a movie pirate is born under pressure...

  the above trailer is for this year's (2010) oscar winner for best feature film, "the hurt locker". i normally dont have much good to say with the academy's selection for best picture, but this year i was left speechless. this movie grabs you by the throat from the opening frame and it does not let you go until long after you have finished watching it. it's essentially about a game of cat-and-mouse between the guys in charge of putting out the bombs and the guys who make them, with an excellent story woven into the fabric.

  i dont want to ruin anything about this movie, but i did want to admit that i downloaded the torrent and watched it for free. maybe it's too much information to share, but i've always prided myself for being honest.

  the past couple of days i've been figuring out the whole downloading torrents thing and have been amassing a small supply of them. i figure i have limited hard drive space until i get money to buy DVD-R's onto which i can then transfer said films. besides, i only want to keep the truly good ones on my computer and i'll undo myself of the rest.

  case in point, i downloaded both versions (1951) and (2010) of alice in wonderland, but i only plan on keeping one on my hard drive. take a guess which it is going to be? i'm an old school kid at heart and have always found the original disney version of the film to be perfect with the way it describes mr carroll's story. i love the addition of the caterpillar as well, which doesnt exist in the text. i simply found the script to the new version to be a little unsatisfactory. perhaps they could have turned it into two films and done a complete reimagining, but maybe the studio was too afraid it would end up losing money? i can't imagine why, since this is exactly the subject matter with which tim burton usually shines.

  for the record: i did enjoy the new version of the film, and after reading many of the reviews and criticisms of the film, i have to say all of the negative pub was dead on. the film was not absurd enough and the creatures were insufficiently scary for how tame they were made to be with a gentle touch by our beloved alice. i guess it speaks more to the magic of the feminine touch than anything else.

  ...

  i just cant get roberto carlos' "detalles" out of my head. the lyrics go on and on in my head and i cant get them out. i guess there are worse things to feel.

  went to dinner with my older brother, rafael, to hometown buffet. my family has this thing for buffet's people, so i always end up holding court in conversation while everyone gets their grub on. i'm never one to be left behind at the table, but i always make sure to not eat too much. or at least, i make sure to enjoy every bite i take. it's always a special event when my older brother and i go to dinner. in fact, we had a pretty serious conversation concerning brotherhood that could have reduced me to tears had i not previously considered the point we ended up discussing.

  he asked me if i believed the four of us (abel, raf, myself, and eric, in our respective order) would ever be close. i told him i had my doubts, but that it was out of my hands. i told him that for me i would always be a part of their lives, because it is exactly how i'm wired, but i didnt have the heart to tell him that perhaps no one wants the four of us to be close. maybe we're all too individually spirited that we just cant get along together for more than just special occassions, and even that is a stretch.

  one problem is that my oldest brother, abel, lives in arizona and he has completely decided to make his own life away from the main family unit. as i told raf, "i dont blame him". i confessed to him that i dont really like our parents. it's a fact that i've had to live with which i had never wanted to admit to myself. truth be told, i'm not geared to love them the way they want, and they're not wired to support me the way that i ask. it's strange, because they remain a motivating factor for me to succeed in my life, but it's more to succeed in spite of them and not as a result of them. can't really explain it beyond saying that i've always felt a bit detached from my family, and i've always felt like a bit of a loner because of it. this doesnt stop me from making friends or from being social, but the more i grow older and i look at my self, the more i realize i'm living a lie.

  i told raf the plans i have for my self, which are basically to find the right situation to move out on my own, then to start growing weed for the government while working a basic nine to five if i chose i wanted one. he translated it as i want to be a bum, which made me laugh, because i dont see it that way. i want to live an old school lifestyle because i dont feel wired for the pursuit of material satisfaction as he and my family do. so what if i only end up owning a 2004 toyota corolla and not some sexy sports car? so what if i dont buy new clothes for my self for some time? what importance is it to me if i dont make a million dollars in the next 20 years? all i know is that there is a lot of money to be made in crops, and that i believe money is on its way out anyway.

  i believe in the zeitgeist movement and what the films talk about. money is evil and our lives revolve around lies. with that being said, what are my motivating factors to get out of bed in the morning? to make my self and others happy are all i can think of, but right now i'm not even capable of this. i'm essentially stuck in purgatory after all that has happened. i cant provide for my self and my family is only able to provide me with the most basic care, all of which was available to me in the hospital. of course, had i not made mention of anything, i would probably still be there. in either case...*sigh*

  i was telling raf (short for rafael) over dinner that we would soon be getting to the age when we would begin wanting to have a family. he told me that he has already begun to have thoughts about it, and i told him that i wasnt far behind him. however, my main question (as usual i have questions), to my self, is where to start? it's a universal question, i suppose, but i'm different because i'm a megalomaniac. i suffer from grand delusions. for christ's sake, i've been hospitalized consistently these past two months for believing that i was after scarlett johansson and that she loves me. turns out it was all one big joke on me, only i havent laughed yet. sounds like i was punk'd.

  even nadiya came up over dinner, and i almost told him i was over it. i mean, i'm literally thisclose to just saying fuck it to every thing, but i cant do that. at least, not yet. *shakes head* if it can be said that all of this has been one big joke, well, i'm not laughing. have yet to, actually, at least not with regards to the intent in which said joke is probably meant.

  in fact, i even have a song picked out for the occassion.



  it's called "cry for you" by september. i never really knew the name of the song until i decided to search the lyrics just as i was writing this. my gay lover, virgil, gave me over a thousand songs and this was part of his personal collection which didnt have track names included, so i had to uncover the title and artist on my own, even though i was familiar with said song. it's a beautiful song really, with the hook being perfect "you'll never see me again/so now who's going to cry for you". can be dedicated to just about anyone.

  if you ask me, i'll take my manic days over any "normal" days. i honestly have no clue what that word, normal, means any more. normal isnt a state of my mind, it isnt a setting, and it certainly is not a way of life. is it normal that i can turn my sleep switch on and off? is it normal for me to believe in ESP while doctors try to convince me that i'm not? why do i have so many unanswered questions? i swear to god all of this is frustrating enough to drive one mad. nothing sounds better than roaming the streets of san francisco, either. i'd rather be like st francis of assisi and wander the streets.

  i watched "pulp fiction" again today and it made me think a lot about what it means to "walk the earth" as samuel l. jackson's character famously tells john travolta's character. "i'm going to walk until god puts me where he wants me" to paraphrase the explanation. "and if it takes forever" is the retort "then i will walk forever" is the response. goddamn them for seducing me into the building and then having me remove my most comfortable shoes. good thing i can always buy another pair online once i have the money.

  it's getting late. 2:42am as of this writing. i dont even know what i'm going to do with my self tomorrow after i get done helping my parents clean the house. some days i feel like i want to stay in bed all day. which reminds me of the movie "what's eating gilbert grape".



  this movie features two young heartthrobs known as johnny depp and leonardo dicaprio. juliette lewis does an excellent job of helping us to determine what in fact IS eating at gilbert grape. it's love, baby, just love. you see, gilbert loves his family so much he is having a hard time focusing on him self. not ruining anything about the movie by saying this, just saying is all. but i highly recommend the film, because it definitely reminded me a lot of my self.

  and i guess, therein lies the rub, as shakespeare famously wrote. the rub is that all cultural expressions are rooted in love and i never learned to love my self. this goes beyond the topic of masturbation, this goes to the issue of love itself in an unbiased and unconditional form. i guess i would argue that i love my self so much it's hard for me to leave my family. or am i confusing every thing again? i guess i'd better get some sleep, because there arent any angels who are going to visit me tonight, or in the near future, in order to help me to settle this issue.

  some days, i do wish i could wake up in the hospital...

edwin