Dude, where's my car...

 * hello and welcome back to my shitty reality show. my name is Edwin the Penguin and ill be your host for the evening. turns out great things happen when you turn 40 years old. i'm talking to a girl in El salvador that appreciates my efforts to fulfill her desires. I'm working for Uber again, after 7 years away. I'm hosting a radio show on Wednesday afternoons from 4-6pm on radiovalencia.fm and it's going well.

* I've stayed on my meds now for 4 years straight and I only have good things to report. I haven't had sex in 6 years, but that's the only thing that isn't going well for me. i was doing comedy for 6 months before taking a break, but I think i'm ready to return to it. i'll have to check out open mics in my area and then perform.

* I met a girl online and we're talking. her name is klaudia and I think I love her. she makes me hot and sends me pictures and videos. she just turned 33 and she wants to give me children. she has 3 of her own, two of which have cake days in June. I hope to be able to send them money for a cake before that. either way, I think I have found a woman that can make me happy. I want to work to go to El Salvador for my birfday this year to meet her. hopefully, I can fix papers for her to come sooner rather than later.

* my parents arent happy with themselves and now my brother lives with them. I think he's doing alright, considering he's going through a divorce. my parents are doing their best to take care of him while he lives with them. my brother is doing much better on his own than he ever was with his wife. I don't think he will ever get married again, but he did say that he wants kids. we'll see what he does.

* i'm drinking PBR tonight and have already had 5 beers. I bought a 30 pack of PBR for $22. i'm going to enjoy the night because I made $350 today. I bought enough weed and vape carts to last me for the next month. now, I'm even saving money on weed. way to go, Charlie Brown.

* I'm going to end this entry early. I don't feel like  writing more than this. I have to wake up before noon tomorrow. I have a long day of driving ahead of me. I have to call my PCP and schedule my next appointment. it's going to be a long day tomorrow. have a good night everyone...

updates to chez pinguino...

* i guess you could say that i won the war, and you'd be right.

they are finally settling the eviction case in my favor, which means that i get to stay for the forseeable future and beyond. now, i can ask to get a bigger place. now, i can ask to get my pussy cat as a service animal. now, i get to improve my quarters while also looking out for a potential partner. things are going to be wonderful this summer, once the entire state opens up. i'm also slated to receive my california stimulus check around that time, too. cant wait for that extra $600 so i can get some good weed and an extra cartridge.

turned out that the battery i had purchased wasnt working, because i used the vape battery that my buddy JD let me borrow and it worked with my cartridge, which had been stuck at 50% for about a week. needless to say, i'm almost done with that cartridge now. the other benefit is in knowing that it will work well with future cartridges.

* those fuckers tried to double charge me in rent for 2 months last year, and i caught them. they acknowledged their mistake and now i have an extra $808 to my name that i get to use for fun and relaxation. i will be saving a portion of my money, too, for the future fun i wish to have in el salvador. i was smart enough to keep the bad check he wrote me last year, and i emailed said copy to the attorney when she asked me to review the settlement documents. i told her about the bad check and she requested to see it. she forwarded the email i sent her to the opposing counsel and they agreed to reduce the amount owed, which is where the celebration comes in, ha haha.

* my cousin is arriving to clean my room, which means i'll be helping him. i'll write more later for the few interested souls that follow my blog....

"goddamn it, bobby! quit fucking around online"...

|\...you know, the best part about finally having another smart TV is that i can outsource all of the various individual tasks that i enjoy doing separately to the 3 primary devices in my possession and, based on the configuration, i get a whole different sense of accomplishment from each one. it's quite fancy to say that i enjoy having a "sleep party" when i put my head down. it's quite nice, too, because i know that i get to enjoy it alone, without requiring anything else. it's weird to be so proud of such an accomplishment, but the truth is there isnt much to be proud of at the moment. aside from my hair, that is. it's a prize piece worth letting down at all turns, but i dont enjoy the attention i garner all of the time, hence why i prefer to hide it's length.

lest i remind y'all that i suffer from irrational paranoia, mmkay?...

* right now the music is pumping out of the hisense 65" smartTV speakers and i must admit it sounds impressive. not because it's loud, but because the optional settings improve upon the basic sound to provide actual depth and a hint of bass, something that smartTV's are NOT known for. my point is, i'm happy with the configuration, because occasionally a video will play on those wide 65" and then the booty's seem even more massive than they probably are in person. my favorite function is the built in chromecast, so i can stream porn to my screen with the benefit of quality sound control, you know, to help enjoy the moaning. anyway, porn isnt a crime and i wish people would act like adults when discussing sex and all of its glory.

* and yet, for all my bellyaching, there isnt a thing wrong with me. not like last year when, in early march, i fucked up my right foot because i didnt wipe the gravel clean out of inbetween my toes and got an infection. it was pretty stupid, and fucked up, but i still managed to "enjoy" my self while i was hobbling  about. to make matters worse, i was stinking it up to high heaven as a disgusting and vile "stay at home pig", oink-oink. i had the puddle in my room, which was an overwhelming mess. i forgot how long it took for me to finally take care of just the puddle, let alone all of the grunt work that has happened since those awful days. needless to say, i'm pretty sure i've gotten rid of a tonne of trash and disgusting things from my apartment in the past year, and i'm much better for the wear, if ya understand what i mean.

nobody is perfect, let me assure you of this. not even me; hell, especially not me. i find it baffling that these fucking dating apps cant seem to get it right. just be upfront about your fears and insecurities and we'll all get along well, right? maybe, maybe not? maybe someone plays the "long con" and sets you up for a period's time worth of misery? maybe you shoot someone because they didnt share their onion rings? who the fuck knows. my point is: dont sweat the little details that keep you up at night. like, drink some melatonin and fuck that shit, yadadamean? even zzzzquil is acceptable...

* this covid19 nonsense is running amok, but finally the vaccines are here. i hope to be able to sign up for a vaccination as soon as possible, just to improve my prospects of being able to travel to my beloved El Salvador. it's looking like the state and the federal government will collaborate to give us 2 more checks, one apiece. my uncle Frank was telling me the details, considering that he stays informed by watching youtube videos. he's living the life, too, only he actually gets laid regularly, whereas yours truly has no sexy videos of which to speak, ha haha. someday soon, i keep telling myself, but why does it feel like i'm lying? *shakes head*...

dont fight the feeling...

   |\... am i right? sometimes, you've just got to roll with the punches and sit in a puddle of your own urine, until help arrives. or something to that effect. the point is, there isnt much that i can do to aid my search for pussy, nor am i winning any favors by not keeping up with my laundry habits. which reminds me, i need to wash these sheets, specifically the blankets with those new scented things i purchased and hopefully this crazy quack can diagnose why i keep waking up 7 times a night to urinate, ha haha. oh man, isnt it fun getting old while being on chronic medication? i'm telling you, the fun never stops, and i live alone, ha haha.

* thanks to the shelter in place order, and to the subsequent "exodus" out of san francisco, there havent been many chances to meet women lately. not that i'm not trying, but i'm tired of hoping and waiting and am anxiously awaiting my next call to action. needless to say, i'm forced to keep waiting for at least another 6 months, for better or for worse. begging the question: where the bitches at? no, seriously, i'll wait for the reports of where the majority of single women live in this city, because i cant seem to find them. or maybe, i just stink too good, as in my weed is too strong, and these anti cannabis mistresses have taken over my beloved City. either way, i'm fucked, but not in the way that i desire.

what's a man got to do to get noticed, anyway? now, it seems like i'm persona non grata, which wouldnt be so bad if i had someone in my corner with whom to enjoy being "the bad guy". nobody deserves to sleep and eat alone for as many consecutive nights as i have, especially not after the thousands of dollars i spent on getting legally extorted by my salvadorian ex, ha haha. only dumbasses sign up for long distance monogamous relationships, i dont care who gets upset by this.

* at least i'm not sleeping and living with an actual puddle in the middle of my apartment anymore. that's part of the byproduct of being a mental health patient with manic episodes. you tend to endure a little more thanks in part to what you overcome daily, or nightly, just to get a moment's rest. now that i'm fully back on my meds, it seems that my behavior has normalized enough that i can pretend to be "normal" long enough to warrant the attention i get. then, my mouth opens and i'm never sure what the fuck i'll say. normally, that's an endearing trait, but with a penchant for humiliating my self for no other reason than i'm perfectly allowed to, i'd say tread cautiously around me, and those are on my good days, ha haha. no, just be nice and i'll adjust accordingly once my energy drink kicks in.

 anyway, so the 1st ex got a hold of me regarding some items she found from our time spent in high school. i figure they're worth the nostalgia factor alone, disregarding their current location. it's the origins i'm interested in, and 20 years worth of nostalgia has got to be worth the enduring B that i never quite felt comfortable with, a la Holden Caulfield hating the establishment for being phony.

my point is simple: all nostalgia is good nostalgia if you're totally removed emotionally from the situation. it just pisses me off that those fuckers took my sweater that my boy, Brian, gave me. Brian always had good weed to share with me, and when he passed away, i was gifted his 2014 emerald cup black hoodie. and those fuckers took it. i'll tell you, drinking that chlorine water was worth it if i can finally get that sweater back, but i'm fairly confident that i'll never be able to track it down now, especially not with how comfortable it was.

*it must be mentioned that i recently purchased this giant black speaker with cool lights on it that sounds great at night when i'm playing my sleep mixes. i'm telling you: it's a shame to live this well, ha haha. well, maybe not in the literal sense at the moment, but definitely for the potential of what could be, i definitely am better off with a more organized 2nd half, yadadamean? but, that's a problem to puzzle for another day. i'm getting hungry again, and i want a snack. good thing it's only an exchange i have to wake up for at 6:30am, ha haha, otherwise, i'd be in trouble.

needless to say, a bowl, or two, of cereal might be in order, just to keep the hunger demons at bay, because that cheesesteak wasnt big enough to satisfy my immense hunger. i should have gotten the tator tots from carl's jr...fuck!!! ha haha...

|\...now presenting, the captain of the "sadie hawkins all stars"...

 * ... Edwin the Penguin!!! *the crowd erupts in cheers and applause*

"thank you, thank you" *waves hands like a natural born dictator*

y'all really lack the context within which the above references make sense, but suffice it to say that those words actually represent a form of reality that once was unimaginable to me. needless to say, but i'll say it anyway, it turns out i might actually have finally been handing the "leading man" role i never applied for, ha haha. no, that's not just mindless braggadocio on my part, it's an actual fact.

like i told my interim therapist, "Scott", earlier in the year, and right around the time prior to the pandemic being declared, (approximately around March 2nd, 2020): i expect the worst case scenario to unfold, and i wouldnt be surprised if this ends up being long and drawn out. i told him it was just a "soft reset" and that there would be plenty of financial casualties, aside from the ones the pandemic would claim. it was weird, because i then told him: i know that i have been given the lead role now, and if all i have to do is the minimum, which is to say, "just be myself", then i think i can do that, i think i can agree to that, especially if i get to continue to smoke weed with relative impunity. he laughed, and because he is a true "mouth breather", i had to hold my own chuckles in response to the way he sounded like a badly voiced muppet when he spoke to me about anything, attempting to relate to me on an intellectual level that he was clearly not authorized to enter, much less was he properly equipped with the necessary hardware, ha haha.

* what do you call it when the so-called "surprise ending" is more of a yuge anticlimactic letdown? as in, why has Scarlett Johansson been wasting roughly the past 10 years of my life on purpose? bruh, when i finally heard that bitch's voice in the female cell next to mine when i was illegally detained at 850 bryant, i wanted to go ape shit on her and whoop her ass like a REAL LONG HAIRED HULK would, but i had to resort to kicking the metal sliding dividing door loudly multiple times every time her tweaking ass was running her lips too much. we get it, you think you're such a yuge deal you essentially put my life on pause while you galavanted your cavalier ass all the way to a yuge pile of "social status", to the point that you felt you had the authority to hijack my year? bruh, MISS ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT, HA HA HA!!!

it was rather funny, though, to toss back the trucker hat style cap she "gifted" me at the club on Howard St, close to the Intercontinental. i snuck a $20 into the tip jar, as a form of "payment" assuming she said "no charge" when i asked her how much i owed her for the purchase of said hat. it was then that my now infamous "condescending laugh" and "smile" were clearly captured by her tweaking ass, to the point she even chuckled mildly in retort, unaware of my dual action response she would soon become familiar with.

hey, bitches, NO MEANS NO, right? or does that only apply to your specific scenarios? honestly, i dont care at this point, ha haha. unlike the advice Harvey Dent gives the mob gangster who made an attempt on his life to "buy american", i will NOT be indulging in such bloated ego swine. i'll gladly suffer silently, as i endlessly fill my various cum rags to the point that their scent will be so pungent that those bitches will have no choice but to follow me home, ha haha. there's obvious benefits to remaining "grimy and slimy" as i enjoy saying, but y'all aint ready to have that conversation. besides, what would your little minds have to reply if you were proven to be wrong with your "squeaky clean" wannabe mentalities? you'd openly take up an active meth addiction, just like little miss "red herring", ha haha, but you didnt hear that from me, okay...

same shit, different decade...

|\... *honestly, what...the...fuck?!?!

i get it, we have "unfinished business" and they demand their "payment" on-time, just like the goddamned fucking valkyries; go fucking figure.

still, given the relative nature of the assignment i had been given, i cant say that i ever felt that this was ever truly "over", as in "game over"; not by far.

for starters, i had been feeling rather strangely the past couple of months, especially during the months of october - december, to say nothing of the happenings and goings-on during the initial start of the decade and year, specifically. why, then, did i feel as if there was a large convergence of forces that worked out magnificently to TRULY fuck with me, especially during the final 15 days of the month of february? sadly, i dont think i'll ever really know the answer to that question, neither, ha ha ha, which is to say we're officially "back in the game". hey, fuck it, if they refuse to fucking kill me outright, then i will surely enjoy fucking them back, ha ha ha. or as the saying goes: "it's only gay if you push back"; ha ha ha. no, i am not a homosexual, but i am assuredly more happy about my present situation than i was at the start of this month of March, 2020, ha ha ha, and that's certainly a noticeable improvement i will gladly relish in, especially since i have maintained all along that i was on "vacation" starting with the 1st of March, and somehow that degenerated into the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD GOING ON HIATUS!!!

again, i must shout out loud "WHAT...THE...FUCK!?!?!"

how come things make so much perfect fucking sense to me, and me alone? bro, there is no comfort in being me, at least none that i can fathom, but trust me, i am definitely NOT COMPLAINING, ha ha ha.

(editor's note: the previous words were written at the onset of the pandemic being officially declared in March)

5th of May, 2020 (aka just another tuesday)

please take the time to watch this video, it would mean a lot to me. shout out to all of those who have always continued to support me; y'all are my MVP's...

"quite frankly, my dear: i dont give a flying fuck!!!"...

* and so it is...just like you said it would be...life goes easy on me...most...of the time*

BRUH!?!?  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!?!?

turns out a lot of what i was experiencing previously was more real than i gave it credit for, and that fact alone is disturbing enough. yes, it was quite emotionally disturbing, to put it kindly, the way my mind lost it's way and i ended getting literally mind fucked like some community whore in the millenium's hottest digital VR (augmented reality) gangbang where everyone who could afford the buy in, or had signed on for dibs prior to the release of said technology, ALL got to basically take me for the proverbial ride. to say it was demeaning, degrading, and downright depressing is a yuge understatement. suffice it to say that i fully expect there to be many and plenty attempts made in the future to try and jeopardize my position by "threatening" to "leak" said experiences and i will simply reply: "make my day", and then hang up, or walk away, depending on the circumstances.

* my mind is playing tricks on me, i'm certain of it, because the longer i remain alive, the more i am forced to face with the reality that "strange things are afoot at the circle K, dude", trust me.

for starters: plenty of people with seemingly more important public roles have all died, or been killed, or basically have "become deceased", as it were, yet here i remain.

as i have been repeating to anyone that will listen: if i believe my existence to be enough of a threat to the powers that be, then why am i still alive? honestly, i'm not sure if i'm looking to find out the answer to that question anymore, which essentially removes my sense of purpose from my life, it's rather strange and yet gratifying at the same time, and i wouldnt have it any other way, trust me; i've earned this privilege to rest and relax and accumulate various layers of cum on my multiple cum rags, all of which are fun to fill regularly, ha ha ha.

but i digress.

* honestly, i wouldnt expect any of you to be able to understand the level of bullshit that i went through, nor to have any desire to listen to the sordid details of how i essentially wasted most of my earnings from the years 2015 - 2018 on a relationship that was basically meaningless and especially useless. unfortunately, the one thing that was supposed to bring me pleasure the most (oral sex) was actually the most painful part of the entire relationship, and that's when i made my final decision to cut bait, ha ha ha. alas, it sure was nice proving to my self that i can enjoy wasting money on a woman that neither deserved it, nor appreciated the efforts i went through just to support her desired way of life. it's sad for her, but points for me, because i can comfortably dictate that particular aspect of any future relationship(s) i might potentially embark on.

this bitch was UNGRATEFUL!!! for that, let them pay in the future for it, considering that is essentially the same behavior women employ. what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

* i'm living in San Francisco in the neighborhood known as "midtown" and i am loving it. i basically just chill, consume cannabis, and basically run errands. i'm doing much better mentally, emotionally, physically, and everything else. i'm finally "living off the fat of the land", like george and lenny were hoping to do someday. that movie always gets me, but i didnt manage to watch the ending before it was removed from the VUDU app; alas.

i still drive a stick (manual transmission), only now i drive a different vehicle. i drive a 2001 nissan sentra GXE, with a shitty paint job, and i fucking LOVE it. i think there's something wrong with the way it's wired, or running in general, but it's serving it's necessary purpose for now, and that's all i need it for at the moment.

* i have been single since September of last year, when i finally decided to finish things with the ungrateful ass bitch in el salvador. i felt that i had wasted enough time, money, and especially effort.

since then, i have managed to improve pretty much everything about my self, and i am even down in size and feeling great. to say i look great is an understatement; i look SEXY, ha ha ha. if i could, i would fuck myself, but only if i were a female version with a fully functional body, because i'm not into men with regards to fornicating. i do, however, firmly believe that "a mouf is a mouf".

it's weird to be back in a familiar position, only at a more advanced age. for those who dont know: i turned 36 years old this year. yes, read that number again: 36!!! i cant believe i made it this far along in life, considering where my mind was at the start of the decade, but i am most definitely grateful and appreciative for the opportunity to continue fucking around in this collective existence we call "reality". i'll be sure to continue to do my part to keep stirring the pot and serving y'all your sweet, sweet koolaid y'all love and enjoy, with EXTRA fluoride flavor, ha ha ha...

an ambitious first attempt at writing comedy...

* it's now July 30, 2018 11:07pm, and I'm going to try to write some jokes, as i listen to Drake's album "if you're reading this, it's too late".

I'll admit, I'm kind of distracted, but that's kind of the point of the music, you know, to get me to focus, like, on the jokes, ya dig?

* I'll just share some updates and make funny comments regarding my current situation.

i realize, I've sold enough weed to break even, ha ha ha, but not from my lifetime of smoking, just from what i invested initially.

my friend, Fe, copped a half zip today, and we met in our usual spot in front of City Hall, here in my beloved San Francisco. she's a sexy lady, but my intentions with her are strictly platonic, and i think that's a mutual sentiment, only, I'm not trying to find out, either way. we're both sexy enough that we embrace the loving/friendly embraces as old friends, and nothing more.

i never thought I'd get to this point in life, where I wasn't so horny to not flirt with an attractive girl. i think it's the erectile dysfunction kicking in and gripping my balls, quite literally, too. i don't jerk off like i used to, and I'm only about to be 35, which is the right age for ED to become a reality in my life. far be it from me to be proactive about the situation, it's not like I'm fucking my fiance on a consistent basis. this sucks!!! i think I'll mention it to my doctor when i see her on Friday.

* fuck the Giants, they're a shit show in the 2nd half, again. how did i not see this coming? add to that the fact that I'm essentially going to miss the playoffs in fantasy baseball, and that's enough reason for me to start doing fantasy football mock drafts. my birfday is in 25 hours, and i think I'll spend some of my cake day working on my draft strategy. I'm seriously trying to make money in fantasy football this year. the big dog's gotta eat!!!

* i realized, it's been almost 5 years since i was last in a looney bin, that's real progress.

and I'm still able to smoke as much weed as I desire, too!!! this isn't a joke, i give away weed to close friends and family. did y'all ever think that would ever come to pass? clearly, I'm making progress. even though my apartment is messy, it's not uninhabitable. I'm enjoying other drugs, too, and I'm finally able to enjoy my time alone within my sweet spot.

for example: i was supposed to do some shrooms tonight, but i decided I'd wait until tomorrow night. it's not like i don't have enough, it's just that it's kinda late and I'm kinda tired. my co-worker gave me around 9 grams, split unevenly into 2 bags, and i was kinda hoping to grind up a gram and then letting it soak in orange juice before drinking it, but, again, it's late, and yes, i actually have to be up at a decent hour tomorrow morning.

needless to say, tomorrow it's on like Donkey Kong!!!

* i just remembered the conversation i had with Fe about how when you're young, you give up pussy, for various reasons, but when you're older, you turn it down. like, if another girl flirts with me, I'm going to claim to be harassed, on my Mama!!!

ha ha ha, y'all know I'm just playing, issa joke!!!

but, yeah, that's true for me, I'm turning down pussy now, and I'm not even a real celebrity, I'm only famous in my mind. the truth is, the ED is real in my balls and penis. I'm going to get help, i promise, because i need at least 11 babies to make a national soccer team that'll qualify for the world cup in 20 years, like Croatia and France had this year. no, I'm serious, I'm going to talk to Flor and tell her this is my life's new purpose, ha ha ha.

*it's now 11:26pm and i think this post is long enough to publish and then share on social media. let's see how the newbs like the new content compared to the older content, ha ha ha...

finally felt like writing again...

*so it's been a rough week, to say the least, but thankfully, I'll get through the next couple of days.

i fucked up my car's engine and have to pay $2500 to fix it. that's a hard lesson learned, but thankfully I'm not counting on my parents for much help. they were very happy to know that i had enough money saved, but now that means i won't have enough to pay for my trip to El Salvador in December.

looks like I'll be getting paid this holiday season, but i won't get no pussy til the 10th of February at the soonest. I've gone longer times without sex, and this is for a good cause, so I'll be alright.

*I'm feeling like writing a comedy set of 3-5 minutes to perform sometime. it's a dream of mine to do standup and before the bipolar bullshit, i was seriously considering working on a routine. then, all went to hell and it's only until now that i have begun to feel like performing again.

I'm very glad the desire came back, because people have been asking me about my comedy. sure, i want to be offensive, but not in the same way as before. I'm not fully all back yet, but I'm more calm now that I've learned to deal with my disorder. that's something I'm grateful for.

*watched alianza lose in the final minutes of the concacaf league on YouTube. broke my heart because it was the last play of the game and costly scored an amazing goal to beat us. i see now that there's good soccer being played everywhere, but the fans in Honduras should be ashamed for their behavior. the fireworks were uncalled for.

we can argue all day whether the game should have been suspended or not, but the truth is alianza failed on their defense and they didn't attack much in the 2nd half. they were basically praying for the game to end, instead of forcing the issue all the way through.

oh well, at least now we can focus on the regular season and hopefully reach the finals again.

*it's good to be wanted, but i know where my heart lays. i made the choice to remain faithful to my fiancé and nobody is going to make me break that rule.

I'm glad to have my fiance in my life and i plan on marrying her whenever that is possible. we've come a long way and there is nobody that is going to stand in the way of our happiness. my mom is a hater, but she knows I'm serious when i say that i will marry Flor. everybody else is just there to support me or stay out of my way.

*my homeboy, Jonah, is coming over soon and we're going to smoke weed and chill. he's bringing Penny's dog, Lily, and she's very good here in my space.

last time he came he brought me food, which was nice of him, since i don't always eat fresh. maybe it wasn't the healthiest, but it was good; he brought me jack in the box.

it means a lot to have friends in my life that help to make sure i don't stay in bed for too many days in a row. my dad called me today, too, and it almost motivated me to do my laundry. alas, i just fell asleep again.

then, Jonathan came over after the alianza game and we talked about different things. we barely smoked. i told him i haven't been smoking that much weed lately and he said he was doing the same.

i think I just need more edibles, because smoking weed isn't getting me that high anymore. i know when i get to El Salvador, I'll be dying for the weed they have there, but that's 6 months away. so, I've gotta figure out what to do until then.

*I've got a busy day planned tomorrow, so i don't plan on staying up all night, but we'll see how long Jonah stays...

writing again late night, what else is new?...

*today i begin to write for the first time in 4 years. at least that desire has returned, and i welcome it gladly. to create stories is fun, but to share my life is my exhibitionist showing himself off.

to catch you up, i was going through a rough time when i last wrote, but things were getting better on the relationship side.

i no longer desire a polyamorous relationship, instead I've chosen to remain monogamous with Flor, my fiance. she has stuck with me through the rough times, while I've turned into something of a catch.

*believe me when i tell you, i can't smoke as much weed as i used to, but I've got more now that ever before. that's the key, I'm not buying $5 bags from people on the street.

instead, I carry weight like I earned it, which i did. and now, my interests are more varied and thus more expensive, but i can afford them because I'm working for eaze now.

what's eaze, you ask? Google it, and make an order if you live in our area. San Francisco is the flagship market, if I'm not mistaken, but we're all over Cali.

*I'm doing much better mentally, for those that were curious. i no longer have manic episodes or panic attacks, and now I have my own apartment to call my own on section 8.

things are definitely much better than when last i wrote. i hope to build on that momentum in coming days in order to become better and happier for myself, my family, and my friends.

as usual, I'll try to share the stories that i feel are best suited to tell you what my experience is like and to entertain you to the best of my abilities. if i fail you, I'm sorry, ha ha ha.

*now I'm 34 and I'm ready to get married. i thought i was ready before, but i realize i was just rushing what was meant to be taken slowly. I've learned to love again and to be faithful and serious about my intentions to never hurt Flor in any way.

i also finally quit cigarettes, even though I'm 4 years behind schedule. haven't had one in 2 weeks, and i turned one down tonight, just to prove to myself that I'm serious. i hope i haven't done serious damage to my body from smoking for over 14 years, but I'll take the bad with the good as i did with the bipolar disorder.

*it's time to sleep, I've gotta​ be up at a reasonable hour to go to work. I'm just grateful that i have my own spot and that there are no longer time limits as to when people can come to visit me.

I'm also saving hundreds in parking tickets, too. i paid almost $3000 combined over the course of the time i lived at the 16th St hotel. I'm so glad i don't have to go there anymore, unless i care to visit ci ci in her room, which i don't. nothing against the hotel, but those were not my best times, unless you have a warped definition. sure, i had some good days there, but nothing to brag about.

oh yeah, sleep time...

|\...the day i met my first future wife.../|

|\...was the 1st of september

her name is flor and she has made me the happiest man in the world today.

 so, today she came to visit me at my house in el salvador and we made love for the first time and my mom was in the house. GANGSTA!!! ha ha ha, she was dripping wet like it was honey pouring out of her. i teased her by licking her pussy a little before we eventually ended up on the bed with me on bottom. we were both in such a rush neither of us took our shoes off. SEXY TIME!!!

*  that's all i'm going to say because my girlfriend flor's life is in turmoil right now and i dont want to add to it. i make that distinction because i have my girlfriend caroline at home in the states going through her own shit. i can now say i have 2 girlfriends and they both know about each other. apparently prayers DO get answered, ha ha ha. good thing i pray to my saints all the time.

* i had more i was going to write on the subject but i ended up distracted and am getting to this post at 6am pacific on the 2nd of september, which means i'm still happy as fuck. i hadnt fucked since october of 2012 and that was with an unimpressive 53 year old. this fuck was with a 27 year old MILF who wants to help me start a family. at least both women were satisfied with my performance, but that comes standard when you're above average (8", baby!!!), ha ha ha.

* now comes the heavy lifting because from now on i have to manage both women and keep them both happy as only i know how to do, but at least neither woman is going to give me grief. i hope caroline can work through her shit enough to help me have a baby someday, but i'm willing to have patience with her because she's worth. i'll never forget how she helped me get through that panic attack back at john muir, ha ha ha, she won my heart that day.

* i keep sleeping a maximum of 6hrs. does that mean that that's what my body needs? stupid american doctors want to prescribe 8hrs as if god himself told them that that's what everybody needs. i'm becoing increasingly upset with american medicine, but i cant quit them cold turkey for fear that my condition will lead me back to getting locked up. i'd rather take their meds and work with them to arrange my regimen, but i'm not giving them the pleasure of running my life. dr saul zelan is good, but he's not the best doctor since most of those arent american.

* this post is long enough, i'm going to go back to surfing the web, ha ha ha...

edwin the penguin

|\...back in el salvador.../|

|\...yeah, baby, i'm back in my native land and i'm living it up like a boss. well, not exactly like a rich person, but rich enough that the TRULY poor people here would be supremely jealous of me if they didnt know i was a nice and decent guy.

* that being said, i have little expectations for the trip, so i can be pleasantly surprised when things begin to happen, or when i'm invited to go out. hopefully, i'll get to see my much older brother marco antonio renderos jr on this trip. he's slowly becoming a part of my life and i'd like to solidify our relationship after a lifetime of being apart.

  funny how life is, right? one minute one's sad and lonely getting locked up in hospitals for the dumbest things and the next one is jet-settng across the globe back home to see the family. i love my life because of the random things that happen, but some of things that are planned are just as nice.

* it must be mentioned that i recently met fred "martian" green and he's been a godsend to my life. poor guy, i wish i could afford to help him get his teeth fixed, but he's doing fine without my help. he's a gentle soul who takes care of me and enjoys my company, what more could i ask for. hopefully, he and i will be able to have a lot of fun before the end of the year. i have a feeling this is not the last that i will write about him, and that makes me excited for our friendship.

*  being here in el salvador always brings tears to my eyes, because i love it here so much and because this is my home. i get more respect here than in the states and people are MUCH nicer to me. i know that if i was dying of hunger, i could get a free meal out here easier than in the states.

  it is this difference that drives me to do something with my life that will allow me to retire here. i want to work hard as a stand-up comedian to retire my mom and to save enough money to retire here in style. i want to take care of the little kids who have one or no parents to support them, and i want to take care of my large family, too. there is so much i want to do, but i must remain patient if i'm going to do things right.

* not much to report right now, since i got in yesterday and had a pretty uneventful day, but all-in-all i'm super excited to be home. it is always nice to be here amongst my people, even if some of them think i'm an "american" because i've spent most of my life living in the states. doesnt matter to me, since those people are fewer than those supporting me for coming back home.

  i wonder now how much pain people feel who are never able to come back home. i spent 14 years of my life wanting to come back and i cried like a baby the last time i was here in december of '12, i cant imagine how much a longer absence must hurt. i spent 15 years trying to taste my favorite fruit, annona, and now my small dream has been satisfied. i now have all the annonas i could ever want to eat, and that's thanks to my amazing friens and family here in el salvador.

* today we will go visit tia juana and then we'll come back home to hang out with friends. who knows what the next 2 weeks will bring, but i'm open to any and all possibilities.

  i have to imagine that i'm NOT expecting to meet a nice woman down here so it can happen already. i want to have another texting buddy, like my friend flor zavaleta on facebook, but it must happen naturally and organically. if i dont learn how to let love come to me, i'm afraid it never will. we'll see how time treats me and i'll update this space accordingly.

* time to do other things, but thanks for reading...

edwin the penguin

my penguin tattoo represents my 30 years of age...

|\... wow, it's been WAY TO LONG since i last wrote a blog i damn near forgot how to write one according to the format i'd created along the way.

* below is the photo of my beloved penguin tattoo one week after i got it inked on my arm. it represents a lot of pain and anguish i felt over the loss of my beloved unborn son in the miscarriage almost 10 years ago.

  my how time has changed.

  i'm such an adult now it's quite embarrassing. my habits have changed tremendously and i'm quite proud over the way i've developed in the past decade, i must say the years have been good to me, with the bipolar bullshit being an exception to everything.

*  in a way, if it hadnt been for the bipolar bullshit i've been through, and which now governs my life, i dont think i would've ever found the peace and serenity i presently have in my life.

  i smoke more cannabis now than i ever did in the past and my simple budget allows for me to have all the fun i desire. if i can learn to practice a little more restraint, i'll be in an even better situation in order to control the random panic attacks which have been bothering me the past couple of months. there is no rhyme of reason as to why they kick in and i dont think i'll ever figure out exactly why they happen, but i at least have an idea of what certain triggers affect me.

  needless to say, i'm going to have to endure at least one more heavy panic attack before things are going to be 100%. it's just the name of the game. either way, i'm going to find a way, and i have the necessary support system in order to succeed.

* i'm going to el salvador in 10 days and i'm happy that i feel more in control of my self now than ever before. like i said, if it wasnt for the bipolar bullshit i've endured, none of the wonderful things happening to me right now would never have happened. god bless me for being so fortunate to have such a supportive family.

  things might not be 100%, but i can report that they're pretty damned close. i think that my mom has suffered enough with having to endure seeing me locked up in hospital after hospital that she realized that she was partially to blame. my mom is such a proud woman that i think she figured out she had to be a little more humble whenever she deals with me.

  see, i'm a VERY simple man. so simple that people often mistake my simplicity for stupidity, until they start talking to me and realize that i'm underselling my self. that's always been me, undersell your self all the way in order to provide better bang for your buck. nobody wants to be upsold, i've been in the business too long. you cant brainwash people to believe you're something better than you really are. your quality of person will demonstrate to anybody dealing with you whether or not you're talking to. thus, i'm constantly being misunderstood, but i dont mind, it's become a natural thing for me to have to explain my self and my intentions, which are always honest.

* things are progressing nicely with flor in el salvador. i had to put her on time out for quite some time in order to show her that i mean business, damn it! i'm not one to be romanced from afar with empty promises and flowery words. i prefer actions to words, and i prefer honesty above all else. sure, she would gain more from me spending more time with her, but i'm not above working for a blow-job, ha ha ha. i want to have a good time and i want to give women a chance who demonstrate to me that they are worth my time. it's not complicated, women, men have a pretty good idea as to who is in control and why.

  not to say that men are the end all of the world, but we kind of run shit, so we have that working for us, ha ha ha.

* i think i've written enough for my first post in quite some time. i cant believe i have nearly 3000 pageviews...

|\...final days in el salvador.../|

|\...so i thought i'd drop some thoughts...

* i've had a helluva time here in el salvador, but i'm spending my final days essentially cooped up since i dont have the benefit of a vehicle, like when my parents were around. at least they left me some money so i can try and go out and see some sights. however, knowing my self, i'm going to save said cash for until i get back. i got my own plans for when i get back.


  which brings me to my ONLY complaint: my mom. she babies me like i'm still a toddler and it absolutely KILLS me. people notice it and dont say anything until they catch me complaining about it. i know that many others wish they had a mother to care for them, but my mom takes things WAY over the line. it's like she wants to force me into being an angel, which is something i'm not. if i decide i want to do things, like smoke cannabis, then it's MY decision, not hers. also, she's constantly trying to tell me how to spend my money, which is a BIG no-no in my book, since i dont get involved in their finances. then, to boot, she sends me an indirect shot that they might want a loan from me since they know i'm getting part of my retirement early. psh! not without percentage points, baby. i've learned to NEVER mix family and money for ANY reason without getting it in writing.

* other than that, i'm having the time of my life, but i'm ready to go home. next time, i'm either hiring a driver, or i'm going to risk it and learn to drive like they do here in el salvador (crazy people EVERYWHERE). i'm not coming back for any serious amount of time without having a reliable set of wheels, it's just too mind-numbing to be cooped up all day.

* i was very glad how things turned out on this trip. i'm scheduled to go to the cemetery to visit my favoritest aunt of all time, who died back in '98, with her daughter and my niece. that's the last thing i have left to do, since my mom got all crazy and forgot that i wanted to visit my aunt on saturday, when we still had access to a vehicle. it should be emotional, but i know i can handle it. i miss my auntie gloria every day of my life, because she loved me so much and would've LOVED to see me as a grown adult.

  at least i have a photo of her i can cherish and memories which will last me a lifetime.

* i dont feel like writing a lot, so i'm going to cut this entry short, but just know that i WILL be coming back to my beloved el salvador later this year, hopefully in time for my birfday, august 1st.

 i met a girl i like, but i'm not in love with her, which is good, since we hardly know each other. we spent such little time getting to know each other, but we know there IS chemistry between us. unfortunately, we never got to delve into the deeper issues i usually love to discuss.

 and for some damn reason i've been sweating up a storm in this damn humidity, which is both nice and  refreshing, since i enjoy sweating, ha ha ha. but this has nothing to do with the above paragraph.

* anyway, toodles,

edwin the penguin...

checking in from el salvador...

* it finally happened for me: i got to come back home for the holidays after 14 years. plus, after being in shock for 5 days, i woke up crying out of sheer happiness and fear that my paternal grandfather may not be alive (a real possibility), and the fact that i miss my favoritest auntie of all time (she passed in '98, tragically, too). it all had been bottled up for so long, it finally exploded and i'm glad i was man enough to let it all out.

* i'm being taken care of by family friends and they have done an excellent job of taking me out and showing me their daily lives, which compares to mine, except the part where i'm disabled and dont have to work for a living. i even got a trim to even my hair style to better compliment my face. sometimes, women have the best advice, especially a trio, ha ha ha. AND they convinced me to trim the goatee and so i think i'm just going to shave tomorrow or friday and be done with facial hair for a while. or maybe i'll keep the goatee short-short a la colin kaepernick, ha ha ha.

* i'm fighting a minor cold, but it's not a big deal, it hasnt affected my travels. it didnt stop me from visiting the ruins of my beloved home land. i learned A LOT about my ancestors and it even inspired me to decide to get an archaeology degree to go with my computer technician degree. truth is, i dont want to remain in the states my whole life. i want to retire in my native land and raise kids that arent brain-washed or put under so much pressure. i want to have properties in both of my homes (SF, antiguo cuscatlan) to be able to have a place to come and go, and it seems like it's realistic possibility within 5-10 years. all thanks to the powers that be...

* i've been sweating it up out here, loving the humidity and heat. the parties have been off the hook, too, with everyone being friendly and saying hi to me, even though they dont know who i am. it's kind of a custom here to say hi to your neighbors and people you pass along the street, so i fit right in, it's kind of like san francisco in that regard.

anyway, i just wanted to take the time to jot some notes down to share with y'all, thanks for reading!!!

edwin the penguin...

|\...to nadiya kravets.../|

|\...i doubt you will ever read this, but here goes nothing...

* when we first met i was just a boy trapped in a man's body, with a girlfriend who loved me, but you didnt seem to mind. we became friends and i thought that someday you would deliver on the promise you made when i pushed for further intimacy.

  as usual, that promise was broken, but i'm not upset, nor am i here to discuss that. i just want to wish you farewell and to say what i need to say in a space that will allow me to do so. writing has always been a strong suit of mine and i'm trying to get back to it, because it is a form of therapy that helps me immensely.

* i sent you a message last night saying that you are and will always be the woman of my dreams and that i hope you find eternal happiness, but i doubt you'll respond. you have your usual 3 days to respond.

* i never knew one could love someone without ever having sex with them, but that's exactly what has happened to my heart. i love you, have always loved you, and will always continue to love you; i just cant help it. but once your three days are up, we are no longer friends, or acquaintances, or anything anymore.

  i realize you moved on with your life many moons ago, that you had a plan for your self this whole time and that you never had any intentions of breaking my heart. this all happened on its own and because i desired it (heartbreak). however, now i am a grown man and i must put away childish notions.

* so, to conclude, i too WILL move on and i will find someone who will appreciate all that i have to offer, especially my million dollar smile, which hasnt been the same since you left. either way, it doesnt matter anymore, because we stopped being friends a LONG time ago.

sincerely,

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...back from tijuana.../|

|\...and boy was it a good trip.

* i think my dad and i are going to be alright. i just have to remember that he's still reeling from the loss of his brother (may he rest in peace) and then we'll eventually have our heart-to-heart, man-to-man. dont ask me how this development came about, just know that the setting was perfect when the realization hit me. beautiful girls were everywhere, that's all i'll say, ha ha ha.

* being in mexico reminded me of being in el salvador (NOT the same thing, but play along) where all i do is speak spanish all day and am treated like a privileged guest. i dont get that sort of treatment here in the states, except when i visit specific friends, which are few and far between. i like it, though, because it shows who truly knows how to value a friendship. my new friend, anina, is one of those people, and even though she will probably never read this, i just wanted to give her a shout out, since there are people out there reading my blog and NOT commenting, ha ha ha. i guess that's part of being a voyeur, right?

* got my teeth cleaned, bought 2 pairs of shades, and some other things while in mexico and made out like a bandit, thanks to my mom. i got a little something-something i hope to take a photo in shortly and i'll upload it to my facebook account (www.facebook.com/edwin.coreas). it involves the giants and i'm very happy with my purchase.

* i just wanted to take time to scribble some things down, but i dont have much to say, other than could any of you who are reading my blog and popularizing it please comment on one of my entries one of these days. the hit counter doesnt make itself tick, ya know, ha ha ha.

anyway, time for bed, i'm tired, even though i didnt do any driving.

* oh yeah: FINALLY watched tron:legacy and thought it was good. it wasnt great, just good. i'd recommend it to a friend, but i wouldnt pay to watch it...

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...OFFICIALLY RETIRED!!!.../|

|\...i just wanted to share with everyone that i am now OFFICIALLY retired, according to the federal government of the united states. i will be receiving my benefits and will continue to receive assistance to manage my condition of bipolar. i am VERY excited that this is all over and that i no longer have to worry about the case, but i still have some prevailing questions with specific regards to things that happened to me during the past three years. i have come to accept, however, that i might never receive an explanation for said things and i am perfectly find with this, as long as the system continues to take care of me as it is designed to do.

all i can say is "whew" and wipe the sweat off my brow. i had the support of my close family present on friday, and my mom even broke into tears once the decision was made final. it is strange to report that a freaky sense of calm entered my body as we entered the room, as if the "voices" wanted me to know that everything was gonna be alright.

* i wont discuss any money figures publicly, but i will say that i will have enough to survive when both the state and the federal money starts rolling in, and i'll be able to FINALLY visit my beloved motherland of el salvador once my case manager and i decide what is best for me. there is talk of me entering a 90-day residential treatment program, which would be great for me to stack my paper, as they say on the streets, as well as to continue making improvements with my recovery of having bipolar.

  i have plans to write short stories as memoirs about some of the things i endured while in a "manic" state, so stay tuned for that, but in the meantime, i'm just going to enjoy having a little cash in my pocket. i've been broke for so long, i've gotten used to it, and this has helped to humble me to TRULY appreciate everything my family has done for me. i wouldnt be the same man without them and i owe them a HUGE debt of gratitude. i know that with time we will all come back together stronger than ever before, but my step-father still needs time to get through what he is going through. he's having a hard time and i want to give him his time and space to heal. i have confidence that we can build a friendship in due time.

* since i've been med-compliant for the past 3 months, i feel the difference from not being med-compliant. i feel more relaxed, but my anxiety remains consistent, regardless of whether i take my meds. it's the small ways i measure my mental illness that will help me to learn to live with it in the long-run, and i am determined to "beat" it.

  i'm not going to lie: feeling manic is AMAZING, but it's not healthy and it doesnt usually lead me anywhere, except into the hospital for days at a time where i'm forced to do what i should normally be doing on my own, which is to take care of my self. there is no reason for me to suffer through any of this if i simply follow my doctors' orders.

  and since soon i'll have residency in my beloved san francisco, i'll get to join the healthcare system run by the city called "healthy san francisco". i'll even have medi-Cal AND medi-Care as back-ups. this is all exciting because i'm not used to having health care, ha ha ha, and now i'll have triple-coverage, but i dont plan on ever going back to a hospital unless it's for a check-up or to do volunteer work on behalf of the americans with disabilities act (ADA). i want to see if i can join their ranks to work within a non-profit to raise awareness of the mental illnesses that a lot of us face alone. i want to give something back to the community now that i'm being taken care of. oh, i am such a bleeding heart kind of guy, it's going to kill me some day.

*  anyway, i just wanted to share the good news and i hope everyone reading this is well, even though none of you leave comments or send me messages, ha ha ha, i appreciate your following my blog. i'll try and write more often...

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...living on the edge of the tenderloin.../|

|\...seems like everyone is worried about my living at the baldwin house hotel on 6th st on the outskirts of the tenderloin except me. i want to keep my computer so i can draft my players sunday for fantasy football and stay up to the week with my team, but i have a difficult decision to make.

  i know once i get over my initial fears of them robbing my apartment, i'll come to a logical conclusion, it just requires time. i'm leaning towards keeping it, because i'm gangsta enough to deal with the supposed hardasses who loiter the area. NO ONE has ever fucked with me, and i dont think my karma has it in store for someone to start with me now.

* i spent the afternoon airing out my apartment. seems like the previous resident didnt like to have the window open while chainsmoking cigarettes. going to clean the grimy place from top to bottom tomorrow with my mom before she heads back down to tijuana for some more dental work. poor mom, she cant catch a break right now, but i keep reminding her to take it slow and that things will progress one way or another.

  things come in cycles and i know that good things are coming my way, i just have to let them develop and then i'll be in a MUCH better place.

* i can feel the progress i made at "the avenues". i'm staying on my meds this time and will see what the court decides on the 21st of september, to see if they'll OFFICIALLY retire me after 3 years of dealing and learning to manage my bipolar diagnosis. i'm less in denial and more in belief that everything has happened for a reason. my attorneys continue to assure me that my case will be resolved in my favor one way or the other, and my doctor in sacramento even slipped that IF THE supreme court agrees to hear my case, then i'll be put before them. i know she didnt stutter, either. i'll keep you guys posted.

  in the meantime, i plan on scouring the city for all of the cool spots and even riding the muni to get out of the apartment. part of the reason why i want to keep my laptop is because it is such a tool for me to be able to entertain my self, even without internet. we'll see, it's not like it's an algebraic equation, ha ha ha.

* anyway, that is all for now, i thank those of you who have been following my blog and continue to provide me with pageviews. they mean a lot to me, even though they are so small in number. good to know i have "followers"/"fans" out there that support my little blog. one love!

edwin the penguin.../|