"memories dont live like people do..."

"...they always remember you, whether things are good or bad, it's just the memories..." -- Mos Def from "Travellin' Man"

  i remember one of the first times i heard this song. my old friend, badru, introduced me to it and it stuck with me instantly for a couple of reasons. first was the fact the song was dope. second was the hook, which i mostly covered in the subject line and intro. and lastly because the name of the song was "travellin' man". they spelled traveler in the british way with two "l's". my email handle i was using at the time made the same "mistake".

  i only mention any of this because my memory serves to both haunt and inspire me. i'll save you the psycho babble about my past experiences and how much they've traumatized me. instead we'll focus our efforts today on the different women i've loved. and when i say "loved" i mean as in i've been in a relationship with, not the ones i simply shared a bed with.

  i realize the main reason i've been feeling all nostalgic with regards to love is because it is presently lacking in my life. simply put, there's no one i'm interested in right now. i mean, there are pipe dreams (sarcastically "scarlett johansson anyone?") and then there is reality, and my reality is pretty much booboo. i have done nothing to put myself out there in order to meet somebody. i've pretty much done all i could to diminish my confidence and there's little i can imagine doing to bring it back. pathetic, i know, and you're just reading about it.

  anyway, my point is that i'm fortunate enough to even have a love, let alone three, to remember. that's it folks. only three women have been able to penetrate the powerful force field which guards my heart. granted, i dont make it difficult, i just have standards. i also think i've managed to do alright for my self with regards to love. i've lived a lot of my life chasing it and trying to hold on to it, and now that i presently find myself without hope, i find it very strange that i should be resorting to love as a conversation topic. no, i dont think it's normal either.

  argh!

  on the bright side, i managed to purchase two suits and four ties for $125. i bought some accessories to jazz up the suit and it raised the price to about $250, including tax, which i believe is money well spent. hell, i even got a new pair of stacy adams, how about that?! oh, to shop at hilltop mall, it's so much fun, especially when financial aid is paying for everything. i can hear my mother now: at least i spent the money on something that will last me a while.

  it must be noted, i am currently "chunky". thus, when i reduce my weight and get back to being slim, the suits i bought will look even better on me. it's just going to take about 3-5 months of rigorous exercise to get down to my "boxing weight" again. i have confidence i am capable of completing this task, i'm just iffy on the effort at the moment.

  then the nigga dave and i just drove around being socially malcontent deviants. well, not really, but you get the point. we did the damn thang and made it happen at his house. we shot a bunch of zombies, as usual, and i came home because i want to be up early for school tomorrow.

  oh, and i didnt even tell you about the sick as giants jacket i bought today. it's reversible! damn it, why am i spilling my beans on here? wasnt i going to use this time to write down something constructive, something i could look back on with pride? fuck it. at this point i'm just practicing putting down my thoughts into words. i'll let you guys figure out the purpose of the blog. my job is to write, ha ha ha.

  thanks to all who read todays nonsense. i hope it made you laugh, if even for a moment...

edwin

Middle Class Rut - New Low (Official Video)

Middle Class Rut - New Low Lyrics

I have no space, no room to move around
And this box is getting smaller
I'm trying to get out

How did I get so far from where I was?
When did I decide to lose my way?
Who have I become…

I got a new low, all 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go

Well who am I, a cold shoulder left to cry
You feel bad, well so do I
Yeah so do I

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up, but mostly down (x2)

I cannot help feeling like I have so much at stake
So I lock myself inside my head and I just run in place
So many directions I don't know which way to go
I'm so busy doing nothing I got nothing to show

I got a new low, all 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
No I won't let go

Well who am I, a cold shoulder used to cry
You feel bad, well so do I
Yeah so do I

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up, but mostly down (x2)

I make mistakes just like everybody else
But instead of letting go of it, I can't forgive myself
I did my time in a windowless box
Like it or not
All I got now is today
Tomorrow aint here
Yesterday is gone dead on me anyway

I've been right, I've been left
I've been wrong, I've been left behind
I've been up, but mostly down (x4)

so what...

  it's not even a question, it's an attitidue. what's the point? what's the purpose? why should i care? the more i think about it, the harder it is to come up with satisfying answers. i dont know when it happened, really, but i think i've become more cynical and more of a curmudgeon.

  while it is true that there remains a happy, outgoing, gregarious, fun-loving person inside of me, that person has not been seen consistently in quite some time, and i know exactly why. as was famously once sung by the Wu-Tang Clan "cash rules everything around me." that's as simple as i can put it. there's more, of course, but who wants to read something complicated right now, ha ha ha. i certainly dont feel like spilling all of my beans, but know it will happen eventually.

* fine, we'll jump into it for a minute, just to see where it takes us...

  i'm annoyed because i dont have a job, but even though i'm thisclose to landing a job, i still cant stop being annoyed. what gives? where did all of this anxiety come from?

  so, i get it. i'm soon supposed to be able to do some things which i had not been able to afford before, but so what? i've learned to live with less attention and socializing, which may or may not be a good thing. i've learned to live in a way i never would've thought logical for me, but which seems logical to me now, upon hindsight. it's crazy, because it is my craziness which led me to this dead end.

  a year ago i remember feeling like i was on super-fuel, or something. i was manic, of course, but it felt good, honest, and genuine. at least i could tap into my head and believe something, which has become increasingly more difficult in the year that has passed. i can't even imagine myself happy anymore, much less happy with someone else attached to the picture. who would want to sign up for this anyway? seriously, women have enough reasons to leave me alone, i dont have enough reasons to convince them otherwise. or so it feels that way.

  and that's the point i'm trying to make.

  some days i wish to be forgotten, to disappear completely, and other days i dont care either way. this type of detachment had never seemed "possible" to me. i'd always known it to exist, but i never believed i would ever reach the point where i would find myself so detached from everything that any one thing could be interpreted as inspiring or depressing. have i "explored my mind" so deeply that i've become someone else? am i still me, or am i learning to become my self? it's all one revelation after another to me, but with no one taking notes, it's easy to fall behind.

  and then the other negative feelings sink in and i'm forced to find a life preserver in my imaginary sea of despair as i attempt to tread water. this is going to be a lot of fun. if only i were this physically active in real life. then i'd be much happier, right? you'd think it were that easy, but when you're really good at rationalizing things to fit your perspective and opinion, you find it's much better to remain inactive while continuing to ponder life's greater mysteries. maybe i'll incorporate a physical routine soon. "havent you been trying to do that since forever? i remember last year and the one before that you were raving about wanting to get back into shape, what happened?" shut up voice of reason, no one asked for your opinion.

* great, i've managed to write this much without saying anything and only serving to come off as a whiny nincompoop.

  well, screw it, i dont care. i'm going to keep on writing nonsense and gibberish and i'll let the audience figure it out. i'm a terrible writer now, but you just wait until i figure it out. i'm going to be somebody someday. "yeah, yeah, the typical overtures, let him speak and when he's done just nod your head to the nice man and walk away..."

  see, even in my own head, i dont get no respect. it's hard to argue with rodney dangerfield's (may he rest in peace) timeless joke. oh, how i wish my life was nothing more than...

  well, is it even really worth reducing? isnt mediocrity all i have to look forward to? didnt we already have this discussion, or am i off my meds again? damn it, i thought life would be a little easier, until i realized i was in control every step of the way, until...

  now you've done it. you've managed to spark the other thoughts which bring us down. ARGH! it's...so...goddamned...frustrating! to think is so easy, but to explain is so complicated. you never know just how far your audience has gotten, you never know how much they care, and you never get an indication of what exactly is working until after the fact, which is when i've typically found myself under observation.

  and then the state wants me to sit around while they take their time to get back to me on my SSI benefits? you see my dilemma? no, i havent made it clear? well, either speak up and ask a question or be endlessly confused by my rants.

  i mentioned how i'm close to getting a job, but i'm also in line to see if i'm going to get SSI benefits. the conflict of interest between these two is that if you're receiving benefits, you're either not allowed to work, or not allowed to make more than you receive in benefits. this troubles me because it places a real cap on just how much i can expect to make, without ever knowing for sure, because i'm not working yet, and i dont know the rules, ha ha ha.

  next comes how i hate money, but it manages to dominate the important aspects of my life. it paralyzes me to think just how anyone manages to find someone else in this world with whom to share our impending mediocrity.

 wait, hold on a minute!

  when the hell did living the simple life become synonymous with mediocrity? shouldnt one be so lucky as to find anyone who would 1) love me 2) respect me 3) choose to want to be with me for the rest of my life? yeah, one should be so lucky, but the scope with which one works is often to wide, thus rendering the view overwhelming to outside observers. at least, that's what i want to believe.

anyway, for those of you who like to have well-written articles (why are you reading this?), i'll attempt to combine the points i was trying to make in an easy to follow format. just give me a minute to read over what i wrote in order for this to make as much sense as it's possibly going to make...

* i read it over quickly (typical me, hence a typically half-baked article), here's what i came up with:

 1) i'm annoyed because i want to be happy but only seem to be able to find reasons to be miserable, even though i am responsible for most of my misery, excluding the strange/crazy 3-month episode that happend last year.

 2) i'm upset that no clear explanation has surfaced, whether imagined or otherwise, for why i experienced the craziest three months of my life. i dont expect this to change, which only serves to frustrate me further.

3) i'm annoyed that i want a relationship but find myself undeserving of one because at a minimum i'm not even a productive member of society, i'm just a humble slacker who is trying to finish college. somehow, i find this is unattractive to the women i claim to want to be chasing.

4) i'm upset because i dream in such grand notes, but do very little to actually achieve said notes. i blame this on my "dreaming". they dont warn you on the dangers of dreaming to big, do they?

5) i want to be happy, but it seems i'm too overwhelmed by my general life's circumstance to feel powerful enough to do anything.

6) worth mentioning: it irritates me to know just how much i can accomplish if i'm willing to learn how to lie, cheat, and steal to obtain my life's goals. sure, i might be unpopular, but i'll be successful, which means i'll have a lot of money, ha ha ha. oh boy, i'm so delusional i can't even tell when i'm delusional anymore.

  are you guys SURE i'm not off my meds right now?

edwin

i saw me looking back at me...

* the world, of life in general, is not for the faint of heart. in fact, it can be said that it isnt for the cowards either, but then, how would we account for my existence. i digress...

* i'm writing again, which could either be a "sign of the times" (as in, "watch out, the end of the world is fast approaching") or it means that i'm OFFICIALLY-OFFICIALLY doing MUCH better. okay, i'll stop with the caps, but i NEED you to understand just how important this latest development is to me.

  sure, i know there's a cocktail of prescription meds mixed with marijuana to account for my "clear headdedness" but i swear it's more than that. life has started to make "sense" to me again, and that's both refreshing and daunting. it's refreshing, because it beats the depressed feeling which had been dominating my general "being". it's daunting, because with my newfound "lucidity" (is this a word?) i can go back to performing magic tricks for cash. i mean, i can go back to being my typical crazy self trying to find my way in the world. in and of itself, that task is daunting.

  i mean, how does one become one if one isnt even aware of what one is? are you confused yet? in other words, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!? i told you i'd stop with the caps IF you understood the magnitude of what i am attempting to describe.

  just know this: everyone eventually finds a partner. some of us find them IN SPITE of ourselves (presently my goal) while others work at it. either way, enough couples are made that enough children are propagated, and thus life continues. my problem, as usual, is with the "bigger picture". i tend to imagine it too much, which confinese me in my "present" reality. i mean, who KNOWS what one is supposed to do once one has life "figured out". the best i can offer anyone is to just smoke pot and get laid, but i cant even do half of those things right. i always end up with the tab in the wrong slot, ha ha ha ("insert tab A into slot B").

* i will say this: for all of you who are reading me now, i thank you. i have a small suspicion you will not be disappointed by my postings, but that would require i resort to my "ancient ways" in order to have stories of debauchery to share. well, i'm not sure about that, but i think you guys know what i mean.

  "there was a time..." and i have it in my mind's eye. we have to go back to those "times". we have to go back in order to save my self. somehow, i lost track of my self but i'm slowly getting "it" back. i think i must've been scared into reality, but i never realized when i lost track of it. i have better information now to assist me in realizing when i've "lost" my way, but it doesnt do much to help me to "find my way". a bunch of conundrums and all i can think of is the word "what" (a la "pulp fiction"). "what?!" "say 'what' again, i double dare you" (to paraphrase).

* someday i'll look back on all of these posts and i'll smile, because by my side will be SOMEONE (insert name here upon finding her for editorial purposes) who understands everything i've been through.

 "and then you woke up from your dream..." but i've already told you, my life feels like a dream from which i am endlessly awakening. "so, what was i up to an hour ago? what distracted me?" who's the rational one now?

  just because i put an opinion of my self into quotes doesnt mean it's the end-all, be-all of my existence. i, like most everyone else, am a truly complicated man. THIS is just one of the reasons why i shy away from love, why i shy away from affection. i want the "real" thing. i put it into quotes, because at this point, i have been certified as "having trouble with reality". i'm paraphrasing the word "bi-polar" but you know what i mean. hell, what does bi-polar even mean? i kid, but the definition is spot-on for me. it is this fact which continues to throw me from the scent, which i believed i was following. who the hell was the anonymous poster who now seems too busy to respond? someday my cowardice will be respected for being honest. just, not today. or tomorrow, it seems.

  or as i stated before, what i dont know also tells me what i do now. people think i'm an idiot, but that's not entirely true. i have my moments where i can identify the game being played with my life. i thought i had it figured out before, for the sake of no longer obsessing about said topic, but now i'm convinced i dont know what happened, which opens up the door for the impossible to be possible. but, you ask "how is that possible?" no, nothing is impossible if you believe in it. the problem is in trying to find others who will believe equally in what you believe. see, there are established methods of thinkng, some of which i subscribe to, but most of which can be "debunked".

  everyone is looking for the "pure and honest truth" but the reality is much more disappointing than most will ever realize. for most of us, mediocrity is as best as we'll ever manage. the finer levels are easier to swallow, but if you're not looking for much, you will be pleasantly surprised.

  me? i'm fine living on the outskirts, attempting to find MY life's pace, and learning to swim with it. i am in no rush to do anything spectacular or important. i am in no rush to observe the latest brilliance the world has to offer. i am in no rush to suffer through the lines in order to say that i "was first". i am in no rush, period, end of sentence.

* i imagine a world, but then am distracted by reality. i imagine my self, but then am distracted by reality. i try to imagine nothing, but then am distracted by reality. i think reality wants my attention, but i've got nothing to spend, just love to offer. it's a rephrasing of an old spanish song by the infamous juan gabriel. it says, in spanish "no tengo dinero, ni nada que dar/lo unico que tengo es amor para amar", loosely translated as "i've no money, or anything to give/the only thing i've got is love to give".

  therein lies my dilemma. i care too much, but not enough in all of the right places. meaning, i care enough to shower and to maintain my general hygiene, but i dont care enough to go out and parade myself for the world to see. deep down i crave attention, but i'm looking for a specific kind, of which i've managed to convince myself i'm undeserving. did you want to try and have a conversation with me?

* the easiest thing, i find, is to remain open. be open to every one and every thing, but the difficult thing is knowing how to ask.

  i was reading one of my previous posts, where i was discussing how ANYTHING can be had in life if we just had the courage to ask...well, i ruminated on the post for as long as i could and i realized i never put down the "answer" to my "question". as in, providing a link or a detailed explanation as to how i acquired the knowledge that anything can be had if we just ask. all i have is to retrace my steps, or to re-take them again. one is infinitely wiser than the other, but some days i have trouble discerning which is which.

  if i retrace my steps, i'm essentially viewing everything again from a different perspective, which may, or may not, helpe me in my overall goal. if i re-take my steps, it is possible i could end up in the hospital, which may, or may not, be the point of it all. i mean, who could possibly figure out hide or hare based on the experiences i have discussed and have yet to discuss? i've tried everything. i've tried "letting it go", "forgetting about it", "not talking about it" and the like, but it always ends up dominating my landscape.

  WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!

ugh! never you mind. i think i'll go back to listening to "new low" by middle class rut, until things begin to make more sense to me. i guess, at the end of the day i could transcribe things for a living, but who could hire me in that capacity? i might kid by saying that i am useless, but that's not entirely true. i eat pussy like a champ, and when i'm comfortable, i've been known to fuck like a champ, too.

  the problem is in finding that goddamn line. one minute i stop on a dime, the next my toe's over the line and i can hear "walter" screaming "OVER THE LINE" (from "The Big Lebowski") ad nauseam. look, it's not pretty being inside my head, but that's what you asked for when you decided to click this way. the least you could do is provide a comment or feedback from time-to-time. it wont hurt, i assure you, ha ha ha.

* okay, that should be enough for another post...

edwin

"live from nowhere..."

"it's the EDWIN SHOW!!!"

ha ha ha, i just had to write that down for no apparent reason.

* so the other day (read: yesterday) i posted something cryptic concerning a girl as my status update on facebook, and lo and behold i was taken aback by the responses i received. basically, everyone wants me to ask out the girl in question.

  i wont play coy. there is definitely a girl i have in mind, but it's not with the seriousness which i can imagine. i mean, what am i really looking for anyway, and is looking back to find it better than looking forward? what i mean is: should i be looking back at women i've met and never gave a chance to, or should i be looking for someone new who knows nothing about me? the more questions i ask myself, the more confused i become.

* all of which made me think about people from India and how they arrange their children to be married later on in life. now that i put more thought into it, it's not such a bad idea. just think of all of the hassles they're eliminating by arranging for everything ahead of time. ha ha ha, i kid, i kid. i know that a prerranged marriage isnt for everyone, but i did want to take time to acknowledge my minor realization of why it works for another culture.

* i may given away a piece of the puzzle, but who cares. my style is that of a bull in a china shop, which means, i dont care. "dude, there are times when you should care." i know, but right now isnt one of those times.

  i want to scream it out loud. i want to get it out of my system. i want to know which answer lies in wait, but in the end...well, in the end i know not much of it is going to be satisfying. it's going to disappoint me in a very obvious way, which in turn will only prove my brilliance. "dude, you're playing both sides now, stop it." oh well, it was worth a shot.

the reality: i like a girl and am too much of a coward to say anything to her because i KNOW my present circumstance is less than ideal AND i know that she deserves better, because she's been through so much.

"dude, you're pretty much summarizing what a lot of men and women are going through. you're no different, get out there and find out if this chick likes you!" dont tell me you're believing the hype now. bro, just look at your self, what could you POSSIBLY have to offer anybody. "love, brotha, we got love to offer and that is more than enough." yeah, but it wont pay the rent. "well, let me worry about that when i get to it."

* all i managed to do was to place my two primary "inner" voices into conflict with each other. honestly, i have my doubts about this girl, which is why i'm acting all shy and dragging my feet. but then, i can have doubts for just about anything or anyone. hell, i doubt my self sometimes and it has led us nowhere. *SCREAMS OUT LOUD*

"you thought you knew what you were doing when you began writing this, now it seems like it was all a hoax. you need to better organize your thoughts and ideas before committing them. or, at least commit to rewriting to improve upon your intended results. maybe then you wont feel like such a hack."

  okay, okay, okay, so i'm in turmoil. what does that even mean? oh wait, here comes the next wave of nonsense which is supposed to push aside the previous wave in order to make way for progress and logic to take place. somehow, i have the feeling that this will all end in disappointment...

"there you go again, edwin. you're sending out mixed signals again."

  dont you see. all i want to do is to BE SOMEBODY! i want to DO SOMETHING! i want to BE REMEMBERED!

"edwin, we can't have a serious conversation when you're acting out asking for attention. you've gotta be in control and at least pretend you have an interest in your immediate future."

  even in my head, i can't win for trying...

* no, i dont think this is "the" girl, so i'm going to remain quiet about how i feel about her. sure, i'll say that it's nice to feel my heart be tickled by the notion of love, but i'm too rational to have it sneak up on me. i have not recently met anyone who would be daft enough to consider me interesting enough for any relationship which wasnt disposable or convenient. people have desires which are beyond me. people live with their heads in the clouds believing that everything they want they can have.

  my reality is much more limited in it's scope, and i'm okay with that. mediocrity rules my existence, and no matter what i try and do to avoid it altogether, i'm destined to fall back into it, pulled in by the undertow. watch out everybody, because i've summed up the entire purpose of my life in one word: mediocrity.

  it was only a tad bit depressing to realize with the nigga Dave that THAT is what i have to look forward to. no matter how hard i try, the best i can imagine for my reality is mediocrity. i guess, with the right people it would seem like more of a realistic goal, but still.

*sigh*

  i've got to get back into mental and physical shape. all of this nonsense cluttering my "mind" is going to drive me further insane. one of these days things will make sense. today, however, is not that day.

  one day i will feel her stroking my face, pulling it closer towards hers, and the kiss will be...

edwin

"like mother like daughter..."

came up with a real winner the other night, which was even premiered to a pair of people i had literally just met. thought it was worth sharing, feel free to share it as well:

what did the man say when he saw his daughter's naked photo spread?
"well, she has her mother's lips..."

"hold fast to dreams..."

* the subject line is a reference to the poem "dreams" by the great harlem renaissance writer langston hughes. it's one i heard when i was about 10 years old and it has stuck with me since.

  no one tells you how difficult life is going to be. i mean, people try to explain things as thoroughly as possible to you, but the truth is we're all destined to figure most things out on our own, mostly through trial and error. life doesnt always allow for fortune cookie wisdom to be the first thing to pop into your head whenever you're encounterd with an outstanding circumstance. come to think of it, the ideas which usually pop into my head during such times only serve to make things more interesting, and that's okay in my book. i'd rather create a memory which will last for a while than to be paralyzed by fear.

* and i think that's in essence the name of the beast i've been wrestling with for some time. fear in the form of self doubt. i've been feeling so down and ashamed and embarassed and distraught and confused by everything that has happened for the past year that it finally brought me back to the low i was waiting to kick.

  i had to take my medicine today, that's how bad i got. i was trying to voice my thoughts and was having the worst time trying to speak. can you believe this? i NEVER have a problem voicing my opinion or making my ideas known, but for what feels like the longest time i have been having exactly this problem. i'll begin to speak and think i have a point to make and i feel like i end up rambling. not good. i used to process my ideas so quickly and eloquently it made others jealous. well, not really, but i think you know what i mean. the ability to process information quickly is a sought after asset. people like quick thinkers, and the more accurate the better. everyone wants to test you to see if you're the real deal that when you are it makes you feel like magic.

  and that's the feeling i feel has been missing from my life since the mysterious events of last year took place. i used to feel like i possessed magic in my words and that i was capable of getting into any interesting situation i could imagine. i used to go out and find random good times to fall into. i used to be social and the life of some parties. i used to drink with a purpose; not to get drunk, but to enjoy the experience. i used to be an entirely different person than who i would describe myself to be. i'm fully aware of this and the realization of it scares me.

  who am i?

* there's the doubt again. fear permeating my soul. ugh, it makes me shudder to think that i could feel so impotent. i dont feel that way right now, but to know the feeling disgusts me, and i used to unclog toilets for a living. i'm not some person with a weak stomach.

  i guess everyone, as they say, is going through it i just get everything magnified because of my condition. the highs and the lows are always overwhelming and i knew it when i woke up this morning. i just wasnt "feeling it". i didnt feel like me. i woke up sleepy headed and feeling disoriented so i laid back down until it passed, before i headed to the kitchen to begin my day. on days like this coffee always tastes amazing, i dont know why. i knew it hadnt fully hit me yet, so i attempted to have breakfast while having a conversation with my mother. i knew as soon as the food hit my lips my appetite wasnt there. this is going on its second week, so i told my mom and she called the local clinic. unfortunately, we have to be up early to wait until we can be seen with no guarantees of actually being seen. typical, as soon as i open my mouth about something which is worth taking care of i lose the energy and will to see it through.

  then my emotions began to stir all funny and the doubt became overwhelming until i felt like i was fighting back tears and all i wanted to do was voice my frustration. how i wished i could have screamed in that moment. or cried to finally let it out. no, i couldnt allow myself to display such emotion, especially when i know that every sudden high and low is a cause for alarm to my family. why does everybody have to react to everything? why can't they just sit, listen, and be patient to hear me through? the thoughts going through my head are sometimes too difficult to comprehend, imagine how i feel trying to voice them into words. i dont wish this upon anyone, which only further inceases my doubt.

  the voice in my head feels threatened, but why? i'm the only one talking, ha ha ha. i guess i speak so confidently sometimes i even scare my self.

  no, i HAVE to believe that things will improve. i HAVE to continue to believe that i have a greater purpose to serve. i HAVE to defeat the proverbial demons inside my head. i HAVE to restore my belief in my self. i HAVE to get laid again sometime so that i can stop thinking about it. you know it's been since march? i've gone longer without it, but right now i feel as if i have to prove something to my self. there goes the doubt fucking with me again. it plays me one way only to throw me in the other direction. damn it, why can't i just think and act like a normal person? wait, normal doesnt exist, we're all uniquely weird and different, it's kind of refreshing and exciting. at least, that's the opinion i agree with the most.

* why do i feel like i just want to disappear? why do i imagine my self living in another place in another country when i know such dreams are not so realistic. "edwin, you have to have money to do anything in this world, havent we made that perfectly clear to you? if not, you've gotta possess some talent or ability which will convince others to help you push your agenda forward." but i dont think on those terms. i dont think about ways to survive, i see the difficulties and think of sensible ways to overcome them. at least, that's how i imagine my self. have i been going about this all the wrong way? have i been trying to see ahead of every turn when i should be focusing solely on the road in front of me? sometimes my thoughts aide me, sometimes they deceive me, but they're all mine, so they all get jumbled.

  great, now the label of "damaged goods" is popping into my head. I DONT THINK ON THOSE TERMS, DAMN IT! STOP TRYING TO LABEL ME!!! "edwin, who are you yelling at, we're right here. we can hear you just fine." you know how i get, i'm passionate. i dont mean for things to get fucked up, they just do. everything i try to do just ends up fucked up, so i stopped trying. what would you have done? it's not as if i've ever really had a guide or mentor. i have always relied on my innate ability to figure things out. now, when things are at their darkest, life manages to catch up to me. everything seems fucked up. i dont seem like myself. troubles are beginning to pile up, and all i want is... is... um, damn it, what IS it that i want?!

  i had the same problem answering a similar question my mom posed. she asked in spanish "what would make you happy right now?" and all i could do was shake my head. it happened at the worst possible time of the day. i was feeling overwhelmed with a frog in my throat and all i wanted to do was cry. ARGH! both extremes at once, how do i put that into words for you to understand, because i'm beginning to think you're not really paying attention.

  damn it, i knew i shouldnt have gotten out of bed. "it would have happened eventually." yeah, you're right. you guys are ALWAYS right. even when you're wrong, you manage to convince me. wait, i'm talking to my self again, i'd better be careful. "dude, why do you always have to blow things out of proportion? you're like a child. every one is either consipiring against you or they just cant 'get' you. how many times are you going to have to relive the damned trauma?" as long as it takes. i know something happened, i'm convinced of this. that means somebody knows. "but you're never going to get any answers, edwin. let it go! learn to forget. think about something else you'd rather accomplish which would make you equally happy." see, i knew you guys would do that. great. even in my own head i can't comprehend my self. is this the root of the problem, or am i just being coy?

  damn third person objectivity. i'm cursed and blessed all at once. why can't i just do something stupid enough to turn this whole thing around? "things dont work that way. very few people luck into things. most have to work hard at something to become someone who has things and can go places." honestly, i just want to travel and speak. i want to meet people and enjoy life's greater rewards which come in small packages. "you're thinking too large again. focus on the little details and improve upon them. you can't spend your time with your head in the clouds, it's unhealthy. you have to deal with the reality in front of you." i've tried, but you see, the facts haunt me. nobody can convince me that the cops dont know something. "yeah, if they do, they're never going to tell you. how many times do we have to go through this?" yeah, i guess that's true. i'll have to figure it out some other way. "you're better off letting it go." we all know that's never going to happen. if it's the death of me, so be it. at least then i could say i died trying to discover/fulfill my purpose. "you're being melodramatic now. hilarious. like a child, i tell you."

* at least i can say this: i might be getting a job soon. then again, i'm also excited to see what the state has to say about me receiving SSI benefits. really interested to see what they have to say. what the hell can i expect? i've gotta find a website or someone who knows about these things.

  yeah, i called kevin, the night manager at the home depot in el cerrito, and he said he'll be doing some hiring for april and that i should finish my application online so he can call me on tuesday night. if not, i'm allowed to call him on wednesday night. nice! i'm so stoked. the prospect of having a paycheck again is very exciting. downright thought provoking, ha ha ha. makes me feel like i'm allowed to dream again. as long as there is some cash coming in i stand a chance. perhaps not much of one, but a chance nonetheless. isnt that what they say, that you have to be in it to win it? cliche's can be awesome.

  "bed time, homie. sleep is not to be taken for granted. and dont forget to take your medication, we're not going to do it for you, but we'll do our best to remind you..."

edwin

sans green beer, bagpipes, and leprechauns...

*...or pretty ladies for that matter.

  no, my friends, i have officially become: a SLACKER. my friend vicky called me that, because i have yet to start running for my own good. sure, we were supposed to plan to run the bay to breakers (was NEVER going to happen, so i let her know, ha ha ha) but i informed her that i wont be in shape in time. needless to say, i dont think it bothered her much. she's attractive and eligible enough to garner the attention of any man she chooses or desires. of course, that is to give her a certain amount of credit i'm not even sure she deserves. we'll give her the benefit of the doubt, ha ha ha. i saw a photo of her in her outfit tonight and it was, shall we say...AWESOME!

* i'm annoyed because the anonymous poster who posted a comment on my blog many moons ago never came back. i think it was a HE, but who knows what he wanted. his rhyming rant didnt leave me much to ponder, but i still wish they(?) would reappear and quit playing games.

  but, i guess that's the beauty of both the internet and life. one can choose to mess with pretty much any one, and if one knows what one is doing can pretty much get away with it. ho-hum, so be it. i figure, if it doesnt kill me...yeah, yeah, yeah.

* i thought i had something i wanted to write about, and in the back of my mind i do, but i might have to think it through a little more. i thought it should be quasi-romantic, but not gushing. something to do with...oh, never mind.

  i'm distracted by the image of my friend, vicky, in her stunning black dress with amazing green heels. i'll have to revisit this another time...

edwin

Moldova - SAX GUY EDITION - Eurovision Song Contest 2010

"life's not fair" and other dark comic thoughts...

* no matter how you try to explain it to me, life continually feels like a dream from which i'm endlessly "waking". this makes it very difficult for me to adjust to on a day-to-day basis because 1) i'm crazy 2) i know it 3) i refuse to do anything about it.

  i've tried explaining it to others the only way i know how. "you see, if i'm 'conscious' then i'm 'aware', and if i'm 'aware' then i can 'know', and if i 'know' then i can 'be', but emptily 'being' is no way to 'be' at all..." i've started to ramble again, which means i've probably lost my audience, not that i'd know it. this will proceed to go on for another 3-5 minutes before i'll attempt to show that i care if my audience is still with me. i swear, the point i was trying to make was both valid and interesting, but i got distracted. just give me a second to gather my thoughts.

* the more i learn in life, the more i'm reassured by the inevitable truth: i know absolutely nothing. this conflicts with my desires to want to be someone in life. "no one whose opinion was ever worth anything would admit to knowing nothing!" socrates did. damn it, i beat my self at my own game. at least i can coherently recognize that a competition just took place, even if the only competitiors were my self and i. you mean, this paragraph makes sense to you thus far? clearly, i'm gaining in my abilities if i was able to make a clear connection with another living soul, even for one second.

  people are so stuck in their own worlds and we're all such big polite cowards that we're too afraid to bother one another to have a real life conversation. at least, that's how i feel about it. i've got to voice the concerns of my inner curmudgeon. i have a feeling that "not letting 'him' speak" might be more detrimental to my mental health than i initially realized. maybe i have had a method to my madness all along. it sure seemed to be a mystery to me, too.

* everyone go, i'll stay here. somebody's got to remember for the rest of us, even if the night in question has already been forgotten. i swear, it was epic. no, really, it was epic in a way before the word "epic" became such a staple of the mainstream. kind of ironic, but i guess it's true what they say: eventually everything jumps the shark. i've never understood the meaning behind that phrase and i dont care to google it, either. i am purposely choosing to remain ignorant in order to give some clever wise guy/girl a chance to stupefy me later by explaining to me what "jumping the shark" means. yes, one person CAN be too clever for their own good.

  give me credit for this: i give people opportunities. that's more than can be said for the majority of all of the truly depressed bastards with whom i co-habitate in this petty existence. there are no "star" players here, just regular working class folk and lunatics side-by-side, the way reagan would've wanted. they dont see a difference between the mentally unstable and the downright lazy. "crazy? lazy? it's all the same thing. neither wants to be a productive member of society." at least, with "normal" folk you can tell they care because they cry when insulted. with me, there's little i'm unwilling to believe. throw your nastiest slurs at me, i'm willing to believe i deserved them somehow. is that what they call "coping"?

* as a perennial procrastinator and general deadbeat, i was thinking that today might not be the best day for suicide. it seems like a lot of trouble to prove a point which would be more rewarding to prove while alive. like, the finite nature of life makes it both exciting AND depressing. killing oneself would be so anti-climactic if it wasnt already expected. oops, i meant that killing oneself seems like the logical thing. oh wait, what was the point i was trying to prove again?

  life isnt fun once you take the time to analyze it. the prospect seems so exciting at first, until you start to ask questions and you realize the answers dont make any sense. "how come my entire life feels like i'm being given the short end of the stick?" stop asking questions, you're only going to distract from the greater purpose of turning you into a productive member of society. the only thing you'll end up accomplishing is turning yourself into the laughingstock of the town. "but that's kind of the point; i want people to laugh at me, even if at first they fail to see the greater point i'm trying to make". dont be silly, i think you fell asleep with your eyes open again. "you mean, i've been awake this whole time?" that's kind of what i've been trying to tell you...

* "okay, i think i'm beginning to get it." that's what you said last time, and the time before that. "are you sure i'm not a 'missing person'? i have a feeling that 'someone' might be looking for me". no, the only person looking for "you" is you. "so, who am i?" that's not funny. "no, really, if you are you say you are, who am i?" dude, we've been over this a thousand times. "humor me, please?" edwin, it was all in your head. you were having a manic episode. you were hallucinating. nadiya doesnt love you, remember. you spoke with her via email and she said she was moved by your romantic overture but she does not feel the same way. "so, who am i in love with and why does it still hurt so much?" stop. you're only going to confuse yourself even more. you have to find a way to get over this.

  "i cant! i've tried! every time i try to move on i'm paralyzed. i've tried explaining it to every person i know, every doctor i've met, but they've all reached the same conclusion: i'm a stark raving lunatic." edwin, you need to calm down, you're aggravating your situation. "that's what i mean! everyone comes back to the diagnosis. i dont live and understand life by a diagnosis, i understand thoughts and actions. none of what i've experienced makes sense, so why am i here?!"

  i think it's best if we give him some time. he seems to be upset. he's refusing to take his meds. "i forget about them, there's a difference. i'd take them if i felt i truly needed them. what i NEED is a job to provide for my self. maybe then all of these distractions wont seem so distracting. maybe then i'll be what you want me to be. maybe then you'll let me pursue my dreams." edwin, no one is holding you back. "sure, it may seem that way, but you dont know what i know: i dont stand a chance out there. without a support system, without someone to watch my back, i'm as good as dead in the water. there are people who have been waiting their whole lives for an opportunity and i'm supposed to prove by some miracle that i'm more deserving than they are? are you fucking kidding me?!"

* that's the thing they never tell you about dreaming: it can bring down your whole sense of reality. dreaming liberates your from the everyday struggles of ordinary life. it empowers you to believe beyond your wildest imaginations, which is supposed to empower you in real life, but i've found the opposite to be true. i find my self to be powerless in real life. the big bad powers that be continue to grow bigger and badder while the common man remains common. things continue to skew in favor of those who have and always will have.

  the usual back doors to success seem either too dirty for me, or downright scandalous. "you know, when you think about it, it really isnt fair how you can just 'luck' into a circumstance. an attractive woman can easily dupe any shmuck with money into falling in love with her. an attractive man could do the same with his preferred sexual orientation. i've never found enough passion for the physical act of sex to literally whore my self. i think i'm realizing i'd make a terrible gigolo. at least, i can cross it off my list of potential professions." edwin, no one "decides" to become a gigolo. they usually become one out of circumstance. "why should they have all the fun?" you really think it's fun to pump yourself up to have sex with someone in whom you have no sexual interest? "at least you're having sex." i think your sense of reality is too warped, even for this existence. "but i know there are people who are crazier than me!" most people can at least feign a general interest in life, you're not even trying.

  "i already told you! i'm 'conscious' and 'aware' and i'm trying to 'be' the best 'me' i can 'be'." we're trying to reason with you but you continue to throw things back in our face. "look, i'm trying, just be patient with me, please." how much more patient do you want us to be?

* i think i may have arrived ahead of schedule, because i managed to be labeled as "crazy" before my thirtieth birfday. i thought there were benefits i could sign up for. wasnt someone supposed to jump out of a cake for me? oh, you only get the cake if you're over 65. i get it. it's kind of an ironic way to die, you know, having someone jump out of a cake on your birfday. this is why i usually say i hate surprises. i find most surprises to be disappointing. that's because my imagination runs wild. if you even mention the word "surprise" i'm willing to believe you're going to announce you're up for an academy award for penning a movie that is loosely based on my life and you want me to join you at the awards show.

  some of that helps to explain a lot of the confusion i experienced last year, but it doesnt quite add up at all. for instance...

  stop it! we're not warning you again. leave it be. "so, who was i following and how come they chose to place me on 5150?" great, the questions again. now we'll never hear the end of it. "i'm just saying. take the time to look at things from my perspective. why would..."

  i think we'd be better off if we gave him a padded room and a computer on which to write his thoughts. "isnt that essentially what i'm doing right now?" yes, but you still have access to others. people could become infected with your thoughts and ideas. this could really get out of control. "i thought that's what you guys wanted from me? i thought you wanted me to do something with my life?" well, we were hoping you'd make a little more sense, you know? as in, stop scaring potential readers away with your scary talk about chasing spirits and channeling energy. "but it's all i know" i thought you said you didnt know anything? "you know what i mean, stop being coy." fine, but you stop sounding crazy, whatever that means.

* great, so now if i speak i'm crazy and if i dont speak it's downright crazy? which do you want me to be? i cant do both and trying to figure out which is better is only causing me more anxiety, none of which i know how to deal with. "maybe, if you'd take your medication your thoughts wouldnt feel like they were racing so much?" everyone's a fucking doctor now. "but you're in a hospital. a mental hospital at that." can't you see i'm fully aware of that?! "you're talking to yourself again." so, whose voice am i listening to right now? damn it, foiled again.

edwin

not a good night...

*...his sense of humor, generally his best weapon against the everyday evils he encountered, was starting to go. you could tell from his general attitude that things were deteriorating, but it was impossible to control. you had to get him to care first, and he had stopped caring a long time ago. it wasnt a matter of "if", it was a matter of "when".

  he didnt make the rules, but he certainly tried to live by them. this didnt make it any easier. what started out as a game in a child's mind eventually became a seemingly unbearable burden. it felt as if the world was unraveling quickly in his mind, which in turn served only to confuse him. he tried every trick he could imagine to adjust himself, to get himself to care, but very little worked anymore. you could see it in his eyes: the guy couldnt take it anymore.

  all of it made him feel hopeless, useless, and small. it impaled his usual energetic self, destroying any confidence which may have remained after his latest self-motivating pep talk. he tried, as best as he could, to compose himself somehow, but the usual flurry of thoughts and ideas felt overwhelming instead of reassuring. he knew this would eventually happen; it always happens, but it didnt make it any easier.

  instead, everything was serving to frustrate him, the opposite of his intended reaction. he couldnt understand why what had once seemed so easy now felt so impossible. he tried calling upon his inner self to calm himself, he tried a soothing mantra, he tried to meditate, he tried finding his "power animal" in his mind, he tried breathing exercies. none of it was working.

*  every thing he could think of, every word he uttered, everything was drowning out his inner voice. he could hear himself in his head, but he couldnt think. thoughts had begun to defy him, something he never would've imagined possible. how was it possible for him to be unable to comprehend his own thoughts? the mere thought paralyzed him, none of which helped him in his current predicament.

  he certainly was not the first to be afflicted by his condition, but he definitely felt like the only one. doctors told him he had bi-polar. no one could explain the details behind his latest episodes, yet everyone was certain of the diagnosis. they tried explaining to him how it worked, but all it did was confuse him further. he tried to understand, but he felt like a sideshow to them. they poked and prodded him like some strange animal. they asked him questions he felt were cupcakes. why did everyone feel like they were "in" on whatever joke he felt life was playing on him? why did it make sense to believe that "someone" was "behind" his latest "episode"? there were the questions again. he knew he'd better think of something else, but he couldnt help himself.

* the more he thought about everything, the more he felt confused. he wanted to believe that it was all going to be all right. he wanted to believe everything the doctors were telling him, but it conflicted with his version of the story. the way they told it, he was a crazy man, but he didnt feel that way. he tried explaining it again out loud. there had to be some logic behind his story, there wasnt any other way. he wasnt the kind of guy who obsessed over anyone, much less a celebrity. what would he have to gain from meeting one of them? they didnt know what it was like being him. they probably had fabulous lives doing fabulous things with fabulous people. what could he possibly have to offer people of that caliber? he was just a simple man caught up in a greater web, that's what he believed.

  he tried asking the doctors to explain the details he described, but every one of them shot him down. he knew he was losing the battle, but with whom was he fighting? he had to find a way around the questions in order to find his bearings, but he was having a terrible time focusing. "think back, think back, think back..." was all he could mutter to himself. he didnt just come into the city out of the blue, he never behaved that way. he always had a purpose behind each action, always had a reason for why he was doing something. he just needed a second for the details to come into focus.

  nope. fooled again. he was beginning to understand why they had him under their control. he didnt think it would happen again, he was certain he'd be "let in" this time. it was getting increasingly difficult having to explain the whole sequence of events to the EMT's when they arrived. it was worse trying to make sense of the way the cops behaved. did they really say that? did that really just happen? the doctors were taking turns trying to convince him it was all in his head. they werent succeeding.

* "...and eventually things will be explained to me..." he tried to reassure himself, but a greater sense of uneasiness was prevailing in his mind. every time he felt like he was on the cusp of discovering the purpose behind his journey he felt like he was falling back into a loop like a broken record. "but, how come..." this was beginning to grow tiresome, he knew he had to break the loop, so he decided to go for a drive.

  usually, when things werent going well, he could count on driving a couple of miles on the highway to "figure things out" before coming home when "things made sense" to him. the problem was that everything was beginning to make sense to him before it would stop making sense. he knew this wasnt good, so he tried as best he could to cope.

* another uneasy night of sleep, another morning of questions, another day of pondering.

  if thinking was an olympic sport, he'd be a world class athlete. instead, he's labeled as a crazy person. some labels are harder than others to shake. this isnt one he's planning on shaking, either. he wears it proudly like a badge of honor. few others can boast that they are crazy and know about it.

  the problem was deciding what to do now that he had finally gained "recognition". is that what he was calling it? "oh boy!" someone was going to have to explain it to him again. it seems as if he's never going to get it...

if you read this you will die...

okay! now that i have your attention...

* i'm not dead. that rumor you heard was a metaphor an ex once used to describe how she felt about our break-up. needless to say, it was all hogwash. i managed to eat through the steel chains to free myself. "give us us free!"

* i'm doing MUUUCH better, my friends. after spending what amounts to a year trapped inside of my own head, i've come, i think, full circle back to where it all began. my mental health is something i've discussed, but havent always given updates on. it wasnt until two saturdays ago, Feb 26th, 2011, that i began to TRULY feel like my old self.

  there was this "sense of awakening", as is the only way that i can describe it. i "woke up" from this crazy dream i thought i was having and life began to feel both confusing and perfect at the same time. that's how i knew i had "arrived". people have often given me perplexed looks when they've listened to me talk about the truly confusing events which occurred last year. everything from driving SUPER fast and getting "tunnel vision" and somehow ending up in mountain view with a blown out tire, to believing i was somehow channeling the spirit of scarlett johansson (seriously, i'm not kidding, and even i cant explain this thought) is just one crazy story after another. sure, i've always been eccentric and quirky, and i've always had a certain panache, especially with the ladies (in the sense that they enjoy and are entertained by my being who i am), but the developments which occurred in the first quarter of last year went far beyond even my wildest imaginations.

  and maybe that's the point: it was all "an episode". you'd have a slightly more easier task of convincing me to give up medical marijuana. in other words, it aint gonna happen. i stand by what i believe and i dont care how "crazy" it makes me seem to others. i lived through something only i can ever explain, and the initial thought obviously scared me. now that i'm beginning to feel like my "old" self, it's time to take up my old goals to improve my self. i've gotta get back to working out, eating right, and generally spreading joy wherever i go.

  thoughts and ideas continue to swim inside my head, it's just a matter of finding a way to organize them so that i may coherently share them with others. i've always believed that i possessed "certain" abilities and talents, but now i'm at the point in my life where i must put-up or shut-up. i know that it's simply up to me to be the creative force that i've always imagined myself to be.

  as they say, there is a time for everything. in my young 27 years of life, i have come to realize that it is definitely time to fight for what i believe in. this will require that i improve upon skills which i havent sharpened in some time, but i'm okay with this. it's simply the idea of having a gameplan which works for me. i've always been a "thinker" now i must be a "doer" as well. while this may not seem like much of a revelation to any working class individual who has overcome many of the obstacles i plan to encounter, it is the mere fact that i can even utter the words to "MOVE ON" from my past traumatic experiences that motivates me. depression almost ended me, but i managed to overcome it by reminding myself that i was "going through it". i held on to my belief that things would be better on the other side, even if i had no idea what that meant. now that i'm here, i think it means that i get to do and say as i see fit, so long as i can stand behind my thoughts and actions and am willing to work hard to earn recognition for said thoughts and actions.

i could go on, but i think i've made my point. thanks for reading!!!

edwin