* the pills tasted bland, but they went down my throat just the same. i didnt hesitate to shove the contents of both bottles down my throat, it just felt like the thing to do. it didnt matter how i felt, i knew that soon all of it would be no more. or so i believed.
the next thing i remember is waking up puking my guts out. i heaved as hard as my body could manage in order to purge my self of said pills. what the hell had i been thinking, and why had i allowed my self to take it this far? was i seriously up to the task, or was this just a desperate cry for attention? it didnt seem to matter, because all i could do was hold my self up on all fours, gasping for air as chunks continued to fly out of me. no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt focus. it was difficult enough having caught my self in the middle of it, i didnt quite understand how i was supposed to survive. i tried to breathe but more chunks continued to fly. there was no one around, save for the tracks and the different trains which passed by me. surely, someone would have been alerted to my presence beside the tracks?
i laid back down and attempted to breathe clearly as i stared up at the stars. they definitely felt welcoming, but to a silly man like my self that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. at the moment, i was having a hard time thinking straight, since the effects of 64 sleeping pills had begun to make me woozy and delirious. i knew there was no way i could ever explain this to anyone without seeming like the bad guy, so i wasnt even going to try. i figured that since i was unsuccessful in my attempt, i was better off telling my self that i had never tried it to begin with. of course, the lingering effects would last for the better part of 2 days and they would make it nearly impossible for me to leave my house. i say "nearly" because somehow i managed to leave my house to visit my nigga dave.
* he could tell something was amiss from the moment i walked up the stairs and into his living room. i gave him the brief version of what had transpired and he warned me that since i had tried once before, i would probably try again. somehow, the thought didnt seem as appealing when he mentioned it as when i had thought of it on my own. not to say that it continues to seem appealing, but i've definitely had some conversations with my self to talk my self away from such stupid choices. let's just say that i was feeling frisky/ballsy and decided to make a choice which ultimately did not have the intended consequences i had desired, leaving me with more questions to answer from people who seem more interested in my well being than care to demonstrate with actions.
i feel as alone as i ever have, but somehow i have found a reason (as minute as it may seem) to delay the inevitable. at least, i feel like leaving it in the hands of life as opposed to taking matters into my own hands. i realize now the choice i made a few nights ago was a hasty one and that i must fight to live on in this life if i am ever to see the success i envision for my self. sure, it may seem like one extreme to another, but in this life all i have left is to dream. i figure that if i'm going to dream, i may as well dream big. at least, until those dark and dreary thoughts come back and i feel like i can't fight them off on my own. who will i call for assistance when the darkness overwhelms me again? that's a rhetorical question, since i've never relied on anyone to get me out of my darkest funks.
in the end, i imagine it will be me and whatever creative way i decide to end things. no more, no less. there will be no need for tears, because it will be the ending i desire; of this much i am certain. the question remains as to "when?" when will things seem perfect enough for me to bid farewell to? when will i throw in the proverbial towel and call it quits? when will my disillusioned self finally cave in to the pressures of life? hopefully, not anytime soon.
i've tried to remind my self these past couple of days that the end i was seeking is not for me, that i have plenty more to live for, even if it is difficult for me to imagine any happiness. i dont know how i ended up in such a sad and helpless state, but i am committed to seeing my self to a better level. there is just no other way. if i managed to save myself unexpectedly by sitting up as i was beginning to heave my guts, then it must've been on purpose. i didnt spend a whole day out in the sun woozy and delirious, trying to find my legs beneath me, only to try such stupid acts again. i told my self that if i managed to survive it would be the last time i did what i did. certainly, there's no reason for me to try again.
* telling my closest friends and family was difficult enough, but i'm still here. that's the part i must remember. i wasnt successful, which means that i still have a chance at realizing my wildest dreams. all that's needed is a better gameplan and a lot more patience, but i have the firm belief that things will eventually turn for the better. what else am i supposed to tell my self as i suffer quietly through this dark period? no, i'm not asking anyone who is reading this for help, i'm simply informing you of what i've been dealing with the past couple of days. i dont expect anyone to talk any sense into me, regardless of how much i respect you. this is a battle i have to win on my own, and i'm confident that i am capable of winning it.
it still is not easy to digest the details of that night, but the facts are the facts. i wasted money unnecessarily attempting to bring to an end a life that many have fought to keep alive. it was so foolish of me to believe that ending it so abruptly was the answer to everything. i understand now, more than ever, that it was hasty thinking on my part which led me to that conclusion. at least now i have the experience itself to remind me that i do not wish to repeat it. perhaps i do not have a completely vested interest in this existence, but i'm confident that i will find my calling if i just stay out of trouble. everything i've put my self through has been with a purpose and this experience is no different.
* i remember the last time i came that close to death it was with my dear friend badru, back in high school. he had made the choice to end his life and all i, or anyone else, could do was to assist him. sure, it didnt seem like the "right" thing to do, but what else could you say to someone who was convinced that ending it was the way to go? i never thought that i'd have a turn in that role, and having lived through it, i dont wish those feelings upon anyone.
i only share these details now with you all because pretending they never happened would be disingenuous. i dont expect any of you to understand how i was feeling, but if you do, thank you. loneliness to that degree should never be experienced by anyone, and i'm a better person for having suffered, and lived, through all of it. i know now that i intend to live the rest of my life with a purpose, and that it will take me time to deliver on the promises i have made to my self. i WILL do something with my life that is worthwhile. i WILL become something more than i presently am. i WILL live to die of natural causes, or die by any other means life deems fit for me. just, not at my own hands. that experiment is over and i'm glad i get to live to tell about it.
* there are so many more thoughts and feelings i wish to share, but for now this will be all. i've got plenty to think about in the following days, i just hope a job follows shortly to help distract me from thinking too much. earning a paycheck is a pleasure i have missed for far too long, hopefully soon that will change...
edwin
the next thing i remember is waking up puking my guts out. i heaved as hard as my body could manage in order to purge my self of said pills. what the hell had i been thinking, and why had i allowed my self to take it this far? was i seriously up to the task, or was this just a desperate cry for attention? it didnt seem to matter, because all i could do was hold my self up on all fours, gasping for air as chunks continued to fly out of me. no matter how hard i tried, i couldnt focus. it was difficult enough having caught my self in the middle of it, i didnt quite understand how i was supposed to survive. i tried to breathe but more chunks continued to fly. there was no one around, save for the tracks and the different trains which passed by me. surely, someone would have been alerted to my presence beside the tracks?
i laid back down and attempted to breathe clearly as i stared up at the stars. they definitely felt welcoming, but to a silly man like my self that could be interpreted in a variety of ways. at the moment, i was having a hard time thinking straight, since the effects of 64 sleeping pills had begun to make me woozy and delirious. i knew there was no way i could ever explain this to anyone without seeming like the bad guy, so i wasnt even going to try. i figured that since i was unsuccessful in my attempt, i was better off telling my self that i had never tried it to begin with. of course, the lingering effects would last for the better part of 2 days and they would make it nearly impossible for me to leave my house. i say "nearly" because somehow i managed to leave my house to visit my nigga dave.
* he could tell something was amiss from the moment i walked up the stairs and into his living room. i gave him the brief version of what had transpired and he warned me that since i had tried once before, i would probably try again. somehow, the thought didnt seem as appealing when he mentioned it as when i had thought of it on my own. not to say that it continues to seem appealing, but i've definitely had some conversations with my self to talk my self away from such stupid choices. let's just say that i was feeling frisky/ballsy and decided to make a choice which ultimately did not have the intended consequences i had desired, leaving me with more questions to answer from people who seem more interested in my well being than care to demonstrate with actions.
i feel as alone as i ever have, but somehow i have found a reason (as minute as it may seem) to delay the inevitable. at least, i feel like leaving it in the hands of life as opposed to taking matters into my own hands. i realize now the choice i made a few nights ago was a hasty one and that i must fight to live on in this life if i am ever to see the success i envision for my self. sure, it may seem like one extreme to another, but in this life all i have left is to dream. i figure that if i'm going to dream, i may as well dream big. at least, until those dark and dreary thoughts come back and i feel like i can't fight them off on my own. who will i call for assistance when the darkness overwhelms me again? that's a rhetorical question, since i've never relied on anyone to get me out of my darkest funks.
in the end, i imagine it will be me and whatever creative way i decide to end things. no more, no less. there will be no need for tears, because it will be the ending i desire; of this much i am certain. the question remains as to "when?" when will things seem perfect enough for me to bid farewell to? when will i throw in the proverbial towel and call it quits? when will my disillusioned self finally cave in to the pressures of life? hopefully, not anytime soon.
i've tried to remind my self these past couple of days that the end i was seeking is not for me, that i have plenty more to live for, even if it is difficult for me to imagine any happiness. i dont know how i ended up in such a sad and helpless state, but i am committed to seeing my self to a better level. there is just no other way. if i managed to save myself unexpectedly by sitting up as i was beginning to heave my guts, then it must've been on purpose. i didnt spend a whole day out in the sun woozy and delirious, trying to find my legs beneath me, only to try such stupid acts again. i told my self that if i managed to survive it would be the last time i did what i did. certainly, there's no reason for me to try again.
* telling my closest friends and family was difficult enough, but i'm still here. that's the part i must remember. i wasnt successful, which means that i still have a chance at realizing my wildest dreams. all that's needed is a better gameplan and a lot more patience, but i have the firm belief that things will eventually turn for the better. what else am i supposed to tell my self as i suffer quietly through this dark period? no, i'm not asking anyone who is reading this for help, i'm simply informing you of what i've been dealing with the past couple of days. i dont expect anyone to talk any sense into me, regardless of how much i respect you. this is a battle i have to win on my own, and i'm confident that i am capable of winning it.
it still is not easy to digest the details of that night, but the facts are the facts. i wasted money unnecessarily attempting to bring to an end a life that many have fought to keep alive. it was so foolish of me to believe that ending it so abruptly was the answer to everything. i understand now, more than ever, that it was hasty thinking on my part which led me to that conclusion. at least now i have the experience itself to remind me that i do not wish to repeat it. perhaps i do not have a completely vested interest in this existence, but i'm confident that i will find my calling if i just stay out of trouble. everything i've put my self through has been with a purpose and this experience is no different.
* i remember the last time i came that close to death it was with my dear friend badru, back in high school. he had made the choice to end his life and all i, or anyone else, could do was to assist him. sure, it didnt seem like the "right" thing to do, but what else could you say to someone who was convinced that ending it was the way to go? i never thought that i'd have a turn in that role, and having lived through it, i dont wish those feelings upon anyone.
i only share these details now with you all because pretending they never happened would be disingenuous. i dont expect any of you to understand how i was feeling, but if you do, thank you. loneliness to that degree should never be experienced by anyone, and i'm a better person for having suffered, and lived, through all of it. i know now that i intend to live the rest of my life with a purpose, and that it will take me time to deliver on the promises i have made to my self. i WILL do something with my life that is worthwhile. i WILL become something more than i presently am. i WILL live to die of natural causes, or die by any other means life deems fit for me. just, not at my own hands. that experiment is over and i'm glad i get to live to tell about it.
* there are so many more thoughts and feelings i wish to share, but for now this will be all. i've got plenty to think about in the following days, i just hope a job follows shortly to help distract me from thinking too much. earning a paycheck is a pleasure i have missed for far too long, hopefully soon that will change...
edwin
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