if life had a refresh button...

... i'd still probably trip along the way. and that's the beauty of the level of "guilt" i get to live with. i get to relive every small detail of the nonsense i put myself through in the first 4-5 months of the year and i get to play the biggest game of "what if?" or so i believe, but i'm slowly making my way out of that level of self doubt. it hasnt been easy, friends, believe me. it's not easy when you remember every detail vividly and you crave to have another chance at figuring out the reasons for why things ended up the way they did.

  then again, i'm more "comfortable" right now. undeniably so, actually. but i'd still trade a couple of days in the hospital with the knowledge i now possess for a chance at figuring out just what the hell happened to me. it's not like i have anyone i can turn to for a point of reference. all i've got is my self, my memories, and my gumption to figure my life out for my self by my self. well, not entirely by my self, but you get the idea. others are only as reliable as the level of responsibility which we assign them. right now, i'm not counting on anyone to do anything major for me, and what little income i'm generating is purposely being performed for lack of a better alternative (purposely cryptic), and most importantly, out of necessity. there are better days ahead of me, i know this for a fact.

  if the year ended today i would be thoroughly dissatisfied, but grateful. none of it would go beyond my life. or rather, i wouldnt even discuss sports or politics, or anything else, as reasons for my disappointment. i would be disappointed that i wasnt able to solve the mystery that led to my making 3 separate visits to the hospital on 5150 stays, or how i've come to realize that my parents literally intend to see me earn any help i ask of  them, versus say just giving it to me? just a thought, but i wont ramble on it, it's pointless. there's an arms length worth of distance which i must learn to maintain between my self and my "loved" ones, as loved as they may be in my heart. i guess it's only natural, which is why i mean what i've written with no remorse or sarcasm, just honesty. people have a strange way of thinking life is easy for one if they provide what simple assistance we sometimes ask of them. *chuckles* i'm certainly not asking for sympathy, but congrats to you if you can sympathize with me; i appreciate it.

  however, if i had to make a list of things for which i am grateful, it would be suitable. i'm very thankful for all of the love and support my family has provided me, even if at times it has been less than adequate (a fair assessment). who else could i trust to help me in my times of need this year? wait, dont answer that, it was a rhetorical question, because the answer is that i'd probably be living in a shelter right now receiving social security benefits while probably working for some random company.  a possible step up from my present situation? hard to imagine, even harder to argue, but suffice it to say it's a pointless endeavor entertaining the answer.

  i guess if i had to say i've learned anything from all that has happened is that i have to make my self the front and center of my life. right now i feel shackled by the fact i dont have a place to call my own, where i can unwind and be myself, unabashedly and without censors. i have a place that is adequate and it will have to do until something better can be arranged; i'm not complaining. i'm waiting on my financial aid for school to come in when i'll have some money to make some moves, but even said moves are not entirely well concieved. my plans have a strange way of always relying on someone else, which must change. all a boy wants is to grow weed and to sell it *cough* to the government for a profit, but i cant seem to find any takers. *shakes head* things work themselves out as they must, i must remember this.

  as for the game on my birfday...i think i'm going to just skip the search and take my brother to the game. or i might sell the tickets. or i'll give them away and just drive somewhere. i dont know. all i know is that this year has not turned out as i had hoped and i'm still reeling from everything. while i know going to the game is exactly what i should do, i dont know whom to take. i think i'll put something up on facebook and see who responds and then i'll go from there.

  in any case, i'm off to bed. have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and i want to be well rested for it. thanks for reading...