it's not even a question, it's an attitidue. what's the point? what's the purpose? why should i care? the more i think about it, the harder it is to come up with satisfying answers. i dont know when it happened, really, but i think i've become more cynical and more of a curmudgeon.
while it is true that there remains a happy, outgoing, gregarious, fun-loving person inside of me, that person has not been seen consistently in quite some time, and i know exactly why. as was famously once sung by the Wu-Tang Clan "cash rules everything around me." that's as simple as i can put it. there's more, of course, but who wants to read something complicated right now, ha ha ha. i certainly dont feel like spilling all of my beans, but know it will happen eventually.
* fine, we'll jump into it for a minute, just to see where it takes us...
i'm annoyed because i dont have a job, but even though i'm thisclose to landing a job, i still cant stop being annoyed. what gives? where did all of this anxiety come from?
so, i get it. i'm soon supposed to be able to do some things which i had not been able to afford before, but so what? i've learned to live with less attention and socializing, which may or may not be a good thing. i've learned to live in a way i never would've thought logical for me, but which seems logical to me now, upon hindsight. it's crazy, because it is my craziness which led me to this dead end.
a year ago i remember feeling like i was on super-fuel, or something. i was manic, of course, but it felt good, honest, and genuine. at least i could tap into my head and believe something, which has become increasingly more difficult in the year that has passed. i can't even imagine myself happy anymore, much less happy with someone else attached to the picture. who would want to sign up for this anyway? seriously, women have enough reasons to leave me alone, i dont have enough reasons to convince them otherwise. or so it feels that way.
and that's the point i'm trying to make.
some days i wish to be forgotten, to disappear completely, and other days i dont care either way. this type of detachment had never seemed "possible" to me. i'd always known it to exist, but i never believed i would ever reach the point where i would find myself so detached from everything that any one thing could be interpreted as inspiring or depressing. have i "explored my mind" so deeply that i've become someone else? am i still me, or am i learning to become my self? it's all one revelation after another to me, but with no one taking notes, it's easy to fall behind.
and then the other negative feelings sink in and i'm forced to find a life preserver in my imaginary sea of despair as i attempt to tread water. this is going to be a lot of fun. if only i were this physically active in real life. then i'd be much happier, right? you'd think it were that easy, but when you're really good at rationalizing things to fit your perspective and opinion, you find it's much better to remain inactive while continuing to ponder life's greater mysteries. maybe i'll incorporate a physical routine soon. "havent you been trying to do that since forever? i remember last year and the one before that you were raving about wanting to get back into shape, what happened?" shut up voice of reason, no one asked for your opinion.
* great, i've managed to write this much without saying anything and only serving to come off as a whiny nincompoop.
well, screw it, i dont care. i'm going to keep on writing nonsense and gibberish and i'll let the audience figure it out. i'm a terrible writer now, but you just wait until i figure it out. i'm going to be somebody someday. "yeah, yeah, the typical overtures, let him speak and when he's done just nod your head to the nice man and walk away..."
see, even in my own head, i dont get no respect. it's hard to argue with rodney dangerfield's (may he rest in peace) timeless joke. oh, how i wish my life was nothing more than...
well, is it even really worth reducing? isnt mediocrity all i have to look forward to? didnt we already have this discussion, or am i off my meds again? damn it, i thought life would be a little easier, until i realized i was in control every step of the way, until...
now you've done it. you've managed to spark the other thoughts which bring us down. ARGH! it's...so...goddamned...frustrating! to think is so easy, but to explain is so complicated. you never know just how far your audience has gotten, you never know how much they care, and you never get an indication of what exactly is working until after the fact, which is when i've typically found myself under observation.
and then the state wants me to sit around while they take their time to get back to me on my SSI benefits? you see my dilemma? no, i havent made it clear? well, either speak up and ask a question or be endlessly confused by my rants.
i mentioned how i'm close to getting a job, but i'm also in line to see if i'm going to get SSI benefits. the conflict of interest between these two is that if you're receiving benefits, you're either not allowed to work, or not allowed to make more than you receive in benefits. this troubles me because it places a real cap on just how much i can expect to make, without ever knowing for sure, because i'm not working yet, and i dont know the rules, ha ha ha.
next comes how i hate money, but it manages to dominate the important aspects of my life. it paralyzes me to think just how anyone manages to find someone else in this world with whom to share our impending mediocrity.
wait, hold on a minute!
when the hell did living the simple life become synonymous with mediocrity? shouldnt one be so lucky as to find anyone who would 1) love me 2) respect me 3) choose to want to be with me for the rest of my life? yeah, one should be so lucky, but the scope with which one works is often to wide, thus rendering the view overwhelming to outside observers. at least, that's what i want to believe.
anyway, for those of you who like to have well-written articles (why are you reading this?), i'll attempt to combine the points i was trying to make in an easy to follow format. just give me a minute to read over what i wrote in order for this to make as much sense as it's possibly going to make...
* i read it over quickly (typical me, hence a typically half-baked article), here's what i came up with:
1) i'm annoyed because i want to be happy but only seem to be able to find reasons to be miserable, even though i am responsible for most of my misery, excluding the strange/crazy 3-month episode that happend last year.
2) i'm upset that no clear explanation has surfaced, whether imagined or otherwise, for why i experienced the craziest three months of my life. i dont expect this to change, which only serves to frustrate me further.
3) i'm annoyed that i want a relationship but find myself undeserving of one because at a minimum i'm not even a productive member of society, i'm just a humble slacker who is trying to finish college. somehow, i find this is unattractive to the women i claim to want to be chasing.
4) i'm upset because i dream in such grand notes, but do very little to actually achieve said notes. i blame this on my "dreaming". they dont warn you on the dangers of dreaming to big, do they?
5) i want to be happy, but it seems i'm too overwhelmed by my general life's circumstance to feel powerful enough to do anything.
6) worth mentioning: it irritates me to know just how much i can accomplish if i'm willing to learn how to lie, cheat, and steal to obtain my life's goals. sure, i might be unpopular, but i'll be successful, which means i'll have a lot of money, ha ha ha. oh boy, i'm so delusional i can't even tell when i'm delusional anymore.
are you guys SURE i'm not off my meds right now?
edwin
while it is true that there remains a happy, outgoing, gregarious, fun-loving person inside of me, that person has not been seen consistently in quite some time, and i know exactly why. as was famously once sung by the Wu-Tang Clan "cash rules everything around me." that's as simple as i can put it. there's more, of course, but who wants to read something complicated right now, ha ha ha. i certainly dont feel like spilling all of my beans, but know it will happen eventually.
* fine, we'll jump into it for a minute, just to see where it takes us...
i'm annoyed because i dont have a job, but even though i'm thisclose to landing a job, i still cant stop being annoyed. what gives? where did all of this anxiety come from?
so, i get it. i'm soon supposed to be able to do some things which i had not been able to afford before, but so what? i've learned to live with less attention and socializing, which may or may not be a good thing. i've learned to live in a way i never would've thought logical for me, but which seems logical to me now, upon hindsight. it's crazy, because it is my craziness which led me to this dead end.
a year ago i remember feeling like i was on super-fuel, or something. i was manic, of course, but it felt good, honest, and genuine. at least i could tap into my head and believe something, which has become increasingly more difficult in the year that has passed. i can't even imagine myself happy anymore, much less happy with someone else attached to the picture. who would want to sign up for this anyway? seriously, women have enough reasons to leave me alone, i dont have enough reasons to convince them otherwise. or so it feels that way.
and that's the point i'm trying to make.
some days i wish to be forgotten, to disappear completely, and other days i dont care either way. this type of detachment had never seemed "possible" to me. i'd always known it to exist, but i never believed i would ever reach the point where i would find myself so detached from everything that any one thing could be interpreted as inspiring or depressing. have i "explored my mind" so deeply that i've become someone else? am i still me, or am i learning to become my self? it's all one revelation after another to me, but with no one taking notes, it's easy to fall behind.
and then the other negative feelings sink in and i'm forced to find a life preserver in my imaginary sea of despair as i attempt to tread water. this is going to be a lot of fun. if only i were this physically active in real life. then i'd be much happier, right? you'd think it were that easy, but when you're really good at rationalizing things to fit your perspective and opinion, you find it's much better to remain inactive while continuing to ponder life's greater mysteries. maybe i'll incorporate a physical routine soon. "havent you been trying to do that since forever? i remember last year and the one before that you were raving about wanting to get back into shape, what happened?" shut up voice of reason, no one asked for your opinion.
* great, i've managed to write this much without saying anything and only serving to come off as a whiny nincompoop.
well, screw it, i dont care. i'm going to keep on writing nonsense and gibberish and i'll let the audience figure it out. i'm a terrible writer now, but you just wait until i figure it out. i'm going to be somebody someday. "yeah, yeah, the typical overtures, let him speak and when he's done just nod your head to the nice man and walk away..."
see, even in my own head, i dont get no respect. it's hard to argue with rodney dangerfield's (may he rest in peace) timeless joke. oh, how i wish my life was nothing more than...
well, is it even really worth reducing? isnt mediocrity all i have to look forward to? didnt we already have this discussion, or am i off my meds again? damn it, i thought life would be a little easier, until i realized i was in control every step of the way, until...
now you've done it. you've managed to spark the other thoughts which bring us down. ARGH! it's...so...goddamned...frustrating! to think is so easy, but to explain is so complicated. you never know just how far your audience has gotten, you never know how much they care, and you never get an indication of what exactly is working until after the fact, which is when i've typically found myself under observation.
and then the state wants me to sit around while they take their time to get back to me on my SSI benefits? you see my dilemma? no, i havent made it clear? well, either speak up and ask a question or be endlessly confused by my rants.
i mentioned how i'm close to getting a job, but i'm also in line to see if i'm going to get SSI benefits. the conflict of interest between these two is that if you're receiving benefits, you're either not allowed to work, or not allowed to make more than you receive in benefits. this troubles me because it places a real cap on just how much i can expect to make, without ever knowing for sure, because i'm not working yet, and i dont know the rules, ha ha ha.
next comes how i hate money, but it manages to dominate the important aspects of my life. it paralyzes me to think just how anyone manages to find someone else in this world with whom to share our impending mediocrity.
wait, hold on a minute!
when the hell did living the simple life become synonymous with mediocrity? shouldnt one be so lucky as to find anyone who would 1) love me 2) respect me 3) choose to want to be with me for the rest of my life? yeah, one should be so lucky, but the scope with which one works is often to wide, thus rendering the view overwhelming to outside observers. at least, that's what i want to believe.
anyway, for those of you who like to have well-written articles (why are you reading this?), i'll attempt to combine the points i was trying to make in an easy to follow format. just give me a minute to read over what i wrote in order for this to make as much sense as it's possibly going to make...
* i read it over quickly (typical me, hence a typically half-baked article), here's what i came up with:
1) i'm annoyed because i want to be happy but only seem to be able to find reasons to be miserable, even though i am responsible for most of my misery, excluding the strange/crazy 3-month episode that happend last year.
2) i'm upset that no clear explanation has surfaced, whether imagined or otherwise, for why i experienced the craziest three months of my life. i dont expect this to change, which only serves to frustrate me further.
3) i'm annoyed that i want a relationship but find myself undeserving of one because at a minimum i'm not even a productive member of society, i'm just a humble slacker who is trying to finish college. somehow, i find this is unattractive to the women i claim to want to be chasing.
4) i'm upset because i dream in such grand notes, but do very little to actually achieve said notes. i blame this on my "dreaming". they dont warn you on the dangers of dreaming to big, do they?
5) i want to be happy, but it seems i'm too overwhelmed by my general life's circumstance to feel powerful enough to do anything.
6) worth mentioning: it irritates me to know just how much i can accomplish if i'm willing to learn how to lie, cheat, and steal to obtain my life's goals. sure, i might be unpopular, but i'll be successful, which means i'll have a lot of money, ha ha ha. oh boy, i'm so delusional i can't even tell when i'm delusional anymore.
are you guys SURE i'm not off my meds right now?
edwin
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