* the world, of life in general, is not for the faint of heart. in fact, it can be said that it isnt for the cowards either, but then, how would we account for my existence. i digress...
* i'm writing again, which could either be a "sign of the times" (as in, "watch out, the end of the world is fast approaching") or it means that i'm OFFICIALLY-OFFICIALLY doing MUCH better. okay, i'll stop with the caps, but i NEED you to understand just how important this latest development is to me.
sure, i know there's a cocktail of prescription meds mixed with marijuana to account for my "clear headdedness" but i swear it's more than that. life has started to make "sense" to me again, and that's both refreshing and daunting. it's refreshing, because it beats the depressed feeling which had been dominating my general "being". it's daunting, because with my newfound "lucidity" (is this a word?) i can go back to performing magic tricks for cash. i mean, i can go back to being my typical crazy self trying to find my way in the world. in and of itself, that task is daunting.
i mean, how does one become one if one isnt even aware of what one is? are you confused yet? in other words, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!? i told you i'd stop with the caps IF you understood the magnitude of what i am attempting to describe.
just know this: everyone eventually finds a partner. some of us find them IN SPITE of ourselves (presently my goal) while others work at it. either way, enough couples are made that enough children are propagated, and thus life continues. my problem, as usual, is with the "bigger picture". i tend to imagine it too much, which confinese me in my "present" reality. i mean, who KNOWS what one is supposed to do once one has life "figured out". the best i can offer anyone is to just smoke pot and get laid, but i cant even do half of those things right. i always end up with the tab in the wrong slot, ha ha ha ("insert tab A into slot B").
* i will say this: for all of you who are reading me now, i thank you. i have a small suspicion you will not be disappointed by my postings, but that would require i resort to my "ancient ways" in order to have stories of debauchery to share. well, i'm not sure about that, but i think you guys know what i mean.
"there was a time..." and i have it in my mind's eye. we have to go back to those "times". we have to go back in order to save my self. somehow, i lost track of my self but i'm slowly getting "it" back. i think i must've been scared into reality, but i never realized when i lost track of it. i have better information now to assist me in realizing when i've "lost" my way, but it doesnt do much to help me to "find my way". a bunch of conundrums and all i can think of is the word "what" (a la "pulp fiction"). "what?!" "say 'what' again, i double dare you" (to paraphrase).
* someday i'll look back on all of these posts and i'll smile, because by my side will be SOMEONE (insert name here upon finding her for editorial purposes) who understands everything i've been through.
"and then you woke up from your dream..." but i've already told you, my life feels like a dream from which i am endlessly awakening. "so, what was i up to an hour ago? what distracted me?" who's the rational one now?
just because i put an opinion of my self into quotes doesnt mean it's the end-all, be-all of my existence. i, like most everyone else, am a truly complicated man. THIS is just one of the reasons why i shy away from love, why i shy away from affection. i want the "real" thing. i put it into quotes, because at this point, i have been certified as "having trouble with reality". i'm paraphrasing the word "bi-polar" but you know what i mean. hell, what does bi-polar even mean? i kid, but the definition is spot-on for me. it is this fact which continues to throw me from the scent, which i believed i was following. who the hell was the anonymous poster who now seems too busy to respond? someday my cowardice will be respected for being honest. just, not today. or tomorrow, it seems.
or as i stated before, what i dont know also tells me what i do now. people think i'm an idiot, but that's not entirely true. i have my moments where i can identify the game being played with my life. i thought i had it figured out before, for the sake of no longer obsessing about said topic, but now i'm convinced i dont know what happened, which opens up the door for the impossible to be possible. but, you ask "how is that possible?" no, nothing is impossible if you believe in it. the problem is in trying to find others who will believe equally in what you believe. see, there are established methods of thinkng, some of which i subscribe to, but most of which can be "debunked".
everyone is looking for the "pure and honest truth" but the reality is much more disappointing than most will ever realize. for most of us, mediocrity is as best as we'll ever manage. the finer levels are easier to swallow, but if you're not looking for much, you will be pleasantly surprised.
me? i'm fine living on the outskirts, attempting to find MY life's pace, and learning to swim with it. i am in no rush to do anything spectacular or important. i am in no rush to observe the latest brilliance the world has to offer. i am in no rush to suffer through the lines in order to say that i "was first". i am in no rush, period, end of sentence.
* i imagine a world, but then am distracted by reality. i imagine my self, but then am distracted by reality. i try to imagine nothing, but then am distracted by reality. i think reality wants my attention, but i've got nothing to spend, just love to offer. it's a rephrasing of an old spanish song by the infamous juan gabriel. it says, in spanish "no tengo dinero, ni nada que dar/lo unico que tengo es amor para amar", loosely translated as "i've no money, or anything to give/the only thing i've got is love to give".
therein lies my dilemma. i care too much, but not enough in all of the right places. meaning, i care enough to shower and to maintain my general hygiene, but i dont care enough to go out and parade myself for the world to see. deep down i crave attention, but i'm looking for a specific kind, of which i've managed to convince myself i'm undeserving. did you want to try and have a conversation with me?
* the easiest thing, i find, is to remain open. be open to every one and every thing, but the difficult thing is knowing how to ask.
i was reading one of my previous posts, where i was discussing how ANYTHING can be had in life if we just had the courage to ask...well, i ruminated on the post for as long as i could and i realized i never put down the "answer" to my "question". as in, providing a link or a detailed explanation as to how i acquired the knowledge that anything can be had if we just ask. all i have is to retrace my steps, or to re-take them again. one is infinitely wiser than the other, but some days i have trouble discerning which is which.
if i retrace my steps, i'm essentially viewing everything again from a different perspective, which may, or may not, helpe me in my overall goal. if i re-take my steps, it is possible i could end up in the hospital, which may, or may not, be the point of it all. i mean, who could possibly figure out hide or hare based on the experiences i have discussed and have yet to discuss? i've tried everything. i've tried "letting it go", "forgetting about it", "not talking about it" and the like, but it always ends up dominating my landscape.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!
ugh! never you mind. i think i'll go back to listening to "new low" by middle class rut, until things begin to make more sense to me. i guess, at the end of the day i could transcribe things for a living, but who could hire me in that capacity? i might kid by saying that i am useless, but that's not entirely true. i eat pussy like a champ, and when i'm comfortable, i've been known to fuck like a champ, too.
the problem is in finding that goddamn line. one minute i stop on a dime, the next my toe's over the line and i can hear "walter" screaming "OVER THE LINE" (from "The Big Lebowski") ad nauseam. look, it's not pretty being inside my head, but that's what you asked for when you decided to click this way. the least you could do is provide a comment or feedback from time-to-time. it wont hurt, i assure you, ha ha ha.
* okay, that should be enough for another post...
edwin
* i'm writing again, which could either be a "sign of the times" (as in, "watch out, the end of the world is fast approaching") or it means that i'm OFFICIALLY-OFFICIALLY doing MUCH better. okay, i'll stop with the caps, but i NEED you to understand just how important this latest development is to me.
sure, i know there's a cocktail of prescription meds mixed with marijuana to account for my "clear headdedness" but i swear it's more than that. life has started to make "sense" to me again, and that's both refreshing and daunting. it's refreshing, because it beats the depressed feeling which had been dominating my general "being". it's daunting, because with my newfound "lucidity" (is this a word?) i can go back to performing magic tricks for cash. i mean, i can go back to being my typical crazy self trying to find my way in the world. in and of itself, that task is daunting.
i mean, how does one become one if one isnt even aware of what one is? are you confused yet? in other words, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!? i told you i'd stop with the caps IF you understood the magnitude of what i am attempting to describe.
just know this: everyone eventually finds a partner. some of us find them IN SPITE of ourselves (presently my goal) while others work at it. either way, enough couples are made that enough children are propagated, and thus life continues. my problem, as usual, is with the "bigger picture". i tend to imagine it too much, which confinese me in my "present" reality. i mean, who KNOWS what one is supposed to do once one has life "figured out". the best i can offer anyone is to just smoke pot and get laid, but i cant even do half of those things right. i always end up with the tab in the wrong slot, ha ha ha ("insert tab A into slot B").
* i will say this: for all of you who are reading me now, i thank you. i have a small suspicion you will not be disappointed by my postings, but that would require i resort to my "ancient ways" in order to have stories of debauchery to share. well, i'm not sure about that, but i think you guys know what i mean.
"there was a time..." and i have it in my mind's eye. we have to go back to those "times". we have to go back in order to save my self. somehow, i lost track of my self but i'm slowly getting "it" back. i think i must've been scared into reality, but i never realized when i lost track of it. i have better information now to assist me in realizing when i've "lost" my way, but it doesnt do much to help me to "find my way". a bunch of conundrums and all i can think of is the word "what" (a la "pulp fiction"). "what?!" "say 'what' again, i double dare you" (to paraphrase).
* someday i'll look back on all of these posts and i'll smile, because by my side will be SOMEONE (insert name here upon finding her for editorial purposes) who understands everything i've been through.
"and then you woke up from your dream..." but i've already told you, my life feels like a dream from which i am endlessly awakening. "so, what was i up to an hour ago? what distracted me?" who's the rational one now?
just because i put an opinion of my self into quotes doesnt mean it's the end-all, be-all of my existence. i, like most everyone else, am a truly complicated man. THIS is just one of the reasons why i shy away from love, why i shy away from affection. i want the "real" thing. i put it into quotes, because at this point, i have been certified as "having trouble with reality". i'm paraphrasing the word "bi-polar" but you know what i mean. hell, what does bi-polar even mean? i kid, but the definition is spot-on for me. it is this fact which continues to throw me from the scent, which i believed i was following. who the hell was the anonymous poster who now seems too busy to respond? someday my cowardice will be respected for being honest. just, not today. or tomorrow, it seems.
or as i stated before, what i dont know also tells me what i do now. people think i'm an idiot, but that's not entirely true. i have my moments where i can identify the game being played with my life. i thought i had it figured out before, for the sake of no longer obsessing about said topic, but now i'm convinced i dont know what happened, which opens up the door for the impossible to be possible. but, you ask "how is that possible?" no, nothing is impossible if you believe in it. the problem is in trying to find others who will believe equally in what you believe. see, there are established methods of thinkng, some of which i subscribe to, but most of which can be "debunked".
everyone is looking for the "pure and honest truth" but the reality is much more disappointing than most will ever realize. for most of us, mediocrity is as best as we'll ever manage. the finer levels are easier to swallow, but if you're not looking for much, you will be pleasantly surprised.
me? i'm fine living on the outskirts, attempting to find MY life's pace, and learning to swim with it. i am in no rush to do anything spectacular or important. i am in no rush to observe the latest brilliance the world has to offer. i am in no rush to suffer through the lines in order to say that i "was first". i am in no rush, period, end of sentence.
* i imagine a world, but then am distracted by reality. i imagine my self, but then am distracted by reality. i try to imagine nothing, but then am distracted by reality. i think reality wants my attention, but i've got nothing to spend, just love to offer. it's a rephrasing of an old spanish song by the infamous juan gabriel. it says, in spanish "no tengo dinero, ni nada que dar/lo unico que tengo es amor para amar", loosely translated as "i've no money, or anything to give/the only thing i've got is love to give".
therein lies my dilemma. i care too much, but not enough in all of the right places. meaning, i care enough to shower and to maintain my general hygiene, but i dont care enough to go out and parade myself for the world to see. deep down i crave attention, but i'm looking for a specific kind, of which i've managed to convince myself i'm undeserving. did you want to try and have a conversation with me?
* the easiest thing, i find, is to remain open. be open to every one and every thing, but the difficult thing is knowing how to ask.
i was reading one of my previous posts, where i was discussing how ANYTHING can be had in life if we just had the courage to ask...well, i ruminated on the post for as long as i could and i realized i never put down the "answer" to my "question". as in, providing a link or a detailed explanation as to how i acquired the knowledge that anything can be had if we just ask. all i have is to retrace my steps, or to re-take them again. one is infinitely wiser than the other, but some days i have trouble discerning which is which.
if i retrace my steps, i'm essentially viewing everything again from a different perspective, which may, or may not, helpe me in my overall goal. if i re-take my steps, it is possible i could end up in the hospital, which may, or may not, be the point of it all. i mean, who could possibly figure out hide or hare based on the experiences i have discussed and have yet to discuss? i've tried everything. i've tried "letting it go", "forgetting about it", "not talking about it" and the like, but it always ends up dominating my landscape.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!
ugh! never you mind. i think i'll go back to listening to "new low" by middle class rut, until things begin to make more sense to me. i guess, at the end of the day i could transcribe things for a living, but who could hire me in that capacity? i might kid by saying that i am useless, but that's not entirely true. i eat pussy like a champ, and when i'm comfortable, i've been known to fuck like a champ, too.
the problem is in finding that goddamn line. one minute i stop on a dime, the next my toe's over the line and i can hear "walter" screaming "OVER THE LINE" (from "The Big Lebowski") ad nauseam. look, it's not pretty being inside my head, but that's what you asked for when you decided to click this way. the least you could do is provide a comment or feedback from time-to-time. it wont hurt, i assure you, ha ha ha.
* okay, that should be enough for another post...
edwin
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