in communion with the spirits...

* the past couple of days i've had flashes of my "old" self flicker in my brain. this makes me happy, because it is exactly what i've been waiting for. see, the way things work for me are by recognition and memory. in other words, i live through everything and i remember exactly how i got my self into certain situations, until something happens to knock me off of my perch, then i end up utterly confused, which is exactly what happened to me earlier this year.

  now, it seems everything is changing again. i dont know how to describe all of it, but if i had to try i'd have to claim certain revelations are finally occurring, which is what i had asked for in previous writings, and i'm thankful for this. otherwise, the only other way i would descibe my feelings recently is by saying that i'm regaining some of my old form.

  a trick i've been using to help me to cheer up is to remind my self that things are unfinished, but that i'm in no rush for them to reveal themselves to me. again, i perceive the world in a very special way, but this does not have to prevent me from being a productive member of society. in fact, i can probably use my special perspective to my advantage by producing killer stand-up based on the fact that i have already been diagnosed as crazy. it will have to be smartly written, of course, but i think i could pull it off.

"you want a reason why i can't be trusted? i've been certified by doctors as being crazy; you do the math and figure out if i'm a reliable witness to anything. for all i know, i'm having a manic episode right now, ha ha ha."

* i would have a built-in excuse for always being my self. or rather, i already have a built-in excuse for being my self, damn it. hell, i've already been diagnosed as crazy, i believe i'm crazy, and everyone who loves me would agree that most of what i think, say, and do revolves around a crazy thought, what's the point in selling my self as anything but crazy? crazy sells, damn it, believe me, i know. why else do you think cheap celebrity magazines rake it in at the cash register line in supermarkets? everyone wants to know what celebrities are up to, and it has already been proven that 99.9% of celebrities are crazy on some level. you almost have to be to make in the entertainment industry.

  only a strange thing happened: the internet was invented and now any shmuck with ability is being discovered, pandered, and pushed onto the masses, to the point that most people are afraid to produce truly original acts. or maybe i have it backwards? maybe, the internet is making it so that everyone can access everyone elses work, and now people are too spread out to spend the time to build a cult following, as was usually done back in the day? or maybe, people are working so hard trying to share their work with everyone everywhere that they end up having to take longer tours to reach every destination where they hold enough popularity to warrant a tour stop? i dont know, but regardless, i think the community of comics has yet to truly take advantage of everything the internet, and other new media, have to offer.

  that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

* you want to know what would be my dream job? honestly? with no joke involved? well, the jokes write themselves, but if i could pick any employment, i would want to be the mayor of san francisco. of course, i could always lobby for a position in any future races by nicknaming myself (again) as "the mayor of san francisco", but let's save that one for later. instead, let's think about how funny and entertaining it would be if i were the mayor of san francisco. it would certainly make for a great interview, ha ha ha.

interviewer: mr. coreas, how did you manage to acquire the mayoral position?
me: i picked the job out of a hat. someone said it possessed special qualities, i think they said it was a talking hat (thank you, JK Rowling), and it pretty much decided that i should be mayor.
interviewer: that's interesting, mr coreas, because we see here that there were dozens of people more qualified than yourself for the position. what makes you believe you deserve it above those candidates?
me: well, first, i believe in my abilities, and in those of the talking hat, so why wouldnt it make sense that together our collective wisdom could be trusted to make a decision on behalf of the voters which would actually make them happy? what makes me less deserving to run a city than any other business person, to whom the positions is usually rewarded? let's just use the example of the ancient romans, who would allow for anyone to be caesar if it meant protecting and defending a city. or wait, i'm rambling again, and i think i might have all of my facts confused. never-you-mind, the point i was trying to make is that i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and god-damn-it, people like me!

***

okay, so maybe the interview wasnt as funny as i thought, but it was worth writing it out. i tried, my friends, so forgive me if my effort was lacking in any way.

* i can honestly say i'm beginning to feel much better about everything. or at least, this is as good as i've felt in a really long time. i'm beginning to "feel" flashes of my old self and this excites me, because it means that i can hold hope that someday i will make a full recovery from this debacle which almost drove me completely insane. i can hold hope that someday i'll find myself revving with confidence, standing in front of a microphone, telling raunchy jokes which are a throwback to a time when people didnt hold reservations about what to say, they just said things, and they acted them out on-stage. i'm trying to tell you that i have a comic lion caged within and it's aching to break out of me, only i havent found the confidence to open his goddamned cage.

  the little kitty, which only appears to be innocent, stirs and purrs, and almost seductively asks to be let out, but it is this lack of emotion which reminds me that he is not ready. once the animal inside is raring to be let out, only then will i consider setting him free. he used to be a hungry lion, one who made me proud, but his spirit was taken from me. i feel that all of this is about to change. only time will tell.

  in any case, i thank you for reading this...

edwin