...but i'm not upset about it. that's the thing with me: i hardly ever get upset. to me, getting upset is a wasted emotion. either deal with it or move on, but complaining at length's end about something WILL NOT change it.
* i did everything i was supposed to on my end. got some sleep, got dressed in my nice suit i bought last week, and was even EARLY to the interview. i never would've believed i'd turn out the way i have, especially since i used to be late everywhere, but thank god. it was great.
until...
i arrived at the door and was met promptly by a nice older gentleman asking me what i needed. i let him know and he quickly blew my momentum when he said "kevin isnt here today".
WHAT?!?! are you SERIOUS?!
no, i didnt react like that, ha ha ha. i just said okay and then another manager told me to call back at 8am to speak with someone else to set up an interview for tonight. great, when am i supposed to sleep, because i tried to last night and couldnt pass out until 1:30am. i'd been "trying" to go to sleep since like 10pm. i'll admit, i wasnt doing my best, but i was trying to minimize distractions in order to be able to fall asleep. it isnt easy for me, to sleep, because of my condition. some days i sleep like a baby; other days i wont sleep at all. [insert crack joke here]
so yeah, i'm just killing time and waiting to call tracy in an hour while listening to my folks get ready to go about their day. crazy, but that's life.
* this is the week. dont ask me for what or why, just know that this is the week. i have a good feeling about things and i can "feel" myself making "progress". hopefully, i'll get a job and start working out. i want to swim, because i'm like a fish in water. i swim around all happy like and get the biggest smile on my face. plus, i heard swimming is the best exercise anyone cand do. it works out all of your major muscles and tones you down. plus, you can say "i got wet today, what have you done?" ha ha ha, sometimes i crack myself up!
but yeah, this is the week, i can feel it. my life is going to begin to turn around for the better. that's the only thing one can hope for, right?
i've been down for so long i forgot what up was, but now i see that i was simply preparing myself mentally to actually begin to make something of my self. i had to go through the worst of times in order to get to this point. the point where i can feel like myself and begin to make magic happen. i know the facts, which haunt me, but i'm going to trudge forward. i forgot that i've always had EVERYTHING i need. right here, right now. i couldnt ask for more, beyond a career or profession, obviously. i'm trying to get paid somehow to do my thizzle, ha ha ha.
* i'm documenting all this so that later on it'll be easy for us to say "this was the moment". i mean, what is a moment, right? how long does one last and when are they over? is that a reference to a female orgasm? "no". i'm just crazy that way.
someday, things will be MUCH different, hopefully better. well, scratch that. things WILL be better, because i've already been through the "worst". i always remind myself that half-truths can tell whole-truths. i forgot that i'd only given myself half of the instructions to lead me to success and that i already knew the other half.
"wait, are you referencing yourself in two separate tenses? i think the audience understands." well, we have to do our "due diligence" in order to be certain our audience follows us. "why does that matter, speak your mind, you're an artist/writer, let people figure it out". that's not what i mean, i'm just trying to keep all of our "passengers" on board the "crazy train" (thank you, ozzie!).
* someone told me it was important to track my thoughts and that writing would help. well, let's go off the deep end (well, i'm already down here, all of you are just "falling" to me) and assume that "charlotte" is reading this and that she is manipulating me somehow in order to lead me to her. god, i hope you make this a reality. i REALLY want to meet "charlotte". as in, if it wasnt such a stupid idea, i'd kill myself right after getting to meet her, if she seriously doesnt trust me.
wait, never mind, that was a stupid paragraph. "keep writing, edwin, not all of them will be perfect". easy for you to say, you're not the one responsible for actually writing all of this down. "edwin, you're talking to yourself again". i dont care, it's how i "cope" with the world and all that has happened. i'll even share a secret with you:
i think we're all dead.
yeah, you read that right. half-truths be damned, i think the opposite of what we've been told all of our lives is true. life is death, death is life. our lives are moments which continually unravel and we're responsible for grabbing the most important details as they're happening. the difficult part is in deciding which memories are worth keeping. i asked for the VIP package, so i want them all.
i remember watching "waking life" and loving the conversation between ethan hawke and julie delpy about how maybe our lives are just passing "before" our eyes and we're already dead. it gave me a further sense of calm to believe that perhaps all of this pressure i've been heaping upon myself is for naught? why am i pushing myself, what is my purpose? i thought i would never know, but now i do. my goal is to make a living making people laugh, plain and simple.
but life is a cruel teacher. it pushed and pulled and wouldnt get out of my way, or was it the other way around? was i impeding someone's free will? nonsense, i would NEVER do that. i believe in letting people go in their own directions. dont be against anything, be in favor of a better alternative, is what i say. there's no point in arguing with people when you can find more constructive ways of "getting" to them. people are not stupid, some just like to disagree, and they'll argue with you ad nauseam until they've "beaten" you. it's a vicious cycle, which is why i walk away from a lot of drama. if i actually reacted in a typical way, i'd probably have a long arrest record by now for having physically hurt people.
then again, as i told this beautiful girl i met recently, and with whom i'm supposed to be hanging out soon (*wink* if you're reading this): i'm not your typical guy, so dont treat me that way.
i have to believe that i'm a helluva guy, otherwise who will believe for me? i dont see people lining up to be a part of my crew, but that's the point. all of this is by design. you dont hear me complaining, just reporting and expressing myself. that's the way i've wanted it, or so i believed. now i want to be known, seen, loved, admired, and generally taken care of. i want to get paid to be me, and i know it's possible. i've had the chance to speak with so many "famous" people that i realized it's just a mindset. if you believe you're a celebrity, then so shall you become. but, the trick is to believe in yourself beyond anything you've ever believed in in your life. i think it takes a greater faith to believe in one self than to believe in god. to say "god is control" is to say life is already written, therefore no matter what i do i'll always be limited in my existence.
that is just plain hooey. limitations do NOT exist. i have proven this to myself beyond anyone else's comprehension and i've already shared my experiences in this space. interested parties may contact me directly for a more detailed version of the events. that's my official word for it. i have to stop talking about what happened and just get on with my life.
as we've mentioned before: someday, this will all make sense to me...
edwin
* i did everything i was supposed to on my end. got some sleep, got dressed in my nice suit i bought last week, and was even EARLY to the interview. i never would've believed i'd turn out the way i have, especially since i used to be late everywhere, but thank god. it was great.
until...
i arrived at the door and was met promptly by a nice older gentleman asking me what i needed. i let him know and he quickly blew my momentum when he said "kevin isnt here today".
WHAT?!?! are you SERIOUS?!
no, i didnt react like that, ha ha ha. i just said okay and then another manager told me to call back at 8am to speak with someone else to set up an interview for tonight. great, when am i supposed to sleep, because i tried to last night and couldnt pass out until 1:30am. i'd been "trying" to go to sleep since like 10pm. i'll admit, i wasnt doing my best, but i was trying to minimize distractions in order to be able to fall asleep. it isnt easy for me, to sleep, because of my condition. some days i sleep like a baby; other days i wont sleep at all. [insert crack joke here]
so yeah, i'm just killing time and waiting to call tracy in an hour while listening to my folks get ready to go about their day. crazy, but that's life.
* this is the week. dont ask me for what or why, just know that this is the week. i have a good feeling about things and i can "feel" myself making "progress". hopefully, i'll get a job and start working out. i want to swim, because i'm like a fish in water. i swim around all happy like and get the biggest smile on my face. plus, i heard swimming is the best exercise anyone cand do. it works out all of your major muscles and tones you down. plus, you can say "i got wet today, what have you done?" ha ha ha, sometimes i crack myself up!
but yeah, this is the week, i can feel it. my life is going to begin to turn around for the better. that's the only thing one can hope for, right?
i've been down for so long i forgot what up was, but now i see that i was simply preparing myself mentally to actually begin to make something of my self. i had to go through the worst of times in order to get to this point. the point where i can feel like myself and begin to make magic happen. i know the facts, which haunt me, but i'm going to trudge forward. i forgot that i've always had EVERYTHING i need. right here, right now. i couldnt ask for more, beyond a career or profession, obviously. i'm trying to get paid somehow to do my thizzle, ha ha ha.
* i'm documenting all this so that later on it'll be easy for us to say "this was the moment". i mean, what is a moment, right? how long does one last and when are they over? is that a reference to a female orgasm? "no". i'm just crazy that way.
someday, things will be MUCH different, hopefully better. well, scratch that. things WILL be better, because i've already been through the "worst". i always remind myself that half-truths can tell whole-truths. i forgot that i'd only given myself half of the instructions to lead me to success and that i already knew the other half.
"wait, are you referencing yourself in two separate tenses? i think the audience understands." well, we have to do our "due diligence" in order to be certain our audience follows us. "why does that matter, speak your mind, you're an artist/writer, let people figure it out". that's not what i mean, i'm just trying to keep all of our "passengers" on board the "crazy train" (thank you, ozzie!).
* someone told me it was important to track my thoughts and that writing would help. well, let's go off the deep end (well, i'm already down here, all of you are just "falling" to me) and assume that "charlotte" is reading this and that she is manipulating me somehow in order to lead me to her. god, i hope you make this a reality. i REALLY want to meet "charlotte". as in, if it wasnt such a stupid idea, i'd kill myself right after getting to meet her, if she seriously doesnt trust me.
wait, never mind, that was a stupid paragraph. "keep writing, edwin, not all of them will be perfect". easy for you to say, you're not the one responsible for actually writing all of this down. "edwin, you're talking to yourself again". i dont care, it's how i "cope" with the world and all that has happened. i'll even share a secret with you:
i think we're all dead.
yeah, you read that right. half-truths be damned, i think the opposite of what we've been told all of our lives is true. life is death, death is life. our lives are moments which continually unravel and we're responsible for grabbing the most important details as they're happening. the difficult part is in deciding which memories are worth keeping. i asked for the VIP package, so i want them all.
i remember watching "waking life" and loving the conversation between ethan hawke and julie delpy about how maybe our lives are just passing "before" our eyes and we're already dead. it gave me a further sense of calm to believe that perhaps all of this pressure i've been heaping upon myself is for naught? why am i pushing myself, what is my purpose? i thought i would never know, but now i do. my goal is to make a living making people laugh, plain and simple.
but life is a cruel teacher. it pushed and pulled and wouldnt get out of my way, or was it the other way around? was i impeding someone's free will? nonsense, i would NEVER do that. i believe in letting people go in their own directions. dont be against anything, be in favor of a better alternative, is what i say. there's no point in arguing with people when you can find more constructive ways of "getting" to them. people are not stupid, some just like to disagree, and they'll argue with you ad nauseam until they've "beaten" you. it's a vicious cycle, which is why i walk away from a lot of drama. if i actually reacted in a typical way, i'd probably have a long arrest record by now for having physically hurt people.
then again, as i told this beautiful girl i met recently, and with whom i'm supposed to be hanging out soon (*wink* if you're reading this): i'm not your typical guy, so dont treat me that way.
i have to believe that i'm a helluva guy, otherwise who will believe for me? i dont see people lining up to be a part of my crew, but that's the point. all of this is by design. you dont hear me complaining, just reporting and expressing myself. that's the way i've wanted it, or so i believed. now i want to be known, seen, loved, admired, and generally taken care of. i want to get paid to be me, and i know it's possible. i've had the chance to speak with so many "famous" people that i realized it's just a mindset. if you believe you're a celebrity, then so shall you become. but, the trick is to believe in yourself beyond anything you've ever believed in in your life. i think it takes a greater faith to believe in one self than to believe in god. to say "god is control" is to say life is already written, therefore no matter what i do i'll always be limited in my existence.
that is just plain hooey. limitations do NOT exist. i have proven this to myself beyond anyone else's comprehension and i've already shared my experiences in this space. interested parties may contact me directly for a more detailed version of the events. that's my official word for it. i have to stop talking about what happened and just get on with my life.
as we've mentioned before: someday, this will all make sense to me...
edwin
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