the heart grows fonder...

  if it can be said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, then some of my best friends must be really missing me right now. as in, as soon as i get a cell phone again and i am able to reconnect with the world i should have some good news waiting for me. or at least, i believe this.

  sometimes belief trumps everything. hell, it's the reason why i sat through watching both the first and second installments of "the matrix" trilogy, even though i'd already seen them and the only one i have yet to see is the third. it's the reason why i'm contemplating watching the third one tonight AFTER i'm done writing this (1:33am PDT) so late. belief is everything to me, my friends, and my belief in my self is quite strong.

  sure, it can be said, and it will later on be written, that this is the absolute lowest of lows that i have ever experienced in my life, so shouldnt it follow that the sweet hereafter will soon be upon me? *shrugs* you're talking to a writer who is half-sauced (drunk) off some swigs of bacardi silver from a secret stash which was ordered almost one year ago. that's how long the bottle has been in my possession and i havent finished it. that's how long i am capable of denying my self the basic joys and pleasures which most people take for granted. that's how long this confusion has existed in my brain; and it's especially how long i've suffered from grand delusions. in short, it's the reason and being for my existence. sure, the previous sentence seems jumbled, but it isnt.

  when you're a megalomaniac who "suffers" from mania, every day is just an exercise preparing you for the next. i take my medication because i'm told it's necessary for my progress. i see my self progressing on to bigger and better things, but right now i have to take baby steps. as mentioned before, my life's work is ongoing and proving einstein's theory of relativity has both it's perks and drawbacks, with my present situation being but a simple speed bump accentuated by its severity and timing. never doubt me, however. it's exactly where i like to be placed, as an after thought.

  i know certain things, but it can mostly be said that i know every thing about my self. i'll be sure to keep this shorter than you can anticipate, but suffice it to say that i am thoroughly convinced of the "delusions" from which i suffer, and while i have been explicitly disappointed to this point, it has not been without a reason. people tell me things epexcting me to react. my friends, i already know how this is all going to end. it ends with my name in lights and people thanking me for never giving up. if it must pass that i should suffer at the moment, i am strong enough to understand that it is for a reason, a much greater reason than i could ever hope to express, in writing or otherwise.

  believe me when i tell you that i will have my day in the sun and it wont cost me a thing, this story is far from over...

edwin