...one must go in order to find a happier place.
* folks, i'm trying and it isnt working. i guess i'm going to go to sleep upset and frustrated. at least i can say i'm used to it by now, ha ha ha. there, i managed to make my self laugh. maybe a career in comedy isnt such a ludicrous idea.
but how do you channel every thing you've got when you feel like you havent got a thing. ah, the conundrums of life and how seemingly stupid i am at figuring them out. action or inaction, sometimes it all feels the same. like a terrible catch-22: you're damned if you, you're damned if you dont. i dont know which to pick sometimes, because everything i thought i knew turned out to be bollocks. sure, i can name the president and the year, but neither of those things concerns me. i'm a lunatic and only crazy thoughts satisfy me. as in, the crazier, the better. that's what i get for buying into every idea and delusion served up to me. that's what i get for having such an awesome imagination. i get placed on 5150. even the cops dont understand the scope of my "work".
* sigh.
lately, very few things have made sense to me. i still dont even think i've managed to figure out exactly WHY the cops placed me on 5150. was i REALLY stupid enough to nod my head in agreement at everything the cops said? ugh, there's no way to know for sure, unless you ask me to roll back the tape. you dont want me to do that, believe me. the more i explain, the less every thing will make sense. the less my life will make sense to me, and the more i will have to admit to my self that i am crazier than even i understand.
people have come into my life and i believe it's all been for a reason, yet when i try to tie every thing together, nothing makes sense. folks, who can live this way? it's becoming increasingly more frustrating because of my lack of a support system. it's as if i will have to manage every thing on my own, as usual. can't rely on others because they're busy making the most of their lives. how weak could i possibly be to have to ask anyone for help? it's a rhetorical question, since asking for help is actually a sign of strength than of weakness.
* all i want is to perform on-stage and for people to laugh. i hear that's the key to everything. maybe, it's even my way out of this hell-hole i've dug my self into. no, wait, that's actually a limitation that exists inside my head. ugh, when will i ever figure this whole thing out. i dont think i want to play anymore, but when did the game(s) begin? here we go again with the same questions that will never be answered. what i saw is what i saw. what i did is still confusing to me. what the hell did i do to end up on 5150 4 separate times, and why does going back seem like an attractive option.
i'll tell you one thing: they sure do listen to you in the hospital. they dont help you figure anything out, but they'll listen to you. the question is if you're listening to your self. i think i may have done more to place scarlett johansson on alert to my "presence" than i understand. just exactly do you explain to a celebrity that some random nobody they've never met is asking to meet them, and why would she even listen? then again, where the hell did the notion of scarlett johansson come from? i'm blurring the line again and it's not even funny.
i thought i knew what i was getting into and now i realize i'm in over my head. WHO THE HELL WAS I TALKING TO!?
never mind. this is more difficult than i thought. nothing left to do but to end this blog. there's more going on inside my head than anyone realizes, and even i dont understand the whole of it. undergoing treatment will only aggravate the situation. this will only end badly...
edwin
* folks, i'm trying and it isnt working. i guess i'm going to go to sleep upset and frustrated. at least i can say i'm used to it by now, ha ha ha. there, i managed to make my self laugh. maybe a career in comedy isnt such a ludicrous idea.
but how do you channel every thing you've got when you feel like you havent got a thing. ah, the conundrums of life and how seemingly stupid i am at figuring them out. action or inaction, sometimes it all feels the same. like a terrible catch-22: you're damned if you, you're damned if you dont. i dont know which to pick sometimes, because everything i thought i knew turned out to be bollocks. sure, i can name the president and the year, but neither of those things concerns me. i'm a lunatic and only crazy thoughts satisfy me. as in, the crazier, the better. that's what i get for buying into every idea and delusion served up to me. that's what i get for having such an awesome imagination. i get placed on 5150. even the cops dont understand the scope of my "work".
* sigh.
lately, very few things have made sense to me. i still dont even think i've managed to figure out exactly WHY the cops placed me on 5150. was i REALLY stupid enough to nod my head in agreement at everything the cops said? ugh, there's no way to know for sure, unless you ask me to roll back the tape. you dont want me to do that, believe me. the more i explain, the less every thing will make sense. the less my life will make sense to me, and the more i will have to admit to my self that i am crazier than even i understand.
people have come into my life and i believe it's all been for a reason, yet when i try to tie every thing together, nothing makes sense. folks, who can live this way? it's becoming increasingly more frustrating because of my lack of a support system. it's as if i will have to manage every thing on my own, as usual. can't rely on others because they're busy making the most of their lives. how weak could i possibly be to have to ask anyone for help? it's a rhetorical question, since asking for help is actually a sign of strength than of weakness.
* all i want is to perform on-stage and for people to laugh. i hear that's the key to everything. maybe, it's even my way out of this hell-hole i've dug my self into. no, wait, that's actually a limitation that exists inside my head. ugh, when will i ever figure this whole thing out. i dont think i want to play anymore, but when did the game(s) begin? here we go again with the same questions that will never be answered. what i saw is what i saw. what i did is still confusing to me. what the hell did i do to end up on 5150 4 separate times, and why does going back seem like an attractive option.
i'll tell you one thing: they sure do listen to you in the hospital. they dont help you figure anything out, but they'll listen to you. the question is if you're listening to your self. i think i may have done more to place scarlett johansson on alert to my "presence" than i understand. just exactly do you explain to a celebrity that some random nobody they've never met is asking to meet them, and why would she even listen? then again, where the hell did the notion of scarlett johansson come from? i'm blurring the line again and it's not even funny.
i thought i knew what i was getting into and now i realize i'm in over my head. WHO THE HELL WAS I TALKING TO!?
never mind. this is more difficult than i thought. nothing left to do but to end this blog. there's more going on inside my head than anyone realizes, and even i dont understand the whole of it. undergoing treatment will only aggravate the situation. this will only end badly...
edwin
No comments:
Post a Comment