apparently this is what my life has become...
* i'm beginning to have stomach issues which are waking me up in the middle of the night. sucks, believe me, i wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. on the safe side, i went to the doctor's last week and the lady believes its all psychosomatic (all in my head). i told her, as best i could, of the symptoms and how i've been feeling and she thinks it's stress related. wow, i didnt know NOT having a job could stress you out as if you HAD a job. oh wait, i think i already knew that. isnt that one of the reasons why i got my medical cannabis card? ho hum...
* pending arrangement with my friend aside, i'm kind of frightened by the idea of physical intimacy. i think i'm just being hypersensitive because i no longer resemble the 185lb stud who used to galavant around the city. that might be a shallow explanation for how i feel, but it is certainly honest. i mean, think about it. you change in a bad way and spend enough time convincing yourself you want something -- that you need it -- and then, right when you're close to getting it you begin to freak out. i'm sure there's a scientific term to explain this, but i just had to mention it.
i'm kind of a dork that way. then, when i've overcome my fear i'll end up starring in the show, if you know what i mean. at least, that's the hope, because i hate feeling embarassed in the bedroom. i deal with enough anxiety as it is, you should see me when i'm quietly freaking out sweating up a storm. it's a little pathetic, but i've learned to laugh at myself in order to calm myself down. i have a little doubt in my mind at the moment, but i think i'll cope with it beforehand, if not i'll just resort to mentioning it in conversation, or maybe a kiss will settle it all. yeah, i like kissing a lot. there's something to be said for kisses which has probably been repeated ad nauseam, ha ha ha.
* goddamn michael franti song "skin on the drum" is distracting me at the moment, but what else am i going to do? it's 6:15am and i should be asleep, not up and writing sneezing up a storm about to wake the house up. i'll make it through writing this blog, you just wait!
* and then i realized this was more an exercise in writing than it was an attempt at posting something substantial. well, i guess it all means something to me, but i'm just saying, ha ha ha. sometimes we just have to write, i've been told. i'm sure there's a reason for it, which i hope to some day discover, but in the meantime, i'm just practicing putting down my thoughts on "paper".
damn it, why do i have to feel this way. it's kind of apathetic but not really, lazy but inspired to be, and just a general nonchalance about me which is hard to put into words. i feel like i'm still reeling from the events of a year ago, but i've managed to make little to no progress in the meantime. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?!? great, now i'm resorting to screaming out loud my frustrations. well, it couldnt hurt. at least it makes the bubbling in my stomach calm down just enough for me to believe it's just indigestion and that i should stop eating after 9pm. maybe that's it?
* i've been dealing with lingering mucus in my lungs, i think, which is annoying because these sorts of things usually last a couple of days and then go away. not this time. i think i can trace it back three weeks. what the hell was i thinking, why didnt i mention it to the doctor when i saw her? was it happening at the time? i think it was, but am not sure. damn it!
i knew this would happen. death would sneak up on me when i least expected it. i mean, how else to explain it. i MUST be dying, right? "dont be overdramatic, edwin." i made the voices appear, ha! proof! probably not, but it's always fun to write things in different ways. and yes, those thoughts in quotes are separate thoughts. they just happen to coincide with the subject at hand. no, i think you can tell i have an enjoyabe tendency of talking to myself.
damn it, there's that goddamn phlegm/mucus again, and that damn cough. why hasnt that cough gone away? god, i hope the blood work tells them SOMETHING. i mean, it's kind of a double edged sword, right? you pray on one hand that your fears are realized and that you've got some problem, but that said problem is small enough to deal with on your own, without requiring further medical assistance. ugh, it's all enough to make a kid feel frustrated.
* i cant win for trying. if i go to sleep before ten i'm up at 6, but if i sleep later i obviously wake up later. and what the hell am i going to do during those hours with a house full of people? sometimes i crack myself up. i have plenty to do and places to go, of course, i'm just a humble procrastinator. i swear, if i could postpone my death, i probably have. it's not really a laughing matter, but i'm guessing you're beginning to sense a theme? we've gotta laugh, friends!
i think the worst part is feeling so apathetic towards everything that you dont even know what to do with your day. for example, i know i should be doing what i can to get back into shape, but i just cant seem to find the motivation to do it. sure, once i start moving around, i imagine it isnt much of a stretch to get dressed in exercise clothes and go for a run, but alas, i never do it. i'll even go so far as to hustle quickly about my day and the thought will persist. i'll think to myself see, it isnt that hard, you like working out. i try and psyche myself out because i know that's the only way i'm ever going to see a regular exercise routine.
maybe i could use the coupons for three months free at my local 24hr Fitness to swim? i keep saying that's what i'm going to use them for, but i have yet to take advantage of them. sheesh, i think my procrsatinating habits might be getting out of control.
alright, that's about all i feel like writing. hopefully you found it entertaining...
edwin
* i'm beginning to have stomach issues which are waking me up in the middle of the night. sucks, believe me, i wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. on the safe side, i went to the doctor's last week and the lady believes its all psychosomatic (all in my head). i told her, as best i could, of the symptoms and how i've been feeling and she thinks it's stress related. wow, i didnt know NOT having a job could stress you out as if you HAD a job. oh wait, i think i already knew that. isnt that one of the reasons why i got my medical cannabis card? ho hum...
* pending arrangement with my friend aside, i'm kind of frightened by the idea of physical intimacy. i think i'm just being hypersensitive because i no longer resemble the 185lb stud who used to galavant around the city. that might be a shallow explanation for how i feel, but it is certainly honest. i mean, think about it. you change in a bad way and spend enough time convincing yourself you want something -- that you need it -- and then, right when you're close to getting it you begin to freak out. i'm sure there's a scientific term to explain this, but i just had to mention it.
i'm kind of a dork that way. then, when i've overcome my fear i'll end up starring in the show, if you know what i mean. at least, that's the hope, because i hate feeling embarassed in the bedroom. i deal with enough anxiety as it is, you should see me when i'm quietly freaking out sweating up a storm. it's a little pathetic, but i've learned to laugh at myself in order to calm myself down. i have a little doubt in my mind at the moment, but i think i'll cope with it beforehand, if not i'll just resort to mentioning it in conversation, or maybe a kiss will settle it all. yeah, i like kissing a lot. there's something to be said for kisses which has probably been repeated ad nauseam, ha ha ha.
* goddamn michael franti song "skin on the drum" is distracting me at the moment, but what else am i going to do? it's 6:15am and i should be asleep, not up and writing sneezing up a storm about to wake the house up. i'll make it through writing this blog, you just wait!
* and then i realized this was more an exercise in writing than it was an attempt at posting something substantial. well, i guess it all means something to me, but i'm just saying, ha ha ha. sometimes we just have to write, i've been told. i'm sure there's a reason for it, which i hope to some day discover, but in the meantime, i'm just practicing putting down my thoughts on "paper".
damn it, why do i have to feel this way. it's kind of apathetic but not really, lazy but inspired to be, and just a general nonchalance about me which is hard to put into words. i feel like i'm still reeling from the events of a year ago, but i've managed to make little to no progress in the meantime. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?!? great, now i'm resorting to screaming out loud my frustrations. well, it couldnt hurt. at least it makes the bubbling in my stomach calm down just enough for me to believe it's just indigestion and that i should stop eating after 9pm. maybe that's it?
* i've been dealing with lingering mucus in my lungs, i think, which is annoying because these sorts of things usually last a couple of days and then go away. not this time. i think i can trace it back three weeks. what the hell was i thinking, why didnt i mention it to the doctor when i saw her? was it happening at the time? i think it was, but am not sure. damn it!
i knew this would happen. death would sneak up on me when i least expected it. i mean, how else to explain it. i MUST be dying, right? "dont be overdramatic, edwin." i made the voices appear, ha! proof! probably not, but it's always fun to write things in different ways. and yes, those thoughts in quotes are separate thoughts. they just happen to coincide with the subject at hand. no, i think you can tell i have an enjoyabe tendency of talking to myself.
damn it, there's that goddamn phlegm/mucus again, and that damn cough. why hasnt that cough gone away? god, i hope the blood work tells them SOMETHING. i mean, it's kind of a double edged sword, right? you pray on one hand that your fears are realized and that you've got some problem, but that said problem is small enough to deal with on your own, without requiring further medical assistance. ugh, it's all enough to make a kid feel frustrated.
* i cant win for trying. if i go to sleep before ten i'm up at 6, but if i sleep later i obviously wake up later. and what the hell am i going to do during those hours with a house full of people? sometimes i crack myself up. i have plenty to do and places to go, of course, i'm just a humble procrastinator. i swear, if i could postpone my death, i probably have. it's not really a laughing matter, but i'm guessing you're beginning to sense a theme? we've gotta laugh, friends!
i think the worst part is feeling so apathetic towards everything that you dont even know what to do with your day. for example, i know i should be doing what i can to get back into shape, but i just cant seem to find the motivation to do it. sure, once i start moving around, i imagine it isnt much of a stretch to get dressed in exercise clothes and go for a run, but alas, i never do it. i'll even go so far as to hustle quickly about my day and the thought will persist. i'll think to myself see, it isnt that hard, you like working out. i try and psyche myself out because i know that's the only way i'm ever going to see a regular exercise routine.
maybe i could use the coupons for three months free at my local 24hr Fitness to swim? i keep saying that's what i'm going to use them for, but i have yet to take advantage of them. sheesh, i think my procrsatinating habits might be getting out of control.
alright, that's about all i feel like writing. hopefully you found it entertaining...
edwin
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