* people, i dont play when i say something: it's beginning to happen all over again.
as i've been discussing for the past couple of posts, "something" is beginning to happen again. that something is currently up for debate, but suffice it to say that i'm going with the "i'm crazy" slogan this time around, embracing our already wonderful diagnosis of bi-polar so that a certain reality check isnt needed afterwards. i've been preparing myself for this for the past couple of months.
* for some reason "bury me a g" by tupac has been stuck in my head for a while.
hook: i aint got time for bitches/gotta keep my mind on my mothafuckin' riches/even when i die/they wont worry me/momma dont cry/bury me a g
now, to be clear, i do alright as a "G", but not in the literal sense. i'm not a gangster who is out there slanging and hustling. no, i do much better as a figurative "G". i'm the kid who gets along with everyone, "G's" included, so it is only natural that some "G" tendencies should rub off on me, ha ha ha.
or in other words, "i'm not a player, i just i fuck a lot!" (thank you, Big Pun). not really, though. i'm just fucking around saying shit, and i'm bound to get my self into trouble again for being loose at the lips. the best part for me, though, is that it is what everyone thinks about me. people think i'm a player. always have, and probably always will. i think it's because i possess a devilish smile and sarcastic enough wit to leave people guessing about my intentions, even though they're usually well-to-do. i always tell everyone "if i was getting laid as often as you think i am, i wouldnt have to talk to women." sure, it doesnt exactly measure up as a statement, but it's saying something.
* we're slowly creeping towards 7am and i think i might finally be able to go back to bed. i dont feel as wired as i did an hour ago, but the true test will be when i finally put my head down. i can feel my eyes burning for more sleep, but the internal being which is my "self" is refusing to submit quietly to my demands. it's like he's a goddamn tweeker stuck on some roof who is oblivious to the fact that everyone is wondering if he's going to jump when all he's really doing is admiring the view from the top. silly how that works, right? one morning you wake up at the bottom looking up, but when you wake up looking down from the top everyone thinks you're suicidal. that's not the case with me. i've accepted that i'm crazy for all of my life, it's just taken me this long to begin to understand all of lifes greater mysteries.
or as i said yesterday: you can't fix crazy.
* alright, i think i'm going to attempt to go back to sleep for another couple of hours. i dont want to sleep until 10am, like i normally do, but it is imporant that i get another couple of hours. i'll cherish mornings like this until they become the norm, and then i'll cherish whatever other small changes life has in-store for me. dont get me wrong, the "mystery" i've been working on all year long will reveal itself to me, i just have to be patient. it's something i've been receiving from the "spirits". i believe they want me to remain calm, so i will remain calm. there's no point in aggravating my self if i believe i know how everything is going to end.
i can feel the sleep monster creeping further into me and it's demanding more of my attention. soon, i wont even be able to write anymore, but before that happens, let's sign off and crawl back into bed.
oooooo! i got it! i think...oh, nevermind, i'm too sleepy to keep writing...
edwin
Saturday, September 18, 2010
i broke my internal clock again...
* this is exactly what we've been waiting for, folks. the grand moment is slowly developing to reveal itself. i'm referring, of course, to the change in conditions as my mental state "improves." i say i'm improving, even though i have no idea for sure, since i'm technically supposed to be taking my medication, but i've stopped taking it for about a month now. some medical professionals might disagree, but no one's asking them.
i'm unable to sleep even though it is almost 2am as of this writing. i've been keeping random hours the past couple of days, something which i was experiencing before when things were beginning to "happen". i made a commitment to my self, and to my family and friends, that i wouldnt let things spiral out of control this time, and i intend to keep it. i think i am beginning to experience small episodes of mania again, but cannot say for sure. all i know is that i'm beginning to experience certain things again and this excites me.
* my eyes scream of exhaustion, but my mind refuses to submit. what gives? i think i'm in the middle of a "return" with regards to what i feel was "taken" from me. again, this is something else which is difficult for me to explain, but simply know that it means i'm going to be fine.
* whoa, i think the exhaustion might finally take over and i'll finally be able to fall asleep. tossing and turning is not fun when you desire to sleep, it's more fun when you have a partner with whom to do so. ha ha ha. yeah, the jokes are light tonight, my brain isnt up to the task of making "funnies".
*yawn* i think i should go to bed now...
edwin
i'm unable to sleep even though it is almost 2am as of this writing. i've been keeping random hours the past couple of days, something which i was experiencing before when things were beginning to "happen". i made a commitment to my self, and to my family and friends, that i wouldnt let things spiral out of control this time, and i intend to keep it. i think i am beginning to experience small episodes of mania again, but cannot say for sure. all i know is that i'm beginning to experience certain things again and this excites me.
* my eyes scream of exhaustion, but my mind refuses to submit. what gives? i think i'm in the middle of a "return" with regards to what i feel was "taken" from me. again, this is something else which is difficult for me to explain, but simply know that it means i'm going to be fine.
* whoa, i think the exhaustion might finally take over and i'll finally be able to fall asleep. tossing and turning is not fun when you desire to sleep, it's more fun when you have a partner with whom to do so. ha ha ha. yeah, the jokes are light tonight, my brain isnt up to the task of making "funnies".
*yawn* i think i should go to bed now...
edwin
Friday, September 17, 2010
"i aint a killer but dont push me..."
"revenge is like the sweetest joy, next to getting pussy..." -- tupac from "hail mary"
* an instant classic of opening lines, if ever such a thing existed. it's kind of like you cant say the first part without someone finishing the second part of it. at least, that's how i feel about it.
havent been able to take my mind off of the concept of time again, which is good, because these are the sorts of thoughts i need to focus on, if i am to make a full recovery. i'm a rambler, but that doesnt necessarily mean i'm crazy. i'm crazy because the doctors say i'm crazy, but it doesn mean it is where things end, either. before things went super bananas, before i ended up in the hospital, i remember a certain sensation of bliss with the environment, almost like enlightenment would feel like, if you can imagine such a concept. this feeling is slowly beginning to return and i'm feeling much better because of this. it's what i've been waiting for and i told my self i would do a better job of remembering the sensations as they progressed, and that i would follow my footsteps more closely this time to avoid future hospitalizations.
* lately, the idea of what life must've been like before the internet took over everything has not been able to leave my mind. i cant shake it. did people really used to do EVERYTHING they used to do? are contemporary people, by similar standards, lazier than ever? as a philosopher, i am in charge of answering lifes bigger questions, and i have to conclude that i believe people are no more lazier now than at any other time in history. if anything, life is a little more difficult because of the perceived easiness of contemporary life. with the prevalence of computers, and the assumption that every child now has access to one, people are beginning to place higher demands and expectations on our children, while existing members of society try and keep up with the strenuous pace which industry and technology have forced us to live by. perhaps things have always been competitive and cutthroat, but i have a hard time imagining to what degree they are now more or less competitive and cutthroat.
for example, i can imagine that back when people were primarily supposed to rely on their voices, people would make more concerted efforts to be heard and to listen to others. now, it seems that everyone is so involved with their cell phone it is almost impossible to flag down a stranger in the street, or to have a meaningful conversation with said stranger in a bar. again, the internet can be cited as a reason for all of this, but this isnt an attempt to criminalize the internet. i'm simply pointing out how times have changed in such a short period.
i would imagine that conversations in the past typically revolved around most of the same topics as today, but it is the flair which used to be exhibited in public to which i am referring. before, one had to find ways to be seen or heard in public without disrupting everyone else's space. now, it would seem that people would rather avoid being noticed for fear of the awkwardness which invariably arrives. i ask my self, "why do things have to be this way?" concurrently, i ask myself, "how did things used to be?"
* and thus, we discover my interest in time. when your mind is used to racing a million miles a second you really begin to miss it when the feeling disappears. the primary thing i was working on, before the debacle which was the first half of the year, was to examine the concept of time from the most abstract principles possible. of course, being a student and suffering from an overabundance of time, and feeling mostly that classes were easy enough for me to continue to focus on my work, i moved forward with my proposed experiment without fully considering the consequences.
looking back at everything, that was my first mistake. i should've been more careful. i should've tested variables better, instead of allowing them to overwhelm me as i fell deeper into my own spell. it was only natural, then, that everything should end up so fucked up. how could all of this have managed to work itself out if i had never taken the time to consider the goddamn consequences? this is, of course, a rhetorical question. ha ha ha. i guess the point i'm trying to make is simply that...
...well, i guess, with me, there really is no point. time is a relative concept, because it is relative to everyone, but at the same time it is on-going...
* and then it hit me: i was exhausted. keeping strange hours lately is beginning to affect me. this is the second day in a row where i woke up really early to write. maybe it can be my new habit, but i'd rather it not. or rather, i would prefer it to be a little more rewarding, but i guess i'll have to remain patient *wink*. i woke up around 6am earlier today, but it is now five to seven and i think i'd like to catch some more sleep before i officially wake up.
*yawns*
yes, my friends, it is certainly time for more sleep...
edwin
Thursday, September 16, 2010
in communion with the spirits...
* the past couple of days i've had flashes of my "old" self flicker in my brain. this makes me happy, because it is exactly what i've been waiting for. see, the way things work for me are by recognition and memory. in other words, i live through everything and i remember exactly how i got my self into certain situations, until something happens to knock me off of my perch, then i end up utterly confused, which is exactly what happened to me earlier this year.
now, it seems everything is changing again. i dont know how to describe all of it, but if i had to try i'd have to claim certain revelations are finally occurring, which is what i had asked for in previous writings, and i'm thankful for this. otherwise, the only other way i would descibe my feelings recently is by saying that i'm regaining some of my old form.
a trick i've been using to help me to cheer up is to remind my self that things are unfinished, but that i'm in no rush for them to reveal themselves to me. again, i perceive the world in a very special way, but this does not have to prevent me from being a productive member of society. in fact, i can probably use my special perspective to my advantage by producing killer stand-up based on the fact that i have already been diagnosed as crazy. it will have to be smartly written, of course, but i think i could pull it off.
"you want a reason why i can't be trusted? i've been certified by doctors as being crazy; you do the math and figure out if i'm a reliable witness to anything. for all i know, i'm having a manic episode right now, ha ha ha."
* i would have a built-in excuse for always being my self. or rather, i already have a built-in excuse for being my self, damn it. hell, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, i believe i'm crazy, and everyone who loves me would agree that most of what i think, say, and do revolves around a crazy thought, what's the point in selling my self as anything but crazy? crazy sells, damn it, believe me, i know. why else do you think cheap celebrity magazines rake it in at the cash register line in supermarkets? everyone wants to know what celebrities are up to, and it has already been proven that 99.9% of celebrities are crazy on some level. you almost have to be to make in the entertainment industry.
only a strange thing happened: the internet was invented and now any shmuck with ability is being discovered, pandered, and pushed onto the masses, to the point that most people are afraid to produce truly original acts. or maybe i have it backwards? maybe, the internet is making it so that everyone can access everyone elses work, and now people are too spread out to spend the time to build a cult following, as was usually done back in the day? or maybe, people are working so hard trying to share their work with everyone everywhere that they end up having to take longer tours to reach every destination where they hold enough popularity to warrant a tour stop? i dont know, but regardless, i think the community of comics has yet to truly take advantage of everything the internet, and other new media, have to offer.
that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
* you want to know what would be my dream job? honestly? with no joke involved? well, the jokes write themselves, but if i could pick any employment, i would want to be the mayor of san francisco. of course, i could always lobby for a position in any future races by nicknaming myself (again) as "the mayor of san francisco", but let's save that one for later. instead, let's think about how funny and entertaining it would be if i were the mayor of san francisco. it would certainly make for a great interview, ha ha ha.
interviewer: mr. coreas, how did you manage to acquire the mayoral position?
me: i picked the job out of a hat. someone said it possessed special qualities, i think they said it was a talking hat (thank you, JK Rowling), and it pretty much decided that i should be mayor.
interviewer: that's interesting, mr coreas, because we see here that there were dozens of people more qualified than yourself for the position. what makes you believe you deserve it above those candidates?
me: well, first, i believe in my abilities, and in those of the talking hat, so why wouldnt it make sense that together our collective wisdom could be trusted to make a decision on behalf of the voters which would actually make them happy? what makes me less deserving to run a city than any other business person, to whom the positions is usually rewarded? let's just use the example of the ancient romans, who would allow for anyone to be caesar if it meant protecting and defending a city. or wait, i'm rambling again, and i think i might have all of my facts confused. never-you-mind, the point i was trying to make is that i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and god-damn-it, people like me!
***
okay, so maybe the interview wasnt as funny as i thought, but it was worth writing it out. i tried, my friends, so forgive me if my effort was lacking in any way.
* i can honestly say i'm beginning to feel much better about everything. or at least, this is as good as i've felt in a really long time. i'm beginning to "feel" flashes of my old self and this excites me, because it means that i can hold hope that someday i will make a full recovery from this debacle which almost drove me completely insane. i can hold hope that someday i'll find myself revving with confidence, standing in front of a microphone, telling raunchy jokes which are a throwback to a time when people didnt hold reservations about what to say, they just said things, and they acted them out on-stage. i'm trying to tell you that i have a comic lion caged within and it's aching to break out of me, only i havent found the confidence to open his goddamned cage.
the little kitty, which only appears to be innocent, stirs and purrs, and almost seductively asks to be let out, but it is this lack of emotion which reminds me that he is not ready. once the animal inside is raring to be let out, only then will i consider setting him free. he used to be a hungry lion, one who made me proud, but his spirit was taken from me. i feel that all of this is about to change. only time will tell.
in any case, i thank you for reading this...
edwin
now, it seems everything is changing again. i dont know how to describe all of it, but if i had to try i'd have to claim certain revelations are finally occurring, which is what i had asked for in previous writings, and i'm thankful for this. otherwise, the only other way i would descibe my feelings recently is by saying that i'm regaining some of my old form.
a trick i've been using to help me to cheer up is to remind my self that things are unfinished, but that i'm in no rush for them to reveal themselves to me. again, i perceive the world in a very special way, but this does not have to prevent me from being a productive member of society. in fact, i can probably use my special perspective to my advantage by producing killer stand-up based on the fact that i have already been diagnosed as crazy. it will have to be smartly written, of course, but i think i could pull it off.
"you want a reason why i can't be trusted? i've been certified by doctors as being crazy; you do the math and figure out if i'm a reliable witness to anything. for all i know, i'm having a manic episode right now, ha ha ha."
* i would have a built-in excuse for always being my self. or rather, i already have a built-in excuse for being my self, damn it. hell, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, i believe i'm crazy, and everyone who loves me would agree that most of what i think, say, and do revolves around a crazy thought, what's the point in selling my self as anything but crazy? crazy sells, damn it, believe me, i know. why else do you think cheap celebrity magazines rake it in at the cash register line in supermarkets? everyone wants to know what celebrities are up to, and it has already been proven that 99.9% of celebrities are crazy on some level. you almost have to be to make in the entertainment industry.
only a strange thing happened: the internet was invented and now any shmuck with ability is being discovered, pandered, and pushed onto the masses, to the point that most people are afraid to produce truly original acts. or maybe i have it backwards? maybe, the internet is making it so that everyone can access everyone elses work, and now people are too spread out to spend the time to build a cult following, as was usually done back in the day? or maybe, people are working so hard trying to share their work with everyone everywhere that they end up having to take longer tours to reach every destination where they hold enough popularity to warrant a tour stop? i dont know, but regardless, i think the community of comics has yet to truly take advantage of everything the internet, and other new media, have to offer.
that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
* you want to know what would be my dream job? honestly? with no joke involved? well, the jokes write themselves, but if i could pick any employment, i would want to be the mayor of san francisco. of course, i could always lobby for a position in any future races by nicknaming myself (again) as "the mayor of san francisco", but let's save that one for later. instead, let's think about how funny and entertaining it would be if i were the mayor of san francisco. it would certainly make for a great interview, ha ha ha.
interviewer: mr. coreas, how did you manage to acquire the mayoral position?
me: i picked the job out of a hat. someone said it possessed special qualities, i think they said it was a talking hat (thank you, JK Rowling), and it pretty much decided that i should be mayor.
interviewer: that's interesting, mr coreas, because we see here that there were dozens of people more qualified than yourself for the position. what makes you believe you deserve it above those candidates?
me: well, first, i believe in my abilities, and in those of the talking hat, so why wouldnt it make sense that together our collective wisdom could be trusted to make a decision on behalf of the voters which would actually make them happy? what makes me less deserving to run a city than any other business person, to whom the positions is usually rewarded? let's just use the example of the ancient romans, who would allow for anyone to be caesar if it meant protecting and defending a city. or wait, i'm rambling again, and i think i might have all of my facts confused. never-you-mind, the point i was trying to make is that i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and god-damn-it, people like me!
***
okay, so maybe the interview wasnt as funny as i thought, but it was worth writing it out. i tried, my friends, so forgive me if my effort was lacking in any way.
* i can honestly say i'm beginning to feel much better about everything. or at least, this is as good as i've felt in a really long time. i'm beginning to "feel" flashes of my old self and this excites me, because it means that i can hold hope that someday i will make a full recovery from this debacle which almost drove me completely insane. i can hold hope that someday i'll find myself revving with confidence, standing in front of a microphone, telling raunchy jokes which are a throwback to a time when people didnt hold reservations about what to say, they just said things, and they acted them out on-stage. i'm trying to tell you that i have a comic lion caged within and it's aching to break out of me, only i havent found the confidence to open his goddamned cage.
the little kitty, which only appears to be innocent, stirs and purrs, and almost seductively asks to be let out, but it is this lack of emotion which reminds me that he is not ready. once the animal inside is raring to be let out, only then will i consider setting him free. he used to be a hungry lion, one who made me proud, but his spirit was taken from me. i feel that all of this is about to change. only time will tell.
in any case, i thank you for reading this...
edwin
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"hey big mouth, shut up!!!"
that's an inside joke, with my self, so please dont be alarmed by the subject line of the blog.
* so lately the light has been flickering in my head. certain things have happened recently which helped me to begin to think that perhaps, after all of this time, i've been going about things the wrong way. yesterday i felt something which reminded me of the feelings from before; a sublime happiness and almost seemingly familiar feeling of communion with the universe. if i could say i was crazy for a minute -- scratch that, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, so let's move on. if i could describe the feeling as "communicating with the universe" then that's how i would describe it, there's no other way.
i dont know what to attritbute the feelings to, since i wasnt doing anything different than i what i normally do. the main difference is that this time i did not feel scared by the feelings which overcame me. because of their familiarity, they began to help me to think about how everything i have lived through this year might be connected. that's exactly the request i made in my previous blog, so someone "up there" has been listening and perhaps is answering me.
* that's the unofficial report. what i choose to believe is that the game is starting up again. the voices are BACK!!! ha ha ha, hence the subject line. i think that further back than i care to remember i've heard "voices". but before you freak out about it, just think about what it could possibly mean? or to juxtapose it with popular culture: there is presently a hit tv show where the lead character is a smoking hot waitress with telepathic powers who falls in love with a vampire, mostly because she cant read his thoughts. isnt this a little...strange? perhaps, but the underlying point i'm trying to make is that sookie stackhouse and i are not too different, with the exception being that she's a comic book character turned into a hit tv show.
i guess all i'm trying to say is that my moods have gotten better lately. for example, yesterday i spent all day wondering what life might have been like for me if i had not been born during the beginning of the digital age. i began to think about how everything in my life would've been different if i never had a telephone to rely upon, or the internet, or any of the other conveniences which we take for granted today. i guess it comes with the territory. nothing can ever be great enough that it helps us to never forget. as soon as the masses discover a new play thing we instantly become dumber.
* my cousin, rick, and my friend, dave, were making fun of me a little bit because of my wayward thoughts, but i couldnt help but stick to my guns. that's what you did in the old days. you would josh with your friends and they would take it in return. that, amongst other things, has been something i have learned recently. i'm a different boy with different beliefs and tendencies, but i'm trying to do the best i can to find answers to the questions which remain. primarily, when will everything finally be revealed to me? i know they say that god works in mysterious ways, but i retort that god isnt mysterious, he is transparent. i would argue that people work in mysterious ways. some people fight to help others to see the difference.
or as i told my cousin rick: i experience the world in a different way, but that doesnt mean i'm weird. before the events which took place earlier this year, i wouldnt have thought twice to open up to everyone about certain things about me, but now i have learned that i need to have tact. this is something i did not learn as a child, so you can imagine how difficult it is to learn as an adult. instead, i learned to always be honest and forthcoming with my elders, especially when things are going haywire. nothing like several beatings as a child from screaming parents to traumatize me into having a fear of authority. and it's not like the cops make it any easier with their tone of voice and how they speak to you.
now, i've learned that i have to be super selective about the way i live and experience my life. if i want to believe that i have psychic powers, then i have psychic powers. if i want to believe that i can communicate without speaking, then i can communicate without speaking. if i want to believe that i was "guided" through psychic means to an address, and that my inability to communicate effectively with the spirit(s) i was channeling is what led me to the hospital, then that's exactly what happened. my point is that i'm learning to stand up for my self, which is something my buddy dave has been helping me with.
* for those who dont know: i'm not a shit-talker. i'm not typically one of those people who likes to rile up others for the sake enjoyment and entertainment, two points which are always reason enough to shake the devil out of someone, especially if it's a friend. instead, i like to take a more diplomatic approach to crowds. i talk to as many people as possible and i usually leave little to the imagination concerning my intentions, which are usually just to make conversation with others. at the same time, we are all subject to the same passions and desires, so it is only natural that my flirtatious side comes out. all of this usually works fine and well when i'm feeling like "my self."
however, because of my different run-ins with the law this year, and because i have always had a special relationship with my parents, in that i have never had an easy time talking with them about my actions both good and bad, i have developed the tendency to shut down whenever i have to deal with the cops. lately, that has extended to other areas of my life. i begin to shut down whenever i feel sad and depressed, and it has been too long since i could remember a different feeling. in fact, that last time i remember feeling like "my self" was during the time when i was actively chasing spirits and trying to get in touch with the supernatural.
* people dont like to hear about such things, which is why i came up with the joke of "hey big mouth, shut up!!!" i was thinking about how i might be perecived in the past if i walked around telling people that i was able to communicate telepathically with anyone. first of all, they'd laugh because it would sound impossible. second, they'd probably think and say that they thought i was crazy. well, how does that change how i've felt about my self all of this time? how does that change any thing i have believed about my self, most notably that i am crazy and am destined for greater things? none of these change a thing, except the fact that someone took the time to listen and hopefully believe me.
so, i figure that i'll just learn to be more selective about whom i tell concerning my "abilities." however, whenever pushed to answer, i'll tell people that i'm bi-polar, which means they should take everything i say with a grain of salt, ha ha ha. again, if i believe it, then it is my reality, and i should be able to back it up when push comes to shove. i didnt do that the first time around. i didnt do my part. i think i spoke way too much and i ruined a possibly excellent performance by an undiscovered performance artist, which is my self.
* i think i was supposed to end up in the hospital without anyone knowing and i was supposed to end up meeting some interesting characters who would've eventually led me to the place i was looking for, but i panicked. i freaked out about everything, which only ruined the spiritual connection i was sharing. i think the person on the other end figured i was too unstable to be worked with and they were right, but i wanted things to work, so we tried and failed. strangely, i remember that everything was moving at a speed i had never experienced before, which is why i believe things failed.
my thought process used to be ridiculously fast, until this experience took that away from me. in fact, i feel like i lost a lot of my self because of the experience and i'm slowly regaining everything again. i used to be able to do some things which i am no longer able to do, but i refuse to believe that i automatically forgot, or that i unlearned some things. if you ask me, i believe that these things were taken through me. of course, such speak is crazy-speak, so let's entertain it.
i think the same process which allowed me to tap into a greater subconsciousness to be able to communicate spiritually with whomever i was communicating also allowed for them to take some of my greater knowledge and wisdom. it's a two-way street, i think. however, there are ways to unlock it. i also think they took more than they had bargained for and now they are finally coming back to finish what they started. we'll see, though, obviously, because this is an ongoing process, one which i do not think will ever end.
* anyway, it's 2:30am, it's late enough and i should really be back in bed...
* so lately the light has been flickering in my head. certain things have happened recently which helped me to begin to think that perhaps, after all of this time, i've been going about things the wrong way. yesterday i felt something which reminded me of the feelings from before; a sublime happiness and almost seemingly familiar feeling of communion with the universe. if i could say i was crazy for a minute -- scratch that, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, so let's move on. if i could describe the feeling as "communicating with the universe" then that's how i would describe it, there's no other way.
i dont know what to attritbute the feelings to, since i wasnt doing anything different than i what i normally do. the main difference is that this time i did not feel scared by the feelings which overcame me. because of their familiarity, they began to help me to think about how everything i have lived through this year might be connected. that's exactly the request i made in my previous blog, so someone "up there" has been listening and perhaps is answering me.
* that's the unofficial report. what i choose to believe is that the game is starting up again. the voices are BACK!!! ha ha ha, hence the subject line. i think that further back than i care to remember i've heard "voices". but before you freak out about it, just think about what it could possibly mean? or to juxtapose it with popular culture: there is presently a hit tv show where the lead character is a smoking hot waitress with telepathic powers who falls in love with a vampire, mostly because she cant read his thoughts. isnt this a little...strange? perhaps, but the underlying point i'm trying to make is that sookie stackhouse and i are not too different, with the exception being that she's a comic book character turned into a hit tv show.
i guess all i'm trying to say is that my moods have gotten better lately. for example, yesterday i spent all day wondering what life might have been like for me if i had not been born during the beginning of the digital age. i began to think about how everything in my life would've been different if i never had a telephone to rely upon, or the internet, or any of the other conveniences which we take for granted today. i guess it comes with the territory. nothing can ever be great enough that it helps us to never forget. as soon as the masses discover a new play thing we instantly become dumber.
* my cousin, rick, and my friend, dave, were making fun of me a little bit because of my wayward thoughts, but i couldnt help but stick to my guns. that's what you did in the old days. you would josh with your friends and they would take it in return. that, amongst other things, has been something i have learned recently. i'm a different boy with different beliefs and tendencies, but i'm trying to do the best i can to find answers to the questions which remain. primarily, when will everything finally be revealed to me? i know they say that god works in mysterious ways, but i retort that god isnt mysterious, he is transparent. i would argue that people work in mysterious ways. some people fight to help others to see the difference.
or as i told my cousin rick: i experience the world in a different way, but that doesnt mean i'm weird. before the events which took place earlier this year, i wouldnt have thought twice to open up to everyone about certain things about me, but now i have learned that i need to have tact. this is something i did not learn as a child, so you can imagine how difficult it is to learn as an adult. instead, i learned to always be honest and forthcoming with my elders, especially when things are going haywire. nothing like several beatings as a child from screaming parents to traumatize me into having a fear of authority. and it's not like the cops make it any easier with their tone of voice and how they speak to you.
now, i've learned that i have to be super selective about the way i live and experience my life. if i want to believe that i have psychic powers, then i have psychic powers. if i want to believe that i can communicate without speaking, then i can communicate without speaking. if i want to believe that i was "guided" through psychic means to an address, and that my inability to communicate effectively with the spirit(s) i was channeling is what led me to the hospital, then that's exactly what happened. my point is that i'm learning to stand up for my self, which is something my buddy dave has been helping me with.
* for those who dont know: i'm not a shit-talker. i'm not typically one of those people who likes to rile up others for the sake enjoyment and entertainment, two points which are always reason enough to shake the devil out of someone, especially if it's a friend. instead, i like to take a more diplomatic approach to crowds. i talk to as many people as possible and i usually leave little to the imagination concerning my intentions, which are usually just to make conversation with others. at the same time, we are all subject to the same passions and desires, so it is only natural that my flirtatious side comes out. all of this usually works fine and well when i'm feeling like "my self."
however, because of my different run-ins with the law this year, and because i have always had a special relationship with my parents, in that i have never had an easy time talking with them about my actions both good and bad, i have developed the tendency to shut down whenever i have to deal with the cops. lately, that has extended to other areas of my life. i begin to shut down whenever i feel sad and depressed, and it has been too long since i could remember a different feeling. in fact, that last time i remember feeling like "my self" was during the time when i was actively chasing spirits and trying to get in touch with the supernatural.
* people dont like to hear about such things, which is why i came up with the joke of "hey big mouth, shut up!!!" i was thinking about how i might be perecived in the past if i walked around telling people that i was able to communicate telepathically with anyone. first of all, they'd laugh because it would sound impossible. second, they'd probably think and say that they thought i was crazy. well, how does that change how i've felt about my self all of this time? how does that change any thing i have believed about my self, most notably that i am crazy and am destined for greater things? none of these change a thing, except the fact that someone took the time to listen and hopefully believe me.
so, i figure that i'll just learn to be more selective about whom i tell concerning my "abilities." however, whenever pushed to answer, i'll tell people that i'm bi-polar, which means they should take everything i say with a grain of salt, ha ha ha. again, if i believe it, then it is my reality, and i should be able to back it up when push comes to shove. i didnt do that the first time around. i didnt do my part. i think i spoke way too much and i ruined a possibly excellent performance by an undiscovered performance artist, which is my self.
* i think i was supposed to end up in the hospital without anyone knowing and i was supposed to end up meeting some interesting characters who would've eventually led me to the place i was looking for, but i panicked. i freaked out about everything, which only ruined the spiritual connection i was sharing. i think the person on the other end figured i was too unstable to be worked with and they were right, but i wanted things to work, so we tried and failed. strangely, i remember that everything was moving at a speed i had never experienced before, which is why i believe things failed.
my thought process used to be ridiculously fast, until this experience took that away from me. in fact, i feel like i lost a lot of my self because of the experience and i'm slowly regaining everything again. i used to be able to do some things which i am no longer able to do, but i refuse to believe that i automatically forgot, or that i unlearned some things. if you ask me, i believe that these things were taken through me. of course, such speak is crazy-speak, so let's entertain it.
i think the same process which allowed me to tap into a greater subconsciousness to be able to communicate spiritually with whomever i was communicating also allowed for them to take some of my greater knowledge and wisdom. it's a two-way street, i think. however, there are ways to unlock it. i also think they took more than they had bargained for and now they are finally coming back to finish what they started. we'll see, though, obviously, because this is an ongoing process, one which i do not think will ever end.
* anyway, it's 2:30am, it's late enough and i should really be back in bed...
Monday, September 13, 2010
every man needs a muse...
* i thought i had it all figured out, but the more i think about things the more i become confused. i thought i was living my life with a purpose, but it turns out i had alterior motives and i'd been sabotaging my previous relationships as a result. i thought i had school figured out, until i learned that i'm not as good at math as i used to be. i thought i knew what i was doing, but that resulted with me making three trips to the hospital on 5150 status. i thought i had a greater purpose, but i feel i have yet to truly discover it.
strangely, all of this feels a little weird to me, because it's almost as if things are supposed to happen this way. some would say i'm having an identity crisis, but if this is true, then when has it ever eneded? when have i ever truly been happy, and what happened for the change to sadness to occur in the first place?
* the point i was trying to make is that i thought i had a one true love, but it turns out i've been confused all along. she is just a friend, she says, and i can respect that completely. as it happens, i've grown to deal with disappointment much better than in the past, so having to deal with reality on such terms is much easier for me. the awkwardness is still unusual, but the idea behind the concept remains the same: this is the real world.
the real world compels me to confusion. i've always had difficulty grasping the concept of reality, because my interpretations were dependant upon internal observations running concurrently with my perspective and my inner monologue. if one part of the trifecta was off, the whole thing was off. i believed my dialogue was the key to every thing, that all i had to do was to listen for the sound of my voice and everything would sync up perfectly. the problem i ran into was when things stopped and i was depended to speak; i didnt know what to say. my attempts were met with strange responses, which only helped to ruin the game i was playing with my true love, or so i believed.
* every man has to learn to deal with it, so why am i having such a difficult time? rejection from the ultimate woman, my friends, is a dish best served between bouts of mania. somehow i believe this will all play out as it was supposed to, i just hope i dont end up in the hospital again as a result. there is just a strangeness to my everyday life right now which almost allows me to begin to speak about actions which have yet to take place. how can i be so confident? i'm endlessly feeling like i'm either catching up or falling behind, only right now every thing feels different, as if i've fallen too far behind and now i dont want to spend the energy catching up. dont you know that a confused boy always stumbles when he walks?
* i thought i had someone with whom i could grow old, but i dont. she lives halfway across the world and has surely forgotten any semblance of love which once existed. i thought it would never end, but perhaps it never truly began? it's strange, but why has it felt like i'd been living for her all along? why have i never been able to rid my self of her name? "strange", one might say, "but it seems like you're being a little obsessive, edwin." one wouldnt be far off, if it werent for the fact that i'm not obsessing. i'm merely attempting to ask a long-winded question. i though you knew; this is my typical style.
* the rub: so if i'm not supposed to end up with nadiya, because she clearly has plans for herself in the real world, and i'm certainly not supposed to end up with scarlett johansson (read previous entries, specifically those with titles revolving around my diagnosis of bi-polar) because she's married in the real world, then who the hell was i chasing through the the streets of san francisco, which resulted in the the aforementioned trips to the hospital? spiritually speaking, i was being guided, but by whom? if anyone knows, please feel free to answer me. i swear, i'm not upset and wont become upset upon learning the truth. what's my consolation prize?
again, i thought i was playing a game with my self by myself, but it turns out there was a bigger picture involved. had to be, there were too many things that happened for everything to be left up to chance, and i'm refusing to believe it was all one big coincidence, like the cops would've liked me to believe. while it is also possible that i was hallucinating, i also refuse to believe this. again, the facts speak for themselves, but i'm the only one who knows what they are, which puts me in the precarious situation of having to explain, often without the luxury of details, a made-for-tv-movie experience into minutes which simply does not do it justice. all of this is enough to make a boy want to pull out his hair, but still i persist.
what should be my motivating factor?
* if a hero, as perceived by many to be the person we all want to be successful in a story, has no use for traditional motivating factors, what does he have left? if one has no need for country, glory, fame, riches, women, etc., is one rich or has one learned to live a truly blessed life? i didnt mention god, because god can be motivating to some or destructive to others. even god deserves a place in the real world, because there is just too much that i've lived through to ever deny their existence. i mean, part of the reason why i'm writing this right now is because i felt more motivated to type than to sleep. surely, there is room to allow for the presence of a spirit to have compelled me to wake up out of my slumber to sit down to write this, or have we collectively decided to murder the concept of god?
* i'm not used to the position in which i presently find my self. it feels like i'm dragging my feet through my life because i'm upset i didnt get answers to questions i had, things which had driven me for years, but which, upon further review, were probably just fueling my madness. *shakes head* i dont know what to believe anymore, and i doubt i'll ever relive half of what i've already been through, but somethings gotta give. either i'm destined to spend the rest of my days in misery, or someday all of this will make perfect sense. i hope it's the latter, but i know more work is left to be done if that is to be the case. for example, i have to be able to recreate some of the success i had initially, otherwise this whole thing has been for naught. does this mean i have to plan my timing better, or just that i have to catch-up to real-time speeds, because i have the sneaky suspicion that i'm "playing from behind", as the sports saying goes.
either way, something's gotta give...
strangely, all of this feels a little weird to me, because it's almost as if things are supposed to happen this way. some would say i'm having an identity crisis, but if this is true, then when has it ever eneded? when have i ever truly been happy, and what happened for the change to sadness to occur in the first place?
* the point i was trying to make is that i thought i had a one true love, but it turns out i've been confused all along. she is just a friend, she says, and i can respect that completely. as it happens, i've grown to deal with disappointment much better than in the past, so having to deal with reality on such terms is much easier for me. the awkwardness is still unusual, but the idea behind the concept remains the same: this is the real world.
the real world compels me to confusion. i've always had difficulty grasping the concept of reality, because my interpretations were dependant upon internal observations running concurrently with my perspective and my inner monologue. if one part of the trifecta was off, the whole thing was off. i believed my dialogue was the key to every thing, that all i had to do was to listen for the sound of my voice and everything would sync up perfectly. the problem i ran into was when things stopped and i was depended to speak; i didnt know what to say. my attempts were met with strange responses, which only helped to ruin the game i was playing with my true love, or so i believed.
* every man has to learn to deal with it, so why am i having such a difficult time? rejection from the ultimate woman, my friends, is a dish best served between bouts of mania. somehow i believe this will all play out as it was supposed to, i just hope i dont end up in the hospital again as a result. there is just a strangeness to my everyday life right now which almost allows me to begin to speak about actions which have yet to take place. how can i be so confident? i'm endlessly feeling like i'm either catching up or falling behind, only right now every thing feels different, as if i've fallen too far behind and now i dont want to spend the energy catching up. dont you know that a confused boy always stumbles when he walks?
* i thought i had someone with whom i could grow old, but i dont. she lives halfway across the world and has surely forgotten any semblance of love which once existed. i thought it would never end, but perhaps it never truly began? it's strange, but why has it felt like i'd been living for her all along? why have i never been able to rid my self of her name? "strange", one might say, "but it seems like you're being a little obsessive, edwin." one wouldnt be far off, if it werent for the fact that i'm not obsessing. i'm merely attempting to ask a long-winded question. i though you knew; this is my typical style.
* the rub: so if i'm not supposed to end up with nadiya, because she clearly has plans for herself in the real world, and i'm certainly not supposed to end up with scarlett johansson (read previous entries, specifically those with titles revolving around my diagnosis of bi-polar) because she's married in the real world, then who the hell was i chasing through the the streets of san francisco, which resulted in the the aforementioned trips to the hospital? spiritually speaking, i was being guided, but by whom? if anyone knows, please feel free to answer me. i swear, i'm not upset and wont become upset upon learning the truth. what's my consolation prize?
again, i thought i was playing a game with my self by myself, but it turns out there was a bigger picture involved. had to be, there were too many things that happened for everything to be left up to chance, and i'm refusing to believe it was all one big coincidence, like the cops would've liked me to believe. while it is also possible that i was hallucinating, i also refuse to believe this. again, the facts speak for themselves, but i'm the only one who knows what they are, which puts me in the precarious situation of having to explain, often without the luxury of details, a made-for-tv-movie experience into minutes which simply does not do it justice. all of this is enough to make a boy want to pull out his hair, but still i persist.
what should be my motivating factor?
* if a hero, as perceived by many to be the person we all want to be successful in a story, has no use for traditional motivating factors, what does he have left? if one has no need for country, glory, fame, riches, women, etc., is one rich or has one learned to live a truly blessed life? i didnt mention god, because god can be motivating to some or destructive to others. even god deserves a place in the real world, because there is just too much that i've lived through to ever deny their existence. i mean, part of the reason why i'm writing this right now is because i felt more motivated to type than to sleep. surely, there is room to allow for the presence of a spirit to have compelled me to wake up out of my slumber to sit down to write this, or have we collectively decided to murder the concept of god?
* i'm not used to the position in which i presently find my self. it feels like i'm dragging my feet through my life because i'm upset i didnt get answers to questions i had, things which had driven me for years, but which, upon further review, were probably just fueling my madness. *shakes head* i dont know what to believe anymore, and i doubt i'll ever relive half of what i've already been through, but somethings gotta give. either i'm destined to spend the rest of my days in misery, or someday all of this will make perfect sense. i hope it's the latter, but i know more work is left to be done if that is to be the case. for example, i have to be able to recreate some of the success i had initially, otherwise this whole thing has been for naught. does this mean i have to plan my timing better, or just that i have to catch-up to real-time speeds, because i have the sneaky suspicion that i'm "playing from behind", as the sports saying goes.
either way, something's gotta give...
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