what's the alternative?

  surely, it has crossed my mind. to say that suicide has never crossed our minds is to say one has never gazed into the abyss hidden within each of us and pondered the alternative to life. it's simple, really: there is no alternative.

  it's a trick question, much like a lot of perplexing questions i ask. my personal favorite: we can do this the easy way or the hard way? this, again, is a trick, because the easy way isnt so easy and the hard way isnt that hard. it's a test of patience and understanding, and let's just say a lot of people fail it, but i aim to help them to understand my complicated ways. if i offered everyone the easiest way to do something i already know they will not always listen to what i have to say in order to accomplish their desired objective. it's a game i play in order to measure the value of the person in front of me. sure, it may sound manipulative, but how else is one supposed to determine the level of trust one can have with another person? i've often been accused of being too trustworthy, and while this is true, it has always led to a lesson with a hard-earned moral which has helped me to mature as a person.

  case in point, my present situation.

  i followed my heart and attempted to better myself for my family and i ended up heartbroken, or at least feeling this way. now, because i continue to refuse to follow convention i'm being alienated by the only people i have ever claimed to be serving, which are my family. it's a lovely way for them to show their appreciation. since i refuse to conform to their ideas of normality i'm deemed the bad guy. i'm given the unenviable task of succeeding as an outcast because i refuse to accept their help on their terms, regardless of the fact that it is meaningless help. to posture for the sake of pride is to spit in my face, and i consider it offensive that they should even attempt to question my intelligence. there is nothing left to hide, i'm aware of all of the flaws which make my existence and their own, and it has always felt like i am the only one who is willing to take accountability of this.

  well, it's all over. there is no more niceness for me to share with my family. and as a result they have expedited the frustration, they are giving me more stress as has always been typical of them. it was foolish of me to believe that they would ever begin to attempt to understand me. to them, i have always been an enigma, because they have never chosen to listen to the explanations behind my rationale. it is seriously something which causes me heart-felt grief, and it's pathetic.

  that was the purpose of yesterday's post. what does family mean to you, because i think of what it means to me and i have no clue. family is a word that is thrown around by too many people, and at the end of the day i am left alone. however, i blame no one. i blame my self for not building in a safety net. i knew that money would be the ruin of my connection with my family, and not because we would ever have too much of it, but because some would feel that we do not have enough of it. well, that day is finally upon me and i welcome it with open arms. i'm going to find the way to get on government assistance and i'm going to make something of my life. when one has no one else to turn to, there is always trusty uncle sam. i certainly qualify for being in a hardship, so we'll see what kind of lovely assistance i qualify for, including medical, which will hopefully help to settle some of the hospital bills i never asked to incur.

  you see, people, i'm like a cat, a misunderstood cat, a cheshire cat. let's look at the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland. he would appear and disappear at will, and he always warned her of things to come, but she never listened. she always knew he was around because she could see his smile, but she never fully trusted such a mysterious creature. well, he was always laughing, which certainly didnt help, but it was she who misunderstood his levity. he could peer into the future to see where she'd do wrong and all he wanted was to aide her, but she would not listen. the days of me being alice are over. i am going to be the cheshire cat, and i will rest on the moon and attempt to help any who are wise enough to listen. but i will be smarter about when i appear, in order to always surrender the illusion of control to those who wish to obtain it. control is just an illusion like time, and i refuse to attempt to control either. i recognize both because it is necessary, but i will not fall victim to them as vices.

  my family wants to control me, but they fail to recognize that they have little say in the matter. the only person who controls my life is my self; no one else. i'm tired of feeling like i am under their control, and i'm going to do everything i can to begin to be completely independent. it is something i have always desired, but for foolish reasons, i always felt i could rely on my family for assistance than to ask the government for the same. whatever remnants remained of the "boy" they once knew is no longer available to them. from now on, i will choose when i want to reveal my true self to them, but i already know they hate who i am, so it is easier to exist amongst them in silence. it is a simple game which every child knows works: the quiet game. the more quiet i remain, the more they have to recognize that i have done no wrong. if i speak no evil, there is none to perceive, only the projections of their fears and insecurities.

  if i can convince others that i am a mute, then how do people know the sound of my voice? this whole time i never knew i was playing a game, because no one ever told me to my face. now that i have finally figured out the game and it's rules, i am the master of my domain, which is all that i survey. but i do not wish to govern, i simply wish to observe, and in so doing i am empowering my self to live as an artist, the greatest of all creators. my heart is my guide and happiness my goal, so let's keep things light and frolic in the wind, sweet warmth awaiting us when we finally find comfort. money is not the enemy, it is a necessity, which i have long ignored for humbler alternatives. even it has a remedy, because my thoughts abound and money-making ones appear frequently. all i need is a starting point and i will survive, to reference an amazing song.

  it is a sad day for me, i simply cannot overstate it. i held such high hopes and beliefs for my family, but i now realize that i truly am alone in this world. i still have friends, thank goodness, but i must first alleviate my pain before i appear amongst them again in order to continue my life's work. i must reconcile this grief which weighs heavily on my heart.

edwin