* no matter how you try to explain it to me, life continually feels like a dream from which i'm endlessly "waking". this makes it very difficult for me to adjust to on a day-to-day basis because 1) i'm crazy 2) i know it 3) i refuse to do anything about it.
i've tried explaining it to others the only way i know how. "you see, if i'm 'conscious' then i'm 'aware', and if i'm 'aware' then i can 'know', and if i 'know' then i can 'be', but emptily 'being' is no way to 'be' at all..." i've started to ramble again, which means i've probably lost my audience, not that i'd know it. this will proceed to go on for another 3-5 minutes before i'll attempt to show that i care if my audience is still with me. i swear, the point i was trying to make was both valid and interesting, but i got distracted. just give me a second to gather my thoughts.
* the more i learn in life, the more i'm reassured by the inevitable truth: i know absolutely nothing. this conflicts with my desires to want to be someone in life. "no one whose opinion was ever worth anything would admit to knowing nothing!" socrates did. damn it, i beat my self at my own game. at least i can coherently recognize that a competition just took place, even if the only competitiors were my self and i. you mean, this paragraph makes sense to you thus far? clearly, i'm gaining in my abilities if i was able to make a clear connection with another living soul, even for one second.
people are so stuck in their own worlds and we're all such big polite cowards that we're too afraid to bother one another to have a real life conversation. at least, that's how i feel about it. i've got to voice the concerns of my inner curmudgeon. i have a feeling that "not letting 'him' speak" might be more detrimental to my mental health than i initially realized. maybe i have had a method to my madness all along. it sure seemed to be a mystery to me, too.
* everyone go, i'll stay here. somebody's got to remember for the rest of us, even if the night in question has already been forgotten. i swear, it was epic. no, really, it was epic in a way before the word "epic" became such a staple of the mainstream. kind of ironic, but i guess it's true what they say: eventually everything jumps the shark. i've never understood the meaning behind that phrase and i dont care to google it, either. i am purposely choosing to remain ignorant in order to give some clever wise guy/girl a chance to stupefy me later by explaining to me what "jumping the shark" means. yes, one person CAN be too clever for their own good.
give me credit for this: i give people opportunities. that's more than can be said for the majority of all of the truly depressed bastards with whom i co-habitate in this petty existence. there are no "star" players here, just regular working class folk and lunatics side-by-side, the way reagan would've wanted. they dont see a difference between the mentally unstable and the downright lazy. "crazy? lazy? it's all the same thing. neither wants to be a productive member of society." at least, with "normal" folk you can tell they care because they cry when insulted. with me, there's little i'm unwilling to believe. throw your nastiest slurs at me, i'm willing to believe i deserved them somehow. is that what they call "coping"?
* as a perennial procrastinator and general deadbeat, i was thinking that today might not be the best day for suicide. it seems like a lot of trouble to prove a point which would be more rewarding to prove while alive. like, the finite nature of life makes it both exciting AND depressing. killing oneself would be so anti-climactic if it wasnt already expected. oops, i meant that killing oneself seems like the logical thing. oh wait, what was the point i was trying to prove again?
life isnt fun once you take the time to analyze it. the prospect seems so exciting at first, until you start to ask questions and you realize the answers dont make any sense. "how come my entire life feels like i'm being given the short end of the stick?" stop asking questions, you're only going to distract from the greater purpose of turning you into a productive member of society. the only thing you'll end up accomplishing is turning yourself into the laughingstock of the town. "but that's kind of the point; i want people to laugh at me, even if at first they fail to see the greater point i'm trying to make". dont be silly, i think you fell asleep with your eyes open again. "you mean, i've been awake this whole time?" that's kind of what i've been trying to tell you...
* "okay, i think i'm beginning to get it." that's what you said last time, and the time before that. "are you sure i'm not a 'missing person'? i have a feeling that 'someone' might be looking for me". no, the only person looking for "you" is you. "so, who am i?" that's not funny. "no, really, if you are you say you are, who am i?" dude, we've been over this a thousand times. "humor me, please?" edwin, it was all in your head. you were having a manic episode. you were hallucinating. nadiya doesnt love you, remember. you spoke with her via email and she said she was moved by your romantic overture but she does not feel the same way. "so, who am i in love with and why does it still hurt so much?" stop. you're only going to confuse yourself even more. you have to find a way to get over this.
"i cant! i've tried! every time i try to move on i'm paralyzed. i've tried explaining it to every person i know, every doctor i've met, but they've all reached the same conclusion: i'm a stark raving lunatic." edwin, you need to calm down, you're aggravating your situation. "that's what i mean! everyone comes back to the diagnosis. i dont live and understand life by a diagnosis, i understand thoughts and actions. none of what i've experienced makes sense, so why am i here?!"
i think it's best if we give him some time. he seems to be upset. he's refusing to take his meds. "i forget about them, there's a difference. i'd take them if i felt i truly needed them. what i NEED is a job to provide for my self. maybe then all of these distractions wont seem so distracting. maybe then i'll be what you want me to be. maybe then you'll let me pursue my dreams." edwin, no one is holding you back. "sure, it may seem that way, but you dont know what i know: i dont stand a chance out there. without a support system, without someone to watch my back, i'm as good as dead in the water. there are people who have been waiting their whole lives for an opportunity and i'm supposed to prove by some miracle that i'm more deserving than they are? are you fucking kidding me?!"
* that's the thing they never tell you about dreaming: it can bring down your whole sense of reality. dreaming liberates your from the everyday struggles of ordinary life. it empowers you to believe beyond your wildest imaginations, which is supposed to empower you in real life, but i've found the opposite to be true. i find my self to be powerless in real life. the big bad powers that be continue to grow bigger and badder while the common man remains common. things continue to skew in favor of those who have and always will have.
the usual back doors to success seem either too dirty for me, or downright scandalous. "you know, when you think about it, it really isnt fair how you can just 'luck' into a circumstance. an attractive woman can easily dupe any shmuck with money into falling in love with her. an attractive man could do the same with his preferred sexual orientation. i've never found enough passion for the physical act of sex to literally whore my self. i think i'm realizing i'd make a terrible gigolo. at least, i can cross it off my list of potential professions." edwin, no one "decides" to become a gigolo. they usually become one out of circumstance. "why should they have all the fun?" you really think it's fun to pump yourself up to have sex with someone in whom you have no sexual interest? "at least you're having sex." i think your sense of reality is too warped, even for this existence. "but i know there are people who are crazier than me!" most people can at least feign a general interest in life, you're not even trying.
"i already told you! i'm 'conscious' and 'aware' and i'm trying to 'be' the best 'me' i can 'be'." we're trying to reason with you but you continue to throw things back in our face. "look, i'm trying, just be patient with me, please." how much more patient do you want us to be?
* i think i may have arrived ahead of schedule, because i managed to be labeled as "crazy" before my thirtieth birfday. i thought there were benefits i could sign up for. wasnt someone supposed to jump out of a cake for me? oh, you only get the cake if you're over 65. i get it. it's kind of an ironic way to die, you know, having someone jump out of a cake on your birfday. this is why i usually say i hate surprises. i find most surprises to be disappointing. that's because my imagination runs wild. if you even mention the word "surprise" i'm willing to believe you're going to announce you're up for an academy award for penning a movie that is loosely based on my life and you want me to join you at the awards show.
some of that helps to explain a lot of the confusion i experienced last year, but it doesnt quite add up at all. for instance...
stop it! we're not warning you again. leave it be. "so, who was i following and how come they chose to place me on 5150?" great, the questions again. now we'll never hear the end of it. "i'm just saying. take the time to look at things from my perspective. why would..."
i think we'd be better off if we gave him a padded room and a computer on which to write his thoughts. "isnt that essentially what i'm doing right now?" yes, but you still have access to others. people could become infected with your thoughts and ideas. this could really get out of control. "i thought that's what you guys wanted from me? i thought you wanted me to do something with my life?" well, we were hoping you'd make a little more sense, you know? as in, stop scaring potential readers away with your scary talk about chasing spirits and channeling energy. "but it's all i know" i thought you said you didnt know anything? "you know what i mean, stop being coy." fine, but you stop sounding crazy, whatever that means.
* great, so now if i speak i'm crazy and if i dont speak it's downright crazy? which do you want me to be? i cant do both and trying to figure out which is better is only causing me more anxiety, none of which i know how to deal with. "maybe, if you'd take your medication your thoughts wouldnt feel like they were racing so much?" everyone's a fucking doctor now. "but you're in a hospital. a mental hospital at that." can't you see i'm fully aware of that?! "you're talking to yourself again." so, whose voice am i listening to right now? damn it, foiled again.
edwin
i've tried explaining it to others the only way i know how. "you see, if i'm 'conscious' then i'm 'aware', and if i'm 'aware' then i can 'know', and if i 'know' then i can 'be', but emptily 'being' is no way to 'be' at all..." i've started to ramble again, which means i've probably lost my audience, not that i'd know it. this will proceed to go on for another 3-5 minutes before i'll attempt to show that i care if my audience is still with me. i swear, the point i was trying to make was both valid and interesting, but i got distracted. just give me a second to gather my thoughts.
* the more i learn in life, the more i'm reassured by the inevitable truth: i know absolutely nothing. this conflicts with my desires to want to be someone in life. "no one whose opinion was ever worth anything would admit to knowing nothing!" socrates did. damn it, i beat my self at my own game. at least i can coherently recognize that a competition just took place, even if the only competitiors were my self and i. you mean, this paragraph makes sense to you thus far? clearly, i'm gaining in my abilities if i was able to make a clear connection with another living soul, even for one second.
people are so stuck in their own worlds and we're all such big polite cowards that we're too afraid to bother one another to have a real life conversation. at least, that's how i feel about it. i've got to voice the concerns of my inner curmudgeon. i have a feeling that "not letting 'him' speak" might be more detrimental to my mental health than i initially realized. maybe i have had a method to my madness all along. it sure seemed to be a mystery to me, too.
* everyone go, i'll stay here. somebody's got to remember for the rest of us, even if the night in question has already been forgotten. i swear, it was epic. no, really, it was epic in a way before the word "epic" became such a staple of the mainstream. kind of ironic, but i guess it's true what they say: eventually everything jumps the shark. i've never understood the meaning behind that phrase and i dont care to google it, either. i am purposely choosing to remain ignorant in order to give some clever wise guy/girl a chance to stupefy me later by explaining to me what "jumping the shark" means. yes, one person CAN be too clever for their own good.
give me credit for this: i give people opportunities. that's more than can be said for the majority of all of the truly depressed bastards with whom i co-habitate in this petty existence. there are no "star" players here, just regular working class folk and lunatics side-by-side, the way reagan would've wanted. they dont see a difference between the mentally unstable and the downright lazy. "crazy? lazy? it's all the same thing. neither wants to be a productive member of society." at least, with "normal" folk you can tell they care because they cry when insulted. with me, there's little i'm unwilling to believe. throw your nastiest slurs at me, i'm willing to believe i deserved them somehow. is that what they call "coping"?
* as a perennial procrastinator and general deadbeat, i was thinking that today might not be the best day for suicide. it seems like a lot of trouble to prove a point which would be more rewarding to prove while alive. like, the finite nature of life makes it both exciting AND depressing. killing oneself would be so anti-climactic if it wasnt already expected. oops, i meant that killing oneself seems like the logical thing. oh wait, what was the point i was trying to prove again?
life isnt fun once you take the time to analyze it. the prospect seems so exciting at first, until you start to ask questions and you realize the answers dont make any sense. "how come my entire life feels like i'm being given the short end of the stick?" stop asking questions, you're only going to distract from the greater purpose of turning you into a productive member of society. the only thing you'll end up accomplishing is turning yourself into the laughingstock of the town. "but that's kind of the point; i want people to laugh at me, even if at first they fail to see the greater point i'm trying to make". dont be silly, i think you fell asleep with your eyes open again. "you mean, i've been awake this whole time?" that's kind of what i've been trying to tell you...
* "okay, i think i'm beginning to get it." that's what you said last time, and the time before that. "are you sure i'm not a 'missing person'? i have a feeling that 'someone' might be looking for me". no, the only person looking for "you" is you. "so, who am i?" that's not funny. "no, really, if you are you say you are, who am i?" dude, we've been over this a thousand times. "humor me, please?" edwin, it was all in your head. you were having a manic episode. you were hallucinating. nadiya doesnt love you, remember. you spoke with her via email and she said she was moved by your romantic overture but she does not feel the same way. "so, who am i in love with and why does it still hurt so much?" stop. you're only going to confuse yourself even more. you have to find a way to get over this.
"i cant! i've tried! every time i try to move on i'm paralyzed. i've tried explaining it to every person i know, every doctor i've met, but they've all reached the same conclusion: i'm a stark raving lunatic." edwin, you need to calm down, you're aggravating your situation. "that's what i mean! everyone comes back to the diagnosis. i dont live and understand life by a diagnosis, i understand thoughts and actions. none of what i've experienced makes sense, so why am i here?!"
i think it's best if we give him some time. he seems to be upset. he's refusing to take his meds. "i forget about them, there's a difference. i'd take them if i felt i truly needed them. what i NEED is a job to provide for my self. maybe then all of these distractions wont seem so distracting. maybe then i'll be what you want me to be. maybe then you'll let me pursue my dreams." edwin, no one is holding you back. "sure, it may seem that way, but you dont know what i know: i dont stand a chance out there. without a support system, without someone to watch my back, i'm as good as dead in the water. there are people who have been waiting their whole lives for an opportunity and i'm supposed to prove by some miracle that i'm more deserving than they are? are you fucking kidding me?!"
* that's the thing they never tell you about dreaming: it can bring down your whole sense of reality. dreaming liberates your from the everyday struggles of ordinary life. it empowers you to believe beyond your wildest imaginations, which is supposed to empower you in real life, but i've found the opposite to be true. i find my self to be powerless in real life. the big bad powers that be continue to grow bigger and badder while the common man remains common. things continue to skew in favor of those who have and always will have.
the usual back doors to success seem either too dirty for me, or downright scandalous. "you know, when you think about it, it really isnt fair how you can just 'luck' into a circumstance. an attractive woman can easily dupe any shmuck with money into falling in love with her. an attractive man could do the same with his preferred sexual orientation. i've never found enough passion for the physical act of sex to literally whore my self. i think i'm realizing i'd make a terrible gigolo. at least, i can cross it off my list of potential professions." edwin, no one "decides" to become a gigolo. they usually become one out of circumstance. "why should they have all the fun?" you really think it's fun to pump yourself up to have sex with someone in whom you have no sexual interest? "at least you're having sex." i think your sense of reality is too warped, even for this existence. "but i know there are people who are crazier than me!" most people can at least feign a general interest in life, you're not even trying.
"i already told you! i'm 'conscious' and 'aware' and i'm trying to 'be' the best 'me' i can 'be'." we're trying to reason with you but you continue to throw things back in our face. "look, i'm trying, just be patient with me, please." how much more patient do you want us to be?
* i think i may have arrived ahead of schedule, because i managed to be labeled as "crazy" before my thirtieth birfday. i thought there were benefits i could sign up for. wasnt someone supposed to jump out of a cake for me? oh, you only get the cake if you're over 65. i get it. it's kind of an ironic way to die, you know, having someone jump out of a cake on your birfday. this is why i usually say i hate surprises. i find most surprises to be disappointing. that's because my imagination runs wild. if you even mention the word "surprise" i'm willing to believe you're going to announce you're up for an academy award for penning a movie that is loosely based on my life and you want me to join you at the awards show.
some of that helps to explain a lot of the confusion i experienced last year, but it doesnt quite add up at all. for instance...
stop it! we're not warning you again. leave it be. "so, who was i following and how come they chose to place me on 5150?" great, the questions again. now we'll never hear the end of it. "i'm just saying. take the time to look at things from my perspective. why would..."
i think we'd be better off if we gave him a padded room and a computer on which to write his thoughts. "isnt that essentially what i'm doing right now?" yes, but you still have access to others. people could become infected with your thoughts and ideas. this could really get out of control. "i thought that's what you guys wanted from me? i thought you wanted me to do something with my life?" well, we were hoping you'd make a little more sense, you know? as in, stop scaring potential readers away with your scary talk about chasing spirits and channeling energy. "but it's all i know" i thought you said you didnt know anything? "you know what i mean, stop being coy." fine, but you stop sounding crazy, whatever that means.
* great, so now if i speak i'm crazy and if i dont speak it's downright crazy? which do you want me to be? i cant do both and trying to figure out which is better is only causing me more anxiety, none of which i know how to deal with. "maybe, if you'd take your medication your thoughts wouldnt feel like they were racing so much?" everyone's a fucking doctor now. "but you're in a hospital. a mental hospital at that." can't you see i'm fully aware of that?! "you're talking to yourself again." so, whose voice am i listening to right now? damn it, foiled again.
edwin
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