the melancholy maniac without a cause...

* it didnt take long for me proverbial tree to be shook and a favor to be asked. come to think of it, i kind of like being called upon the way that i do. it's so...refreshing, yeah, that's the word, to be wanted in an honest way. it sure beats the ambiguity that i've been feeling at home.

  on one hand we have my father, with whom i would never like to speak again, and then we have my mother, who is so oblivious about my truest emotions it's almost sad. unless, of course, you're the kind who wallows in your own self-pity. then, it's just pathetic to you, and there's nothing that can be done.

  so, what was i supposed to do this holiday season but to grit my teeth and to bear (pun intended) with it, until i received a delightful text from one of my best friends, mike. after calling him, he asked if i would do him the honor of driving him to mendocino couny at 1am when he arrives friday morning. um, is it even a question, because i sure thought it was rhetorical. "of course i'll drive you, my friend, it's not even a question" were my exact words, or something to that effect. my point is: i now have something to do this weekend which wont involve moping around wishing i had a goddamned job. needless to say, having a job wouldnt be very conducive to this favor that was asked of me, but that's for someone else to worry about.

  right now, i'm ecstatic that i get to spend a good amount of quality time with one of the few MEN in my life who has been there for me and has always guided me through troubled waters, especially when he was co-captain of our proverbial ship. ah, the memories that come back at the mere mention of it all, ha ha ha. we discussed that briefly, and i reminded him that our times of milk and honey would SURELY return once i got back on my feet and began working again. he's aware of my humble plan to be a farmer, which he agrees will make me beaucoup bucks, but in the meantime it's all about sweating alongside the proletariat making an honest buck until said plans come into fruition and then bear fruit of their own. easily, we're talking about 6 months, to see a full return on the investment, but i'm not trying to sell anyone on the concept anymore.

* truth be told: if my family wanted to make me happy they'd either help me to fulfill my short term goals, or they'd stay out of the way. i cant stand this in-between where they tiptoe around me as if i've got a fully loaded sawed-off shotgun in my hands at all times. i swear, that was never the person i wanted to be, ha ha ha, but i guess when you've drawn your line in the sand it is easy for others to feel intimidated.

  yes, i'm recounting my traditional holiday tale of how much my family annoys me, which would be nice if it werent already true. so, on account of my buddy calling in a favor to be driven up north during the wee hours of the night, i do NOT plan on having christmas with my family, and considering the smatter lines which will undoubtedly be felt when the decision to go back to florida FINALLY becomes a reality, this might be my "last" chance to spend a christmas with them before my proposed "transformation." we wont go into full details, aside from saying that another variation of "project back to sexy" is in order, but i think it's easy to guess where i am going with it. i'm unhappy with my self and my figure, so some changes need to be made in order for me to feel better about those things.

* that being said, i've begun to notice that i've been a little down lately, which might have something to do with my sudden desire for companionship. while it may seem sad to the outside perspective, this is actually a good thing, because it means i still have hope in my mind of someday meeting a wonderful woman who will make me a happy man. i just have to keep on my path of enlightenment and enrichment through academic things, versus running around upset and angry with the world for the mean joke it played on me this year. or at least, school can be my back-up plan, ha ha ha, until i have the right circumstance where i can begin to grow my highly anticipated crops.

  the other good part is that my friends locally are seeing positive things happe to them before the end of the year, namely that two of my friends will be finding comfortable housing, and there is a space for me if i'm able to find a job and provide with the food or rent. either way, this is good, because it represents an opportunity which the universe wants me to consider.

  people keep asking me about florida and if i'm really going to be moving back, and i always tell them it's going to depend on my friend, alli, who is preparing everything for me to move. if she is able to make things happen for her and she can set things up for me to come over and help her manage them, then i'm gone. i cant stand staying in a miserable household much longer. it's quite detrimental to my mental health feeling as if i'm a liability wrapped in the mind of an insane criminal. i'm neither of those things, i am a perfectly sane, yet ultimately frustrated, boy who is trying his damndest to become a man on his own terms. why is that so hard for some people to comprehend?

* while it may appear that i am a wise person, i am no better than anyone else. i'm slightly worse off due to my own doing, but that's not up for debate; it's a known quantity in my mind. i guess, what makes it worse is knowing how well we could all have it if people gave me a chance to prove them wrong. it is one thing to be told one is wrong, but it is another entirely to never be given the chance to prove someone else is wrong and that we are indeed right.

  loving me can only support me insofar as money is provided. that's a sad reality, but one that must be faced with a strong back. one cannot merely subsist of handouts and favors without ever expecting that those helping us might require something from us in exchange for their help. good will is easily spent, but earning it is always more difficult. why? how come most people choose to rid themselves of your problems once it has become clear you were not expecting a half-assed attempt at help?

  all pointless questions, really, because answering them wont get me closer to my happiness. a job will, and even then, i might need two. see, if it were up to me, i'd be growing in my own backyard, but, as you can see, i do not live on my own. i live with my folks who are so old school they make the present seem like the future. *screams into the air* i cant even mention them without feeling like i'm having some sort of manic episode, ha ha ha.

* which brings me to the question which has been lingering in my brain since the day things happened: what the hell happened to me this year? it must be said that my year was full of "interesting" experiences, most of which pain me to talk about, and that's just plain weird.

  where the hell did i get the idea that i could do crazy things with my mind, and how come it's difficult for me to remember exactly what happened? why such craziness from the police in san francisco? how come i had to be hospitalized so often, but most importantly: who was behind all of this?

  again, the only thoughts that come to mind are the kind that say "i dont know" in a million different ways. i guess mentioning it was without a purpose, aside to juxtapose my newfound commitment to making my short term goals a reality. if it is true that i was channeling spirits and doing things i never knew i was capable of, then it shouldnt be so hard to transfer that energy into something more tangible which WILL have a financial benefit to me, versus having it cost me thousands. i guess, someway somehow i was supposed to find my purpose this year, and i think i finally have.

* dont have much else to say, aside from thanks to those who have taken the time to read this. now, if you'll excuse me, i have episodes on the DVR to catch up on, ha ha ha...

edwin

recounting the year that was 2010...

* first off, an apology for my lack of consistent writing these past couple of months. things have certainly not been easy for me, to say the least, and i needed to take some time off to hang out with friends who helped me to remember that there is more to life than wallowing in your own self pity. that being said, i want to extend a giant thank you to everyone who has supported me and offered me words of encouragement this year. without your support, i'm not sure i would've made it. yeah, i fell into a deep depression which lasted well over 5 months, but i beat it, and i have my friends and family to tank for that.

* second, i just wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday, depending on whichever one you are choosing to celebrate. i am non-denominational, so i celebrate everyday the same way: by giving thanks for the blessing which is my life. hey, when you've been to the bottom of the rabbit hole and it doesnt kill you, you quickly realize you have a lot to be thankful for.

  i mean, for crying out loud, who would've thought i would spend as much time in hospitals this year as i did? certainly not me. and while the reasons for my hospitalizations remain unknown (i'm not buying the story that i was having "manic episodes"), let's just say i've come to terms with all of it. it's not something that i ever had any control over, and if i did, i certainly did not know how to possess or use said control. in the end, it didnt kill me, but it has certainly made me stronger.

* we're nearing the end of the school year, with finals approaching next week. i have a couple of papers to write for my classes, and they WILL get done sooner than later. one is due in my political science class on monday and the others are due in my spanish class on wednesday. it's SO exciting to have completed my first semester since missing out on the spring semester because of my well chronicled problems.

  i'm certainly looking forward to the spring semester, assuming i dont make a much contemplated move to florida. things are still up in the air with that decision, but i'll know more hopefully by the end of the year. i need to be reassured a little more that it WILL be te right decision, and that i wont be left out to dry if i make this move. i guess i only have time and patience to use as tools in making this decision. i am in no rush, and certainly this is something that could wait, if need be.

* i just wanted to jot some things down in between writing the aforementioned papers, so i have little else to share. i'm going out with my cousin nancy tonight to watch "due date". hopefully, it'll be good. the initial reviews say it's funny, but we'll determine just how funny it is indeed.

  with that being said, i'm out, like trout...

edwin

things change in 2 months...

* the other day i weighed myself and was thoroughly disappointed by what i saw. i'm officially 210lbs, and that's not sitting well with me.

  i had been weighed when i was in the hospital the second time (if you dont know what i'm referring to, please refer to the bevy of blogs discussing my mental health diagnosis of bi-polar) and the results were much more pleasant then, i was 176. Somehow throughout the course of my nearly 2 week stay in said hospital i managed to put on 20lbs, so i ended up weighing 195 when i was released. then, throughout the course of the year i managed to put on an additional 15lbs to get to my current disgusting weight.

  well, at least i'm wearing my additional weight well, and i am exercising more, so the hope is that i'll manage to lose some of my extra weight before the start of the spring semester. not that i'm rushing, or anything. it's just disappointing to look at myself in the mirror right now, but that's something i'm obviously working on. i figure it should serve as motivation to better myself. really, anything is motivation right now. the fact that i'm broke and without a job is motivating me to obtain employment somewhere. the fact that i have dreams of becoming an in-door farmer is motivating me to get that damned job, too. and the fact that i know i deserve to enjoy myself the way i like enjoying my time is motivating me, too. we'll see in the next couple of weeks how things turn out.

* mentally speaking...i'm doing fine. i'm still confused about some of the things i've lived through this year, but i've come to realize that i've got to move on. like, seriously move on past all of it. i dont have time to waste pondering what happened to me. that's time better served trying to improve upon my current situation, which is in and of itself pretty depressing.

  then again, i dont mean to sound rude, but not every 27 year old enjoys living under their parents roof. especially not one with the style and interests that i possess. if anything, my style is being cramped, but that's my own fault, ha ha ha, and i can at least laugh about all of this now. it wasnt so easy to laugh from may to september, but these past couple of weeks i've managed to find some of my old self to make me smile.

  some things are coming back to me slowly, but i dont think i'll ever be the same again. it's hard to explain but there was a certain joie-de-vivre which i feel i lost as a direct result of my extended stays in the hospital. that is to say nothing about my run-ins with the law and how strange they've been. suffice it to say that i'm not exactly public enemy number one with the SFPD, in fact, i think on some level i may have reached a certain status with them. how else to explain the way they were treating me earlier this year? oh wait, none of you know to what i am referring. ha ha ha, no worries...

* sigh. it's time for bed. i managed to stay up until damn near 3am without thinking about it. cant say that i'm upset, since i'm the moron who took a 2hr nap during the middle of the day. this serves me just right. at least tomorrow i can look forward to receiving my grade for the test i took last monday. i have a sneaky suspicion i may have aced it, but we'll find out soon enough.

  in the meantime...well, just stay out of trouble, ha ha ha. i know how hard it can be to avoid sometimes...

naturally wired at 6am on a saturday...

* people, i dont play when i say something: it's beginning to happen all over again.

as i've been discussing for the past couple of posts, "something" is beginning to happen again. that something is currently up for debate, but suffice it to say that i'm going with the "i'm crazy" slogan this time around, embracing our already wonderful diagnosis of bi-polar so that a certain reality check isnt needed afterwards. i've been preparing myself for this for the past couple of months.

* for some reason "bury me a g" by tupac has been stuck in my head for a while.

hook: i aint got time for bitches/gotta keep my mind on my mothafuckin' riches/even when i die/they wont worry me/momma dont cry/bury me a g

  now, to be clear, i do alright as a "G", but not in the literal sense. i'm not a gangster who is out there slanging and hustling. no, i do much better as a figurative "G". i'm the kid who gets along with everyone, "G's" included, so it is only natural that some "G" tendencies should rub off on me, ha ha ha.

  or in other words, "i'm not a player, i just i fuck a lot!" (thank you, Big Pun). not really, though. i'm just fucking around saying shit, and i'm bound to get my self into trouble again for being loose at the lips. the best part for me, though, is that it is what everyone thinks about me. people think i'm a player. always have, and probably always will. i think it's because i possess a devilish smile and sarcastic enough wit to leave people guessing about my intentions, even though they're usually well-to-do. i always tell everyone "if i was getting laid as often as you think i am, i wouldnt have to talk to women." sure, it doesnt exactly measure up as a statement, but it's saying something.

* we're slowly creeping towards 7am and i think i might finally be able to go back to bed. i dont feel as wired as i did an hour ago, but the true test will be when i finally put my head down. i can feel my eyes burning for more sleep, but the internal being which is my "self" is refusing to submit quietly to my demands. it's like he's a goddamn tweeker stuck on some roof who is oblivious to the fact that everyone is wondering if he's going to jump when all he's really doing is admiring the view from the top. silly how that works, right? one morning you wake up at the bottom looking up, but when you wake up looking down from the top everyone thinks you're suicidal. that's not the case with me. i've accepted that i'm crazy for all of my life, it's just taken me this long to begin to understand all of lifes greater mysteries.

  or as i said yesterday: you can't fix crazy.

* alright, i think i'm going to attempt to go back to sleep for another couple of hours. i dont want to sleep until 10am, like i normally do, but it is imporant that i get another couple of hours. i'll cherish mornings like this until they become the norm, and then i'll cherish whatever other small changes life has in-store for me. dont get me wrong, the "mystery" i've been working on all year long will reveal itself to me, i just have to be patient. it's something i've been receiving from the "spirits". i believe they want me to remain calm, so i will remain calm. there's no point in aggravating my self if i believe i know how everything is going to end.

 i can feel the sleep monster creeping further into me and it's demanding more of my attention. soon, i wont even be able to write anymore, but before that happens, let's sign off and crawl back into bed.

  oooooo! i got it! i think...oh, nevermind, i'm too sleepy to keep writing...

edwin

i broke my internal clock again...

* this is exactly what we've been waiting for, folks. the grand moment is slowly developing to reveal itself. i'm referring, of course, to the change in conditions as my mental state "improves." i say i'm improving, even though i have no idea for sure, since i'm technically supposed to be taking my medication, but i've stopped taking it for about a month now. some medical professionals might disagree, but no one's asking them.

  i'm unable to sleep even though it is almost 2am as of this writing. i've been keeping random hours the past couple of days, something which i was experiencing before when things were beginning to "happen". i made a commitment to my self, and to my family and friends, that i wouldnt let things spiral out of control this time, and i intend to keep it. i think i am beginning to experience small episodes of mania again, but cannot say for sure. all i know is that i'm beginning to experience certain things again and this excites me.

* my eyes scream of exhaustion, but my mind refuses to submit. what gives? i think i'm in the middle of a "return" with regards to what i feel was "taken" from me. again, this is something else which is difficult for me to explain, but simply know that it means i'm going to be fine.

* whoa, i think the exhaustion might finally take over and i'll finally be able to fall asleep. tossing and turning is not fun when you desire to sleep, it's more fun when you have a partner with whom to do so. ha ha ha. yeah, the jokes are light tonight, my brain isnt up to the task of making "funnies".

 *yawn* i think i should go to bed now...

edwin

"i aint a killer but dont push me..."

"revenge is like the sweetest joy, next to getting pussy..." -- tupac from "hail mary"

* an instant classic of opening lines, if ever such a thing existed. it's kind of like you cant say the first part without someone finishing the second part of it. at least, that's how i feel about it.

  havent been able to take my mind off of the concept of time again, which is good, because these are the sorts of thoughts i need to focus on, if i am to make a full recovery. i'm a rambler, but that doesnt necessarily mean i'm crazy. i'm crazy because the doctors say i'm crazy, but it doesn mean it is where things end, either. before things went super bananas, before i ended up in the hospital, i remember a certain sensation of bliss with the environment, almost like enlightenment would feel like, if you can imagine such a concept. this feeling is slowly beginning to return and i'm feeling much better because of this. it's what i've been waiting for and i told my self i would do a better job of remembering the sensations as they progressed, and that i would follow my footsteps more closely this time to avoid future hospitalizations.

* lately, the idea of what life must've been like before the internet took over everything has not been able to leave my mind. i cant shake it. did people really used to do EVERYTHING they used to do? are contemporary people, by similar standards, lazier than ever? as a philosopher, i am in charge of answering lifes bigger questions, and i have to conclude that i believe people are no more lazier now than at any other time in history. if anything, life is a little more difficult because of the perceived easiness of contemporary life. with the prevalence of computers, and the assumption that every child now has access to one, people are beginning to place higher demands and expectations on our children, while existing members of society try and keep up with the strenuous pace which industry and technology have forced us to live by. perhaps things have always been competitive and cutthroat, but i have a hard time imagining to what degree they are now more or less competitive and cutthroat.

  for example, i can imagine that back when people were primarily supposed to rely on their voices, people would make more concerted efforts to be heard and to listen to others. now, it seems that everyone is so involved with their cell phone it is almost impossible to flag down a stranger in the street, or to have a meaningful conversation with said stranger in a bar. again, the internet can be cited as a reason for all of this, but this isnt an attempt to criminalize the internet. i'm simply pointing out how times have changed in such a short period.

  i would imagine that conversations in the past typically revolved around most of the same topics as today, but it is the flair which used to be exhibited in public to which i am referring. before, one had to find ways to be seen or heard in public without disrupting everyone else's space. now, it would seem that people would rather avoid being noticed for fear of the awkwardness which invariably arrives. i ask my self, "why do things have to be this way?" concurrently, i ask myself, "how did things used to be?"

* and thus, we discover my interest in time. when your mind is used to racing a million miles a second you really begin to miss it when the feeling disappears. the primary thing i was working on, before the debacle which was the first half of the year, was to examine the concept of time from the most abstract principles possible. of course, being a student and suffering from an overabundance of time, and feeling mostly that classes were easy enough for me to continue to focus on my work, i moved forward with my proposed experiment without fully considering the consequences.

  looking back at everything, that was my first mistake. i should've been more careful. i should've tested variables better, instead of allowing them to overwhelm me as i fell deeper into my own spell. it was only natural, then, that everything should end up so fucked up. how could all of this have managed to work itself out if i had never taken the time to consider the goddamn consequences? this is, of course, a rhetorical question. ha ha ha. i guess the point i'm trying to make is simply that...

...well, i guess, with me, there really is no point. time is a relative concept, because it is relative to everyone, but at the same time it is on-going...

* and then it hit me: i was exhausted. keeping strange hours lately is beginning to affect me. this is the second day in a row where i woke up really early to write. maybe it can be my new habit, but i'd rather it not. or rather, i would prefer it to be a little more rewarding, but i guess i'll have to remain patient *wink*. i woke up around 6am earlier today, but it is now five to seven and i think i'd like to catch some more sleep before i officially wake up.

*yawns*

yes, my friends, it is certainly time for more sleep...

edwin

in communion with the spirits...

* the past couple of days i've had flashes of my "old" self flicker in my brain. this makes me happy, because it is exactly what i've been waiting for. see, the way things work for me are by recognition and memory. in other words, i live through everything and i remember exactly how i got my self into certain situations, until something happens to knock me off of my perch, then i end up utterly confused, which is exactly what happened to me earlier this year.

  now, it seems everything is changing again. i dont know how to describe all of it, but if i had to try i'd have to claim certain revelations are finally occurring, which is what i had asked for in previous writings, and i'm thankful for this. otherwise, the only other way i would descibe my feelings recently is by saying that i'm regaining some of my old form.

  a trick i've been using to help me to cheer up is to remind my self that things are unfinished, but that i'm in no rush for them to reveal themselves to me. again, i perceive the world in a very special way, but this does not have to prevent me from being a productive member of society. in fact, i can probably use my special perspective to my advantage by producing killer stand-up based on the fact that i have already been diagnosed as crazy. it will have to be smartly written, of course, but i think i could pull it off.

"you want a reason why i can't be trusted? i've been certified by doctors as being crazy; you do the math and figure out if i'm a reliable witness to anything. for all i know, i'm having a manic episode right now, ha ha ha."

* i would have a built-in excuse for always being my self. or rather, i already have a built-in excuse for being my self, damn it. hell, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, i believe i'm crazy, and everyone who loves me would agree that most of what i think, say, and do revolves around a crazy thought, what's the point in selling my self as anything but crazy? crazy sells, damn it, believe me, i know. why else do you think cheap celebrity magazines rake it in at the cash register line in supermarkets? everyone wants to know what celebrities are up to, and it has already been proven that 99.9% of celebrities are crazy on some level. you almost have to be to make in the entertainment industry.

  only a strange thing happened: the internet was invented and now any shmuck with ability is being discovered, pandered, and pushed onto the masses, to the point that most people are afraid to produce truly original acts. or maybe i have it backwards? maybe, the internet is making it so that everyone can access everyone elses work, and now people are too spread out to spend the time to build a cult following, as was usually done back in the day? or maybe, people are working so hard trying to share their work with everyone everywhere that they end up having to take longer tours to reach every destination where they hold enough popularity to warrant a tour stop? i dont know, but regardless, i think the community of comics has yet to truly take advantage of everything the internet, and other new media, have to offer.

  that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

* you want to know what would be my dream job? honestly? with no joke involved? well, the jokes write themselves, but if i could pick any employment, i would want to be the mayor of san francisco. of course, i could always lobby for a position in any future races by nicknaming myself (again) as "the mayor of san francisco", but let's save that one for later. instead, let's think about how funny and entertaining it would be if i were the mayor of san francisco. it would certainly make for a great interview, ha ha ha.

interviewer: mr. coreas, how did you manage to acquire the mayoral position?
me: i picked the job out of a hat. someone said it possessed special qualities, i think they said it was a talking hat (thank you, JK Rowling), and it pretty much decided that i should be mayor.
interviewer: that's interesting, mr coreas, because we see here that there were dozens of people more qualified than yourself for the position. what makes you believe you deserve it above those candidates?
me: well, first, i believe in my abilities, and in those of the talking hat, so why wouldnt it make sense that together our collective wisdom could be trusted to make a decision on behalf of the voters which would actually make them happy? what makes me less deserving to run a city than any other business person, to whom the positions is usually rewarded? let's just use the example of the ancient romans, who would allow for anyone to be caesar if it meant protecting and defending a city. or wait, i'm rambling again, and i think i might have all of my facts confused. never-you-mind, the point i was trying to make is that i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and god-damn-it, people like me!

***

okay, so maybe the interview wasnt as funny as i thought, but it was worth writing it out. i tried, my friends, so forgive me if my effort was lacking in any way.

* i can honestly say i'm beginning to feel much better about everything. or at least, this is as good as i've felt in a really long time. i'm beginning to "feel" flashes of my old self and this excites me, because it means that i can hold hope that someday i will make a full recovery from this debacle which almost drove me completely insane. i can hold hope that someday i'll find myself revving with confidence, standing in front of a microphone, telling raunchy jokes which are a throwback to a time when people didnt hold reservations about what to say, they just said things, and they acted them out on-stage. i'm trying to tell you that i have a comic lion caged within and it's aching to break out of me, only i havent found the confidence to open his goddamned cage.

  the little kitty, which only appears to be innocent, stirs and purrs, and almost seductively asks to be let out, but it is this lack of emotion which reminds me that he is not ready. once the animal inside is raring to be let out, only then will i consider setting him free. he used to be a hungry lion, one who made me proud, but his spirit was taken from me. i feel that all of this is about to change. only time will tell.

  in any case, i thank you for reading this...

edwin

"hey big mouth, shut up!!!"

that's an inside joke, with my self, so please dont be alarmed by the subject line of the blog.

* so lately the light has been flickering in my head. certain things have happened recently which helped me to begin to think that perhaps, after all of this time, i've been going about things the wrong way. yesterday i felt something which reminded me of the feelings from before; a sublime happiness and almost seemingly familiar feeling of communion with the universe. if i could say i was crazy for a minute -- scratch that, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, so let's move on. if i could describe the feeling as "communicating with the universe" then that's how i would describe it, there's no other way.

  i dont know what to attritbute the feelings to, since i wasnt doing anything different than i what i normally do. the main difference is that this time i did not feel scared by the feelings which overcame me. because of their familiarity, they began to help me to think about how everything i have lived through this year might be connected. that's exactly the request i made in my previous blog, so someone "up there" has been listening and perhaps is answering me.

* that's the unofficial report. what i choose to believe is that the game is starting up again. the voices are BACK!!! ha ha ha, hence the subject line. i think that further back than i care to remember i've heard "voices". but before you freak out about it, just think about what it could possibly mean? or to juxtapose it with popular culture: there is presently a hit tv show where the lead character is a smoking hot waitress with telepathic powers who falls in love with a vampire, mostly because she cant read his thoughts. isnt this a little...strange? perhaps, but the underlying point i'm trying to make is that sookie stackhouse and i are not too different, with the exception being that she's a comic book character turned into a hit tv show.

  i guess all i'm trying to say is that my moods have gotten better lately. for example, yesterday i spent all day wondering what life might have been like for me if i had not been born during the beginning of the digital age. i began to think about how everything in my life would've been different if i never had a telephone to rely upon, or the internet, or any of the other conveniences which we take for granted today. i guess it comes with the territory. nothing can ever be great enough that it helps us to never forget. as soon as the masses discover a new play thing we instantly become dumber.

* my cousin, rick, and my friend, dave, were making fun of me a little bit because of my wayward thoughts, but i couldnt help but stick to my guns. that's what you did in the old days. you would josh with your friends and they would take it in return. that, amongst other things, has been something i have learned recently. i'm a different boy with different beliefs and tendencies, but i'm trying to do the best i can to find answers to the questions which remain. primarily, when will everything finally be revealed to me? i know they say that god works in mysterious ways, but i retort that god isnt mysterious, he is transparent. i would argue that people work in mysterious ways. some people fight to help others to see the difference.

  or as i told my cousin rick: i experience the world in a different way, but that doesnt mean i'm weird. before the events which took place earlier this year, i wouldnt have thought twice to open up to everyone about certain things about me, but now i have learned that i need to have tact. this is something i did not learn as a child, so you can imagine how difficult it is to learn as an adult. instead, i learned to always be honest and forthcoming with my elders, especially when things are going haywire. nothing like several beatings as a child from screaming parents to traumatize me into having a fear of authority. and it's not like the cops make it any easier with their tone of voice and how they speak to you.

  now, i've learned that i have to be super selective about the way i live and experience my life. if i want to believe that i have psychic powers, then i have psychic powers. if i want to believe that i can communicate without speaking, then i can communicate without speaking. if i want to believe that i was "guided" through psychic means to an address, and that my inability to communicate effectively with the spirit(s) i was channeling is what led me to the hospital, then that's exactly what happened. my point is that i'm learning to stand up for my self, which is something my buddy dave has been helping me with.

* for those who dont know: i'm not a shit-talker. i'm not typically one of those people who likes to rile up others for the sake enjoyment and entertainment, two points which are always reason enough to shake the devil out of someone, especially if it's a friend. instead, i like to take a more diplomatic approach to crowds. i talk to as many people as possible and i usually leave little to the imagination concerning my intentions, which are usually just to make conversation with others. at the same time, we are all subject to the same passions and desires, so it is only natural that my flirtatious side comes out.  all of this usually works fine and well when i'm feeling like "my self."

  however, because of my different run-ins with the law this year, and because i have always had a special relationship with my parents, in that i have never had an easy time talking with them about my actions both good and bad, i have developed the tendency to shut down whenever i have to deal with the cops. lately, that has extended to other areas of my life. i begin to shut down whenever i feel sad and depressed, and it has been too long since i could remember a different feeling. in fact, that last time i remember feeling like "my self" was during the time when i was actively chasing spirits and trying to get in touch with the supernatural.

* people dont like to hear about such things, which is why i came up with the joke of "hey big mouth, shut up!!!" i was thinking about how i might be perecived in the past if i walked around telling people that i was able to communicate telepathically with anyone. first of all, they'd laugh because it would sound impossible. second, they'd probably think and say that they thought i was crazy. well, how does that change how i've felt about my self all of this time? how does that change any thing i have believed about my self, most notably that i am crazy and am destined for greater things? none of these change a thing, except the fact that someone took the time to listen and hopefully believe me. 

  so, i figure that i'll just learn to be more selective about whom i tell concerning my "abilities." however, whenever pushed to answer, i'll tell people that i'm bi-polar, which means they should take everything i say with a grain of salt, ha ha ha. again, if i believe it, then it is my reality, and i should be able to back it up when push comes to shove. i didnt do that the first time around. i didnt do my part. i think i spoke way too much and i ruined a possibly excellent performance by an undiscovered performance artist, which is my self.

* i think i was supposed to end up in the hospital without anyone knowing and i was supposed to end up meeting some interesting characters who would've eventually led me to the place i was looking for, but i panicked. i freaked out about everything, which only ruined the spiritual connection i was sharing. i think the person on the other end figured i was too unstable to be worked with and they were right, but i wanted things to work, so we tried and failed. strangely, i remember that everything was moving at a speed i had never experienced before, which is why i believe things failed.

  my thought process used to be ridiculously fast, until this experience took that away from me. in fact, i feel like i lost a lot of my self because of the experience and i'm slowly regaining everything again. i used to be able to do some things which i am no longer able to do, but i refuse to believe that i automatically forgot, or that i unlearned some things. if you ask me, i believe that these things were taken through me. of course, such speak is crazy-speak, so let's entertain it.

  i think the same process which allowed me to tap into a greater subconsciousness to be able to communicate spiritually with whomever i was communicating also allowed for them to take some of my greater knowledge and wisdom. it's a two-way street, i think. however, there are ways to unlock it. i also think they took more than they had bargained for and now they are finally coming back to finish what they started. we'll see, though, obviously, because this is an ongoing process, one which i do not think will ever end.

* anyway, it's 2:30am, it's late enough and i should really be back in bed...

every man needs a muse...

* i thought i had it all figured out, but the more i think about things the more i become confused. i thought i was living my life with a purpose, but it turns out i had alterior motives and i'd been sabotaging my previous relationships as a result. i thought i had school figured out, until i learned that i'm not as good at math as i used to be. i thought i knew what i was doing, but that resulted with me making three trips to the hospital on 5150 status. i thought i had a greater purpose, but i feel i have yet to truly discover it.

  strangely, all of this feels a little weird to me, because it's almost as if things are supposed to happen this way. some would say i'm having an identity crisis, but if this is true, then when has it ever eneded? when have i ever truly been happy, and what happened for the change to sadness to occur in the first place?

* the point i was trying to make is that i thought i had a one true love, but it turns out i've been confused all along. she is just a friend, she says, and i can respect that completely. as it happens, i've grown to deal with disappointment much better than in the past, so having to deal with reality on such terms is much easier for me. the awkwardness is still unusual, but the idea behind the concept remains the same: this is the real world.

  the real world compels me to confusion. i've always had difficulty grasping the concept of reality, because my interpretations were dependant upon internal observations running concurrently with my perspective and my inner monologue. if one part of the trifecta was off, the whole thing was off. i believed my dialogue was the key to every thing, that all i had to do was to listen for the sound of my voice and everything would sync up perfectly. the problem i ran into was when things stopped and i was depended to speak; i didnt know what to say. my attempts were met with strange responses, which only helped to ruin the game i was playing with my true love, or so i believed.

*  every man has to learn to deal with it, so why am i having such a difficult time? rejection from the ultimate woman, my friends, is a dish best served between bouts of mania. somehow i believe this will all play out as it was supposed to, i just hope i dont end up in the hospital again as a result. there is just a strangeness to my everyday life right now which almost allows me to begin to speak about actions which have yet to take place. how can i be so confident? i'm endlessly feeling like i'm either catching up or falling behind, only right now every thing feels different, as if i've fallen too far behind and now i dont want to spend the energy catching up. dont you know that a confused boy always stumbles when he walks?

* i thought i had someone with whom i could grow old, but i dont. she lives halfway across the world and has surely forgotten any semblance of love which once existed. i thought it would never end, but perhaps it never truly began? it's strange, but why has it felt like i'd been living for her all along? why have i never been able to rid my self of her name? "strange", one might say, "but it seems like you're being a little obsessive, edwin." one wouldnt be far off, if it werent for the fact that i'm not obsessing. i'm merely attempting to ask a long-winded question. i though you knew; this is my typical style.

* the rub: so if i'm not supposed to end up with nadiya, because she clearly has plans for herself in the real world, and i'm certainly not supposed to end up with scarlett johansson (read previous entries, specifically those with titles revolving around my diagnosis of bi-polar) because she's married in the real world, then who the hell was i chasing through the the streets of san francisco, which resulted in the the aforementioned trips to the hospital? spiritually speaking, i was being guided, but by whom? if anyone knows, please feel free to answer me. i swear, i'm not upset and wont become upset upon learning the truth. what's my consolation prize?

  again, i thought i was playing a game with my self by myself, but it turns out there was a bigger picture involved. had to be, there were too many things that happened for everything to be left up to chance, and i'm refusing to believe it was all one big coincidence, like the cops would've liked me to believe. while it is also possible that i was hallucinating, i also refuse to believe this. again, the facts speak for themselves, but i'm the only one who knows what they are, which puts me in the precarious situation of having to explain, often without the luxury of details, a made-for-tv-movie experience into minutes which simply does not do it justice. all of this is enough to make a boy want to pull out his hair, but still i persist.

  what should be my motivating factor?

* if a hero, as perceived by many to be the person we all want to be successful in a story, has no use for traditional motivating factors, what does he have left? if one has no need for country, glory, fame, riches, women, etc., is one rich or has one learned to live a truly blessed life? i didnt mention god, because god can be motivating to some or destructive to others. even god deserves a place in the real world, because there is just too much that i've lived through to ever deny their existence. i mean, part of the reason why i'm writing this right now is because i felt more motivated to type than to sleep. surely, there is room to allow for the presence of a spirit to have compelled me to wake up out of my slumber to sit down to write this, or have we collectively decided to murder the concept of god?

* i'm not used to the position in which i presently find my self. it feels like i'm dragging my feet through my life because i'm upset i didnt get answers to questions i had, things which had driven me for years, but which, upon further review, were probably just fueling my madness. *shakes head* i dont know what to believe anymore, and i doubt i'll ever relive half of what i've already been through, but somethings gotta give. either i'm destined to spend the rest of my days in misery, or someday all of this will make perfect sense. i hope it's the latter, but i know more work is left to be done if that is to be the case. for example, i have to be able to recreate some of the success i had initially, otherwise this whole thing has been for naught. does this mean i have to plan my timing better, or just that i have to catch-up to real-time speeds, because i have the sneaky suspicion that i'm "playing from behind", as the sports saying goes.

  either way, something's gotta give...

i swear i'll end up crazy, regardless of effort...

*  my math test killed me. at least, that's the official word. out of 10 questions, i managed to successfully complete one. no bueno, as the saying goes. all i could think about afterwards was to cuss my self out and ask my self if the past 7 years of not being in school were worth it. i hated my self, and i had to vent somehow, so taking it out on my self was the best and easiest option. where do we go from here? not sure, aside from thinking about taking advantage of the assistance of the math tutors in the library. that's gotta be the solution, because otherwise i am stumped.

*  all of that got me thinking about my childhood and growing up, and how much i wish certain things could've been different. to start off: my success in life was predetermined years ago, but it was my advanced academic abilities which allowed me to overcome certain obstacles. now, it seems said abilities have diminished considerably and i must resort to being a super-student, something i am not used to and am presently struggling with, just to make sure i pass the aforementioned math class. but this goes beyond a simple math class.

  this speaks to the difficulty of raising a child for immigrant parents. on one hand, it would be so easy to blame my parents lack of parenting ability for the way my life has ended up, but on the other hand i know only i can bear the full responsibility for my lack of success. it's been almost ten years since i graduated high school and 7 years since i left college, and i've bee "in charge" of my life ever since. hell, i left my house at 17 because things had grown difficult and impossible at home. however, even that statement shows glimpses of some of the difficulties i have had to overcome. throw in the raging hormones of a post-adolescent, and all of the myriad of distractions life has managed to throw my way and it becomes clear that i am not the same well-equipped boy who graduated from high school. when did things change?

  the answer to that question lays within this year and last. somewhere along the way my mental fortitude diminished and weakness seeped in, and my inability to adapt to an ongoing failure only made things worse. now, i'm at the point of having to answer some of lifes hard-hitting questions, only i continue to feel as alone as ever in having to deal with such great issues. who do you blame when a child feels as if he's had to raise himself all of his life and he demonstrates certain inevitable failures? who is to blame for my lack of discipline and for my inability to perform at a certain ability? who is to blame for my lack of success? again, the scales do not weigh more on either side. i refuse to allow my self to become a victim of circumstance, but i'm also at an age where i'm at a crossroads. i dont want to alienate my self further from my family by stirring up another argument, but certain truths, as perceived by me, will undoubtedly never be discussed. at least, not until i graduate with a degree.

*  and we return to the pressures and expectations of growing up, only i'm not a boy anymore. i am a full grown man, but i certainly do not feel this way. hell, in the past year, after everything i've been through, i feel like i've lost a part of my self. part of the outgoing spirit i used to feel and possess is gone, and i dont know how to replace it. i havent felt like myself ever since i got out of the hospital for the third time back in april, and even then, it's hard to say i was "my self". the only thing which is certain is that i'm a lunatic and i'm having a difficult time feeling like a "normal" person. anxiety and stress take a hold of me and i freak out, but i dont recall this being the case before i was diagnosed with my illness of bi-polar. what the hell happened to me?

*  the answer might never be found out. some of the experiences i have lived through might never be repeated, so i will have to find a way to make my self happy by focusing exclusively on my self, something which is unnatural to me, because i usually work best in the service of others. what's certain is that things must change, and that time will provide me with unexpected surprises along the way. my life has always been that way. i dont know what the turnaround time is for someone who has gone through something similar to my experiences this year, but i have to believe that it takes a while to get back to being ones self. a few weeks ago i thought i had felt something come alive which had been dormant for months, but i guess it was just a reminder from the real world that sometimes i need to play by the rules, especially when in public places. no need to elaborate beyond that.

  i guess it's just a matter of time and effort. time is a constant and effort is a variable which i most certainly control. let's prioritize and hopefully things will turn out well in the end. after all, this is just life we're talking about, not some random equation for something super complicated. i make things complicated, which i guess is how i ended up with the desire to want to write this blog. i have to get off my ass and begin putting the effort necessary to see my desired results.

  and that's the line i've been walking lately, between wanting to try harder and wanting to give up. giving up wont accomplish anything, beyond setting me back a full year, and trying harder has yet to be attempted, with all honesty included. what happened to creating a better structure for success around me? i guess i forgot that it takes time and effort...

thanks for reading...

edwin

sweltering heat induced rant about nothing; in other words: the usual...

  had a job interview today and was given a second interview, which will take up all of my thursday, and then i hope to move on to the third and final interview session. folks, wish me luck so that i may be granted said job. it's a promotional gig working for a large local sports and entertainment marketing company. somehow i stumbled upon their listing on craigslist and they contacted me about the aforementioned interview. i think someone "up there" really likes me, ha ha ha.

  that being said, i have some things to share...

* school started and my pre-calculus (trigonometry) class is already kicking my butt. or rather, chapter 1, with the inequalities and algebraic equations, is kicking my butt. i have to study them more to regain the aptitude which i demonstrated many moons ago. somehow, i am not surprised by my lack of a grasp on this subject matter. i feel like i lost some of my brain throughout this year's crazy ride, i was bound to lose something of significant value which i knew would be very difficult to replace. alas, we must not give up before a real effort has been attempted.

* maybe it's the fact that it's been so long since i shared myself so intimately with someone, maybe i just need to get laid, or maybe the feeling that has been gnawing at me for the past couple of weeks is real: i think i'm ready to find a girlfriend again. not that i'm in any rush, but i am certainly open to the idea. and why not? a man of humble means can be an excellent lover! money doesnt drive a man to explore a woman's body like she has never been explored before. money doesnt give a man the passion and desire necessary to fuel his desire. money can be used as a tool to reward a man to improve upon his behavior, but money alone does not make the man. so why do i have such a hangup about putting myself out there when everything around me is less-than-perfect? it probably has something to do with the fact that i'm a broke college student, ha ha ha. however, i know better than to let that stop me, but somehow it continues to paralyze me.

  i overanalyze these sorts of things all of the time. i know i'm fine just the way i am, but i want people to see that i am actively taking strides to improve upon the mediocre man i consider myself to be. mediocrity was never my ambition, and as recently as 5 months ago i was feeling the way i desire to feel right now: in tune, in shape, and out of control. well, not so much with the out of control, but you get what i'm saying; i was feeling like "my self". it's a feeling i continue to strive to reach. sooner or later my body will become entirely acquainted with this medication and i'll go back to feeling like my old self again. at least, i continue to hope that i do. maybe then my irrational fears will disappear and i'll go back to being the smooth-talking straight-shooter that i consider to be "me". in the meantime, i have to focus on mastering the first chapter in my pre-calculus book, ha ha ha. being a nice guy only goes a certain length...

* i guess that's all i really have to report at the moment. i'm back to catching my self getting lost in certain moments, so i know that i'm close to regaining what i feel i have lost this year. it's just a matter of time. and time is a constant which we can all count on, because no one controls it and we are all subject to it. yes, my friends, i can feel my self slowly returning to my old self, and when that is finally complete i firmly believe my enjoyment will go skyrocketing. this time i will not let things get over my head, i will be more patient, and i will do my due diligence by remaining calm. i have had a strange trip so far this year, but that doesnt mean that we cant improve upon the way things ended up, which was badly. in any case, thanks for reading...

edwin

old school values, new school rules...

  and people wonder why i'm such a picky bastard. i overanalyze everything to the point of paralysis, and i end up looking like an idiot, no matter how many times i try to play it cool. honestly, it makes me smile, because i'm always kicking myself after every thing, trying to figure out if the decision i made was the best possible one. after a lot of thinking about the subject and after some careful observations these past couple of months i've noticed one glaring thing: life is one big crapshoot.

  sure, it's easy to believe that successfully putting oneself through the college experience should lead to a steady job, but that's hardly the case. throw in the pressure to find a suitable partner and one's growing angst to eventually be ready to start a family, and i honestly dont know how most people live with themselves. it's like i'm endlessly supposed to be getting ready for the next big step in my life, it's difficult to explain. and where exactly is a charming young man such as myself supposed to find the love of his life when i'm still reeling from certain emotional baggage which came to the forefront this year? surely, no one knows, ha ha ha.

  the truth, as i see it, is that the best one can do is to better oneself to be in a better prepared position to make the next big decision. i'm lucky in the sense that i dont have children or any other serious commitments to attend to, so that the random adventures i have put myself through do not affect others beyond my immediate family. right now i can afford to decide if i want my life to move fast or slow and it only affects me, and i like that, but there is a growing desire for change. something inside me yearns for a partner, craves something meaningful which rests on one basic fact that is difficult to argue against, at least for a hopeless romantic like me: love trumps all.

  it should seem easier to me, to find such a love, since i have none of the usual prerequisites which i've mentioned above, or so one would believe. either way i look at it, i find it to be a difficult proposition to address. my heart is wide open and my brain is at least open to the idea of cooperating with it, but the same silly variables rear their heads. most revolve around money and my growing insecurity that it (money) is somehow important to the overall equation. sure, it would help if i had more financial security at the moment, but that doesnt make me less qualified a candidate for love, which it is said money cannot buy. instead, i'm left to deal with a sea of excuses and reasons for why i believe things are imperfect for love. maybe that's why i crave it, because i know what the following steps in my life will be and i'm almost too excited to get started with them. in my heart i feel as if having a suitable partner, one who is capable of loving me for who i am and nothing more, could propel me to perform at levels unseen in some time, but alas. maybe i'm just kidding my self and this entire rant is just the manifestation of it.

  i'm old school in many ways, mostly in that i am easy to please. however, i do ask for the basic respect and dedication any lover would ask for and deserves, which is to work just as hard on your life as i am working on mine. i'm new school in the sense that i dont believe in closed monogamy. when i put the two worlds together in my brain and i attempt to overlap the real world on top of it, it's enough to make my head spin, and that usually leads to trouble, and not always the good kind, though it has been found before. the real world provides a horrendous level of excuses and reasons to fear ending up alone, but the fantasy world only reminds me that i have bested these odds before and that i have been fully capable of finding a woman to love me just as i have stated. something within me never let those women in completely and unabashedly, and this is something which i've been wrestling with for the past couple of months. i feel as if i've failed in love up until now, but that's merely me being too harsh a critic of my self. i now feel as if i've learned enough from said past failures to know to jump in when i feel the proverbial water is right.

  i have much to be grateful for with regards to love and loving, of this i am entirely certain. that i have been unable to put all of the important variables in my life together to have made one of my past loves my bride is another issue altogether. i was born with a rebellious albeit honest spirit. i dream in amazing colors and sounds, but at the end of the day i have accomplished no more than when i graduated high school almost ten years ago. does this qualify me as a failure? i have no girlfriend and am not sure i would be considered "boyfriend material" at this point; does that mean i have failed, or am failing, somehow? not exactly.

  the game to which i am making mention is much like golf in that it is played against ones self. in the competition to have an amazing and exciting life i failed to properly recognize and overcome my handicaps. not that i'm trying to make excuses. for starters, it must be publicly declared that yes i am crazy and i am happy with that diagnosis. but what the means exactly will depend on the audience member who chooses to listen to my story. i'm still a little shy discussing the particulars of this years mental breakdown with strangers, but i try and remind my self that it was a simple breakdown, that the system, which is me, can be repaired and improved upon; that nothing is over yet, and that time is of the essence to make a comeback. after all, i've heard that people like a good underdog story, and i'm planning to place myself as a great underdog in an imperfect circumstance. i've had to overcome long odds just to be alive, so fixing my life and making it what i deserve for it to be shouldnt be too difficult, ha ha ha.

  when i think about it, my life has been a roller coaster ride, but i have always felt that the best parts of the ride were yet to come. i have my lifes experiences to measure against, but as much as i might try it's still too difficult to imagine love existing in my world any time soon. i've got plenty to work on before i'll feel comfortable enough to entertain it, but at the least i'm aware of the growing pains and angst which are fueled by my desire for a mate. or maybe, i just need to get laid, ha ha ha. that could very well be a possibility.

  it's just so easy for me to get caught up in the details surrounding my unhappiness that i forget that i'm also reverse-engineering my happiness at the same time. but when it comes to a woman in my life, all i'm looking for is an old school spirit who loves and works hard. like i said, i'm easy to please. if only life was as simple, maybe then it would be easier to deal with the realization that i've paralyzed my self for different reasons over the years and the academic progress i may hope to make is simply a delayed manifestation of the happiness i have deserved to feel all along.

  without naming them, all of the women i have loved have attempted to help me to learn this lesson but i failed myself when i refused to put it all together. what could any man ask for other than for a partner who loves him and will be by his side through the good and the bad? isnt that in itself enough to be publicly delared as being married? i can admit that i'm looking for a woman, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to meet her, nor should i be sure, that's what time is for, right?

  every thing changes next week when i go back to school and i will be forced to look for another job. i know i have to practice better managing my money and expenses, but i'm also committed to saving for a potential trip to el salvador this winter. i havent been back in over 12 years and i'm itching to go see my native home as i've never seen it before: as an adult. we'll see how things play out in the next couple of months, but for now i'm not going to put any pressure on my self. i have school to focus on and then a job to worry about, that's the extent of my preoccupations. i believe everything else will fall into place on it's own, or i'll make the necessary changes when i'm good and ready.

  in the meantime, i have much to be thankful for with regards to family, so i'll continue learning my lifes lessons through them while i prepare myself for the next opportunity to meet the right woman who will hopefully fit into my long-term goals.

edwin

if life had a refresh button...

... i'd still probably trip along the way. and that's the beauty of the level of "guilt" i get to live with. i get to relive every small detail of the nonsense i put myself through in the first 4-5 months of the year and i get to play the biggest game of "what if?" or so i believe, but i'm slowly making my way out of that level of self doubt. it hasnt been easy, friends, believe me. it's not easy when you remember every detail vividly and you crave to have another chance at figuring out the reasons for why things ended up the way they did.

  then again, i'm more "comfortable" right now. undeniably so, actually. but i'd still trade a couple of days in the hospital with the knowledge i now possess for a chance at figuring out just what the hell happened to me. it's not like i have anyone i can turn to for a point of reference. all i've got is my self, my memories, and my gumption to figure my life out for my self by my self. well, not entirely by my self, but you get the idea. others are only as reliable as the level of responsibility which we assign them. right now, i'm not counting on anyone to do anything major for me, and what little income i'm generating is purposely being performed for lack of a better alternative (purposely cryptic), and most importantly, out of necessity. there are better days ahead of me, i know this for a fact.

  if the year ended today i would be thoroughly dissatisfied, but grateful. none of it would go beyond my life. or rather, i wouldnt even discuss sports or politics, or anything else, as reasons for my disappointment. i would be disappointed that i wasnt able to solve the mystery that led to my making 3 separate visits to the hospital on 5150 stays, or how i've come to realize that my parents literally intend to see me earn any help i ask of  them, versus say just giving it to me? just a thought, but i wont ramble on it, it's pointless. there's an arms length worth of distance which i must learn to maintain between my self and my "loved" ones, as loved as they may be in my heart. i guess it's only natural, which is why i mean what i've written with no remorse or sarcasm, just honesty. people have a strange way of thinking life is easy for one if they provide what simple assistance we sometimes ask of them. *chuckles* i'm certainly not asking for sympathy, but congrats to you if you can sympathize with me; i appreciate it.

  however, if i had to make a list of things for which i am grateful, it would be suitable. i'm very thankful for all of the love and support my family has provided me, even if at times it has been less than adequate (a fair assessment). who else could i trust to help me in my times of need this year? wait, dont answer that, it was a rhetorical question, because the answer is that i'd probably be living in a shelter right now receiving social security benefits while probably working for some random company.  a possible step up from my present situation? hard to imagine, even harder to argue, but suffice it to say it's a pointless endeavor entertaining the answer.

  i guess if i had to say i've learned anything from all that has happened is that i have to make my self the front and center of my life. right now i feel shackled by the fact i dont have a place to call my own, where i can unwind and be myself, unabashedly and without censors. i have a place that is adequate and it will have to do until something better can be arranged; i'm not complaining. i'm waiting on my financial aid for school to come in when i'll have some money to make some moves, but even said moves are not entirely well concieved. my plans have a strange way of always relying on someone else, which must change. all a boy wants is to grow weed and to sell it *cough* to the government for a profit, but i cant seem to find any takers. *shakes head* things work themselves out as they must, i must remember this.

  as for the game on my birfday...i think i'm going to just skip the search and take my brother to the game. or i might sell the tickets. or i'll give them away and just drive somewhere. i dont know. all i know is that this year has not turned out as i had hoped and i'm still reeling from everything. while i know going to the game is exactly what i should do, i dont know whom to take. i think i'll put something up on facebook and see who responds and then i'll go from there.

  in any case, i'm off to bed. have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and i want to be well rested for it. thanks for reading...

end of the month, the countdown begins...

  for those who dont know: my birfday (yes, i say birfday, not birthday) is august 1st. this means that beginning tomorrow the "official" countdown to my birfday begins. i get a whole month to figure out who i want to take to the ballgame that day versus the dodgers. i may even put up a call out on facebook to have someone help.

  the month of june wasnt particularly bad, and i'm happy to report i'm closer to achieving my goal of getting my cell phone back, especially since i have now accomplished getting my car back on the road. for all of the strange things that have happened to me these past couple of months, i'm glad that i've slowly mananged to put all of the pieces back together. once i get my phone back i can begin looking for a job, or at least i can begin texting friends and calling up acquaintances to better my relationships with them. in any case, i've got some good things to look forward to in the upcoming months.

  i made the decision that i will be going back to school in the fall, in spite of how poorly this past semester went, due to the nonsense of chasing "scarlett johansson" and my confusion over ESP and everything. in truth, i need to focus on my self, and after certain revelations and discoveries, i'm excited to finally be placing my self at the top of the totem pole. i think that in my search for greater answers i forgot that simply being my self and loving my self was the most important thing. not that i was trying to change my self for someone else, but more like i was hoping for an escape that was never there. and if it ever was, it seems to have disappeared.

  but that's now all behind me. i want to have the basic things i miss, and soon i will have them. since i'm officially registered for classes i will be getting 25% of my overall financial aid before my birfday and the rest will be given to me during the month of september, if i'm not mistaken. either way, it's some money in my pocket which i can look forward to.

  i also got recent news that an old friend will be moving back to our beloved city, which means i'll have another playmate with whom to get into good kinds of trouble. you've got to love how social networking sites now make it possible for us to remain in touch with old friends from all levels of education we have completed and attended. i'm just happy old friends remember me and wish to continue to keep me in their network, even if it's just an online network. truth be told, i enjoy not socializing too much right now, but i will look forward to being able to go out again, especially in order to meet new friends.

  i dont have much to share, but i've been contemplating a lot of things and enjoying the mental progress i've been making these past few weeks. things are going better with my folks and even though they're not perfect, i'm happy, which is what matters most. the main thing i'm happy is that i'm feeling more and more like my "old" self under my current medication, which is something that is of absolute importance to me. i want to feel goofy. i want to feel funny. i want to feel like the outgoing kid that i've always been.

  i think a part of my depression and sadness i've been feeling has been due to a lack of a true social life, and once i get my cell phone replaced next week things should get better. i'll be able to communicate with friends and stay in the social loop which i've fallen out of these past couple of weeks. not to mention, i'll have a certain sense of liberty which comes with having mobile access to others 24hrs a day. i think once i am back in school i will be completely happy because i'll at least have the opportunity to make new friends, and i'll also be able to maintain some of the old friendships i've established.

  anyway...that's about all i care to share for the evening. it's time for bed since it's already getting late and i dont want to sleep too much tomorrow...

edwin

in one big puff of smoke...

  it's been tough lately, friends.

  some days i wake up and i'm fully of spunk, but lately, since i've been consistently taking my meds, i've been waking up drowsy and now i've got allergies to deal with. ugh.

  something's gotta give. i'm trying to handle my busines with regards to finances in order to find the assistance i require so that i can survive the way i feel deserve. it hasnt been easy. i have to admit this was not the way i envisioned the year going when it began. a part of me is beginning to think that perhaps i have greater mental health issues than have been diagnosed, but that sounds like doubt creeping in, so i dont know what to believe. suffice it to say i know that i'm crazy, but i am only now beginning to realize that i might be crazier than i ever imagined.

  i'll admit that being without marijuana has definitely been affecting my moods, but i think it has more to do with the stress and anxiety i'm normally under, like everyone else. i'm not used to living in a sedated mindset. the prescribed medication is making me feel like i'm a zombie again, so i have to consult my doctor, or therapist at least, so that we can determine if i must continue to take them, and if so for how long? it's not enough to simply be taking the meds, they have to be right.

  even attempting to write at the moment, i feel like i'm not able to enjoy such a basic action or thought. the anxiety kicks in and i'm left to ponder why i began to write at all; it's killing me slowly. perhaps i should simply discontinue writing this post and focus my energies into going to bed. so much yawning cannot possibly be helping me right now.

  tomorrow we will get things done, like having the cops sign off on my fix-it ticket so i can go to the city to get it taken care of. i'd also like to apply for general assistance and speak with social security to see if i qualify for disability payments for my recently diagnosed condition. in any case, i have to find a way to generate income, because going back to work with my parnents under present circumstances is liable to throw me into the loony bin again. such unhappiness is intolerable, and it begins in the depths of my heart, the likes a "broken heart" could never match. i cant quite pinpoint just how sad i feel right now, and have felt for some time, but it's a paralyzing type of sadness. it renders me unable to think; certainly a humble philosopher could suffer no worse an illness.

  yeah, it's time for bed now, my friends... *yawn*

edwin

asking the right questions to figure things out makes me happy...

  this will be a quick entry, but should be in a much better mood than the last...

  so, i'm beginning to figure out some of the details behind this sordid adventure known simply as "mission scarlett johansson".

  first: i've been admitted into hospitals under the guise of "mental illness" because 1) it fits 2) it provides me a safe haven to "meet" said celebrity, since assuming i play my cards right i'll appear to be so crazy for her the doctors will have no other choice but to let me believe my delusion until she physically manifests herself.

  second: the police and EMT are so well versed with my being that they practically treat me like a celebrity. the problem is i keep changing my story from asking for scarlett johansson at the door step of a certain address to asking for nadiya kravets (an actual real life friend, mind you, i'm entirely bonkers) when i'm in the hospital. and here's the funny part: there are two nadiya kravets' listed in the phone book, but why wouldnt i simply ask nadiya for her phone number facebook? because i'm a coward, and because i've already contacted her and she said she'd give me a buzz the next time she was in town.

  this basically makes the mission easier. if, when i go to said address and ask for scarlett johansson i am met by police members who treat me exceptionally well, and am subsequently treated by EMT's who treat me exceptionally well, the missing piece of the puzzle is for me to have medi-cal so that none of this ends up costing me a dime. why someone would go through elaborate steps in order to have me meet them (a psychic delusion for skeptics, but a real life adventure to me) is beyond me, but i have to admit: now that i figured out what an "ED visit" to the hospital means, i realize i've been playing a game all along and didnt even know it.

  so, to recap: the past couple of months have been admittedly difficult and the only reason things havent been resolved sooner is because i refused to do my "homework" after each individual hospital visit, which has only caused my family grief, which they in turn have passed on to me. the part i dont understand is why i always end up without my cell phone and wallet when i get out of the hospital. if i need identification to be admitted into a hospital, why wouldnt said identification be returned to me upon completion of my hospital stay in 5150, another medical term i had to research in order to discover further secrets behind this tale.

  crazy all around, if you ask me, but i could SWEAR scarlett was in the hospital with me on one of the stays. they had set up different security officers during one of my hospital stays and i never even had the nerve to ask why? they kept a strange eye on my room at all times, too, which begged the question i simply refused to ask. how come i could hear the voice of the one celebrity i'm crazy (a relative term in this equation) for but i never got to see her? once i also SWEAR she was in the hall and i walked right past her with my eyes to the ground to kind of prove a point. i guess, looking back on it, i was being stupid the entire time. i thought i was playing it low-key and she probably thought i was mad at her, because i refused to acknowledge her presence. i can understand why that mistake would be made, but let me clarify: i am not mad about any of the things which have happened, i'm simply frustrated by my inability to solve this puzzle until now.

  this makes my next couple of weeks much easier to manage. i've got the world cup to entertain me, a birfday quickly approaching (August 1st) and absolutely all of the time in the world to figure out what to do in between. of course, my main thing is to go back to the address once i am able to, and then to figure things out with the police if they arrive again. i am better prepared to deal with them this time around, because ever since the second or third visit, they've kind of gotten that i'm slightly afraid of them for consistently appearing out of the blue (no pun intended). it's to the point that when they show up they're asking me questions that are rhetorical and i've yet to figure out the answers. all i can conclude is that scarlett johansson is the BIGGEST prankster ever and this is the longest episode of "Punk'd" ever. as if she's testing my might to see just how badly i want to meet her.

  well, imagine if you were in my shoes, as crazy as the following description may sound: 1) you love smoking weed and it somehow unlocks certain ESP powers you never knew you possessed 2) you suddenly discover, via psychic means that a certain celebrity might be crazy in love with you and you believe this (totally a movie script, which i could turn into millions, but it gets better) 3) you decide for your self that you are going to see said mission through until the very end 4) each time you try and make progress you end up having to deal with the cops and then go to the hospital 5) each time said cops and medical personnel begin to treat you much nicer as if they're in on something you have no clue about (at least this is your perception, some would call this a manic episode or a delusion, but that's part of your bi-polar diagnosis so it's okay) 6) after ruminating on EVERY THING that has happened to you since the end of march until now you FINALLY discover that this is all a game... wouldnt you continue one said mission?

  i'm telling you all that i will eventually be vindicated. hell, having just today discovered what an ED (emergency department) visit means, i'm like a million times happier. as in, i know i can act a fool once i get my medi-cal card, because i have every right to, and once i get it i'll explain to my family the purpose of my condition: to meet scarlett johansson.

  of course, the job of the cops is to tell me she doesnt live where i presume she lives. the point of the medical technicians is to get me to a safe haven, and the point of the doctors is to treat me like i'm crazy until i stand up for my rights and demand that i be treated respectfully, because those are my rights, goddamnit. there's a game that's happening and i'm not playing by the rules.

  people, i have seen subliminal messaging and it exists. i'm CRAZY! ha ha ha, it has never felt so good to write such words. i've jokingly said them out loud, but it's the absolute truth. now i get it. i'm so crazy for scarlett johansson that i accidentally stumbled upon her secret means of communicating: the psychic means. and i can thank the undying love i've always felt for my friend nadiya kravets for all of this. she basically told me she's not in love with me but that she loves me. it made me laugh to read. at the same time, i dont understand why she doesnt write me more? i mean, i write way too much, and i've been leaving her alone because she says she's been "busy" and whatnot, so you can't blame me for not trying, she's asking me to keep my correspondences short and i'm too scared to tell her directly what i've been working on.

  i think it's best that i keep this whole thing to my self as i'm learning i should. there's a method to my madness i'm only now discovering. basically, stay patient and cover my p's and q's, then act when i'm able to, but act with a purpose. this means i'll have to delay further visits to the address until i decide i know who to ask for, or until i have my medi-cal card and i'm officially covered for any and all hospital visits. the problem is that i shut down when i'm "in the moment" but that's now easily remedied, because, as i've now covered, i'm in on the game.

  so, game on, i say, and we'll see who gets the last laugh. it also provides me with the necessary motivation to rectify the problem of having gained 20 pounds while in the hospital for the second time. of course, if the clues i've received have been any indication, my weight gain has translated nicely on to my frame. let's just say someone reminded me that my personality and manner of being are sexy enough, without giving away the entire story. no sex was involved, mind you we were stuck in the hospital together, but she did every thing to reassure me that i was on the right path and that she was going to try and help me when the time is right.

  i now get what i have to do. i have to explain things to my family so they are able to help me acheive my happiness. i have to play by their rules in order to obtain said help. i have to be a "good boy" if you will. of all these things, i am capable. it energizes me to figure out that all along i've been unaware of this game, but i am committed to winning it, because i play for keeps.

  i told my self i was fully committed to seeing this thing through, and by god, it will happen. i'm feeling better than ever, my friends, we can say the prodigal son has returned! woo-hoo, this is going to be a fun next couple of weeks, now that i understand the purpose behind what happened to me and the greater purpose of what i must now do moving forward in order to finally meet my beloved scarlett johansson.

  as the saying goes, he who laughs last laughs best, and i've been storing up weeks worth of laughter so that when things finally get cleared up and i'm vindicated, i will be laughing for the rest of my days. i've always dreamed on the biggest scale and figuring out the small details behind the story of my life the past couple of months only makes me further believe the dreams which stem from the wildest parts of my imagination. marriage, babies, and growing up? sure, i'll take all of them once the time is right and the right person comes along into my life. who knows when i'll finally have the right arrangement to meet her, but it will happen, my friends, and when it finally does, i'll be happy.

  of course, as a back-up, let's assume that i never meet her, then i'm perfectly happy knowing i'm smart enough on my own to go to school and make something of my self. i am perfectly capable of obtaining a degree in civil engineering and pursuing my wildest personal dreams and ambitions as i've always intended. so there is a plan A = crazy nonsense, but true and a plan B = go to school and be somebody (rational). i can live with either option, now that my mindset is getting better.

  thanks for reading!

edwin

a turn for the worse...

  as of this reading things are not going well.

  i'm thisclose to being put out of my own parents house for refusing to stay with my mouth shut accepting their measly assistance. as has been chronicled in this space, i've been through a lot in the past couple of months and have spent time in the hospital for the better part of 5 of the past 10 weeks. even writing about all of it has been hard.

  now it seems i may have to make a return visit to the hospital in order to remedy this entire ordeal. i'm at my wits end of being with my family and i dont know what else to do. long story short, i dont think i'll be writing any updates for a little while, be it for a direct or indirect reason. i just thought i'd write an update here in order to keep those who read this in the know about my possible whereabouts this upcoming weekend.

  if you have any questions, please feel free to email (coreas.edwin@gmail.com) to me, because i dont have any other means of being contacted at the moment...

edwin

the heart grows fonder...

  if it can be said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, then some of my best friends must be really missing me right now. as in, as soon as i get a cell phone again and i am able to reconnect with the world i should have some good news waiting for me. or at least, i believe this.

  sometimes belief trumps everything. hell, it's the reason why i sat through watching both the first and second installments of "the matrix" trilogy, even though i'd already seen them and the only one i have yet to see is the third. it's the reason why i'm contemplating watching the third one tonight AFTER i'm done writing this (1:33am PDT) so late. belief is everything to me, my friends, and my belief in my self is quite strong.

  sure, it can be said, and it will later on be written, that this is the absolute lowest of lows that i have ever experienced in my life, so shouldnt it follow that the sweet hereafter will soon be upon me? *shrugs* you're talking to a writer who is half-sauced (drunk) off some swigs of bacardi silver from a secret stash which was ordered almost one year ago. that's how long the bottle has been in my possession and i havent finished it. that's how long i am capable of denying my self the basic joys and pleasures which most people take for granted. that's how long this confusion has existed in my brain; and it's especially how long i've suffered from grand delusions. in short, it's the reason and being for my existence. sure, the previous sentence seems jumbled, but it isnt.

  when you're a megalomaniac who "suffers" from mania, every day is just an exercise preparing you for the next. i take my medication because i'm told it's necessary for my progress. i see my self progressing on to bigger and better things, but right now i have to take baby steps. as mentioned before, my life's work is ongoing and proving einstein's theory of relativity has both it's perks and drawbacks, with my present situation being but a simple speed bump accentuated by its severity and timing. never doubt me, however. it's exactly where i like to be placed, as an after thought.

  i know certain things, but it can mostly be said that i know every thing about my self. i'll be sure to keep this shorter than you can anticipate, but suffice it to say that i am thoroughly convinced of the "delusions" from which i suffer, and while i have been explicitly disappointed to this point, it has not been without a reason. people tell me things epexcting me to react. my friends, i already know how this is all going to end. it ends with my name in lights and people thanking me for never giving up. if it must pass that i should suffer at the moment, i am strong enough to understand that it is for a reason, a much greater reason than i could ever hope to express, in writing or otherwise.

  believe me when i tell you that i will have my day in the sun and it wont cost me a thing, this story is far from over...

edwin

a movie pirate is born under pressure...

  the above trailer is for this year's (2010) oscar winner for best feature film, "the hurt locker". i normally dont have much good to say with the academy's selection for best picture, but this year i was left speechless. this movie grabs you by the throat from the opening frame and it does not let you go until long after you have finished watching it. it's essentially about a game of cat-and-mouse between the guys in charge of putting out the bombs and the guys who make them, with an excellent story woven into the fabric.

  i dont want to ruin anything about this movie, but i did want to admit that i downloaded the torrent and watched it for free. maybe it's too much information to share, but i've always prided myself for being honest.

  the past couple of days i've been figuring out the whole downloading torrents thing and have been amassing a small supply of them. i figure i have limited hard drive space until i get money to buy DVD-R's onto which i can then transfer said films. besides, i only want to keep the truly good ones on my computer and i'll undo myself of the rest.

  case in point, i downloaded both versions (1951) and (2010) of alice in wonderland, but i only plan on keeping one on my hard drive. take a guess which it is going to be? i'm an old school kid at heart and have always found the original disney version of the film to be perfect with the way it describes mr carroll's story. i love the addition of the caterpillar as well, which doesnt exist in the text. i simply found the script to the new version to be a little unsatisfactory. perhaps they could have turned it into two films and done a complete reimagining, but maybe the studio was too afraid it would end up losing money? i can't imagine why, since this is exactly the subject matter with which tim burton usually shines.

  for the record: i did enjoy the new version of the film, and after reading many of the reviews and criticisms of the film, i have to say all of the negative pub was dead on. the film was not absurd enough and the creatures were insufficiently scary for how tame they were made to be with a gentle touch by our beloved alice. i guess it speaks more to the magic of the feminine touch than anything else.

  ...

  i just cant get roberto carlos' "detalles" out of my head. the lyrics go on and on in my head and i cant get them out. i guess there are worse things to feel.

  went to dinner with my older brother, rafael, to hometown buffet. my family has this thing for buffet's people, so i always end up holding court in conversation while everyone gets their grub on. i'm never one to be left behind at the table, but i always make sure to not eat too much. or at least, i make sure to enjoy every bite i take. it's always a special event when my older brother and i go to dinner. in fact, we had a pretty serious conversation concerning brotherhood that could have reduced me to tears had i not previously considered the point we ended up discussing.

  he asked me if i believed the four of us (abel, raf, myself, and eric, in our respective order) would ever be close. i told him i had my doubts, but that it was out of my hands. i told him that for me i would always be a part of their lives, because it is exactly how i'm wired, but i didnt have the heart to tell him that perhaps no one wants the four of us to be close. maybe we're all too individually spirited that we just cant get along together for more than just special occassions, and even that is a stretch.

  one problem is that my oldest brother, abel, lives in arizona and he has completely decided to make his own life away from the main family unit. as i told raf, "i dont blame him". i confessed to him that i dont really like our parents. it's a fact that i've had to live with which i had never wanted to admit to myself. truth be told, i'm not geared to love them the way they want, and they're not wired to support me the way that i ask. it's strange, because they remain a motivating factor for me to succeed in my life, but it's more to succeed in spite of them and not as a result of them. can't really explain it beyond saying that i've always felt a bit detached from my family, and i've always felt like a bit of a loner because of it. this doesnt stop me from making friends or from being social, but the more i grow older and i look at my self, the more i realize i'm living a lie.

  i told raf the plans i have for my self, which are basically to find the right situation to move out on my own, then to start growing weed for the government while working a basic nine to five if i chose i wanted one. he translated it as i want to be a bum, which made me laugh, because i dont see it that way. i want to live an old school lifestyle because i dont feel wired for the pursuit of material satisfaction as he and my family do. so what if i only end up owning a 2004 toyota corolla and not some sexy sports car? so what if i dont buy new clothes for my self for some time? what importance is it to me if i dont make a million dollars in the next 20 years? all i know is that there is a lot of money to be made in crops, and that i believe money is on its way out anyway.

  i believe in the zeitgeist movement and what the films talk about. money is evil and our lives revolve around lies. with that being said, what are my motivating factors to get out of bed in the morning? to make my self and others happy are all i can think of, but right now i'm not even capable of this. i'm essentially stuck in purgatory after all that has happened. i cant provide for my self and my family is only able to provide me with the most basic care, all of which was available to me in the hospital. of course, had i not made mention of anything, i would probably still be there. in either case...*sigh*

  i was telling raf (short for rafael) over dinner that we would soon be getting to the age when we would begin wanting to have a family. he told me that he has already begun to have thoughts about it, and i told him that i wasnt far behind him. however, my main question (as usual i have questions), to my self, is where to start? it's a universal question, i suppose, but i'm different because i'm a megalomaniac. i suffer from grand delusions. for christ's sake, i've been hospitalized consistently these past two months for believing that i was after scarlett johansson and that she loves me. turns out it was all one big joke on me, only i havent laughed yet. sounds like i was punk'd.

  even nadiya came up over dinner, and i almost told him i was over it. i mean, i'm literally thisclose to just saying fuck it to every thing, but i cant do that. at least, not yet. *shakes head* if it can be said that all of this has been one big joke, well, i'm not laughing. have yet to, actually, at least not with regards to the intent in which said joke is probably meant.

  in fact, i even have a song picked out for the occassion.



  it's called "cry for you" by september. i never really knew the name of the song until i decided to search the lyrics just as i was writing this. my gay lover, virgil, gave me over a thousand songs and this was part of his personal collection which didnt have track names included, so i had to uncover the title and artist on my own, even though i was familiar with said song. it's a beautiful song really, with the hook being perfect "you'll never see me again/so now who's going to cry for you". can be dedicated to just about anyone.

  if you ask me, i'll take my manic days over any "normal" days. i honestly have no clue what that word, normal, means any more. normal isnt a state of my mind, it isnt a setting, and it certainly is not a way of life. is it normal that i can turn my sleep switch on and off? is it normal for me to believe in ESP while doctors try to convince me that i'm not? why do i have so many unanswered questions? i swear to god all of this is frustrating enough to drive one mad. nothing sounds better than roaming the streets of san francisco, either. i'd rather be like st francis of assisi and wander the streets.

  i watched "pulp fiction" again today and it made me think a lot about what it means to "walk the earth" as samuel l. jackson's character famously tells john travolta's character. "i'm going to walk until god puts me where he wants me" to paraphrase the explanation. "and if it takes forever" is the retort "then i will walk forever" is the response. goddamn them for seducing me into the building and then having me remove my most comfortable shoes. good thing i can always buy another pair online once i have the money.

  it's getting late. 2:42am as of this writing. i dont even know what i'm going to do with my self tomorrow after i get done helping my parents clean the house. some days i feel like i want to stay in bed all day. which reminds me of the movie "what's eating gilbert grape".



  this movie features two young heartthrobs known as johnny depp and leonardo dicaprio. juliette lewis does an excellent job of helping us to determine what in fact IS eating at gilbert grape. it's love, baby, just love. you see, gilbert loves his family so much he is having a hard time focusing on him self. not ruining anything about the movie by saying this, just saying is all. but i highly recommend the film, because it definitely reminded me a lot of my self.

  and i guess, therein lies the rub, as shakespeare famously wrote. the rub is that all cultural expressions are rooted in love and i never learned to love my self. this goes beyond the topic of masturbation, this goes to the issue of love itself in an unbiased and unconditional form. i guess i would argue that i love my self so much it's hard for me to leave my family. or am i confusing every thing again? i guess i'd better get some sleep, because there arent any angels who are going to visit me tonight, or in the near future, in order to help me to settle this issue.

  some days, i do wish i could wake up in the hospital...

edwin