"hey big mouth, shut up!!!"

that's an inside joke, with my self, so please dont be alarmed by the subject line of the blog.

* so lately the light has been flickering in my head. certain things have happened recently which helped me to begin to think that perhaps, after all of this time, i've been going about things the wrong way. yesterday i felt something which reminded me of the feelings from before; a sublime happiness and almost seemingly familiar feeling of communion with the universe. if i could say i was crazy for a minute -- scratch that, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, so let's move on. if i could describe the feeling as "communicating with the universe" then that's how i would describe it, there's no other way.

  i dont know what to attritbute the feelings to, since i wasnt doing anything different than i what i normally do. the main difference is that this time i did not feel scared by the feelings which overcame me. because of their familiarity, they began to help me to think about how everything i have lived through this year might be connected. that's exactly the request i made in my previous blog, so someone "up there" has been listening and perhaps is answering me.

* that's the unofficial report. what i choose to believe is that the game is starting up again. the voices are BACK!!! ha ha ha, hence the subject line. i think that further back than i care to remember i've heard "voices". but before you freak out about it, just think about what it could possibly mean? or to juxtapose it with popular culture: there is presently a hit tv show where the lead character is a smoking hot waitress with telepathic powers who falls in love with a vampire, mostly because she cant read his thoughts. isnt this a little...strange? perhaps, but the underlying point i'm trying to make is that sookie stackhouse and i are not too different, with the exception being that she's a comic book character turned into a hit tv show.

  i guess all i'm trying to say is that my moods have gotten better lately. for example, yesterday i spent all day wondering what life might have been like for me if i had not been born during the beginning of the digital age. i began to think about how everything in my life would've been different if i never had a telephone to rely upon, or the internet, or any of the other conveniences which we take for granted today. i guess it comes with the territory. nothing can ever be great enough that it helps us to never forget. as soon as the masses discover a new play thing we instantly become dumber.

* my cousin, rick, and my friend, dave, were making fun of me a little bit because of my wayward thoughts, but i couldnt help but stick to my guns. that's what you did in the old days. you would josh with your friends and they would take it in return. that, amongst other things, has been something i have learned recently. i'm a different boy with different beliefs and tendencies, but i'm trying to do the best i can to find answers to the questions which remain. primarily, when will everything finally be revealed to me? i know they say that god works in mysterious ways, but i retort that god isnt mysterious, he is transparent. i would argue that people work in mysterious ways. some people fight to help others to see the difference.

  or as i told my cousin rick: i experience the world in a different way, but that doesnt mean i'm weird. before the events which took place earlier this year, i wouldnt have thought twice to open up to everyone about certain things about me, but now i have learned that i need to have tact. this is something i did not learn as a child, so you can imagine how difficult it is to learn as an adult. instead, i learned to always be honest and forthcoming with my elders, especially when things are going haywire. nothing like several beatings as a child from screaming parents to traumatize me into having a fear of authority. and it's not like the cops make it any easier with their tone of voice and how they speak to you.

  now, i've learned that i have to be super selective about the way i live and experience my life. if i want to believe that i have psychic powers, then i have psychic powers. if i want to believe that i can communicate without speaking, then i can communicate without speaking. if i want to believe that i was "guided" through psychic means to an address, and that my inability to communicate effectively with the spirit(s) i was channeling is what led me to the hospital, then that's exactly what happened. my point is that i'm learning to stand up for my self, which is something my buddy dave has been helping me with.

* for those who dont know: i'm not a shit-talker. i'm not typically one of those people who likes to rile up others for the sake enjoyment and entertainment, two points which are always reason enough to shake the devil out of someone, especially if it's a friend. instead, i like to take a more diplomatic approach to crowds. i talk to as many people as possible and i usually leave little to the imagination concerning my intentions, which are usually just to make conversation with others. at the same time, we are all subject to the same passions and desires, so it is only natural that my flirtatious side comes out.  all of this usually works fine and well when i'm feeling like "my self."

  however, because of my different run-ins with the law this year, and because i have always had a special relationship with my parents, in that i have never had an easy time talking with them about my actions both good and bad, i have developed the tendency to shut down whenever i have to deal with the cops. lately, that has extended to other areas of my life. i begin to shut down whenever i feel sad and depressed, and it has been too long since i could remember a different feeling. in fact, that last time i remember feeling like "my self" was during the time when i was actively chasing spirits and trying to get in touch with the supernatural.

* people dont like to hear about such things, which is why i came up with the joke of "hey big mouth, shut up!!!" i was thinking about how i might be perecived in the past if i walked around telling people that i was able to communicate telepathically with anyone. first of all, they'd laugh because it would sound impossible. second, they'd probably think and say that they thought i was crazy. well, how does that change how i've felt about my self all of this time? how does that change any thing i have believed about my self, most notably that i am crazy and am destined for greater things? none of these change a thing, except the fact that someone took the time to listen and hopefully believe me. 

  so, i figure that i'll just learn to be more selective about whom i tell concerning my "abilities." however, whenever pushed to answer, i'll tell people that i'm bi-polar, which means they should take everything i say with a grain of salt, ha ha ha. again, if i believe it, then it is my reality, and i should be able to back it up when push comes to shove. i didnt do that the first time around. i didnt do my part. i think i spoke way too much and i ruined a possibly excellent performance by an undiscovered performance artist, which is my self.

* i think i was supposed to end up in the hospital without anyone knowing and i was supposed to end up meeting some interesting characters who would've eventually led me to the place i was looking for, but i panicked. i freaked out about everything, which only ruined the spiritual connection i was sharing. i think the person on the other end figured i was too unstable to be worked with and they were right, but i wanted things to work, so we tried and failed. strangely, i remember that everything was moving at a speed i had never experienced before, which is why i believe things failed.

  my thought process used to be ridiculously fast, until this experience took that away from me. in fact, i feel like i lost a lot of my self because of the experience and i'm slowly regaining everything again. i used to be able to do some things which i am no longer able to do, but i refuse to believe that i automatically forgot, or that i unlearned some things. if you ask me, i believe that these things were taken through me. of course, such speak is crazy-speak, so let's entertain it.

  i think the same process which allowed me to tap into a greater subconsciousness to be able to communicate spiritually with whomever i was communicating also allowed for them to take some of my greater knowledge and wisdom. it's a two-way street, i think. however, there are ways to unlock it. i also think they took more than they had bargained for and now they are finally coming back to finish what they started. we'll see, though, obviously, because this is an ongoing process, one which i do not think will ever end.

* anyway, it's 2:30am, it's late enough and i should really be back in bed...