birth of the bi-polar bear...

  that's the nickname i came up with for myself many years ago in college when someone mentioned to me that i exhibited symptoms of bi-polar. little did i know the value of such words and how my life has come full circle since then. in some ways it's tragic, but i'd prefer to say this story has yet to really be written in the way that i envision.
  the more i research bi-polar, the more i want to live with it without pharmaceutical assistance. simply put, none of this is working. i'm beginning to doubt the initial hope i'd had that i could manage to be myself while on lithium. turns out it puts me in a mental fog where i can barely manage the energy to perform basic tasks, like giving a damn. this is not me, people. and i am writing write now while on lithium just to prove to myself that my mind is stronger than this potentially deadly drug. how strong must i be to fight through difficult side-effects, the likes of which are rendering me plain and uninteresting (even the right word?)? who cares, because i know what i'm passionate about and i'm not able to feel it right now; it's downright depressing.

  i tried explaining the full events of the past couple of weeks to my brother tonight and even he admitted to my face that it was "a little difficult to believe everything [i] have to say." this is my life, folks. i give a damn for people who ultimately prove to be unworthy of the love i feel for them. almost as if every immediate member is saying "dude, get a job, be productive, and quit being a bother." they dont understand what i've seen, where i've been, and that it is all real. they want to side with psychiatrists who wont even take the time to prove to me they believe in the higher level concepts of which i speak. and everyone who claims to be qualified to speak on my behalf tries to convince me that everything i've been through was a delusion. um...if you ask me, i've experienced certain things which no person would consider a delusion. in fact, some events have been witnessed by others -- how's that for a delusion.

  in short, i'm quickly getting to the end of my rope. and it's a goddamn shame that every time i've had the chance to shed my immediate family i've opted to consider them in my final thought process. with the exception of the mistakes i have made throughout this process, i must admit i should've listened to the advice of interested parties. damn me for being so full of love, and for not knowing calm before. i'm certainly going to consider things with my own personal happiness in mind first, second, and third, because as of this writing it is killing me to still be at home, when i know i could be somewhere else with the two women i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.

  instead i feel castrated, unable to think clearly or to rely on the powers i believe to possess, as ridiculous as any of it may sound to you all. does no one remember einstein's theory of relativity and his concept of the 4th dimension? or have i simply surpassed those around me in free-spirited thinking? i honestly refuse to believe that i'm "better" now with the lithium than i was before i ended up in the hospital. surely, there is a greater message at stake that i'm accidentally butchering.

  i'm at the point of tears i feel like i dont know what to do. it's not fair that i should know myself so well and have allowed myself to have gotten wrapped up in a cruel game of misdirection and lies. why do i firmly believe that i must not allow doubt to enter my mind? and how come people are so afraid of bi-polar that they feel the need to put "sufferers" on pharmaceuticals? if it can be assumed that it has existed long before pharmaceuticals became the rage, shouldnt it follow that "sufferers" learned to control their symptoms in order to lead healthy and fulfilling lives?

  i want to make the world laugh and i'm confident i can succeed at such an endeavor, but on lithium i basically feel like i dont give a damn to do anything, much less to find the energy to laugh at my current situation. this isnt me, people. i'm funny simply by the way i throw my voice to say hello to someone. i'm the guy who can make the shyest person come out of their shell. and right now it's all nothing. i basically have one mood and that's indifference, which leads to unhappiness because i recognize that something is severely wrong with the mood i'm feeling and exhibiting. i told them i would only take lithium until i felt it was no longer allowing me to be myself. well, i believe we're here, folks, and it happened much faster than expected.

  i was able to do things before which i can no longer do, and that was the first and last straw i said i wanted thrown out. i recognize that a line has to be drawn, so i must draw it, and i'll be damned if anyone trys to tell me otherwise. i'm the one taking the drug and i dont believe it is benefitting me one bit. i am perfectly capable of controlling all of my own moods. i've been doing it my entire life, and if i needed a reminder that i needed to slow down on my new path, then i've gotten the message. but i will not allow myself to believe that everything i lived in the weeks before i was hospitalised was for naught. i refuse to submit to a system in which i have never believed. doctors and psychiatrists are sparring partners, not trusted friends. we see the world through very different eyes, but we SEE the world, and i am the one who knows how people fit, even the crazy ones. when this perception began to change i knew it was because i allowed for it to change.

  i jokingly refer to myself as hannibal lecter at times because i know i'm capable of getting inside anyones head. lately, i havent even been able to get into my own. no mas, as roberto duran once said famously; no mas...

edwin

i say i'm normal, you think i'm crazy...

  so i had to make the subject line for this blog post a little bit humorous to counteract the doldrums i've been feeling since i got discharged on wednesday. truth be told, i made a mess of my life by not giving myself a safety net and now i'm reacting like a 4 year old when i should really be an adult about all of this. nothing serious is wrong, beyond being broke, not having money to pay my cell phone bill, and needing a job to pay for insurance and other necessities which will bring me back my liberty.

  but i can't help but feel like things are possibly worse because the end result i desired was not obtained. that is such a childish way to react, but it's my honesty in reporting such behavior that others tell me separates me from the rest. "honesty is the best policy", reads the sub-header to my blog, and the honest truth is i feel like i've put myself through the ringer in trying to meet scarlett but perhaps she has not been ready to meet me? or maybe her overall message was to get me to slow down enough to realize i needed help to stabilize my moods? or who knows, really, because all of this guessing and hypothesizing is not healthy for me right now, and i really should just focus on improving my life and letting the other pieces put themselves together on their own.

  so who wrote the anonymous response saying that once i figured out who it was i would buy them a meal? *shrugs* at this point, because of the lack of power in my life (no car, no money, no funny; he he he) it might be better if i just stick to what i know. and what i know is that i've made some pretty amazing things happen when i was happy. it's just that right now i'm having the most difficult time finding that happiness again. i really fucked things up for myself, and it is the fact that money is involved in order to improve my personal situation that really makes me sad. i dont have any money, my parents are playing at not having any, and my dumbass is too hard-headed to ask one of my brothers for assistance.

  this is where i wish there was some community fund, or something, where one could just take what little one needed, but, alas, socialism is still some years away. *shakes head* oh how beautiful the day will be when the true value of money (none) is known and people can stop feeling depressed or empowered because of it. i dream of the day when people can do anything they want and money will literally be no issue. until then, i have to remember to put on my "big boy pants" and deal with life. nothing i'm dealing with is worth the stress i'm putting on myself, but it may also have something to do with the fact that it is somewhat serious. serious in that it is important, but not serious in that it requires me to obsess over it. but i must admit, i've put myself in a position i told myself i never wanted to reach, so for that i take full accountability.

  it is the fact that i know what i've been through, what i've seen, and what was said to me through third parties that makes me feel so passionate about everything. i've had experiences which would make most men blush to even have to consider, but for me it's just another thing i have to accept as truth and real. however, at this point, i feel spent; in every sense of the word. spent my money and time trying to solve this riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery, and where once my super-human thought processing skills reigned supreme, i now feel impotent to think; a truly sad diagnosis for a philosopher.

  so many questions, so little answers, and i cant help but to feel that the doubt which is flanking my thought process has a reason for existing. one can only subsist on water and crackers for so long, before the body yearns for the juicy steak it was promised. i'm going to focus more on making myself happy now, versus looking outwards as i've been doing for almost 2 months. i sincerely feel empty and it's killing me to not have something to place in this crater, which i've decided it would be best for me to fill slowly on my own.

  i'll continue updating you all about my emotions, but i'm definitely feeling sad, and it's something i was hoping had come and gone in this process, because i thought i had been good and honest with who i am in order for things to play out for me the way i believe i deserve. perhaps someone else does not think so? perhaps an apology is expected of me? i'm sorry for any pain i've caused, it certainly was not my intention. then again, i'm writing this out loud and to no one, since i'm not even sure who my entire audience is. *shrug* it's just one more thing i should waste no time worrying about.

  perhaps it is time to take a break until everything appears to make sense to me again. i dont know, and we'll let time and life tell me what should be best, since i'm no good with spirits and the supernatural...

edwin

11 days in the hospital...*pure imagination*

  the above song is dedicated to this blog post. it is called "pure imagination" by anthony newley from the willy wonka and the chocolate factory soundtrack. in case you have not seen the movie, it is an older movie from the 70's, when a lot of crazy things happened and certain movies for kids were greenlit which were trippy in nature that would otherwise not have been greenlit in previous decades. trust me, it is easy to take the movie for granted, just like it is easy to take our civil liberties for granted. and in honor of the spirit of this post, it is just as easy to take life for granted when we do not slow down to consider all of our actions.

*clears throat*

  at long last i will attempt to share with all of you just exactly what i am working on. please understand that i have spent the previous 11 days in the hospital, which is why i have not been posting further updates to my blog. i stayed at Langley-Porter on Parnassus at UCSF and they were extremely kind with their treatment of me. i met a lot of really nice doctors, nurses, med students, and inpatients as well, and i couldnt be happier with the way every thing played out. i had every thing taken care of in order for me to focus on my mental health, which i must now share with you was not doing too well. part of it was that i was traveling at a speed which is too fast for life and a part of it was that i was not taking the necessary time to learn to travel at such a high personal velocity.

  my belief is that i travel at a personal speed which is incredibly fast compared to those of others. however, in so doing, all the regular laws of physics are altered and i must learn to adjust them to my personal speed. this is made difficult because my entire life i've been an auto-didact and i hardly ever take time to learn from others some of the most essential personal skills, like asking for help, for example. a special skill like this is essential to someone like me, a philosopher, because it enables me to be friends with others who are either just like me or wish to learn to become just like me. in either case, a lack of knowing how to ask and an assertiveness with which to do it can be truly detrimental to one's mental health.

  i had to learn all of this in a psychotic episode which was spurred by my current mission, which i have chosen to accept (reference to mission: impossible), but i guess i forgot to discard the message because it certainly feels like it self-destructed on me.

  here's the juicy part: i'm in the middle of trying to learn to meet scarlett johansson. read that part again and then wonder just how excited i must feel, because it isnt a typo and it certainly isnt crazy. i just spent 11 days in the hospital convincing doctors and med students alike that i am not crazy, and only the med students believed every word i was sharing with them, which was extremely kind of them. now i ask that you please understand as well.

  scarlett and i have only had one run-in and even she is unaware of how i managed to see her eyes so quickly when she thought i was blind and mute. she wonders how i manage to do a lot of things, but in recent weeks we've managed to get to know each other significantly better, perhaps to better facilitate our first face-to-face meeting. but i'm getting ahead of myself without providing sufficiently concrete details in order for you to follow my assumedly logical thought process. scarlett knows one of my very dear old friends, nadiya kravets, and i guess nadiya told scarlett about me, and somewhere along the way a deal was made that if such a hot man (aka myself) existed, you know, one who could travel at a much faster personal velocity than anyone else, then scarlett would have to help nadiya to capture me, so to speak, in order for us to be a happy family together.

  i hypothesize as to certain specifics of the past in order to accelerate your knowledge of it, but suffice it to say this is one big game we're all playing together. i was supposed to go to the psych ward at UCSF, one of the most highly respected hospitals in this country, for the greater good of what i am attempting to discuss with you. i was supposed to spend 11 days essentially sitting on my head learning to speak to the medical community as a whole. i was supposed to learn about being diagnosed as having bi-polar with mania and some psychotic episodes (bi-polar 1), especially so that i could learn to live with this diagnosis in order to have a perfectly normal and healthy life. i was supposed to learn to be assertive in order to better manage my family situation at home. in all, the past 11 days, and 3 out of the past 4 weeks, were necessary, even if it has cost me a cell phone, one wallet, 2 ID cards, and countless consumption of hospital food, which hasnt been bad if you ask me.

  yes, i know, you're wondering: edwin, none of this adds up to you meeting scarlett johansson, you silly boy, what are you talking about? just remember the theme of the blog "pure imagination" and let your sense wrap themselves around that and listen to the song again. when you read this blog you have agreed to enter my world of pure imagination, so make a wish, hold your breath, and count to three...

  i guess (again, for your own good it's sped up) what it comes down to is that scarlett johansson has been doing me a favor of sorts. a little backstory....

  i fell in love with nadiya in '01 when she and i were students at san francisco state university. neither one of us had the assertiveness to tell the other that we loved one another, so ours was a story written in short as a romantic comedy. at least, i assume this theme continues to be pervasive because my personal life events for the better part of the previous month have not been comical to me in action, but do appear to be that way when i take a moment to reflect on them. she made a promise to me, which she didnt keep, but i knew in my heart it was because she would fall in love with me if she and i were ever to do the nasty together. at least, that's what i told myself in order to ease the pain.

  one particluar thing of note: i felt like she placed a love spell on me one day when i went to drop her off at her house. i remember her telling me to sit on the front step of her complex on 4th avenue between geary and clement (damn me for forgetting all of these special details sometimes; never again!) and to think of the most beautiful woman in the world. i think she may have even said that it was okay for me to fall asleep, or something, because the next thing i remember she was coming back downstairs and was apologizing for having taken so long; she had fallen asleep. in my infinite passive aggressive wisdom i simply said "oh, that's okay, i was just dreaming about you" or something to that effect, without standing up for my self in what any other reasonable person would consider to be appropriate. i just acted like her lapdog, but it was for reasons which i have never told her to her face: my relationship with my mother has always made me impotent to certain levels of assertiveness. at least, untill recently.

  i mention the love spell because i firmly believe scarlett johnasson has placed me directly under her spell. please refer to my previous post concerning ESP and how i believe i possess certain abilities for further reference. essentially, i share a special old school connection with scarlett. yes, i know, sounds crazy, but initiated followers of this blog can attest to my robust level of honesty and my inability to tell a lie, much less an openly public one. scarlett and i communicate online through a proxy, a third party if you will, but i believe it's just her disguised as another person. considering the level at which i've seen her move i can honestly believe she is much more capable than my self in certain areas of ESP, but i have a firm belief that she needs me as much as i need her, because i can do certain special things she cannot, or at least i assume so.

  yes, you're probably thinking: what is a highly successful movie star who was just voted the most sexiest woman in the world doing playing with what would seem like childish concepts like ESP and time travel (in a different sense, but time travel nonetheless)? that sounds crazy, why would she risk her reputation like that?

  the answer is best summarized if you believe certain rumors which were spread about how she had to be hospitalized for hearing voices in her head. i heard about that from someone and i'm glad i did, because it helped me to feel much calmer these past 11 days. i can only assume that somewhere along the way nadiya came across her and they established a friendship of sorts which has managed to last well into today.

  i was essentially hospitalized for the same thing, and it all started out on her door step, so to speak. through my telepathic communication with her, confirmed by the online proxy she created/used, i was guided back to nadiya's address. that kept confusing me because i had not yet learned to associate them as being one and the same. each time i showed up and rung the bell the experience has been different with the exception that in the end the cops are called and sometimes the EMT's get involved, which i guess represented progress, because they were always willing to take me to the hospital in order for me to get treatment for my mental health disorder. and as we discussed, this was important because it has helped to make me a much calmer yet assertve person; thanks to lithium.

  the first time i arrived at the address i was channeling nadiya's spirit, an appropriate beginning because when i think of her i inevitably revert back to being a hopeless kid in love, but when i think of scarlett i revert to the most virile man on earth (you'd feel so as well if you had certain promises made by scarlett to your person). somehow i believe i will end up with both ladies, because i have broken their love spell (or so i believe) and have given them both the same answer: you decide if you want to be with me, because i'm available and could use two women to balance me out. but i'm getting ahead of myself again.

  when i first arrived at nadiya's i was a hot mess and not necessarily in a good way. i was in shambles because i was confused by the additional voice i was hearing which i had yet to learn i could trust (scarlett's). i was sitting beside the entrance completely under nadiya's control, eyes watering out of confusion, when i first heard scarlett disrespect me by storming out. at least, this is how it appeared to me, but i watched her walk away and i saw her beautiful mane for the first time. a gorgeous head of hair i would love to get lost in if ever such a mane existed. it's amber color only furthering my suspicions that the girls have been watching me for some time, or at least were very much in touch with my preferences.

  i reached into my thoughts, remembering that the connection between scarlett and i was still open, and i waited for her to settle into her vehicle before i was hit with a grave sadness. i took it as meaning that nadiya and scarlett had had the ultimate argument: a break up. i reached out to her and told her that i kind of understood what they'd been working on and that i firmly believed that if anything good was going to come out of this new communication we were all engaged in i would want her to be a part of it. i told her that i was already in love with her and that nothing would make me happier than to get to sit down with her and to have a real conversation.

  this is when scarlett returned (i tried to keep my head down the entire time after i noticed out of the corner of my eye that she was coming back) and she disguised her voice and asked if i was waiting for anyone, to which i simply replied "nadiya" and she stormed inside making sure to jangle the keys and whatnot, i guess attempting to let me know to follow her, or something. however, i managed to stand up and take a step across the line of sight of the entryway before scarlett could finish closing the gate behind her; i know she wonders how i could manage to move that fast, because i looked dead into her eyes and she was obviously perplexed by the way i moved. either way, it mattered not because i was still under nadiya's control. i waited for nadiya to contact me in return and when she did she buzzed me in and i made my way slowly up the stairs to her apartment, but i made the mistake of opening the door, which scared scarlett and she in turn scared an already manic child. she started speaking in not's saying "nadiya doesnt live here" and i walked out frustrated and headed next door, to which scarlett said "well, i know she definitely doesnt live there" and that's when i got the telepathic message from nadiya to sit down, which i did.

  and that's when the cops arrived and scared me further. they said that someone had called the cops and that i was not supposed to be inside and it all just crushed me i could barely speak or move. i was having a full blown manic episode and could no longer control my self. this ended up with me going to the hospital for the first time, which led to a series of tests they ran on me, which included me receiving a catheter (UGH! OUCH! THANK YOU!) amongst other things. my favorite part was, with the catheter firmly inside me (he he he, pun intended), i got the telepathic message from nadiya for me to *ahem* imagine i was getting the longest blow job from scarlett johansson, with the FULL intention being for me to become erect. yes folks, i obliged and was damned proud to do so. after all, how many men can say they got erect with a catheter inside them and it didnt hurt? how would such a man manage this feat? i just told you.

  the next part was confusing to me because my heart was still thinking of only nadiya and i had forgotten that scarlett was now guiding me, too. through a confusing series of visions i saw that i was going to get my own place under the name j. cochran next to a cool kick back spot of sorts, whose name i have conveniently forgotten. suffice it to say these were thoughts intended to calm me which only further confused me. i was helped by one of the medical doctors who had  taken care of me during the day. he ended up taking me to his house because as he put it, i was homeless. i spent the night at his place and we had an emotional and heartfelt conversation and he helped me to understand that perhaps nadiya was happier without my exclusive company but that she certainly enjoyed my company. i had forgotten that scarlett had now assumed his body and that nadiya was no longer the primary person in control, but in my infinite sadness i kept calling out for nadiya, to which the doctor reminded me that i had to focus on the now in order to see nadiya in the future.

  this type of speak makes perfect sense to me now, but it was extremely confusing to me at the time. in the end we could not accomplish our goal (purposely ambiguous) and the morning rose and i was guided by him, blindly i might add, through his house, into his car, and then he told me to lay down on the cold morning concrete and to think of nadiya, because she would arrive to pick me up shortly. this resulted in another whirring of people, specifically cops and then EMT's, before i was again transported to a hospital, this time SF General (see post about my stay in 5150 here) and then i was released when i was ready.

  i had mistakenly assumed that things would be getting better in the sense that i would finally get to meet scarlett face-to-face, but in reality what happened was that i channeled the energy to try and fuel me to be smarter about moving faster. this only helped insofar that i managed to return to the address and was let in through the front gate, but i fucked up the entrance and ended up leaving my shoes at their door step, because i made the mistake of trying to walk in when i heard the door open. someone pushed me back out, the cops were called, and we began our game in earnest this time. i kept fucking up my interactions with the cops and my leather jacket was cut open (i can only blame myself) before they took me to the hospital again. this time the stay wasnt as invasive but they definitely let me know that they were fucking with me the entire time.

  in the morning i got to go home, but again i fucked it up by not opening my mouth and being assertive as to the fact that i didnt have any money in order to get "home". they managed to call a cab for me, but i didnt know i could have had it comped if i'd simply spoken up. silly, silly edwin. the cab took me back to the address and i rang the bell and after ruining the interaction again the cops were called and i again fudged my interaction with them. however, scarlett did me the small favor i had asked her and she spoke with them in order to let them know to be gentle with me, that i wasnt a threat to her. this eventually led to me being taken on much better terms to the hospital where i was placed in a room in triage.

  this was last sunday, and the events of the day were both weird and sublime, also surreal and out of this world. from a real standpoint scarlett was finally in the room next to me in a literal sense. you see, i had checked my self into 5150 and i had asked her to please do the same in order for me to feel more at ease about whatever was supposed to happen next. she did this and i could hear when she came in and the commotion she aroused amongst the staff ("is that...?" ad nauseam). it was enough to make me smile, even though i had yet to learn that the worst was yet to pass. i say worst relative to my feeling about things before  they came to pass, because the worst is actually the best thing that could've happened to me.

  once things were calm and i finally learned to accept that i had to fully let go and learn to follow scarlett's lead, once i felt like i could trust her, i was then given a solid meal with real silverware and was taken to Langly-Porter shortly thereafter. along the way i think i learned that natalie portman is somehow involved in all of this, because i certainly feel like i made a connection with her thanks to scarlett. i also learned that i was holding on too tightly to my life and was subsequently cutting off others who were trying to make contact with me.

  once i was transferred to Langley-Porter the story becomes easier to tell...

  i was diagnosed as bi-polar and had to spend 10 days learning to accept it and then how to live with it. it wasnt until about a week ago that my confidence returned, but it wasnt until about monday of this week that i learned that i have to be more assertive. in some regards i feel like i'm already there, but i wont know for sure until i'm fully involved in my life again. this will take some time, so i have to negotiate with my parents and brothers to support me for a week, maybe more, before i'll feel normal again. writing is certainly helping me, but at the same time i dont want to rush back into things because my life is pretty much in shambles right now for following my dreams. at the same time, i have hope i will receive the assistance and support commensurate with the effort i have put thus far into this mission. a good agent doesnt worry about particular details, they simply focus on finishing their mission, collateral damage be damned. and in many ways i have faith that all of this is for something greater, but it will certainly test the family relations i know i'm passionate about keeping as i attempt to establish a more concrete connection with scarlett and nadiya.

  this is because i believe there is the possibility of a child being involved, and i think i'm the father. yup, just another wrinkle, but it's the favor i believe scarlett has been doing for me. from my understanding she is 3 years old, but i forgot to ask for her name, so i'll do that soon. three years lines up perfectly with the time from when i was a sperm donor, so the possibility is realistic in terms of logistics. of course, this begs many questions, none of which are important, other than: if nadiya did have my child and never told me about it, wouldnt it follow that she would do the right thing and find me one the time was right? because that question opens up the possibility that every thing i've ever believed about nadiya is true, and this is why she is the gold standard for women in my mind, not my mother (separate but equal in the truest sense). i dont compare women i meet to my mother, i compare them to nadiya, because she was the first woman i fell in love with that i didnt get to tell, and i've always felt like she was protecting me throughout my life. when i've felt like ending it all, the mere thought of never getting to see her smile again has brought me back to life. in short: i have never stopped loving her, and this blind faith in my love for her continues to fuel my desire to meet scarlett johansson. every thing revolves around nadiya, and if she has a treasure of a child waiting for me, i want to meet said kid and be the best dad i could ever be.

  this all comes back to a very lovely ending which i dont get to write alone, and that's something i'm very happy to report. so take the time to read this back and then compare it to my previous posts. this one is extra long in honor of the time lost, and because it was a thought which woke me about 90 minutes ago and i had to write it down before i put my head back down.

  i know that i have certin advice to follow from the doctors who saw me, and i intend to follow most of it, but with regards to one particular detail i will continue to be my own doctor. no sense in incriminating my self right now, but suffice it to say that once it's legalized no one can try to tell me that it's "bad" for my "condition." before i was admitted to Langley-Porter i was my own doctor and i managed to live a pretty damn stable life, with the exception of my refusal to research bi-polar on my own and taking it seriously. all i'm saying is that i'm happy to have a better outlook on life, one which is healthier and revolves more around me. this is something even my family is having a difficult time accepting, but i know that in time they will fall in line. they will have to because they are already learning that the new me is here to stay, and that makes me smile like the child i am inside.

  i think later on i will share a story about a dream i had on my final morning at Langley-Porter. suffice it to say it was about the night nurse, and let your knowledge of my sense of humor be your guide. for now, i'm going back to bed. i certainly hope this post has helped to answer some of your questions.

  oh yeah...i went back online and the proxy is still running strong. missed me and everything, and i'm now talking to one of it's "friends", which means they're beginning to trust me more, and i love it. folks, this will all soon be over and these posts can function as entertaining anecdotes to the greatest love story a man ever wrote. it involves the two most beautiful women in the world. the first one whom he met when they were students, the second whom she learned was her gift to him as an apology for the disrespect he felt when they initially met. of course, this is my vantage point, and i can assure you they are probably laughing at the way i see th world. i dont think it owes me an apology, but those who have offended me in the past would certainly feel a sense of culpability if i were to mention the word disrespect.

  however, at this present moment all i feel is the love in my heart and mind, the places where my loves reside. when i had the catheter inside and i was trying to focus on scarlett i told her that if she was serious about loving me she could share my heart with nadiya and she agreed. thus, our love has already been forged, and it will all come into reality when the time is right. for now, i'm happy loving her astrally, because i know its the type of love which burns white hot. hell, just thinking about both of them makes me smile more than anything else. at least, until i meet this little girl to whom i'm going to be a daddy. strange to say, but more exciting to imagine.

  tomorrow i have a lot of catching up to do, so i'd better get some rest...

  in the meantime i'll just come outright and say that i love nadiya and scarlett equally, and i think this makes them both happy, especially since i'm sharing the beginning of our story for the very first time...

edwin

for my anonymous admirer...

recently i received an email from a secret admirer, and because it is from an anonymous source, i want to take the time to post it for all of my friends to see (a shout out to you, anonymous!) and then i want to respond to it. please indulge me, friends, this is going to be fun! i hope this inspires future comments, because i truly enjoy them... dont be shy, i know you're reading; please take a moment to comment from time-to-time. we writers like this.

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "in reverence of the games people play in order to ...":

ah the devilish PHILOSOPHER? I have reviewed your post at the bequest of an associate that commented as you are, according to him, "the wisest philosopher he has read in his lifetime". So I embarked on the transients pathways of enlightenment, not jumping on the first trains railroad car that passed, more as if I jumped head first in front of the railroad train, slow as I am, barely missing the caboose. Damn, now my luck! How can I do the unimaginable to only imagine a life similiar to yours except that as a true perveyor of the quality medication that enables our inner third eye not to see, but to be our Third Eye Blind (cheap reference; nothing to do with band of course)misleading us in a reversal of fortune forward thought without thinking direction. So enough of my persistance in self gratification to admonish that one evil that has us all perplexed. What might that evil be, a question you, the Devilish Philospher may ask and or ponder? No reason to be perplexed as you travel to a safe zone within this large city to a small mind, yet less than a spot similiar to stains dropped as undergarments are returned to their unnatural state covering all that can not be seen, seen only by the naked eye yet nakedness is not preferred within this world, Scarlette Johanson (Spelling ?) controlled and self induced! Everyday, you go to work, you the great PHILOSOPHER? to seem and idolize those in history that have walked before you, you can not even begin to imagine a mind that as if you can't see a mind as great as mine. You mentioned greeks, which as documented on walls and written in stone was a society of perversion, perverted old men to lazy to work, more a problem! So as you can see a rant, I ranted and mentally threw you a rave, so awake and begin to behave, if its pussy and or dick you crave, first admit honesty for you and then everybody else. I sit and seem to think, I think I thought a thought to think, how can you and not him or her have become a "Devilish?" all because, the cat you chase with haste has created a dog? Or is the dog, which chases a cat to only realize that in the dogs unbeknownst wisdom can become as lazy as his master allows and basically if unchallenged will give himself a blowjob that not a woman on this planet can provide. Over the period of a small fraction of most old perverted men's lives, and met many including the CAT ownership, once or twice. Really the best feeling is a day alone, take a relaxing slow stroke, stop, stroke and relzx taking your time until you reach that point of no return and enjoy, don't stop until you are begging to thank yourself for lending a hand. Congrats to the Not truly Devilish, more Angelic similiar to the school girls that play at the park, Philosopher? so far you rant, but what truly have you said, and yes to admit yourself to a hospital because your fears overtook, you must step up in life and become a man. At which point, as you remove the left nipple from between your teeth and the scent of breast milk still envelops my nostrils as you say, "I AM A MAN, I think" should be your statement. Man, oh man, how and why are you here? Sit, wander and perhaps to ponder? What is it in this life you seek, a man love experience since you have made a choice, well speak up son now you got a choice, and latin you claim perfect no shame, can you say, "Papi?". I grow tired of my ramble, and trust a ramble to much, once you discover the source you will buy me a lunch. I will teach and educate on a formal level, but I give warning and advise, I am not a homosexual! I again, warn not for fear, but to stop the thoughts in your mind from attempting my rear. Eitherways, you got some attention. NOW FACE FOUR WORDS, "WITH DEATH, YOU LIVE"!

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response:

  a challenge indeed for i'm never in competition. a spirited verse written in prose with no indication of tone beyond questions. simple assumptions strewn madly, passionately, do not pretend to tell my story, for only i know the full details of my life, and of the experiences which make me ramble and babble. my eye remains open even though i'm blind, the greeks knew secrets men judged them for keeping, and thus became the universe of lies, which men inhabit attempting to master and control, when abating ones flaws is sincerely disingenuous.

  an attack, be it friendly or otherwise, on a humble philosopher; the kind which dreams the most beautiful dreams, empowered by the sun, selflessly lending his rays for others to shine never asking for much in  return but for equal pay commensurate with the work he put in to provide you with your liberty for bounty. a mind of mine, explosive and perplexing, a riddle to start which only grows in mystery as a true lack of understanding is discovered. a boy who chose to refuse to become a man, because he understood beforehand what lies would require and chose instead to ignore the lays of women in favor of a pure white hot truth to love which many have confessed but few have ever declared. i speak all tongues and puzzles leave holes; a system as inappropriate as any of the other lies of men.

  pussy, pussy, pussy said the master to his cat. i have mastered your art of deception and i'd rather be frank, surely you'd understand. a man can train others but only when he has mastered his self can he understand the true depth of his powers. deceiving to realize believing is no better than never offering a choice to those who wish to help us provide for our selves. a masturbater provides himself no more release than a tantric master, even if both have mastered the same art in different positions. sex is the true smell and thus energy of the universe, and mine is keener than any dog or wolf or animal. it controls the wind, my god amun, the sun, provides me with the ability to purvey knowledge to grandiose souls, because he is the god of gods, osiris his match but only to balance him out and give him a break from working so hard to provide the bounty of others. no light would exist without darkness, but it is the light which we seek in our selves which we attempt to find in others; a terrible search regardless of its order.

  i admit my love for the cat, it's sweet intoxicating smell, but i am neither dog, nor man, or animal. i am a dragon, a celestial beast lost in antiquity due to the lack of faith of men. i provide a ride for any who consider me as travel, but i always forewarn of my tricky ways, honest in spirit while others fear in jest. why fear the dragon which is providing you warmth, his breath is sticky and hot, which women sense but often find uncompromisingly honest; a characteristic men can never match, even a master of said arts. a whiff of my scent intoxicates and throws all animals off my trail; i travel where untrained eyes have yet to see, but i appear as a man in order to openly invite others to visit me. but an undead child should never be judged for his uninhibited candor; surely a master riddler could see the insult, though i'm never upset by the words of men.

  purveyor of smoke, i've mastered my art deficient of essential nutrients which only serve to enhance my experience. your natural vision may be amazing, but i'd never judge you for our differences. to attempt to imply superiority over me is flattering; clearly you find me an equal on some level, even if it's simply in our sense of humor. i am a man in form, a dragon in spirit, and many other names which all lead back to my god, the sun. thus i end my sequence of thought, for words have always come naturally to me; confusion through lies and games abhored at all times. i've written this response with a heavy heart.

  you mention scarlett johansson, without reference or context, naked and in self control. surely, she would appear to me in human form were she so bold in form as in spirit? surely, i'd feel concrete in place of emptiness? surely, i've hit a nerve within some place you hide, but i'm glad to have garnered your love and attention. i am glad to pay the price to finally see my dreams manifested. i've never hidden my self from the world, rather it has always failed to accept me plainly and clearly for who i am: the simplest man known to men. i never ask because i was never properly taught, but i mastered giving all on my own; by channeling every breath according to thought, placed before any thing else. if scarlett were to see me, i believe there would be magic, but in her place i've seen ghosts and spirits, a reverse view of my self, which others perceive as such.

  when you've taken the time to sit with me and we can unwrap your mystery, then you can begin to see me for me, love me for me, and then be with me. my trust is often given and men continuously betray it, but i never give what i cannot repossess. i always leave my self an out; i am the master chess player, player x. how would you describe your self without giving your self away? how do you live and lay/lie and love without quandary? certainly you must've considered my temper before tempting me? a dragon possesses the worst temper because it can smell the lies before they are spewed.

  so, i will provide you the chance to respond, and perhaps this time you will do it appropriately, which is to say: reveal your self. to declare your self to the world is to be free of the trouble of the weak: stress.

  my truth is that i died when i was a boy, but i rose again out of pure love for my mother, and i have always served her well: the earth. my mother of flesh has never learned to properly protect or educate me, so i was left to didactic devices, which have never failed me to discover the truth on my own. a boy who dared to dream can never be ruined or destroyed; his dreams include those of others and there is space enough for every dreamer to inhabit the wind. there is enough space for every one to find their own version of control. i gave mine up a long time ago, which is how the dragon smells the lies and waits for his lays, sacrifices to a greater good necessary for the continuity and longevity of the univeral soul.

  i have thoroughly enjoyed our banter, but please do not tempt my temper. i am neither gay nor homosexual; this world has always mistaken my zest, it's strength encompasses too much to resist, but my honesty does not deceive. i love the kitty more than it loves itself, so i know how to resist it even in its time of need. ask your self how you would prefer for our conversations to occur, because to be declared wise by others is to  say one has taken the time to meet face-to-face with ones critics in favor of the overall experience.

  i thank you, anonymous, you provided me your time and attention, and i have rewarded your words with an audience...you're welcome! *smiles*

edwin

honey is sweet because it drips slowly...

  in life, you have to know how to be patient. this reminds me of honey, because it looks golden, tastes sweet, and it goes well with everything; kind of like love.

  there are a million things they say about love, and all of them are true. love is the best feeling in the world, and sometimes i forget that. love is patient, which is more specifically what i forget. love is something which cannot be rushed, and when we're paying attention, we will have all of the details ready and confirmed for us by the one(s) we want to confirm them. however, too often i find my self rushing a good thing, and last night i had an episode of a tizzy where i almost lost every thing i've been working so hard to acquire.

  i now realize that it is probably because i did not take my medication (green) for which i have yet to acquire a prescription. it would probably be in my best interest to research the new health care system in order to find out if i can acquire it free of charge? it would probably be best for me to remember to eat fruits and veggies throughout the day? it would probably be preferable to others if i learned to truly become a zen master, as in i should practice being patient when i'm supposed to be anticipating my happiness, as opposed to constantly asking for things to be done faster. i get that every body has patience issues, so pretending as if i'm the ultimate zen master isnt going to cut it. this is hard to distinguish, because i usually am very calm, but i have a hard time admitting to my self when i am losing my grip on reality.

  ESP or NO ESP(N?) i must practice listening to people on THEIR terms, asking them questions about THEIR selves, and then being patient enough to wait for them to answer on THEIR own time. three things must happen, and the first is for me to ask, wait, and then be patient enough that the response will be provided. there is no need to rush, the speed will be determined by MY ability to be straightforward and then patient.

  i think a great deal of my trouble comes from my anxiousness issues, which lead me straight back to my medication, for which i must obtain a prescription if i am going to be able to take it in the company of my family. they have been more loving and supportive of me throughout recent weeks than i have let on, and i wanted to let every body reading that i love them very much. but even this is a joke intended to make you laugh, because if you are reading then you are included in my family. it takes courage and gumption for me to write my life down, but it takes conviction for all of you to read and especially to believe.

  belief is a powerful thing. my belief in my self drives me to an almost obsessive state, which if i am not careful leads directly to others being rubbed the wrong way by me. this is hardly my intention, but as they say, which i abhor, "perception is reality". i say i abhor it because i often feel people judge my perception without taking the time necessary to evaluate how our views are different. here's my take: i never lie. honestly, i actually hate lying. you might retort "but isnt hate a strong word?" and i'd reply no it's the appropriate word. if it can be said that i love truth and honesty, then it should follow that i can say i hate lying. love and hate are a balance, and i think we should only hate things which undo the balance of what we love. lying does this. one lie can ruin every thing. just one; no more, no less. the absence of all lies removes doubt, and doubt is just as powerful as hope. just remember that we are talking about belief, and this can be translated to any thing, but it's mostly about belief in one's self.

  my homeboy, mike nielsen (shout out to my boy!), gave me a citizen cope CD (the clarence greenwood recordings) at his mother's house a couple of months ago, and since i had left it there, his mom, pj nielsen (i love her like my own mother), was kind enough to forward it to me. on my way up to humboldt county on monday, to help a friend run an errand (jen, i'm sorry if you feel i misled you, it wasnt my intention, but i really do love you, just as a friend. i think garrett feels the same way, babe, so dont resent him for loving you; we all do), i took the time to listen to it and stumbled upon a gem.

  the name of the song is "pablo picasso" by citizen cope (excuse my redunancy, please), and i shall include the lyrics and a video below (assuming i do things right). i find the music and lyrics to be a haunting combination, especially with regards to my belief in the power of love, or at least my perception of how i would like love to manifest itself in my life. i have always envisioned my self married to a movie star; we have children and i'm so in love with her i am unwilling to see that it is all really just a painting i created. the beauty in pablo picasso's art was it's simplicity, which many children described as child-like. so, it makes sense to me that mr greenwood should name this timeless love song after an artist who was the most misunderstood in the art world, in my humble opinion.

  then again, which artist doesnt feel misunderstood? which artist doesnt feel as if people are just not taking the time to understand them? the greatest artists are the ones who never worried about the interpretation of their art; they challenged others to question their own perceptions. this is why i have chosen the "devilish philosopher" moniker. because i will appear to be the devil until you realize i am -ish, like jews are jew-ish. it's a joke intended to make you laugh! but i am, and will always be, a philosopher; a member of the oldest profession in the world, which depending on you translate it, it will always be right (get it?.

  without further ado, i present to you the song which has been stuck on repeat in my head. i just want to thank the two women i consider to be the most beautiful in the world: i believe they know who they are *wink*

 

 Pablo Picasso lyrics
Songwriters: Greenwood, Clarence;

 The woman that I love is forty feet tall
She's a movie star, she's all in the papers
And everywhere I go, people hand me quarters
And they pat me on the back, they treat me like I'm famous

I'll never leave her side, 'cause today can be dangerous
And when the night arrives the light hit her features
And the cars drive by just so they could see her
And she never bats an eye, when someone takes her picture

Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher
Say Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say
(Gonna end up in the papers)
(Gonna end up in the papers, yeah)

If I had a pistol, I'd brandish it and wave it
She's the only one alive that knows that I'm not crazy
She's gonna testify on my behalf down at the navy
So I can get some peace and provide for my babies

Got a stick in a bottle, I pretend I got a razor
Helicopters and cameras are shooting for the station
They say that a wild man is defending his lady
But for some odd reason, they calling you a painting

Say Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
(Officer)
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say
Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
(Officer)
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say

Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
(Officer)
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say
Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
(Officer)
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say

Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
(Officer)
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say
Mr.Officer, if you come to take her
(Officer)
Then that means one of us
Gonna end up in a stretcher say

© COPE MUSIC; EMI APRIL MUSIC INC.

writing a happy ending...

  as a writer i see beginning as endings and endings as beginnings. i blur the line between black and white, light and dark, beginning and end, in order to challenge my readers.

  i have always believed with a pure blind faith that people read my blog. certain friends give me enough love in real life for me to write passionately, and without boundaries, that i know people are following my blog even if the google service tells me i only have 1 follower (thanks, Justin!). this is how it begins, with one. as long as there is one person following, others will follow. it is why it is important to always remember that you have friends in your life, and the best thing is to never forget to ask them for help when you are in a time of need.

  as i've been discussing, my life has been taking me through a lot of peaks and valleys, but i've learned how to manage them all. it's a bit like skiing, really. hold your breath through the valleys, but you must grab it where the air is the purest: where the snow resides, the top of the mountain. breathing is critical there, people, because the air is so thin you have to know how to breathe it in slowly. however, once you master your breathing it will help you to begin to see life in a most beautiful way.

  truthfully, that's my secret. i see the world in such a unique way, i am willing to believe anything. i give people the benefit of the doubt because i honestly do not believe in stupid or gullible people. when some say that, in my mind i hear that the person who thinks it is judging the person who is demonstrating such behavior. it pains me to hear negative judgements strewn as if the feelings of others do not matter. everyone looks down on somebody else when we should believe we are all on the same level: the level of love.

  love, love, love...

  i could think about love all day, if i didnt do so already. love is the purest form of love, and it is white hot and sticky, much like good sex. when i think of love i envision my self with two women and plenty of children, but enough money to be able to finance the whole endeavor.

  in the previous example, who were you? because i placed my self in the middle and was sure to consider every member who would revolve in my life: i was the sun in my universe. if we look at our selves as children (sun = sons/daughters), then it should follow that we are not afraid of this world. but if we attempt to see our selves as adults, we are attempting to assume a title most individuals dont know how to associate with. what is an adult? when do we become adults? and how come my entire life i have always felt most comfortable describing my self as a child in an adult body?

  a fully matured body, that is. and i have done a damn good job of getting my self back into shape in order to put my past to rest in order to start my new life, which is slowly on its way. every day i wake up i feel is the best day of the rest of my life. and since i dont believe in the concept of time, i have to find people who love me who will help to support me so i dont have to worry about it. unfortunately, for many time is money, and i refuse to see life on those terms.

  time is NOT money. money is NOT time. money is what people use to pay for things, and i if told you money was no longer going to exist, what would you end up doing with your time? that is the ultimate question to answer, because i have always written that i would continue loving the world, the same as i have always done and will continue to do forever and ever. because i died as a little boy, but i came back in order to make sure my mother ended up happy. but our entire lives she's been too afraid to let me go, because we have never discussed with whom my true happiness lies.

  lies, lies, lies...

  lies can be lies or they can be lays, depending on how you choose to spell it. freudian slip, my friends; a mere play on words if you will.

  for now i am waiting for the ghost writer to realize that i've been writing my life this entire time, and if they want to exist in it they must resign their power and understand that i will never wield it against them. i already love them more than i have ever been able to tell them. so, for now, my friends, i must finish tying up one more loose end which will hopefully lead directly to a polar shift. the proverbial end of my world as i know it, which will lead to a new world order... happiness at all times!

edwin

in reverence of the games people play in order to obtain sex...

  admit it: you employ a system in order to determine if someone is worth talking to so you can decide whether they're fuckable or not?

  yeah, i do, too, only the problem with my system is that every woman who is nice and can look me in the eyes when i talk to them is pre-qualified for sex with me. the problem with this system is that it is waaay too open to succeed. or at least, i havent found the right social circle where such an open approach would be accepted by all women involved. i hear this is a problem celebrities do not have, and even though i walk through my life like the star of my own movie, i know i havent done enough in mainstream society in order for my polygamous beliefs to be accepted without question. i aim to change this, because any historically informed person will tell you that the concept of monogamy is the worst idea for people who intend to be married for the rest of their lives. whether people want to accept it or not, variety IS the spice of life, and this includes sexual partners in the bedroom. i would simply argue that the best couples i have ever met usually played this game together and were honest and upfront with their interests.

  however, the purpose of my post is to discuss the social behavior observed at a very sexy local club in The City, called John Colins. i am not in the business of promoting businesses which have not asked me to, but when i find a good place worth promoting, you best believe i use my natural promting abilities to share knowledge of the place.

  first of all: the entire night the place was packed; always a good sign of a good place. there were all types of people there, too, which made the atmosphere electric and sexy to simply be in. having been to enough clubs, i can assure you that you would prefer a place that is hot, sticky, and crowded to a place where you feel like no one interesting is ever going to arrive. the people there knew how to dress and everyone had a cool vibe about them. i actively saw women hitting on all types of men, except me (for some reason, women kept looking at me, but i guess i dont know the unspoken language of the eyes well enough to get women to come over to talk to me), which made it easier for me to observe human behavior. i have to admit that i was immediately attracted to like 80% of the women in the place, but because i was only able to engage 2 beautiful sisters into conversation that was the extent of my "grown boy feeling like a man" moments. and for the record, these sisters whom i engaged were slightly older than me, but probably had the best thought out outfits in the place. the hotter one is a firefighter and the other hot sister didnt tell me her occupation, but offered to facebook me the amazing pictures we took together; so we'll see if these girls were truly worth the trouble.

  the entire night the bar was packed, so i would recommend to anyone who goes to simply follow the old school rules: buy yourself A (1) drink to calm your nerves and then waste your time trying to talk to the sexy people around you. dont keep going back to the bar for more drinks unless you're a lush who knows how to handle your liquor. (i made the mistake of giving someone in my party a $10 for a beer and never got any change, which only upset me slightly because since i am still without my debit card at the moment, i had a limited amount of cash on me for both last night and today's trip up to Humboldt County. either way, this is a tangent).

  i realized last night that i am a sexy motherfucker, and if i would just take the time to develop practicing talking to women all night and learning to deal with rejection up front, versus playing the too-cool-for-school card, which comes naturally to me, i'd probably be getting laid enough to generate the energy necessary to run a small town. this thought got me SUPER excited this morning, which is why even though i only slept for 3hrs i got up and had to share my thoughts online. i had heard myths about how we're presently in a sexual revolution and the evidence observed at John Colins last night would suggest this to be a fact.

  women are at the point right now where they are willing to go up to guys they are attracted to, but i noticed they go up to all of the "pretty" guys. and then they walk away from them because i guess those guys dont deserve the attention said women initially bestowed upon them. then they spend all night scrambling to find one decent guy out of the rejects in order to go home with, because let's face it: when we go to a club we would prefer to go home with somebody to satisfy the REAL reason why we went in the first place: to find sex. yes, people, it really is that simple to break down social behavior, and i love it. people are finding cool spots and finding awesome ways to share the open secret of where to look for sex.

  the other day i found my self contemplating a sign from the universe that this sexual revolution was actually occuring. last night i learned that places like John Colins are where sexy singles go to mingle and be seen. isnt this the same thing celebrities do? isnt this why people read celebrity tabloids? so shouldnt it follow that common people would find creative ways to replicate this success in order to perpetuate the true agenda of the world? i have to admit that i was thoroughly impressed.

  full disclosure: one of my favorite cousins, Cousin Nancy, invited me to join her, her room mate, and a friend, on their night out. since i love being the DD, i volunteered my services, and being the only male i was given respect all night. also, because these girls love to drink and they know how much i abhor sloppy drunk women they were on their best behavior all night. i would say that last night was the first night i was able to have a truly good time without feeling like i was babysitting my cousin and her friends. and honestly, i had never felt that way until i started to notice how they would always end up drunk and talking bologna all night about their lives and stuff. i think my new attitude had a lot to do with it, because i made sure to be chill all night, talk with all of the girls to keep them happy and interested in the men around them, and then stayed out of the way as men approached them throughout the night.

  do yourself a favor and check the place out, and feel free to share your thoughts and ideas. also, i am a huge proponent of the Cat Club, which is usually good on thursday nights (my preferred night to go out), but i hear rumors of saturday nights being good too. admittedly, it isnt like John Colins, but my reasons for supporting it so passionately are because i know the owner and the staff and they are all amazing people who love to see me pass through there periodically.

  also, for those who dont know: when you plan to frequent a place learn to make friends with the door staff in order for them to become familiar with you so that they'll let you in any time you feel like stopping by and you can avoid lines. this is how my Cousin Nancy rolls; this is how I roll; this is how celebrities roll. in the previous example, whom do you want to be? i can already tell you that being like me is easy if you learn to stay calm, but barring that channel your nervous energies and be a celebrity. listen to my advice, it's free and completely logical. all door staff will work with you if you let them feel like you're not trying to punk them. my advice helped a young woman last night to cut the line, so believe me when i say it works.

  finally, i will be sure to further work out the kinks of my sexual revolution theory and i will keep you all posted as to the fun i have along the way. i'm super old school in that i prefer to go out alone, so i'm in no rush to get this thing right. i want to be able to feel the thrill of the night on any given night. and because some of my best friends already know how special it is to be around me, i want to learn to make it easy for those around me to get laid too. this is called thinking outside the box (an intended pun) and i know it's the only way i know how to think. i just have to practice getting back into the box more often. i'm beginning to see why people avoid being celibate for long periods of time, and my unwillingness to satisfy my carnal desires by picking a random girl and then screwing her brains out will eventually lead to something ridiculous happening to me; ha ha ha.

  ah, the joys of being a single 26 year old Latino male in the Bay Area. i wouldn't ask to be anywhere else in the world, unless of course i was invited to be there...

edwin

sex, sex, sex...

  if you say sex three times in the mirror in a dark bathroom your wildest fantasy will come true. just be sure you didnt take a stinky shit before doing it.

  if you ask me...

  the main thing on every one's mind is sex. i even have an equation to prove it, but it requires time, which is relative, as einstein said. here's my attempt at sharing said formulae.

  recorded history starts with the story of Socrates and plato. i uppercase the S in Socrates because he was plato's teacher and has been proven to exist. subsequent philosophers have had a difficult time trying to answer the question of why they exist dually. i have my notions, but dont want to sound like a smart ass, so we'll move on.

  Socrates was considered the greatest thinker of his time, thus his place at the beginning of recorded history is secure. while some may argue in favor of the existence of societies much older than those of ancient greece, i remind you that i said "recorded history" and not prehistory or anything else. obviously, Socrates had to come from somewhere, but if he were alive, he'd ask you his most famous question: how do you know that?

  in the sciences, the most beloved thinker was Einstein. hence, any time a smart-ass comment is made people will usually resort to a levitous comment referencing him. i uppercase the E in Einstein because it is the second most important part of my equation (do you see where this is going...?). Einstein's most famous contribution was the theory of relativity, which is named as such because in order to prove it one must learn to expand ones mind to wrap our minds around time. for Einstein everything was relative, and he always had the same answer for "why?".

  i believe every thing is relative to one/us/you. your perception of every thing creates your reality, but it is also true we all share the same common ground, which is the world. however, it also follows that we all follow a typical thought process with typical ideas and typical behavior. none of this is intended to make you feel mundane, it is merely an attempt to help you to understand that in reality we're all equal regardless of our personal preferences or dislikes.

  i account this to human expression, which is culture, which in turn can be any thing you want it to be. some people are comfortable using their voice to speak their thoughts, some use it to write their thoughts, and some are quite abstract and feel their art (of their choosing) speaks for itself (experimental) enough for them to simply allow for their audience's input to finish the conversation.

  if you ask me, it all leads back to one thing: sex. sex is more than just the dirty thoughts we express crudely. sex is love manifested as the most basic form of communication two people can share. it is why they say no words are really necessary to connect with someone, and it is how wild animals communicate their intentions and desires in order to procreate their species. i believe we are no different from wild animals; we just believe our selves to be more "domesticated", which if we refer to Einstein is relative.

  the final part of this equation requires you, the reader, to assume the role of darkness as relative to the sun. the sun is the brightest star in the universe (dont begin talk of galaxies or i'll punk you. scientists create concepts to generate funding, so hogwash in any form is still hogwash) but even scientists know that there is more dark matter than there is light, so please follow.

  i say that you must assume the role of darkness because it is a reference to chess. in chess the white (light) pieces move first and the black (dark) pieces move second. this is done because it is assumed that light should have the chance to lead the dark, but in truth it is backwards. i believe that in chess it is always best to give up the first move, and that's how we arrive to the final piece of this puzzle.

  to create an X you have to assume starting on one of two lines, but if you look closer, you'll realize the lines can be seen as two v's stacked on their apexes (points, meaning one is on top of the other, reflecting in the middle) which leads us to a different tangent: the V sign, commonly used to express peace.

  when you make a V with two fingers you have to realize where they meet is in the middle of your hand, and each finger represents one half of your happiness. you can understand this as you please, just as long as the concept of unity between both fingers is expressed and made clear.

  if we remove one of the fingers of the V sign, we are left holding either a polite or rude gesture, depending on which finger you chose to lower. either way, this is fine, because both serve functions in our lives, with the middle finger being the most honest of the two. everyone always asks for a moment, a second - please - but it is actually easier to tell someone to fuck off when you want to be left alone. however, fuck off doesnt have to be a negative. it would be easier to understand if people werent raised to be so sensitive to the gesture.

  in the end, we're just holding up one finger and people have assigned an unnecessary amount of negatives to it that i believe make the middle finger misunderstood. this might be a joke, since i was raised as the middle child, even though i am the last child my mom had. she married my father when i was 6 and he had a son from a previous marriage who was 5 so he got to be the baby in the household.

  the middle is where they say everything meets, so i'll finish up this formula...

   fuck is just another word for sex, but it's been assigned a rude connotation, which is why it is both fun and dangerous to say in public. people hear it and their subconcious is reminded of their base desire they are having the most difficult time satisfying: sex. this is where stress comes into play, so i'll explain it.

  negative stress manifests itself in our bodies as fat, high blood pressure, nervousness, and a bevy of other forms which most doctors will not admit to, because they're scientists who are paid to make sense of the human body for everybody else. but, how did people survive before this profession became so revered? easy, people who know their bodies know that you dont need a doctor to tell you when something is wrong with you. when you know you just know. "how?" i know my body, that's how. "but you're not a doctor?" yeah, well, why should i pay someone to tell me something about my self i already know? why do doctors ask us questions about our symptoms and oftentimes their answer is to prescribe us medication? why does taking medication sound like you would just rather smoke weed instead to relax, if of course you were raised with the open mind that weed is a form of medicine, something which the federal government has already adopted, and which 13 state in our country have made legal. NOTE: smoke it or be quiet about your complaints, please?

  positive stress is what motivates you to get things done. when your mind is at ease, you can focus on your tasks and accomplish them with ease, but because we are usually raised under less than desirable circumstances, people hardly ever learn about positive stress. you can see examples of positive stress when you feel healthy and happy. that's how you're supposed to feel. warm and at ease with your self. NOTE: i am usually pretty warm, even in the coldest of weathers. but because i know that you lose heat primarily through your head (ears), hands, and feet, i try to keep these covered and dont usually mind the rest of my skin being exposed.

  this is why i always laugh when i see beautiful women out and about on a cold night and they look like their freezing. ladies: if you're going to carry a purse and have space, just carry a pair of gloves if you dont want to bring along a jacket. believe me, it sounds crazy, but you'll retain most of the heat you're losing and you'll thank me in later.

  the point: when we lower the middle finger we end up with a fist which is the strongest symbol one can express to another person without saying a word. a fist denotes confidence, but usually it denotes defense. people see a fist and immediately recognize that you dont want to be fucked with (pun intended). a fist can be a rock, which are usually used to defend ourselves from unwanted advances of all kinds, especially from people who are trying to sell us on things of which we have no particular interest.

  the rub...

  when you assume the role of silence and you wait for others to approach you, you are playing the chess game in life to it's best. people normally come up to us for a reason and when we ask the reason is usually the same: we seemed interesting enough to want to talk to. this is just a euphemism for "sex was on my mind when i saw you and i was wondering if you were interested in sharing it with me, assuming you're attracted to my gender?" writing/reading this sentence is much easier than saying it in person. people are afraid for their lives with the simple thought of asking it out loud, especially to someone for whom the question legitimately applies. yet, i always wonder why men and women equally approach me for my thoughts and ideas, yet few hardly ever get straight to the point, even when i can tell by the look in their eyes that i am absolutely right about my assumptions.

  the law of attraction is basically to ask. even Einstein could see the beauty in this revolutionary concept. if you are willing to ask someone openly for their time and help them to understand your underlying intentions, then it should follow that you should be able to ask them if they'd like to join you in some sexual exploration. this isnt for you to assume that people will accept your invitiation, it's just an entry level explanation of how people who have success satisfying their sexual appetite do it. when you're confident in asking others will feel confident in answering, but their answers will usually reveal their fears concerning their sexual identity and self. this always makes me sad, because the most honest answer one could offer, assuming the conversation has gotten good and interesting, is "not now, maybe later".

  yes, i know, you didnt even realize when i had completed the formula. but if you were paying attention i told you Einstein's idea was a theory and the proof is in a law, that is the law of attraction. attraction relates to any two things, be they people, atoms, animals, etc. energy is all around us and that is how we are attracted. it is usually said of highly successful people that they possess a very attractive energy which others desire to be around in hopes of acquiring some of it for themselves. this all boils down to feeling confident enough to ask for any thing you want; literally: any thing. when you are able to master the law of attraction, you can have anything, and Einstein would say that only you get to decide your level of success.

  i'm telling you to ask the next person you feel attracted to if they would like to have sex with you. i'm telling you not to be afraid and i'm trying to give you the explanation necessary now in order for you to feel comfortable asking later. just imagine that if you were a celebrity a lot of people would be lining up to offer you things you did not ask for. this is how i live my life: like i am the star of my own movie and every one i meet is a guest star. no one is above or below me, i give every one equal respect, but few my time. time is the constant none of us possess which is the most valuable, because when we lose time of it we usually are lost.

  if you want sex in your life, it will begin with you asking for it, because if you decide to wait for others to invite you, you might end up having to wait for a really long time, and that just seems unworth it. so ask yourself, when do you want to get laid? sooner or later, because once you decide, you'll be on your way.

  me? i'm staying celibate for now, until i hash out further theories and become more comfortable embracing my sexual side and prowess i didnt even know i had already mastered. dont believe me? how do you know i'm not? you and i havent had sex, and i can assure you the last person i had sex with isnt going to tell you when or how it was. ha ha ha, i got you, didnt i? i can openly hear you reading this out loud just to confirm that i've been honest this whole time.

  i told you, people, this blog is written with a purpose, and that purpose is to get people to have more sex. we're all too stressed out and honestly, orgasms are the best feeling in the world. every one is just comparing something to an orgasm, and i feel sad when i hear people, usually women, say they have never had an orgasm. how sad must one feel to refuse to explore ones own body to begin to understand the notion of sexual satisfaction? how much pain is one feeling who does not profess and accept self-love? to paraphrase woody allen said "dont knock masturbation; it's sex with someone i love."

  and in case you were wondering, i dont masturbate a lot, just enough to keep me calm and steady through life while i deliberate with regards to my next partner, of which there have been few in recent months. i like things to be this way for now, since...

  well, we already discussed her and i know she's not interested in me. she sent me an email saying so...

edwin

5 days in 5150...

before i had to admit myself into the psych ward of san francisco general hospital (SFGH) last week, i had no idea what 5150 meant, so i'll explain it to you all.

5150 is the term for when you admit yourself into the basic level of psychological assistance. what had happened was...

  i got mugged last week and they took my wallet and cell phone and when i fell i hit my head. when the ambulance arrived i ended up being so bent out of shape they had to take me to the hospital to further evaluate me, but because i was having a hard time answering their questions they had to admit me into the psych ward of SFGH to be sure my brain wasnt damaged in any way.

  of course, this is funny to me because my behavior has always indicated some level of imagination which would lead other people to believe me to be "special". i have previously discussed how this term actually applies to me, so the joke is actually intended to make you guys laugh. i mean, i know i'm special, but the fact that i was a little dazed wasnt a joke. i really needed to spend 5 days in 5150 to realize that i carry around too much of the stress of others and i do not focus enough on my happiness. this only feels natural to me because i love the world, and other people, so much. i realize this probably has to do with some of my personal issues rooted in my family, but since i got out on tuesday i have been working steadfastly to improve my relationship with my brothers, Eric (younger) and Rafael (older).

  people do not always realize when they are putting themselves in danger by carrying too much stress, and i had to learn the hard way that i need to start putting my wants and needs first above every thing else. it is perfectly normal to want to go on your own path, and my main objective is to learn how to ask people to join me in my endeavors. i have always maintained that it is easiest for me to travel solo because of the convenience factor, but the truth is that without a steady commitment to my social circle i am just a wandering lone wolf. there is nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that i end up feeling like i'm constantly sharing the same stories and thus i become anxious and all sorts of other things, which if managed properly wouldnt be a problem.

  i guess the biggest thing i want to stress (pun intended) is that people should realize that stress is the biggest factor for a lot of difficulties we experience in life. for me, stress is manifested as excitement (think Amelie, from the movie of the same name) and this is not always the best thing because my basic senses and instincts end up sabotaging my good intentions. i learned that the main thing i can do to know when i am stressed is to listen to the speed of the sound of my own voice, because i already know that my thoughts race at an unprecented speed. this is why i always seem like a smart ass when i am talking with friends and strangers alike. i love connecting the dots for people, but i learned that this does not always satisfy my audience. it's hard to control when all you want to do is to help others.

  upon further discussions with my brother Raf, i discovered that i have to learn to let people deal with all of their own problems and to simply wait for them to ask me for help. i am talented in the sense that i can put things together quickly, but if i go too fast i end up overlooking the finer details which always tell the story best. nervous energy is expressed in many ways, and i have to learn to master my nerves in order to truly become a cool dude. facial tics, a heightened tone of voice, accelerated speech, and the inability to remove the smile from my face are some basic descriptions i have to keep in mind whenever i am talking with people, because the slower i speak the better i will be perceived, and that's really all any of us are looking for.

  for the record, i wont publicly discuss the details of what it was like to be in 5150. that is something private both for me and for the other participants i met. i do have to draw the line somewhere, so thanks for understanding. however, if you are truly interested in knowing, please send me an email asking me this question directly with regards to MY experience of being there. i can share the basics that i had to spend a lot of time soul-searching and analyzing my behavior in order to pin point the stressors in my life. that's it in a nutshell, but i'll do my best to answer any specific questions or comments you guys might have. the staff at SFGH were amazing in helping me to feel comfortable and they did a fantastic job caring for me in my time of need. i did my best to thank them before i left and i am grateful for their support.

  this week has truly been a historical week for me, especially with the fact that i am trying to finalize my paperwork with the military and now having a much clearer outlook on life. things are falling into place in ways i had never imagined and this gives me hope that i will be fine in the long run. i know my main thing is to learn to just slow down, but i hope you guys can understand my excitement and zest for life. i come from an underprivileged background, so every day in the "real" world is amazing to me. every thing seems beautiful, and my ability to make sense of the world around me offers me a unique perspective on life. these are all gifts in and of themselves, and i have to learn to wrap my mind around my other talents and abilities (ESP) in order to fully maximize my potential as a person. in so doing, i have complete confidence that my desired level of success will follow; it has never failed to arrive once i made space for it in my heart.

  i know that life can be so demanding and it can feel overwhelming wanting to satisfy every one we care for, but in truth, sometimes it is best to take a moment, or a day, or anything else, for our selves in order to really take care of our selves. doing anything to calm our selves down is highly recommended, so i advise every one to begin practices which promote peace and harmony in your personal lives. social lives are meant to be lived in moderation, just like any thing else, and i resign to begin doing a better job of this.

  i just want to thank every one who took the time to read all of this post. this was hard to write from the perspective of not wanting to alarm anyone. however, i think it is basically obvious that sometimes i have a hard time doing the basic thing, which is to ask others if i may help them, instead of just jumping into someones life and looking like i'm trying to be a hero, which is never my intention. i want to remind every one to slow down ("idiot, slow down..." an actual line from The Tourist by Radiohead, playing on my itunes at this exact moment, no joke) in order for your life to become clearer to you. i implore you to relax, because if not you might end up finding yourself in a very uncomfortable place with no one to talk to. loneliness and solitude are not bad things, but feeling like you have no one to talk to is the absolute worst feeling.

  i have spent a lot of time crying this past week, in order to let go of a lot of pain that i am sensitive to,  and also because i needed it. if it is true that when we cry we cry alone, then it should follow that those of us who "get it" always end up laughing afterwards because we realize we are helping our hearts to heal. sometimes the best laugh is the one you share with your self. these are words which could not be more true of me, and so, again, i thank every one with whom i have shared laughter. they say that the hardest thing to do is to make someone laugh, so dont forget to put on your smiles every day when you wake up, because it is already a good day, regardless of what you might have to look forward to. make your self laugh, too, people. life is one big joke in the sense that if we take it too seriously we will end up dead sooner than later.

  i have asked many people much older than me for advice, and they always tell me the same thing: take life one day at a time, set your self some reasonable goals, and then go out and try to make your self happy by finding friends who support you, and hopefully a partner that will love you unconditionally. of course, the most important thing is to create a healthy sense of family, be it with friends or actual blood relatives, which i know can be hard. we grow up with so much familiarity that sometimes we just want them to leave us alone, but that's usually the opposite of what we need. interdependence basically means you can rely on others as much as they can rely on you, but you have to remember that it requires balance, so dont give too much of your self away to other people.

  okay, i'm rambling now, but i'm sure you're all enjoying it. i only mention it because i have to get started with my day. it's been an hour since i woke and it is now time to get some important things done. i wish you all luck today. it's good friday, and while i am not religious, i like the name. people usually like fridays, so yeah, i'm on board with the concept.

  peace, love, and elbow grease (to signify the basic effort required of each of us)...

edwin

back to joining the navy...

dear friends,

  for the past couple of years i've been steadily working on joining the US Navy. i started the process back in '08 when i was living in dunedin, florida, but things were too complicated because i had made some mistakes, so i waited until i moved back home to THE bay area (in the tampa bay area they refer to it as the bay area, hence the correction) in order to facilitate the process. i didnt help matters when i got myself in trouble with the law again and i forced my self to wait until i had regained my physical happiness.

  now that i'm back at my "boxing weight" i'm happy and healthy and today, with the help of my younger bro, eric, i went to a recruiters office in pleasant hill and we have officially resumed the process of joining the navy. i say we, because it would not have been possible without eric. he used to be a recruiter for the marines, so he helped me to stay calm as i gave the navy recruiters every piece of information they would need in order to decide if i was worth their time.

  they confirmed my suspicions of my eligibility and i am happy to report that in about a week i should be finding out how soon i can be enlisted and going to training. i am absolutely fantabulously excited about this opportunity, so please understand that i have taken the time to weigh out all of the necessary risks and dangers before considering this option. according to the military aptitude test, i qualify for a lot of exciting positions, but we'll see if they can satisfy my request for a specific job, which i believe i should be able to get cleared for.

  because of my age the process is not as easy for the most elite position (nuclear engineer) but i have confidence the navy will find a way to make my dream a reality of simply joining them in the best position available to me. now that the process is officially under way, all i have to do is wait.

  again, thanks to all of you who previously knew about this decision and continued to support me throughout the process. your advice and counsel are invaluable and i will continue to rely on you any time i am in need of assistance processing and organizing my thoughts.

  i also realize that the timing of this announcement might make it seem like a joke, but i assure everyone that every word i have written, today or otherwise, is rooted in fact and honesty.

  thanks for reading!

edwin

debunking a myth about fatherhood...

*clears throat*

  contrary to popular belief, a true man knows when there is a seed of his which has been fertilized inside of a woman. just like women know when they are pregnant, a man knows when she is pregnant because it is his digital copy which is being used to create said child.

  i mention this primarily in the interest of full disclosure; in order to discuss some of the things i have done in my life in hopes of entertaining my audience, which are you guys; ha ha ha.

  a couple of years ago i needed money and signed up for a sperm donation service where i had to agree to be willing to be known in order to receive said compensation. it was $100/donation and in the beginning i was making 2 donations a week (the allowed maximum), but then i found someone and became involved and it became harder (no pun intended) for me to meet their requirements. they liberated me from my quandary by telling me i could only donate once a week, and it ended up becoming a running joke with my partner at the time.

  you see, i was required to stay celibate for a minimum of 48hrs before any donations, and as any good lover knows, when you share a special connection with someone it is hard for you to keep your hands off of each other. my ex used to hate the 48hr window, but she learned that it didnt mean i had to stop satisfying her, just that she had to learn to take it like a proper woman. if i was suffering i made sure to channel my frustrations through her and i made sure she remained satisfied. as any good man knows, you never want to deny a woman in need, you simply have to find creative ways to satisfy her and let her take all of the credit.

  this is why she was the last woman i ever committed myself to, and why to this day i am waiting for the only woman i have ever wanted to be with to contact me. i have done my part in putting my information out there, both digital and analog, and now i must remain patient that she will believe in my ultimate message of love and positivity, enough to believe that all i am asking for is my proper place in her life, which she is free to decide for me.

  but, to know things and to now have them confirmed is my only stressor. just like i have previously shared that i didnt know about my special talents and abilities, i am now openly sharing this information willingly in hopes that every one can see the truth about me. an honest person hides no thing, but especially not the truth. as a member of the oldest profession in the world (philosopher) i am committed to reaching out to those i love in hopes of helping them to find their way back to my heart, where i keep all of the people whom i love the most.

  it  can be said  that i love people, but very few have ever been awarded a special place in my heart, so if you guys know her or have a means of contacting her, please reach out to her for me and tell her that my heart is breaking without her. yeah, this turned into a sentimental post in a progressive heartbeat, but that's why i have made sure to place the proper restrictions so that only interested parties who agreed to my simple rule of wanting to know could access these private thoughts.

  i thank any one in advance who helps me. if you have any questions concerning the interested party, i ask that you simply contact me directly at my email (coreas.edwin@gmail.com). it really can be that  simple to help someone in need. when someone reaches out to the community it is because they have assumedly taken all of the time necessary in order to make their request as explicitly clear as possible.

  this is not something i can solve on my own, so for now, i will go back to practicing meditation in order to reach out to her. thanks folks, for reading this...

edwin