the melancholy maniac without a cause...

* it didnt take long for me proverbial tree to be shook and a favor to be asked. come to think of it, i kind of like being called upon the way that i do. it's so...refreshing, yeah, that's the word, to be wanted in an honest way. it sure beats the ambiguity that i've been feeling at home.

  on one hand we have my father, with whom i would never like to speak again, and then we have my mother, who is so oblivious about my truest emotions it's almost sad. unless, of course, you're the kind who wallows in your own self-pity. then, it's just pathetic to you, and there's nothing that can be done.

  so, what was i supposed to do this holiday season but to grit my teeth and to bear (pun intended) with it, until i received a delightful text from one of my best friends, mike. after calling him, he asked if i would do him the honor of driving him to mendocino couny at 1am when he arrives friday morning. um, is it even a question, because i sure thought it was rhetorical. "of course i'll drive you, my friend, it's not even a question" were my exact words, or something to that effect. my point is: i now have something to do this weekend which wont involve moping around wishing i had a goddamned job. needless to say, having a job wouldnt be very conducive to this favor that was asked of me, but that's for someone else to worry about.

  right now, i'm ecstatic that i get to spend a good amount of quality time with one of the few MEN in my life who has been there for me and has always guided me through troubled waters, especially when he was co-captain of our proverbial ship. ah, the memories that come back at the mere mention of it all, ha ha ha. we discussed that briefly, and i reminded him that our times of milk and honey would SURELY return once i got back on my feet and began working again. he's aware of my humble plan to be a farmer, which he agrees will make me beaucoup bucks, but in the meantime it's all about sweating alongside the proletariat making an honest buck until said plans come into fruition and then bear fruit of their own. easily, we're talking about 6 months, to see a full return on the investment, but i'm not trying to sell anyone on the concept anymore.

* truth be told: if my family wanted to make me happy they'd either help me to fulfill my short term goals, or they'd stay out of the way. i cant stand this in-between where they tiptoe around me as if i've got a fully loaded sawed-off shotgun in my hands at all times. i swear, that was never the person i wanted to be, ha ha ha, but i guess when you've drawn your line in the sand it is easy for others to feel intimidated.

  yes, i'm recounting my traditional holiday tale of how much my family annoys me, which would be nice if it werent already true. so, on account of my buddy calling in a favor to be driven up north during the wee hours of the night, i do NOT plan on having christmas with my family, and considering the smatter lines which will undoubtedly be felt when the decision to go back to florida FINALLY becomes a reality, this might be my "last" chance to spend a christmas with them before my proposed "transformation." we wont go into full details, aside from saying that another variation of "project back to sexy" is in order, but i think it's easy to guess where i am going with it. i'm unhappy with my self and my figure, so some changes need to be made in order for me to feel better about those things.

* that being said, i've begun to notice that i've been a little down lately, which might have something to do with my sudden desire for companionship. while it may seem sad to the outside perspective, this is actually a good thing, because it means i still have hope in my mind of someday meeting a wonderful woman who will make me a happy man. i just have to keep on my path of enlightenment and enrichment through academic things, versus running around upset and angry with the world for the mean joke it played on me this year. or at least, school can be my back-up plan, ha ha ha, until i have the right circumstance where i can begin to grow my highly anticipated crops.

  the other good part is that my friends locally are seeing positive things happe to them before the end of the year, namely that two of my friends will be finding comfortable housing, and there is a space for me if i'm able to find a job and provide with the food or rent. either way, this is good, because it represents an opportunity which the universe wants me to consider.

  people keep asking me about florida and if i'm really going to be moving back, and i always tell them it's going to depend on my friend, alli, who is preparing everything for me to move. if she is able to make things happen for her and she can set things up for me to come over and help her manage them, then i'm gone. i cant stand staying in a miserable household much longer. it's quite detrimental to my mental health feeling as if i'm a liability wrapped in the mind of an insane criminal. i'm neither of those things, i am a perfectly sane, yet ultimately frustrated, boy who is trying his damndest to become a man on his own terms. why is that so hard for some people to comprehend?

* while it may appear that i am a wise person, i am no better than anyone else. i'm slightly worse off due to my own doing, but that's not up for debate; it's a known quantity in my mind. i guess, what makes it worse is knowing how well we could all have it if people gave me a chance to prove them wrong. it is one thing to be told one is wrong, but it is another entirely to never be given the chance to prove someone else is wrong and that we are indeed right.

  loving me can only support me insofar as money is provided. that's a sad reality, but one that must be faced with a strong back. one cannot merely subsist of handouts and favors without ever expecting that those helping us might require something from us in exchange for their help. good will is easily spent, but earning it is always more difficult. why? how come most people choose to rid themselves of your problems once it has become clear you were not expecting a half-assed attempt at help?

  all pointless questions, really, because answering them wont get me closer to my happiness. a job will, and even then, i might need two. see, if it were up to me, i'd be growing in my own backyard, but, as you can see, i do not live on my own. i live with my folks who are so old school they make the present seem like the future. *screams into the air* i cant even mention them without feeling like i'm having some sort of manic episode, ha ha ha.

* which brings me to the question which has been lingering in my brain since the day things happened: what the hell happened to me this year? it must be said that my year was full of "interesting" experiences, most of which pain me to talk about, and that's just plain weird.

  where the hell did i get the idea that i could do crazy things with my mind, and how come it's difficult for me to remember exactly what happened? why such craziness from the police in san francisco? how come i had to be hospitalized so often, but most importantly: who was behind all of this?

  again, the only thoughts that come to mind are the kind that say "i dont know" in a million different ways. i guess mentioning it was without a purpose, aside to juxtapose my newfound commitment to making my short term goals a reality. if it is true that i was channeling spirits and doing things i never knew i was capable of, then it shouldnt be so hard to transfer that energy into something more tangible which WILL have a financial benefit to me, versus having it cost me thousands. i guess, someway somehow i was supposed to find my purpose this year, and i think i finally have.

* dont have much else to say, aside from thanks to those who have taken the time to read this. now, if you'll excuse me, i have episodes on the DVR to catch up on, ha ha ha...

edwin