is important to ask the hard-hitting questions about why money circulates the way it does in this country.
it's not for nothing that i am somewhat enjoying my break from being a productive member of the task force. why should i bother my self with looking for an unsatisfactory 9-5 when i can get paid to grow weed for the government? the answer is not as mind-boggling as you would think. in fact, the truth is that it pays, and i learned that in life you must always do with your time what makes the most dollars and sense. sure i'll gladly work a job while i get my self back on my feet, but let's not forget the overall goal of happiness in this equation.
i'm pretty happy smoking pot and being an advocate for it, but i'd be happeist pursuing my dream of being a stand-up comic. this is going to require time, patience, and effort which i possess, but which i'm presently without assistance in channeling. oh wait, i should stop talking about all of this because i think i'm repeating my self again. nevermind.
i think i'll tuck in early tonight. tomorrow contains enough excitement to inspire me to awaken early. it should be fun asking questions and getting answers, especially since i have so many questions. oh well, i guess time is my friend after all...
edwin
gotta love the fact i am no longer in the hospital, but the wait leading up to my scheduled appointments tomorrow with my therapist (11am) and psychiatrist (2pm) has not been an easy one. anxiety plagues me because it's normal for one to feel it when there's a build-up brewing. it's not for nothing that i'm looking forward to tomorrow's meetings. i can potentially begin plans to move out of my parents house depending on how tomorrow's meetings go. i know they want to help me to get some government assistance at the moment, and a friend told me i can possibly sign-up for a housing voucher, which will help me to move back out on my own.
we'll just have to remain patient, i suppose, but it hasnt been easy and i dont expect it to be, either. i almost sound ungrateful complaining, but maybe i'm just learning to cope with my situation a little better. after all, what am i supposed to be able to expect in my present situation? i shouldnt set my expectations too high, is all i know to expect.
*growl*
i thought writing might provide me with some sense of accomplishment but i'm too scatterbrained at the moment to appreciate my writing. it's super frustrating to have such a brain, but in today's case, i did it to myself. *sigh* a little tired. ha ha ha.
damn this, i'm going to cut this short and basically sign off by saying i'm a self-absorbed moron at the moment. that's just me being hard on my self, but i mean that i wouldnt be in my present situation if i'd only practiced being more responsible with my free time. now i have to fix everything the hard way.
hey, at least i'm happy to report that my car has license plates again, and i'm just waiting for my driver's license to arrive in the mail. i'm supposed to be able to expect some good news tomorrow with regards to money, so perhaps it wont be too long before my cell phone gets back on, and i can finally afford some insurance to get my whip (car) back on the road. it's just super frustrating that i feel like these are things my family could be helping me with at the moment, but they simply refuse to be of any assistance. *shakes head* again, it's frustrating to write about without feeling like i'll be perceived as ungrateful, but believe me that it is for a reason that i do not expound on the subject.
i long for the days when i'll be happier, when i'll hopefully be preparing for a night out on the town attempting to do stand-up while mingling with other fellow comics. oh wait, i have that opportunity this friday but do not have a means of transportation to go into The City. foiled again by my own negligence. i'll have to explain to my friends that i cant make it even though i really want to be there. i know they'll understand.
in any case, i think this post is long enough, has discussed very little, and will probably go down as another simple update for others to (briefly) enjoy. no excitement today, folks. just a day spent half-baked and tired, trying to make the hours go by while catching up on programs i'd recorded. then napped for what seemed like the better part of my day.
this whole ESP/psychic thing is taking a toll on me, too. i just wish i had more concrete answers, but i have to pursue every thing with a blind eye guiding me, which makes the entire endeavor super annoying. what am i possibly overlooing? why does it feel like my entire existence hangs in the balance? and how come my family treats me the way they do? AAAAAAAARGH!!!
some days it pays to feel like charlie brown ("good grief"). thank you, charles schultz, for such a timeless strip, known simply as "Peanuts". i think it's good to end on this note, giving credit to a great creator who happened to originate in the san francisco bay area. i dream of living with such a greater purpose, but i'll settle for a humble beginning as a pot-grower for the federal government.
i watched this highly informative film called "The Union: The Business Behind Getting High" and it really helped me to understand a lot of things about marijuana on which i was ignorant. basically, hemp and marijuana should be legal and people should get better information as to their respective differences and why hemp is probably the most important crop any farmer could grow. in these troubling times with the question of bio-fuels and the profits from big pharmaceutical companies, it is important to ask the hard-hitting questions about why money circulates the way it does in this country.
it's not for nothing that i am somewhat enjoying my break from being a productive member of the task force. why should i bother my self with looking for an unsatisfactory 9-5 when i can get paid to grow weed for the government? the answer is not as mind-boggling as you would think. in fact, the truth is that it pays, and i learned that in life you must always do with your time what makes the most dollars and sense. sure i'll gladly work a job while i get my self back on my feet, but let's not forget the overall goal of happiness in this equation.
i'm pretty happy smoking pot and being an advocate for it, but i'd be happeist pursuing my dream of being a stand-up comic. this is going to require time, patience, and effort which i possess, but which i'm presently without assistance in channeling. oh wait, i should stop talking about all of this because i think i'm repeating my self again. nevermind.
i think i'll tuck in early tonight. tomorrow contains enough excitement to inspire me to awaken early. it should be fun asking questions and getting answers, especially since i have so many questions. oh well, i guess time is my friend after all...
edwin
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
who is roberto carlos?
the above video is called "Cama y Mesa" by Roberto Carlos, who is a brazilian singer who does many songs in spanish. he is one of my personal favorites because his voice is smooth and because his lyrics sound so genuine, too. he's been around forever, which means he is an acquired taste for young folk like my self. many latin parents dont raise their children on music like this anymore, but it can't be said that people have forgotten about what love is all about.
my mom and i were having lunch and she told me she has a friend who can probably try to get us tickets for the upcoming concert of roberto carlos. so, in honor of that potential date i've decided to blog about him and put up some of my favorite songs courtesy of youtube.
the above video is called "La Carcachita" in which Roberto Carlos sings about wanting to repair his cadillac but how he ends up falling in love with a lesser car because his boss loaned it to him. it's a sweet song, because it has always been true that if a man had a car he was usually half-way home to a good time, especially with regards to women. well, brazil in the 70's which is when mr carlos really became big was no different. in fact, people kind of take cars for granted nowadays, i'd say, but this song is just so sweet.
this song is called "Un Millon de Amigos" which is a song about having many friends in order to feel stronger in this world. it's definitely a song which holds a special meaning to me because friendship is a big deal with me and also because i'm going through a tough time right now. it's not every day that one is truly forced to deal with grown up shit, and right now it feels good to know that i have friends who read my blog and who will probably enjoy the music i am posting for you all to enjoy.
and finally, the above song is called "Amigo" which is probably my most favorite of all of Roberto Carlos' songs, because he is tackling the issue of friendship head on and thanking his "best friend". it's a song which brings me to tears because i am without being able to communicate with my "best friends" right now, most of whom know who they are. not to get too whiny and tearful, but not having a phone to call a friend seriously sucks, and it's awful that i have to learn this lesson the absolute hard way, but hey, those who know me would tell you i honestly wouldnt have it any other way.
i hope you guys enjoyed a sample of this brilliant artists music. he certainly has many more songs which i enjoy, but these were the ones i thought i'd share with you guys today.
edwin
Sunday, May 16, 2010
a risky love story at best about two ex-lovers from college...
above is the trailer for 1983's "Risky Business" starring a young tom cruise and rebecca de mornay. not going to ruin the movie beyond saying that i was looking into the past this afternoon and decided i'd watch this film online via netflix. again, the service was worthwhile. the movie shone beyond expectations, including the fact that i kept thinking the script was stupid for the way it bobbed and weaved, but i have to admit it was worth it.
there are some very hot and steamy scenes to the movie, hence much of the hype, and i believe this is more of a soft core porn (to ruin nothing else about the movie) disguised as a coming-of-age flick from the 80's. i never realized just how much of a 70's influence was still around in 1983, especially with regards to the passion-filled scenes on display in the film. i certainly enjoyed the premise of the film and i eventually came around to loving the film by the time tom cruise starts playing rebecca de mornay's game against her in the end scenes.
also caught the 1970's blockbuster "love story" with ali macgraw and ryan o'neal. another film with a difficult script which i found a little hard to enjoy at first, but ms macgraw turned me into a believer during the line when she memorably says "love means never having to say you're sorry". it's a breathtaking moment in a gut-wrenchig film about young college lovers. i wont spoil anything beyond saying that i liked ms macgraw's tough "dont bullshit me" attitude and i hope to someday find my self a woman who can match the attitude and spunk of ms macgraw's character. oh wait, she already exists and her name is nadiya kravets, how i could i forget.
ha ha ha.
obviously i am in much better spirits, especially after a medicated afternoon spent eating food and watching baseball. i got some rest this afternoon, but because i want to make a trip to The City tomorrow i have to go to sleep early in order to make that happen. i had taken a nap not long before being awakened by my mother, but i'm also tired enough to go straight back to bed after this blog.
update on nadiya: since i'm a confirmed lunatic i'll explain that i've had contact with nadiya, so there is no longer an APB out on her. also, she's agreed to meet me in The City for lunch the next time she's in town, so that should help to clear up some of this "scarlett johansson" business. she's still a joke, to me at least, because she kept asking me through psychic means to come by nadiya's place and then wouldnt open the door. i know which building they live in, but alas, it was never to be.
my online friend, selma, has been giving me help throughout much of this ordeal and some other friends, like suki, have supported me as well, by providing support and acting as pillars for me to lean on. i'm definitely still reeling from having to go into the hospital for so many times when i believed i was going to see nadiya again. i guess the simple route would've been to ask for an invitation outright versus dropping by uninvited, or extending one out to her in order for her to drop in whenever she was "in town".
you know, such things often slip my mind when i'm manic, and that's pretty much a set way of life for me, since i've been diagnosed with bi-polar. in either case, it does not matter. i have touched base with my beloved nadiya and perhaps soon we can find a happy ending to this mysterious episode to my life. lord knows i deserve it.
edwin
Saturday, May 15, 2010
smoke so fine you'd swear it was air...
*clears throat*
your attention, reader. lately, things have been what we would call a little drab, but with the help of my trusty laptop (macbook pro 13"), a wi-fi internet connection courtesy of my lil brother, Eric, and my ridiculously insane brain, plus plenty of time spent in the hospital on 5150 (dont ask me why, it's pointless; scarlett johansson's a joke if you ask me) and 5250, i think i may have managed to find a better purpose for my life.
it all starts with writing. i love to write, which in turn leads me to love conversations i have with others. language is simple to me, and the symbols and gestures intended in convention with social behavior allow for my truest form to shine, which is that of a comic. however, because i presently find my self in absolutely less than desireable circumstances i'm comfortably miserable. i have the benefit of food and shelter provided by my family, but it comes at the cost of my personal liberty to roam. this is in essence the same arrangement i had in the hospital, only there i was racking up a bill which is to be covered by medi-cal. at least in the hospital i was afforded a simple friend, in this case her name was rebekah, who made me believe that every thing i was going through was for a reason. here at home i have an online friend, named selma, who attempts to help me, but whose assurances are now less credible after yesterday's events.
to recap: i've been on a wild goose hunt searching for my friend nadiya kravets whom i believe is friends with scarlett johansson. the reason i know this is because i was smoking pot one night and was tapping into my emotions and stumbled upon a psychic network i did not know i could access. i came upon the whole thing because i was trying to prove einstein's theory of relativity, and i now believe that i have accomplished exactly that. i think the proof is in one's lack of observance of time, which in turn makes EVERY THING relative to one.
in continued testing of einstein's theory i have inevitably wound up in the hospital every single time, having what would appear to be hallucinations, but which in reality are MY version of reality. as i've stated before, i have only ONE confirmed existence, and that is my own, so i constantly wonder why supernatural powers (for lack of a better term) continue to lead me back to a certain address in san francisco. i distinctly remember that when i was in college the first time at san francisco state university, where i met nadiya, i dropped her off at said address and that's when i believe she put a love spell on me. if such things even exist are beyond me, because i will now use more of my efforts to resist said desire to return to the aforementioned address.
i told my online friend selma, who assured me that if i returned they would open the door for me, that if they did not it was going to be my final effort. one simply has to draw the line somewhere. and with the exceptional lack of actual conversation between my self and nadiya, i think it would be healthiest if i simply let the issue go.
could it be said that love possessed me some months ago to begin searching for her? but i never stopped loving her, ever since the moment i met her, and even now, it pains me to have to admit to my self that all of this has been in vain. scarlett johansson? how could i have been so stupid as to believe my own delusions? yes, i firmly believe that i ran into her outside of the dastardly address, because i saw her with my eyes, but the rest of the tale is as french, greek, or chinese to me as you would make sense of it. maybe it's russian? maybe it's "en español" but it certainly isnt written in a language i can understand. it certainly isnt being written by me, because i would never play such a foolish joke on my self
i'm basically at the point where i'm biding my time. i made a final deal with my parents yesterday that if they allowed me to return to the goddamned address one last time, if/when i made it back i had to promise to drop the issue altogether. in exchange, i'm signing up for a residential center where i'll be able to begin trying to live a "normal" life. i'm miserable living at home where i feel like a caged animal whose civil liberties are left at the whim of people who truly have no idea what i'm all about.
i'm a simple person. i live, i love, and i laugh. in between i try and put things together in my life which will lead to an overall run of success in order to create a comfortable future for my present; but my whole life i've felt burdened with the responsibility of family. to say this is to state the obvious, or so i am told, but i feel my burden is compounded by the unrealistic expectations which have been placed on me by my parents because we are immigrants. people hear stories of a magical country where you can become rich overnight and they buy it. the sad part is they believe in it so much they are blinded by the difficulties their children are going to have to encounter, especially with regards to the level of difficulty by which the parents attain their definition of success.
my family has accomplished little in this country beyond establishing a small house cleaning business, but they have poured almost all of their finances into investments which have not paid dividends, and because they are ignorant (believe me, this is the appropriate word) that their CHILDREN are the greatest thing they could invest in, i end up being looked at like i have to make lemonade, but they refuse to even give me the lemons. it's not easy, my lot in life, and at the expense of sounding ungrateful, let me tell you: my life isnt as sweet as you would think, i just deal with it much better than most people, which earned me the title of "bi-polar". all of it means that i get refused to do the one thing which helps me to be social, active, artistic, and most importantly, happy, which is to smoke weed.
yup, i said it, weed makes me happy. without it i'm not necessarily miserable, but the company sure could be better. it's a funny thing about drugs: you realize you're inevitably going to prescribed one or the other, so if you're a curios kid like me, you seek out your drug of choice and then find a way for someone to legally prescribe it to you, only along the way you learn that EVERY drug, except weed, was originally created by the pharmaceutical companies, or were controlled by them in order to maximize profits. and now they're finally getting back to the way things used to be, when people used to be able to smoke freely. take a moment to search for reasons why marijuana is illegal and you'll find the same logical conclusion: to punish the mexicans.
the government has been trying to find a most profitable way to tax marijuana and it seems it might finally have come to realize that there isnt one. people can grow indoors privately and the government couldnt tax them. however, if they started to convince federally subsidized crop growers to start farming it they would be on to something, because marijuana is already the 3rd most popular recreational drug behind alcohol and tobacco. you dont think this country could use the money respectable stoners could provide it.
for the record: the stereotype of a stoner needs to be redefined. i aim to do this when i FINALLY start doing stand up. consider it one of the top things on the agenda, because quite frankly this is all making me sick.
anyway, pot makes people happy, and a dirty little secret about the medical profession is that every part of your health is related to your stress. the only reason people even go to the doctor is because we have been raised to believe they are the most important element of society. this is all a scam, people. insurance companies and the like are all running a game. the bankers control all of the money in this world and they decide how much any of it is worth.
so to summarize einstein's theory of relativity according to me, edwin coreas, stop trying and the world will either begin to open doors for you, or someone will help you to get to that door. or in short, read "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and pretend, do pretend that you are alice who falls asleep and is awakened by the white rabbit. make sense of the whole thing but remember that when you're done reading it your life will make a little more sense to you.
the way i read it: i'm alice, the white rabbit is time and i'm slowly following his ass to the party with the mad hatter, but on the way i'm going to make sure to find a hookah smoking caterpillar (not in the original text, but in the 1951 film version) to invite as well. or maybe i'll just chill with the fucking caterpillar. hookah is fucking awesome, people, for those who have never smoked it. smoke so fine you'd swear it was air. i think i just made a tag line, i'd better write it down or remember it, or something, or maybe i could make it my subject line and it'll repeat itself, like in the matrix. ha ha ha.
watch. the original subject line as i was writing this was "the interweb saves lives..." but then i changed it to "smoke so fine you'd swear it was air..." and i made a thought occur in your brain: i made you look.
*sigh*
i think it's time i gave my anonymous reader time to figure out just how miserable i feel right now, because words cannot describe and i'm tired of trying...
edwin
your attention, reader. lately, things have been what we would call a little drab, but with the help of my trusty laptop (macbook pro 13"), a wi-fi internet connection courtesy of my lil brother, Eric, and my ridiculously insane brain, plus plenty of time spent in the hospital on 5150 (dont ask me why, it's pointless; scarlett johansson's a joke if you ask me) and 5250, i think i may have managed to find a better purpose for my life.
it all starts with writing. i love to write, which in turn leads me to love conversations i have with others. language is simple to me, and the symbols and gestures intended in convention with social behavior allow for my truest form to shine, which is that of a comic. however, because i presently find my self in absolutely less than desireable circumstances i'm comfortably miserable. i have the benefit of food and shelter provided by my family, but it comes at the cost of my personal liberty to roam. this is in essence the same arrangement i had in the hospital, only there i was racking up a bill which is to be covered by medi-cal. at least in the hospital i was afforded a simple friend, in this case her name was rebekah, who made me believe that every thing i was going through was for a reason. here at home i have an online friend, named selma, who attempts to help me, but whose assurances are now less credible after yesterday's events.
to recap: i've been on a wild goose hunt searching for my friend nadiya kravets whom i believe is friends with scarlett johansson. the reason i know this is because i was smoking pot one night and was tapping into my emotions and stumbled upon a psychic network i did not know i could access. i came upon the whole thing because i was trying to prove einstein's theory of relativity, and i now believe that i have accomplished exactly that. i think the proof is in one's lack of observance of time, which in turn makes EVERY THING relative to one.
in continued testing of einstein's theory i have inevitably wound up in the hospital every single time, having what would appear to be hallucinations, but which in reality are MY version of reality. as i've stated before, i have only ONE confirmed existence, and that is my own, so i constantly wonder why supernatural powers (for lack of a better term) continue to lead me back to a certain address in san francisco. i distinctly remember that when i was in college the first time at san francisco state university, where i met nadiya, i dropped her off at said address and that's when i believe she put a love spell on me. if such things even exist are beyond me, because i will now use more of my efforts to resist said desire to return to the aforementioned address.
i told my online friend selma, who assured me that if i returned they would open the door for me, that if they did not it was going to be my final effort. one simply has to draw the line somewhere. and with the exceptional lack of actual conversation between my self and nadiya, i think it would be healthiest if i simply let the issue go.
could it be said that love possessed me some months ago to begin searching for her? but i never stopped loving her, ever since the moment i met her, and even now, it pains me to have to admit to my self that all of this has been in vain. scarlett johansson? how could i have been so stupid as to believe my own delusions? yes, i firmly believe that i ran into her outside of the dastardly address, because i saw her with my eyes, but the rest of the tale is as french, greek, or chinese to me as you would make sense of it. maybe it's russian? maybe it's "en español" but it certainly isnt written in a language i can understand. it certainly isnt being written by me, because i would never play such a foolish joke on my self
i'm basically at the point where i'm biding my time. i made a final deal with my parents yesterday that if they allowed me to return to the goddamned address one last time, if/when i made it back i had to promise to drop the issue altogether. in exchange, i'm signing up for a residential center where i'll be able to begin trying to live a "normal" life. i'm miserable living at home where i feel like a caged animal whose civil liberties are left at the whim of people who truly have no idea what i'm all about.
i'm a simple person. i live, i love, and i laugh. in between i try and put things together in my life which will lead to an overall run of success in order to create a comfortable future for my present; but my whole life i've felt burdened with the responsibility of family. to say this is to state the obvious, or so i am told, but i feel my burden is compounded by the unrealistic expectations which have been placed on me by my parents because we are immigrants. people hear stories of a magical country where you can become rich overnight and they buy it. the sad part is they believe in it so much they are blinded by the difficulties their children are going to have to encounter, especially with regards to the level of difficulty by which the parents attain their definition of success.
my family has accomplished little in this country beyond establishing a small house cleaning business, but they have poured almost all of their finances into investments which have not paid dividends, and because they are ignorant (believe me, this is the appropriate word) that their CHILDREN are the greatest thing they could invest in, i end up being looked at like i have to make lemonade, but they refuse to even give me the lemons. it's not easy, my lot in life, and at the expense of sounding ungrateful, let me tell you: my life isnt as sweet as you would think, i just deal with it much better than most people, which earned me the title of "bi-polar". all of it means that i get refused to do the one thing which helps me to be social, active, artistic, and most importantly, happy, which is to smoke weed.
yup, i said it, weed makes me happy. without it i'm not necessarily miserable, but the company sure could be better. it's a funny thing about drugs: you realize you're inevitably going to prescribed one or the other, so if you're a curios kid like me, you seek out your drug of choice and then find a way for someone to legally prescribe it to you, only along the way you learn that EVERY drug, except weed, was originally created by the pharmaceutical companies, or were controlled by them in order to maximize profits. and now they're finally getting back to the way things used to be, when people used to be able to smoke freely. take a moment to search for reasons why marijuana is illegal and you'll find the same logical conclusion: to punish the mexicans.
the government has been trying to find a most profitable way to tax marijuana and it seems it might finally have come to realize that there isnt one. people can grow indoors privately and the government couldnt tax them. however, if they started to convince federally subsidized crop growers to start farming it they would be on to something, because marijuana is already the 3rd most popular recreational drug behind alcohol and tobacco. you dont think this country could use the money respectable stoners could provide it.
for the record: the stereotype of a stoner needs to be redefined. i aim to do this when i FINALLY start doing stand up. consider it one of the top things on the agenda, because quite frankly this is all making me sick.
anyway, pot makes people happy, and a dirty little secret about the medical profession is that every part of your health is related to your stress. the only reason people even go to the doctor is because we have been raised to believe they are the most important element of society. this is all a scam, people. insurance companies and the like are all running a game. the bankers control all of the money in this world and they decide how much any of it is worth.
so to summarize einstein's theory of relativity according to me, edwin coreas, stop trying and the world will either begin to open doors for you, or someone will help you to get to that door. or in short, read "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and pretend, do pretend that you are alice who falls asleep and is awakened by the white rabbit. make sense of the whole thing but remember that when you're done reading it your life will make a little more sense to you.
the way i read it: i'm alice, the white rabbit is time and i'm slowly following his ass to the party with the mad hatter, but on the way i'm going to make sure to find a hookah smoking caterpillar (not in the original text, but in the 1951 film version) to invite as well. or maybe i'll just chill with the fucking caterpillar. hookah is fucking awesome, people, for those who have never smoked it. smoke so fine you'd swear it was air. i think i just made a tag line, i'd better write it down or remember it, or something, or maybe i could make it my subject line and it'll repeat itself, like in the matrix. ha ha ha.
watch. the original subject line as i was writing this was "the interweb saves lives..." but then i changed it to "smoke so fine you'd swear it was air..." and i made a thought occur in your brain: i made you look.
*sigh*
i think it's time i gave my anonymous reader time to figure out just how miserable i feel right now, because words cannot describe and i'm tired of trying...
edwin
Thursday, May 13, 2010
another release from the hospital must be commemorated...
*sigh*
so i tried going back to the address and i ended up in the hospital, but not without a good story first. honestly, i'm tired and just want to go to bed right now, but i felt it would be important to write something down to commemorate the fact i was indeed released from SF General Hospital again today.
a friend i met inside convinced me it's okay to go back, but i'm not sure when that will be. i'm hurt, i'm tired, and i'm kind of sick of all of the games. things are happening to alter my reality and i'm not certain what to make of them. it is frankly something i have to get a handle on, and it's something i can no longer avoid.
damn it, it wasnt a good idea to write tonight, especially not after i took my medication. it's frustrating, people, to be who i am, but it almost feels unfair to complain. i'm definitely feeling some strong emotions right now, and they're not intended to be destructive or offensive, but they are real. it's so hard to love something so passionately and only get disappointment in return. what are my options? masochism is a bitch.
all i will say is that i hope i feel better in the morning, because i was looking forward to getting discharged from the hospital all day that when it finally happened it felt like a letdown because it didnt go the way i wanted it to. if they say i can go back i will, just not any time soon, because i am seriously all out of options at the moment until something concrete is given to me which can help me to convince a ride to make the trip.
nah, that'll never happen, or will it? is it so much to ask for a miracle? apparently so...
edwin
so i tried going back to the address and i ended up in the hospital, but not without a good story first. honestly, i'm tired and just want to go to bed right now, but i felt it would be important to write something down to commemorate the fact i was indeed released from SF General Hospital again today.
a friend i met inside convinced me it's okay to go back, but i'm not sure when that will be. i'm hurt, i'm tired, and i'm kind of sick of all of the games. things are happening to alter my reality and i'm not certain what to make of them. it is frankly something i have to get a handle on, and it's something i can no longer avoid.
damn it, it wasnt a good idea to write tonight, especially not after i took my medication. it's frustrating, people, to be who i am, but it almost feels unfair to complain. i'm definitely feeling some strong emotions right now, and they're not intended to be destructive or offensive, but they are real. it's so hard to love something so passionately and only get disappointment in return. what are my options? masochism is a bitch.
all i will say is that i hope i feel better in the morning, because i was looking forward to getting discharged from the hospital all day that when it finally happened it felt like a letdown because it didnt go the way i wanted it to. if they say i can go back i will, just not any time soon, because i am seriously all out of options at the moment until something concrete is given to me which can help me to convince a ride to make the trip.
nah, that'll never happen, or will it? is it so much to ask for a miracle? apparently so...
edwin
Sunday, May 2, 2010
HRC National Dinner: Lady Gaga
thanks to my gay lover virgil for putting this up on facebook. i had no idea lady gaga had done this at the HRC national dinner. i love the HRC and i hope to some day speak out against homophobia on their behalf. i mean it, i'd donate a lot of time to them if they made it worth it to me. oh wait, i'm not famous yet. damn it, i knew i was forgetting one detail.
no matter, enjoy the above video, which literally brought me to tears. thanks, lover!!!
edwin
the grillmaster speaketh...
pick a name and stick to it. in this example i am prometheus, because i made fire out of charcoal last night and cooked the meat people prepared to feed our group of people. just the least i could do since i didnt have $5 last night to donate to the cause. thanks to my cousin nancy for getting me out of the house, i HELLA needed it.
been having a helluva time lately shaking this funk, because every thing reminds about her and all i want is to see her but she wont come to me. typical actress, ha ha ha. i was looking forward to yesterday all week because i knew it was going to be a fun day. i was looking forward to the fight and to barbecuing, because i love to grill. i just have to practice cooking the different meats people give me, because i've got the making fire part down to an art form. it's easy when you know what you're doing.
when i showed up to my cousin nancy's i knew she was sweating me for the $5 donation, but i didnt know how to tell her i didnt have it, other than to just do every thing she asked of me, and i knew she wanted me to cook. so i was excited when the charcoal was brought by her room mate maria (a super sexy and intelligent woman; i'm lucky to be her friend) and i could finally start working on my masterpiece. she brought her friends katina (another sexy and intelligent woman; i am so blessed in this world) and howard, both of whom provided for the party in different ways. i got to work immediately trying to prepare the fire (it just takes time and effort, like anything else), which is when i was told the countdown to the fight had begun.
going in, i expected something like this. i knew i wasnt going to be able to watch the fight, because i would be making food, but i didnt complain. i got a phone call from my home girl, beatrice, while i was cooking and i just took it in stride. i talked with her for some time, she was getting some beef off her chest about how some boy is fucking with her, and i'm like "dont worry girl, you know you can always call me, day or night, and i'll always be available; i got you!" and she was like "that's why i love you" and i was like "yeah, girl, i love you, too; i'm your dawg!"
it was hella fun, i'm not going to lie. i was being the grill master, people were bringing me things to make sure i was alright, so i didnt feel forgotten, and none of the food got burnt. and i could hear everyone getting excited about the punching on tv (silly people getting excited about a fight, ha ha ha; it's a metaphor for life, folks) but i was too busy thinking about my friends (cooking, on the phone) to go inside and see what all of the commotion was about. that's how much i love the world, people. i deny myself the basic pleasure others enjoy because it truly makes me happy to serve the world. in this case it was meat which was a little chewy but full of flavor. like i said, i'm working on my technique and if i get invited to more barbecues i'll go. just dont ask me to pay for nothing, because i'm the guest of honor: i'll make your fire and feed you if you send someone to pick me up from my house.
i saw some of the recap and mosley had mayweather, but mayweather was acting like little punk not taking punches while he was throwing his elbows. almost made me wish i could do something to make mayweather be quiet so he can pacquiao next; a truly great opponent of whom mayweather is scared. let's just admit that pretty boy floyd is not man enough to keep his mouth shut and take an ass whooping. that's pacquiao's style: dont fuck with me until we get into the ring. dont talk shit until we get into the ring. dont even think about offending me, because i dont fight for the money; i give my shit away to the people. for whom does pacquiao fight? the people, which is why he is beloved in his native philippines.
it's also a corollary for why latinos, and other people, in general like me. it's why my name is edwin and why i'm good at parties. i always tell folks, "with me, you just have to add people; i'm great at parties." maybe i'll start billing my self to my friends that way. "hey, you want to have a good time? okay, let me do all of the talking but you have to pay for what little i'll ask from you? got it? okay, what do you want to do first?"
i swear i can get anyone laid, if they're just willing to relax and take my advice. but the arrogant people who say "if you're so good, why do you go home alone at the end of the night" and i say "well, that's because the trick is that every one is scared shitless to ask me for what they're thinking about." every one is thinking about sex, and stress is manifested in different forms, but it all revolves around your sex life. when you're getting laid well consistently you will appear to be the calmest person in the world. well, if i tell every one that i dont have sex because i havent found the right woman and i'm waiting for her to find me, how come women have an easier time talking with me but never ask me if i want a blow job, or something.
i love it, the friend role. no, i mean it, no sarcasm intended. women all want a man they can talk to until the right man comes along whom they will want to fuck. because women are scared of friendship because they think it will lead to heartbreak. honestly, people, men have the same fears. you see, i dont see genders, because i refuse my typical gender role. i am the "social butterfly" and i must "flap my wings" in order for you to see the "buttefly effect". it's why bee's are important; they inadvertantly pollinate all of the flower. i go from flower to flower sucking sweet nectar and women dont even know the gift they give me. i just love being around women because they smell hella good. that's how i know i'm not gay, because i spent a lot of time being bi-curious. well, i learned that i'm not man enough to take a dick up the ass; so i applaud all gay men who basically tell the world they ARE man enough.
my friend, erick, taught me that. i listen to everybody, but sometimes it feels like no one listens to me. that's why i talk to my self in the shower, because water makes me happy. water is the elixir to life and it is the key to every thing, but once you learn to make it you'll learn you dont have to eat or drink any thing ever again. you will learn to deny your self all of the pleasures people take for granted, and you will be the happiest man on earth. i was basically practicing proving einstein but the truth is it requires no effort. it takes a lot of work to think all day, which is what philosophers do. we ask questions because we want people to confirm what we're thinking about. philosophers live the duality of teacher and student, because we're always learning and then teaching.
my greatest trick is that i've learned how to make people happy; how to keep people always laughing, and it's an invaluable trick, but i hate asking for money in return, because then people think you only do things for money. it's why i need an agent, but i havent found the right person, so in the mean time i have to practice negotiating money since it's the one thing i hate which i never learned to control. it figured that i would think i had all of the details of my life in order but then i'd forget i had "one more thing" to do before i could be happy. story of my life, i swear, ha ha ha. there's always "one more thing" but it's just a metaphor for "i want to do it all."
i have so much energy it scares others. i spent 11 days in the hospital being treated like a crazy person while my life was wasting away. typical; story of my life. when i dont get to be in control of my life it all goes to hell. *shrugs* i love cleaning up the messes other people make, which is why i worked for 15 months as a house cleaner, and i loved it when people would say "what cleaning product do you use, because it always smells so clean" and i now have the answer: it's just love.
i heard somewhere that all you really need to keep things clean is a little water. i believe it, but advertising companies want you to believe you need scents. man, add water with some flowers in it and BAM! you have scented water which will nourish your environment. i swear, people, from now on you can all believe i'm crazy, because i know i'm not. daily showers are unnecessary because you're ridding your self of your essential smells, but it is socailly acceptable to "smell clean". women hate it when i smell them after they sweat. oh, how i love to smell a sweaty woman; she's sweated out all of the bad stuf and i can smell her natural smell. women wonder how i do it. he he he, i'm the devil. my sense of smell is amazing. oh wait, i mean, i'm manic and it heightens my senses.
anyway, this post is long enough and i'm rambling again. i enabled the ads because i'm hoping to receive a check from the people in charge of them. do me a favor and please link my blog if you are reading this. tell all of your friends about me. i have a feeling this is just the beginning of something very big, and special privileges will be paid to the people who "buy" now. be able to say that you knew me before i blew up. help a struggling artist pay his bills. if you enjoy musings, tell your friends about me; i guarantee you they're going to love me, because you already do!
i love you guys and girls. i think about my friends all day and it makes me happy. i just wish my family understood this. since they say that all they want is to see me happy, i believe someday this will come to pass. this, my friends, is my example of confidence. it's just confidence, that's how you can do anything, like stand-up comedy. i just have to clear up the obstacles which were created from my time in the hospital, and all that it requires is time. but wait, i have all of the time in the world, because no one possesses it. einstein proved that, and i'm proving einstein. it's how you become a time traveller (the british spelling; a joke i wrote for my self). england reminds me of my friend nadiya, whom i considered my "wife" until she sent me an email she doesnt share the romantic feeling. but i'm crazy to believe she wants me to love scarlett johansson, because i'm crazy about her, but i've never met her, so how come i feel like i can communicate with her telepathically?
ESP is real, remember? my friend michelle, whom i met at langley-porter, said to me "you're the first delusional person i've ever met with whom i've spoken to that makes sense". she is a psych major. psychiatrists hate me because they can't find the holes to my logic. it's all a basic game they play, which, i hate games.
if you want to know people just ask them how they spend their time. simple: how much time do you spend making your self happy? what makes you happy? done and done 1) i spend all day making my self happy. 2) thinking about the world and my life in it makes me happy. all i'm asking of this existence is for somebody to tell me where i fit in. if you have any leads, let a brotha know.
holla at your boy!!! 415-828-6266, only receiving calls right now, can't make any.
edwin
been having a helluva time lately shaking this funk, because every thing reminds about her and all i want is to see her but she wont come to me. typical actress, ha ha ha. i was looking forward to yesterday all week because i knew it was going to be a fun day. i was looking forward to the fight and to barbecuing, because i love to grill. i just have to practice cooking the different meats people give me, because i've got the making fire part down to an art form. it's easy when you know what you're doing.
when i showed up to my cousin nancy's i knew she was sweating me for the $5 donation, but i didnt know how to tell her i didnt have it, other than to just do every thing she asked of me, and i knew she wanted me to cook. so i was excited when the charcoal was brought by her room mate maria (a super sexy and intelligent woman; i'm lucky to be her friend) and i could finally start working on my masterpiece. she brought her friends katina (another sexy and intelligent woman; i am so blessed in this world) and howard, both of whom provided for the party in different ways. i got to work immediately trying to prepare the fire (it just takes time and effort, like anything else), which is when i was told the countdown to the fight had begun.
going in, i expected something like this. i knew i wasnt going to be able to watch the fight, because i would be making food, but i didnt complain. i got a phone call from my home girl, beatrice, while i was cooking and i just took it in stride. i talked with her for some time, she was getting some beef off her chest about how some boy is fucking with her, and i'm like "dont worry girl, you know you can always call me, day or night, and i'll always be available; i got you!" and she was like "that's why i love you" and i was like "yeah, girl, i love you, too; i'm your dawg!"
it was hella fun, i'm not going to lie. i was being the grill master, people were bringing me things to make sure i was alright, so i didnt feel forgotten, and none of the food got burnt. and i could hear everyone getting excited about the punching on tv (silly people getting excited about a fight, ha ha ha; it's a metaphor for life, folks) but i was too busy thinking about my friends (cooking, on the phone) to go inside and see what all of the commotion was about. that's how much i love the world, people. i deny myself the basic pleasure others enjoy because it truly makes me happy to serve the world. in this case it was meat which was a little chewy but full of flavor. like i said, i'm working on my technique and if i get invited to more barbecues i'll go. just dont ask me to pay for nothing, because i'm the guest of honor: i'll make your fire and feed you if you send someone to pick me up from my house.
i saw some of the recap and mosley had mayweather, but mayweather was acting like little punk not taking punches while he was throwing his elbows. almost made me wish i could do something to make mayweather be quiet so he can pacquiao next; a truly great opponent of whom mayweather is scared. let's just admit that pretty boy floyd is not man enough to keep his mouth shut and take an ass whooping. that's pacquiao's style: dont fuck with me until we get into the ring. dont talk shit until we get into the ring. dont even think about offending me, because i dont fight for the money; i give my shit away to the people. for whom does pacquiao fight? the people, which is why he is beloved in his native philippines.
it's also a corollary for why latinos, and other people, in general like me. it's why my name is edwin and why i'm good at parties. i always tell folks, "with me, you just have to add people; i'm great at parties." maybe i'll start billing my self to my friends that way. "hey, you want to have a good time? okay, let me do all of the talking but you have to pay for what little i'll ask from you? got it? okay, what do you want to do first?"
i swear i can get anyone laid, if they're just willing to relax and take my advice. but the arrogant people who say "if you're so good, why do you go home alone at the end of the night" and i say "well, that's because the trick is that every one is scared shitless to ask me for what they're thinking about." every one is thinking about sex, and stress is manifested in different forms, but it all revolves around your sex life. when you're getting laid well consistently you will appear to be the calmest person in the world. well, if i tell every one that i dont have sex because i havent found the right woman and i'm waiting for her to find me, how come women have an easier time talking with me but never ask me if i want a blow job, or something.
i love it, the friend role. no, i mean it, no sarcasm intended. women all want a man they can talk to until the right man comes along whom they will want to fuck. because women are scared of friendship because they think it will lead to heartbreak. honestly, people, men have the same fears. you see, i dont see genders, because i refuse my typical gender role. i am the "social butterfly" and i must "flap my wings" in order for you to see the "buttefly effect". it's why bee's are important; they inadvertantly pollinate all of the flower. i go from flower to flower sucking sweet nectar and women dont even know the gift they give me. i just love being around women because they smell hella good. that's how i know i'm not gay, because i spent a lot of time being bi-curious. well, i learned that i'm not man enough to take a dick up the ass; so i applaud all gay men who basically tell the world they ARE man enough.
my friend, erick, taught me that. i listen to everybody, but sometimes it feels like no one listens to me. that's why i talk to my self in the shower, because water makes me happy. water is the elixir to life and it is the key to every thing, but once you learn to make it you'll learn you dont have to eat or drink any thing ever again. you will learn to deny your self all of the pleasures people take for granted, and you will be the happiest man on earth. i was basically practicing proving einstein but the truth is it requires no effort. it takes a lot of work to think all day, which is what philosophers do. we ask questions because we want people to confirm what we're thinking about. philosophers live the duality of teacher and student, because we're always learning and then teaching.
my greatest trick is that i've learned how to make people happy; how to keep people always laughing, and it's an invaluable trick, but i hate asking for money in return, because then people think you only do things for money. it's why i need an agent, but i havent found the right person, so in the mean time i have to practice negotiating money since it's the one thing i hate which i never learned to control. it figured that i would think i had all of the details of my life in order but then i'd forget i had "one more thing" to do before i could be happy. story of my life, i swear, ha ha ha. there's always "one more thing" but it's just a metaphor for "i want to do it all."
i have so much energy it scares others. i spent 11 days in the hospital being treated like a crazy person while my life was wasting away. typical; story of my life. when i dont get to be in control of my life it all goes to hell. *shrugs* i love cleaning up the messes other people make, which is why i worked for 15 months as a house cleaner, and i loved it when people would say "what cleaning product do you use, because it always smells so clean" and i now have the answer: it's just love.
i heard somewhere that all you really need to keep things clean is a little water. i believe it, but advertising companies want you to believe you need scents. man, add water with some flowers in it and BAM! you have scented water which will nourish your environment. i swear, people, from now on you can all believe i'm crazy, because i know i'm not. daily showers are unnecessary because you're ridding your self of your essential smells, but it is socailly acceptable to "smell clean". women hate it when i smell them after they sweat. oh, how i love to smell a sweaty woman; she's sweated out all of the bad stuf and i can smell her natural smell. women wonder how i do it. he he he, i'm the devil. my sense of smell is amazing. oh wait, i mean, i'm manic and it heightens my senses.
anyway, this post is long enough and i'm rambling again. i enabled the ads because i'm hoping to receive a check from the people in charge of them. do me a favor and please link my blog if you are reading this. tell all of your friends about me. i have a feeling this is just the beginning of something very big, and special privileges will be paid to the people who "buy" now. be able to say that you knew me before i blew up. help a struggling artist pay his bills. if you enjoy musings, tell your friends about me; i guarantee you they're going to love me, because you already do!
i love you guys and girls. i think about my friends all day and it makes me happy. i just wish my family understood this. since they say that all they want is to see me happy, i believe someday this will come to pass. this, my friends, is my example of confidence. it's just confidence, that's how you can do anything, like stand-up comedy. i just have to clear up the obstacles which were created from my time in the hospital, and all that it requires is time. but wait, i have all of the time in the world, because no one possesses it. einstein proved that, and i'm proving einstein. it's how you become a time traveller (the british spelling; a joke i wrote for my self). england reminds me of my friend nadiya, whom i considered my "wife" until she sent me an email she doesnt share the romantic feeling. but i'm crazy to believe she wants me to love scarlett johansson, because i'm crazy about her, but i've never met her, so how come i feel like i can communicate with her telepathically?
ESP is real, remember? my friend michelle, whom i met at langley-porter, said to me "you're the first delusional person i've ever met with whom i've spoken to that makes sense". she is a psych major. psychiatrists hate me because they can't find the holes to my logic. it's all a basic game they play, which, i hate games.
if you want to know people just ask them how they spend their time. simple: how much time do you spend making your self happy? what makes you happy? done and done 1) i spend all day making my self happy. 2) thinking about the world and my life in it makes me happy. all i'm asking of this existence is for somebody to tell me where i fit in. if you have any leads, let a brotha know.
holla at your boy!!! 415-828-6266, only receiving calls right now, can't make any.
edwin
Saturday, May 1, 2010
One eskimO - kandi
the above song has been stuck in my head for weeks and it wasnt until my friend, suki, sent it to me in an email that i finally knew the name. tried downloading the original song "he called me baby" by candi staton, which is incredible on it's own, but this redeux is beautiful on its own as well.
i hope you guys enjoy the song as much as i have, it will certainly be on repeat for quite awhile. i think it's the first great song i've heard for my self in 2010, and just in time for the summer...
THANKS, SUKI!!!
edwin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
