every man needs a muse...

* i thought i had it all figured out, but the more i think about things the more i become confused. i thought i was living my life with a purpose, but it turns out i had alterior motives and i'd been sabotaging my previous relationships as a result. i thought i had school figured out, until i learned that i'm not as good at math as i used to be. i thought i knew what i was doing, but that resulted with me making three trips to the hospital on 5150 status. i thought i had a greater purpose, but i feel i have yet to truly discover it.

  strangely, all of this feels a little weird to me, because it's almost as if things are supposed to happen this way. some would say i'm having an identity crisis, but if this is true, then when has it ever eneded? when have i ever truly been happy, and what happened for the change to sadness to occur in the first place?

* the point i was trying to make is that i thought i had a one true love, but it turns out i've been confused all along. she is just a friend, she says, and i can respect that completely. as it happens, i've grown to deal with disappointment much better than in the past, so having to deal with reality on such terms is much easier for me. the awkwardness is still unusual, but the idea behind the concept remains the same: this is the real world.

  the real world compels me to confusion. i've always had difficulty grasping the concept of reality, because my interpretations were dependant upon internal observations running concurrently with my perspective and my inner monologue. if one part of the trifecta was off, the whole thing was off. i believed my dialogue was the key to every thing, that all i had to do was to listen for the sound of my voice and everything would sync up perfectly. the problem i ran into was when things stopped and i was depended to speak; i didnt know what to say. my attempts were met with strange responses, which only helped to ruin the game i was playing with my true love, or so i believed.

*  every man has to learn to deal with it, so why am i having such a difficult time? rejection from the ultimate woman, my friends, is a dish best served between bouts of mania. somehow i believe this will all play out as it was supposed to, i just hope i dont end up in the hospital again as a result. there is just a strangeness to my everyday life right now which almost allows me to begin to speak about actions which have yet to take place. how can i be so confident? i'm endlessly feeling like i'm either catching up or falling behind, only right now every thing feels different, as if i've fallen too far behind and now i dont want to spend the energy catching up. dont you know that a confused boy always stumbles when he walks?

* i thought i had someone with whom i could grow old, but i dont. she lives halfway across the world and has surely forgotten any semblance of love which once existed. i thought it would never end, but perhaps it never truly began? it's strange, but why has it felt like i'd been living for her all along? why have i never been able to rid my self of her name? "strange", one might say, "but it seems like you're being a little obsessive, edwin." one wouldnt be far off, if it werent for the fact that i'm not obsessing. i'm merely attempting to ask a long-winded question. i though you knew; this is my typical style.

* the rub: so if i'm not supposed to end up with nadiya, because she clearly has plans for herself in the real world, and i'm certainly not supposed to end up with scarlett johansson (read previous entries, specifically those with titles revolving around my diagnosis of bi-polar) because she's married in the real world, then who the hell was i chasing through the the streets of san francisco, which resulted in the the aforementioned trips to the hospital? spiritually speaking, i was being guided, but by whom? if anyone knows, please feel free to answer me. i swear, i'm not upset and wont become upset upon learning the truth. what's my consolation prize?

  again, i thought i was playing a game with my self by myself, but it turns out there was a bigger picture involved. had to be, there were too many things that happened for everything to be left up to chance, and i'm refusing to believe it was all one big coincidence, like the cops would've liked me to believe. while it is also possible that i was hallucinating, i also refuse to believe this. again, the facts speak for themselves, but i'm the only one who knows what they are, which puts me in the precarious situation of having to explain, often without the luxury of details, a made-for-tv-movie experience into minutes which simply does not do it justice. all of this is enough to make a boy want to pull out his hair, but still i persist.

  what should be my motivating factor?

* if a hero, as perceived by many to be the person we all want to be successful in a story, has no use for traditional motivating factors, what does he have left? if one has no need for country, glory, fame, riches, women, etc., is one rich or has one learned to live a truly blessed life? i didnt mention god, because god can be motivating to some or destructive to others. even god deserves a place in the real world, because there is just too much that i've lived through to ever deny their existence. i mean, part of the reason why i'm writing this right now is because i felt more motivated to type than to sleep. surely, there is room to allow for the presence of a spirit to have compelled me to wake up out of my slumber to sit down to write this, or have we collectively decided to murder the concept of god?

* i'm not used to the position in which i presently find my self. it feels like i'm dragging my feet through my life because i'm upset i didnt get answers to questions i had, things which had driven me for years, but which, upon further review, were probably just fueling my madness. *shakes head* i dont know what to believe anymore, and i doubt i'll ever relive half of what i've already been through, but somethings gotta give. either i'm destined to spend the rest of my days in misery, or someday all of this will make perfect sense. i hope it's the latter, but i know more work is left to be done if that is to be the case. for example, i have to be able to recreate some of the success i had initially, otherwise this whole thing has been for naught. does this mean i have to plan my timing better, or just that i have to catch-up to real-time speeds, because i have the sneaky suspicion that i'm "playing from behind", as the sports saying goes.

  either way, something's gotta give...