before i had to admit myself into the psych ward of san francisco general hospital (SFGH) last week, i had no idea what 5150 meant, so i'll explain it to you all.
5150 is the term for when you admit yourself into the basic level of psychological assistance. what had happened was...
i got mugged last week and they took my wallet and cell phone and when i fell i hit my head. when the ambulance arrived i ended up being so bent out of shape they had to take me to the hospital to further evaluate me, but because i was having a hard time answering their questions they had to admit me into the psych ward of SFGH to be sure my brain wasnt damaged in any way.
of course, this is funny to me because my behavior has always indicated some level of imagination which would lead other people to believe me to be "special". i have previously discussed how this term actually applies to me, so the joke is actually intended to make you guys laugh. i mean, i know i'm special, but the fact that i was a little dazed wasnt a joke. i really needed to spend 5 days in 5150 to realize that i carry around too much of the stress of others and i do not focus enough on my happiness. this only feels natural to me because i love the world, and other people, so much. i realize this probably has to do with some of my personal issues rooted in my family, but since i got out on tuesday i have been working steadfastly to improve my relationship with my brothers, Eric (younger) and Rafael (older).
people do not always realize when they are putting themselves in danger by carrying too much stress, and i had to learn the hard way that i need to start putting my wants and needs first above every thing else. it is perfectly normal to want to go on your own path, and my main objective is to learn how to ask people to join me in my endeavors. i have always maintained that it is easiest for me to travel solo because of the convenience factor, but the truth is that without a steady commitment to my social circle i am just a wandering lone wolf. there is nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that i end up feeling like i'm constantly sharing the same stories and thus i become anxious and all sorts of other things, which if managed properly wouldnt be a problem.
i guess the biggest thing i want to stress (pun intended) is that people should realize that stress is the biggest factor for a lot of difficulties we experience in life. for me, stress is manifested as excitement (think Amelie, from the movie of the same name) and this is not always the best thing because my basic senses and instincts end up sabotaging my good intentions. i learned that the main thing i can do to know when i am stressed is to listen to the speed of the sound of my own voice, because i already know that my thoughts race at an unprecented speed. this is why i always seem like a smart ass when i am talking with friends and strangers alike. i love connecting the dots for people, but i learned that this does not always satisfy my audience. it's hard to control when all you want to do is to help others.
upon further discussions with my brother Raf, i discovered that i have to learn to let people deal with all of their own problems and to simply wait for them to ask me for help. i am talented in the sense that i can put things together quickly, but if i go too fast i end up overlooking the finer details which always tell the story best. nervous energy is expressed in many ways, and i have to learn to master my nerves in order to truly become a cool dude. facial tics, a heightened tone of voice, accelerated speech, and the inability to remove the smile from my face are some basic descriptions i have to keep in mind whenever i am talking with people, because the slower i speak the better i will be perceived, and that's really all any of us are looking for.
for the record, i wont publicly discuss the details of what it was like to be in 5150. that is something private both for me and for the other participants i met. i do have to draw the line somewhere, so thanks for understanding. however, if you are truly interested in knowing, please send me an email asking me this question directly with regards to MY experience of being there. i can share the basics that i had to spend a lot of time soul-searching and analyzing my behavior in order to pin point the stressors in my life. that's it in a nutshell, but i'll do my best to answer any specific questions or comments you guys might have. the staff at SFGH were amazing in helping me to feel comfortable and they did a fantastic job caring for me in my time of need. i did my best to thank them before i left and i am grateful for their support.
this week has truly been a historical week for me, especially with the fact that i am trying to finalize my paperwork with the military and now having a much clearer outlook on life. things are falling into place in ways i had never imagined and this gives me hope that i will be fine in the long run. i know my main thing is to learn to just slow down, but i hope you guys can understand my excitement and zest for life. i come from an underprivileged background, so every day in the "real" world is amazing to me. every thing seems beautiful, and my ability to make sense of the world around me offers me a unique perspective on life. these are all gifts in and of themselves, and i have to learn to wrap my mind around my other talents and abilities (ESP) in order to fully maximize my potential as a person. in so doing, i have complete confidence that my desired level of success will follow; it has never failed to arrive once i made space for it in my heart.
i know that life can be so demanding and it can feel overwhelming wanting to satisfy every one we care for, but in truth, sometimes it is best to take a moment, or a day, or anything else, for our selves in order to really take care of our selves. doing anything to calm our selves down is highly recommended, so i advise every one to begin practices which promote peace and harmony in your personal lives. social lives are meant to be lived in moderation, just like any thing else, and i resign to begin doing a better job of this.
i just want to thank every one who took the time to read all of this post. this was hard to write from the perspective of not wanting to alarm anyone. however, i think it is basically obvious that sometimes i have a hard time doing the basic thing, which is to ask others if i may help them, instead of just jumping into someones life and looking like i'm trying to be a hero, which is never my intention. i want to remind every one to slow down ("idiot, slow down..." an actual line from The Tourist by Radiohead, playing on my itunes at this exact moment, no joke) in order for your life to become clearer to you. i implore you to relax, because if not you might end up finding yourself in a very uncomfortable place with no one to talk to. loneliness and solitude are not bad things, but feeling like you have no one to talk to is the absolute worst feeling.
i have spent a lot of time crying this past week, in order to let go of a lot of pain that i am sensitive to, and also because i needed it. if it is true that when we cry we cry alone, then it should follow that those of us who "get it" always end up laughing afterwards because we realize we are helping our hearts to heal. sometimes the best laugh is the one you share with your self. these are words which could not be more true of me, and so, again, i thank every one with whom i have shared laughter. they say that the hardest thing to do is to make someone laugh, so dont forget to put on your smiles every day when you wake up, because it is already a good day, regardless of what you might have to look forward to. make your self laugh, too, people. life is one big joke in the sense that if we take it too seriously we will end up dead sooner than later.
i have asked many people much older than me for advice, and they always tell me the same thing: take life one day at a time, set your self some reasonable goals, and then go out and try to make your self happy by finding friends who support you, and hopefully a partner that will love you unconditionally. of course, the most important thing is to create a healthy sense of family, be it with friends or actual blood relatives, which i know can be hard. we grow up with so much familiarity that sometimes we just want them to leave us alone, but that's usually the opposite of what we need. interdependence basically means you can rely on others as much as they can rely on you, but you have to remember that it requires balance, so dont give too much of your self away to other people.
okay, i'm rambling now, but i'm sure you're all enjoying it. i only mention it because i have to get started with my day. it's been an hour since i woke and it is now time to get some important things done. i wish you all luck today. it's good friday, and while i am not religious, i like the name. people usually like fridays, so yeah, i'm on board with the concept.
peace, love, and elbow grease (to signify the basic effort required of each of us)...
edwin
5150 is the term for when you admit yourself into the basic level of psychological assistance. what had happened was...
i got mugged last week and they took my wallet and cell phone and when i fell i hit my head. when the ambulance arrived i ended up being so bent out of shape they had to take me to the hospital to further evaluate me, but because i was having a hard time answering their questions they had to admit me into the psych ward of SFGH to be sure my brain wasnt damaged in any way.
of course, this is funny to me because my behavior has always indicated some level of imagination which would lead other people to believe me to be "special". i have previously discussed how this term actually applies to me, so the joke is actually intended to make you guys laugh. i mean, i know i'm special, but the fact that i was a little dazed wasnt a joke. i really needed to spend 5 days in 5150 to realize that i carry around too much of the stress of others and i do not focus enough on my happiness. this only feels natural to me because i love the world, and other people, so much. i realize this probably has to do with some of my personal issues rooted in my family, but since i got out on tuesday i have been working steadfastly to improve my relationship with my brothers, Eric (younger) and Rafael (older).
people do not always realize when they are putting themselves in danger by carrying too much stress, and i had to learn the hard way that i need to start putting my wants and needs first above every thing else. it is perfectly normal to want to go on your own path, and my main objective is to learn how to ask people to join me in my endeavors. i have always maintained that it is easiest for me to travel solo because of the convenience factor, but the truth is that without a steady commitment to my social circle i am just a wandering lone wolf. there is nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that i end up feeling like i'm constantly sharing the same stories and thus i become anxious and all sorts of other things, which if managed properly wouldnt be a problem.
i guess the biggest thing i want to stress (pun intended) is that people should realize that stress is the biggest factor for a lot of difficulties we experience in life. for me, stress is manifested as excitement (think Amelie, from the movie of the same name) and this is not always the best thing because my basic senses and instincts end up sabotaging my good intentions. i learned that the main thing i can do to know when i am stressed is to listen to the speed of the sound of my own voice, because i already know that my thoughts race at an unprecented speed. this is why i always seem like a smart ass when i am talking with friends and strangers alike. i love connecting the dots for people, but i learned that this does not always satisfy my audience. it's hard to control when all you want to do is to help others.
upon further discussions with my brother Raf, i discovered that i have to learn to let people deal with all of their own problems and to simply wait for them to ask me for help. i am talented in the sense that i can put things together quickly, but if i go too fast i end up overlooking the finer details which always tell the story best. nervous energy is expressed in many ways, and i have to learn to master my nerves in order to truly become a cool dude. facial tics, a heightened tone of voice, accelerated speech, and the inability to remove the smile from my face are some basic descriptions i have to keep in mind whenever i am talking with people, because the slower i speak the better i will be perceived, and that's really all any of us are looking for.
for the record, i wont publicly discuss the details of what it was like to be in 5150. that is something private both for me and for the other participants i met. i do have to draw the line somewhere, so thanks for understanding. however, if you are truly interested in knowing, please send me an email asking me this question directly with regards to MY experience of being there. i can share the basics that i had to spend a lot of time soul-searching and analyzing my behavior in order to pin point the stressors in my life. that's it in a nutshell, but i'll do my best to answer any specific questions or comments you guys might have. the staff at SFGH were amazing in helping me to feel comfortable and they did a fantastic job caring for me in my time of need. i did my best to thank them before i left and i am grateful for their support.
this week has truly been a historical week for me, especially with the fact that i am trying to finalize my paperwork with the military and now having a much clearer outlook on life. things are falling into place in ways i had never imagined and this gives me hope that i will be fine in the long run. i know my main thing is to learn to just slow down, but i hope you guys can understand my excitement and zest for life. i come from an underprivileged background, so every day in the "real" world is amazing to me. every thing seems beautiful, and my ability to make sense of the world around me offers me a unique perspective on life. these are all gifts in and of themselves, and i have to learn to wrap my mind around my other talents and abilities (ESP) in order to fully maximize my potential as a person. in so doing, i have complete confidence that my desired level of success will follow; it has never failed to arrive once i made space for it in my heart.
i know that life can be so demanding and it can feel overwhelming wanting to satisfy every one we care for, but in truth, sometimes it is best to take a moment, or a day, or anything else, for our selves in order to really take care of our selves. doing anything to calm our selves down is highly recommended, so i advise every one to begin practices which promote peace and harmony in your personal lives. social lives are meant to be lived in moderation, just like any thing else, and i resign to begin doing a better job of this.
i just want to thank every one who took the time to read all of this post. this was hard to write from the perspective of not wanting to alarm anyone. however, i think it is basically obvious that sometimes i have a hard time doing the basic thing, which is to ask others if i may help them, instead of just jumping into someones life and looking like i'm trying to be a hero, which is never my intention. i want to remind every one to slow down ("idiot, slow down..." an actual line from The Tourist by Radiohead, playing on my itunes at this exact moment, no joke) in order for your life to become clearer to you. i implore you to relax, because if not you might end up finding yourself in a very uncomfortable place with no one to talk to. loneliness and solitude are not bad things, but feeling like you have no one to talk to is the absolute worst feeling.
i have spent a lot of time crying this past week, in order to let go of a lot of pain that i am sensitive to, and also because i needed it. if it is true that when we cry we cry alone, then it should follow that those of us who "get it" always end up laughing afterwards because we realize we are helping our hearts to heal. sometimes the best laugh is the one you share with your self. these are words which could not be more true of me, and so, again, i thank every one with whom i have shared laughter. they say that the hardest thing to do is to make someone laugh, so dont forget to put on your smiles every day when you wake up, because it is already a good day, regardless of what you might have to look forward to. make your self laugh, too, people. life is one big joke in the sense that if we take it too seriously we will end up dead sooner than later.
i have asked many people much older than me for advice, and they always tell me the same thing: take life one day at a time, set your self some reasonable goals, and then go out and try to make your self happy by finding friends who support you, and hopefully a partner that will love you unconditionally. of course, the most important thing is to create a healthy sense of family, be it with friends or actual blood relatives, which i know can be hard. we grow up with so much familiarity that sometimes we just want them to leave us alone, but that's usually the opposite of what we need. interdependence basically means you can rely on others as much as they can rely on you, but you have to remember that it requires balance, so dont give too much of your self away to other people.
okay, i'm rambling now, but i'm sure you're all enjoying it. i only mention it because i have to get started with my day. it's been an hour since i woke and it is now time to get some important things done. i wish you all luck today. it's good friday, and while i am not religious, i like the name. people usually like fridays, so yeah, i'm on board with the concept.
peace, love, and elbow grease (to signify the basic effort required of each of us)...
edwin
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