for those who dont know: my birfday (yes, i say birfday, not birthday) is august 1st. this means that beginning tomorrow the "official" countdown to my birfday begins. i get a whole month to figure out who i want to take to the ballgame that day versus the dodgers. i may even put up a call out on facebook to have someone help.
the month of june wasnt particularly bad, and i'm happy to report i'm closer to achieving my goal of getting my cell phone back, especially since i have now accomplished getting my car back on the road. for all of the strange things that have happened to me these past couple of months, i'm glad that i've slowly mananged to put all of the pieces back together. once i get my phone back i can begin looking for a job, or at least i can begin texting friends and calling up acquaintances to better my relationships with them. in any case, i've got some good things to look forward to in the upcoming months.
i made the decision that i will be going back to school in the fall, in spite of how poorly this past semester went, due to the nonsense of chasing "scarlett johansson" and my confusion over ESP and everything. in truth, i need to focus on my self, and after certain revelations and discoveries, i'm excited to finally be placing my self at the top of the totem pole. i think that in my search for greater answers i forgot that simply being my self and loving my self was the most important thing. not that i was trying to change my self for someone else, but more like i was hoping for an escape that was never there. and if it ever was, it seems to have disappeared.
but that's now all behind me. i want to have the basic things i miss, and soon i will have them. since i'm officially registered for classes i will be getting 25% of my overall financial aid before my birfday and the rest will be given to me during the month of september, if i'm not mistaken. either way, it's some money in my pocket which i can look forward to.
i also got recent news that an old friend will be moving back to our beloved city, which means i'll have another playmate with whom to get into good kinds of trouble. you've got to love how social networking sites now make it possible for us to remain in touch with old friends from all levels of education we have completed and attended. i'm just happy old friends remember me and wish to continue to keep me in their network, even if it's just an online network. truth be told, i enjoy not socializing too much right now, but i will look forward to being able to go out again, especially in order to meet new friends.
i dont have much to share, but i've been contemplating a lot of things and enjoying the mental progress i've been making these past few weeks. things are going better with my folks and even though they're not perfect, i'm happy, which is what matters most. the main thing i'm happy is that i'm feeling more and more like my "old" self under my current medication, which is something that is of absolute importance to me. i want to feel goofy. i want to feel funny. i want to feel like the outgoing kid that i've always been.
i think a part of my depression and sadness i've been feeling has been due to a lack of a true social life, and once i get my cell phone replaced next week things should get better. i'll be able to communicate with friends and stay in the social loop which i've fallen out of these past couple of weeks. not to mention, i'll have a certain sense of liberty which comes with having mobile access to others 24hrs a day. i think once i am back in school i will be completely happy because i'll at least have the opportunity to make new friends, and i'll also be able to maintain some of the old friendships i've established.
anyway...that's about all i care to share for the evening. it's time for bed since it's already getting late and i dont want to sleep too much tomorrow...
edwin
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
in one big puff of smoke...
it's been tough lately, friends.
some days i wake up and i'm fully of spunk, but lately, since i've been consistently taking my meds, i've been waking up drowsy and now i've got allergies to deal with. ugh.
something's gotta give. i'm trying to handle my busines with regards to finances in order to find the assistance i require so that i can survive the way i feel deserve. it hasnt been easy. i have to admit this was not the way i envisioned the year going when it began. a part of me is beginning to think that perhaps i have greater mental health issues than have been diagnosed, but that sounds like doubt creeping in, so i dont know what to believe. suffice it to say i know that i'm crazy, but i am only now beginning to realize that i might be crazier than i ever imagined.
i'll admit that being without marijuana has definitely been affecting my moods, but i think it has more to do with the stress and anxiety i'm normally under, like everyone else. i'm not used to living in a sedated mindset. the prescribed medication is making me feel like i'm a zombie again, so i have to consult my doctor, or therapist at least, so that we can determine if i must continue to take them, and if so for how long? it's not enough to simply be taking the meds, they have to be right.
even attempting to write at the moment, i feel like i'm not able to enjoy such a basic action or thought. the anxiety kicks in and i'm left to ponder why i began to write at all; it's killing me slowly. perhaps i should simply discontinue writing this post and focus my energies into going to bed. so much yawning cannot possibly be helping me right now.
tomorrow we will get things done, like having the cops sign off on my fix-it ticket so i can go to the city to get it taken care of. i'd also like to apply for general assistance and speak with social security to see if i qualify for disability payments for my recently diagnosed condition. in any case, i have to find a way to generate income, because going back to work with my parnents under present circumstances is liable to throw me into the loony bin again. such unhappiness is intolerable, and it begins in the depths of my heart, the likes a "broken heart" could never match. i cant quite pinpoint just how sad i feel right now, and have felt for some time, but it's a paralyzing type of sadness. it renders me unable to think; certainly a humble philosopher could suffer no worse an illness.
yeah, it's time for bed now, my friends... *yawn*
edwin
some days i wake up and i'm fully of spunk, but lately, since i've been consistently taking my meds, i've been waking up drowsy and now i've got allergies to deal with. ugh.
something's gotta give. i'm trying to handle my busines with regards to finances in order to find the assistance i require so that i can survive the way i feel deserve. it hasnt been easy. i have to admit this was not the way i envisioned the year going when it began. a part of me is beginning to think that perhaps i have greater mental health issues than have been diagnosed, but that sounds like doubt creeping in, so i dont know what to believe. suffice it to say i know that i'm crazy, but i am only now beginning to realize that i might be crazier than i ever imagined.
i'll admit that being without marijuana has definitely been affecting my moods, but i think it has more to do with the stress and anxiety i'm normally under, like everyone else. i'm not used to living in a sedated mindset. the prescribed medication is making me feel like i'm a zombie again, so i have to consult my doctor, or therapist at least, so that we can determine if i must continue to take them, and if so for how long? it's not enough to simply be taking the meds, they have to be right.
even attempting to write at the moment, i feel like i'm not able to enjoy such a basic action or thought. the anxiety kicks in and i'm left to ponder why i began to write at all; it's killing me slowly. perhaps i should simply discontinue writing this post and focus my energies into going to bed. so much yawning cannot possibly be helping me right now.
tomorrow we will get things done, like having the cops sign off on my fix-it ticket so i can go to the city to get it taken care of. i'd also like to apply for general assistance and speak with social security to see if i qualify for disability payments for my recently diagnosed condition. in any case, i have to find a way to generate income, because going back to work with my parnents under present circumstances is liable to throw me into the loony bin again. such unhappiness is intolerable, and it begins in the depths of my heart, the likes a "broken heart" could never match. i cant quite pinpoint just how sad i feel right now, and have felt for some time, but it's a paralyzing type of sadness. it renders me unable to think; certainly a humble philosopher could suffer no worse an illness.
yeah, it's time for bed now, my friends... *yawn*
edwin
Saturday, June 5, 2010
asking the right questions to figure things out makes me happy...
this will be a quick entry, but should be in a much better mood than the last...
so, i'm beginning to figure out some of the details behind this sordid adventure known simply as "mission scarlett johansson".
first: i've been admitted into hospitals under the guise of "mental illness" because 1) it fits 2) it provides me a safe haven to "meet" said celebrity, since assuming i play my cards right i'll appear to be so crazy for her the doctors will have no other choice but to let me believe my delusion until she physically manifests herself.
second: the police and EMT are so well versed with my being that they practically treat me like a celebrity. the problem is i keep changing my story from asking for scarlett johansson at the door step of a certain address to asking for nadiya kravets (an actual real life friend, mind you, i'm entirely bonkers) when i'm in the hospital. and here's the funny part: there are two nadiya kravets' listed in the phone book, but why wouldnt i simply ask nadiya for her phone number facebook? because i'm a coward, and because i've already contacted her and she said she'd give me a buzz the next time she was in town.
this basically makes the mission easier. if, when i go to said address and ask for scarlett johansson i am met by police members who treat me exceptionally well, and am subsequently treated by EMT's who treat me exceptionally well, the missing piece of the puzzle is for me to have medi-cal so that none of this ends up costing me a dime. why someone would go through elaborate steps in order to have me meet them (a psychic delusion for skeptics, but a real life adventure to me) is beyond me, but i have to admit: now that i figured out what an "ED visit" to the hospital means, i realize i've been playing a game all along and didnt even know it.
so, to recap: the past couple of months have been admittedly difficult and the only reason things havent been resolved sooner is because i refused to do my "homework" after each individual hospital visit, which has only caused my family grief, which they in turn have passed on to me. the part i dont understand is why i always end up without my cell phone and wallet when i get out of the hospital. if i need identification to be admitted into a hospital, why wouldnt said identification be returned to me upon completion of my hospital stay in 5150, another medical term i had to research in order to discover further secrets behind this tale.
crazy all around, if you ask me, but i could SWEAR scarlett was in the hospital with me on one of the stays. they had set up different security officers during one of my hospital stays and i never even had the nerve to ask why? they kept a strange eye on my room at all times, too, which begged the question i simply refused to ask. how come i could hear the voice of the one celebrity i'm crazy (a relative term in this equation) for but i never got to see her? once i also SWEAR she was in the hall and i walked right past her with my eyes to the ground to kind of prove a point. i guess, looking back on it, i was being stupid the entire time. i thought i was playing it low-key and she probably thought i was mad at her, because i refused to acknowledge her presence. i can understand why that mistake would be made, but let me clarify: i am not mad about any of the things which have happened, i'm simply frustrated by my inability to solve this puzzle until now.
this makes my next couple of weeks much easier to manage. i've got the world cup to entertain me, a birfday quickly approaching (August 1st) and absolutely all of the time in the world to figure out what to do in between. of course, my main thing is to go back to the address once i am able to, and then to figure things out with the police if they arrive again. i am better prepared to deal with them this time around, because ever since the second or third visit, they've kind of gotten that i'm slightly afraid of them for consistently appearing out of the blue (no pun intended). it's to the point that when they show up they're asking me questions that are rhetorical and i've yet to figure out the answers. all i can conclude is that scarlett johansson is the BIGGEST prankster ever and this is the longest episode of "Punk'd" ever. as if she's testing my might to see just how badly i want to meet her.
well, imagine if you were in my shoes, as crazy as the following description may sound: 1) you love smoking weed and it somehow unlocks certain ESP powers you never knew you possessed 2) you suddenly discover, via psychic means that a certain celebrity might be crazy in love with you and you believe this (totally a movie script, which i could turn into millions, but it gets better) 3) you decide for your self that you are going to see said mission through until the very end 4) each time you try and make progress you end up having to deal with the cops and then go to the hospital 5) each time said cops and medical personnel begin to treat you much nicer as if they're in on something you have no clue about (at least this is your perception, some would call this a manic episode or a delusion, but that's part of your bi-polar diagnosis so it's okay) 6) after ruminating on EVERY THING that has happened to you since the end of march until now you FINALLY discover that this is all a game... wouldnt you continue one said mission?
i'm telling you all that i will eventually be vindicated. hell, having just today discovered what an ED (emergency department) visit means, i'm like a million times happier. as in, i know i can act a fool once i get my medi-cal card, because i have every right to, and once i get it i'll explain to my family the purpose of my condition: to meet scarlett johansson.
of course, the job of the cops is to tell me she doesnt live where i presume she lives. the point of the medical technicians is to get me to a safe haven, and the point of the doctors is to treat me like i'm crazy until i stand up for my rights and demand that i be treated respectfully, because those are my rights, goddamnit. there's a game that's happening and i'm not playing by the rules.
people, i have seen subliminal messaging and it exists. i'm CRAZY! ha ha ha, it has never felt so good to write such words. i've jokingly said them out loud, but it's the absolute truth. now i get it. i'm so crazy for scarlett johansson that i accidentally stumbled upon her secret means of communicating: the psychic means. and i can thank the undying love i've always felt for my friend nadiya kravets for all of this. she basically told me she's not in love with me but that she loves me. it made me laugh to read. at the same time, i dont understand why she doesnt write me more? i mean, i write way too much, and i've been leaving her alone because she says she's been "busy" and whatnot, so you can't blame me for not trying, she's asking me to keep my correspondences short and i'm too scared to tell her directly what i've been working on.
i think it's best that i keep this whole thing to my self as i'm learning i should. there's a method to my madness i'm only now discovering. basically, stay patient and cover my p's and q's, then act when i'm able to, but act with a purpose. this means i'll have to delay further visits to the address until i decide i know who to ask for, or until i have my medi-cal card and i'm officially covered for any and all hospital visits. the problem is that i shut down when i'm "in the moment" but that's now easily remedied, because, as i've now covered, i'm in on the game.
so, game on, i say, and we'll see who gets the last laugh. it also provides me with the necessary motivation to rectify the problem of having gained 20 pounds while in the hospital for the second time. of course, if the clues i've received have been any indication, my weight gain has translated nicely on to my frame. let's just say someone reminded me that my personality and manner of being are sexy enough, without giving away the entire story. no sex was involved, mind you we were stuck in the hospital together, but she did every thing to reassure me that i was on the right path and that she was going to try and help me when the time is right.
i now get what i have to do. i have to explain things to my family so they are able to help me acheive my happiness. i have to play by their rules in order to obtain said help. i have to be a "good boy" if you will. of all these things, i am capable. it energizes me to figure out that all along i've been unaware of this game, but i am committed to winning it, because i play for keeps.
i told my self i was fully committed to seeing this thing through, and by god, it will happen. i'm feeling better than ever, my friends, we can say the prodigal son has returned! woo-hoo, this is going to be a fun next couple of weeks, now that i understand the purpose behind what happened to me and the greater purpose of what i must now do moving forward in order to finally meet my beloved scarlett johansson.
as the saying goes, he who laughs last laughs best, and i've been storing up weeks worth of laughter so that when things finally get cleared up and i'm vindicated, i will be laughing for the rest of my days. i've always dreamed on the biggest scale and figuring out the small details behind the story of my life the past couple of months only makes me further believe the dreams which stem from the wildest parts of my imagination. marriage, babies, and growing up? sure, i'll take all of them once the time is right and the right person comes along into my life. who knows when i'll finally have the right arrangement to meet her, but it will happen, my friends, and when it finally does, i'll be happy.
of course, as a back-up, let's assume that i never meet her, then i'm perfectly happy knowing i'm smart enough on my own to go to school and make something of my self. i am perfectly capable of obtaining a degree in civil engineering and pursuing my wildest personal dreams and ambitions as i've always intended. so there is a plan A = crazy nonsense, but true and a plan B = go to school and be somebody (rational). i can live with either option, now that my mindset is getting better.
thanks for reading!
edwin
so, i'm beginning to figure out some of the details behind this sordid adventure known simply as "mission scarlett johansson".
first: i've been admitted into hospitals under the guise of "mental illness" because 1) it fits 2) it provides me a safe haven to "meet" said celebrity, since assuming i play my cards right i'll appear to be so crazy for her the doctors will have no other choice but to let me believe my delusion until she physically manifests herself.
second: the police and EMT are so well versed with my being that they practically treat me like a celebrity. the problem is i keep changing my story from asking for scarlett johansson at the door step of a certain address to asking for nadiya kravets (an actual real life friend, mind you, i'm entirely bonkers) when i'm in the hospital. and here's the funny part: there are two nadiya kravets' listed in the phone book, but why wouldnt i simply ask nadiya for her phone number facebook? because i'm a coward, and because i've already contacted her and she said she'd give me a buzz the next time she was in town.
this basically makes the mission easier. if, when i go to said address and ask for scarlett johansson i am met by police members who treat me exceptionally well, and am subsequently treated by EMT's who treat me exceptionally well, the missing piece of the puzzle is for me to have medi-cal so that none of this ends up costing me a dime. why someone would go through elaborate steps in order to have me meet them (a psychic delusion for skeptics, but a real life adventure to me) is beyond me, but i have to admit: now that i figured out what an "ED visit" to the hospital means, i realize i've been playing a game all along and didnt even know it.
so, to recap: the past couple of months have been admittedly difficult and the only reason things havent been resolved sooner is because i refused to do my "homework" after each individual hospital visit, which has only caused my family grief, which they in turn have passed on to me. the part i dont understand is why i always end up without my cell phone and wallet when i get out of the hospital. if i need identification to be admitted into a hospital, why wouldnt said identification be returned to me upon completion of my hospital stay in 5150, another medical term i had to research in order to discover further secrets behind this tale.
crazy all around, if you ask me, but i could SWEAR scarlett was in the hospital with me on one of the stays. they had set up different security officers during one of my hospital stays and i never even had the nerve to ask why? they kept a strange eye on my room at all times, too, which begged the question i simply refused to ask. how come i could hear the voice of the one celebrity i'm crazy (a relative term in this equation) for but i never got to see her? once i also SWEAR she was in the hall and i walked right past her with my eyes to the ground to kind of prove a point. i guess, looking back on it, i was being stupid the entire time. i thought i was playing it low-key and she probably thought i was mad at her, because i refused to acknowledge her presence. i can understand why that mistake would be made, but let me clarify: i am not mad about any of the things which have happened, i'm simply frustrated by my inability to solve this puzzle until now.
this makes my next couple of weeks much easier to manage. i've got the world cup to entertain me, a birfday quickly approaching (August 1st) and absolutely all of the time in the world to figure out what to do in between. of course, my main thing is to go back to the address once i am able to, and then to figure things out with the police if they arrive again. i am better prepared to deal with them this time around, because ever since the second or third visit, they've kind of gotten that i'm slightly afraid of them for consistently appearing out of the blue (no pun intended). it's to the point that when they show up they're asking me questions that are rhetorical and i've yet to figure out the answers. all i can conclude is that scarlett johansson is the BIGGEST prankster ever and this is the longest episode of "Punk'd" ever. as if she's testing my might to see just how badly i want to meet her.
well, imagine if you were in my shoes, as crazy as the following description may sound: 1) you love smoking weed and it somehow unlocks certain ESP powers you never knew you possessed 2) you suddenly discover, via psychic means that a certain celebrity might be crazy in love with you and you believe this (totally a movie script, which i could turn into millions, but it gets better) 3) you decide for your self that you are going to see said mission through until the very end 4) each time you try and make progress you end up having to deal with the cops and then go to the hospital 5) each time said cops and medical personnel begin to treat you much nicer as if they're in on something you have no clue about (at least this is your perception, some would call this a manic episode or a delusion, but that's part of your bi-polar diagnosis so it's okay) 6) after ruminating on EVERY THING that has happened to you since the end of march until now you FINALLY discover that this is all a game... wouldnt you continue one said mission?
i'm telling you all that i will eventually be vindicated. hell, having just today discovered what an ED (emergency department) visit means, i'm like a million times happier. as in, i know i can act a fool once i get my medi-cal card, because i have every right to, and once i get it i'll explain to my family the purpose of my condition: to meet scarlett johansson.
of course, the job of the cops is to tell me she doesnt live where i presume she lives. the point of the medical technicians is to get me to a safe haven, and the point of the doctors is to treat me like i'm crazy until i stand up for my rights and demand that i be treated respectfully, because those are my rights, goddamnit. there's a game that's happening and i'm not playing by the rules.
people, i have seen subliminal messaging and it exists. i'm CRAZY! ha ha ha, it has never felt so good to write such words. i've jokingly said them out loud, but it's the absolute truth. now i get it. i'm so crazy for scarlett johansson that i accidentally stumbled upon her secret means of communicating: the psychic means. and i can thank the undying love i've always felt for my friend nadiya kravets for all of this. she basically told me she's not in love with me but that she loves me. it made me laugh to read. at the same time, i dont understand why she doesnt write me more? i mean, i write way too much, and i've been leaving her alone because she says she's been "busy" and whatnot, so you can't blame me for not trying, she's asking me to keep my correspondences short and i'm too scared to tell her directly what i've been working on.
i think it's best that i keep this whole thing to my self as i'm learning i should. there's a method to my madness i'm only now discovering. basically, stay patient and cover my p's and q's, then act when i'm able to, but act with a purpose. this means i'll have to delay further visits to the address until i decide i know who to ask for, or until i have my medi-cal card and i'm officially covered for any and all hospital visits. the problem is that i shut down when i'm "in the moment" but that's now easily remedied, because, as i've now covered, i'm in on the game.
so, game on, i say, and we'll see who gets the last laugh. it also provides me with the necessary motivation to rectify the problem of having gained 20 pounds while in the hospital for the second time. of course, if the clues i've received have been any indication, my weight gain has translated nicely on to my frame. let's just say someone reminded me that my personality and manner of being are sexy enough, without giving away the entire story. no sex was involved, mind you we were stuck in the hospital together, but she did every thing to reassure me that i was on the right path and that she was going to try and help me when the time is right.
i now get what i have to do. i have to explain things to my family so they are able to help me acheive my happiness. i have to play by their rules in order to obtain said help. i have to be a "good boy" if you will. of all these things, i am capable. it energizes me to figure out that all along i've been unaware of this game, but i am committed to winning it, because i play for keeps.
i told my self i was fully committed to seeing this thing through, and by god, it will happen. i'm feeling better than ever, my friends, we can say the prodigal son has returned! woo-hoo, this is going to be a fun next couple of weeks, now that i understand the purpose behind what happened to me and the greater purpose of what i must now do moving forward in order to finally meet my beloved scarlett johansson.
as the saying goes, he who laughs last laughs best, and i've been storing up weeks worth of laughter so that when things finally get cleared up and i'm vindicated, i will be laughing for the rest of my days. i've always dreamed on the biggest scale and figuring out the small details behind the story of my life the past couple of months only makes me further believe the dreams which stem from the wildest parts of my imagination. marriage, babies, and growing up? sure, i'll take all of them once the time is right and the right person comes along into my life. who knows when i'll finally have the right arrangement to meet her, but it will happen, my friends, and when it finally does, i'll be happy.
of course, as a back-up, let's assume that i never meet her, then i'm perfectly happy knowing i'm smart enough on my own to go to school and make something of my self. i am perfectly capable of obtaining a degree in civil engineering and pursuing my wildest personal dreams and ambitions as i've always intended. so there is a plan A = crazy nonsense, but true and a plan B = go to school and be somebody (rational). i can live with either option, now that my mindset is getting better.
thanks for reading!
edwin
Thursday, June 3, 2010
a turn for the worse...
as of this reading things are not going well.
i'm thisclose to being put out of my own parents house for refusing to stay with my mouth shut accepting their measly assistance. as has been chronicled in this space, i've been through a lot in the past couple of months and have spent time in the hospital for the better part of 5 of the past 10 weeks. even writing about all of it has been hard.
now it seems i may have to make a return visit to the hospital in order to remedy this entire ordeal. i'm at my wits end of being with my family and i dont know what else to do. long story short, i dont think i'll be writing any updates for a little while, be it for a direct or indirect reason. i just thought i'd write an update here in order to keep those who read this in the know about my possible whereabouts this upcoming weekend.
if you have any questions, please feel free to email (coreas.edwin@gmail.com) to me, because i dont have any other means of being contacted at the moment...
edwin
i'm thisclose to being put out of my own parents house for refusing to stay with my mouth shut accepting their measly assistance. as has been chronicled in this space, i've been through a lot in the past couple of months and have spent time in the hospital for the better part of 5 of the past 10 weeks. even writing about all of it has been hard.
now it seems i may have to make a return visit to the hospital in order to remedy this entire ordeal. i'm at my wits end of being with my family and i dont know what else to do. long story short, i dont think i'll be writing any updates for a little while, be it for a direct or indirect reason. i just thought i'd write an update here in order to keep those who read this in the know about my possible whereabouts this upcoming weekend.
if you have any questions, please feel free to email (coreas.edwin@gmail.com) to me, because i dont have any other means of being contacted at the moment...
edwin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
