updates to chez pinguino...

* i guess you could say that i won the war, and you'd be right.

they are finally settling the eviction case in my favor, which means that i get to stay for the forseeable future and beyond. now, i can ask to get a bigger place. now, i can ask to get my pussy cat as a service animal. now, i get to improve my quarters while also looking out for a potential partner. things are going to be wonderful this summer, once the entire state opens up. i'm also slated to receive my california stimulus check around that time, too. cant wait for that extra $600 so i can get some good weed and an extra cartridge.

turned out that the battery i had purchased wasnt working, because i used the vape battery that my buddy JD let me borrow and it worked with my cartridge, which had been stuck at 50% for about a week. needless to say, i'm almost done with that cartridge now. the other benefit is in knowing that it will work well with future cartridges.

* those fuckers tried to double charge me in rent for 2 months last year, and i caught them. they acknowledged their mistake and now i have an extra $808 to my name that i get to use for fun and relaxation. i will be saving a portion of my money, too, for the future fun i wish to have in el salvador. i was smart enough to keep the bad check he wrote me last year, and i emailed said copy to the attorney when she asked me to review the settlement documents. i told her about the bad check and she requested to see it. she forwarded the email i sent her to the opposing counsel and they agreed to reduce the amount owed, which is where the celebration comes in, ha haha.

* my cousin is arriving to clean my room, which means i'll be helping him. i'll write more later for the few interested souls that follow my blog....

"goddamn it, bobby! quit fucking around online"...

|\...you know, the best part about finally having another smart TV is that i can outsource all of the various individual tasks that i enjoy doing separately to the 3 primary devices in my possession and, based on the configuration, i get a whole different sense of accomplishment from each one. it's quite fancy to say that i enjoy having a "sleep party" when i put my head down. it's quite nice, too, because i know that i get to enjoy it alone, without requiring anything else. it's weird to be so proud of such an accomplishment, but the truth is there isnt much to be proud of at the moment. aside from my hair, that is. it's a prize piece worth letting down at all turns, but i dont enjoy the attention i garner all of the time, hence why i prefer to hide it's length.

lest i remind y'all that i suffer from irrational paranoia, mmkay?...

* right now the music is pumping out of the hisense 65" smartTV speakers and i must admit it sounds impressive. not because it's loud, but because the optional settings improve upon the basic sound to provide actual depth and a hint of bass, something that smartTV's are NOT known for. my point is, i'm happy with the configuration, because occasionally a video will play on those wide 65" and then the booty's seem even more massive than they probably are in person. my favorite function is the built in chromecast, so i can stream porn to my screen with the benefit of quality sound control, you know, to help enjoy the moaning. anyway, porn isnt a crime and i wish people would act like adults when discussing sex and all of its glory.

* and yet, for all my bellyaching, there isnt a thing wrong with me. not like last year when, in early march, i fucked up my right foot because i didnt wipe the gravel clean out of inbetween my toes and got an infection. it was pretty stupid, and fucked up, but i still managed to "enjoy" my self while i was hobbling  about. to make matters worse, i was stinking it up to high heaven as a disgusting and vile "stay at home pig", oink-oink. i had the puddle in my room, which was an overwhelming mess. i forgot how long it took for me to finally take care of just the puddle, let alone all of the grunt work that has happened since those awful days. needless to say, i'm pretty sure i've gotten rid of a tonne of trash and disgusting things from my apartment in the past year, and i'm much better for the wear, if ya understand what i mean.

nobody is perfect, let me assure you of this. not even me; hell, especially not me. i find it baffling that these fucking dating apps cant seem to get it right. just be upfront about your fears and insecurities and we'll all get along well, right? maybe, maybe not? maybe someone plays the "long con" and sets you up for a period's time worth of misery? maybe you shoot someone because they didnt share their onion rings? who the fuck knows. my point is: dont sweat the little details that keep you up at night. like, drink some melatonin and fuck that shit, yadadamean? even zzzzquil is acceptable...

* this covid19 nonsense is running amok, but finally the vaccines are here. i hope to be able to sign up for a vaccination as soon as possible, just to improve my prospects of being able to travel to my beloved El Salvador. it's looking like the state and the federal government will collaborate to give us 2 more checks, one apiece. my uncle Frank was telling me the details, considering that he stays informed by watching youtube videos. he's living the life, too, only he actually gets laid regularly, whereas yours truly has no sexy videos of which to speak, ha haha. someday soon, i keep telling myself, but why does it feel like i'm lying? *shakes head*...

dont fight the feeling...

   |\... am i right? sometimes, you've just got to roll with the punches and sit in a puddle of your own urine, until help arrives. or something to that effect. the point is, there isnt much that i can do to aid my search for pussy, nor am i winning any favors by not keeping up with my laundry habits. which reminds me, i need to wash these sheets, specifically the blankets with those new scented things i purchased and hopefully this crazy quack can diagnose why i keep waking up 7 times a night to urinate, ha haha. oh man, isnt it fun getting old while being on chronic medication? i'm telling you, the fun never stops, and i live alone, ha haha.

* thanks to the shelter in place order, and to the subsequent "exodus" out of san francisco, there havent been many chances to meet women lately. not that i'm not trying, but i'm tired of hoping and waiting and am anxiously awaiting my next call to action. needless to say, i'm forced to keep waiting for at least another 6 months, for better or for worse. begging the question: where the bitches at? no, seriously, i'll wait for the reports of where the majority of single women live in this city, because i cant seem to find them. or maybe, i just stink too good, as in my weed is too strong, and these anti cannabis mistresses have taken over my beloved City. either way, i'm fucked, but not in the way that i desire.

what's a man got to do to get noticed, anyway? now, it seems like i'm persona non grata, which wouldnt be so bad if i had someone in my corner with whom to enjoy being "the bad guy". nobody deserves to sleep and eat alone for as many consecutive nights as i have, especially not after the thousands of dollars i spent on getting legally extorted by my salvadorian ex, ha haha. only dumbasses sign up for long distance monogamous relationships, i dont care who gets upset by this.

* at least i'm not sleeping and living with an actual puddle in the middle of my apartment anymore. that's part of the byproduct of being a mental health patient with manic episodes. you tend to endure a little more thanks in part to what you overcome daily, or nightly, just to get a moment's rest. now that i'm fully back on my meds, it seems that my behavior has normalized enough that i can pretend to be "normal" long enough to warrant the attention i get. then, my mouth opens and i'm never sure what the fuck i'll say. normally, that's an endearing trait, but with a penchant for humiliating my self for no other reason than i'm perfectly allowed to, i'd say tread cautiously around me, and those are on my good days, ha haha. no, just be nice and i'll adjust accordingly once my energy drink kicks in.

 anyway, so the 1st ex got a hold of me regarding some items she found from our time spent in high school. i figure they're worth the nostalgia factor alone, disregarding their current location. it's the origins i'm interested in, and 20 years worth of nostalgia has got to be worth the enduring B that i never quite felt comfortable with, a la Holden Caulfield hating the establishment for being phony.

my point is simple: all nostalgia is good nostalgia if you're totally removed emotionally from the situation. it just pisses me off that those fuckers took my sweater that my boy, Brian, gave me. Brian always had good weed to share with me, and when he passed away, i was gifted his 2014 emerald cup black hoodie. and those fuckers took it. i'll tell you, drinking that chlorine water was worth it if i can finally get that sweater back, but i'm fairly confident that i'll never be able to track it down now, especially not with how comfortable it was.

*it must be mentioned that i recently purchased this giant black speaker with cool lights on it that sounds great at night when i'm playing my sleep mixes. i'm telling you: it's a shame to live this well, ha haha. well, maybe not in the literal sense at the moment, but definitely for the potential of what could be, i definitely am better off with a more organized 2nd half, yadadamean? but, that's a problem to puzzle for another day. i'm getting hungry again, and i want a snack. good thing it's only an exchange i have to wake up for at 6:30am, ha haha, otherwise, i'd be in trouble.

needless to say, a bowl, or two, of cereal might be in order, just to keep the hunger demons at bay, because that cheesesteak wasnt big enough to satisfy my immense hunger. i should have gotten the tator tots from carl's jr...fuck!!! ha haha...

|\...now presenting, the captain of the "sadie hawkins all stars"...

 * ... Edwin the Penguin!!! *the crowd erupts in cheers and applause*

"thank you, thank you" *waves hands like a natural born dictator*

y'all really lack the context within which the above references make sense, but suffice it to say that those words actually represent a form of reality that once was unimaginable to me. needless to say, but i'll say it anyway, it turns out i might actually have finally been handing the "leading man" role i never applied for, ha haha. no, that's not just mindless braggadocio on my part, it's an actual fact.

like i told my interim therapist, "Scott", earlier in the year, and right around the time prior to the pandemic being declared, (approximately around March 2nd, 2020): i expect the worst case scenario to unfold, and i wouldnt be surprised if this ends up being long and drawn out. i told him it was just a "soft reset" and that there would be plenty of financial casualties, aside from the ones the pandemic would claim. it was weird, because i then told him: i know that i have been given the lead role now, and if all i have to do is the minimum, which is to say, "just be myself", then i think i can do that, i think i can agree to that, especially if i get to continue to smoke weed with relative impunity. he laughed, and because he is a true "mouth breather", i had to hold my own chuckles in response to the way he sounded like a badly voiced muppet when he spoke to me about anything, attempting to relate to me on an intellectual level that he was clearly not authorized to enter, much less was he properly equipped with the necessary hardware, ha haha.

* what do you call it when the so-called "surprise ending" is more of a yuge anticlimactic letdown? as in, why has Scarlett Johansson been wasting roughly the past 10 years of my life on purpose? bruh, when i finally heard that bitch's voice in the female cell next to mine when i was illegally detained at 850 bryant, i wanted to go ape shit on her and whoop her ass like a REAL LONG HAIRED HULK would, but i had to resort to kicking the metal sliding dividing door loudly multiple times every time her tweaking ass was running her lips too much. we get it, you think you're such a yuge deal you essentially put my life on pause while you galavanted your cavalier ass all the way to a yuge pile of "social status", to the point that you felt you had the authority to hijack my year? bruh, MISS ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT, HA HA HA!!!

it was rather funny, though, to toss back the trucker hat style cap she "gifted" me at the club on Howard St, close to the Intercontinental. i snuck a $20 into the tip jar, as a form of "payment" assuming she said "no charge" when i asked her how much i owed her for the purchase of said hat. it was then that my now infamous "condescending laugh" and "smile" were clearly captured by her tweaking ass, to the point she even chuckled mildly in retort, unaware of my dual action response she would soon become familiar with.

hey, bitches, NO MEANS NO, right? or does that only apply to your specific scenarios? honestly, i dont care at this point, ha haha. unlike the advice Harvey Dent gives the mob gangster who made an attempt on his life to "buy american", i will NOT be indulging in such bloated ego swine. i'll gladly suffer silently, as i endlessly fill my various cum rags to the point that their scent will be so pungent that those bitches will have no choice but to follow me home, ha haha. there's obvious benefits to remaining "grimy and slimy" as i enjoy saying, but y'all aint ready to have that conversation. besides, what would your little minds have to reply if you were proven to be wrong with your "squeaky clean" wannabe mentalities? you'd openly take up an active meth addiction, just like little miss "red herring", ha haha, but you didnt hear that from me, okay...

same shit, different decade...

|\... *honestly, what...the...fuck?!?!

i get it, we have "unfinished business" and they demand their "payment" on-time, just like the goddamned fucking valkyries; go fucking figure.

still, given the relative nature of the assignment i had been given, i cant say that i ever felt that this was ever truly "over", as in "game over"; not by far.

for starters, i had been feeling rather strangely the past couple of months, especially during the months of october - december, to say nothing of the happenings and goings-on during the initial start of the decade and year, specifically. why, then, did i feel as if there was a large convergence of forces that worked out magnificently to TRULY fuck with me, especially during the final 15 days of the month of february? sadly, i dont think i'll ever really know the answer to that question, neither, ha ha ha, which is to say we're officially "back in the game". hey, fuck it, if they refuse to fucking kill me outright, then i will surely enjoy fucking them back, ha ha ha. or as the saying goes: "it's only gay if you push back"; ha ha ha. no, i am not a homosexual, but i am assuredly more happy about my present situation than i was at the start of this month of March, 2020, ha ha ha, and that's certainly a noticeable improvement i will gladly relish in, especially since i have maintained all along that i was on "vacation" starting with the 1st of March, and somehow that degenerated into the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD GOING ON HIATUS!!!

again, i must shout out loud "WHAT...THE...FUCK!?!?!"

how come things make so much perfect fucking sense to me, and me alone? bro, there is no comfort in being me, at least none that i can fathom, but trust me, i am definitely NOT COMPLAINING, ha ha ha.

(editor's note: the previous words were written at the onset of the pandemic being officially declared in March)

5th of May, 2020 (aka just another tuesday)

please take the time to watch this video, it would mean a lot to me. shout out to all of those who have always continued to support me; y'all are my MVP's...

"quite frankly, my dear: i dont give a flying fuck!!!"...

* and so it is...just like you said it would be...life goes easy on me...most...of the time*

BRUH!?!?  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!?!?

turns out a lot of what i was experiencing previously was more real than i gave it credit for, and that fact alone is disturbing enough. yes, it was quite emotionally disturbing, to put it kindly, the way my mind lost it's way and i ended getting literally mind fucked like some community whore in the millenium's hottest digital VR (augmented reality) gangbang where everyone who could afford the buy in, or had signed on for dibs prior to the release of said technology, ALL got to basically take me for the proverbial ride. to say it was demeaning, degrading, and downright depressing is a yuge understatement. suffice it to say that i fully expect there to be many and plenty attempts made in the future to try and jeopardize my position by "threatening" to "leak" said experiences and i will simply reply: "make my day", and then hang up, or walk away, depending on the circumstances.

* my mind is playing tricks on me, i'm certain of it, because the longer i remain alive, the more i am forced to face with the reality that "strange things are afoot at the circle K, dude", trust me.

for starters: plenty of people with seemingly more important public roles have all died, or been killed, or basically have "become deceased", as it were, yet here i remain.

as i have been repeating to anyone that will listen: if i believe my existence to be enough of a threat to the powers that be, then why am i still alive? honestly, i'm not sure if i'm looking to find out the answer to that question anymore, which essentially removes my sense of purpose from my life, it's rather strange and yet gratifying at the same time, and i wouldnt have it any other way, trust me; i've earned this privilege to rest and relax and accumulate various layers of cum on my multiple cum rags, all of which are fun to fill regularly, ha ha ha.

but i digress.

* honestly, i wouldnt expect any of you to be able to understand the level of bullshit that i went through, nor to have any desire to listen to the sordid details of how i essentially wasted most of my earnings from the years 2015 - 2018 on a relationship that was basically meaningless and especially useless. unfortunately, the one thing that was supposed to bring me pleasure the most (oral sex) was actually the most painful part of the entire relationship, and that's when i made my final decision to cut bait, ha ha ha. alas, it sure was nice proving to my self that i can enjoy wasting money on a woman that neither deserved it, nor appreciated the efforts i went through just to support her desired way of life. it's sad for her, but points for me, because i can comfortably dictate that particular aspect of any future relationship(s) i might potentially embark on.

this bitch was UNGRATEFUL!!! for that, let them pay in the future for it, considering that is essentially the same behavior women employ. what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

* i'm living in San Francisco in the neighborhood known as "midtown" and i am loving it. i basically just chill, consume cannabis, and basically run errands. i'm doing much better mentally, emotionally, physically, and everything else. i'm finally "living off the fat of the land", like george and lenny were hoping to do someday. that movie always gets me, but i didnt manage to watch the ending before it was removed from the VUDU app; alas.

i still drive a stick (manual transmission), only now i drive a different vehicle. i drive a 2001 nissan sentra GXE, with a shitty paint job, and i fucking LOVE it. i think there's something wrong with the way it's wired, or running in general, but it's serving it's necessary purpose for now, and that's all i need it for at the moment.

* i have been single since September of last year, when i finally decided to finish things with the ungrateful ass bitch in el salvador. i felt that i had wasted enough time, money, and especially effort.

since then, i have managed to improve pretty much everything about my self, and i am even down in size and feeling great. to say i look great is an understatement; i look SEXY, ha ha ha. if i could, i would fuck myself, but only if i were a female version with a fully functional body, because i'm not into men with regards to fornicating. i do, however, firmly believe that "a mouf is a mouf".

it's weird to be back in a familiar position, only at a more advanced age. for those who dont know: i turned 36 years old this year. yes, read that number again: 36!!! i cant believe i made it this far along in life, considering where my mind was at the start of the decade, but i am most definitely grateful and appreciative for the opportunity to continue fucking around in this collective existence we call "reality". i'll be sure to continue to do my part to keep stirring the pot and serving y'all your sweet, sweet koolaid y'all love and enjoy, with EXTRA fluoride flavor, ha ha ha...

an ambitious first attempt at writing comedy...

* it's now July 30, 2018 11:07pm, and I'm going to try to write some jokes, as i listen to Drake's album "if you're reading this, it's too late".

I'll admit, I'm kind of distracted, but that's kind of the point of the music, you know, to get me to focus, like, on the jokes, ya dig?

* I'll just share some updates and make funny comments regarding my current situation.

i realize, I've sold enough weed to break even, ha ha ha, but not from my lifetime of smoking, just from what i invested initially.

my friend, Fe, copped a half zip today, and we met in our usual spot in front of City Hall, here in my beloved San Francisco. she's a sexy lady, but my intentions with her are strictly platonic, and i think that's a mutual sentiment, only, I'm not trying to find out, either way. we're both sexy enough that we embrace the loving/friendly embraces as old friends, and nothing more.

i never thought I'd get to this point in life, where I wasn't so horny to not flirt with an attractive girl. i think it's the erectile dysfunction kicking in and gripping my balls, quite literally, too. i don't jerk off like i used to, and I'm only about to be 35, which is the right age for ED to become a reality in my life. far be it from me to be proactive about the situation, it's not like I'm fucking my fiance on a consistent basis. this sucks!!! i think I'll mention it to my doctor when i see her on Friday.

* fuck the Giants, they're a shit show in the 2nd half, again. how did i not see this coming? add to that the fact that I'm essentially going to miss the playoffs in fantasy baseball, and that's enough reason for me to start doing fantasy football mock drafts. my birfday is in 25 hours, and i think I'll spend some of my cake day working on my draft strategy. I'm seriously trying to make money in fantasy football this year. the big dog's gotta eat!!!

* i realized, it's been almost 5 years since i was last in a looney bin, that's real progress.

and I'm still able to smoke as much weed as I desire, too!!! this isn't a joke, i give away weed to close friends and family. did y'all ever think that would ever come to pass? clearly, I'm making progress. even though my apartment is messy, it's not uninhabitable. I'm enjoying other drugs, too, and I'm finally able to enjoy my time alone within my sweet spot.

for example: i was supposed to do some shrooms tonight, but i decided I'd wait until tomorrow night. it's not like i don't have enough, it's just that it's kinda late and I'm kinda tired. my co-worker gave me around 9 grams, split unevenly into 2 bags, and i was kinda hoping to grind up a gram and then letting it soak in orange juice before drinking it, but, again, it's late, and yes, i actually have to be up at a decent hour tomorrow morning.

needless to say, tomorrow it's on like Donkey Kong!!!

* i just remembered the conversation i had with Fe about how when you're young, you give up pussy, for various reasons, but when you're older, you turn it down. like, if another girl flirts with me, I'm going to claim to be harassed, on my Mama!!!

ha ha ha, y'all know I'm just playing, issa joke!!!

but, yeah, that's true for me, I'm turning down pussy now, and I'm not even a real celebrity, I'm only famous in my mind. the truth is, the ED is real in my balls and penis. I'm going to get help, i promise, because i need at least 11 babies to make a national soccer team that'll qualify for the world cup in 20 years, like Croatia and France had this year. no, I'm serious, I'm going to talk to Flor and tell her this is my life's new purpose, ha ha ha.

*it's now 11:26pm and i think this post is long enough to publish and then share on social media. let's see how the newbs like the new content compared to the older content, ha ha ha...

finally felt like writing again...

*so it's been a rough week, to say the least, but thankfully, I'll get through the next couple of days.

i fucked up my car's engine and have to pay $2500 to fix it. that's a hard lesson learned, but thankfully I'm not counting on my parents for much help. they were very happy to know that i had enough money saved, but now that means i won't have enough to pay for my trip to El Salvador in December.

looks like I'll be getting paid this holiday season, but i won't get no pussy til the 10th of February at the soonest. I've gone longer times without sex, and this is for a good cause, so I'll be alright.

*I'm feeling like writing a comedy set of 3-5 minutes to perform sometime. it's a dream of mine to do standup and before the bipolar bullshit, i was seriously considering working on a routine. then, all went to hell and it's only until now that i have begun to feel like performing again.

I'm very glad the desire came back, because people have been asking me about my comedy. sure, i want to be offensive, but not in the same way as before. I'm not fully all back yet, but I'm more calm now that I've learned to deal with my disorder. that's something I'm grateful for.

*watched alianza lose in the final minutes of the concacaf league on YouTube. broke my heart because it was the last play of the game and costly scored an amazing goal to beat us. i see now that there's good soccer being played everywhere, but the fans in Honduras should be ashamed for their behavior. the fireworks were uncalled for.

we can argue all day whether the game should have been suspended or not, but the truth is alianza failed on their defense and they didn't attack much in the 2nd half. they were basically praying for the game to end, instead of forcing the issue all the way through.

oh well, at least now we can focus on the regular season and hopefully reach the finals again.

*it's good to be wanted, but i know where my heart lays. i made the choice to remain faithful to my fiancé and nobody is going to make me break that rule.

I'm glad to have my fiance in my life and i plan on marrying her whenever that is possible. we've come a long way and there is nobody that is going to stand in the way of our happiness. my mom is a hater, but she knows I'm serious when i say that i will marry Flor. everybody else is just there to support me or stay out of my way.

*my homeboy, Jonah, is coming over soon and we're going to smoke weed and chill. he's bringing Penny's dog, Lily, and she's very good here in my space.

last time he came he brought me food, which was nice of him, since i don't always eat fresh. maybe it wasn't the healthiest, but it was good; he brought me jack in the box.

it means a lot to have friends in my life that help to make sure i don't stay in bed for too many days in a row. my dad called me today, too, and it almost motivated me to do my laundry. alas, i just fell asleep again.

then, Jonathan came over after the alianza game and we talked about different things. we barely smoked. i told him i haven't been smoking that much weed lately and he said he was doing the same.

i think I just need more edibles, because smoking weed isn't getting me that high anymore. i know when i get to El Salvador, I'll be dying for the weed they have there, but that's 6 months away. so, I've gotta figure out what to do until then.

*I've got a busy day planned tomorrow, so i don't plan on staying up all night, but we'll see how long Jonah stays...

writing again late night, what else is new?...

*today i begin to write for the first time in 4 years. at least that desire has returned, and i welcome it gladly. to create stories is fun, but to share my life is my exhibitionist showing himself off.

to catch you up, i was going through a rough time when i last wrote, but things were getting better on the relationship side.

i no longer desire a polyamorous relationship, instead I've chosen to remain monogamous with Flor, my fiance. she has stuck with me through the rough times, while I've turned into something of a catch.

*believe me when i tell you, i can't smoke as much weed as i used to, but I've got more now that ever before. that's the key, I'm not buying $5 bags from people on the street.

instead, I carry weight like I earned it, which i did. and now, my interests are more varied and thus more expensive, but i can afford them because I'm working for eaze now.

what's eaze, you ask? Google it, and make an order if you live in our area. San Francisco is the flagship market, if I'm not mistaken, but we're all over Cali.

*I'm doing much better mentally, for those that were curious. i no longer have manic episodes or panic attacks, and now I have my own apartment to call my own on section 8.

things are definitely much better than when last i wrote. i hope to build on that momentum in coming days in order to become better and happier for myself, my family, and my friends.

as usual, I'll try to share the stories that i feel are best suited to tell you what my experience is like and to entertain you to the best of my abilities. if i fail you, I'm sorry, ha ha ha.

*now I'm 34 and I'm ready to get married. i thought i was ready before, but i realize i was just rushing what was meant to be taken slowly. I've learned to love again and to be faithful and serious about my intentions to never hurt Flor in any way.

i also finally quit cigarettes, even though I'm 4 years behind schedule. haven't had one in 2 weeks, and i turned one down tonight, just to prove to myself that I'm serious. i hope i haven't done serious damage to my body from smoking for over 14 years, but I'll take the bad with the good as i did with the bipolar disorder.

*it's time to sleep, I've gotta​ be up at a reasonable hour to go to work. I'm just grateful that i have my own spot and that there are no longer time limits as to when people can come to visit me.

I'm also saving hundreds in parking tickets, too. i paid almost $3000 combined over the course of the time i lived at the 16th St hotel. I'm so glad i don't have to go there anymore, unless i care to visit ci ci in her room, which i don't. nothing against the hotel, but those were not my best times, unless you have a warped definition. sure, i had some good days there, but nothing to brag about.

oh yeah, sleep time...

|\...the day i met my first future wife.../|

|\...was the 1st of september

her name is flor and she has made me the happiest man in the world today.

 so, today she came to visit me at my house in el salvador and we made love for the first time and my mom was in the house. GANGSTA!!! ha ha ha, she was dripping wet like it was honey pouring out of her. i teased her by licking her pussy a little before we eventually ended up on the bed with me on bottom. we were both in such a rush neither of us took our shoes off. SEXY TIME!!!

*  that's all i'm going to say because my girlfriend flor's life is in turmoil right now and i dont want to add to it. i make that distinction because i have my girlfriend caroline at home in the states going through her own shit. i can now say i have 2 girlfriends and they both know about each other. apparently prayers DO get answered, ha ha ha. good thing i pray to my saints all the time.

* i had more i was going to write on the subject but i ended up distracted and am getting to this post at 6am pacific on the 2nd of september, which means i'm still happy as fuck. i hadnt fucked since october of 2012 and that was with an unimpressive 53 year old. this fuck was with a 27 year old MILF who wants to help me start a family. at least both women were satisfied with my performance, but that comes standard when you're above average (8", baby!!!), ha ha ha.

* now comes the heavy lifting because from now on i have to manage both women and keep them both happy as only i know how to do, but at least neither woman is going to give me grief. i hope caroline can work through her shit enough to help me have a baby someday, but i'm willing to have patience with her because she's worth. i'll never forget how she helped me get through that panic attack back at john muir, ha ha ha, she won my heart that day.

* i keep sleeping a maximum of 6hrs. does that mean that that's what my body needs? stupid american doctors want to prescribe 8hrs as if god himself told them that that's what everybody needs. i'm becoing increasingly upset with american medicine, but i cant quit them cold turkey for fear that my condition will lead me back to getting locked up. i'd rather take their meds and work with them to arrange my regimen, but i'm not giving them the pleasure of running my life. dr saul zelan is good, but he's not the best doctor since most of those arent american.

* this post is long enough, i'm going to go back to surfing the web, ha ha ha...

edwin the penguin

|\...back in el salvador.../|

|\...yeah, baby, i'm back in my native land and i'm living it up like a boss. well, not exactly like a rich person, but rich enough that the TRULY poor people here would be supremely jealous of me if they didnt know i was a nice and decent guy.

* that being said, i have little expectations for the trip, so i can be pleasantly surprised when things begin to happen, or when i'm invited to go out. hopefully, i'll get to see my much older brother marco antonio renderos jr on this trip. he's slowly becoming a part of my life and i'd like to solidify our relationship after a lifetime of being apart.

  funny how life is, right? one minute one's sad and lonely getting locked up in hospitals for the dumbest things and the next one is jet-settng across the globe back home to see the family. i love my life because of the random things that happen, but some of things that are planned are just as nice.

* it must be mentioned that i recently met fred "martian" green and he's been a godsend to my life. poor guy, i wish i could afford to help him get his teeth fixed, but he's doing fine without my help. he's a gentle soul who takes care of me and enjoys my company, what more could i ask for. hopefully, he and i will be able to have a lot of fun before the end of the year. i have a feeling this is not the last that i will write about him, and that makes me excited for our friendship.

*  being here in el salvador always brings tears to my eyes, because i love it here so much and because this is my home. i get more respect here than in the states and people are MUCH nicer to me. i know that if i was dying of hunger, i could get a free meal out here easier than in the states.

  it is this difference that drives me to do something with my life that will allow me to retire here. i want to work hard as a stand-up comedian to retire my mom and to save enough money to retire here in style. i want to take care of the little kids who have one or no parents to support them, and i want to take care of my large family, too. there is so much i want to do, but i must remain patient if i'm going to do things right.

* not much to report right now, since i got in yesterday and had a pretty uneventful day, but all-in-all i'm super excited to be home. it is always nice to be here amongst my people, even if some of them think i'm an "american" because i've spent most of my life living in the states. doesnt matter to me, since those people are fewer than those supporting me for coming back home.

  i wonder now how much pain people feel who are never able to come back home. i spent 14 years of my life wanting to come back and i cried like a baby the last time i was here in december of '12, i cant imagine how much a longer absence must hurt. i spent 15 years trying to taste my favorite fruit, annona, and now my small dream has been satisfied. i now have all the annonas i could ever want to eat, and that's thanks to my amazing friens and family here in el salvador.

* today we will go visit tia juana and then we'll come back home to hang out with friends. who knows what the next 2 weeks will bring, but i'm open to any and all possibilities.

  i have to imagine that i'm NOT expecting to meet a nice woman down here so it can happen already. i want to have another texting buddy, like my friend flor zavaleta on facebook, but it must happen naturally and organically. if i dont learn how to let love come to me, i'm afraid it never will. we'll see how time treats me and i'll update this space accordingly.

* time to do other things, but thanks for reading...

edwin the penguin

my penguin tattoo represents my 30 years of age...

|\... wow, it's been WAY TO LONG since i last wrote a blog i damn near forgot how to write one according to the format i'd created along the way.

* below is the photo of my beloved penguin tattoo one week after i got it inked on my arm. it represents a lot of pain and anguish i felt over the loss of my beloved unborn son in the miscarriage almost 10 years ago.

  my how time has changed.

  i'm such an adult now it's quite embarrassing. my habits have changed tremendously and i'm quite proud over the way i've developed in the past decade, i must say the years have been good to me, with the bipolar bullshit being an exception to everything.

*  in a way, if it hadnt been for the bipolar bullshit i've been through, and which now governs my life, i dont think i would've ever found the peace and serenity i presently have in my life.

  i smoke more cannabis now than i ever did in the past and my simple budget allows for me to have all the fun i desire. if i can learn to practice a little more restraint, i'll be in an even better situation in order to control the random panic attacks which have been bothering me the past couple of months. there is no rhyme of reason as to why they kick in and i dont think i'll ever figure out exactly why they happen, but i at least have an idea of what certain triggers affect me.

  needless to say, i'm going to have to endure at least one more heavy panic attack before things are going to be 100%. it's just the name of the game. either way, i'm going to find a way, and i have the necessary support system in order to succeed.

* i'm going to el salvador in 10 days and i'm happy that i feel more in control of my self now than ever before. like i said, if it wasnt for the bipolar bullshit i've endured, none of the wonderful things happening to me right now would never have happened. god bless me for being so fortunate to have such a supportive family.

  things might not be 100%, but i can report that they're pretty damned close. i think that my mom has suffered enough with having to endure seeing me locked up in hospital after hospital that she realized that she was partially to blame. my mom is such a proud woman that i think she figured out she had to be a little more humble whenever she deals with me.

  see, i'm a VERY simple man. so simple that people often mistake my simplicity for stupidity, until they start talking to me and realize that i'm underselling my self. that's always been me, undersell your self all the way in order to provide better bang for your buck. nobody wants to be upsold, i've been in the business too long. you cant brainwash people to believe you're something better than you really are. your quality of person will demonstrate to anybody dealing with you whether or not you're talking to. thus, i'm constantly being misunderstood, but i dont mind, it's become a natural thing for me to have to explain my self and my intentions, which are always honest.

* things are progressing nicely with flor in el salvador. i had to put her on time out for quite some time in order to show her that i mean business, damn it! i'm not one to be romanced from afar with empty promises and flowery words. i prefer actions to words, and i prefer honesty above all else. sure, she would gain more from me spending more time with her, but i'm not above working for a blow-job, ha ha ha. i want to have a good time and i want to give women a chance who demonstrate to me that they are worth my time. it's not complicated, women, men have a pretty good idea as to who is in control and why.

  not to say that men are the end all of the world, but we kind of run shit, so we have that working for us, ha ha ha.

* i think i've written enough for my first post in quite some time. i cant believe i have nearly 3000 pageviews...

|\...final days in el salvador.../|

|\...so i thought i'd drop some thoughts...

* i've had a helluva time here in el salvador, but i'm spending my final days essentially cooped up since i dont have the benefit of a vehicle, like when my parents were around. at least they left me some money so i can try and go out and see some sights. however, knowing my self, i'm going to save said cash for until i get back. i got my own plans for when i get back.


  which brings me to my ONLY complaint: my mom. she babies me like i'm still a toddler and it absolutely KILLS me. people notice it and dont say anything until they catch me complaining about it. i know that many others wish they had a mother to care for them, but my mom takes things WAY over the line. it's like she wants to force me into being an angel, which is something i'm not. if i decide i want to do things, like smoke cannabis, then it's MY decision, not hers. also, she's constantly trying to tell me how to spend my money, which is a BIG no-no in my book, since i dont get involved in their finances. then, to boot, she sends me an indirect shot that they might want a loan from me since they know i'm getting part of my retirement early. psh! not without percentage points, baby. i've learned to NEVER mix family and money for ANY reason without getting it in writing.

* other than that, i'm having the time of my life, but i'm ready to go home. next time, i'm either hiring a driver, or i'm going to risk it and learn to drive like they do here in el salvador (crazy people EVERYWHERE). i'm not coming back for any serious amount of time without having a reliable set of wheels, it's just too mind-numbing to be cooped up all day.

* i was very glad how things turned out on this trip. i'm scheduled to go to the cemetery to visit my favoritest aunt of all time, who died back in '98, with her daughter and my niece. that's the last thing i have left to do, since my mom got all crazy and forgot that i wanted to visit my aunt on saturday, when we still had access to a vehicle. it should be emotional, but i know i can handle it. i miss my auntie gloria every day of my life, because she loved me so much and would've LOVED to see me as a grown adult.

  at least i have a photo of her i can cherish and memories which will last me a lifetime.

* i dont feel like writing a lot, so i'm going to cut this entry short, but just know that i WILL be coming back to my beloved el salvador later this year, hopefully in time for my birfday, august 1st.

 i met a girl i like, but i'm not in love with her, which is good, since we hardly know each other. we spent such little time getting to know each other, but we know there IS chemistry between us. unfortunately, we never got to delve into the deeper issues i usually love to discuss.

 and for some damn reason i've been sweating up a storm in this damn humidity, which is both nice and  refreshing, since i enjoy sweating, ha ha ha. but this has nothing to do with the above paragraph.

* anyway, toodles,

edwin the penguin...

checking in from el salvador...

* it finally happened for me: i got to come back home for the holidays after 14 years. plus, after being in shock for 5 days, i woke up crying out of sheer happiness and fear that my paternal grandfather may not be alive (a real possibility), and the fact that i miss my favoritest auntie of all time (she passed in '98, tragically, too). it all had been bottled up for so long, it finally exploded and i'm glad i was man enough to let it all out.

* i'm being taken care of by family friends and they have done an excellent job of taking me out and showing me their daily lives, which compares to mine, except the part where i'm disabled and dont have to work for a living. i even got a trim to even my hair style to better compliment my face. sometimes, women have the best advice, especially a trio, ha ha ha. AND they convinced me to trim the goatee and so i think i'm just going to shave tomorrow or friday and be done with facial hair for a while. or maybe i'll keep the goatee short-short a la colin kaepernick, ha ha ha.

* i'm fighting a minor cold, but it's not a big deal, it hasnt affected my travels. it didnt stop me from visiting the ruins of my beloved home land. i learned A LOT about my ancestors and it even inspired me to decide to get an archaeology degree to go with my computer technician degree. truth is, i dont want to remain in the states my whole life. i want to retire in my native land and raise kids that arent brain-washed or put under so much pressure. i want to have properties in both of my homes (SF, antiguo cuscatlan) to be able to have a place to come and go, and it seems like it's realistic possibility within 5-10 years. all thanks to the powers that be...

* i've been sweating it up out here, loving the humidity and heat. the parties have been off the hook, too, with everyone being friendly and saying hi to me, even though they dont know who i am. it's kind of a custom here to say hi to your neighbors and people you pass along the street, so i fit right in, it's kind of like san francisco in that regard.

anyway, i just wanted to take the time to jot some notes down to share with y'all, thanks for reading!!!

edwin the penguin...

|\...to nadiya kravets.../|

|\...i doubt you will ever read this, but here goes nothing...

* when we first met i was just a boy trapped in a man's body, with a girlfriend who loved me, but you didnt seem to mind. we became friends and i thought that someday you would deliver on the promise you made when i pushed for further intimacy.

  as usual, that promise was broken, but i'm not upset, nor am i here to discuss that. i just want to wish you farewell and to say what i need to say in a space that will allow me to do so. writing has always been a strong suit of mine and i'm trying to get back to it, because it is a form of therapy that helps me immensely.

* i sent you a message last night saying that you are and will always be the woman of my dreams and that i hope you find eternal happiness, but i doubt you'll respond. you have your usual 3 days to respond.

* i never knew one could love someone without ever having sex with them, but that's exactly what has happened to my heart. i love you, have always loved you, and will always continue to love you; i just cant help it. but once your three days are up, we are no longer friends, or acquaintances, or anything anymore.

  i realize you moved on with your life many moons ago, that you had a plan for your self this whole time and that you never had any intentions of breaking my heart. this all happened on its own and because i desired it (heartbreak). however, now i am a grown man and i must put away childish notions.

* so, to conclude, i too WILL move on and i will find someone who will appreciate all that i have to offer, especially my million dollar smile, which hasnt been the same since you left. either way, it doesnt matter anymore, because we stopped being friends a LONG time ago.

sincerely,

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...back from tijuana.../|

|\...and boy was it a good trip.

* i think my dad and i are going to be alright. i just have to remember that he's still reeling from the loss of his brother (may he rest in peace) and then we'll eventually have our heart-to-heart, man-to-man. dont ask me how this development came about, just know that the setting was perfect when the realization hit me. beautiful girls were everywhere, that's all i'll say, ha ha ha.

* being in mexico reminded me of being in el salvador (NOT the same thing, but play along) where all i do is speak spanish all day and am treated like a privileged guest. i dont get that sort of treatment here in the states, except when i visit specific friends, which are few and far between. i like it, though, because it shows who truly knows how to value a friendship. my new friend, anina, is one of those people, and even though she will probably never read this, i just wanted to give her a shout out, since there are people out there reading my blog and NOT commenting, ha ha ha. i guess that's part of being a voyeur, right?

* got my teeth cleaned, bought 2 pairs of shades, and some other things while in mexico and made out like a bandit, thanks to my mom. i got a little something-something i hope to take a photo in shortly and i'll upload it to my facebook account (www.facebook.com/edwin.coreas). it involves the giants and i'm very happy with my purchase.

* i just wanted to take time to scribble some things down, but i dont have much to say, other than could any of you who are reading my blog and popularizing it please comment on one of my entries one of these days. the hit counter doesnt make itself tick, ya know, ha ha ha.

anyway, time for bed, i'm tired, even though i didnt do any driving.

* oh yeah: FINALLY watched tron:legacy and thought it was good. it wasnt great, just good. i'd recommend it to a friend, but i wouldnt pay to watch it...

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...OFFICIALLY RETIRED!!!.../|

|\...i just wanted to share with everyone that i am now OFFICIALLY retired, according to the federal government of the united states. i will be receiving my benefits and will continue to receive assistance to manage my condition of bipolar. i am VERY excited that this is all over and that i no longer have to worry about the case, but i still have some prevailing questions with specific regards to things that happened to me during the past three years. i have come to accept, however, that i might never receive an explanation for said things and i am perfectly find with this, as long as the system continues to take care of me as it is designed to do.

all i can say is "whew" and wipe the sweat off my brow. i had the support of my close family present on friday, and my mom even broke into tears once the decision was made final. it is strange to report that a freaky sense of calm entered my body as we entered the room, as if the "voices" wanted me to know that everything was gonna be alright.

* i wont discuss any money figures publicly, but i will say that i will have enough to survive when both the state and the federal money starts rolling in, and i'll be able to FINALLY visit my beloved motherland of el salvador once my case manager and i decide what is best for me. there is talk of me entering a 90-day residential treatment program, which would be great for me to stack my paper, as they say on the streets, as well as to continue making improvements with my recovery of having bipolar.

  i have plans to write short stories as memoirs about some of the things i endured while in a "manic" state, so stay tuned for that, but in the meantime, i'm just going to enjoy having a little cash in my pocket. i've been broke for so long, i've gotten used to it, and this has helped to humble me to TRULY appreciate everything my family has done for me. i wouldnt be the same man without them and i owe them a HUGE debt of gratitude. i know that with time we will all come back together stronger than ever before, but my step-father still needs time to get through what he is going through. he's having a hard time and i want to give him his time and space to heal. i have confidence that we can build a friendship in due time.

* since i've been med-compliant for the past 3 months, i feel the difference from not being med-compliant. i feel more relaxed, but my anxiety remains consistent, regardless of whether i take my meds. it's the small ways i measure my mental illness that will help me to learn to live with it in the long-run, and i am determined to "beat" it.

  i'm not going to lie: feeling manic is AMAZING, but it's not healthy and it doesnt usually lead me anywhere, except into the hospital for days at a time where i'm forced to do what i should normally be doing on my own, which is to take care of my self. there is no reason for me to suffer through any of this if i simply follow my doctors' orders.

  and since soon i'll have residency in my beloved san francisco, i'll get to join the healthcare system run by the city called "healthy san francisco". i'll even have medi-Cal AND medi-Care as back-ups. this is all exciting because i'm not used to having health care, ha ha ha, and now i'll have triple-coverage, but i dont plan on ever going back to a hospital unless it's for a check-up or to do volunteer work on behalf of the americans with disabilities act (ADA). i want to see if i can join their ranks to work within a non-profit to raise awareness of the mental illnesses that a lot of us face alone. i want to give something back to the community now that i'm being taken care of. oh, i am such a bleeding heart kind of guy, it's going to kill me some day.

*  anyway, i just wanted to share the good news and i hope everyone reading this is well, even though none of you leave comments or send me messages, ha ha ha, i appreciate your following my blog. i'll try and write more often...

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...living on the edge of the tenderloin.../|

|\...seems like everyone is worried about my living at the baldwin house hotel on 6th st on the outskirts of the tenderloin except me. i want to keep my computer so i can draft my players sunday for fantasy football and stay up to the week with my team, but i have a difficult decision to make.

  i know once i get over my initial fears of them robbing my apartment, i'll come to a logical conclusion, it just requires time. i'm leaning towards keeping it, because i'm gangsta enough to deal with the supposed hardasses who loiter the area. NO ONE has ever fucked with me, and i dont think my karma has it in store for someone to start with me now.

* i spent the afternoon airing out my apartment. seems like the previous resident didnt like to have the window open while chainsmoking cigarettes. going to clean the grimy place from top to bottom tomorrow with my mom before she heads back down to tijuana for some more dental work. poor mom, she cant catch a break right now, but i keep reminding her to take it slow and that things will progress one way or another.

  things come in cycles and i know that good things are coming my way, i just have to let them develop and then i'll be in a MUCH better place.

* i can feel the progress i made at "the avenues". i'm staying on my meds this time and will see what the court decides on the 21st of september, to see if they'll OFFICIALLY retire me after 3 years of dealing and learning to manage my bipolar diagnosis. i'm less in denial and more in belief that everything has happened for a reason. my attorneys continue to assure me that my case will be resolved in my favor one way or the other, and my doctor in sacramento even slipped that IF THE supreme court agrees to hear my case, then i'll be put before them. i know she didnt stutter, either. i'll keep you guys posted.

  in the meantime, i plan on scouring the city for all of the cool spots and even riding the muni to get out of the apartment. part of the reason why i want to keep my laptop is because it is such a tool for me to be able to entertain my self, even without internet. we'll see, it's not like it's an algebraic equation, ha ha ha.

* anyway, that is all for now, i thank those of you who have been following my blog and continue to provide me with pageviews. they mean a lot to me, even though they are so small in number. good to know i have "followers"/"fans" out there that support my little blog. one love!

edwin the penguin.../|

|\...further updates.../|

|\...so, i'm still at the house on the avenues, but my parents are out of town because my dad had a minor medical emergency which required attention and medical care in the states is a bitch. thankfully, we have a family friend in tijuana who can hopefully fix him right up, but i wont know how long they will be gone, so i've got to survive on the help of my cousin and my brother, rafael. i think i'll be all right, ha ha ha...

*  i'm both excited and nervous about the upcoming football season. i'm excited that alex smith has some legitimate weapons and will have fewer excuses for not being productive inside the red zone, but i'm also worried they're going to let us all down. this is natural.

  i'm also worried for new indianapolis colts quarterback andrew luck. i hope the kid finds his rhythm early and wins a couple of games to keep the franchise honest. i dont think anyone will think less of him if he struggles out of the gate, though, it's going to be hard to repeat the rookie campaign put up by cam newton, who incidentally took me to the fantasy football championship last year, but we'll see.

  if anything, i have a strong feeling robert griffin III might be the one to repeat the season cam newton put up last year, but we'll see. both rookies WILL be feeling the pressure every week to be good fast.

*  both my case manager through UCSF and the counselors at the avenues are working on getting me an emergency single room occupancy (SRO) in a hotel, but nothing has been secured yet. i'm confident that in the following week i will hear news not only about the SRO but about my disability, which i hope to be ample enough to survive on. i have no idea how much they're planning on giving me, but i have plans to survive on any amount and as usual i can count on the help of my family, so i'm going to be fine.

   it's just so weird to be moving in such a positive direction after going around in what seemed like negative circles for so long.

  i've also decided that i must stop smoking cannabis for the time being, of which will be a minimum of 6 months. i have too much on my plate and i dont want to ruin the progress i've made by falling back into a familiar pattern. i dont think this should be difficult, just as long as i'm committed to sobriety.

  beyond that, i dont have much to report. i'm feeling positive at the avenues and i have a strong faith that things will continue to get better for me as time passes.../|


edwin the penguin

|\...living la vida homeless…/|

|\...for those of you who dont know, my parents and i got into an argument late june which was unrelated to my last post about her. long story short, i spent 23 days in the hospital in sacramento grieving the loss of my uncle (RIP) and getting my head straight.

  fast forward to her birfday (july 26th) and we made our peace, or at least have begun to. she bought me some things i needed for my birfday, which was unfortunately spent in the hospital as well. i've since moved into a half-way house in the avenues and am waiting for them to figure out what they're going to do with me, but i'm firmly determined to lay my roots in THE city, and i think i'll be able to successfully accomplish this.

* for the record, i AM homeless, but i am receiving mail at two different addresses. i like where i'm staying now and today was the first day i was allowed to leave the house on my own without supervision. the other residents are nice and i'm trying to get my sleep schedule back on time.

  i dont know what else to add at the moment, but i wanted to take the time to check in with you guys to let you know i'm doing alright. the universe is taking care of me, like it always has, and i'm confident that in a short period of time i will make a shit load of progress. keep checking in for updates and thanks for reading.../|

edwin the penguin

|\...hey, mom, FUCK YOU!!!.../|

|\...not exactly the first thing you think when you think of a mom, but i have my reasons for saying it.

* first off, this bitch thinks i owe her something, and she claims it isnt all the money she's "wasted" on me. HA, if that bitch only knew how many times i had millionaires lined up waiting to work with she and i in order to build their "network marketing" schemes. stupid bitch turned me down each and every time. i'm telling you, i have my reasons.

* people wonder WHY i hate money? it's like they say in the streets: money makes people act funny. once niggas/bitches see that paper they start salivating at the mouth like one of pavlov's dogs. personally, i HATE money, despise it, cant stand it. wish the world would find a less destructive way to  do commerce.

  of course, it MUST be reiterated that i am NOT a born "american". i am not a gringo like the rest of y'all who have NO IDEA what it's like to "make it" somewhere. i've had to fight since i first came to this damn country back in '86. i've had to kick ass in classes with kids who were better funded and trained than my self. i literally would crawl out of bed, go through my morning routine with my eyes closed, sleep in the car on the way to work, and THEN open them when i reached school. it's part of your training process as a philosopher, but only we know what we're doing.

  i had so much fun in school just being me, not giving a fuck about what anybody said. it was NO COINCIDENCE that i spent my better days in high school getting high and fucking all day. i knew i'd EARNED that right to fuck off, because i didnt want to wait 'til college to burn the candle at both ends. when you're like me, you see the pin before the sound waves hit your ears. in other words, you're ALWAYS ahead. it's a game of purposely trailing in order to steal the win at the end. or in spanish, "ahi viene el tiburon!(here comes the shark!)"you never notice the damn thing until it's right on you, and they do that shit by design.

   just a partial reason why the great white shark is my favorite water creature. penguins are my favorites of all time, if you didnt know.

* as some of you will guess, i got into another argument with my folks this morning. my fucking mom came out of the wood works swinging and i had to level her with my honest words. i told her to her face that i'm leaving and she's never seeing me again. i mean it this time. i've finished peeping her game and i've come to the conclusion that i was right all along. my mom sold out her values a LONG time ago. in fact, since she was her fathers favorite, she NEVER had traditional salvadorian values.

  my mom approaches everything from a point of fear because she never learned how to be tough. i, on the other hand, have been dealing with being given the short end of the stick every time i deserved to be rewarded. i noticed a long time ago how she loves spending money on others but will undoubtedly turn me down whenever i ask for any minimal amount. to her, i'm just an expenditure which can be written off elsewhere. she substituted quality time with trips to parks and rivers and lakes, which are NOT the same. as a young boy who had to deal with growing up with no real father figure in my developmental years, i developed a series of games that she never quite learned to navigate because she CHOSE to not go to school. thus, by design she was already "behind" in my "simple" game.

  my entire life has been spent trying to help educate someone who has clearly demonstrated a lack of interest in bettering her self. her world is retail therapy and thinking of whom she can buy with her latest offering, claiming she's "religious" (mormon) and believes in god. bitch, PLEASE! we ALL see right through you. you disguise it as charity, but you always want something in return, instead of giving it freely. or, she prefers to play mind games pretending to be "shy", when we ALL already know about "shy" bitches. shy bitches are the WORST, and my mom is the worst woman i know in many regards.

  i wont discuss how she mind fucks my dad, because that is their relationship, but i will continue to roast her because she has earned my ire.

  she thinks that because i'm agreeing to take my medication and am "behaving" that all is well, but it is not, and it hasnt been for some time. i've been VERY upset with both my parents for a while, because neither demonstrates the capacity to care about me. they show that they care how my actions will reflect upon them, which is pure bollocks. either way, i dont hate them, i'm just disappointed with the way they expect me to be when i've always been my self my whole life.

* time to watch the euro's, i wish france had a decent chance to upset spain...

|\...somedays.../|

|\...somedays, i wonder out loud but the answers make no sense. out loud, i wonder "why?" and i'm welcomed with an emptiness that is both hollow and satisfying.

* every day is a journey forward and back. some days i dont know whether i'm coming or going, but i know i'm in motion, and that's enough for me. i cant judge anyone, let alone make complete sense of my situation, so i medicate whenever possible to help me deal with my situation. the calm it brings is something i desire daily, but my loved ones find it hard to understand.

* somedays, i wonder out loud, and i'm welcomed with an emptiness that is both hollow and satisfying. i just want to understand the endgame and have this all come to an end.../|

edwin the penguin

|\...celebrating a year of life.../|

|\...for those who dont know, a year ago today i tried to commit suicide. thankfully, i survived and the past year has been full of nice surprises, along with the usual doldrums that are to be expected. i didnt realize that this anniversary coincided with the release of "the avengers", featuring my "future wife" scarlett johansson. it was such a pleasure to wait for 6hrs just to get the "perfect" seat. i sat in seat 9 (my favorite number) of my row, which was the perfect row for viewing purposes.

* on a side note, my stupid ex, whom i used to refer to as "cookie", is OFFICIALLY dead to me. she tried to act like she didnt know who the fuck i was when she passed by me at the metreon. if you're reading this, you fucking cunt/slag, FUCK YOU! i'll say it again, FUCK YOU! stupid bitch was trying to play me like a dumb nigga.

  as i told my mom, i would recognize that bitch in the dark, and she tried to act like i was some street nigga trying to make a pass at her. bitch please, you wish i'd give you some of this dick all over again. i was the one who taught you how to suck and fuck, quit playing, bitch! of course, this is all due to the fact she was with whom i can only assume is her "boyfriend" and probably has a shitty relationship to the point she can't associate with me publicly for fear of her insecure nigga getting feelings like he's threatened by me. bitch, please, you talking to a pimp. i dont give a fuck about your fucking mind games, i'm a master! anyway, enough of that bitch, she dont deserve paragraphs, that bitch is stupid. and all at once i remembered why i dumped her.

* "the avengers" is worth watching again, and i'll find a way to see it on someone else's dime, someway, somehow. joss whedon (director) really shined and made the movie a worthwhile event. my nigga luigi bought my ticket weeks ago when they released a link on facebook. was gonna ask to see the 3D one, but remembered that it's just a fad that will soon pass.

  the crowd was perfect for the midnight screening and we were not disappointed. a lot of people dressed up as characters from the movie (tired concept), but i went as a character SO obscure, only true internet geeks knew who i was. i put on my homestarruner t-shirt and my strawberry beanie and only ONE nigga knew who i was. then again, i didnt do it for the fame, i did it subconciously, and because it had been years sine i wore the shirt.

* need to find out if my nigga daniel molina still has connections with the metreon. he was the manager for a while, until i lost touch with him. i'll try and find him through facebook, assuming he has a facebook page.

* my dad gave me his blessing to drink his "aguardiente" called "tic-tack". my mom made some mexican chocolate drink and i poured in the liquor. needless to say, it was DELICIOUS. even gave me a minor buzz, but it was enough to feel smooth.

  dad an i were watching an old "picardia" film from mexico called "acapulco gigolo" featuring my nigga "el caballo". it was a good movie and reminded me that latino cinema has a lot of hidden gems to offer. he even found a movie with my favorite of that genre, rafael inclan. that guy is THE BOMB and ALWAYS gets the girl. of course, movies are scripted that way, but you get the feeling the guy is a stud and doesnt know it, ha ha ha.

* anyway, just wanted to write something down just to say i did it today. all day i've been celebrating my day of having survived my suicide attempt and it's been a hell of a day. i'm so proud i made it through another year. the rest of the year is going to be as legendary as it has been thus far. i have a lot of good things to look forward to and i'm excited to see them happen. i thank the powers of the universe for blessing me with so many positive things, including an amazing family that genuinely loves me. i am the straw that stirs the drink, and i never disappoint...

warmly,

edwin.../|

|\...reminiscing about being on lockdown in co co county jail.../|

|\...well, the first thing i want you to keep in mind is that i WANTED to be locked up, and i MADE the police come get me. that's all i'll say to preface the following, it's all that matters...

* i remember being in a holding cell first, before they would even consider putting me in with the other inmates. i remember them taking the hand cuffs off me and letting me disrupt their "module" as they referred to it. i was loud, obnoxious, rude, and even vulgar, to the point that eventually 5 deputies had to come and subdue me from the prolonged noise session i'd initiated.

  i remember them being extremely aggressive whenever they decided to get physical with me. the twisted my arms hard to the point i felt like they might break them, but my signs of weakness were mostly for show, since it's never a "fair" fight when 5 deputies have to come restrain you in order to move you to the next holding cell. you have to keep one thing in mind as you read this: "they" wanted a production, and that's exactly what i gave "them".

  from holding cell one i was moved across the hall to another holding cell where cuffs were put around my ankles and i couldnt move around freely as in the first cell. long story short, an inmate told me that the deputies were holding me as an example of a "certified crazy man" which in turn was scaring the rest of the inmates. the one who decided he was brave enough, which is to say unafraid of me, was given the opportunity to feed me, like it was a great honor. i gave him a dap (fist bump) to let him know i approved of his courage. i distinctly remember needing to pee and asking a female deputy and she pointed at the vented square hole a good 10 feet away from me, as she said "you can go there", which had to be a joke. so, without even thinking about it, i pulled my zipper down, aimed for the vented entry way and proceeded to spray piss in a large oval puddle. shortly thereafter, two male deputies came in and played "sherlock holmes" determining exactly what had happened, i had to fight back laughter. this led to them moving me to a third holding cell with a toilet and toilet paper.

  having fully come to understand that the government was fucking with me, and having confirmation that it has been happening for a long time, i sat calmly in the third holding cell biding my time. i had spent most of my energy disrupting the previous two "modules" and now felt it was appropriate to wait until they determined my next move. this didnt take long. they walked me to the machine which took my finger prints and then had me sit on a bench before they placed a plastic bag in front of me and told me to place my personal effects into it. i did all of this with my feet and hopped into the closed room where i was directed to change into my inmates uniform. it was chicken yellow, if that makes any sense. i was later told by someone who'd done years of hard time that a yellow jumpsuit means you're government custody, or something to that effect. everyone was amazed by how fast i was moving and how i seemed to know what they wanted me to do before they finished telling me.

  on we went to the actual prison where i was given my own room. i started with my usual routine of making noise and riling up everyone around me, before a deputy came and told me to stop the ruckus. eventually, after endless hours of minding my own, and of being in communion with the "spirits", i got the nerve to start the noise again, only this time the deputy wasnt so nice. i knew he wanted me to get down on the ground, so i threw my self willingly, only this time he placed his knee on top of my head and was extra forceful in putting the cuffs on my wrists, making my right ear cartilage piercing bleed in the process. i told him i was trying to cooperate and that he was in charge, all a ruse for the other inmates to see.

  he moved me to a room that is clearly used for visitors, and explained to me that if i disrupted his "module" again, he would lock me up with the biggest motherfucker being held on charges of homicide. i nodded to demonstrate i understood, i knew better than to speak. my heart raced as i recalled the recent events and i knew i was a stronger man for having put my self through it. eventually, he returned and reiterated his rules and then he put me back in my cell. then i spent countless more hours with the "spirits" guiding me, telling me what to do and how to pass time. i rigged the fountain to run endlessly so i didnt feel "alone". at one point, the "spirits" told me to go on a rant, and i began to explain how i was a badass and began to recall the countless examples i have of when the government has been fucking with me. i didnt expect it when the guy next to me said "when you goin' be quiet; it's been 2 1/2 hours?" i asked him why he was keeping time and let it go. nothing to see here, folks.

  i remember a female deputy coming to speak with me, with the head deputy beside her. i used my usual colorful language to tell her i didnt have shit to say to her, and the male deputy came back later and said "you dont disrespect my staff like that" as he pushed me up against the back wall of my cell to make his point clear. he then said "you will be very polite to the next person who walks into your cell" as i nodded. i stood up and watched a youngsta get locked up with me. i lay down in the bottom bunk and waited for him to jump on the top bunk. he was barely asleep for 15 minutes when he woke up and started asking me stupid questions. i cut him off and said "look, i'm not trying to fuck you", and he got riled up and then he jumped down and knocked on the door. the head deputy opened the door and the kid said "i cant stand him, i'm bout to knock him out". check and mate, my friends.

  they let me out on easter sunday (i was detained early saturday morning 2:32am) and i walked up to the commissary machine and asked a fellow inmate to help me log in. we got it figured out and i placed a free order which never arrived. it was just fun to see what sorts of items were available to those who had to spend serious time locked up. i laughed as i watched the closeted faggots sag their pants or take of their shirts to expose their tats. as they were moving me from that "module" on to the next, the deputy had a laugh at the expense of one of the inmates who was trying to justify his "tramp stamp" as being an homage to his deceased brother. he said "that's a tramp stamp if i ever saw one" and i laughed with them.

  they locked me up again in a holding cell alone. i had my blanket and my belongings and some good ol' toilet paper to take a shit. god, i must've shit a half-million times between jail and the psych ward, what the hell do they put in the food? but i digress. they gave me a bed-cushion and i threw it on the floor and curled up into it, with it laying over my head in the shape of a C. inmates came and went and in the background i kept hearing a female voice screaming "empire! empire! empire!", could she be secretly reading my mind? none of this mattered to me, because i knew that i'd committed no crime and that this was an illegal detention. you get used to it when you're a philosopher like me, you understand that you're "suffering" for the "greater good". i'm just a guinea pig in the grand scheme of things, and i dont mind relishing in my role, i'm quite good at it.

  another day must've passed, who knows, but then they moved me into the female section and gave me my own cell once again. i couldnt help but feel aroused at the mere thought of being within 5 feet (literally) of some hottt jail pussy. i heard the voice of an angel, which sounded ridiculously like kreayshawn. i uttered out loud to my self "bring her to me" and within a short time frame i heard the heavy footsteps of deputies escorting an inmate to the cell next to me. she remained quiet for a long time, before i heard her say "he said i can get out today", and i knew she wasnt alone. i heard the voice of two women, but i didnt inquire with either the deputies or the other inmates, who were relegated to serving me.

  it was right around 8am when i began to sing to my self, in order to pass the time, when i heard the inmates next to me start talking about how beautiful a voice i had. they asked for permission to give me a book about star wars (fanboy fodder), which i accepted, as i continued to "distill my essence" in the toilet. i rubbed one out as i imagined fucking the girl who sounded like kreayshawn in my cell. never did my hand leave the toilet as i distilled and distilled as a mad man would under such conditions. eventually, my distillation process came to an end and i flushed the toilet, but not before i came up with an essence to pure it had all the other inmates talking.

  then they moved me back to the beginning of the module and i changed back into my clothes i wore on the way in (el salvador jersey, louis armstrong cotton shirt, and blue jeans, with black/green filas). i sat down in the room with the rest of the inmates waiting to be called to be let out. a black kid sat next to me after about 10 minutes, and then i heard him say "keek!" and i looked as someone who looked like keek the sneak turned around. i asked, "is that really him?" and he said "yeah, go ask him". i walked up to THE keek the sneak and shook his hand, telling him i was locked up for "hacking the internet" and he thanked me for all his support.

   eventually, i got called with another youngsta who thanked me for going up to keek the sneak. the kid was pretty cool and he even gave me a ride to the BART station. keek the sneak was let out shortly after us and he asked to take a photo with me, which i happily obliged to do. it's usually the other way with celebrities, if ya-da-da-mean, ha ha ha.

  i smoked a cigarette on the way to BART, and asked a cab driver if he accepted the blue one-way ticket they'd given us in jail. he claimed yellow cab accepted them, but there wasnt one waiting, so i hoofed it to the BART entrance. once on BART, the "spirits" told me to feign a heart attack, which i did, and then a volunteer EMT helped me as we waited for the guys on duty to show up. once they arrived, they let me know that i had nothing to worry about and they took me to the hospital in martinez...

i'll continue this entry at a later date, gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats, ha ha ha...

edwin.../|

|\...today i was released from heritage oaks (psych ward/triage) in sacramento, even though i reside in contra costa (co co) county. i was held for 7 days and was prescribed the usual meds to tide me over until my court hearing may 2nd to decide if i'm eligible to receive my retirement pension early. everyone assures me that i will receive it, but i have a hard time accepting that as a fact when i know it depends on a damn judge. they've screwed me over in the past on technicalities, but i firmly believe i should receive my money.

* early saturday morning on the 6th of april, i was detained by the local police after my mom called the sheriffs and explained to them that i was "out of control". the local cops of el cerrito came to my brothers house and explained to them what was going on with me. long story short, they booked me into the jail and then sent me to county jail after they were done going through my belongings. i then spent countless hours going through the necessary steps in county to be allowed into the "module" they were running. it was crazy, because i didnt have any way to measure time, so it just dragged and dragged.

  during every interval, i was being guided by the mysterious "voices", which only made me appear crazier than i really am. the other inmates were scared shitless by me and i was allowed my own cell once i finally made it into the module. i couldnt even begin to attempt to describe the entire ordeal in the detail it deserves, but suffice it to say that i was confirmed by the county as being a veritable BADASS, in big block letters made with neon lights. even thinking about it brings up emotions that are still to raw to express. just know that i'm a much stronger person for having spent 8 days on lockdown in county jail, and i immediately earned the respect of all the inmates who were there with me.

  on a more entertaining note, i got to meet keek the sneak before i was discharged from county jail. i told him that i'd hacked the internet and he told me he was impressed by my accomplishment. i was waiting outside the jail when he was released and he requested to take a photo with me. that's just one of many celebrities i can count on as being one of my "supporters", ha ha ha. i told my mom about it and she simply nodded and smiled like she usually does when she finds something i share with her hard to believe. to be fair, she's never impressed with the names of the celebrities i tell her i've met. she's just glad that i'm getting any type of recognition, and that's how i feel about it, too. i'm never star-struck, mostly because i'm more special in the sense that i'm a san francisco "local", which is more difficult to come by than a celebrity within my beloved city.

* i was on my way to san francisco after being released from co co county jail when the "spirits" told me to feign a heart attack. this naturally led to the EMT's being called and for the local officer in charge to come to my rescue. they took me to county hospital and then transferred me to a psych ward in sacramento. i dont know why they didnt just take me to john muir, where i'm known, but i'm sure that in the long-run it was all meant to be.

  i spent 8 days in the psych ward doing my thing and getting reacquainted with my psych meds. i realized that i have to take them for my own good, but that with proper time i can go off them once and for all. i just have to play by the rules of the game, which philosophers invented, and then i'll be good to go. the government wants me to play by their rules, but they are revealing certain codes to me in order for me to succeed at toppling them. i know that most of what i'm saying is cryptic and hard to understand, but believe me when i say that what i'm "doing" or "working on" is government approved. they just have to continue to make me seem like a lunatic acting on his own, because it wouldnt look good for them to approve of a hacker like me. them's the breaks, as we say in the street.

* i dont feel like writing too much more, not for fear or anything, but because it's still too soon to discuss everything that i've been through. i could easily write 10,000 words based on the events of the past 2 weeks, but that's another assignment for another day. i just want to thank all of you who are reading my blog. even though you dont send me messages, i know you're loyal to me in your own ways and that's good enough for me. i love all of you, whoever you may be, ha ha ha.

warmly,

edwin.../|

i love being a "mentally disabled" fool...

  this song is very appropriate because he's talking about how sprung he is on a bitch who wont give him the time of day. i know EXACTLY how he feels. ever since that historic night, nearly 30 years ago, i havent been able to get the temptress known as "scarlett johansson" out of my head. how she got in, or why i cant get rid of her no longer matter to me, all i know is that i'm destined to a life of misery because i'm too stupid to realize she is just a stupid fantasy.

  i've TRIED explaining it to my self, countlessly poring over the smallest details, but no matter how i try i can't shake the inevitable question: if i'm right about what happened, and can therefore assume that i am right in expecting something else to "finish" happening, then WHAT IS TAKING SO GODDAMNED LONG?!?! ha ha ha, yeah, i end up having to laugh because it simply is about patience now, and i've always professed to have the "patience of a saint". i guess now we're REALLY putting me to the test. we'll see.

* in unrelated news, i'm doing MUCH better. i spoke with my therapist on friday and she said that i dont have to take my medication anymore and i dont have to see her anymore either. that's what is commonly referred to as a "win-win", and all because i had the moxie to stand up for my self, who woulda thought.

  this gives me hope that they'll report back to whomever is in-charge and they'll put out the word that i'm "well-adjusted" and ready to have things "explained" to me, but we'll see. i know i havent been as descriptive with the full details of the crazy nights i've endured, but BELIEVE me when i say "SOMETHING is happening". i cant tell you what it is, but i know that it's real, and that's good enough for me.

  to celebrate, i've been downloading different movies featuring the beautiful ms. johansson, because as i figure, "if she's stuck in my head, she probably wants to watch herself in her best roles to date", ha ha ha. that, and it's nice to see the progression of a young beauty into a full-grown mature woman.

  for example, i watched "lost in translation" again yesterday, and while the movie itself STILL didnt feel like a "classic"to me, i could understand what all of the hype and hoopla was about. i enjoyed the fact that a barely-legal ms johansson was matching acting chops with an underrated actor such as bill murray. i respected them for not turning it into some hottt old man/young girl soft core porn, even though we were ALL rooting for it. in short, the movie perfectly represented the lack of thought people put into cheating on their spouses. in real life, you dont think about it. you pounce on the opportunity like a horny repressed teenager. in the movies, i guess you bullshit for days on end telling your self you'll feel better about the encounter if you DONT consummate it. thankfully, i've never had this problem. for better and for worse, i've always allowed my penis to have a mind of it's own, seldomly turning down spontaneous sexual encounters. what can i say? i'm a super freak and i love sharing that with the select few.

* i'm just counting down the days 'til May 2, which is when they decide on my SSI case. if all goes well, i'll have thousands of dollars at my disposal $950/month at a time. i've already made plans to take care of some outstanding accounts and then i'm going to invest most of the rest. i want to take this comedy thing seriously, if i'm ever going to bridge the gap in order to tell ms johansson to her face how TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY in love i am with her. i figure, if i do my part to raise my national profile (i'm already a local legend in SF) it should be much easier for her to build the facade that she liked my comedy and wanted to see what i was all about. in my head, this is going to happen one way or another. in reality, i'm just a dork suffering from delusions of grandeur, trying to find a rationalization for the events of the past 30 months. no matter how you read it, just know that i'm COMPLETELY with either explanation. simply put, i'm beyond caring for the negative opinions of others. i'm "legally insane" and perfectly happy about it...

* that's all for now, come back later, and thanks for reading!!!

"ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...now make that motherfucker hammer-time"...

for those who havent seen them yet, you're welcome in advance...

learning to play by the rules...

* for those who dont know, i recently got discharged from john george psychiatric pavilion at alameda county medical center. this is my second full day out in the "real" world and i've been taking it as slow as a three-toed sloth, which is to say, i've been greatly enjoying my self.

  my brother, raf, and my mom came to visit me consistently enough for me to believe that they love me more than i understood prior to my hospitalization. long story short: i was acting funny in berkeley late friday night/early saturday morning and the cops decided to pick me up and then sent me to said psychiatric hospital after my own mother refused to take me home. it is very understandable that i was quite upset by my mothers decision, but after having time to ruminate i realized that it was indeed for the better in the long run. i even missed my 10-year high school reunion, which i had highly anticipated to attend, but it was not meant to be. as raf later explained to me: i could always have my own reunion if people truly wanted to see me. hard to argue with his logic, which made complete sense at the time and continues to hold up to critical scrutiny.

  the worst part is that i spent 20 days in the hospital, but the best part is that i took the time to understand how the lithium was affecting my body. see, i knew going in that the doctors wanted to put me on lithium, because they did the same thing to me when i was held at UCSF last year. fortunately, i've matured a lot since that time, because there's no other way to explain that i actually LIKE taking lithium. or as doctor tomasini put it: a lot of FAMOUS people take lithium. i couldnt help but laugh every time he said it. it's like he's trying to tell me something i already have full belief in: i am ALREADY famous. at least, that's how i see things from where i'm sitting, thank you very much. i cant thank the doctor and my patient social worker enough for actually giving a crap about me, in spite of my initial perception of them.

* as a nice aside, during my hospital visit i managed to accrue a good deal of haters whilst in the hospital. imagine that?! i couldnt believe it either until one of the most gorgeous nurses ever, amanda, explained to me how the haters were trying to affect me. and she was right! as soon as i took her advice into account, it was like those same haters wanted to love me and be my friends. strange how that works, but i can attest to knowing how to turn haters into fans. it's really much easier than you think, but i dont want to give away any trade secrets, ha ha ha.

  that got me to thinking about how many potential haters i have in the "real" world. and then i stopped thinking about it, because it didnt seem to matter anymore. who cares how many haters i have, all that matters is that i am capable of being polarizing, which is useful in the tabloid industry, ha ha ha. it had never been made clear to me, as was recently done, that i have the ability to affect people in such a sublime way. i liken my self to an offensive side-show at a boardwalk, which people sweat over having to decide whether or not to attend. or as my "brother" luigi told me: you definitely know how to grab and keep people's attention. i was so proud of my self the day he told me that. strange, but it's always been the case with me. it just reminds me of why i use the nickname of "el diablo" above all others. i know i'm a devilish philosopher, but to have it confirmed and to feel vindicated as a result are two different things. at least, now i know that i AM worthy of an audience and i will seek to find the biggest one possible.

* lastly, i want to take the time to thank all of you who have consistently read this blog for your love and support. i kept thinking about how many people care about me after my family made me realize that remaining in the hospital wasnt such a bad idea. i came to appreciate my time being hospitalized as something that was necessary, regardless of it's duration. i can only hope to live up to my own lofty expectations going into the future. i'm glad to be able to say that i have fans that outweigh any number of haters i might've amassed until now...

edwin

how to become a philosopher (or, proving that you're psychic)...

|\* 1. accumulate pennies (metals are deterrents to ALL frequencies; copper is the one which makes them *POP*)
* 2. arrange them in the configuration which makes the most sense to you (NEVER explain, simply
       OBSERVE)
* 3. adjust to your NEW sense of "silence"...

p.s. bonus points to those who keep their mouth shut once they BELIEVE!