checking in from el salvador...

* it finally happened for me: i got to come back home for the holidays after 14 years. plus, after being in shock for 5 days, i woke up crying out of sheer happiness and fear that my paternal grandfather may not be alive (a real possibility), and the fact that i miss my favoritest auntie of all time (she passed in '98, tragically, too). it all had been bottled up for so long, it finally exploded and i'm glad i was man enough to let it all out.

* i'm being taken care of by family friends and they have done an excellent job of taking me out and showing me their daily lives, which compares to mine, except the part where i'm disabled and dont have to work for a living. i even got a trim to even my hair style to better compliment my face. sometimes, women have the best advice, especially a trio, ha ha ha. AND they convinced me to trim the goatee and so i think i'm just going to shave tomorrow or friday and be done with facial hair for a while. or maybe i'll keep the goatee short-short a la colin kaepernick, ha ha ha.

* i'm fighting a minor cold, but it's not a big deal, it hasnt affected my travels. it didnt stop me from visiting the ruins of my beloved home land. i learned A LOT about my ancestors and it even inspired me to decide to get an archaeology degree to go with my computer technician degree. truth is, i dont want to remain in the states my whole life. i want to retire in my native land and raise kids that arent brain-washed or put under so much pressure. i want to have properties in both of my homes (SF, antiguo cuscatlan) to be able to have a place to come and go, and it seems like it's realistic possibility within 5-10 years. all thanks to the powers that be...

* i've been sweating it up out here, loving the humidity and heat. the parties have been off the hook, too, with everyone being friendly and saying hi to me, even though they dont know who i am. it's kind of a custom here to say hi to your neighbors and people you pass along the street, so i fit right in, it's kind of like san francisco in that regard.

anyway, i just wanted to take the time to jot some notes down to share with y'all, thanks for reading!!!

edwin the penguin...

|\...to nadiya kravets.../|

|\...i doubt you will ever read this, but here goes nothing...

* when we first met i was just a boy trapped in a man's body, with a girlfriend who loved me, but you didnt seem to mind. we became friends and i thought that someday you would deliver on the promise you made when i pushed for further intimacy.

  as usual, that promise was broken, but i'm not upset, nor am i here to discuss that. i just want to wish you farewell and to say what i need to say in a space that will allow me to do so. writing has always been a strong suit of mine and i'm trying to get back to it, because it is a form of therapy that helps me immensely.

* i sent you a message last night saying that you are and will always be the woman of my dreams and that i hope you find eternal happiness, but i doubt you'll respond. you have your usual 3 days to respond.

* i never knew one could love someone without ever having sex with them, but that's exactly what has happened to my heart. i love you, have always loved you, and will always continue to love you; i just cant help it. but once your three days are up, we are no longer friends, or acquaintances, or anything anymore.

  i realize you moved on with your life many moons ago, that you had a plan for your self this whole time and that you never had any intentions of breaking my heart. this all happened on its own and because i desired it (heartbreak). however, now i am a grown man and i must put away childish notions.

* so, to conclude, i too WILL move on and i will find someone who will appreciate all that i have to offer, especially my million dollar smile, which hasnt been the same since you left. either way, it doesnt matter anymore, because we stopped being friends a LONG time ago.

sincerely,

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...back from tijuana.../|

|\...and boy was it a good trip.

* i think my dad and i are going to be alright. i just have to remember that he's still reeling from the loss of his brother (may he rest in peace) and then we'll eventually have our heart-to-heart, man-to-man. dont ask me how this development came about, just know that the setting was perfect when the realization hit me. beautiful girls were everywhere, that's all i'll say, ha ha ha.

* being in mexico reminded me of being in el salvador (NOT the same thing, but play along) where all i do is speak spanish all day and am treated like a privileged guest. i dont get that sort of treatment here in the states, except when i visit specific friends, which are few and far between. i like it, though, because it shows who truly knows how to value a friendship. my new friend, anina, is one of those people, and even though she will probably never read this, i just wanted to give her a shout out, since there are people out there reading my blog and NOT commenting, ha ha ha. i guess that's part of being a voyeur, right?

* got my teeth cleaned, bought 2 pairs of shades, and some other things while in mexico and made out like a bandit, thanks to my mom. i got a little something-something i hope to take a photo in shortly and i'll upload it to my facebook account (www.facebook.com/edwin.coreas). it involves the giants and i'm very happy with my purchase.

* i just wanted to take time to scribble some things down, but i dont have much to say, other than could any of you who are reading my blog and popularizing it please comment on one of my entries one of these days. the hit counter doesnt make itself tick, ya know, ha ha ha.

anyway, time for bed, i'm tired, even though i didnt do any driving.

* oh yeah: FINALLY watched tron:legacy and thought it was good. it wasnt great, just good. i'd recommend it to a friend, but i wouldnt pay to watch it...

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...OFFICIALLY RETIRED!!!.../|

|\...i just wanted to share with everyone that i am now OFFICIALLY retired, according to the federal government of the united states. i will be receiving my benefits and will continue to receive assistance to manage my condition of bipolar. i am VERY excited that this is all over and that i no longer have to worry about the case, but i still have some prevailing questions with specific regards to things that happened to me during the past three years. i have come to accept, however, that i might never receive an explanation for said things and i am perfectly find with this, as long as the system continues to take care of me as it is designed to do.

all i can say is "whew" and wipe the sweat off my brow. i had the support of my close family present on friday, and my mom even broke into tears once the decision was made final. it is strange to report that a freaky sense of calm entered my body as we entered the room, as if the "voices" wanted me to know that everything was gonna be alright.

* i wont discuss any money figures publicly, but i will say that i will have enough to survive when both the state and the federal money starts rolling in, and i'll be able to FINALLY visit my beloved motherland of el salvador once my case manager and i decide what is best for me. there is talk of me entering a 90-day residential treatment program, which would be great for me to stack my paper, as they say on the streets, as well as to continue making improvements with my recovery of having bipolar.

  i have plans to write short stories as memoirs about some of the things i endured while in a "manic" state, so stay tuned for that, but in the meantime, i'm just going to enjoy having a little cash in my pocket. i've been broke for so long, i've gotten used to it, and this has helped to humble me to TRULY appreciate everything my family has done for me. i wouldnt be the same man without them and i owe them a HUGE debt of gratitude. i know that with time we will all come back together stronger than ever before, but my step-father still needs time to get through what he is going through. he's having a hard time and i want to give him his time and space to heal. i have confidence that we can build a friendship in due time.

* since i've been med-compliant for the past 3 months, i feel the difference from not being med-compliant. i feel more relaxed, but my anxiety remains consistent, regardless of whether i take my meds. it's the small ways i measure my mental illness that will help me to learn to live with it in the long-run, and i am determined to "beat" it.

  i'm not going to lie: feeling manic is AMAZING, but it's not healthy and it doesnt usually lead me anywhere, except into the hospital for days at a time where i'm forced to do what i should normally be doing on my own, which is to take care of my self. there is no reason for me to suffer through any of this if i simply follow my doctors' orders.

  and since soon i'll have residency in my beloved san francisco, i'll get to join the healthcare system run by the city called "healthy san francisco". i'll even have medi-Cal AND medi-Care as back-ups. this is all exciting because i'm not used to having health care, ha ha ha, and now i'll have triple-coverage, but i dont plan on ever going back to a hospital unless it's for a check-up or to do volunteer work on behalf of the americans with disabilities act (ADA). i want to see if i can join their ranks to work within a non-profit to raise awareness of the mental illnesses that a lot of us face alone. i want to give something back to the community now that i'm being taken care of. oh, i am such a bleeding heart kind of guy, it's going to kill me some day.

*  anyway, i just wanted to share the good news and i hope everyone reading this is well, even though none of you leave comments or send me messages, ha ha ha, i appreciate your following my blog. i'll try and write more often...

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...living on the edge of the tenderloin.../|

|\...seems like everyone is worried about my living at the baldwin house hotel on 6th st on the outskirts of the tenderloin except me. i want to keep my computer so i can draft my players sunday for fantasy football and stay up to the week with my team, but i have a difficult decision to make.

  i know once i get over my initial fears of them robbing my apartment, i'll come to a logical conclusion, it just requires time. i'm leaning towards keeping it, because i'm gangsta enough to deal with the supposed hardasses who loiter the area. NO ONE has ever fucked with me, and i dont think my karma has it in store for someone to start with me now.

* i spent the afternoon airing out my apartment. seems like the previous resident didnt like to have the window open while chainsmoking cigarettes. going to clean the grimy place from top to bottom tomorrow with my mom before she heads back down to tijuana for some more dental work. poor mom, she cant catch a break right now, but i keep reminding her to take it slow and that things will progress one way or another.

  things come in cycles and i know that good things are coming my way, i just have to let them develop and then i'll be in a MUCH better place.

* i can feel the progress i made at "the avenues". i'm staying on my meds this time and will see what the court decides on the 21st of september, to see if they'll OFFICIALLY retire me after 3 years of dealing and learning to manage my bipolar diagnosis. i'm less in denial and more in belief that everything has happened for a reason. my attorneys continue to assure me that my case will be resolved in my favor one way or the other, and my doctor in sacramento even slipped that IF THE supreme court agrees to hear my case, then i'll be put before them. i know she didnt stutter, either. i'll keep you guys posted.

  in the meantime, i plan on scouring the city for all of the cool spots and even riding the muni to get out of the apartment. part of the reason why i want to keep my laptop is because it is such a tool for me to be able to entertain my self, even without internet. we'll see, it's not like it's an algebraic equation, ha ha ha.

* anyway, that is all for now, i thank those of you who have been following my blog and continue to provide me with pageviews. they mean a lot to me, even though they are so small in number. good to know i have "followers"/"fans" out there that support my little blog. one love!

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...further updates.../|

|\...so, i'm still at the house on the avenues, but my parents are out of town because my dad had a minor medical emergency which required attention and medical care in the states is a bitch. thankfully, we have a family friend in tijuana who can hopefully fix him right up, but i wont know how long they will be gone, so i've got to survive on the help of my cousin and my brother, rafael. i think i'll be all right, ha ha ha...

*  i'm both excited and nervous about the upcoming football season. i'm excited that alex smith has some legitimate weapons and will have fewer excuses for not being productive inside the red zone, but i'm also worried they're going to let us all down. this is natural.

  i'm also worried for new indianapolis colts quarterback andrew luck. i hope the kid finds his rhythm early and wins a couple of games to keep the franchise honest. i dont think anyone will think less of him if he struggles out of the gate, though, it's going to be hard to repeat the rookie campaign put up by cam newton, who incidentally took me to the fantasy football championship last year, but we'll see.

  if anything, i have a strong feeling robert griffin III might be the one to repeat the season cam newton put up last year, but we'll see. both rookies WILL be feeling the pressure every week to be good fast.

*  both my case manager through UCSF and the counselors at the avenues are working on getting me an emergency single room occupancy (SRO) in a hotel, but nothing has been secured yet. i'm confident that in the following week i will hear news not only about the SRO but about my disability, which i hope to be ample enough to survive on. i have no idea how much they're planning on giving me, but i have plans to survive on any amount and as usual i can count on the help of my family, so i'm going to be fine.

   it's just so weird to be moving in such a positive direction after going around in what seemed like negative circles for so long.

  i've also decided that i must stop smoking cannabis for the time being, of which will be a minimum of 6 months. i have too much on my plate and i dont want to ruin the progress i've made by falling back into a familiar pattern. i dont think this should be difficult, just as long as i'm committed to sobriety.

  beyond that, i dont have much to report. i'm feeling positive at the avenues and i have a strong faith that things will continue to get better for me as time passes.../|


edwin the penguin

|\...living la vida homeless…/|

|\...for those of you who dont know, my parents and i got into an argument late june which was unrelated to my last post about her. long story short, i spent 23 days in the hospital in sacramento grieving the loss of my uncle (RIP) and getting my head straight.

  fast forward to her birfday (july 26th) and we made our peace, or at least have begun to. she bought me some things i needed for my birfday, which was unfortunately spent in the hospital as well. i've since moved into a half-way house in the avenues and am waiting for them to figure out what they're going to do with me, but i'm firmly determined to lay my roots in THE city, and i think i'll be able to successfully accomplish this.

* for the record, i AM homeless, but i am receiving mail at two different addresses. i like where i'm staying now and today was the first day i was allowed to leave the house on my own without supervision. the other residents are nice and i'm trying to get my sleep schedule back on time.

  i dont know what else to add at the moment, but i wanted to take the time to check in with you guys to let you know i'm doing alright. the universe is taking care of me, like it always has, and i'm confident that in a short period of time i will make a shit load of progress. keep checking in for updates and thanks for reading.../|

edwin the penguin

|\...hey, mom, FUCK YOU!!!.../|

|\...not exactly the first thing you think when you think of a mom, but i have my reasons for saying it.

* first off, this bitch thinks i owe her something, and she claims it isnt all the money she's "wasted" on me. HA, if that bitch only knew how many times i had millionaires lined up waiting to work with she and i in order to build their "network marketing" schemes. stupid bitch turned me down each and every time. i'm telling you, i have my reasons.

* people wonder WHY i hate money? it's like they say in the streets: money makes people act funny. once niggas/bitches see that paper they start salivating at the mouth like one of pavlov's dogs. personally, i HATE money, despise it, cant stand it. wish the world would find a less destructive way to  do commerce.

  of course, it MUST be reiterated that i am NOT a born "american". i am not a gringo like the rest of y'all who have NO IDEA what it's like to "make it" somewhere. i've had to fight since i first came to this damn country back in '86. i've had to kick ass in classes with kids who were better funded and trained than my self. i literally would crawl out of bed, go through my morning routine with my eyes closed, sleep in the car on the way to work, and THEN open them when i reached school. it's part of your training process as a philosopher, but only we know what we're doing.

  i had so much fun in school just being me, not giving a fuck about what anybody said. it was NO COINCIDENCE that i spent my better days in high school getting high and fucking all day. i knew i'd EARNED that right to fuck off, because i didnt want to wait 'til college to burn the candle at both ends. when you're like me, you see the pin before the sound waves hit your ears. in other words, you're ALWAYS ahead. it's a game of purposely trailing in order to steal the win at the end. or in spanish, "ahi viene el tiburon!(here comes the shark!)"you never notice the damn thing until it's right on you, and they do that shit by design.

   just a partial reason why the great white shark is my favorite water creature. penguins are my favorites of all time, if you didnt know.

* as some of you will guess, i got into another argument with my folks this morning. my fucking mom came out of the wood works swinging and i had to level her with my honest words. i told her to her face that i'm leaving and she's never seeing me again. i mean it this time. i've finished peeping her game and i've come to the conclusion that i was right all along. my mom sold out her values a LONG time ago. in fact, since she was her fathers favorite, she NEVER had traditional salvadorian values.

  my mom approaches everything from a point of fear because she never learned how to be tough. i, on the other hand, have been dealing with being given the short end of the stick every time i deserved to be rewarded. i noticed a long time ago how she loves spending money on others but will undoubtedly turn me down whenever i ask for any minimal amount. to her, i'm just an expenditure which can be written off elsewhere. she substituted quality time with trips to parks and rivers and lakes, which are NOT the same. as a young boy who had to deal with growing up with no real father figure in my developmental years, i developed a series of games that she never quite learned to navigate because she CHOSE to not go to school. thus, by design she was already "behind" in my "simple" game.

  my entire life has been spent trying to help educate someone who has clearly demonstrated a lack of interest in bettering her self. her world is retail therapy and thinking of whom she can buy with her latest offering, claiming she's "religious" (mormon) and believes in god. bitch, PLEASE! we ALL see right through you. you disguise it as charity, but you always want something in return, instead of giving it freely. or, she prefers to play mind games pretending to be "shy", when we ALL already know about "shy" bitches. shy bitches are the WORST, and my mom is the worst woman i know in many regards.

  i wont discuss how she mind fucks my dad, because that is their relationship, but i will continue to roast her because she has earned my ire.

  she thinks that because i'm agreeing to take my medication and am "behaving" that all is well, but it is not, and it hasnt been for some time. i've been VERY upset with both my parents for a while, because neither demonstrates the capacity to care about me. they show that they care how my actions will reflect upon them, which is pure bollocks. either way, i dont hate them, i'm just disappointed with the way they expect me to be when i've always been my self my whole life.

* time to watch the euro's, i wish france had a decent chance to upset spain...

|\...somedays.../|

|\...somedays, i wonder out loud but the answers make no sense. out loud, i wonder "why?" and i'm welcomed with an emptiness that is both hollow and satisfying.

* every day is a journey forward and back. some days i dont know whether i'm coming or going, but i know i'm in motion, and that's enough for me. i cant judge anyone, let alone make complete sense of my situation, so i medicate whenever possible to help me deal with my situation. the calm it brings is something i desire daily, but my loved ones find it hard to understand.

* somedays, i wonder out loud, and i'm welcomed with an emptiness that is both hollow and satisfying. i just want to understand the endgame and have this all come to an end.../|

edwin the penguin

|\...celebrating a year of life.../|

|\...for those who dont know, a year ago today i tried to commit suicide. thankfully, i survived and the past year has been full of nice surprises, along with the usual doldrums that are to be expected. i didnt realize that this anniversary coincided with the release of "the avengers", featuring my "future wife" scarlett johansson. it was such a pleasure to wait for 6hrs just to get the "perfect" seat. i sat in seat 9 (my favorite number) of my row, which was the perfect row for viewing purposes.

* on a side note, my stupid ex, whom i used to refer to as "cookie", is OFFICIALLY dead to me. she tried to act like she didnt know who the fuck i was when she passed by me at the metreon. if you're reading this, you fucking cunt/slag, FUCK YOU! i'll say it again, FUCK YOU! stupid bitch was trying to play me like a dumb nigga.

  as i told my mom, i would recognize that bitch in the dark, and she tried to act like i was some street nigga trying to make a pass at her. bitch please, you wish i'd give you some of this dick all over again. i was the one who taught you how to suck and fuck, quit playing, bitch! of course, this is all due to the fact she was with whom i can only assume is her "boyfriend" and probably has a shitty relationship to the point she can't associate with me publicly for fear of her insecure nigga getting feelings like he's threatened by me. bitch, please, you talking to a pimp. i dont give a fuck about your fucking mind games, i'm a master! anyway, enough of that bitch, she dont deserve paragraphs, that bitch is stupid. and all at once i remembered why i dumped her.

* "the avengers" is worth watching again, and i'll find a way to see it on someone else's dime, someway, somehow. joss whedon (director) really shined and made the movie a worthwhile event. my nigga luigi bought my ticket weeks ago when they released a link on facebook. was gonna ask to see the 3D one, but remembered that it's just a fad that will soon pass.

  the crowd was perfect for the midnight screening and we were not disappointed. a lot of people dressed up as characters from the movie (tired concept), but i went as a character SO obscure, only true internet geeks knew who i was. i put on my homestarruner t-shirt and my strawberry beanie and only ONE nigga knew who i was. then again, i didnt do it for the fame, i did it subconciously, and because it had been years sine i wore the shirt.

* need to find out if my nigga daniel molina still has connections with the metreon. he was the manager for a while, until i lost touch with him. i'll try and find him through facebook, assuming he has a facebook page.

* my dad gave me his blessing to drink his "aguardiente" called "tic-tack". my mom made some mexican chocolate drink and i poured in the liquor. needless to say, it was DELICIOUS. even gave me a minor buzz, but it was enough to feel smooth.

  dad an i were watching an old "picardia" film from mexico called "acapulco gigolo" featuring my nigga "el caballo". it was a good movie and reminded me that latino cinema has a lot of hidden gems to offer. he even found a movie with my favorite of that genre, rafael inclan. that guy is THE BOMB and ALWAYS gets the girl. of course, movies are scripted that way, but you get the feeling the guy is a stud and doesnt know it, ha ha ha.

* anyway, just wanted to write something down just to say i did it today. all day i've been celebrating my day of having survived my suicide attempt and it's been a hell of a day. i'm so proud i made it through another year. the rest of the year is going to be as legendary as it has been thus far. i have a lot of good things to look forward to and i'm excited to see them happen. i thank the powers of the universe for blessing me with so many positive things, including an amazing family that genuinely loves me. i am the straw that stirs the drink, and i never disappoint...

warmly,

edwin.../|

|\...reminiscing about being on lockdown in co co county jail.../|

|\...well, the first thing i want you to keep in mind is that i WANTED to be locked up, and i MADE the police come get me. that's all i'll say to preface the following, it's all that matters...

* i remember being in a holding cell first, before they would even consider putting me in with the other inmates. i remember them taking the hand cuffs off me and letting me disrupt their "module" as they referred to it. i was loud, obnoxious, rude, and even vulgar, to the point that eventually 5 deputies had to come and subdue me from the prolonged noise session i'd initiated.

  i remember them being extremely aggressive whenever they decided to get physical with me. the twisted my arms hard to the point i felt like they might break them, but my signs of weakness were mostly for show, since it's never a "fair" fight when 5 deputies have to come restrain you in order to move you to the next holding cell. you have to keep one thing in mind as you read this: "they" wanted a production, and that's exactly what i gave "them".

  from holding cell one i was moved across the hall to another holding cell where cuffs were put around my ankles and i couldnt move around freely as in the first cell. long story short, an inmate told me that the deputies were holding me as an example of a "certified crazy man" which in turn was scaring the rest of the inmates. the one who decided he was brave enough, which is to say unafraid of me, was given the opportunity to feed me, like it was a great honor. i gave him a dap (fist bump) to let him know i approved of his courage. i distinctly remember needing to pee and asking a female deputy and she pointed at the vented square hole a good 10 feet away from me, as she said "you can go there", which had to be a joke. so, without even thinking about it, i pulled my zipper down, aimed for the vented entry way and proceeded to spray piss in a large oval puddle. shortly thereafter, two male deputies came in and played "sherlock holmes" determining exactly what had happened, i had to fight back laughter. this led to them moving me to a third holding cell with a toilet and toilet paper.

  having fully come to understand that the government was fucking with me, and having confirmation that it has been happening for a long time, i sat calmly in the third holding cell biding my time. i had spent most of my energy disrupting the previous two "modules" and now felt it was appropriate to wait until they determined my next move. this didnt take long. they walked me to the machine which took my finger prints and then had me sit on a bench before they placed a plastic bag in front of me and told me to place my personal effects into it. i did all of this with my feet and hopped into the closed room where i was directed to change into my inmates uniform. it was chicken yellow, if that makes any sense. i was later told by someone who'd done years of hard time that a yellow jumpsuit means you're government custody, or something to that effect. everyone was amazed by how fast i was moving and how i seemed to know what they wanted me to do before they finished telling me.

  on we went to the actual prison where i was given my own room. i started with my usual routine of making noise and riling up everyone around me, before a deputy came and told me to stop the ruckus. eventually, after endless hours of minding my own, and of being in communion with the "spirits", i got the nerve to start the noise again, only this time the deputy wasnt so nice. i knew he wanted me to get down on the ground, so i threw my self willingly, only this time he placed his knee on top of my head and was extra forceful in putting the cuffs on my wrists, making my right ear cartilage piercing bleed in the process. i told him i was trying to cooperate and that he was in charge, all a ruse for the other inmates to see.

  he moved me to a room that is clearly used for visitors, and explained to me that if i disrupted his "module" again, he would lock me up with the biggest motherfucker being held on charges of homicide. i nodded to demonstrate i understood, i knew better than to speak. my heart raced as i recalled the recent events and i knew i was a stronger man for having put my self through it. eventually, he returned and reiterated his rules and then he put me back in my cell. then i spent countless more hours with the "spirits" guiding me, telling me what to do and how to pass time. i rigged the fountain to run endlessly so i didnt feel "alone". at one point, the "spirits" told me to go on a rant, and i began to explain how i was a badass and began to recall the countless examples i have of when the government has been fucking with me. i didnt expect it when the guy next to me said "when you goin' be quiet; it's been 2 1/2 hours?" i asked him why he was keeping time and let it go. nothing to see here, folks.

  i remember a female deputy coming to speak with me, with the head deputy beside her. i used my usual colorful language to tell her i didnt have shit to say to her, and the male deputy came back later and said "you dont disrespect my staff like that" as he pushed me up against the back wall of my cell to make his point clear. he then said "you will be very polite to the next person who walks into your cell" as i nodded. i stood up and watched a youngsta get locked up with me. i lay down in the bottom bunk and waited for him to jump on the top bunk. he was barely asleep for 15 minutes when he woke up and started asking me stupid questions. i cut him off and said "look, i'm not trying to fuck you", and he got riled up and then he jumped down and knocked on the door. the head deputy opened the door and the kid said "i cant stand him, i'm bout to knock him out". check and mate, my friends.

  they let me out on easter sunday (i was detained early saturday morning 2:32am) and i walked up to the commissary machine and asked a fellow inmate to help me log in. we got it figured out and i placed a free order which never arrived. it was just fun to see what sorts of items were available to those who had to spend serious time locked up. i laughed as i watched the closeted faggots sag their pants or take of their shirts to expose their tats. as they were moving me from that "module" on to the next, the deputy had a laugh at the expense of one of the inmates who was trying to justify his "tramp stamp" as being an homage to his deceased brother. he said "that's a tramp stamp if i ever saw one" and i laughed with them.

  they locked me up again in a holding cell alone. i had my blanket and my belongings and some good ol' toilet paper to take a shit. god, i must've shit a half-million times between jail and the psych ward, what the hell do they put in the food? but i digress. they gave me a bed-cushion and i threw it on the floor and curled up into it, with it laying over my head in the shape of a C. inmates came and went and in the background i kept hearing a female voice screaming "empire! empire! empire!", could she be secretly reading my mind? none of this mattered to me, because i knew that i'd committed no crime and that this was an illegal detention. you get used to it when you're a philosopher like me, you understand that you're "suffering" for the "greater good". i'm just a guinea pig in the grand scheme of things, and i dont mind relishing in my role, i'm quite good at it.

  another day must've passed, who knows, but then they moved me into the female section and gave me my own cell once again. i couldnt help but feel aroused at the mere thought of being within 5 feet (literally) of some hottt jail pussy. i heard the voice of an angel, which sounded ridiculously like kreayshawn. i uttered out loud to my self "bring her to me" and within a short time frame i heard the heavy footsteps of deputies escorting an inmate to the cell next to me. she remained quiet for a long time, before i heard her say "he said i can get out today", and i knew she wasnt alone. i heard the voice of two women, but i didnt inquire with either the deputies or the other inmates, who were relegated to serving me.

  it was right around 8am when i began to sing to my self, in order to pass the time, when i heard the inmates next to me start talking about how beautiful a voice i had. they asked for permission to give me a book about star wars (fanboy fodder), which i accepted, as i continued to "distill my essence" in the toilet. i rubbed one out as i imagined fucking the girl who sounded like kreayshawn in my cell. never did my hand leave the toilet as i distilled and distilled as a mad man would under such conditions. eventually, my distillation process came to an end and i flushed the toilet, but not before i came up with an essence to pure it had all the other inmates talking.

  then they moved me back to the beginning of the module and i changed back into my clothes i wore on the way in (el salvador jersey, louis armstrong cotton shirt, and blue jeans, with black/green filas). i sat down in the room with the rest of the inmates waiting to be called to be let out. a black kid sat next to me after about 10 minutes, and then i heard him say "keek!" and i looked as someone who looked like keek the sneak turned around. i asked, "is that really him?" and he said "yeah, go ask him". i walked up to THE keek the sneak and shook his hand, telling him i was locked up for "hacking the internet" and he thanked me for all his support.

   eventually, i got called with another youngsta who thanked me for going up to keek the sneak. the kid was pretty cool and he even gave me a ride to the BART station. keek the sneak was let out shortly after us and he asked to take a photo with me, which i happily obliged to do. it's usually the other way with celebrities, if ya-da-da-mean, ha ha ha.

  i smoked a cigarette on the way to BART, and asked a cab driver if he accepted the blue one-way ticket they'd given us in jail. he claimed yellow cab accepted them, but there wasnt one waiting, so i hoofed it to the BART entrance. once on BART, the "spirits" told me to feign a heart attack, which i did, and then a volunteer EMT helped me as we waited for the guys on duty to show up. once they arrived, they let me know that i had nothing to worry about and they took me to the hospital in martinez...

i'll continue this entry at a later date, gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats, ha ha ha...

edwin.../|

|\...today i was released from heritage oaks (psych ward/triage) in sacramento, even though i reside in contra costa (co co) county. i was held for 7 days and was prescribed the usual meds to tide me over until my court hearing may 2nd to decide if i'm eligible to receive my retirement pension early. everyone assures me that i will receive it, but i have a hard time accepting that as a fact when i know it depends on a damn judge. they've screwed me over in the past on technicalities, but i firmly believe i should receive my money.

* early saturday morning on the 6th of april, i was detained by the local police after my mom called the sheriffs and explained to them that i was "out of control". the local cops of el cerrito came to my brothers house and explained to them what was going on with me. long story short, they booked me into the jail and then sent me to county jail after they were done going through my belongings. i then spent countless hours going through the necessary steps in county to be allowed into the "module" they were running. it was crazy, because i didnt have any way to measure time, so it just dragged and dragged.

  during every interval, i was being guided by the mysterious "voices", which only made me appear crazier than i really am. the other inmates were scared shitless by me and i was allowed my own cell once i finally made it into the module. i couldnt even begin to attempt to describe the entire ordeal in the detail it deserves, but suffice it to say that i was confirmed by the county as being a veritable BADASS, in big block letters made with neon lights. even thinking about it brings up emotions that are still to raw to express. just know that i'm a much stronger person for having spent 8 days on lockdown in county jail, and i immediately earned the respect of all the inmates who were there with me.

  on a more entertaining note, i got to meet keek the sneak before i was discharged from county jail. i told him that i'd hacked the internet and he told me he was impressed by my accomplishment. i was waiting outside the jail when he was released and he requested to take a photo with me. that's just one of many celebrities i can count on as being one of my "supporters", ha ha ha. i told my mom about it and she simply nodded and smiled like she usually does when she finds something i share with her hard to believe. to be fair, she's never impressed with the names of the celebrities i tell her i've met. she's just glad that i'm getting any type of recognition, and that's how i feel about it, too. i'm never star-struck, mostly because i'm more special in the sense that i'm a san francisco "local", which is more difficult to come by than a celebrity within my beloved city.

* i was on my way to san francisco after being released from co co county jail when the "spirits" told me to feign a heart attack. this naturally led to the EMT's being called and for the local officer in charge to come to my rescue. they took me to county hospital and then transferred me to a psych ward in sacramento. i dont know why they didnt just take me to john muir, where i'm known, but i'm sure that in the long-run it was all meant to be.

  i spent 8 days in the psych ward doing my thing and getting reacquainted with my psych meds. i realized that i have to take them for my own good, but that with proper time i can go off them once and for all. i just have to play by the rules of the game, which philosophers invented, and then i'll be good to go. the government wants me to play by their rules, but they are revealing certain codes to me in order for me to succeed at toppling them. i know that most of what i'm saying is cryptic and hard to understand, but believe me when i say that what i'm "doing" or "working on" is government approved. they just have to continue to make me seem like a lunatic acting on his own, because it wouldnt look good for them to approve of a hacker like me. them's the breaks, as we say in the street.

* i dont feel like writing too much more, not for fear or anything, but because it's still too soon to discuss everything that i've been through. i could easily write 10,000 words based on the events of the past 2 weeks, but that's another assignment for another day. i just want to thank all of you who are reading my blog. even though you dont send me messages, i know you're loyal to me in your own ways and that's good enough for me. i love all of you, whoever you may be, ha ha ha.

warmly,

edwin.../|

i love being a "mentally disabled" fool...

  this song is very appropriate because he's talking about how sprung he is on a bitch who wont give him the time of day. i know EXACTLY how he feels. ever since that historic night, nearly 30 years ago, i havent been able to get the temptress known as "scarlett johansson" out of my head. how she got in, or why i cant get rid of her no longer matter to me, all i know is that i'm destined to a life of misery because i'm too stupid to realize she is just a stupid fantasy.

  i've TRIED explaining it to my self, countlessly poring over the smallest details, but no matter how i try i can't shake the inevitable question: if i'm right about what happened, and can therefore assume that i am right in expecting something else to "finish" happening, then WHAT IS TAKING SO GODDAMNED LONG?!?! ha ha ha, yeah, i end up having to laugh because it simply is about patience now, and i've always professed to have the "patience of a saint". i guess now we're REALLY putting me to the test. we'll see.

* in unrelated news, i'm doing MUCH better. i spoke with my therapist on friday and she said that i dont have to take my medication anymore and i dont have to see her anymore either. that's what is commonly referred to as a "win-win", and all because i had the moxie to stand up for my self, who woulda thought.

  this gives me hope that they'll report back to whomever is in-charge and they'll put out the word that i'm "well-adjusted" and ready to have things "explained" to me, but we'll see. i know i havent been as descriptive with the full details of the crazy nights i've endured, but BELIEVE me when i say "SOMETHING is happening". i cant tell you what it is, but i know that it's real, and that's good enough for me.

  to celebrate, i've been downloading different movies featuring the beautiful ms. johansson, because as i figure, "if she's stuck in my head, she probably wants to watch herself in her best roles to date", ha ha ha. that, and it's nice to see the progression of a young beauty into a full-grown mature woman.

  for example, i watched "lost in translation" again yesterday, and while the movie itself STILL didnt feel like a "classic"to me, i could understand what all of the hype and hoopla was about. i enjoyed the fact that a barely-legal ms johansson was matching acting chops with an underrated actor such as bill murray. i respected them for not turning it into some hottt old man/young girl soft core porn, even though we were ALL rooting for it. in short, the movie perfectly represented the lack of thought people put into cheating on their spouses. in real life, you dont think about it. you pounce on the opportunity like a horny repressed teenager. in the movies, i guess you bullshit for days on end telling your self you'll feel better about the encounter if you DONT consummate it. thankfully, i've never had this problem. for better and for worse, i've always allowed my penis to have a mind of it's own, seldomly turning down spontaneous sexual encounters. what can i say? i'm a super freak and i love sharing that with the select few.

* i'm just counting down the days 'til May 2, which is when they decide on my SSI case. if all goes well, i'll have thousands of dollars at my disposal $950/month at a time. i've already made plans to take care of some outstanding accounts and then i'm going to invest most of the rest. i want to take this comedy thing seriously, if i'm ever going to bridge the gap in order to tell ms johansson to her face how TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY in love i am with her. i figure, if i do my part to raise my national profile (i'm already a local legend in SF) it should be much easier for her to build the facade that she liked my comedy and wanted to see what i was all about. in my head, this is going to happen one way or another. in reality, i'm just a dork suffering from delusions of grandeur, trying to find a rationalization for the events of the past 30 months. no matter how you read it, just know that i'm COMPLETELY with either explanation. simply put, i'm beyond caring for the negative opinions of others. i'm "legally insane" and perfectly happy about it...

* that's all for now, come back later, and thanks for reading!!!

"ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...now make that motherfucker hammer-time"...

for those who havent seen them yet, you're welcome in advance...