* ... but you wouldnt know it by looking at me. okay, maybe you could, and that's the point.
* great. my parents were gone for almost 3 weeks and they get back tonight. i'm not nearly as excited as i had anticipated i'd be, because i dont have any good news to share with them. not that it matters, i think things have ultimately run their course. some big changes will certainly be necessary in order for me to find any semblance of happiness soon.
it's kind of depressing to have such a clear vision of the world. i say depressing because what do you do when life stops making sense to you? what do you do when your imagination runs wild and you suddenly blur the line between fantasy and reality. and i'm not talking about sexual fantasies; those would be much more appreciated at the moment than anything else. i'm talking about the craziness that i have experienced and have no idea of how to make sense of it.
even saying all of this is depressing me, but it's necessary. i've got to get these stupid thoughts out of my head.
* what does it take to be truly great at something? is it more than just god-given talent, or does it require some form of commitment? i dont know, i'm not particularly good at any one thing. there have been moments where i believed i could be great at something, but my desire was never enough to fuel me through the walls that eventually spring up as one pursues greatness.
not that there is anyone to blame, but my self. i've tried to be independent that way. it's too easy for me to fault my parents for being inadequate at their jobs and for making my life difficult as i was growing up. it's too easy to be upset about the way my life has turned out. it's too easy to stay down because i feel i'm never going to know what up looks like again. but that doesnt stop me from trying. some days it's the only feeling which makes sense. that sense of hopelessness and desperation mean something, i just have to figure out what.
there i go allowing the disappointment to seep through. i thought i told my self i wasnt going to write this type of post. i guess even i dont listen to my own rules. how the hell else am i supposed to follow anyone elses?
* concerning the job i was up for at the home depot: unfortunately, since i failed the drug test (i even admitted to them that i am a medical patient) there is nothing that can be done for me. the irony is that i had even purchased one of those specialty drinks to mask my urine, but i guess i didnt follow the instructions right, because i failed it anyway.
the point is that the home depot should work with me as opposed to against me. i admitted my status to them and they refuse to help me to get the job. that's understandable, since i am technically in limbo between federal and state laws. it's just SUPER frustrating when you havent worked in a while and you're looking for a job. you think about EVERY little thing an employer will want to know and you either commit to being honest, or you learn to hide the truth. as is obvious by now, i prefer 100% honesty. this doesnt mean that it has not backfired in the past, i just did not expect it to backfire this time.
the day my parents left for el salvador i had the interview and walked out of there feeling like a million dollars. now, on the night they are set to return, i feel like a cheap plastic bag small children have used to sniff glue. ugh, it sucks to feel used. that's what i get for counting my chickens before they'd hatched...
edwin
* great. my parents were gone for almost 3 weeks and they get back tonight. i'm not nearly as excited as i had anticipated i'd be, because i dont have any good news to share with them. not that it matters, i think things have ultimately run their course. some big changes will certainly be necessary in order for me to find any semblance of happiness soon.
it's kind of depressing to have such a clear vision of the world. i say depressing because what do you do when life stops making sense to you? what do you do when your imagination runs wild and you suddenly blur the line between fantasy and reality. and i'm not talking about sexual fantasies; those would be much more appreciated at the moment than anything else. i'm talking about the craziness that i have experienced and have no idea of how to make sense of it.
even saying all of this is depressing me, but it's necessary. i've got to get these stupid thoughts out of my head.
* what does it take to be truly great at something? is it more than just god-given talent, or does it require some form of commitment? i dont know, i'm not particularly good at any one thing. there have been moments where i believed i could be great at something, but my desire was never enough to fuel me through the walls that eventually spring up as one pursues greatness.
not that there is anyone to blame, but my self. i've tried to be independent that way. it's too easy for me to fault my parents for being inadequate at their jobs and for making my life difficult as i was growing up. it's too easy to be upset about the way my life has turned out. it's too easy to stay down because i feel i'm never going to know what up looks like again. but that doesnt stop me from trying. some days it's the only feeling which makes sense. that sense of hopelessness and desperation mean something, i just have to figure out what.
there i go allowing the disappointment to seep through. i thought i told my self i wasnt going to write this type of post. i guess even i dont listen to my own rules. how the hell else am i supposed to follow anyone elses?
* concerning the job i was up for at the home depot: unfortunately, since i failed the drug test (i even admitted to them that i am a medical patient) there is nothing that can be done for me. the irony is that i had even purchased one of those specialty drinks to mask my urine, but i guess i didnt follow the instructions right, because i failed it anyway.
the point is that the home depot should work with me as opposed to against me. i admitted my status to them and they refuse to help me to get the job. that's understandable, since i am technically in limbo between federal and state laws. it's just SUPER frustrating when you havent worked in a while and you're looking for a job. you think about EVERY little thing an employer will want to know and you either commit to being honest, or you learn to hide the truth. as is obvious by now, i prefer 100% honesty. this doesnt mean that it has not backfired in the past, i just did not expect it to backfire this time.
the day my parents left for el salvador i had the interview and walked out of there feeling like a million dollars. now, on the night they are set to return, i feel like a cheap plastic bag small children have used to sniff glue. ugh, it sucks to feel used. that's what i get for counting my chickens before they'd hatched...
edwin
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