|\...back in el salvador.../|

|\...yeah, baby, i'm back in my native land and i'm living it up like a boss. well, not exactly like a rich person, but rich enough that the TRULY poor people here would be supremely jealous of me if they didnt know i was a nice and decent guy.

* that being said, i have little expectations for the trip, so i can be pleasantly surprised when things begin to happen, or when i'm invited to go out. hopefully, i'll get to see my much older brother marco antonio renderos jr on this trip. he's slowly becoming a part of my life and i'd like to solidify our relationship after a lifetime of being apart.

  funny how life is, right? one minute one's sad and lonely getting locked up in hospitals for the dumbest things and the next one is jet-settng across the globe back home to see the family. i love my life because of the random things that happen, but some of things that are planned are just as nice.

* it must be mentioned that i recently met fred "martian" green and he's been a godsend to my life. poor guy, i wish i could afford to help him get his teeth fixed, but he's doing fine without my help. he's a gentle soul who takes care of me and enjoys my company, what more could i ask for. hopefully, he and i will be able to have a lot of fun before the end of the year. i have a feeling this is not the last that i will write about him, and that makes me excited for our friendship.

*  being here in el salvador always brings tears to my eyes, because i love it here so much and because this is my home. i get more respect here than in the states and people are MUCH nicer to me. i know that if i was dying of hunger, i could get a free meal out here easier than in the states.

  it is this difference that drives me to do something with my life that will allow me to retire here. i want to work hard as a stand-up comedian to retire my mom and to save enough money to retire here in style. i want to take care of the little kids who have one or no parents to support them, and i want to take care of my large family, too. there is so much i want to do, but i must remain patient if i'm going to do things right.

* not much to report right now, since i got in yesterday and had a pretty uneventful day, but all-in-all i'm super excited to be home. it is always nice to be here amongst my people, even if some of them think i'm an "american" because i've spent most of my life living in the states. doesnt matter to me, since those people are fewer than those supporting me for coming back home.

  i wonder now how much pain people feel who are never able to come back home. i spent 14 years of my life wanting to come back and i cried like a baby the last time i was here in december of '12, i cant imagine how much a longer absence must hurt. i spent 15 years trying to taste my favorite fruit, annona, and now my small dream has been satisfied. i now have all the annonas i could ever want to eat, and that's thanks to my amazing friens and family here in el salvador.

* today we will go visit tia juana and then we'll come back home to hang out with friends. who knows what the next 2 weeks will bring, but i'm open to any and all possibilities.

  i have to imagine that i'm NOT expecting to meet a nice woman down here so it can happen already. i want to have another texting buddy, like my friend flor zavaleta on facebook, but it must happen naturally and organically. if i dont learn how to let love come to me, i'm afraid it never will. we'll see how time treats me and i'll update this space accordingly.

* time to do other things, but thanks for reading...

edwin the penguin

my penguin tattoo represents my 30 years of age...

|\... wow, it's been WAY TO LONG since i last wrote a blog i damn near forgot how to write one according to the format i'd created along the way.

* below is the photo of my beloved penguin tattoo one week after i got it inked on my arm. it represents a lot of pain and anguish i felt over the loss of my beloved unborn son in the miscarriage almost 10 years ago.

  my how time has changed.

  i'm such an adult now it's quite embarrassing. my habits have changed tremendously and i'm quite proud over the way i've developed in the past decade, i must say the years have been good to me, with the bipolar bullshit being an exception to everything.

*  in a way, if it hadnt been for the bipolar bullshit i've been through, and which now governs my life, i dont think i would've ever found the peace and serenity i presently have in my life.

  i smoke more cannabis now than i ever did in the past and my simple budget allows for me to have all the fun i desire. if i can learn to practice a little more restraint, i'll be in an even better situation in order to control the random panic attacks which have been bothering me the past couple of months. there is no rhyme of reason as to why they kick in and i dont think i'll ever figure out exactly why they happen, but i at least have an idea of what certain triggers affect me.

  needless to say, i'm going to have to endure at least one more heavy panic attack before things are going to be 100%. it's just the name of the game. either way, i'm going to find a way, and i have the necessary support system in order to succeed.

* i'm going to el salvador in 10 days and i'm happy that i feel more in control of my self now than ever before. like i said, if it wasnt for the bipolar bullshit i've endured, none of the wonderful things happening to me right now would never have happened. god bless me for being so fortunate to have such a supportive family.

  things might not be 100%, but i can report that they're pretty damned close. i think that my mom has suffered enough with having to endure seeing me locked up in hospital after hospital that she realized that she was partially to blame. my mom is such a proud woman that i think she figured out she had to be a little more humble whenever she deals with me.

  see, i'm a VERY simple man. so simple that people often mistake my simplicity for stupidity, until they start talking to me and realize that i'm underselling my self. that's always been me, undersell your self all the way in order to provide better bang for your buck. nobody wants to be upsold, i've been in the business too long. you cant brainwash people to believe you're something better than you really are. your quality of person will demonstrate to anybody dealing with you whether or not you're talking to. thus, i'm constantly being misunderstood, but i dont mind, it's become a natural thing for me to have to explain my self and my intentions, which are always honest.

* things are progressing nicely with flor in el salvador. i had to put her on time out for quite some time in order to show her that i mean business, damn it! i'm not one to be romanced from afar with empty promises and flowery words. i prefer actions to words, and i prefer honesty above all else. sure, she would gain more from me spending more time with her, but i'm not above working for a blow-job, ha ha ha. i want to have a good time and i want to give women a chance who demonstrate to me that they are worth my time. it's not complicated, women, men have a pretty good idea as to who is in control and why.

  not to say that men are the end all of the world, but we kind of run shit, so we have that working for us, ha ha ha.

* i think i've written enough for my first post in quite some time. i cant believe i have nearly 3000 pageviews...