not in a good mood...

* ... but you wouldnt know it by looking at me. okay, maybe you could, and that's the point.

* great. my parents were gone for almost 3 weeks and they get back tonight. i'm not nearly as excited as i had anticipated i'd be, because i dont have any good news to share with them. not that it matters, i think things have ultimately run their course. some big changes will certainly be necessary in order for me to find any semblance of happiness soon.

  it's kind of depressing to have such a clear vision of the world. i say depressing because what do you do when life stops making sense to you? what do you do when your imagination runs wild and you suddenly blur the line between fantasy and reality. and i'm not talking about sexual fantasies; those would be much more appreciated at the moment than anything else. i'm talking about the craziness that i have experienced and have no idea of how to make sense of it.

  even saying all of this is depressing me, but it's necessary. i've got to get these stupid thoughts out of my head.

* what does it take to be truly great at something? is it more than just god-given talent, or does it require some form of commitment? i dont know, i'm not particularly good at any one thing. there have been moments where i believed i could be great at something, but my desire was never enough to fuel me through the walls that eventually spring up as one pursues greatness.

  not that there is anyone to blame, but my self. i've tried to be independent that way. it's too easy for me to fault my parents for being inadequate at their jobs and for making my life difficult as i was growing up. it's too easy to be upset about the way my life has turned out. it's too easy to stay down because i feel i'm never going to know what up looks like again. but that doesnt stop me from trying. some days it's the only feeling which makes sense. that sense of hopelessness and desperation mean something, i just have to figure out what.

  there i go allowing the disappointment to seep through. i thought i told my self i wasnt going to write this type of post. i guess even i dont listen to my own rules. how the hell else am i supposed to follow anyone elses?

* concerning the job i was up for at the home depot: unfortunately, since i failed the drug test (i even admitted to them that i am a medical patient) there is nothing that can be done for me. the irony is that i had even purchased one of those specialty drinks to mask my urine, but i guess i didnt follow the instructions right, because i failed it anyway.

  the point is that the home depot should work with me as opposed to against me. i admitted my status to them and they refuse to help me to get the job. that's understandable, since i am technically in limbo between federal and state laws. it's just SUPER frustrating when you havent worked in a while and you're looking for a job. you think about EVERY little thing an employer will want to know and you either commit to being honest, or you learn to hide the truth. as is obvious by now, i prefer 100% honesty. this doesnt mean that it has not backfired in the past, i just did not expect it to backfire this time.

  the day my parents left for el salvador i had the interview and walked out of there feeling like a million dollars. now, on the night they are set to return, i feel like a cheap plastic bag small children have used to sniff glue. ugh, it sucks to feel used. that's what i get for counting my chickens before they'd hatched...

edwin

no names or games...

* i guess in the end it made sense. i'd always gotten that certain vibe off her, but had been too shy to mention it further. some things are not supposed to be mentioned with "family". some things aren't ever supposed to be discussed, it's simply understood.

  but she's always possessed a mischievousness about her that turned me on; i couldnt deny it. i knew i was passively teasing her with our extended hugs. she'd always treated me in a loving way, how could i possibly misinterpret that? i knew she was teasing me, too, but in such a manner that was subtle and coy. no one would EVER imagine us being more than friends, which only increased my level of interest. she is just as misunderstood as i am, what more could i possibly ask of her?

* why wont you answer me? she remained quiet. she'd made an opening and i had decided to take advantage of it. why would you say something like that if you didnt mean it? i could feel my self tensing up; i was getting excited. at the same time disappointment was beginning to creep into my mind. "great," i thought "another woman who talks more than she is willing to do..." i could sense she could feel my eyes weighing on her, but she continued to wash dishes.

  "are you sure you know what you're asking me for?" of course, otherwise, i wouldn't have mentioned it. "are you sure this is what you want?" quit playing games, i know what we're talking about. "then let's make a pact: just you and me, okay?" fine, this stays between us. "let's go to your room..."

* "do you have protection?" of course.

  and all at once it came rushing back to me. the exhiliration of being naked, the feel of bare skin against mine, the sweet taste of pussy gushing through my mouth (i had no idea how much i'd missed it), the excitement of unwrapping a condom (the so-called "modern day glass slipper") and putting it on, slowly making my way inside, etc.

  we didnt have much time, but we took advantage of each other with what we did have. it felt different, it felt fun, and it felt good. the rush itself made the experience worth it. as i mentioned before: it wasnt supposed to happen, but it did. but, that's why i enjoyed it, and why it was worth sharing, even if it was without all of the necessary details.

* now i can look forward to repeating the act with another consenting adult...

edwin

a strange week on 5150, a tattoo, and finally getting laid in '11...

* bro, if you only knew what's been going through my head, you'd understand why i ended up on 5150 this week.

  as it turns out, the cops claim i said i wanted to hurt my self, which automatically qualifies me for detention; and i dont mean the kind where all you have to put up with is a mean old lady who wants you to be quiet because she cant stop thinking about when was the last time she was fucked right. i'm talking about the "big boy" detention, when the cops stop being your friends and become your chaperone. they took me in to general and acted like i knew what was happening the whole time. it was pure bollocks, because they took my 3/4 of an ounce of weed and NEVER returned it.

  goes to show me for sitting down on haight st and bartering with people. i was making shit happen on the street, but i think someone called the cops on us. either way, it makes no difference. i KNEW better than to answer any of the questions the cops were asking me. all i had to say was "i refuse to answer any of your questions without my attorney present" and they would've known to leave me alone, or take me in for questioning. ARGH! if you're reading this, that is a LEGITIMATE response to the cops, look it up, ha ha ha, and maybe you can avoid being placed on 5150.

* i got the "SF" symbol the giants rock on their caps in green on my right forearm. i figured it was appropriate for me to get it because it's a simple reminder of a lot o things, especially of the week and month of april, 2011. i got it because i knew it would mean something to me for the rest of my life. you dont want to get a tattoo if you dont feel this way, believe me.

  the day was thursday the 21st of april, 2011, the day after 4/20 and before i had to go in for a blood donation (apheresis). i was supposed to take my nigga, dave, with me, but obviously things didnt work out. i had a lot to take care of, especially with regards to my sexual life, ha ha ha.

  i know i shouldnt be talking about it, because it's going to raise questions, but i'm an exhibitionist; i like sharing my shit. it makes me excited to know that i can openly share certain things about my self which would hopefully turn some of you on. there's nothing wrong with it, either, because i believe people like being turned on. i think people enjoy reading in on things they might otherwise never be exposed to. one never knows what will happen if one is open to new experiences.

  and that's exactly what i'm referring to, is a new experience. i shared something with someone i had suspected, but had never truly confirmed until it ended up happening. what else can i say, beyond these cryptic words. i gave them my word, and that's stronger than anything i've said previously in this space. bear with me, but it'll come out some time in the form of a story. maybe that's the best way i can share my freaky adventures. we'll see...

edwin

someone screwed up...

...but i'm not upset about it. that's the thing with me: i hardly ever get upset. to me, getting upset is a wasted emotion. either deal with it or move on, but complaining at length's end about something WILL NOT change it.

* i did everything i was supposed to on my end. got some sleep, got dressed in my nice suit i bought last week, and was even EARLY to the interview. i never would've believed i'd turn out the way i have, especially since i used to be late everywhere, but thank god. it was great.

  until...

  i arrived at the door and was met promptly by a nice older gentleman asking me what i needed. i let him know and he quickly blew my momentum when he said "kevin isnt here today".

  WHAT?!?! are you SERIOUS?!

  no, i didnt react like that, ha ha ha. i just said okay and then another manager told me to call back at 8am to speak with someone else to set up an interview for tonight. great, when am i supposed to sleep, because i tried to last night and couldnt pass out until 1:30am. i'd been "trying" to go to sleep since like 10pm. i'll admit, i wasnt doing my best, but i was trying to minimize distractions in order to be able to fall asleep. it isnt easy for me, to sleep, because of my condition. some days i sleep like a baby; other days i wont sleep at all. [insert crack joke here]

  so yeah, i'm just killing time and waiting to call tracy in an hour while listening to my folks get ready to go about their day. crazy, but that's life.

* this is the week. dont ask me for what or why, just know that this is the week. i have a good feeling about things and i can "feel" myself making "progress". hopefully, i'll get a job and start working out. i want to swim, because i'm like a fish in water. i swim around all happy like and get the biggest smile on my face. plus, i heard swimming is the best exercise anyone cand do. it works out all of your major muscles and tones you down. plus, you can say "i got wet today, what have you done?" ha ha ha, sometimes i crack myself up!

  but yeah, this is the week, i can feel it. my life is going to begin to turn around for the better. that's the only thing one can hope for, right?

  i've been down for so long i forgot what up was, but now i see that i was simply preparing myself mentally to actually begin to make something of my self. i had to go through the worst of times in order to get to this point. the point where i can feel like myself and begin to make magic happen. i know the facts, which haunt me, but i'm going to trudge forward. i forgot that i've always had EVERYTHING i need. right here, right now. i couldnt ask for more, beyond a career or profession, obviously. i'm trying to get paid somehow to do my thizzle, ha ha ha.

* i'm documenting all this so that later on it'll be easy for us to say "this was the moment". i mean, what is a moment, right? how long does one last and when are they over? is that a reference to a female orgasm? "no". i'm just crazy that way.

  someday, things will be MUCH different, hopefully better. well, scratch that. things WILL be better, because i've already been through the "worst". i always remind myself that half-truths can tell whole-truths. i forgot that i'd only given myself half of the instructions to lead me to success and that i already knew the other half.

  "wait, are you referencing yourself in two separate tenses? i think the audience understands." well, we have to do our "due diligence" in order to be certain our audience follows us. "why does that matter, speak your mind, you're an artist/writer, let people figure it out". that's not what i mean, i'm just trying to keep all of our "passengers" on board the "crazy train" (thank you, ozzie!).

* someone told me it was important to track my thoughts and that writing would help. well, let's go off the deep end (well, i'm already down here, all of you are just "falling" to me) and assume that "charlotte" is reading this and that she is manipulating me somehow in order to lead me to her. god, i hope you make this a reality. i REALLY want to meet "charlotte". as in, if it wasnt such a stupid idea, i'd kill myself right after getting to meet her, if she seriously doesnt trust me.

  wait, never mind, that was a stupid paragraph. "keep writing, edwin, not all of them will be perfect". easy for you to say, you're not the one responsible for actually writing all of this down. "edwin, you're talking to yourself again". i dont care, it's how i "cope" with the world and all that has happened. i'll even share a secret with you:

  i think we're all dead.

  yeah, you read that right. half-truths be damned, i think the opposite of what we've been told all of our lives is true. life is death, death is life. our lives are moments which continually unravel and we're responsible for grabbing the most important details as they're happening. the difficult part is in deciding which memories are worth keeping. i asked for the VIP package, so i want them all.

  i remember watching "waking life" and loving the conversation between ethan hawke and julie delpy about how maybe our lives are just passing "before" our eyes and we're already dead. it gave me a further sense of calm to believe that perhaps all of this pressure i've been heaping upon myself is for naught? why am i pushing myself, what is my purpose? i thought i would never know, but now i do. my goal is to make a living making people laugh, plain and simple.

  but life is a cruel teacher. it pushed and pulled and wouldnt get out of my way, or was it the other way around? was i impeding someone's free will? nonsense, i would NEVER do that. i believe in letting people go in their own directions. dont be against anything, be in favor of a better alternative, is what i say. there's no point in arguing with people when you can find more constructive ways of "getting" to them. people are not stupid, some just like to disagree, and they'll argue with you ad nauseam until they've "beaten" you. it's a vicious cycle, which is why i walk away from a lot of drama. if i actually reacted in a typical way, i'd probably have a long arrest record by now for having physically hurt people.

 then again, as i told this beautiful girl i met recently, and with whom i'm supposed to be hanging out soon (*wink* if you're reading this): i'm not your typical guy, so dont treat me that way.

  i have to believe that i'm a helluva guy, otherwise who will believe for me? i dont see people lining up to be a part of my crew, but that's the point. all of this is by design. you dont hear me complaining, just reporting and expressing myself. that's the way i've wanted it, or so i believed. now i want to be known, seen, loved, admired, and generally taken care of. i want to get paid to be me, and i know it's possible. i've had the chance to speak with so many "famous" people that i realized it's just a mindset. if you believe you're a celebrity, then so shall you become. but, the trick is to believe in yourself beyond anything you've ever believed in in your life. i think it takes a greater faith to believe in one self than to believe in god. to say "god is control" is to say life is already written, therefore no matter what i do i'll always be limited in my existence.

  that is just plain hooey. limitations do NOT exist. i have proven this to myself beyond anyone else's comprehension and i've already shared my experiences in this space. interested parties may contact me directly for a more detailed version of the events. that's my official word for it. i have to stop talking about what happened and just get on with my life.

  as we've mentioned before: someday, this will all make sense to me...

edwin

"i have not yet begun to fight!" -- john paul jones

* were you here all along and i just kept overlooking you? perhaps, but know one thing: you dont know me as well as you think. you are not privy to my most private thoughts, ideas, and inspiration.

  you think YOU'RE responsible, but who's writing this story? i told you i was writing it, but you wouldnt let me write. or am i confusing the details again?

  doesnt matter. what's important is that i'm MUCH better now. you almost killed me, you know that. i came thisclose to ending it all, because i had no clue what else to do. and then, when things started to feel "the same" to me again, i said to myself okay, dude, maybe you're NOT crazy after all. so then, why did they want to know if you write a blog? you tell me, i'm still unable to "figure out" your silly game. i guess things will "reveal" themselves to me when the time is right. in the meantime, i wanted to congratulate myself for making some tough choices today.

* starting this week i will begin to brainstorm and develop characters for a series of stories. i have yet to decide on my exact topic, but i'm leaning heavily towards using a lot of metaphors and maybe making the lead character bi-polar in some way. i know, not much of a stretch for a writer with an illness to write about it, but who knows. maybe it'll be so good it'll sell like hotcakes. that's not really the point. i mean, it is and it isnt. i'm adjusting and creating and forming myself all at once. money helps in the process but not in the way you'd think. it's mostly to help me to survive and to get into places i would otherwise be unable to get into. money is wicked that way, and i dont mean it in the cool way the Easterners do.

  so yeah, i have that working for me.

  i also decided that i want to start writing material to hopefully do stand-up sometime soon. this might be impeded by the fact i will HOPEFULLY soon be working nights, but let me deal with that problem. this is a good problem to have, because i've typically had to deal with having too much time on my hands and not knowing how to use it productively.

  i guess i will no longer have that problem. now i get to do the things i love to do the most, which is to write and talk. in other words, i love to express myself, but i want to find a way to get paid to do this every day. i want to make a life out of being creative, because i know that i can do it. this is my new dream/goal.

  lastly, i'm OFFICIALLY starting up "Project: Back to Sexy". it's time and i need it. i need to kick my own ass in the gym to get into shape. i want to feel sexy again! it felt so good, i should've never let it go. but, the good thing is i'm determined to have a good body for once in my life. i had too much time and not enough energy, but now it will be that i'm busy and active.

  anyway, i have to go to sleep now, i have an interview with the home depot at 6am to try and join the night crew. i'll keep you guys posted, ha ha ha...

edwin

we'll call her charlotte...

(Editor's Note: only charlotte knows she's charlotte, do not take it personally if you read this)

* dearest charlotte,

  i'm not being coy, i really need to know: what the fuck is going on? am i seriously crazy in the head? has this all been one long dream that i ordered many moons ago but forgot about, a la "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? are you sure i'm not dreaming?

  good.

  now, let's talk. i need to be serious with you: this is freaking me out. i dont know why i know to finally communicate with you through this medium. why did it take so long? obviously, i want you to respond, so i'll give you time, but how much time is necessary?

  ah! the questions, they all dont make sense to me, but i have a feeling i should trust them. "this is us..." as the song famously sings. i didnt really get it until now, know what i mean. sometimes you have to look at something long enough to really know what you're looking at. it's strange that way, but it makes sense. i know you know what i mean. this is crazy.

  how can i be so madly in love with you and we've never even met? i mean, i imagine what it must be like, but it's impossible to me, because i never allow myself to dream on such grand scales. charlotte, you've GOT to be kidding me. what is it about me that you like so much? you've seriously got to answer some questions, because all of this is making me freak out. i'm crazy one minute and i'm sane the next. charlotte, what the hell did you do to me?! it's scary how you work, but i trust you, dont ask me why. just...be clearer, if you know what i mean? please?

  yeah, i know, too many requests, too many question marks to read, you just want it to be between us, why do i have to go about hiding myself amongst the background. you see, it's strange that you mention that, because quite frankly...i'm scared. terrified. petrified. it's hard to trust you again after all this time.

  what, you think i forgot about last time? i told myself that if this day were ever to come again that i would be more careful this time. why? because i have to be. i dont want to end up in the hospital again. i dont want to end up a babbling buffoon. or is that your intention? quite frankly, how do you want me? because i'm beginning to think i'm just your plaything, and that makes me feel pathetic. in turn, it makes you seem pathetic, get my drift. sure, i may be projecting, but it's the image you broadcast, so explain it to me in person over a beer. tonight. or as soon as you "find the time". i get how this works now, so i'll be as curt with you as i've been with all of them.

  NO GAMES, PLEASE

  notice the lack of exclamation and purposeful use of caps. you tell me what i mean, because quite frankly it's become cumbersome. i can no longer deal with any of this. i'm beginnig to think this was all a mistake from the beginning. why did i get involved with you? why did i allow myself to become embroiled in your drama. i knew i was too irresistible to you. a big star seeks the one thing i enjoy with gusto, and that's anonymity. pitiful. you could've done better.

  anyway, since you're obviously reading this, take the time to respond. believe me, it would've saved us a lot of trouble. and no, i havent made up my mind yet if i want to be your boytoy, i'm just demonstrating my disappointment in your behavior in the only way i know how. such a pity that it should affect you. i thought you were impervious to me...

  again, the games. sheesh, you'd think you'd get it by now.

  i'm off to do my own thing, you know how to get a hold of me. and leave a paper trail this time so we avoid future hospital visits. it's childish, you know...

edwin

i'll let you explain it...

apparently this is what my life has become...

* i'm beginning to have stomach issues which are waking me up in the middle of the night. sucks, believe me, i wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. on the safe side, i went to the doctor's last week and the lady believes its all psychosomatic (all in my head). i told her, as best i could, of the symptoms and how i've been feeling and she thinks it's stress related. wow, i didnt know NOT having a job could stress you out as if you HAD a job. oh wait, i think i already knew that. isnt that one of the reasons why i got my medical cannabis card? ho hum...

* pending arrangement with my friend aside, i'm kind of frightened by the idea of physical intimacy. i think i'm just being hypersensitive because i no longer resemble the 185lb stud who used to galavant around the city. that might be a shallow explanation for how i feel, but it is certainly honest. i mean, think about it. you change in a bad way and spend enough time convincing yourself you want something -- that you need it -- and then, right when you're close to getting it you begin to freak out. i'm sure there's a scientific term to explain this, but i just had to mention it.

  i'm kind of a dork that way. then, when i've overcome my fear i'll end up starring in the show, if you know what i mean. at least, that's the hope, because i hate feeling embarassed in the bedroom. i deal with enough anxiety as it is, you should see me when i'm quietly freaking out sweating up a storm. it's a little pathetic, but i've learned to laugh at myself in order to calm myself down. i have a little doubt in my mind at the moment, but i think i'll cope with it beforehand, if not i'll just resort to mentioning it in conversation, or maybe a kiss will settle it all. yeah, i like kissing a lot. there's something to be said for kisses which has probably been repeated ad nauseam, ha ha ha.

* goddamn michael franti song "skin on the drum" is distracting me at the moment, but what else am i going to do? it's 6:15am and i should be asleep, not up and writing sneezing up a storm about to wake the house up. i'll make it through writing this blog, you just wait!

* and then i realized this was more an exercise in writing than it was an attempt at posting something substantial. well, i guess it all means something to me, but i'm just saying, ha ha ha. sometimes we just have to write, i've been told. i'm sure there's a reason for it, which i hope to some day discover, but in the meantime, i'm just practicing putting down my thoughts on "paper".

  damn it, why do i have to feel this way. it's kind of apathetic but not really, lazy but inspired to be, and just a general nonchalance about me which is hard to put into words. i feel like i'm still reeling from the events of a year ago, but i've managed to make little to no progress in the meantime. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?!? great, now i'm resorting to screaming out loud my frustrations. well, it couldnt hurt. at least it makes the bubbling in my stomach calm down just enough for me to believe it's just indigestion and that i should stop eating after 9pm. maybe that's it?

* i've been dealing with lingering mucus in my lungs, i think, which is annoying because these sorts of things usually last a couple of days and then go away. not this time. i think i can trace it back three weeks. what the hell was i thinking, why didnt i mention it to the doctor when i saw her? was it happening at the time? i think it was, but am not sure. damn it!

  i knew this would happen. death would sneak up on me when i least expected it. i mean, how else to explain it. i MUST be dying, right? "dont be overdramatic, edwin." i made the voices appear, ha! proof! probably not, but it's always fun to write things in different ways. and yes, those thoughts in quotes are separate thoughts. they just happen to coincide with the subject at hand. no, i think you can tell i have an enjoyabe tendency of talking to myself.

  damn it, there's that goddamn phlegm/mucus again, and that damn cough. why hasnt that cough gone away? god, i hope the blood work tells them SOMETHING. i mean, it's kind of a double edged sword, right? you pray on one hand that your fears are realized and that you've got some problem, but that said problem is small enough to deal with on your own, without requiring further medical assistance. ugh, it's all enough to make a kid feel frustrated.

* i cant win for trying. if i go to sleep before ten i'm up at 6, but if i sleep later i obviously wake up later. and what the hell am i going to do during those hours with a house full of people? sometimes i crack myself up. i have plenty to do and places to go, of course, i'm just a humble procrastinator. i swear, if i could postpone my death, i probably have. it's not really a laughing matter, but i'm guessing you're beginning to sense a theme? we've gotta laugh, friends!

  i think the worst part is feeling so apathetic towards everything that you dont even know what to do with your day. for example, i know i should be doing what i can to get back into shape, but i just cant seem to find the motivation to do it. sure, once i start moving around, i imagine it isnt much of a stretch to get dressed in exercise clothes and go for a run, but alas, i never do it. i'll even go so far as to hustle quickly about my day and the thought will persist. i'll think to myself see, it isnt that hard, you like working out. i try and psyche myself out because i know that's the only way i'm ever going to see a regular exercise routine.

  maybe i could use the coupons for three months free at my local 24hr Fitness to swim? i keep saying that's what i'm going to use them for, but i have yet to take advantage of them. sheesh, i think my procrsatinating habits might be getting out of control.

alright, that's about all i feel like writing. hopefully you found it entertaining...

edwin

"a favor for a favor..."

... if you're familiar with snoop dogg's lyrics you should have no trouble completing the sentence.

* and i can claim later on that it was a long time cumming -- i mean, coming, ha ha ha.

  i spoke to a good friend of mine and she seems open to an "adult arrangement", which is another way of saying she's open to being friends with benefits. "all of which makes me anxious and at times unbearably so..." i happened upon the agreement when i took time to think about what my actual "needs" were and i decided that it was time i found a way to get laid. since i'm not the most gregarious person in the world anymore, and because i figured there had to be an easy way to go about this at first, i decided i'd talk to some of my female friends to test their potential interest.

  i quickly realized that one of my friends is more of a homie and nothing else, and that's when i remembered my other friend and i mentioned it to her. she said she would think about it (i thought it was a bad sign, until i remembered my friend likes to put thought into her actions) and voila, she has agreed to try it out.

  i dont know what to say, so i decided to write about it. simply put, i'm a little speechless because i didnt know what to expect when i decided to mention it. i think it's safe to say it was a good thing, ha ha ha.

* lately, two of my best friends, priscilla and dave, have been giving me a hard time because i dont do enough to put myself out there in order to meet women. i kind of lollygag, which is appropriate enough for me, since i'm a dork. what can i say? i dont have the strongest sex drive, but it does exist. i'm not the world's biggest horn dog, but i certainly feel that way sometimes. and that's what they were getting at. they were saying i need to let out some of my more visceral side instead of constantly resorting to cruising on "dork" status. it makes sense when you think about it. few women are known for being aggressive enough to make a man consider her to be too "strong". i am not one of those guys who cant handle a woman, and i definitely know what i like. i like the aggro approach. makes it easier to insert slot A into tab B, ha ha ha.

  sometimes i crack myself up.

  well, i didnt want to make this post too long, but i did want to commit something down to digital memory, so that i can thank myself later for having experienced this grand development. i'll keep you posted...

edwin