* the subject line is a reference to the poem "dreams" by the great harlem renaissance writer langston hughes. it's one i heard when i was about 10 years old and it has stuck with me since.
no one tells you how difficult life is going to be. i mean, people try to explain things as thoroughly as possible to you, but the truth is we're all destined to figure most things out on our own, mostly through trial and error. life doesnt always allow for fortune cookie wisdom to be the first thing to pop into your head whenever you're encounterd with an outstanding circumstance. come to think of it, the ideas which usually pop into my head during such times only serve to make things more interesting, and that's okay in my book. i'd rather create a memory which will last for a while than to be paralyzed by fear.
* and i think that's in essence the name of the beast i've been wrestling with for some time. fear in the form of self doubt. i've been feeling so down and ashamed and embarassed and distraught and confused by everything that has happened for the past year that it finally brought me back to the low i was waiting to kick.
i had to take my medicine today, that's how bad i got. i was trying to voice my thoughts and was having the worst time trying to speak. can you believe this? i NEVER have a problem voicing my opinion or making my ideas known, but for what feels like the longest time i have been having exactly this problem. i'll begin to speak and think i have a point to make and i feel like i end up rambling. not good. i used to process my ideas so quickly and eloquently it made others jealous. well, not really, but i think you know what i mean. the ability to process information quickly is a sought after asset. people like quick thinkers, and the more accurate the better. everyone wants to test you to see if you're the real deal that when you are it makes you feel like magic.
and that's the feeling i feel has been missing from my life since the mysterious events of last year took place. i used to feel like i possessed magic in my words and that i was capable of getting into any interesting situation i could imagine. i used to go out and find random good times to fall into. i used to be social and the life of some parties. i used to drink with a purpose; not to get drunk, but to enjoy the experience. i used to be an entirely different person than who i would describe myself to be. i'm fully aware of this and the realization of it scares me.
who am i?
* there's the doubt again. fear permeating my soul. ugh, it makes me shudder to think that i could feel so impotent. i dont feel that way right now, but to know the feeling disgusts me, and i used to unclog toilets for a living. i'm not some person with a weak stomach.
i guess everyone, as they say, is going through it i just get everything magnified because of my condition. the highs and the lows are always overwhelming and i knew it when i woke up this morning. i just wasnt "feeling it". i didnt feel like me. i woke up sleepy headed and feeling disoriented so i laid back down until it passed, before i headed to the kitchen to begin my day. on days like this coffee always tastes amazing, i dont know why. i knew it hadnt fully hit me yet, so i attempted to have breakfast while having a conversation with my mother. i knew as soon as the food hit my lips my appetite wasnt there. this is going on its second week, so i told my mom and she called the local clinic. unfortunately, we have to be up early to wait until we can be seen with no guarantees of actually being seen. typical, as soon as i open my mouth about something which is worth taking care of i lose the energy and will to see it through.
then my emotions began to stir all funny and the doubt became overwhelming until i felt like i was fighting back tears and all i wanted to do was voice my frustration. how i wished i could have screamed in that moment. or cried to finally let it out. no, i couldnt allow myself to display such emotion, especially when i know that every sudden high and low is a cause for alarm to my family. why does everybody have to react to everything? why can't they just sit, listen, and be patient to hear me through? the thoughts going through my head are sometimes too difficult to comprehend, imagine how i feel trying to voice them into words. i dont wish this upon anyone, which only further inceases my doubt.
the voice in my head feels threatened, but why? i'm the only one talking, ha ha ha. i guess i speak so confidently sometimes i even scare my self.
no, i HAVE to believe that things will improve. i HAVE to continue to believe that i have a greater purpose to serve. i HAVE to defeat the proverbial demons inside my head. i HAVE to restore my belief in my self. i HAVE to get laid again sometime so that i can stop thinking about it. you know it's been since march? i've gone longer without it, but right now i feel as if i have to prove something to my self. there goes the doubt fucking with me again. it plays me one way only to throw me in the other direction. damn it, why can't i just think and act like a normal person? wait, normal doesnt exist, we're all uniquely weird and different, it's kind of refreshing and exciting. at least, that's the opinion i agree with the most.
* why do i feel like i just want to disappear? why do i imagine my self living in another place in another country when i know such dreams are not so realistic. "edwin, you have to have money to do anything in this world, havent we made that perfectly clear to you? if not, you've gotta possess some talent or ability which will convince others to help you push your agenda forward." but i dont think on those terms. i dont think about ways to survive, i see the difficulties and think of sensible ways to overcome them. at least, that's how i imagine my self. have i been going about this all the wrong way? have i been trying to see ahead of every turn when i should be focusing solely on the road in front of me? sometimes my thoughts aide me, sometimes they deceive me, but they're all mine, so they all get jumbled.
great, now the label of "damaged goods" is popping into my head. I DONT THINK ON THOSE TERMS, DAMN IT! STOP TRYING TO LABEL ME!!! "edwin, who are you yelling at, we're right here. we can hear you just fine." you know how i get, i'm passionate. i dont mean for things to get fucked up, they just do. everything i try to do just ends up fucked up, so i stopped trying. what would you have done? it's not as if i've ever really had a guide or mentor. i have always relied on my innate ability to figure things out. now, when things are at their darkest, life manages to catch up to me. everything seems fucked up. i dont seem like myself. troubles are beginning to pile up, and all i want is... is... um, damn it, what IS it that i want?!
i had the same problem answering a similar question my mom posed. she asked in spanish "what would make you happy right now?" and all i could do was shake my head. it happened at the worst possible time of the day. i was feeling overwhelmed with a frog in my throat and all i wanted to do was cry. ARGH! both extremes at once, how do i put that into words for you to understand, because i'm beginning to think you're not really paying attention.
damn it, i knew i shouldnt have gotten out of bed. "it would have happened eventually." yeah, you're right. you guys are ALWAYS right. even when you're wrong, you manage to convince me. wait, i'm talking to my self again, i'd better be careful. "dude, why do you always have to blow things out of proportion? you're like a child. every one is either consipiring against you or they just cant 'get' you. how many times are you going to have to relive the damned trauma?" as long as it takes. i know something happened, i'm convinced of this. that means somebody knows. "but you're never going to get any answers, edwin. let it go! learn to forget. think about something else you'd rather accomplish which would make you equally happy." see, i knew you guys would do that. great. even in my own head i can't comprehend my self. is this the root of the problem, or am i just being coy?
damn third person objectivity. i'm cursed and blessed all at once. why can't i just do something stupid enough to turn this whole thing around? "things dont work that way. very few people luck into things. most have to work hard at something to become someone who has things and can go places." honestly, i just want to travel and speak. i want to meet people and enjoy life's greater rewards which come in small packages. "you're thinking too large again. focus on the little details and improve upon them. you can't spend your time with your head in the clouds, it's unhealthy. you have to deal with the reality in front of you." i've tried, but you see, the facts haunt me. nobody can convince me that the cops dont know something. "yeah, if they do, they're never going to tell you. how many times do we have to go through this?" yeah, i guess that's true. i'll have to figure it out some other way. "you're better off letting it go." we all know that's never going to happen. if it's the death of me, so be it. at least then i could say i died trying to discover/fulfill my purpose. "you're being melodramatic now. hilarious. like a child, i tell you."
* at least i can say this: i might be getting a job soon. then again, i'm also excited to see what the state has to say about me receiving SSI benefits. really interested to see what they have to say. what the hell can i expect? i've gotta find a website or someone who knows about these things.
yeah, i called kevin, the night manager at the home depot in el cerrito, and he said he'll be doing some hiring for april and that i should finish my application online so he can call me on tuesday night. if not, i'm allowed to call him on wednesday night. nice! i'm so stoked. the prospect of having a paycheck again is very exciting. downright thought provoking, ha ha ha. makes me feel like i'm allowed to dream again. as long as there is some cash coming in i stand a chance. perhaps not much of one, but a chance nonetheless. isnt that what they say, that you have to be in it to win it? cliche's can be awesome.
"bed time, homie. sleep is not to be taken for granted. and dont forget to take your medication, we're not going to do it for you, but we'll do our best to remind you..."
edwin
no one tells you how difficult life is going to be. i mean, people try to explain things as thoroughly as possible to you, but the truth is we're all destined to figure most things out on our own, mostly through trial and error. life doesnt always allow for fortune cookie wisdom to be the first thing to pop into your head whenever you're encounterd with an outstanding circumstance. come to think of it, the ideas which usually pop into my head during such times only serve to make things more interesting, and that's okay in my book. i'd rather create a memory which will last for a while than to be paralyzed by fear.
* and i think that's in essence the name of the beast i've been wrestling with for some time. fear in the form of self doubt. i've been feeling so down and ashamed and embarassed and distraught and confused by everything that has happened for the past year that it finally brought me back to the low i was waiting to kick.
i had to take my medicine today, that's how bad i got. i was trying to voice my thoughts and was having the worst time trying to speak. can you believe this? i NEVER have a problem voicing my opinion or making my ideas known, but for what feels like the longest time i have been having exactly this problem. i'll begin to speak and think i have a point to make and i feel like i end up rambling. not good. i used to process my ideas so quickly and eloquently it made others jealous. well, not really, but i think you know what i mean. the ability to process information quickly is a sought after asset. people like quick thinkers, and the more accurate the better. everyone wants to test you to see if you're the real deal that when you are it makes you feel like magic.
and that's the feeling i feel has been missing from my life since the mysterious events of last year took place. i used to feel like i possessed magic in my words and that i was capable of getting into any interesting situation i could imagine. i used to go out and find random good times to fall into. i used to be social and the life of some parties. i used to drink with a purpose; not to get drunk, but to enjoy the experience. i used to be an entirely different person than who i would describe myself to be. i'm fully aware of this and the realization of it scares me.
who am i?
* there's the doubt again. fear permeating my soul. ugh, it makes me shudder to think that i could feel so impotent. i dont feel that way right now, but to know the feeling disgusts me, and i used to unclog toilets for a living. i'm not some person with a weak stomach.
i guess everyone, as they say, is going through it i just get everything magnified because of my condition. the highs and the lows are always overwhelming and i knew it when i woke up this morning. i just wasnt "feeling it". i didnt feel like me. i woke up sleepy headed and feeling disoriented so i laid back down until it passed, before i headed to the kitchen to begin my day. on days like this coffee always tastes amazing, i dont know why. i knew it hadnt fully hit me yet, so i attempted to have breakfast while having a conversation with my mother. i knew as soon as the food hit my lips my appetite wasnt there. this is going on its second week, so i told my mom and she called the local clinic. unfortunately, we have to be up early to wait until we can be seen with no guarantees of actually being seen. typical, as soon as i open my mouth about something which is worth taking care of i lose the energy and will to see it through.
then my emotions began to stir all funny and the doubt became overwhelming until i felt like i was fighting back tears and all i wanted to do was voice my frustration. how i wished i could have screamed in that moment. or cried to finally let it out. no, i couldnt allow myself to display such emotion, especially when i know that every sudden high and low is a cause for alarm to my family. why does everybody have to react to everything? why can't they just sit, listen, and be patient to hear me through? the thoughts going through my head are sometimes too difficult to comprehend, imagine how i feel trying to voice them into words. i dont wish this upon anyone, which only further inceases my doubt.
the voice in my head feels threatened, but why? i'm the only one talking, ha ha ha. i guess i speak so confidently sometimes i even scare my self.
no, i HAVE to believe that things will improve. i HAVE to continue to believe that i have a greater purpose to serve. i HAVE to defeat the proverbial demons inside my head. i HAVE to restore my belief in my self. i HAVE to get laid again sometime so that i can stop thinking about it. you know it's been since march? i've gone longer without it, but right now i feel as if i have to prove something to my self. there goes the doubt fucking with me again. it plays me one way only to throw me in the other direction. damn it, why can't i just think and act like a normal person? wait, normal doesnt exist, we're all uniquely weird and different, it's kind of refreshing and exciting. at least, that's the opinion i agree with the most.
* why do i feel like i just want to disappear? why do i imagine my self living in another place in another country when i know such dreams are not so realistic. "edwin, you have to have money to do anything in this world, havent we made that perfectly clear to you? if not, you've gotta possess some talent or ability which will convince others to help you push your agenda forward." but i dont think on those terms. i dont think about ways to survive, i see the difficulties and think of sensible ways to overcome them. at least, that's how i imagine my self. have i been going about this all the wrong way? have i been trying to see ahead of every turn when i should be focusing solely on the road in front of me? sometimes my thoughts aide me, sometimes they deceive me, but they're all mine, so they all get jumbled.
great, now the label of "damaged goods" is popping into my head. I DONT THINK ON THOSE TERMS, DAMN IT! STOP TRYING TO LABEL ME!!! "edwin, who are you yelling at, we're right here. we can hear you just fine." you know how i get, i'm passionate. i dont mean for things to get fucked up, they just do. everything i try to do just ends up fucked up, so i stopped trying. what would you have done? it's not as if i've ever really had a guide or mentor. i have always relied on my innate ability to figure things out. now, when things are at their darkest, life manages to catch up to me. everything seems fucked up. i dont seem like myself. troubles are beginning to pile up, and all i want is... is... um, damn it, what IS it that i want?!
i had the same problem answering a similar question my mom posed. she asked in spanish "what would make you happy right now?" and all i could do was shake my head. it happened at the worst possible time of the day. i was feeling overwhelmed with a frog in my throat and all i wanted to do was cry. ARGH! both extremes at once, how do i put that into words for you to understand, because i'm beginning to think you're not really paying attention.
damn it, i knew i shouldnt have gotten out of bed. "it would have happened eventually." yeah, you're right. you guys are ALWAYS right. even when you're wrong, you manage to convince me. wait, i'm talking to my self again, i'd better be careful. "dude, why do you always have to blow things out of proportion? you're like a child. every one is either consipiring against you or they just cant 'get' you. how many times are you going to have to relive the damned trauma?" as long as it takes. i know something happened, i'm convinced of this. that means somebody knows. "but you're never going to get any answers, edwin. let it go! learn to forget. think about something else you'd rather accomplish which would make you equally happy." see, i knew you guys would do that. great. even in my own head i can't comprehend my self. is this the root of the problem, or am i just being coy?
damn third person objectivity. i'm cursed and blessed all at once. why can't i just do something stupid enough to turn this whole thing around? "things dont work that way. very few people luck into things. most have to work hard at something to become someone who has things and can go places." honestly, i just want to travel and speak. i want to meet people and enjoy life's greater rewards which come in small packages. "you're thinking too large again. focus on the little details and improve upon them. you can't spend your time with your head in the clouds, it's unhealthy. you have to deal with the reality in front of you." i've tried, but you see, the facts haunt me. nobody can convince me that the cops dont know something. "yeah, if they do, they're never going to tell you. how many times do we have to go through this?" yeah, i guess that's true. i'll have to figure it out some other way. "you're better off letting it go." we all know that's never going to happen. if it's the death of me, so be it. at least then i could say i died trying to discover/fulfill my purpose. "you're being melodramatic now. hilarious. like a child, i tell you."
* at least i can say this: i might be getting a job soon. then again, i'm also excited to see what the state has to say about me receiving SSI benefits. really interested to see what they have to say. what the hell can i expect? i've gotta find a website or someone who knows about these things.
yeah, i called kevin, the night manager at the home depot in el cerrito, and he said he'll be doing some hiring for april and that i should finish my application online so he can call me on tuesday night. if not, i'm allowed to call him on wednesday night. nice! i'm so stoked. the prospect of having a paycheck again is very exciting. downright thought provoking, ha ha ha. makes me feel like i'm allowed to dream again. as long as there is some cash coming in i stand a chance. perhaps not much of one, but a chance nonetheless. isnt that what they say, that you have to be in it to win it? cliche's can be awesome.
"bed time, homie. sleep is not to be taken for granted. and dont forget to take your medication, we're not going to do it for you, but we'll do our best to remind you..."
edwin
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