i swear i'll end up crazy, regardless of effort...

*  my math test killed me. at least, that's the official word. out of 10 questions, i managed to successfully complete one. no bueno, as the saying goes. all i could think about afterwards was to cuss my self out and ask my self if the past 7 years of not being in school were worth it. i hated my self, and i had to vent somehow, so taking it out on my self was the best and easiest option. where do we go from here? not sure, aside from thinking about taking advantage of the assistance of the math tutors in the library. that's gotta be the solution, because otherwise i am stumped.

*  all of that got me thinking about my childhood and growing up, and how much i wish certain things could've been different. to start off: my success in life was predetermined years ago, but it was my advanced academic abilities which allowed me to overcome certain obstacles. now, it seems said abilities have diminished considerably and i must resort to being a super-student, something i am not used to and am presently struggling with, just to make sure i pass the aforementioned math class. but this goes beyond a simple math class.

  this speaks to the difficulty of raising a child for immigrant parents. on one hand, it would be so easy to blame my parents lack of parenting ability for the way my life has ended up, but on the other hand i know only i can bear the full responsibility for my lack of success. it's been almost ten years since i graduated high school and 7 years since i left college, and i've bee "in charge" of my life ever since. hell, i left my house at 17 because things had grown difficult and impossible at home. however, even that statement shows glimpses of some of the difficulties i have had to overcome. throw in the raging hormones of a post-adolescent, and all of the myriad of distractions life has managed to throw my way and it becomes clear that i am not the same well-equipped boy who graduated from high school. when did things change?

  the answer to that question lays within this year and last. somewhere along the way my mental fortitude diminished and weakness seeped in, and my inability to adapt to an ongoing failure only made things worse. now, i'm at the point of having to answer some of lifes hard-hitting questions, only i continue to feel as alone as ever in having to deal with such great issues. who do you blame when a child feels as if he's had to raise himself all of his life and he demonstrates certain inevitable failures? who is to blame for my lack of discipline and for my inability to perform at a certain ability? who is to blame for my lack of success? again, the scales do not weigh more on either side. i refuse to allow my self to become a victim of circumstance, but i'm also at an age where i'm at a crossroads. i dont want to alienate my self further from my family by stirring up another argument, but certain truths, as perceived by me, will undoubtedly never be discussed. at least, not until i graduate with a degree.

*  and we return to the pressures and expectations of growing up, only i'm not a boy anymore. i am a full grown man, but i certainly do not feel this way. hell, in the past year, after everything i've been through, i feel like i've lost a part of my self. part of the outgoing spirit i used to feel and possess is gone, and i dont know how to replace it. i havent felt like myself ever since i got out of the hospital for the third time back in april, and even then, it's hard to say i was "my self". the only thing which is certain is that i'm a lunatic and i'm having a difficult time feeling like a "normal" person. anxiety and stress take a hold of me and i freak out, but i dont recall this being the case before i was diagnosed with my illness of bi-polar. what the hell happened to me?

*  the answer might never be found out. some of the experiences i have lived through might never be repeated, so i will have to find a way to make my self happy by focusing exclusively on my self, something which is unnatural to me, because i usually work best in the service of others. what's certain is that things must change, and that time will provide me with unexpected surprises along the way. my life has always been that way. i dont know what the turnaround time is for someone who has gone through something similar to my experiences this year, but i have to believe that it takes a while to get back to being ones self. a few weeks ago i thought i had felt something come alive which had been dormant for months, but i guess it was just a reminder from the real world that sometimes i need to play by the rules, especially when in public places. no need to elaborate beyond that.

  i guess it's just a matter of time and effort. time is a constant and effort is a variable which i most certainly control. let's prioritize and hopefully things will turn out well in the end. after all, this is just life we're talking about, not some random equation for something super complicated. i make things complicated, which i guess is how i ended up with the desire to want to write this blog. i have to get off my ass and begin putting the effort necessary to see my desired results.

  and that's the line i've been walking lately, between wanting to try harder and wanting to give up. giving up wont accomplish anything, beyond setting me back a full year, and trying harder has yet to be attempted, with all honesty included. what happened to creating a better structure for success around me? i guess i forgot that it takes time and effort...

thanks for reading...

edwin