|\...the day i met my first future wife.../|

|\...was the 1st of september

her name is flor and she has made me the happiest man in the world today.

 so, today she came to visit me at my house in el salvador and we made love for the first time and my mom was in the house. GANGSTA!!! ha ha ha, she was dripping wet like it was honey pouring out of her. i teased her by licking her pussy a little before we eventually ended up on the bed with me on bottom. we were both in such a rush neither of us took our shoes off. SEXY TIME!!!

*  that's all i'm going to say because my girlfriend flor's life is in turmoil right now and i dont want to add to it. i make that distinction because i have my girlfriend caroline at home in the states going through her own shit. i can now say i have 2 girlfriends and they both know about each other. apparently prayers DO get answered, ha ha ha. good thing i pray to my saints all the time.

* i had more i was going to write on the subject but i ended up distracted and am getting to this post at 6am pacific on the 2nd of september, which means i'm still happy as fuck. i hadnt fucked since october of 2012 and that was with an unimpressive 53 year old. this fuck was with a 27 year old MILF who wants to help me start a family. at least both women were satisfied with my performance, but that comes standard when you're above average (8", baby!!!), ha ha ha.

* now comes the heavy lifting because from now on i have to manage both women and keep them both happy as only i know how to do, but at least neither woman is going to give me grief. i hope caroline can work through her shit enough to help me have a baby someday, but i'm willing to have patience with her because she's worth. i'll never forget how she helped me get through that panic attack back at john muir, ha ha ha, she won my heart that day.

* i keep sleeping a maximum of 6hrs. does that mean that that's what my body needs? stupid american doctors want to prescribe 8hrs as if god himself told them that that's what everybody needs. i'm becoing increasingly upset with american medicine, but i cant quit them cold turkey for fear that my condition will lead me back to getting locked up. i'd rather take their meds and work with them to arrange my regimen, but i'm not giving them the pleasure of running my life. dr saul zelan is good, but he's not the best doctor since most of those arent american.

* this post is long enough, i'm going to go back to surfing the web, ha ha ha...

edwin the penguin

|\...back in el salvador.../|

|\...yeah, baby, i'm back in my native land and i'm living it up like a boss. well, not exactly like a rich person, but rich enough that the TRULY poor people here would be supremely jealous of me if they didnt know i was a nice and decent guy.

* that being said, i have little expectations for the trip, so i can be pleasantly surprised when things begin to happen, or when i'm invited to go out. hopefully, i'll get to see my much older brother marco antonio renderos jr on this trip. he's slowly becoming a part of my life and i'd like to solidify our relationship after a lifetime of being apart.

  funny how life is, right? one minute one's sad and lonely getting locked up in hospitals for the dumbest things and the next one is jet-settng across the globe back home to see the family. i love my life because of the random things that happen, but some of things that are planned are just as nice.

* it must be mentioned that i recently met fred "martian" green and he's been a godsend to my life. poor guy, i wish i could afford to help him get his teeth fixed, but he's doing fine without my help. he's a gentle soul who takes care of me and enjoys my company, what more could i ask for. hopefully, he and i will be able to have a lot of fun before the end of the year. i have a feeling this is not the last that i will write about him, and that makes me excited for our friendship.

*  being here in el salvador always brings tears to my eyes, because i love it here so much and because this is my home. i get more respect here than in the states and people are MUCH nicer to me. i know that if i was dying of hunger, i could get a free meal out here easier than in the states.

  it is this difference that drives me to do something with my life that will allow me to retire here. i want to work hard as a stand-up comedian to retire my mom and to save enough money to retire here in style. i want to take care of the little kids who have one or no parents to support them, and i want to take care of my large family, too. there is so much i want to do, but i must remain patient if i'm going to do things right.

* not much to report right now, since i got in yesterday and had a pretty uneventful day, but all-in-all i'm super excited to be home. it is always nice to be here amongst my people, even if some of them think i'm an "american" because i've spent most of my life living in the states. doesnt matter to me, since those people are fewer than those supporting me for coming back home.

  i wonder now how much pain people feel who are never able to come back home. i spent 14 years of my life wanting to come back and i cried like a baby the last time i was here in december of '12, i cant imagine how much a longer absence must hurt. i spent 15 years trying to taste my favorite fruit, annona, and now my small dream has been satisfied. i now have all the annonas i could ever want to eat, and that's thanks to my amazing friens and family here in el salvador.

* today we will go visit tia juana and then we'll come back home to hang out with friends. who knows what the next 2 weeks will bring, but i'm open to any and all possibilities.

  i have to imagine that i'm NOT expecting to meet a nice woman down here so it can happen already. i want to have another texting buddy, like my friend flor zavaleta on facebook, but it must happen naturally and organically. if i dont learn how to let love come to me, i'm afraid it never will. we'll see how time treats me and i'll update this space accordingly.

* time to do other things, but thanks for reading...

edwin the penguin

my penguin tattoo represents my 30 years of age...

|\... wow, it's been WAY TO LONG since i last wrote a blog i damn near forgot how to write one according to the format i'd created along the way.

* below is the photo of my beloved penguin tattoo one week after i got it inked on my arm. it represents a lot of pain and anguish i felt over the loss of my beloved unborn son in the miscarriage almost 10 years ago.

  my how time has changed.

  i'm such an adult now it's quite embarrassing. my habits have changed tremendously and i'm quite proud over the way i've developed in the past decade, i must say the years have been good to me, with the bipolar bullshit being an exception to everything.

*  in a way, if it hadnt been for the bipolar bullshit i've been through, and which now governs my life, i dont think i would've ever found the peace and serenity i presently have in my life.

  i smoke more cannabis now than i ever did in the past and my simple budget allows for me to have all the fun i desire. if i can learn to practice a little more restraint, i'll be in an even better situation in order to control the random panic attacks which have been bothering me the past couple of months. there is no rhyme of reason as to why they kick in and i dont think i'll ever figure out exactly why they happen, but i at least have an idea of what certain triggers affect me.

  needless to say, i'm going to have to endure at least one more heavy panic attack before things are going to be 100%. it's just the name of the game. either way, i'm going to find a way, and i have the necessary support system in order to succeed.

* i'm going to el salvador in 10 days and i'm happy that i feel more in control of my self now than ever before. like i said, if it wasnt for the bipolar bullshit i've endured, none of the wonderful things happening to me right now would never have happened. god bless me for being so fortunate to have such a supportive family.

  things might not be 100%, but i can report that they're pretty damned close. i think that my mom has suffered enough with having to endure seeing me locked up in hospital after hospital that she realized that she was partially to blame. my mom is such a proud woman that i think she figured out she had to be a little more humble whenever she deals with me.

  see, i'm a VERY simple man. so simple that people often mistake my simplicity for stupidity, until they start talking to me and realize that i'm underselling my self. that's always been me, undersell your self all the way in order to provide better bang for your buck. nobody wants to be upsold, i've been in the business too long. you cant brainwash people to believe you're something better than you really are. your quality of person will demonstrate to anybody dealing with you whether or not you're talking to. thus, i'm constantly being misunderstood, but i dont mind, it's become a natural thing for me to have to explain my self and my intentions, which are always honest.

* things are progressing nicely with flor in el salvador. i had to put her on time out for quite some time in order to show her that i mean business, damn it! i'm not one to be romanced from afar with empty promises and flowery words. i prefer actions to words, and i prefer honesty above all else. sure, she would gain more from me spending more time with her, but i'm not above working for a blow-job, ha ha ha. i want to have a good time and i want to give women a chance who demonstrate to me that they are worth my time. it's not complicated, women, men have a pretty good idea as to who is in control and why.

  not to say that men are the end all of the world, but we kind of run shit, so we have that working for us, ha ha ha.

* i think i've written enough for my first post in quite some time. i cant believe i have nearly 3000 pageviews...

|\...final days in el salvador.../|

|\...so i thought i'd drop some thoughts...

* i've had a helluva time here in el salvador, but i'm spending my final days essentially cooped up since i dont have the benefit of a vehicle, like when my parents were around. at least they left me some money so i can try and go out and see some sights. however, knowing my self, i'm going to save said cash for until i get back. i got my own plans for when i get back.


  which brings me to my ONLY complaint: my mom. she babies me like i'm still a toddler and it absolutely KILLS me. people notice it and dont say anything until they catch me complaining about it. i know that many others wish they had a mother to care for them, but my mom takes things WAY over the line. it's like she wants to force me into being an angel, which is something i'm not. if i decide i want to do things, like smoke cannabis, then it's MY decision, not hers. also, she's constantly trying to tell me how to spend my money, which is a BIG no-no in my book, since i dont get involved in their finances. then, to boot, she sends me an indirect shot that they might want a loan from me since they know i'm getting part of my retirement early. psh! not without percentage points, baby. i've learned to NEVER mix family and money for ANY reason without getting it in writing.

* other than that, i'm having the time of my life, but i'm ready to go home. next time, i'm either hiring a driver, or i'm going to risk it and learn to drive like they do here in el salvador (crazy people EVERYWHERE). i'm not coming back for any serious amount of time without having a reliable set of wheels, it's just too mind-numbing to be cooped up all day.

* i was very glad how things turned out on this trip. i'm scheduled to go to the cemetery to visit my favoritest aunt of all time, who died back in '98, with her daughter and my niece. that's the last thing i have left to do, since my mom got all crazy and forgot that i wanted to visit my aunt on saturday, when we still had access to a vehicle. it should be emotional, but i know i can handle it. i miss my auntie gloria every day of my life, because she loved me so much and would've LOVED to see me as a grown adult.

  at least i have a photo of her i can cherish and memories which will last me a lifetime.

* i dont feel like writing a lot, so i'm going to cut this entry short, but just know that i WILL be coming back to my beloved el salvador later this year, hopefully in time for my birfday, august 1st.

 i met a girl i like, but i'm not in love with her, which is good, since we hardly know each other. we spent such little time getting to know each other, but we know there IS chemistry between us. unfortunately, we never got to delve into the deeper issues i usually love to discuss.

 and for some damn reason i've been sweating up a storm in this damn humidity, which is both nice and  refreshing, since i enjoy sweating, ha ha ha. but this has nothing to do with the above paragraph.

* anyway, toodles,

edwin the penguin...