okay! now that i have your attention...
* i'm not dead. that rumor you heard was a metaphor an ex once used to describe how she felt about our break-up. needless to say, it was all hogwash. i managed to eat through the steel chains to free myself. "give us us free!"
* i'm doing MUUUCH better, my friends. after spending what amounts to a year trapped inside of my own head, i've come, i think, full circle back to where it all began. my mental health is something i've discussed, but havent always given updates on. it wasnt until two saturdays ago, Feb 26th, 2011, that i began to TRULY feel like my old self.
there was this "sense of awakening", as is the only way that i can describe it. i "woke up" from this crazy dream i thought i was having and life began to feel both confusing and perfect at the same time. that's how i knew i had "arrived". people have often given me perplexed looks when they've listened to me talk about the truly confusing events which occurred last year. everything from driving SUPER fast and getting "tunnel vision" and somehow ending up in mountain view with a blown out tire, to believing i was somehow channeling the spirit of scarlett johansson (seriously, i'm not kidding, and even i cant explain this thought) is just one crazy story after another. sure, i've always been eccentric and quirky, and i've always had a certain panache, especially with the ladies (in the sense that they enjoy and are entertained by my being who i am), but the developments which occurred in the first quarter of last year went far beyond even my wildest imaginations.
and maybe that's the point: it was all "an episode". you'd have a slightly more easier task of convincing me to give up medical marijuana. in other words, it aint gonna happen. i stand by what i believe and i dont care how "crazy" it makes me seem to others. i lived through something only i can ever explain, and the initial thought obviously scared me. now that i'm beginning to feel like my "old" self, it's time to take up my old goals to improve my self. i've gotta get back to working out, eating right, and generally spreading joy wherever i go.
thoughts and ideas continue to swim inside my head, it's just a matter of finding a way to organize them so that i may coherently share them with others. i've always believed that i possessed "certain" abilities and talents, but now i'm at the point in my life where i must put-up or shut-up. i know that it's simply up to me to be the creative force that i've always imagined myself to be.
as they say, there is a time for everything. in my young 27 years of life, i have come to realize that it is definitely time to fight for what i believe in. this will require that i improve upon skills which i havent sharpened in some time, but i'm okay with this. it's simply the idea of having a gameplan which works for me. i've always been a "thinker" now i must be a "doer" as well. while this may not seem like much of a revelation to any working class individual who has overcome many of the obstacles i plan to encounter, it is the mere fact that i can even utter the words to "MOVE ON" from my past traumatic experiences that motivates me. depression almost ended me, but i managed to overcome it by reminding myself that i was "going through it". i held on to my belief that things would be better on the other side, even if i had no idea what that meant. now that i'm here, i think it means that i get to do and say as i see fit, so long as i can stand behind my thoughts and actions and am willing to work hard to earn recognition for said thoughts and actions.
i could go on, but i think i've made my point. thanks for reading!!!
edwin
* i'm not dead. that rumor you heard was a metaphor an ex once used to describe how she felt about our break-up. needless to say, it was all hogwash. i managed to eat through the steel chains to free myself. "give us us free!"
* i'm doing MUUUCH better, my friends. after spending what amounts to a year trapped inside of my own head, i've come, i think, full circle back to where it all began. my mental health is something i've discussed, but havent always given updates on. it wasnt until two saturdays ago, Feb 26th, 2011, that i began to TRULY feel like my old self.
there was this "sense of awakening", as is the only way that i can describe it. i "woke up" from this crazy dream i thought i was having and life began to feel both confusing and perfect at the same time. that's how i knew i had "arrived". people have often given me perplexed looks when they've listened to me talk about the truly confusing events which occurred last year. everything from driving SUPER fast and getting "tunnel vision" and somehow ending up in mountain view with a blown out tire, to believing i was somehow channeling the spirit of scarlett johansson (seriously, i'm not kidding, and even i cant explain this thought) is just one crazy story after another. sure, i've always been eccentric and quirky, and i've always had a certain panache, especially with the ladies (in the sense that they enjoy and are entertained by my being who i am), but the developments which occurred in the first quarter of last year went far beyond even my wildest imaginations.
and maybe that's the point: it was all "an episode". you'd have a slightly more easier task of convincing me to give up medical marijuana. in other words, it aint gonna happen. i stand by what i believe and i dont care how "crazy" it makes me seem to others. i lived through something only i can ever explain, and the initial thought obviously scared me. now that i'm beginning to feel like my "old" self, it's time to take up my old goals to improve my self. i've gotta get back to working out, eating right, and generally spreading joy wherever i go.
thoughts and ideas continue to swim inside my head, it's just a matter of finding a way to organize them so that i may coherently share them with others. i've always believed that i possessed "certain" abilities and talents, but now i'm at the point in my life where i must put-up or shut-up. i know that it's simply up to me to be the creative force that i've always imagined myself to be.
as they say, there is a time for everything. in my young 27 years of life, i have come to realize that it is definitely time to fight for what i believe in. this will require that i improve upon skills which i havent sharpened in some time, but i'm okay with this. it's simply the idea of having a gameplan which works for me. i've always been a "thinker" now i must be a "doer" as well. while this may not seem like much of a revelation to any working class individual who has overcome many of the obstacles i plan to encounter, it is the mere fact that i can even utter the words to "MOVE ON" from my past traumatic experiences that motivates me. depression almost ended me, but i managed to overcome it by reminding myself that i was "going through it". i held on to my belief that things would be better on the other side, even if i had no idea what that meant. now that i'm here, i think it means that i get to do and say as i see fit, so long as i can stand behind my thoughts and actions and am willing to work hard to earn recognition for said thoughts and actions.
i could go on, but i think i've made my point. thanks for reading!!!
edwin
Its always good to have a sense of awakening that detours us back on to our dreams and the path that allows us to make them possible!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling positive and confident, not that you ever lacked that lol but it does shine through :) Its never too late to be what you once wanted to be and accomplish all you want to complete and acquire!! I know you will be successful in anything you put your mind and heart and soul to and wish you happiness!!!!
Love, Your cousin who loves you very much!!! (yeah that was redundant lol)
dearest prima,
ReplyDeletethank you for your undying support. sometimes, we simply need to hear some encouragement in order to keep going. we get used to hearing ourselves say things will be alright, but we tend to lose track of our voice.
that's what happened to me, i lost track of myself. it hasnt been easy, but i'm managing to get part of myself back, and with every passing day i feel stronger and more capable of creating my dreams into reality.
i accept that life isnt easy, but i had to go through a dark and difficult time to comprehend that fully. i'm thankful for the experience, because it has taught me that i should ALWAYS be honest and up-front about everything. those who choose to judge me know now of my experiences, so i thank them for revealing themselves to be unsupportive of me.
i hope you're doing well, prima. i miss you. i hope you and the fam are doing well. we're doing as best as we possibly can on our side of the continent...
edwin