birth of the bi-polar bear...

  that's the nickname i came up with for myself many years ago in college when someone mentioned to me that i exhibited symptoms of bi-polar. little did i know the value of such words and how my life has come full circle since then. in some ways it's tragic, but i'd prefer to say this story has yet to really be written in the way that i envision.
  the more i research bi-polar, the more i want to live with it without pharmaceutical assistance. simply put, none of this is working. i'm beginning to doubt the initial hope i'd had that i could manage to be myself while on lithium. turns out it puts me in a mental fog where i can barely manage the energy to perform basic tasks, like giving a damn. this is not me, people. and i am writing write now while on lithium just to prove to myself that my mind is stronger than this potentially deadly drug. how strong must i be to fight through difficult side-effects, the likes of which are rendering me plain and uninteresting (even the right word?)? who cares, because i know what i'm passionate about and i'm not able to feel it right now; it's downright depressing.

  i tried explaining the full events of the past couple of weeks to my brother tonight and even he admitted to my face that it was "a little difficult to believe everything [i] have to say." this is my life, folks. i give a damn for people who ultimately prove to be unworthy of the love i feel for them. almost as if every immediate member is saying "dude, get a job, be productive, and quit being a bother." they dont understand what i've seen, where i've been, and that it is all real. they want to side with psychiatrists who wont even take the time to prove to me they believe in the higher level concepts of which i speak. and everyone who claims to be qualified to speak on my behalf tries to convince me that everything i've been through was a delusion. um...if you ask me, i've experienced certain things which no person would consider a delusion. in fact, some events have been witnessed by others -- how's that for a delusion.

  in short, i'm quickly getting to the end of my rope. and it's a goddamn shame that every time i've had the chance to shed my immediate family i've opted to consider them in my final thought process. with the exception of the mistakes i have made throughout this process, i must admit i should've listened to the advice of interested parties. damn me for being so full of love, and for not knowing calm before. i'm certainly going to consider things with my own personal happiness in mind first, second, and third, because as of this writing it is killing me to still be at home, when i know i could be somewhere else with the two women i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.

  instead i feel castrated, unable to think clearly or to rely on the powers i believe to possess, as ridiculous as any of it may sound to you all. does no one remember einstein's theory of relativity and his concept of the 4th dimension? or have i simply surpassed those around me in free-spirited thinking? i honestly refuse to believe that i'm "better" now with the lithium than i was before i ended up in the hospital. surely, there is a greater message at stake that i'm accidentally butchering.

  i'm at the point of tears i feel like i dont know what to do. it's not fair that i should know myself so well and have allowed myself to have gotten wrapped up in a cruel game of misdirection and lies. why do i firmly believe that i must not allow doubt to enter my mind? and how come people are so afraid of bi-polar that they feel the need to put "sufferers" on pharmaceuticals? if it can be assumed that it has existed long before pharmaceuticals became the rage, shouldnt it follow that "sufferers" learned to control their symptoms in order to lead healthy and fulfilling lives?

  i want to make the world laugh and i'm confident i can succeed at such an endeavor, but on lithium i basically feel like i dont give a damn to do anything, much less to find the energy to laugh at my current situation. this isnt me, people. i'm funny simply by the way i throw my voice to say hello to someone. i'm the guy who can make the shyest person come out of their shell. and right now it's all nothing. i basically have one mood and that's indifference, which leads to unhappiness because i recognize that something is severely wrong with the mood i'm feeling and exhibiting. i told them i would only take lithium until i felt it was no longer allowing me to be myself. well, i believe we're here, folks, and it happened much faster than expected.

  i was able to do things before which i can no longer do, and that was the first and last straw i said i wanted thrown out. i recognize that a line has to be drawn, so i must draw it, and i'll be damned if anyone trys to tell me otherwise. i'm the one taking the drug and i dont believe it is benefitting me one bit. i am perfectly capable of controlling all of my own moods. i've been doing it my entire life, and if i needed a reminder that i needed to slow down on my new path, then i've gotten the message. but i will not allow myself to believe that everything i lived in the weeks before i was hospitalised was for naught. i refuse to submit to a system in which i have never believed. doctors and psychiatrists are sparring partners, not trusted friends. we see the world through very different eyes, but we SEE the world, and i am the one who knows how people fit, even the crazy ones. when this perception began to change i knew it was because i allowed for it to change.

  i jokingly refer to myself as hannibal lecter at times because i know i'm capable of getting inside anyones head. lately, i havent even been able to get into my own. no mas, as roberto duran once said famously; no mas...

edwin