loving lethargic days...

*sigh*

  gotta love the fact i am no longer in the hospital, but the wait leading up to my scheduled appointments tomorrow with my therapist (11am) and psychiatrist (2pm) has not been an easy one. anxiety plagues me because it's normal for one to feel it when there's a build-up brewing. it's not for nothing that i'm looking forward to tomorrow's meetings. i can potentially begin plans to move out of my parents house depending on how tomorrow's meetings go. i know they want to help me to get some government assistance at the moment, and a friend told me i can possibly sign-up for a housing voucher, which will help me to move back out on my own.

  we'll just have to remain patient, i suppose, but it hasnt been easy and i dont expect it to be, either. i almost sound ungrateful complaining, but maybe i'm just learning to cope with my situation a little better. after all, what am i supposed to be able to expect in my present situation? i shouldnt set my expectations too high, is all i know to expect.

  *growl*

  i thought writing might provide me with some sense of accomplishment but i'm too scatterbrained at the moment to appreciate my writing. it's super frustrating to have such a brain, but in today's case, i did it to myself. *sigh* a little tired. ha ha ha.

  damn this, i'm going to cut this short and basically sign off by saying i'm a self-absorbed moron at the moment. that's just me being hard on my self, but i mean that i wouldnt be in my present situation if i'd only practiced being more responsible with my free time. now i have to fix everything the hard way.

  hey, at least i'm happy to report that my car has license plates again, and i'm just waiting for my driver's license to arrive in the mail. i'm supposed to be able to expect some good news tomorrow with regards to money, so perhaps it wont be too long before my cell phone gets back on, and i can finally afford some insurance to get my whip (car) back on the road. it's just super frustrating that i feel like these are things my family could be helping me with at the moment, but they simply refuse to be of any assistance. *shakes head* again, it's frustrating to write about without feeling like i'll be perceived as ungrateful, but believe me that it is for a reason that i do not expound on the subject.

  i long for the days when i'll be happier, when i'll hopefully be preparing for a night out on the town attempting to do stand-up while mingling with other fellow comics. oh wait, i have that opportunity this friday but do not have a means of transportation to go into The City. foiled again by my own negligence. i'll have to explain to my friends that i cant make it even though i really want to be there. i know they'll understand.

  in any case, i think this post is long enough, has discussed very little, and will probably go down as another simple update for others to (briefly) enjoy. no excitement today, folks. just a day spent half-baked and tired, trying to make the hours go by while catching up on programs i'd recorded. then napped for what seemed like the better part of my day.

  this whole ESP/psychic thing is taking a toll on me, too. i just wish i had more concrete answers, but i have to pursue every thing with a blind eye guiding me, which makes the entire endeavor super annoying. what am i possibly overlooing? why does it feel like my entire existence hangs in the balance? and how come my family treats me the way they do? AAAAAAAARGH!!!

  some days it pays to feel like charlie brown ("good grief"). thank you, charles schultz, for such a timeless strip, known simply as "Peanuts". i think it's good to end on this note, giving credit to a great creator who happened to originate in the san francisco bay area. i dream of living with such a greater purpose, but i'll settle for a humble beginning as a pot-grower for the federal government.



  i watched this highly informative film called "The Union: The Business Behind Getting High" and it really helped me to understand a lot of things about marijuana on which i was ignorant. basically, hemp and marijuana should be legal and people should get better information as to their respective differences and why hemp is probably the most important crop any farmer could grow. in these troubling times with the question of bio-fuels and the profits from big pharmaceutical companies, it is important to ask the hard-hitting questions about why money circulates the way it does in this country.

  it's not for nothing that i am somewhat enjoying my break from being a productive member of the task force. why should i bother my self with looking for an unsatisfactory 9-5 when i can get paid to grow weed for the government? the answer is not as mind-boggling as you would think. in fact, the truth is that it pays, and i learned that in life you must always do with your time what makes the most dollars and sense. sure i'll gladly work a job while i get my self back on my feet, but let's not forget the overall goal of happiness in this equation.

  i'm pretty happy smoking pot and being an advocate for it, but i'd be happeist pursuing my dream of being a stand-up comic. this is going to require time, patience, and effort which i possess, but which i'm presently without assistance in channeling. oh wait, i should stop talking about all of this because i think i'm repeating my self again. nevermind.

  i think i'll tuck in early tonight. tomorrow contains enough excitement to inspire me to awaken early. it should be fun asking questions and getting answers, especially since i have so many questions. oh well, i guess time is my friend after all...

edwin

who is roberto carlos?

the above video is called "Cama y Mesa" by Roberto Carlos, who is a brazilian singer who does many songs in spanish. he is one of my personal favorites because his voice is smooth and because his lyrics sound so genuine, too. he's been around forever, which means he is an acquired taste for young folk like my self. many latin parents dont raise their children on music like this anymore, but it can't be said that people have forgotten about what love is all about.

my mom and i were having lunch and she told me she has a friend who can probably try to get us tickets for the upcoming concert of roberto carlos. so, in honor of that potential date i've decided to blog about him and put up some of my favorite songs courtesy of youtube.



the above video is called "La Carcachita" in which Roberto Carlos sings about wanting to repair his cadillac but how he ends up falling in love with a lesser car because his boss loaned it to him. it's a sweet song, because it has always been true that if a man had a car he was usually half-way home to a good time, especially with regards to women. well, brazil in the 70's which is when mr carlos really became big was no different. in fact, people kind of take cars for granted nowadays, i'd say, but this song is just so sweet.



this song is called "Un Millon de Amigos" which is a song about having many friends in order to feel stronger in this world. it's definitely a song which holds a special meaning to me because friendship is a big deal with me and also because i'm going through a tough time right now. it's not every day that one is truly forced to deal with grown up shit, and right now it feels good to know that i have friends who read my blog and who will probably enjoy the music i am posting for you all to enjoy.



and finally, the above song is called "Amigo" which is probably my most favorite of all of Roberto Carlos' songs, because he is tackling the issue of friendship head on and thanking his "best friend". it's a song which brings me to tears because i am without being able to communicate with my "best friends" right now, most of whom know who they are. not to get too whiny and tearful, but not having a phone to call a friend seriously sucks, and it's awful that i have to learn this lesson the absolute hard way, but hey, those who know me would tell you i honestly wouldnt have it any other way.

i hope you guys enjoyed a sample of this brilliant artists music. he certainly has many more songs which i enjoy, but these were the ones i thought i'd share with you guys today.

edwin

a risky love story at best about two ex-lovers from college...

above is the trailer for 1983's "Risky Business" starring a young tom cruise and rebecca de mornay. not going to ruin the movie beyond saying that i was looking into the past this afternoon and decided i'd watch this film online via netflix. again, the service was worthwhile. the movie shone beyond expectations, including the fact that i kept thinking the script was stupid for the way it bobbed and weaved, but i have to admit it was worth it.

there are some very hot and steamy scenes to the movie, hence much of the hype, and i believe this is more of a soft core porn (to ruin nothing else about the movie) disguised as a coming-of-age flick from the 80's. i never realized just how much of a 70's influence was still around in 1983, especially with regards to the passion-filled scenes on display in the film. i certainly enjoyed the premise of the film and i eventually came around to loving the film by the time tom cruise starts playing rebecca de mornay's game against her in the end scenes.




also caught the 1970's blockbuster "love story" with ali macgraw and ryan o'neal. another film with a difficult script which i found a little hard to enjoy at first, but ms macgraw turned me into a believer during the line when she memorably says "love means never having to say you're sorry". it's a breathtaking moment in a gut-wrenchig film about young college lovers. i wont spoil anything beyond saying that i liked ms macgraw's tough "dont bullshit me" attitude and i hope to someday find my self a woman who can match the attitude and spunk of ms macgraw's character. oh wait, she already exists and her name is nadiya kravets, how i could i forget.

ha ha ha.


obviously i am in much better spirits, especially after a medicated afternoon spent eating food and watching baseball. i got some rest this afternoon, but because i want to make a trip to The City tomorrow i have to go to sleep early in order to make that happen. i had taken a nap not long before being awakened by my mother, but i'm also tired enough to go straight back to bed after this blog.

update on nadiya: since i'm a confirmed lunatic i'll explain that i've had contact with nadiya, so there is no longer an APB out on her. also, she's agreed to meet me in The City for lunch the next time she's in town, so that should help to clear up some of this "scarlett johansson" business. she's still a joke, to me at least, because she kept asking me through psychic means to come by nadiya's place and then wouldnt open the door. i know which building they live in, but alas, it was never to be.

my online friend, selma, has been giving me help throughout much of this ordeal and some other friends, like suki, have supported me as well, by providing support and acting as pillars for me to lean on. i'm definitely still reeling from having to go into the hospital for so many times when i believed i was going to see nadiya again. i guess the simple route would've been to ask for an invitation outright versus dropping by uninvited, or extending one out to her in order for her to drop in whenever she was "in town".

you know, such things often slip my mind when i'm manic, and that's pretty much a set way of life for me, since i've been diagnosed with bi-polar. in either case, it does not matter. i have touched base with my beloved nadiya and perhaps soon we can find a happy ending to this mysterious episode to my life. lord knows i deserve it.

edwin

smoke so fine you'd swear it was air...

*clears throat*

  your attention, reader. lately, things have been what we would call a little drab, but with the help of my trusty laptop (macbook pro 13"), a wi-fi internet connection courtesy of my lil brother, Eric, and my ridiculously insane brain, plus plenty of time spent in the hospital on 5150 (dont ask me why, it's pointless; scarlett johansson's a joke if you ask me) and 5250, i think i may have managed to find a better purpose for my life.

  it all starts with writing. i love to write, which in turn leads me to love conversations i have with others. language is simple to me, and the symbols and gestures intended in convention with social behavior allow for my truest form to shine, which is that of a comic. however, because i presently find my self in absolutely less than desireable circumstances i'm comfortably miserable. i have the benefit of food and shelter provided by my family, but it comes at the cost of my personal liberty to roam. this is in essence the same arrangement i had in the hospital, only there i was racking up a bill which is to be covered by medi-cal. at least in the hospital i was afforded a simple friend, in this case her name was rebekah, who made me believe that every thing i was going through was for a reason. here at home i have an online friend, named selma, who attempts to help me, but whose assurances are now less credible after yesterday's events.

  to recap: i've been on a wild goose hunt searching for my friend nadiya kravets whom i believe is friends with scarlett johansson. the reason i know this is because i was smoking pot one night and was tapping into my emotions and stumbled upon a psychic network i did not know i could access. i came upon the whole thing because i was trying to prove einstein's theory of relativity, and i now believe that i have accomplished exactly that. i think the proof is in one's lack of observance of time, which in turn makes EVERY THING relative to one.

  in continued testing of einstein's theory i have inevitably wound up in the hospital every single time, having what would appear to be hallucinations, but which in reality are MY version of reality. as i've stated before, i have only ONE confirmed existence, and that is my own, so i constantly wonder why  supernatural powers (for lack of a better term) continue to lead me back to a certain address in san francisco. i distinctly remember that when i was in college the first time at san francisco state university, where i met nadiya, i dropped her off at said address and that's when i believe she put a love spell on me. if such things even exist are beyond me, because i will now use more of my efforts to resist said desire to return to the aforementioned address.

  i told my online friend selma, who assured me that if i returned they would open the door for me, that if they did not it was going to be my final effort. one simply has to draw the line somewhere. and with the exceptional lack of actual conversation between my self and nadiya, i think it would be healthiest if i simply let the issue go.

  could it be said that love possessed me some months ago to begin searching for her? but i never stopped loving her, ever since the moment i met her, and even now, it pains me to have to admit to my self that all of this has been in vain. scarlett johansson? how could i have been so stupid as to believe my own delusions? yes, i firmly believe that i ran into her outside of the dastardly address, because i saw her with my eyes, but the rest of the tale is as french, greek, or chinese to me as you would make sense of it. maybe it's russian? maybe it's "en español" but it certainly isnt written in a language i can understand. it certainly isnt being written by me, because i would never play such a foolish joke on my self

  i'm basically at the point where i'm biding my time. i made a final deal with my parents yesterday that if they allowed me to return to the goddamned address one last time, if/when i made it back i had to promise to drop the issue altogether. in exchange, i'm signing up for a residential center where i'll be able to begin trying to live a "normal" life. i'm miserable living at home where i feel like a caged animal whose civil liberties are left at the whim of people who truly have no idea what i'm all about.

  i'm a simple person. i live, i love, and i laugh. in between i try and put things together in my life which will lead to an overall run of success in order to create a comfortable future for my present; but my whole life i've felt burdened with the responsibility of family. to say this is to state the obvious, or so i am told, but i feel my burden is compounded by the unrealistic expectations which have been placed on me by my parents because we are immigrants. people hear stories of a magical country where you can become rich overnight and they buy it. the sad part is they believe in it so much they are blinded by the difficulties their children are going to have to encounter, especially with regards to the level of difficulty by which the parents attain their definition of success.

  my family has accomplished little in this country beyond establishing a small house cleaning business, but they have poured almost all of their finances into investments which have not paid dividends, and because they are ignorant (believe me, this is the appropriate word) that their CHILDREN are the greatest thing they could invest in, i end up being looked at like i have to make lemonade, but they refuse to even give me the lemons. it's not easy, my lot in life, and at the expense of sounding ungrateful, let me tell you: my life isnt as sweet as you would think, i just deal with it much better than most people, which earned me the title of "bi-polar". all of it means that i get refused to do the one thing which helps me to be social, active, artistic, and most importantly, happy, which is to smoke weed.

  yup, i said it, weed makes me happy. without it i'm not necessarily miserable, but the company sure could be better. it's a funny thing about drugs: you realize you're inevitably going to prescribed one or the other, so if you're a curios kid like me, you seek out your drug of choice and then find a way for someone to legally prescribe it to you, only along the way you learn that EVERY drug, except weed, was originally created by the pharmaceutical companies, or were controlled by them in order to maximize profits. and now they're finally getting back to the way things used to be, when people used to be able to smoke freely. take a moment to search for reasons why marijuana is illegal and you'll find the same logical conclusion: to punish the mexicans.

  the government has been trying to find a most profitable way to tax marijuana and it seems it might finally have come to realize that there isnt one. people can grow indoors privately and the government couldnt tax them. however, if they started to convince federally subsidized crop growers to start farming it they would be on to something, because marijuana is already the 3rd most popular recreational drug behind alcohol and tobacco. you dont think this country could use the money respectable stoners could provide it.

  for the record: the stereotype of a stoner needs to be redefined. i aim to do this when i FINALLY start doing stand up. consider it one of the top things on the agenda, because quite frankly this is all making me sick.

  anyway, pot makes people happy, and a dirty little secret about the medical profession is that every part of your health is related to your stress. the only reason people even go to the doctor is because we have been raised to believe they are the most important element of society. this is all a scam, people. insurance companies and the like are all running a game. the bankers control all of the money in this world and they decide how much any of it is worth.

  so to summarize einstein's theory of relativity according to me, edwin coreas, stop trying and the world will either begin to open doors for you, or someone will help you to get to that door. or in short, read "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and pretend, do pretend that you are alice who falls asleep and is awakened by the white rabbit. make sense of the whole thing but remember that when you're done reading it your life will make a little more sense to you.

  the way i read it: i'm alice, the white rabbit is time and i'm slowly following his ass to the party with the mad hatter, but on the way i'm going to make sure to find a hookah smoking caterpillar (not in the original text, but in the 1951 film version) to invite as well. or maybe i'll just chill with the fucking caterpillar. hookah is fucking awesome, people, for those who have never smoked it. smoke so fine you'd swear it was air. i think i just made a tag line, i'd better write it down or remember it, or something, or maybe i could make it my subject line and it'll repeat itself, like in the matrix. ha ha ha.

  watch. the original subject line as i was writing this was "the interweb saves lives..." but then i changed it to "smoke so fine you'd swear it was air..." and i made a thought occur in your brain: i made you look.

  *sigh*

  i think it's time i gave my anonymous reader time to figure out just how miserable i feel right now, because words cannot describe and i'm tired of trying...

edwin

another release from the hospital must be commemorated...

*sigh*

  so i tried going back to the address and i ended up in the hospital, but not without a good story first. honestly, i'm tired and just want to go to bed right now, but i felt it would be important to write something down to commemorate the fact i was indeed released from SF General Hospital again today.

  a friend i met inside convinced me it's okay to go back, but i'm not sure when that will be. i'm hurt, i'm tired, and i'm kind of sick of all of the games. things are happening to alter my reality and i'm not certain what to make of them. it is frankly something i have to get a handle on, and it's something i can no longer avoid.

  damn it, it wasnt a good idea to write tonight, especially not after i took my medication. it's frustrating, people, to be who i am, but it almost feels unfair to complain. i'm definitely feeling some strong emotions right now, and they're not intended to be destructive or offensive, but they are real. it's so hard to love something so passionately and only get disappointment in return. what are my options? masochism is a bitch.

  all i will say is that i hope i feel better in the morning, because i was looking forward to getting discharged from the hospital all day that when it finally happened it felt like a letdown because it didnt go the way i wanted it to. if they say i can go back i will, just not any time soon, because i am seriously all out of options at the moment until something concrete is given to me which can help me to convince a ride to make the trip.

  nah, that'll never happen, or will it? is it so much to ask for a miracle? apparently so...

edwin

HRC National Dinner: Lady Gaga

thanks to my gay lover virgil for putting this up on facebook. i had no idea lady gaga had done this at the HRC national dinner. i love the HRC and i hope to some day speak out against homophobia on their behalf. i mean it, i'd donate a lot of time to them if they made it worth it to me. oh wait, i'm not famous yet. damn it, i knew i was forgetting one detail.

no matter, enjoy the above video, which literally brought me to tears. thanks, lover!!!

edwin

the grillmaster speaketh...

  pick a name and stick to it. in this example i am prometheus, because i made fire out of charcoal last night and cooked the meat people prepared to feed our group of people. just the least i could do since i didnt have $5 last night to donate to the cause. thanks to my cousin nancy for getting me out of the house, i HELLA needed it.

  been having a helluva time lately shaking this funk, because every thing reminds about her and all i want is to see her but she wont come to me. typical actress, ha ha ha. i was looking forward to yesterday all week because i knew it was going to be a fun day.  i was looking forward to the fight and to barbecuing, because i love to grill. i just have to practice cooking the different meats people give me, because i've got the making fire part down to an art form. it's easy when you know what you're doing.

  when i showed up to my cousin nancy's i knew she was sweating me for the $5 donation, but i didnt know how to tell her i didnt have it, other than to just do every thing she asked of me, and i knew she wanted me to cook. so i was excited when the charcoal was brought by her room mate maria (a super sexy and intelligent woman; i'm lucky to be her friend) and i could finally start working on my masterpiece. she brought her friends katina (another sexy and intelligent woman; i am so blessed in this world) and howard, both of whom provided for the party in different ways. i got to work immediately trying to prepare the fire (it just takes time and effort, like anything else), which is when i was told the countdown to the fight had begun.

  going in, i expected something like this. i knew i wasnt going to be able to watch the fight, because i would be making food, but i didnt complain. i got a phone call from my home girl, beatrice, while i was cooking and i just took it in stride. i talked with her for some time, she was getting some beef off her chest about how some boy is fucking with her, and i'm like "dont worry girl, you know you can always call me, day or night, and i'll always be available; i got you!" and she was like "that's why i love you" and i was like "yeah, girl, i love you, too; i'm your dawg!"

  it was hella fun, i'm not going to lie. i was being the grill master, people were bringing me things to make sure i was alright, so i didnt feel forgotten, and none of the food got burnt. and i could hear everyone getting excited about the punching on tv (silly people getting excited about a fight, ha ha ha; it's a metaphor for life, folks) but i was too busy thinking about my friends (cooking, on the phone) to go inside and see what all of the commotion was about. that's how much i love the world, people. i deny myself the basic pleasure others enjoy because it truly makes me happy to serve the world. in this case it was meat which was a little chewy but full of flavor. like i said, i'm working on my technique and if i get invited to more barbecues i'll go. just dont ask me to pay for nothing, because i'm the guest of honor: i'll make your fire and feed you if you send someone to pick me up from my house.

  i saw some of the recap and mosley had mayweather, but mayweather was acting like little punk not taking punches while he was throwing his elbows. almost made me wish i could do something to make mayweather be quiet so he can pacquiao next; a truly great opponent of whom mayweather is scared. let's just admit that pretty boy floyd is not man enough to keep his mouth shut and take an ass whooping. that's pacquiao's style: dont fuck with me until we get into the ring. dont talk shit until we get into the ring. dont even think about offending me, because i dont fight for the money; i give my shit away to the people. for whom does pacquiao fight? the people, which is why he is beloved in his native philippines.

  it's also a corollary for why latinos, and other people, in general like me. it's why my name is edwin and why i'm good at parties. i always tell folks, "with me, you just have to add people; i'm great at parties." maybe i'll start billing my self to my friends that way. "hey, you want to have a good time? okay, let me do all of the talking but you have to pay for what little i'll ask from you? got it? okay, what do you want to do first?"

  i swear i can get anyone laid, if they're just willing to relax and take my advice. but the arrogant people who say "if you're so good, why do you go home alone at the end of the night" and i say "well, that's because the trick is that every one is scared shitless to ask me for what they're thinking about." every one is thinking about sex, and stress is manifested in different forms, but it all revolves around your sex life. when you're getting laid well consistently you will appear to be the calmest person in the world. well, if i tell every one that i dont have sex because i havent found the right woman and i'm waiting for her to find me, how come women have an easier time talking with me but never ask me if i want a blow job, or something.

  i love it, the friend role. no, i mean it, no sarcasm intended. women all want a man they can talk to until the right man comes along whom they will want to fuck. because women are scared of friendship because they think it will lead to heartbreak. honestly, people, men have the same fears. you see, i dont see genders, because i refuse my typical gender role. i am the "social butterfly" and i must "flap my wings" in order for you to see the "buttefly effect". it's why bee's are important; they inadvertantly pollinate all of the flower. i go from flower to flower sucking sweet nectar and women dont even know the gift they give me. i just love being around women because they smell hella good. that's how i know i'm not gay, because i spent a lot of time being bi-curious. well, i learned that i'm not man enough to take a dick up the ass; so i applaud all gay men who basically tell the world they ARE man enough.

  my friend, erick, taught me that. i listen to everybody, but sometimes it feels like no one listens to me. that's why i talk to my self in the shower, because water makes me happy. water is the elixir to life and it is the key to every thing, but once you learn to make it you'll learn you dont have to eat or drink any thing ever again. you will learn to deny your self all of the pleasures people take for granted, and you will be the happiest man on earth. i was basically practicing proving einstein but the truth is it requires no effort. it takes a lot of work to think all day, which is what philosophers do. we ask questions because we want people to confirm what we're thinking about. philosophers live the duality of teacher and student, because we're always learning and then teaching.

  my greatest trick is that i've learned how to make people happy; how to keep people always laughing, and it's an invaluable trick, but i hate asking for money in return, because then people think you only do things for money. it's why i need an agent, but i havent found the right person, so in the mean time i have to practice negotiating money since it's the one thing i hate which i never learned to control. it figured that i would think i had all of the details of my life in order but then i'd forget i had "one more thing" to do before i could be happy. story of my life, i swear, ha ha ha. there's always "one more thing" but it's just a metaphor for "i want to do it all."

  i have so much energy it scares others. i spent 11 days in the hospital being treated like a crazy person while my life was wasting away. typical; story of my life. when i dont get to be in control of my life it all goes to hell. *shrugs* i love cleaning up the messes other people make, which is why i worked for 15 months as a house cleaner, and i loved it when people would say "what cleaning product do you use, because it always smells so clean" and i now have the answer: it's just love.

  i heard somewhere that all you really need to keep things clean is a little water. i believe it, but advertising companies want you to believe you need scents. man, add water with some flowers in it and BAM! you have scented water which will nourish your environment. i swear, people, from now on you can all believe i'm crazy, because i know i'm not. daily showers are unnecessary because you're ridding your self of your essential smells, but it is socailly acceptable to "smell clean". women hate it when i smell them after they sweat. oh, how i love to smell a sweaty woman; she's sweated out all of the bad stuf and i can smell her natural smell. women wonder how i do it. he he he, i'm the devil. my sense of smell is amazing. oh wait, i mean, i'm manic and it heightens my senses.

  anyway, this post is long enough and i'm rambling again. i enabled the ads because i'm hoping to receive a check from the people in charge of them. do me a favor and please link my blog if you are reading this. tell all of your friends about me. i have a feeling this is just the beginning of something very big, and special privileges will be paid to the people who "buy" now. be able to say that you knew me before i blew up. help a struggling artist pay his bills. if you enjoy musings, tell your friends about me; i guarantee you they're going to love me, because you already do!

  i love you guys and girls. i think about my friends all day and it makes me happy. i just wish my family understood this. since they say that all they want is to see me happy, i believe someday this will come to pass. this, my friends, is my example of confidence. it's just confidence, that's how you can do anything, like stand-up comedy. i just have to clear up the obstacles which were created from my time in the hospital, and all that it requires is time. but wait, i have all of the time in the world, because no one possesses it. einstein proved that, and i'm proving einstein. it's how you become a time traveller (the british spelling; a joke i wrote for my self). england reminds me of my friend nadiya, whom i considered my "wife" until she sent me an email she doesnt share the romantic feeling. but i'm crazy to believe she wants me to love scarlett johansson, because i'm crazy about her, but i've never met her, so how come i feel like i can communicate with her telepathically?

  ESP is real, remember? my friend michelle, whom i met at langley-porter, said to me "you're the first delusional person i've ever met with whom i've spoken to that makes sense". she is a psych major. psychiatrists hate me because they can't find the holes to my logic. it's all a basic game they play, which, i hate games.

  if you want to know people just ask them how they spend their time. simple: how much time do you spend making your self happy? what makes you happy? done and done 1) i spend all day making my self happy. 2) thinking about the world and my life in it makes me happy. all i'm asking of this existence is for somebody to tell me where i fit in. if you have any leads, let a brotha know.

  holla at your boy!!! 415-828-6266, only receiving calls right now, can't make any.

edwin

One eskimO - kandi

the above song has been stuck in my head for weeks and it wasnt until my friend, suki, sent it to me in an email that i finally knew the name. tried downloading the original song "he called me baby" by candi staton, which is incredible on it's own, but this redeux is beautiful on its own as well.

i hope you guys enjoy the song as much as i have, it will certainly be on repeat for quite awhile. i think it's the first great song i've heard for my self in 2010, and just in time for the summer...

THANKS, SUKI!!!

edwin

time by kim ki-duk...

  anything worth talking about is worth talking about across all formats.



  today i watched the movie time by korean director kim ki-duk. i stumbled upon it at pusplay.com, after a friend sent me a link to a film she wante me to watch. the service seemed attractive for the price ($2.95/month for unlimited streaming) so i decided to take a chance.

  little did i know that i'd discover a gem which would make my impulse purchase entirely worth it.

  time deals with two lovers who are perfectly flawed. the problems arise when the neurotic female lead feels insecure about herself and decides to up and leave her boyfriend and change her face. sure, sounds like a simple plot, but the problems which arise are simply the beginning to this tragic tale. eventually, the boyfriend cant eat, sleep, drink, or even shit, without feeling confused about his existence, because all he wants to know is how he fits in, but she literally will not let him. he is too tortured to let her go and too hurt to believe she would resort to such antics, especially when she continually rejects his love in all forms.

  eventually, he decides to play her game and things do not turn out well for either one. it is a story which deals with the universal theme of identity and happiness, things which philosophers have been discussing since the dawn of recorded history.

  this is not a movie which is light of heart, but it is highly stylized, something which i see more american films becoming, although they keep their goofball lighting tricks, which makes it hard to take the popcorn fare seriously. time is an arthouse film with a feel for the mainstream, with scenes shot in modern looking places. it is at once beautiful with a sense of tragedy building throughout the movie until you almost feel like the endgame is well worth it. this is something most films fail to accomplish, because we are used to seeing people who endure through suffering to be rewarded. but what end does such a flawed character deserve when she begins to realize she should never have begun to play with true love? the answer awaits and it is a beautiful journey to observe...

  on a side note...

  the movie helped me to feel much better about my personal circumstance. again, i will reiterate that my muse is culture, specifically all expressions of culture, because they remind me that as human beings we have so much love to offer the world, and every thing which exists on it. worlds are subjective in that they can be individual or universal, and in my case i'm referring to my personal experiences on this world. or, my world within this world. or the 4th dimension relative to the 3rd. so on, and so on.

  my point is that whenever i feel down i can turn to culture and it lifts me up, and i realized that i had been failing to satisfy my appetite for film, which is voracious, so this current lull in my life provides me a perfect opportunity to continue to explore the one subject which trumps all others: culture.

  blah, blah, blah, i'm rambling again, but somewher out there i'm sure there's someone who can relate to all of what i'm attempting to say. at least, i hope there's a woman out there who is taking notice of me *wink*, because there's only one on my mind, but to ask me to asnwer that question will reveal only one answer: the world.

  i decided i should go back to loving the world and my "one true love" will reveal herself to me. culture is complicted in that it requires words, symbols which are easily misunderstood and can lead to confusion. thus, while my spirited search has ended, so begins a passive beginning which i had hoped to never have to endure. tough luck to my self, since i didnt leave my self a contingency plan, and i had sincerely relied on love to get me through all obstacles i could've (and did) endure.

  you see, my greater plan is known only to me, since i'm the only one who knows the value and truth beind my voice. i am the great joker who governs "my" world. thus, it is my laughter which gives me away, and i know it is  wonderful laugh, which reminds me of the only job i ever want to hold: comedian.

  until i have accomplished my childhood dreams, or until said dreams manifest themselves before me, i can properly leave this world. because i know how to live forever, but i'd be a fool to try to accomplish this mission all on my own. all great leaders were supported by someone, who has usually been their lover. einstein had his cousin, but it took him forever to admit to the world that he loved her more than anyone in the world, and to accept her proposal for marriage. if it can be said that einstein was a fool for this, then i am an equal fool for believing that unrequited love exists for me, because i only had one person in mind when i thought of love, but she has told me that she does not share the same romantic feelings.

  thus, i am left reeling and left to make sense of every step of my life i have taken along the way; a true identity crisis. if i have not lived my life for a woman, then i have lived my life out of love for this world. and the earth is my mother, time is my father, and there is no wife to be seen, because this whole joke is a conundrum knowable only to me, which others fail to understand, because exciting me sets off a series of events which scares my audience. again, i'm a comedian, so find a lie within my tale and my confidence deflates. but dare to believe and our worlds expand like bright stars in an infinite uiverse. infinite possibilities, which require the perfect partner/mate with whom to share all of eternity.

  this boy dreamed the greatest dream and it was life, but it cannot begin until others cede the control they purport to have over me and begin to understand that i am the writer behind my greatest masterpiece, which is my life. and every day i am denied brings me great sadness and it is felt on this earth through the lifeforce we all share, something over which i have some control, but i have only recently discovered said powers.

  anyway, enough said, it's time to try and be productive this wonderful friday evening...

edwin

proof of what i was working on...

  the above video is about an Indian (from India) holy man who claims to have not eaten or had a drink of anything in 70 years.

  not to sound like a boastful precocious child, but i can honestly say i know how he does it. i was practicing breathing techniques which enabled me to be able to experience some of the same elated highs as the man in the video probably feels. i wonder what happened to lead him to end up in the hospital, but since India probably has free health insurance, he probably isnt too concerned with his stay there.

  in america we have the "dont pay your hospital bills and end up with bad credit, which is null if you already have bad credit" health insurance. it's the one i use for all of my hospital needs. i had made an appointment with a medi-cal recruiter, but i guess she was too busy to call me back. i'm going to try her again on monday, because i would really like to be on it. maybe then it'll be easier for me to get respect in hospitals.

  more on the healer...it was said that "most importantly" he had not passed any urine or feces. easily accomplished when you realize how the body works. you can hold excreting for quite some time if you stay calm and your body will eventually completely process every thing you had to eat or drink. remember, it is said that urine is full of vitamins, thus if you learn to hold your urine you are only further nutrifying your body. sure, it sounds like hogwash comnig from someone without a ph.D, but believe me when i say i have lived this experience first-hand. i've disappeared for days on end and survived without food or water. hell, i even slept inside of my car with the windows up during a blazing hot day and made it feel cool inside, like i was in the snow. how could i manage to be able to do all of these things? with learning to control my breath and channeling the energy around me.

  it all starts with socrates and einstein, and then you fill in the rest. or you can ask the healer in the video and see if he makes sense to you. believe me when i say that, as humans, we are capable of so many magical and mystical things, if we are willing to believe...

edwin

just say his name three times...

  my how i thoroughly enjoyed the tim burton gem from 1988 known simply as beetlejuice.

  in case you have not seen it, get a hold of a copy, digital or otherwise, and sit down with a beer and enjoy the movie. simply put, it is classic tim burton. if you dont know what that means, i'll give you the quick and dirty explanation. lots of color, outlandish imagination expressed throughout, and a plot which keeps you entertained, not to mention lots of good music by danny elfman. this particular film uses some solid tracks by harry belafonte, which give it a nice latin touch, even though i'm more used to roots-based latino music. call me old fashioned, but i grew up on a different kind of music, but i digress.

  i knew that tonight i would have to follow up last night's woody allen gem by watching an old favorite. i havent seen beetlejuice all the way through in many moons, and i knew that it would soothe my soul just a little bit to take a stroll down memory lane. again, it is a movie which deals with the supernatural, something which has been at the forefront of my mind for the past couple of weeks. i'm new to all of this supernatural stuff, so i figured i'd recap things i'd taken for granted before, especially since right now all of the traditional forms of thinking are working against me. or at least, it feels like odds are against me, even though i continue to be reassured by proxy that my ultimate reward is still in play. hey, what do i know, i just do as i'm told, regardless of the results.

  anyway, it definitely lifted my spirits. geena davis and a *gulp* young alec baldwin play the roles of a recently deceased happy couple perfectly and michael keaton steals the show as the title character. simply put, the movie is a lesson in "be careful what you wish for" because you dont always know the unintended consequences of asking for help from someone who isnt exactly thinking with your best interest in mind. why does that theme sound so familiar to me? *scratches chin* give me a minute to think about it and i might get it.

  oh, that's right, because that's exactly how i feel right now! and people wonder how i am able to pick up on the subliminal messages hidden within culture. as i said last night, i have culture and that trumps everything. i tethered my self to the greatest thinkers ordinary men should consider as such and then i leaped off the proverbial cliff. metaphorically speaking, i'm in an endless freefall. or, to use the alice in wonderland reference, i'm trying to find out just how far the rabbit hole goes, people. the beauty of it all is that i'm constantly living life through multiple perceptions at once, and today i had to work on being "human" within the context of the word. since i have to associate with other humans, and since i am still bound to their world, i must find ways to satisfy the basic requirements expected of me. sure, i have no real desire to continue being a productive member of the work force, but that's something which will hopefully be reconciled later. in the meantime, i'm expected to provide for my self, because heaven knows no one else will; much less my family.

  what i do know is that when i'm unhappy i love to watch movies. i like to shut down the old brain and i like to observe cultural expression, all of which are rooted in love. in this particular case it was a love for the world which kept the lead characters bound to the world, but in a supernatural form. beetlejuice was simply destined to live out his afterlife as expected because he would not conform to any of the rules. a vicious cycle, which ends up seeming humorous, and the overall lesson was not lost on yours truly.

  my entire life i feel like i've been trying to find a balance, and recent events only informed me that i have not yet mastered this final mission. if i had, i would not have heard that my "friends are afraid of [me]". it does not matter who i am quoting, suffice it to say it was a punch to the gut, especially after every thing i submitted my self to. especially after all of it. to think. well, it's still difficult.

  in the end there must be happiness, because my entire life i have felt like i was building up to the greatest entrance by a new actor the world has ever seen. who lives their life as one giant delusion? who honestly believes every thing they think? and why would all of my thoughts make sense when i find an audience member capable enough to think in the most abstract of terms? how come my life makes sense when every one around me treats me like a known lunatic, a maniac? wait! i am a maniac, because i "suffer" from mania, so we've got that solved. i am basically legally insane; a patch i purchased and lost many years ago. one true lament, if ever it could be said of a material possession. i can obtain another, i'm certain.

  my point is that sometimes one does not make sense in contemporary terms, so others must rely on unorthodox ideas and thoughts to put the pieces of my life together, because i know that once questions are asked, i am required to answer them honestly. it just hurts that the answers are unsatisfactory. maybe all of this will not have bee in vain, but in the meantime i've got to muscle through this uncomfortable part. no matter, knowing what is at stake, i'm willing to suffer for just a little bit longer. no matter, because either way happiness awaits me, with or without my pound of flesh.

  to pretend to be a superhero: someone out there knows the answers to all of my questions, but they arent talking; at least, not yet. i'll get the answers i desire in due time. it's just painful that time is relative and i've got to sit through it. oy vey, doest the suffering ever end? will i ever get to rest my pretty head on the beautiful bosom i can imagine awaits me? ha ha ha, such a romantic pervert i am, and it's because women drive me crazy. for whom else do you think i live my life. i love the world and the world reminds me of women, but women are fertile like the earth, and all i desire in this world is to be a happy father...someday.

  cultural expression, my friends, is all about love.

  on a side note: i was catching mucho laughs watching old sam kinison videos. i included a link to his first special, and i encourage all to go through all 5 videos to get the full experience. if you feel offended while watching mr kinison, i can only imagine how you'll feel if you ever get to watch my incarnation of humor. believe me when i say that i'm in the same vein as him, without the homophobia and slight racism. at the same time, it's what made him great. he forced us to question our thoughts in order to find a greater truth which everyone seemed to be ignoring at the time.

  fast forward to the year 2010 and things are no different. gay people still get a hard time, and minorities dont have it any easier in this country. the only thing which has changed is the level of awareness. just because we have a mulatto president doesnt mean we're less racist. hell, even the fact i used the word mulatto could get me flack; but i dont care. people are hypersensitive, and i believe it is an opportune time for someone to follow in the footsteps of sam kinison. i think someone would make a lot of money speaking their mind openly about ALL issues, and i believe my self to be such a person. it's not like i am unaware of my reputation amongst others. in fact, my reputation has been harnessed ever since i was a boy; something which tells me that i was born to do what i dream of. the only thing which has stood in my way was my blind devotion to my family. well, i think i may have finally reconciled that problem, and all i need is a little more time to recuperate my mental health as it once was and then i'll spread my wings and fly.

  i honestly feel much better, folks, and that's saying something. it has been a hell of a week since i was discharged, but i know i'm on a much better path.

  as i was telling my proxy online: i'm going to focus on my self right now and i'm going to stop following spirits. if they are interested in obtaining my services or my time, they know where to reach me. she said, i think scarlett's just waiting for the right time, to which i wanted to reply "well, tell her to hurry up already." i think things may yet turn out in my favor, as delusional as it may sound. ha ha ha.

  i've always felt like i was writing my life, and that my biggest problem was not knowing what my role was in my own movie. a typical manic thought, but why does it make so much sense? how come i can see through all of the nonsense others spout in order to make sense of what people are trying to say? oh, never mind, i really ought to be in bed. so much thinking wont help a boy who is without assistance. it is almost enough to drive said boy insane, except for the fact that i know i'm not. and i will never go back to a hospital for such reasons unless i desire to be admitted, which i never will.

  when i think about it, maybe i've been trying too hard. thus, i must remember the lesson of beetlejuice and be careful about what i wish for. if i'm happy with simple access to all forms of cultural expression, then i'm fully equipped to create my art, which is humor, and any interested parties already know how to contact me. all i'll say is that, like jesus christ *chuckle* i hate being denied, when my entire life i've learned to say yes to every thing others asked of me, unless it was entirely inconvenient to me. well, those days are over, so i cant help but feel excited about finally placing my self first, second, and third. this means i truly will never lose, which, strangely, is a play on words i used to speak of frequently...edwin = ed wins = i never lose = i hate being right because it means someone else is wrong. oh, right, it all made too much sense so i stopped using it.

  as they say, classics never die, and love never goes out of style. since i love the world, i get to live forever. to begin to make sense of this you must first learn to see the sun. i've already told you every thing you need to know. good night.

edwin

woody allen's metaphysical midsummer masterpiece...

  just goes to show me: all i need is love.

  in this case it is the observance of love in the form of cultural expression, specifically film. my mood has been gloomy for a week, obvious railing from the deception i feel from my family, as mentioned in previous posts, so i decided to watch a movie via the online service provided by netflix (highly recommended, by the way. no HD yet, but maybe soon?). i figured i needed something to cheer me up, perhaps something by my favorite director woody allen, and lo and behold i stumbled upon a midsummer night's sex comedy. i wasnt sure what to expect, since i dont usually read the synopses of films, i just kind of go off the star rating and use the synopsis as a secondary means if i feel it is necessary.

  turns out it was EXACTLY what i needed: a smart metaphysical comedy explaining the complications which arise when love is in play. not to ruin anything, but the whole thing made sense to me. the whole movie felt as if it was written about my life, a clear subliminal message perceivable only to me, since i'm manic and delusional when i am happy. well, maybe i'm still getting there, but my conversation with my father earlier this evening also proved the obvious that i am returning back to my old self. maybe there is yet hope for me, he he he.

  woody allen isnt a dear friend of mine, but i have always felt like his movies spoke to me on some subliminal level. i can relate to the characters he creates, especially with regards to the passive aggressive ones who seldom overcome their fears, but tonight i began to associate more with the character of his best friend, in this case, maxwell, as played by tony roberts. however, since i was completely aware of my delusion, i also remembered that my inner child is and will always be similar to woody allen - honest and misunderstood - while my "adult" form desires to be more assertive, a la maxwell. but where is there room for love when both feel completely lost and with little hope, since the pursuit of said love has left us in complete shambles and utterly discombobulated? this, my friends, is to be found out at a later time.

  more than anything, i wanted to post something more upbeat; something light by which to say "hey, i'm feeling sad, but i know i'm going to be alright, so if you're reading this, please dont worry about me." unfortunately, the difficult conversations i've been having with my family have failed to generate any progress, especially with regards to basic communication, and i fear that i may soon reach a difficult decision much sooner than anticipated. what else am i to say about this, besides to speak of it in cryptic tones? my family is completely out of touch with me and i no longer care to maintain any flicker of a connection which might remain. i no longer care to stoke the flame of familial appreciation. it is utterly the saddest thing i have ever had to decide, since the only other thing sadder than this was a joint decision ultimately left in someone else's hands; and even that brought me closer to said person in the end. this, however, is the saddest thing for me, because i have to bury something which i hold dear to me, and i wont be able to resuscitate it until the time is right.

  since time is relative to me...well, let's just say i dont know when the concept of family might again seem to make sense to me. i'll need all of the time i can get, and if my most ambitious life's work is of any support...well, who's to say how long that may take? clearly, i was functioning with assistance prior to my hospital stay, and a part of me continues to believe said assistance may yet return to aide me, since words were spoken to me which i believed were intended to reassure me. unfortunately, it is beginning to seem that perhaps a sense of post traumatic stress disorder is beginnig to settle in; an unfortunate dilemma in that it distracts me from the ambitious work i was developing, which was to prove einstein's theory of relativity.

  imagine that, even my thoughts have been compromised. oh, how i long for that moment on the door step when it seemed that i would soon be the happiest man on earth. if only i could go back in time, because i have been reduced to a fraction of my former self. i have believed the doctors for too long because i thought they represented a greater meaning in the overall picture, and i now realize that my previous suspicions about the medical commuity were all right. *shakes head* there is no consolance for a lonely boy, and tears serve no function in this equation. again, i can only rely on my self at the moment; i am too paralyzed to reach out and i do not possess a telephone line on which to dial out (cell is only receiving calls at the moment, sorry, friends).

  *sigh* serves me right, i'll say. leave no built in safety net, put all of your eggs into one basket, and one cannot complain about the result. my only lament is that i did not speak sooner the only words i've ever longed to say. pick your choice of which you'd like to hear, but i'd endear my self to you either way: 1) i'm sorry for any undue pain i may have caused you or 2) i've loved you my entire life and have longed to be with you. an audience is unnecessary, my commitment to my self binding me to say these words to my self first. i'm sorry i have always neglected my self, and i love my self more than anyone else, because i have always suffered from a lack of the truest love i've always wanted to share with others. now it is time for me to focus solely on my self and to allow for time and space to revolve around me appropriately enough so that my destiny may finally reveal itself.

  i'm armed with the only tools i'll ever need, because all i have is all i'll ever need: my self. the machines i've acquired will assist me, and a great assistance they do provide, but they are tools and a philosopher only needs his brain to truly exist in this world. there is a whole world which is crying without my laughter, and i will do every thing i can to remedy this fault. i will soon laugh louder than i have in some time because i deserve it, and because the world deserves to hear me laugh again. i'll be damned if these incorrigible people take me down to their level forever. i should've made this decision before i went channeling other spirits, but, as a precocious child, i have never observed the rules in the same way as others. which is why i have always been misunderstood.

  my father asked me tonight if i knew the law. i had to bite my tongue from telling him the truth. i am responsible for more than he is aware, and it is a responsibility i welcome gladly, because it is a part of my destiny. who i must become is for me to reveal to my self. i am the lone driver on life's super highway, because only i know what it takes to travel through my life. it isnt a sad prospect, because there are passengers waiting to be picked up along the way. all i have to do is to find the way to rid my self of the responsibilities of ordinary men. i must find my way to the top of the proverbial metaphysical mountain, now that i know i do not need a sherpa. strange, my friends. i learned every thing i know through culture, and if mania is my muse, then i have never been more in love with any concept in my life.

  so, to all wayward spirits who might want to contact me i say that i welcome you into my body. i welcome the rest of my life in an instant. i welcome all of existence in one breath. i welcome the infinite possibilities i can imagine, and i long to lose my self in the greatest love story i have ever imagined. the story of a boy who fell in love with a girl he can no longer remember, because he loved her so much he had to hide her from the world, but in so doing he remembered that he loved the world, because he loved her. it's a perpetual cycle, which reminds me that i love women because i love the world, so if i want to have one for temporary companionship i must express my love for the world first. who's on first? ha ha ha, a dirty sex joke. who's on top first? who is on first? damn it, i think i'm working through this haze in spite of the complications doing so is creating in my life.

  but it hurts...it will hurt for some time, and until the pain is gone i wont truly be happy. when one loves it is forever. i've known this from the moment i was born, and to be denied means to find a different explanation to ones existence. plenty abound. theories make the world go round, and scientists spend lifetimes attempting to concoct a theory which can be proven by others to be turned into law. any famous name worth knowing in science is tied to a theory or law, and i told my self that i would know i was succeeding in proving einstein's theory of relativity when everyone around me began to treat me as if i was crazy.

  well, einstein built in the safety net that if you thought you were crazy then you were not, because only someone who was doing the same thing and expected a different result was crazy. i have culture and that trumps everything. i tied my self to socrates because he asked why, and einstein proved him. there is a 4th dimension which exists and the next time i have the chance to get lost in it, i will remember all of the pain of this world and i'll leave this all behind. there is no longer any thing left to tie me down to the ordinary world of men.

  at the end of a midsummer night's sex comedy a theory is revealed. it is one that goes along with many other theories which cannot be proven by ordinary science, which requires a firm belief in the metaphysical. well, i have always been a different thinker, so...ha ha ha. i write too much, but it isnt necessarily a bad thing.

  i'll figure this whole thing out at my own speed, folks. and thank you for reading my updates, as non sequitir as they may seem...

edwin

what's the alternative?

  surely, it has crossed my mind. to say that suicide has never crossed our minds is to say one has never gazed into the abyss hidden within each of us and pondered the alternative to life. it's simple, really: there is no alternative.

  it's a trick question, much like a lot of perplexing questions i ask. my personal favorite: we can do this the easy way or the hard way? this, again, is a trick, because the easy way isnt so easy and the hard way isnt that hard. it's a test of patience and understanding, and let's just say a lot of people fail it, but i aim to help them to understand my complicated ways. if i offered everyone the easiest way to do something i already know they will not always listen to what i have to say in order to accomplish their desired objective. it's a game i play in order to measure the value of the person in front of me. sure, it may sound manipulative, but how else is one supposed to determine the level of trust one can have with another person? i've often been accused of being too trustworthy, and while this is true, it has always led to a lesson with a hard-earned moral which has helped me to mature as a person.

  case in point, my present situation.

  i followed my heart and attempted to better myself for my family and i ended up heartbroken, or at least feeling this way. now, because i continue to refuse to follow convention i'm being alienated by the only people i have ever claimed to be serving, which are my family. it's a lovely way for them to show their appreciation. since i refuse to conform to their ideas of normality i'm deemed the bad guy. i'm given the unenviable task of succeeding as an outcast because i refuse to accept their help on their terms, regardless of the fact that it is meaningless help. to posture for the sake of pride is to spit in my face, and i consider it offensive that they should even attempt to question my intelligence. there is nothing left to hide, i'm aware of all of the flaws which make my existence and their own, and it has always felt like i am the only one who is willing to take accountability of this.

  well, it's all over. there is no more niceness for me to share with my family. and as a result they have expedited the frustration, they are giving me more stress as has always been typical of them. it was foolish of me to believe that they would ever begin to attempt to understand me. to them, i have always been an enigma, because they have never chosen to listen to the explanations behind my rationale. it is seriously something which causes me heart-felt grief, and it's pathetic.

  that was the purpose of yesterday's post. what does family mean to you, because i think of what it means to me and i have no clue. family is a word that is thrown around by too many people, and at the end of the day i am left alone. however, i blame no one. i blame my self for not building in a safety net. i knew that money would be the ruin of my connection with my family, and not because we would ever have too much of it, but because some would feel that we do not have enough of it. well, that day is finally upon me and i welcome it with open arms. i'm going to find the way to get on government assistance and i'm going to make something of my life. when one has no one else to turn to, there is always trusty uncle sam. i certainly qualify for being in a hardship, so we'll see what kind of lovely assistance i qualify for, including medical, which will hopefully help to settle some of the hospital bills i never asked to incur.

  you see, people, i'm like a cat, a misunderstood cat, a cheshire cat. let's look at the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland. he would appear and disappear at will, and he always warned her of things to come, but she never listened. she always knew he was around because she could see his smile, but she never fully trusted such a mysterious creature. well, he was always laughing, which certainly didnt help, but it was she who misunderstood his levity. he could peer into the future to see where she'd do wrong and all he wanted was to aide her, but she would not listen. the days of me being alice are over. i am going to be the cheshire cat, and i will rest on the moon and attempt to help any who are wise enough to listen. but i will be smarter about when i appear, in order to always surrender the illusion of control to those who wish to obtain it. control is just an illusion like time, and i refuse to attempt to control either. i recognize both because it is necessary, but i will not fall victim to them as vices.

  my family wants to control me, but they fail to recognize that they have little say in the matter. the only person who controls my life is my self; no one else. i'm tired of feeling like i am under their control, and i'm going to do everything i can to begin to be completely independent. it is something i have always desired, but for foolish reasons, i always felt i could rely on my family for assistance than to ask the government for the same. whatever remnants remained of the "boy" they once knew is no longer available to them. from now on, i will choose when i want to reveal my true self to them, but i already know they hate who i am, so it is easier to exist amongst them in silence. it is a simple game which every child knows works: the quiet game. the more quiet i remain, the more they have to recognize that i have done no wrong. if i speak no evil, there is none to perceive, only the projections of their fears and insecurities.

  if i can convince others that i am a mute, then how do people know the sound of my voice? this whole time i never knew i was playing a game, because no one ever told me to my face. now that i have finally figured out the game and it's rules, i am the master of my domain, which is all that i survey. but i do not wish to govern, i simply wish to observe, and in so doing i am empowering my self to live as an artist, the greatest of all creators. my heart is my guide and happiness my goal, so let's keep things light and frolic in the wind, sweet warmth awaiting us when we finally find comfort. money is not the enemy, it is a necessity, which i have long ignored for humbler alternatives. even it has a remedy, because my thoughts abound and money-making ones appear frequently. all i need is a starting point and i will survive, to reference an amazing song.

  it is a sad day for me, i simply cannot overstate it. i held such high hopes and beliefs for my family, but i now realize that i truly am alone in this world. i still have friends, thank goodness, but i must first alleviate my pain before i appear amongst them again in order to continue my life's work. i must reconcile this grief which weighs heavily on my heart.

edwin

no apologies for dissecting the word family...

  my only disclaimer, as usual, is that if you're reading this you have agreed to read my raw thoughts, which i edit at my leisure; no complaining or whining if you get offended.

  the question begs itself: what does family mean to you?

  because right now i'm fed up and frustrated by my immediate family, my family by name. i say by name because we share the same name, or at least they know me well enough to call me their family member in public. this post is intended to be about them, but i will give shout outs right now to every friend who considers me to be an extended member of their family. let me take care of mine right now for a minute and we'll touch base when a brotha is no longer inundated with stress by his blood. seriously, people, the hood nigga (tracy morgan said i can use the word, quit your bellyachin'!) in me is coming out tonight, so be prepared, as usual, for surprises, because this brotha is really upset, and the only thing which has ever helped me to feel better is to write and be myself while doing it.

  so appropriate that i consider every cultural expression to be a derivative of love, yet when i express this basic emotion to my immediate family members all they do is ask for more, without ever reciprocating it in the manner i feel is commensurate with the effort i put in. in short: i give way too much of my time and abilities to my family, and simply put, they do not deserve either anymore. i mean, for crying out loud, i thought family was supposed to support each other in their time of need. well, right now, after spending time in the hospital, and after following my own path, which led me to the hospital, all i'm asking for of my family is for them to listen to me. i get to decide what kind of help i need, not them. i get to decide what the exact causes were (stress, loving too much) which led me to the hospital, not them. it's preposterous just how ridiculously bad they're treating this situation. like, if i had the nerve to eat shit right now i'd pack a bag and go to a shelter in order to get away from the stress and lack of communication, but i'm not an ungrateful person, i'm just disappointed.

  sure, blast the folks online, where they probably wont access the information, right? ha ha ha, that's why this is my blog; i get to write whatever i want. the only reason i write about any of this is because writing is my release, and it sure beats wanting to smoke weed to "forget my troubles." i smoke weed because it is a form of medicine which helps me to focus my talents and abilities, and once i have enough money i am going to obtain a medical marijuana card. people have common misconceptions about me, but when you read something on this blog, you are getting the truth straight from the horses mouth. yes, i am a horse *whinny*, ha ha ha.

  to me, family is about giving each other time when we feel we'd rather be doing something else. it means helping someone whom you trust would do the same for you if you were in their position. however, since i'm a man of humble means and i have a terrible problem with asking for help, i never bother my friends with requests i feel immediate family members are better suited in filling. it doesnt seem reasonable to me that i should bother a friend with money when i know my own family members could fill the same basic needs, especially when they're the only ones to whom i've told everything. what makes the situation more pathetic is that i'm privy to all of the knowledge about them which makes me well qualified to ask them for help, because i know the answers to all of their problems, but do you think they listen? this is a 50-50, so you are guaranteed to get it right.

  simple answer: no. my family has made it a special event to essentially ask for and then ignore my advice, with their disrespectful answer being simply that if i know so much how come i dont have any money? yes, a slap in the face to this humble philosopher, but believe me i will no longer accept much of their speak as worthy for my ears. not that i intend to ignore them completely, i'm just going to simplify everything for them so they have less chances to deny me the basic care they purport to be providing me. if it can be said that i'm smarter than the average bear, which my family tells me and i believe, then shouldnt it follow they should be seen as valuable assistance rather than as pests? they're not booboo so much as the ranger (hooray for yogi bear fans!), and you guys know how much yogi loooved to get his hands on them picnic baskets.

  i am the same way. i'm trying to make enough money in order to survive living on my own while pursuing my dream of being a stand up comedian. sure, not exactly the glamorous life my mother envisions i can live if i go the traditional route, but couldnt any artist make the same complaint about their family? isnt that what i am, an artist? isnt the way i use words and art form, especially when they're used to make large groups of people to laugh, and subsequently to like me? how come none of my immediate family members gets this? how come they refuse to join me on my terms unless there's a built-in "carrot" to keep them entertained?

  so many stupid questions i ask when the answer is simple: leave it all behind.

  i made a commitment to myself when i was in the hospital that i would leave any person whom i deemed was creating stress in my life. this would refer specifically to my mother, whom i love more than any other woman on the planet, but whom lives in such a warped sense of reality that she'd rather ignore me and pretend it's doing me well than to meet what basic requests i've already made of her. denial is not only a river in egypt, as the joke goes. quite frankly, i should've made this decision years ago, if not weeks ago. maybe then i could've avoided the multiple trips to the hospital i made? maybe then i'd be sitting beside scarlett johansson right feeling like and believing that i am the luckiest guy in the world? instead, i'm sitting at home annoyed out of my mind that i fucked up the greatest entrance to an opening scene for any non-actor making their debut in this little movie i'm writing called "story of my life." you're going to love it, folks. scarlett's executive producing while i wear all of the other hats, like my favorite director of all time, woody allen, whom she made blush.

  believe me, people, if i'm delusional, then my delusions make waaay too much sense. i didnt consciously think all of this through, because if i had i would've known to drop my immediate family for a new family a long time ago. or in other words, i didnt know about my "special powers" until about a month ago, and in order to fully comprehend them i HAD to spend those 11 days in the hospital. i feel like my friends, nadiya and scarlett, wanted me to. it felt like they were thanking me for accepting being taken to the psych ward in order for me to better learn about my mental health and the conditions under which i am considered to be "suffering."

  my favorite is the diagnosis of bi-polar (true, which basically means "dont piss me off") with mania (seriously, the best feeling in the world) and some psychotic episodes (what happens when you piss me off. implied: i dont get upset unless others make me). people, when we break down the equation all the diagnosis means is that i have a condition, of which i am now fully aware, but it didnt have to get to the point where i was hospitalised for it. i admitted myself into the hospital and they put me in triage, but "someone" thought i should go to the psych ward at langley-porter, so i trusted their good advice and went along with it, even putting on a smiley face when my appeal to be released after three days was denied. i found the silver lining and said "someone is trying to tell me something" and just muscled through it, and i was almost rewarded by the night nurse *wink* on my final night there, had i simply stayed conscious instead of falling back asleep.

  what does all of this mean? i'm willing to play by the rules others create, but i am constantly asking myself: when do i get to be in charge? when will others begin to understand that the ideas i give are worth more than the perception people receiving said ideas have of me? i am not an idiot, i just play the role really well, because i always focus on wanting to help others to be happy instead of just being selfish and hogging the spotlight all to myself. it's why when i was in the middle of one of my "delusions" i was confused that someone should ask me to leave my "old" things behind in favor of "new" ones. why can't people be more direct and specific with their requests? and isnt it better to have certain conversations with someone face-to-face, regardless of your identity? regardless of your perceived value to society? a philosopher sees everyone as being the same: worthy of being educated and to be learned from. we dont draw lines between "upper" and "lower" society. when i speak, i expect others to listen to me and to meet me halfway, be they celebrities, doctors, or *gulp* family members.

  again...all of this has turned into a rant, but considering the way i've been feeling the past week, it's much needed.

  i was practicing learning to prove einstein and i built in a safety net that once everyone started to treat me like i was crazy i would know i was succeeding. well, we've reached the point that pretty much every member of my immediate family thinks i'm crazy and is basically being nice to me in order to not piss me off. i would say we're getting there, but i'm disappointed because i thought that by playing the game according to the rules given to me i would be rewarded. turns out i was disappointed by the pair of women whom i consider to be the most beautiful in the world.

  so recap: can't count on mom and had heart broken by the two women i believed were guiding me "home." where does that leave me? releasing my inner self and letting my inner light shine, like zion i taught me years ago (met zumbi and he is a cool motherfucker). do you want to know who i looked like to my cousin rick, on that fateful evening when i saw my inner light for the first time? he said i looked like scarlett johansson and all i saw when i looked at my reflection was my self. i'm not kidding you, but i'll have a difficult time getting rick to talk about it. i mean, he told me it hurt him a lot when i got taken away to the hospital the FIRST time, i can't even imagine how the poor kid felt when i got taken away a SECOND time and then stayed, voluntarily, for 11 days. he said to me "cuz, i didnt want to believe you were crazy, because i know you're not". practically broke me down to tears. he's a valued family member and all he wants is to see me happy with whom i told him he would soon see me (because i believed i was going to meet her via nadiya that night): scarlett johansson.

  *laughs out loud*

  *sigh*

  if i didnt live the experiences my self, i too would think i was crazy. believe me, people. once we start asking the heavy hitting questions about HOW i ended up at the hospital the answers begin to perplex. wait a minute, how do i KNOW where to find scarlett johansson? doesnt she live in hollywood? how is she connected to my friend nadiya, and how would i know that they were connected somehow to begin with?

  go ahead, folks, try and find the lie amongst the truth i've offered. ask me the questions you believe i havent answered in order to prove me wrong and i swear i'll go back on my medication believing it is the best thing in the world for me. the worst part was that i had an appointment to get my medical marijuana (the only real medicine, no respect to pharmaceuticals) card the week i was first placed into the hospital, courtesy of, you guessed it, scarlett johansson. i couldnt keep it and i subsequently ended up missing my appointment to donate blood, too, which means i let down a different group of people altogether because i was trying to satisfy the two most beautiful women in the world, as decided by me, thank you.

  *laughs again*

  as the song says nearing the end of "inner light" ... "this aint a game this is life." and i'm writing my life, so only i remember all of the fine details; only i know the sound of my own voice better than anyone, regardless of those who have access to my innermost thoughts. only i know when i'm being sarcastic or sincere, and it is the inability of others to trust me blindly as they have asked for me to do which has led directly to my gross dissatisfaction. i thought someone told me to my face that they thought they loved me? i thought i was playing a game where i would be declared the winner based on my ability to follow the rules of others.

  it would appear the joke is on me, folks. especially as it stands with regards to the F word which everyone uses but very few people respect: family. i can now publicly say fuck in public and correct anyone who would claim that i was being rude (go along with me, it's a joke). the word family is more misused and used to abuse than the word fuck (an homage to mr carlin). if i say fuck in the right context, i WILL get your attention. meaning, fuck, i want to fuck, but fuck, there's no one to fuck. no problem with the context there, but i can make the whole room cringe in collective disgust if i mention the word family.

  why do you think people both love and hate the holiday season? because everyone wants to put on a smiley face for their family even though it makes them uncomfortable to sit through painfully awkward conversations? do you want to know who i am in this example? i'm the ho-hum optimist who always has something nice to say about my family, even though i know they're the reason for a lot of my stress. you dont find many guys like me, and my personal stories are interesting, even if i hold a menial job. i can make the most uninteresting thing interesting, and i credit my self for having learned to do this on my own.

  it's a question i often ask my family, but they never care for the answer: how come i am generally well liked by others? i've come to discover that this is the greatest gift i possess, and i'm going to make sure it pays me before i die. i will see my pound of flesh, as it was promised to me by me. i'm no no longer going to concern my self with the promises which were made to me, because i forgot my own rule: no promises made, none accepted. the moment i went against my built in safety nets was when trouble began to brew, because i believed my honest fear was easy to understand. apparently, i was wrong. it seemed perhaps someone was more interested in removing from me something which i never asked for (their breath), so now i will focus and vow to satisfy the only person who has been present every step of the way: my self.

  i write the word self separately because it was proven to be separate by psychologists. freud introduced the concept, which was revolutionary for its time and remains as such to this day. people take so much shit for granted that they forget to thank their selves. i will no longer make this mistake. i cant afford to, because every time i follow someone else's rules i end up getting fucked (how else do you describe 11 days in the hospital when you were on the door step of your happiness). all i know is that someone owes me an apology, which they've avoided giving to me because for some reason they thought i should "pay" for making their life inconvenient for what seemed like an instant.

  *shakes head*

  the tone is all wrong, it's going to be easy for someone to misinterpret my good intentions...wait a minute, who cares?! this is my blog, remember? ha ha ha. people worry about the tone never understanding that it reveals their insecurities. sometimes nice things are said at high pitches, live with it. it's why you have to know what yelling sounds like and the reasons behind such behavior in order to understand people, but someone, to whom privileges were given before a certain age would fail to understand this. someone, to whom beauty is an empowerment and not a humbling quality, would fail to make sense of the hoi polloi (common people).

  i took the road less traveled in order to return to the starting point of my choosing. i put my self through the muck on purpose, because i knew that when i finally made it back to the point from where i wanted to start writing my life, everything would make sense to me. i purposely designed my life's story as a solo journey, and i'm purposely writing all of this down for all of you to share in the experience. and since it is easy to remain anonymous, i want to thank all of you who have held bit parts and starring roles all of these years.

  i especially want to thank everyone who has read every word of this blog, and of the previous incarnations as well. i have written countless words to express my unhappiness and dissatisfaction, but seldom have i openly shared the joy which i have found in my life. well, the joy is minimal at best right now, but it has been plentiful in the past, so i am simply saying that i want to return to those times in the future. i am going to make my life the happiest it has never been, and i will begin by focusing on my self first. i will stop wondering about psychic communication for the time being because it is my belief that i need a time out. who knows what the voices i no longer hear would say, but i have a sneaky suspicion they want me to leave them alone. how else can i explain the events of the past couple of weeks? it's possible i inadvertantly stumbled unto the most secret of secret societies and i never even knew i was an invited guest. well, if anyone wants to see me, they know my address, it's public.

  i'm going back to mine. i'm going back to understanding cultural expression better than other person alive, and this time i'm going to make sure i get paid up front. that was the sucker version of me you met before. no more free services, the bartering system is back in effect. because when you're down and you think you're asking for help, you will also come to realize what the streets (a group) were saying on their album "a grand dont come for free": it was supposed to be so easy. i did everything that was asked of me and received nothing, so now i will follow my own happiness and begin to reap the rewards and benefits of which i am truly deserving.

  i've applied for some jobs and will pull one down shortly and will go fast-forward with my plan of becoming a paid comedian. good comedians get considered for movie roles. successful movie stars comingle with others as such, and so, it should follow that if i dream my biggest dream and believe in my self more than i ever have in my life, one day i will be able to meet scarlett johansson "the old fashioned way" and then i can ignore her and say, with all honesty, she had her chance to meet me years ago, but she was always afraid to meet me in-person.

  the level of detachment required for anyone to believe my delusions is unimaginable, because it is required that you be able to imagine infinite possibilities before you will be qualified to find my plane. and that's a joke as well, because when i fly, i fly alone. there isnt a woman alive whom i now consider to be worthy of co-pilot status. in fact, the only person who ever made the best co-pilot was my homeboy, mike nielsen, whom i consider to be my lifetime agent, held on a pro buono status, becaue i told him that when i finally called on him it would be because my wildest dreams were going to come true. believe me, that nigga has been with me through everything, and i can only imagine how much it has torn him up to know that i was in the hospital and he couldnt do a goddamn thing because he's busy chasing his dream. oh wait, i told him not to worry about me and i ended up in the hospital.

  *heavy sigh*

  i guess no matter how i try to put the finishing touches on this post it's going to end nasty. just remember that i'm very frustrated right now. imagine how you would feel if you felt like every person who asked you to respond to their basic questions refused to see your answers from your perspective. then imagine that you're someone who is typically counted on to keep things light and humorous, because every one loves your sense of humor. how alone would you feel in this world if you felt like your voice was completely misunderstood? where would you turn when you discovered your family cannot be counted on to take care of you the way they claimed they would your entire life? what would you meditate on in order to calm your self if you realized the only reliable thing in your life is your brain? as i jokingly tell my self while pointing to my head "that's my nigga brain right there, he's been with me through every thing." ha ha ha.

  *sigh*

  i think i can sleep now. i think i'm satisfied now. writing therapy has succeeded yet again. and to think of what i will be capable once all of my abilities have returned. then i will really seem delusional, because i will believe to have nothing which will enable me to receive everything. all of the greatest teachers were trying to teach the world some basic things, and i will continue my life's work in their breath. i will help to teach the world to laugh at its self, and goddamn if i dont turn it into a profitable venture. because i told my self that my ultimate life's ambition would be to make my self the most famous person from el salvador, which would elevate me into the pantheon of latino's in history.

  this is how i choose to measure my self, and i believed that i could accomplish this goal with the help of my immediate family. how wrong i was, but i also told my self that 27 was the critical age when i had to stop fucking around. why 27? think of how many famous rock stars died at 27? jim morrison, jimi hendrix, janis joplin, curt cobain...greatness which has stood the test of time. and doesnt everyone wish to be treated like a rock star? i've been told i carry myself like a movie star, and that made me blush. damn drugs made me gain 15lbs, so i have to work at taking it off again, but, because i know how to do it, it wont be so hard.

  for every problem there is a solution, and only i know all of the answers to my life. help and assistance are appreciated, but what i had to learn in the hospital was to be assertive. i intend to do just that.

  as i wrote on my facebook page:

  no more moping, if you dont like what i say or do, leave me alone. i am not interested in dissenting opinions, i want constructive critics, not jealousy. your fear is not my own; i can imagine infinite possibilities, so aide me if you care for me, dont get in my way...

'nuff said,

edwin