old school values, new school rules...

  and people wonder why i'm such a picky bastard. i overanalyze everything to the point of paralysis, and i end up looking like an idiot, no matter how many times i try to play it cool. honestly, it makes me smile, because i'm always kicking myself after every thing, trying to figure out if the decision i made was the best possible one. after a lot of thinking about the subject and after some careful observations these past couple of months i've noticed one glaring thing: life is one big crapshoot.

  sure, it's easy to believe that successfully putting oneself through the college experience should lead to a steady job, but that's hardly the case. throw in the pressure to find a suitable partner and one's growing angst to eventually be ready to start a family, and i honestly dont know how most people live with themselves. it's like i'm endlessly supposed to be getting ready for the next big step in my life, it's difficult to explain. and where exactly is a charming young man such as myself supposed to find the love of his life when i'm still reeling from certain emotional baggage which came to the forefront this year? surely, no one knows, ha ha ha.

  the truth, as i see it, is that the best one can do is to better oneself to be in a better prepared position to make the next big decision. i'm lucky in the sense that i dont have children or any other serious commitments to attend to, so that the random adventures i have put myself through do not affect others beyond my immediate family. right now i can afford to decide if i want my life to move fast or slow and it only affects me, and i like that, but there is a growing desire for change. something inside me yearns for a partner, craves something meaningful which rests on one basic fact that is difficult to argue against, at least for a hopeless romantic like me: love trumps all.

  it should seem easier to me, to find such a love, since i have none of the usual prerequisites which i've mentioned above, or so one would believe. either way i look at it, i find it to be a difficult proposition to address. my heart is wide open and my brain is at least open to the idea of cooperating with it, but the same silly variables rear their heads. most revolve around money and my growing insecurity that it (money) is somehow important to the overall equation. sure, it would help if i had more financial security at the moment, but that doesnt make me less qualified a candidate for love, which it is said money cannot buy. instead, i'm left to deal with a sea of excuses and reasons for why i believe things are imperfect for love. maybe that's why i crave it, because i know what the following steps in my life will be and i'm almost too excited to get started with them. in my heart i feel as if having a suitable partner, one who is capable of loving me for who i am and nothing more, could propel me to perform at levels unseen in some time, but alas. maybe i'm just kidding my self and this entire rant is just the manifestation of it.

  i'm old school in many ways, mostly in that i am easy to please. however, i do ask for the basic respect and dedication any lover would ask for and deserves, which is to work just as hard on your life as i am working on mine. i'm new school in the sense that i dont believe in closed monogamy. when i put the two worlds together in my brain and i attempt to overlap the real world on top of it, it's enough to make my head spin, and that usually leads to trouble, and not always the good kind, though it has been found before. the real world provides a horrendous level of excuses and reasons to fear ending up alone, but the fantasy world only reminds me that i have bested these odds before and that i have been fully capable of finding a woman to love me just as i have stated. something within me never let those women in completely and unabashedly, and this is something which i've been wrestling with for the past couple of months. i feel as if i've failed in love up until now, but that's merely me being too harsh a critic of my self. i now feel as if i've learned enough from said past failures to know to jump in when i feel the proverbial water is right.

  i have much to be grateful for with regards to love and loving, of this i am entirely certain. that i have been unable to put all of the important variables in my life together to have made one of my past loves my bride is another issue altogether. i was born with a rebellious albeit honest spirit. i dream in amazing colors and sounds, but at the end of the day i have accomplished no more than when i graduated high school almost ten years ago. does this qualify me as a failure? i have no girlfriend and am not sure i would be considered "boyfriend material" at this point; does that mean i have failed, or am failing, somehow? not exactly.

  the game to which i am making mention is much like golf in that it is played against ones self. in the competition to have an amazing and exciting life i failed to properly recognize and overcome my handicaps. not that i'm trying to make excuses. for starters, it must be publicly declared that yes i am crazy and i am happy with that diagnosis. but what the means exactly will depend on the audience member who chooses to listen to my story. i'm still a little shy discussing the particulars of this years mental breakdown with strangers, but i try and remind my self that it was a simple breakdown, that the system, which is me, can be repaired and improved upon; that nothing is over yet, and that time is of the essence to make a comeback. after all, i've heard that people like a good underdog story, and i'm planning to place myself as a great underdog in an imperfect circumstance. i've had to overcome long odds just to be alive, so fixing my life and making it what i deserve for it to be shouldnt be too difficult, ha ha ha.

  when i think about it, my life has been a roller coaster ride, but i have always felt that the best parts of the ride were yet to come. i have my lifes experiences to measure against, but as much as i might try it's still too difficult to imagine love existing in my world any time soon. i've got plenty to work on before i'll feel comfortable enough to entertain it, but at the least i'm aware of the growing pains and angst which are fueled by my desire for a mate. or maybe, i just need to get laid, ha ha ha. that could very well be a possibility.

  it's just so easy for me to get caught up in the details surrounding my unhappiness that i forget that i'm also reverse-engineering my happiness at the same time. but when it comes to a woman in my life, all i'm looking for is an old school spirit who loves and works hard. like i said, i'm easy to please. if only life was as simple, maybe then it would be easier to deal with the realization that i've paralyzed my self for different reasons over the years and the academic progress i may hope to make is simply a delayed manifestation of the happiness i have deserved to feel all along.

  without naming them, all of the women i have loved have attempted to help me to learn this lesson but i failed myself when i refused to put it all together. what could any man ask for other than for a partner who loves him and will be by his side through the good and the bad? isnt that in itself enough to be publicly delared as being married? i can admit that i'm looking for a woman, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to meet her, nor should i be sure, that's what time is for, right?

  every thing changes next week when i go back to school and i will be forced to look for another job. i know i have to practice better managing my money and expenses, but i'm also committed to saving for a potential trip to el salvador this winter. i havent been back in over 12 years and i'm itching to go see my native home as i've never seen it before: as an adult. we'll see how things play out in the next couple of months, but for now i'm not going to put any pressure on my self. i have school to focus on and then a job to worry about, that's the extent of my preoccupations. i believe everything else will fall into place on it's own, or i'll make the necessary changes when i'm good and ready.

  in the meantime, i have much to be thankful for with regards to family, so i'll continue learning my lifes lessons through them while i prepare myself for the next opportunity to meet the right woman who will hopefully fit into my long-term goals.

edwin