so i had to make the subject line for this blog post a little bit humorous to counteract the doldrums i've been feeling since i got discharged on wednesday. truth be told, i made a mess of my life by not giving myself a safety net and now i'm reacting like a 4 year old when i should really be an adult about all of this. nothing serious is wrong, beyond being broke, not having money to pay my cell phone bill, and needing a job to pay for insurance and other necessities which will bring me back my liberty.
but i can't help but feel like things are possibly worse because the end result i desired was not obtained. that is such a childish way to react, but it's my honesty in reporting such behavior that others tell me separates me from the rest. "honesty is the best policy", reads the sub-header to my blog, and the honest truth is i feel like i've put myself through the ringer in trying to meet scarlett but perhaps she has not been ready to meet me? or maybe her overall message was to get me to slow down enough to realize i needed help to stabilize my moods? or who knows, really, because all of this guessing and hypothesizing is not healthy for me right now, and i really should just focus on improving my life and letting the other pieces put themselves together on their own.
so who wrote the anonymous response saying that once i figured out who it was i would buy them a meal? *shrugs* at this point, because of the lack of power in my life (no car, no money, no funny; he he he) it might be better if i just stick to what i know. and what i know is that i've made some pretty amazing things happen when i was happy. it's just that right now i'm having the most difficult time finding that happiness again. i really fucked things up for myself, and it is the fact that money is involved in order to improve my personal situation that really makes me sad. i dont have any money, my parents are playing at not having any, and my dumbass is too hard-headed to ask one of my brothers for assistance.
this is where i wish there was some community fund, or something, where one could just take what little one needed, but, alas, socialism is still some years away. *shakes head* oh how beautiful the day will be when the true value of money (none) is known and people can stop feeling depressed or empowered because of it. i dream of the day when people can do anything they want and money will literally be no issue. until then, i have to remember to put on my "big boy pants" and deal with life. nothing i'm dealing with is worth the stress i'm putting on myself, but it may also have something to do with the fact that it is somewhat serious. serious in that it is important, but not serious in that it requires me to obsess over it. but i must admit, i've put myself in a position i told myself i never wanted to reach, so for that i take full accountability.
it is the fact that i know what i've been through, what i've seen, and what was said to me through third parties that makes me feel so passionate about everything. i've had experiences which would make most men blush to even have to consider, but for me it's just another thing i have to accept as truth and real. however, at this point, i feel spent; in every sense of the word. spent my money and time trying to solve this riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery, and where once my super-human thought processing skills reigned supreme, i now feel impotent to think; a truly sad diagnosis for a philosopher.
so many questions, so little answers, and i cant help but to feel that the doubt which is flanking my thought process has a reason for existing. one can only subsist on water and crackers for so long, before the body yearns for the juicy steak it was promised. i'm going to focus more on making myself happy now, versus looking outwards as i've been doing for almost 2 months. i sincerely feel empty and it's killing me to not have something to place in this crater, which i've decided it would be best for me to fill slowly on my own.
i'll continue updating you all about my emotions, but i'm definitely feeling sad, and it's something i was hoping had come and gone in this process, because i thought i had been good and honest with who i am in order for things to play out for me the way i believe i deserve. perhaps someone else does not think so? perhaps an apology is expected of me? i'm sorry for any pain i've caused, it certainly was not my intention. then again, i'm writing this out loud and to no one, since i'm not even sure who my entire audience is. *shrug* it's just one more thing i should waste no time worrying about.
perhaps it is time to take a break until everything appears to make sense to me again. i dont know, and we'll let time and life tell me what should be best, since i'm no good with spirits and the supernatural...
edwin
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