in one big puff of smoke...

  it's been tough lately, friends.

  some days i wake up and i'm fully of spunk, but lately, since i've been consistently taking my meds, i've been waking up drowsy and now i've got allergies to deal with. ugh.

  something's gotta give. i'm trying to handle my busines with regards to finances in order to find the assistance i require so that i can survive the way i feel deserve. it hasnt been easy. i have to admit this was not the way i envisioned the year going when it began. a part of me is beginning to think that perhaps i have greater mental health issues than have been diagnosed, but that sounds like doubt creeping in, so i dont know what to believe. suffice it to say i know that i'm crazy, but i am only now beginning to realize that i might be crazier than i ever imagined.

  i'll admit that being without marijuana has definitely been affecting my moods, but i think it has more to do with the stress and anxiety i'm normally under, like everyone else. i'm not used to living in a sedated mindset. the prescribed medication is making me feel like i'm a zombie again, so i have to consult my doctor, or therapist at least, so that we can determine if i must continue to take them, and if so for how long? it's not enough to simply be taking the meds, they have to be right.

  even attempting to write at the moment, i feel like i'm not able to enjoy such a basic action or thought. the anxiety kicks in and i'm left to ponder why i began to write at all; it's killing me slowly. perhaps i should simply discontinue writing this post and focus my energies into going to bed. so much yawning cannot possibly be helping me right now.

  tomorrow we will get things done, like having the cops sign off on my fix-it ticket so i can go to the city to get it taken care of. i'd also like to apply for general assistance and speak with social security to see if i qualify for disability payments for my recently diagnosed condition. in any case, i have to find a way to generate income, because going back to work with my parnents under present circumstances is liable to throw me into the loony bin again. such unhappiness is intolerable, and it begins in the depths of my heart, the likes a "broken heart" could never match. i cant quite pinpoint just how sad i feel right now, and have felt for some time, but it's a paralyzing type of sadness. it renders me unable to think; certainly a humble philosopher could suffer no worse an illness.

  yeah, it's time for bed now, my friends... *yawn*

edwin