11 days in the hospital...*pure imagination*

  the above song is dedicated to this blog post. it is called "pure imagination" by anthony newley from the willy wonka and the chocolate factory soundtrack. in case you have not seen the movie, it is an older movie from the 70's, when a lot of crazy things happened and certain movies for kids were greenlit which were trippy in nature that would otherwise not have been greenlit in previous decades. trust me, it is easy to take the movie for granted, just like it is easy to take our civil liberties for granted. and in honor of the spirit of this post, it is just as easy to take life for granted when we do not slow down to consider all of our actions.

*clears throat*

  at long last i will attempt to share with all of you just exactly what i am working on. please understand that i have spent the previous 11 days in the hospital, which is why i have not been posting further updates to my blog. i stayed at Langley-Porter on Parnassus at UCSF and they were extremely kind with their treatment of me. i met a lot of really nice doctors, nurses, med students, and inpatients as well, and i couldnt be happier with the way every thing played out. i had every thing taken care of in order for me to focus on my mental health, which i must now share with you was not doing too well. part of it was that i was traveling at a speed which is too fast for life and a part of it was that i was not taking the necessary time to learn to travel at such a high personal velocity.

  my belief is that i travel at a personal speed which is incredibly fast compared to those of others. however, in so doing, all the regular laws of physics are altered and i must learn to adjust them to my personal speed. this is made difficult because my entire life i've been an auto-didact and i hardly ever take time to learn from others some of the most essential personal skills, like asking for help, for example. a special skill like this is essential to someone like me, a philosopher, because it enables me to be friends with others who are either just like me or wish to learn to become just like me. in either case, a lack of knowing how to ask and an assertiveness with which to do it can be truly detrimental to one's mental health.

  i had to learn all of this in a psychotic episode which was spurred by my current mission, which i have chosen to accept (reference to mission: impossible), but i guess i forgot to discard the message because it certainly feels like it self-destructed on me.

  here's the juicy part: i'm in the middle of trying to learn to meet scarlett johansson. read that part again and then wonder just how excited i must feel, because it isnt a typo and it certainly isnt crazy. i just spent 11 days in the hospital convincing doctors and med students alike that i am not crazy, and only the med students believed every word i was sharing with them, which was extremely kind of them. now i ask that you please understand as well.

  scarlett and i have only had one run-in and even she is unaware of how i managed to see her eyes so quickly when she thought i was blind and mute. she wonders how i manage to do a lot of things, but in recent weeks we've managed to get to know each other significantly better, perhaps to better facilitate our first face-to-face meeting. but i'm getting ahead of myself without providing sufficiently concrete details in order for you to follow my assumedly logical thought process. scarlett knows one of my very dear old friends, nadiya kravets, and i guess nadiya told scarlett about me, and somewhere along the way a deal was made that if such a hot man (aka myself) existed, you know, one who could travel at a much faster personal velocity than anyone else, then scarlett would have to help nadiya to capture me, so to speak, in order for us to be a happy family together.

  i hypothesize as to certain specifics of the past in order to accelerate your knowledge of it, but suffice it to say this is one big game we're all playing together. i was supposed to go to the psych ward at UCSF, one of the most highly respected hospitals in this country, for the greater good of what i am attempting to discuss with you. i was supposed to spend 11 days essentially sitting on my head learning to speak to the medical community as a whole. i was supposed to learn about being diagnosed as having bi-polar with mania and some psychotic episodes (bi-polar 1), especially so that i could learn to live with this diagnosis in order to have a perfectly normal and healthy life. i was supposed to learn to be assertive in order to better manage my family situation at home. in all, the past 11 days, and 3 out of the past 4 weeks, were necessary, even if it has cost me a cell phone, one wallet, 2 ID cards, and countless consumption of hospital food, which hasnt been bad if you ask me.

  yes, i know, you're wondering: edwin, none of this adds up to you meeting scarlett johansson, you silly boy, what are you talking about? just remember the theme of the blog "pure imagination" and let your sense wrap themselves around that and listen to the song again. when you read this blog you have agreed to enter my world of pure imagination, so make a wish, hold your breath, and count to three...

  i guess (again, for your own good it's sped up) what it comes down to is that scarlett johansson has been doing me a favor of sorts. a little backstory....

  i fell in love with nadiya in '01 when she and i were students at san francisco state university. neither one of us had the assertiveness to tell the other that we loved one another, so ours was a story written in short as a romantic comedy. at least, i assume this theme continues to be pervasive because my personal life events for the better part of the previous month have not been comical to me in action, but do appear to be that way when i take a moment to reflect on them. she made a promise to me, which she didnt keep, but i knew in my heart it was because she would fall in love with me if she and i were ever to do the nasty together. at least, that's what i told myself in order to ease the pain.

  one particluar thing of note: i felt like she placed a love spell on me one day when i went to drop her off at her house. i remember her telling me to sit on the front step of her complex on 4th avenue between geary and clement (damn me for forgetting all of these special details sometimes; never again!) and to think of the most beautiful woman in the world. i think she may have even said that it was okay for me to fall asleep, or something, because the next thing i remember she was coming back downstairs and was apologizing for having taken so long; she had fallen asleep. in my infinite passive aggressive wisdom i simply said "oh, that's okay, i was just dreaming about you" or something to that effect, without standing up for my self in what any other reasonable person would consider to be appropriate. i just acted like her lapdog, but it was for reasons which i have never told her to her face: my relationship with my mother has always made me impotent to certain levels of assertiveness. at least, untill recently.

  i mention the love spell because i firmly believe scarlett johnasson has placed me directly under her spell. please refer to my previous post concerning ESP and how i believe i possess certain abilities for further reference. essentially, i share a special old school connection with scarlett. yes, i know, sounds crazy, but initiated followers of this blog can attest to my robust level of honesty and my inability to tell a lie, much less an openly public one. scarlett and i communicate online through a proxy, a third party if you will, but i believe it's just her disguised as another person. considering the level at which i've seen her move i can honestly believe she is much more capable than my self in certain areas of ESP, but i have a firm belief that she needs me as much as i need her, because i can do certain special things she cannot, or at least i assume so.

  yes, you're probably thinking: what is a highly successful movie star who was just voted the most sexiest woman in the world doing playing with what would seem like childish concepts like ESP and time travel (in a different sense, but time travel nonetheless)? that sounds crazy, why would she risk her reputation like that?

  the answer is best summarized if you believe certain rumors which were spread about how she had to be hospitalized for hearing voices in her head. i heard about that from someone and i'm glad i did, because it helped me to feel much calmer these past 11 days. i can only assume that somewhere along the way nadiya came across her and they established a friendship of sorts which has managed to last well into today.

  i was essentially hospitalized for the same thing, and it all started out on her door step, so to speak. through my telepathic communication with her, confirmed by the online proxy she created/used, i was guided back to nadiya's address. that kept confusing me because i had not yet learned to associate them as being one and the same. each time i showed up and rung the bell the experience has been different with the exception that in the end the cops are called and sometimes the EMT's get involved, which i guess represented progress, because they were always willing to take me to the hospital in order for me to get treatment for my mental health disorder. and as we discussed, this was important because it has helped to make me a much calmer yet assertve person; thanks to lithium.

  the first time i arrived at the address i was channeling nadiya's spirit, an appropriate beginning because when i think of her i inevitably revert back to being a hopeless kid in love, but when i think of scarlett i revert to the most virile man on earth (you'd feel so as well if you had certain promises made by scarlett to your person). somehow i believe i will end up with both ladies, because i have broken their love spell (or so i believe) and have given them both the same answer: you decide if you want to be with me, because i'm available and could use two women to balance me out. but i'm getting ahead of myself again.

  when i first arrived at nadiya's i was a hot mess and not necessarily in a good way. i was in shambles because i was confused by the additional voice i was hearing which i had yet to learn i could trust (scarlett's). i was sitting beside the entrance completely under nadiya's control, eyes watering out of confusion, when i first heard scarlett disrespect me by storming out. at least, this is how it appeared to me, but i watched her walk away and i saw her beautiful mane for the first time. a gorgeous head of hair i would love to get lost in if ever such a mane existed. it's amber color only furthering my suspicions that the girls have been watching me for some time, or at least were very much in touch with my preferences.

  i reached into my thoughts, remembering that the connection between scarlett and i was still open, and i waited for her to settle into her vehicle before i was hit with a grave sadness. i took it as meaning that nadiya and scarlett had had the ultimate argument: a break up. i reached out to her and told her that i kind of understood what they'd been working on and that i firmly believed that if anything good was going to come out of this new communication we were all engaged in i would want her to be a part of it. i told her that i was already in love with her and that nothing would make me happier than to get to sit down with her and to have a real conversation.

  this is when scarlett returned (i tried to keep my head down the entire time after i noticed out of the corner of my eye that she was coming back) and she disguised her voice and asked if i was waiting for anyone, to which i simply replied "nadiya" and she stormed inside making sure to jangle the keys and whatnot, i guess attempting to let me know to follow her, or something. however, i managed to stand up and take a step across the line of sight of the entryway before scarlett could finish closing the gate behind her; i know she wonders how i could manage to move that fast, because i looked dead into her eyes and she was obviously perplexed by the way i moved. either way, it mattered not because i was still under nadiya's control. i waited for nadiya to contact me in return and when she did she buzzed me in and i made my way slowly up the stairs to her apartment, but i made the mistake of opening the door, which scared scarlett and she in turn scared an already manic child. she started speaking in not's saying "nadiya doesnt live here" and i walked out frustrated and headed next door, to which scarlett said "well, i know she definitely doesnt live there" and that's when i got the telepathic message from nadiya to sit down, which i did.

  and that's when the cops arrived and scared me further. they said that someone had called the cops and that i was not supposed to be inside and it all just crushed me i could barely speak or move. i was having a full blown manic episode and could no longer control my self. this ended up with me going to the hospital for the first time, which led to a series of tests they ran on me, which included me receiving a catheter (UGH! OUCH! THANK YOU!) amongst other things. my favorite part was, with the catheter firmly inside me (he he he, pun intended), i got the telepathic message from nadiya for me to *ahem* imagine i was getting the longest blow job from scarlett johansson, with the FULL intention being for me to become erect. yes folks, i obliged and was damned proud to do so. after all, how many men can say they got erect with a catheter inside them and it didnt hurt? how would such a man manage this feat? i just told you.

  the next part was confusing to me because my heart was still thinking of only nadiya and i had forgotten that scarlett was now guiding me, too. through a confusing series of visions i saw that i was going to get my own place under the name j. cochran next to a cool kick back spot of sorts, whose name i have conveniently forgotten. suffice it to say these were thoughts intended to calm me which only further confused me. i was helped by one of the medical doctors who had  taken care of me during the day. he ended up taking me to his house because as he put it, i was homeless. i spent the night at his place and we had an emotional and heartfelt conversation and he helped me to understand that perhaps nadiya was happier without my exclusive company but that she certainly enjoyed my company. i had forgotten that scarlett had now assumed his body and that nadiya was no longer the primary person in control, but in my infinite sadness i kept calling out for nadiya, to which the doctor reminded me that i had to focus on the now in order to see nadiya in the future.

  this type of speak makes perfect sense to me now, but it was extremely confusing to me at the time. in the end we could not accomplish our goal (purposely ambiguous) and the morning rose and i was guided by him, blindly i might add, through his house, into his car, and then he told me to lay down on the cold morning concrete and to think of nadiya, because she would arrive to pick me up shortly. this resulted in another whirring of people, specifically cops and then EMT's, before i was again transported to a hospital, this time SF General (see post about my stay in 5150 here) and then i was released when i was ready.

  i had mistakenly assumed that things would be getting better in the sense that i would finally get to meet scarlett face-to-face, but in reality what happened was that i channeled the energy to try and fuel me to be smarter about moving faster. this only helped insofar that i managed to return to the address and was let in through the front gate, but i fucked up the entrance and ended up leaving my shoes at their door step, because i made the mistake of trying to walk in when i heard the door open. someone pushed me back out, the cops were called, and we began our game in earnest this time. i kept fucking up my interactions with the cops and my leather jacket was cut open (i can only blame myself) before they took me to the hospital again. this time the stay wasnt as invasive but they definitely let me know that they were fucking with me the entire time.

  in the morning i got to go home, but again i fucked it up by not opening my mouth and being assertive as to the fact that i didnt have any money in order to get "home". they managed to call a cab for me, but i didnt know i could have had it comped if i'd simply spoken up. silly, silly edwin. the cab took me back to the address and i rang the bell and after ruining the interaction again the cops were called and i again fudged my interaction with them. however, scarlett did me the small favor i had asked her and she spoke with them in order to let them know to be gentle with me, that i wasnt a threat to her. this eventually led to me being taken on much better terms to the hospital where i was placed in a room in triage.

  this was last sunday, and the events of the day were both weird and sublime, also surreal and out of this world. from a real standpoint scarlett was finally in the room next to me in a literal sense. you see, i had checked my self into 5150 and i had asked her to please do the same in order for me to feel more at ease about whatever was supposed to happen next. she did this and i could hear when she came in and the commotion she aroused amongst the staff ("is that...?" ad nauseam). it was enough to make me smile, even though i had yet to learn that the worst was yet to pass. i say worst relative to my feeling about things before  they came to pass, because the worst is actually the best thing that could've happened to me.

  once things were calm and i finally learned to accept that i had to fully let go and learn to follow scarlett's lead, once i felt like i could trust her, i was then given a solid meal with real silverware and was taken to Langly-Porter shortly thereafter. along the way i think i learned that natalie portman is somehow involved in all of this, because i certainly feel like i made a connection with her thanks to scarlett. i also learned that i was holding on too tightly to my life and was subsequently cutting off others who were trying to make contact with me.

  once i was transferred to Langley-Porter the story becomes easier to tell...

  i was diagnosed as bi-polar and had to spend 10 days learning to accept it and then how to live with it. it wasnt until about a week ago that my confidence returned, but it wasnt until about monday of this week that i learned that i have to be more assertive. in some regards i feel like i'm already there, but i wont know for sure until i'm fully involved in my life again. this will take some time, so i have to negotiate with my parents and brothers to support me for a week, maybe more, before i'll feel normal again. writing is certainly helping me, but at the same time i dont want to rush back into things because my life is pretty much in shambles right now for following my dreams. at the same time, i have hope i will receive the assistance and support commensurate with the effort i have put thus far into this mission. a good agent doesnt worry about particular details, they simply focus on finishing their mission, collateral damage be damned. and in many ways i have faith that all of this is for something greater, but it will certainly test the family relations i know i'm passionate about keeping as i attempt to establish a more concrete connection with scarlett and nadiya.

  this is because i believe there is the possibility of a child being involved, and i think i'm the father. yup, just another wrinkle, but it's the favor i believe scarlett has been doing for me. from my understanding she is 3 years old, but i forgot to ask for her name, so i'll do that soon. three years lines up perfectly with the time from when i was a sperm donor, so the possibility is realistic in terms of logistics. of course, this begs many questions, none of which are important, other than: if nadiya did have my child and never told me about it, wouldnt it follow that she would do the right thing and find me one the time was right? because that question opens up the possibility that every thing i've ever believed about nadiya is true, and this is why she is the gold standard for women in my mind, not my mother (separate but equal in the truest sense). i dont compare women i meet to my mother, i compare them to nadiya, because she was the first woman i fell in love with that i didnt get to tell, and i've always felt like she was protecting me throughout my life. when i've felt like ending it all, the mere thought of never getting to see her smile again has brought me back to life. in short: i have never stopped loving her, and this blind faith in my love for her continues to fuel my desire to meet scarlett johansson. every thing revolves around nadiya, and if she has a treasure of a child waiting for me, i want to meet said kid and be the best dad i could ever be.

  this all comes back to a very lovely ending which i dont get to write alone, and that's something i'm very happy to report. so take the time to read this back and then compare it to my previous posts. this one is extra long in honor of the time lost, and because it was a thought which woke me about 90 minutes ago and i had to write it down before i put my head back down.

  i know that i have certin advice to follow from the doctors who saw me, and i intend to follow most of it, but with regards to one particular detail i will continue to be my own doctor. no sense in incriminating my self right now, but suffice it to say that once it's legalized no one can try to tell me that it's "bad" for my "condition." before i was admitted to Langley-Porter i was my own doctor and i managed to live a pretty damn stable life, with the exception of my refusal to research bi-polar on my own and taking it seriously. all i'm saying is that i'm happy to have a better outlook on life, one which is healthier and revolves more around me. this is something even my family is having a difficult time accepting, but i know that in time they will fall in line. they will have to because they are already learning that the new me is here to stay, and that makes me smile like the child i am inside.

  i think later on i will share a story about a dream i had on my final morning at Langley-Porter. suffice it to say it was about the night nurse, and let your knowledge of my sense of humor be your guide. for now, i'm going back to bed. i certainly hope this post has helped to answer some of your questions.

  oh yeah...i went back online and the proxy is still running strong. missed me and everything, and i'm now talking to one of it's "friends", which means they're beginning to trust me more, and i love it. folks, this will all soon be over and these posts can function as entertaining anecdotes to the greatest love story a man ever wrote. it involves the two most beautiful women in the world. the first one whom he met when they were students, the second whom she learned was her gift to him as an apology for the disrespect he felt when they initially met. of course, this is my vantage point, and i can assure you they are probably laughing at the way i see th world. i dont think it owes me an apology, but those who have offended me in the past would certainly feel a sense of culpability if i were to mention the word disrespect.

  however, at this present moment all i feel is the love in my heart and mind, the places where my loves reside. when i had the catheter inside and i was trying to focus on scarlett i told her that if she was serious about loving me she could share my heart with nadiya and she agreed. thus, our love has already been forged, and it will all come into reality when the time is right. for now, i'm happy loving her astrally, because i know its the type of love which burns white hot. hell, just thinking about both of them makes me smile more than anything else. at least, until i meet this little girl to whom i'm going to be a daddy. strange to say, but more exciting to imagine.

  tomorrow i have a lot of catching up to do, so i'd better get some rest...

  in the meantime i'll just come outright and say that i love nadiya and scarlett equally, and i think this makes them both happy, especially since i'm sharing the beginning of our story for the very first time...

edwin