just say his name three times...

  my how i thoroughly enjoyed the tim burton gem from 1988 known simply as beetlejuice.

  in case you have not seen it, get a hold of a copy, digital or otherwise, and sit down with a beer and enjoy the movie. simply put, it is classic tim burton. if you dont know what that means, i'll give you the quick and dirty explanation. lots of color, outlandish imagination expressed throughout, and a plot which keeps you entertained, not to mention lots of good music by danny elfman. this particular film uses some solid tracks by harry belafonte, which give it a nice latin touch, even though i'm more used to roots-based latino music. call me old fashioned, but i grew up on a different kind of music, but i digress.

  i knew that tonight i would have to follow up last night's woody allen gem by watching an old favorite. i havent seen beetlejuice all the way through in many moons, and i knew that it would soothe my soul just a little bit to take a stroll down memory lane. again, it is a movie which deals with the supernatural, something which has been at the forefront of my mind for the past couple of weeks. i'm new to all of this supernatural stuff, so i figured i'd recap things i'd taken for granted before, especially since right now all of the traditional forms of thinking are working against me. or at least, it feels like odds are against me, even though i continue to be reassured by proxy that my ultimate reward is still in play. hey, what do i know, i just do as i'm told, regardless of the results.

  anyway, it definitely lifted my spirits. geena davis and a *gulp* young alec baldwin play the roles of a recently deceased happy couple perfectly and michael keaton steals the show as the title character. simply put, the movie is a lesson in "be careful what you wish for" because you dont always know the unintended consequences of asking for help from someone who isnt exactly thinking with your best interest in mind. why does that theme sound so familiar to me? *scratches chin* give me a minute to think about it and i might get it.

  oh, that's right, because that's exactly how i feel right now! and people wonder how i am able to pick up on the subliminal messages hidden within culture. as i said last night, i have culture and that trumps everything. i tethered my self to the greatest thinkers ordinary men should consider as such and then i leaped off the proverbial cliff. metaphorically speaking, i'm in an endless freefall. or, to use the alice in wonderland reference, i'm trying to find out just how far the rabbit hole goes, people. the beauty of it all is that i'm constantly living life through multiple perceptions at once, and today i had to work on being "human" within the context of the word. since i have to associate with other humans, and since i am still bound to their world, i must find ways to satisfy the basic requirements expected of me. sure, i have no real desire to continue being a productive member of the work force, but that's something which will hopefully be reconciled later. in the meantime, i'm expected to provide for my self, because heaven knows no one else will; much less my family.

  what i do know is that when i'm unhappy i love to watch movies. i like to shut down the old brain and i like to observe cultural expression, all of which are rooted in love. in this particular case it was a love for the world which kept the lead characters bound to the world, but in a supernatural form. beetlejuice was simply destined to live out his afterlife as expected because he would not conform to any of the rules. a vicious cycle, which ends up seeming humorous, and the overall lesson was not lost on yours truly.

  my entire life i feel like i've been trying to find a balance, and recent events only informed me that i have not yet mastered this final mission. if i had, i would not have heard that my "friends are afraid of [me]". it does not matter who i am quoting, suffice it to say it was a punch to the gut, especially after every thing i submitted my self to. especially after all of it. to think. well, it's still difficult.

  in the end there must be happiness, because my entire life i have felt like i was building up to the greatest entrance by a new actor the world has ever seen. who lives their life as one giant delusion? who honestly believes every thing they think? and why would all of my thoughts make sense when i find an audience member capable enough to think in the most abstract of terms? how come my life makes sense when every one around me treats me like a known lunatic, a maniac? wait! i am a maniac, because i "suffer" from mania, so we've got that solved. i am basically legally insane; a patch i purchased and lost many years ago. one true lament, if ever it could be said of a material possession. i can obtain another, i'm certain.

  my point is that sometimes one does not make sense in contemporary terms, so others must rely on unorthodox ideas and thoughts to put the pieces of my life together, because i know that once questions are asked, i am required to answer them honestly. it just hurts that the answers are unsatisfactory. maybe all of this will not have bee in vain, but in the meantime i've got to muscle through this uncomfortable part. no matter, knowing what is at stake, i'm willing to suffer for just a little bit longer. no matter, because either way happiness awaits me, with or without my pound of flesh.

  to pretend to be a superhero: someone out there knows the answers to all of my questions, but they arent talking; at least, not yet. i'll get the answers i desire in due time. it's just painful that time is relative and i've got to sit through it. oy vey, doest the suffering ever end? will i ever get to rest my pretty head on the beautiful bosom i can imagine awaits me? ha ha ha, such a romantic pervert i am, and it's because women drive me crazy. for whom else do you think i live my life. i love the world and the world reminds me of women, but women are fertile like the earth, and all i desire in this world is to be a happy father...someday.

  cultural expression, my friends, is all about love.

  on a side note: i was catching mucho laughs watching old sam kinison videos. i included a link to his first special, and i encourage all to go through all 5 videos to get the full experience. if you feel offended while watching mr kinison, i can only imagine how you'll feel if you ever get to watch my incarnation of humor. believe me when i say that i'm in the same vein as him, without the homophobia and slight racism. at the same time, it's what made him great. he forced us to question our thoughts in order to find a greater truth which everyone seemed to be ignoring at the time.

  fast forward to the year 2010 and things are no different. gay people still get a hard time, and minorities dont have it any easier in this country. the only thing which has changed is the level of awareness. just because we have a mulatto president doesnt mean we're less racist. hell, even the fact i used the word mulatto could get me flack; but i dont care. people are hypersensitive, and i believe it is an opportune time for someone to follow in the footsteps of sam kinison. i think someone would make a lot of money speaking their mind openly about ALL issues, and i believe my self to be such a person. it's not like i am unaware of my reputation amongst others. in fact, my reputation has been harnessed ever since i was a boy; something which tells me that i was born to do what i dream of. the only thing which has stood in my way was my blind devotion to my family. well, i think i may have finally reconciled that problem, and all i need is a little more time to recuperate my mental health as it once was and then i'll spread my wings and fly.

  i honestly feel much better, folks, and that's saying something. it has been a hell of a week since i was discharged, but i know i'm on a much better path.

  as i was telling my proxy online: i'm going to focus on my self right now and i'm going to stop following spirits. if they are interested in obtaining my services or my time, they know where to reach me. she said, i think scarlett's just waiting for the right time, to which i wanted to reply "well, tell her to hurry up already." i think things may yet turn out in my favor, as delusional as it may sound. ha ha ha.

  i've always felt like i was writing my life, and that my biggest problem was not knowing what my role was in my own movie. a typical manic thought, but why does it make so much sense? how come i can see through all of the nonsense others spout in order to make sense of what people are trying to say? oh, never mind, i really ought to be in bed. so much thinking wont help a boy who is without assistance. it is almost enough to drive said boy insane, except for the fact that i know i'm not. and i will never go back to a hospital for such reasons unless i desire to be admitted, which i never will.

  when i think about it, maybe i've been trying too hard. thus, i must remember the lesson of beetlejuice and be careful about what i wish for. if i'm happy with simple access to all forms of cultural expression, then i'm fully equipped to create my art, which is humor, and any interested parties already know how to contact me. all i'll say is that, like jesus christ *chuckle* i hate being denied, when my entire life i've learned to say yes to every thing others asked of me, unless it was entirely inconvenient to me. well, those days are over, so i cant help but feel excited about finally placing my self first, second, and third. this means i truly will never lose, which, strangely, is a play on words i used to speak of frequently...edwin = ed wins = i never lose = i hate being right because it means someone else is wrong. oh, right, it all made too much sense so i stopped using it.

  as they say, classics never die, and love never goes out of style. since i love the world, i get to live forever. to begin to make sense of this you must first learn to see the sun. i've already told you every thing you need to know. good night.

edwin