woody allen's metaphysical midsummer masterpiece...

  just goes to show me: all i need is love.

  in this case it is the observance of love in the form of cultural expression, specifically film. my mood has been gloomy for a week, obvious railing from the deception i feel from my family, as mentioned in previous posts, so i decided to watch a movie via the online service provided by netflix (highly recommended, by the way. no HD yet, but maybe soon?). i figured i needed something to cheer me up, perhaps something by my favorite director woody allen, and lo and behold i stumbled upon a midsummer night's sex comedy. i wasnt sure what to expect, since i dont usually read the synopses of films, i just kind of go off the star rating and use the synopsis as a secondary means if i feel it is necessary.

  turns out it was EXACTLY what i needed: a smart metaphysical comedy explaining the complications which arise when love is in play. not to ruin anything, but the whole thing made sense to me. the whole movie felt as if it was written about my life, a clear subliminal message perceivable only to me, since i'm manic and delusional when i am happy. well, maybe i'm still getting there, but my conversation with my father earlier this evening also proved the obvious that i am returning back to my old self. maybe there is yet hope for me, he he he.

  woody allen isnt a dear friend of mine, but i have always felt like his movies spoke to me on some subliminal level. i can relate to the characters he creates, especially with regards to the passive aggressive ones who seldom overcome their fears, but tonight i began to associate more with the character of his best friend, in this case, maxwell, as played by tony roberts. however, since i was completely aware of my delusion, i also remembered that my inner child is and will always be similar to woody allen - honest and misunderstood - while my "adult" form desires to be more assertive, a la maxwell. but where is there room for love when both feel completely lost and with little hope, since the pursuit of said love has left us in complete shambles and utterly discombobulated? this, my friends, is to be found out at a later time.

  more than anything, i wanted to post something more upbeat; something light by which to say "hey, i'm feeling sad, but i know i'm going to be alright, so if you're reading this, please dont worry about me." unfortunately, the difficult conversations i've been having with my family have failed to generate any progress, especially with regards to basic communication, and i fear that i may soon reach a difficult decision much sooner than anticipated. what else am i to say about this, besides to speak of it in cryptic tones? my family is completely out of touch with me and i no longer care to maintain any flicker of a connection which might remain. i no longer care to stoke the flame of familial appreciation. it is utterly the saddest thing i have ever had to decide, since the only other thing sadder than this was a joint decision ultimately left in someone else's hands; and even that brought me closer to said person in the end. this, however, is the saddest thing for me, because i have to bury something which i hold dear to me, and i wont be able to resuscitate it until the time is right.

  since time is relative to me...well, let's just say i dont know when the concept of family might again seem to make sense to me. i'll need all of the time i can get, and if my most ambitious life's work is of any support...well, who's to say how long that may take? clearly, i was functioning with assistance prior to my hospital stay, and a part of me continues to believe said assistance may yet return to aide me, since words were spoken to me which i believed were intended to reassure me. unfortunately, it is beginning to seem that perhaps a sense of post traumatic stress disorder is beginnig to settle in; an unfortunate dilemma in that it distracts me from the ambitious work i was developing, which was to prove einstein's theory of relativity.

  imagine that, even my thoughts have been compromised. oh, how i long for that moment on the door step when it seemed that i would soon be the happiest man on earth. if only i could go back in time, because i have been reduced to a fraction of my former self. i have believed the doctors for too long because i thought they represented a greater meaning in the overall picture, and i now realize that my previous suspicions about the medical commuity were all right. *shakes head* there is no consolance for a lonely boy, and tears serve no function in this equation. again, i can only rely on my self at the moment; i am too paralyzed to reach out and i do not possess a telephone line on which to dial out (cell is only receiving calls at the moment, sorry, friends).

  *sigh* serves me right, i'll say. leave no built in safety net, put all of your eggs into one basket, and one cannot complain about the result. my only lament is that i did not speak sooner the only words i've ever longed to say. pick your choice of which you'd like to hear, but i'd endear my self to you either way: 1) i'm sorry for any undue pain i may have caused you or 2) i've loved you my entire life and have longed to be with you. an audience is unnecessary, my commitment to my self binding me to say these words to my self first. i'm sorry i have always neglected my self, and i love my self more than anyone else, because i have always suffered from a lack of the truest love i've always wanted to share with others. now it is time for me to focus solely on my self and to allow for time and space to revolve around me appropriately enough so that my destiny may finally reveal itself.

  i'm armed with the only tools i'll ever need, because all i have is all i'll ever need: my self. the machines i've acquired will assist me, and a great assistance they do provide, but they are tools and a philosopher only needs his brain to truly exist in this world. there is a whole world which is crying without my laughter, and i will do every thing i can to remedy this fault. i will soon laugh louder than i have in some time because i deserve it, and because the world deserves to hear me laugh again. i'll be damned if these incorrigible people take me down to their level forever. i should've made this decision before i went channeling other spirits, but, as a precocious child, i have never observed the rules in the same way as others. which is why i have always been misunderstood.

  my father asked me tonight if i knew the law. i had to bite my tongue from telling him the truth. i am responsible for more than he is aware, and it is a responsibility i welcome gladly, because it is a part of my destiny. who i must become is for me to reveal to my self. i am the lone driver on life's super highway, because only i know what it takes to travel through my life. it isnt a sad prospect, because there are passengers waiting to be picked up along the way. all i have to do is to find the way to rid my self of the responsibilities of ordinary men. i must find my way to the top of the proverbial metaphysical mountain, now that i know i do not need a sherpa. strange, my friends. i learned every thing i know through culture, and if mania is my muse, then i have never been more in love with any concept in my life.

  so, to all wayward spirits who might want to contact me i say that i welcome you into my body. i welcome the rest of my life in an instant. i welcome all of existence in one breath. i welcome the infinite possibilities i can imagine, and i long to lose my self in the greatest love story i have ever imagined. the story of a boy who fell in love with a girl he can no longer remember, because he loved her so much he had to hide her from the world, but in so doing he remembered that he loved the world, because he loved her. it's a perpetual cycle, which reminds me that i love women because i love the world, so if i want to have one for temporary companionship i must express my love for the world first. who's on first? ha ha ha, a dirty sex joke. who's on top first? who is on first? damn it, i think i'm working through this haze in spite of the complications doing so is creating in my life.

  but it hurts...it will hurt for some time, and until the pain is gone i wont truly be happy. when one loves it is forever. i've known this from the moment i was born, and to be denied means to find a different explanation to ones existence. plenty abound. theories make the world go round, and scientists spend lifetimes attempting to concoct a theory which can be proven by others to be turned into law. any famous name worth knowing in science is tied to a theory or law, and i told my self that i would know i was succeeding in proving einstein's theory of relativity when everyone around me began to treat me as if i was crazy.

  well, einstein built in the safety net that if you thought you were crazy then you were not, because only someone who was doing the same thing and expected a different result was crazy. i have culture and that trumps everything. i tied my self to socrates because he asked why, and einstein proved him. there is a 4th dimension which exists and the next time i have the chance to get lost in it, i will remember all of the pain of this world and i'll leave this all behind. there is no longer any thing left to tie me down to the ordinary world of men.

  at the end of a midsummer night's sex comedy a theory is revealed. it is one that goes along with many other theories which cannot be proven by ordinary science, which requires a firm belief in the metaphysical. well, i have always been a different thinker, so...ha ha ha. i write too much, but it isnt necessarily a bad thing.

  i'll figure this whole thing out at my own speed, folks. and thank you for reading my updates, as non sequitir as they may seem...

edwin